Psychonaut

I'll give you a little history about me to try to lay out my confusion. I used to be a nerd and play computer games all the time when I was in school. I didn't socialize and didn't need to. I had 1 or 2 good friends at the same time and that was enough. I masturbated more and more with porn becoming extremer every year. Eventually I masturbated to the most extreme porn while being high. In a sense I overdid it really hard. It has taken years to reduce the frequency and turn the porn and drug usage down. Recently I have actually gotten the point that I don't watch porn anymore. If I masturbate, I do it without any visual stimulation. It was actually a flatmate that motivated me to quit porn all together. I wanted to be as horny as possible when having sex with her. After a few times of having sex my brain seemed to have switched to sex mode and porn makes no sense anymore. It is as if the possibility of masturbating to it is gone. It is just not an option anymore. I have changed a lot since I have been a part of actualized.org. I do sport, I am well built and lean. I am more charismatic and playful. When I go into a club I dance to loose myself completely. I go full out and don't care about anyone or anything. I try to let the music completely fill me. This also has the side effect that I don't care about women. In fact my style of dancing doesn't allow for another person to be in it. It is almost as if I am enjoying being alone too much. It is easier, much much easier if I don't care. In a way I prefer how music makes me feel to how a woman makes me feel. I don't drink much in the club, so I notice when girls look at me and smile. I also notice when they come closer to dance with me. I know that they wanted to dance when they leave disappointed and try to get away from me because I ignore them. I get the impression that it feels like a rejection to a girl if she feels that I look at her with interest, but don't engage. I never had to do anything to get the girls I had sex with. Never had to approach. I never cared enough to do so. On the other hand I wonder if my attitude would change once I started to approach. Once I get a positive experience my mind might switch to approach mode more often. Just like it switched from masturbation/porn mode to sex mode. I was in the club yesterday and this girl looks at me multiple times and comes closer. I say hi and eventually get her name. She was good looking, but I still left. I didn't really want to engage. I don't know and its probably difficult to tell from what I have written. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing or if I am bullshitting myself. I am the type of person that waits and waits and waits. When I do martial arts I seldomly attack. I react to the opponent and when he hits me too hard I start moving and attacking. If I don't have to do something, I wait until I have to or the pain of resisting has become unbearable. It is a similar situation with girls. I notice that there is interest and all I need to do is open my mouth or turn towards her when dancing. I don't. In a sense I am a bit confused in which direction I want to go. I have read many books on sexuality and now I don't know anymore: If I follow Alan Roger Currie, I would approach more girls I am attracted in order to have more casual sex with girls. Then there is Rollo Tomassi and the "rational male". Have sex with many women and don't engage in exclusive relationships. There is no special girl. -> I am not sure what to make of this tbh. If I listen to David Deida I would go for a long term relationship. I could potentially attend more yoga/spiritual events to meet more girls that are more open. On the other end there is "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow", which advocates gentle sex without orgasm. I would love to have a girl to try that with, as I enjoy being intimate, the buildup, foreplay and cuddling more than the orgasm. So the current state of my attitude towards sex is: I don't care about the orgasm. I enjoy the intimate connection, touching and so forth. I only want to orgasm with a girl I care about. For me random girls would be a waste of energy. A few months ago I made a "soulmate wishlist". It includes traits like being open, curious, strong feminine core, being interested in me, interested in music, keeping me on edge and creativity. A club might not be the best location to find such a girl. I hope that someone can at least give me some ideas/advice to help me decide in which direction I should invest my energy

