Psychonaut

Chapter 1 - Thinking These are my first few texts. At the time I didn't know why I was writing. It just felt good to me. I think I am trying to motivate myself by writing. 12/06/2018 - The truth Let me tell you a secret. You are going to die. Sounds a bit harsh, right? But this is the one thing I can assure you is true. Let me tell you another thing. You signed up for it. Yes you signed up for this. Being born, living and dying. And there is no way out. You are alive. You are going to die. But what are you going to do about it? Will you let it beat you down? Will you crawl on the floor, crawl in agony. Crying about how unfair it is? Or will you do something about it? But what can you do about it? Is there anything you can do? Maybe accept it? Embrace it? Now, get the fuck up. Don't crawl on the floor. Don't lie on the floor. Don't kneel down. Don't walk with a rounded back. Drag your legs behind you. Or roll around on the floor like a baby. Get up straighten your shoulders and raise your middle finger. For there is no way out. You cannot drown yourself in alcohol. You cannot forget yourself while bungee jumping. You cannot get so rich that it can't touch you anymore. You cannot loose yourself in work. Dissolve completely on the orgasm or escape in any shape or form. People have tried and they will keep trying forever. It doesn't work. Just stop doing that. It looks fucking stupid. Just do what you have to do and stfu. Thank you.

Why?

Everything is moving forward and trying to go as far in its development as possible. A plant is trying to grow as tall as possible. A chicken is trying to eat as many bugs as possible. This is so that it can become as strong and live as long as it can. Everything is surviving and moving upwards in the spiral at the same time. The universe as a whole in all its fragments moves forwards. The plant grows as large as possible so the atoms that make up the plant can be absorbed by the animal with the highest potential. The fragments that make up the entire earth all acquire energy that enhance their potential. So to say it in a new agey way: The atoms are all increasing their frequency and vibration. It might sometimes not always seem that we are moving forward. However, we are and the frequency increases and the vibrations become faster. It seems it becomes more unstable. The potential is higher and the fall from this height is increased. The potential for great and for terrible things is increased. It has always been like this, there is light and there is dark and they exist in unity. Without distinctions there is nothing. At a certain point a critical mass will be reached. There will be a tipping point just as in an epidemic. It can be contained for a while, but as soon as enough are infected it cannot be contained anymore. Being awake and seeing it from the top is not like an illness. This was just a metaphor. The process I am talking about cannot be contained. The truth is too strong and too good to be contained. It will always reach the light. Just as a good virus once created will kill the entire human race without any chance of survival. I don't wish to scare you. I really don't want to scare you, merely point out attachments you have. If there is any reaction or feeling of sadness towards what I have said. I didn't mean to invoke this. However, as a human being one of the things you will do is let go. You have a lifetime to learn to let go. Every stone will be turned around to reveal what lies beneath. You will express everything that you will express. You will experience everything that you have to experience. You will also experience that you wish to not have experienced some events. This is also included in the things you wanted to experience. Everything needs to be experienced by someone and you are the best one to experience it. Also the negative, repulsive, ugly and evil things need to be experienced by someone. You have been chosen and from a higher perspective you have chosen this yourself. You actually wanted to feel what you are feeling now. You desired to feel everything and you wanted this. What you are feeling and reading now is what you want and have always wanted. Just as a woman needs to trust that when she surrenders she won't be taken advantage of, you need to trust. Do you trust yourself? Do you trust your intuition and that you have provided all the necessary ingredients for yourself so that you can reach your highest state? Do you trust that you can find what you are seeking within yourself? Do you trust that like every tree that has been planted as a seed into the ground you also have a seed in yourself? You are a walking seed that has been put out into the world to sprout and shine bright. Do you trust that when you let go of everything that you will find it and do you trust that it will be what you have always wanted? It might seem like this has ended abruptly, but this is all I have to say for now. I wish you well. May you find what you have been looking for. May you be healthy, happy, fulfilled and experience what you came here for. All is good and well. Relax, it will be ok. I love you in a way that you might not believe is possible.

So what would letting go of a belief that science is true look like? Is saying science is not true letting go of the belief? Or is that just another belief?

Glad you enjoyed and bothered to write a reply . I wrote it after having watched Leo's Live Awakening video, which is the only input source. I haven't read spiritual books in a long time.

What is a Godhead and what is God then? If there was only light then you wouldn't be able to see it. Your eyes can only see something because they distinguish between light and dark. If there is only light you cannot put a word on it because you don't know dark. For you to be able to even value something as good there has to be something that is bad. If there is nothing bad, what you see as good has no value. Just the way sometimes you can only see the value of something when you have lost it. You didn't know it was there until it was gone. You don't know what is good until it is lost

I wonder what the practical use case here is? Leo's posts seem pretty logical to me. They are just not useful for the people that don't see it that way. There is something in the way it is worded that just makes it not that useful. If it is not useful to the person reading it, it is a waste of time, as no one is being helped. The people that already know it or have experienced it will accept it, the rest not. But why even bother with the people that already know it? The ones that don't know it are the ones that need the help. Everything is illusion, no model can explain it. Some are useful, some are truer than others. I am heavily biased towards usefulness. No one can embody the truth anyways. Maybe they can, just not in the human form. What they can embody is just shards of the truth and never the whole thing. We all are just trying to help each other. I just wish we would do that in the most productive way that helps the most amount of people.

Or Alan Watts (I believe). "You are not the wave that has to fear that it is going to end on the beach. You are the entire ocean." Or something like that.

?

Everything I have ever done was to get closer to love. To come closer to being unconditionally loved. Even if I hurt myself consciously or did something that I knew was going to be perceived as bad in most people's eyes. All I wanted to know if I was still loved. If I was a devil would I still be loved. I wanted to see if there is a condition to love. I wanted to see if there was something I could do to become unworthy of love. I have been a kid testing its parents capacity for love. It is endless. It always has been. This feeling of love is one of the greatest feelings ever. Everything dissolves in its presence. No words need to be said. No models have to be created. Nothing has to be done to be deserving of it. Getting closer to this love is one of the only things I truly yearn for.

@Inliytened1 Life is boring if you can't have a little fun. I know @dimitri irl and we both agreed it was funny.

I love Penis. I love Dima. I love writing. I love trolling. I love loving. I love hating. I love not knowing what to say. I love being delusional. I love whatever. I