I don't know what it is. I am in a club right now, again,.... I believe that women are trash. I continue to reject girls. It's extremely obvious. It is so extreme that I will turn my back towards them until they leave on the dancefloor. It is like something sick inside me is saying "not good enough". A girl has to basically beg me for sex. I want her to beg me, it turns me on more than she does. Most girls don't turn me on visually. I'm not gay either. I would never let a guy dominate me. I don't know what the issue is. I know I don't trust girls because they have no backbone or integrity. I prefer trustable sources of feminine energy, like music or food. Stuff that doesn't abandon me like a dog. A dog will always love me, a women not. I don't want her. The other thing is that I might have an extremely inflated ego, to the point of being narcissistic. I am very good at many things. I can dance, I can cook, I own my shadow, I am comfortable in hell and heaven, im fit to the point that I feel I look better than most girls naked, I know a lot about topics that interest me, I am open minded, it's almost impossible to upset me or control my emotions. I basically feel like I am better at everything than any girl. Maybe I should go get some help. I just don't know what the issue is. It is so easy to replace female energy, that the motivation to invest into girls is really nonexistent.

"Vaping has been scientifically proven to make you gay."

Brain Daggers What is it, what is real and true, When all I feel and am is you. Or more, it is the lack of you. An unreal split back into two. It is not real, I know it deep down, But it feels so real, I lie facedown. In the hole I have dug, I will drown. My soul weeps, I finally break down. It keeps repeating over and over. My heart is hit and bleeds from exposure. I wanted to show her how to go there, Now its fleeting away going nowhere. 31.1.2019, Version 2

I like that you rhymed a bit. Those lines are my favorite. They have a bit of imagery.

Yeah having sex when the girl doesn't really want it in my experience was never great. How often do you have Sex? Maybe you just have it too often and aren't really horny? I have found that I only "really" want sex about once every one to two weeks.

I think the difference between me and you is that I mainly go to the club to have fun and dance. I don't dance to get in a good mood to approach girls. I dance because it's very enjoyable and I can let go. I am getting more into the habit of talking to random people and most of the time I have positive reactions and interesting conversations. I only do it when I feel like I want to say/ask something. But that is better than nothing. At least I don't have to deal with the pain of "what if" that much anymore. My previous relationships were explosive and short lived. They were initiated by the girl and not me.After a while they realized that I truly didn't care about them or anything else. That was usually the end and the start of playing games on their part, which has no real effect on me. Eventually I ignored them. It's sad to what measures they sometimes go to get a reaction, even if they hurt themselves. I am not 100% sure what I want yet. I have made a list of qualities I am looking for in a girl. The previous ones didn't fit any of the items on the list. I should stop looking past those flaws, instead of being blinded by the "someone likes me feeling".

I only suck in the bedroom. Double meaning is intentional

I agree people take spiral dynamics too seriously on the forum.

Suffering = Pain * Resistance

Addicted to Pain It is his addiction to self inflicted pain, Which makes him delve down, though there’s nothing to attain. The bleeding doesn’t stop, his body is in strain. In the preceding moment he will cut his vein. Red blood gushes from his throat as his fear takes shape. Dark energy rushes through, pushing him to rape. His memory trapped him, with no way to escape. It is okay, he is insane, it’s all on tape. 31/01/2019, Version 2

I have been using Onenote for over a year and the structure of my notebooks have changed a lot. It depends a lot on what you want to do with it. I have recipes, study notes, poems, dream journals, goals, ideas, notes, link lists and much more in Onenote. You don't have to spend a lot of time on thinking about how to lay out your Onenote. It's easy to change and I have changed it a lot as my data changed.

What is a tantric orgasm according to the book?

Fly or Cry Rays of gold sunlight shine onto your pale skin, A bright fire rages and heats you from within, To burn through all that is not true and holds you back, You leap into your sure death to finally crack. It may seem unfair to know that you are falling to your doom, What can you do to foster the recalling of your last tomb. Is there any use or point in crying out in despair, When it seems to be as if there is no one there to care. You created the world in which you live from within, And are responsible for what you keep and bring in. Nothing ever changed when all that you do is crying, Instead you will need to spread your wings to start flying. 30.1.2019, Version: 1

Great idea to start a poetry thread! I had opened one a while back in the journaling section, but deleted it since no one seemed to be interested. @Joshuas Unfortunately your poems are more a collection of thoughts. If you try to rhyme them they would be nicer to read. The first one has a bit of imagery in it. Most of my stuff doesn't rhyme either, especially what I wrote at the beginning. Trust me it is much more satisfying to have 10 lines of a rhyming poem, than pages of disconnected lines. Its easy too. Especially with some tools. An online Syllable Counter Rhymedb Lyric Notepad (Android App) I'm looking forward to your next creations.

I take notes for books where I would want to be able to quote the information. There are only a few topics for which I have done this. One of them was the function of neurotransmitters and their metabolic pathways. I have found that I don't read notes I have taken. In the time it takes me to write notes I would rather listen to the book again. Also most books can be summarised in two sentences.

This is probably what describes the feeling the best. A sharp pain, as if a thorn is being pulled out. Thanks for this, I have noticed that the feeling only arises when I feel as if something is missing. I wonder if I need to read anything or just continue sitting with it. Leo's video was helpful too.

For the past months I have been hunted by this feeling. It comes back over and over. I would describe it as an existential despair/pain. It feels like I am in a free fall down a deep ravine. I know the ravine leads nowhere. When I hit the bottom my flame will be blown out. I try to grasp at the wall, try to slow down my fall by holding onto anything including people. Anything I hold onto eventually falls away. There is no way out, there is no special person, no event, there is nothing that will make it go away. Even if there was anything/anyone as soon as that one/thing is less available or closes down the pain is back, instantly. However the emptiness doesn't always feel empty. Sometimes it is very full, calming, soothing and just there. In a way it is pure consciousness. It is just there. Present, observing and in fact impersonal. It can feel like I am dead though. I usually don't fight the feeling, I just sit it out and eventually I forget about it. Though I was wondering if there are any techniques to breathe more life into me when I feel empty. I have found that breathing energy down the front while inhaling helps a little.

Germany, Heidelberg Any fellow Heidelberg 'ers here?

I cannot understand the negative reaction towards pickup. I have not practiced it, but I have watched a few videos. I think it can be beneficial to know how to generate sexual tension. Also for long term relationships. It takes some balls to say certain dirtier things, even to a girl you know.

I have read this term injack multiple times on the forum. What does it mean and where does it come from? Is is orgasm without ejaculation, by pulling the pelvic floor up?

Could be interesting to have threads for certain regions. I'm currently in Heidelberg, Germany.

#classic

@Ampresus I can tell you I was porn addicted. Not being able to withstand masturbating is not porn addiction. Not even close. The book "your brain on porn" also describes what porn addiction is, with many reports from people that quit. If you are afraid of having your parents find the book there is also a website with some information on the effects of porn https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/videos-articles/. So, porn addiction is a very different beast to actual porn consumption. In porn addiction you masturbate much more frequently, up to several times a day. You begin to watch porn with actions that wouldn't turn you on in real life or you might find disgusting or off putting. The body types and even the sexual orientation of the porn might be opposite of what your actual orientation is. This puts a high psychological stress on you as you begin to question your own sexual orientation. I have seen stuff that I cannot even imagine watching now. Some of it might make me cry or vomit. To avoid spiraling down like me and many others, set boundaries and don't step over them. Most people that are into NoFap have gone down the rabbit hole and are much older than you. It takes a very long time to realize, admit it and eventually let it get to a point were it has to be quit. If you were my age I would just recommend you to have sex. This is what actually made me loose interest in porn completely. As you have said suppression of sexual desires is not a good idea. This and a bad attitude towards sex is what leads to abusive actions like rape etc. It all comes out at some point and usually it is so strong then that it cannot be really controlled. Watching porn can also be seen as a form of suppression of your actual sexual desires. You are covering up what you actually want with a lousy substitute. Sexual frustration then leads to exploration of different genres, because they are just a click away and then boom, they got you. I have gotten to a point now, were I masturbate only about once a week, generally without porn. For me that is a good frequency, because then I am really horny. If I don't watch porn and only imagine having sex with my girl it is really nice too. For you as someone that is starting out, I would recommend sticking to the minimum that gets you aroused and then using imagination. Having a low masturbation frequency and doing it when you are really really horny makes the experience much better.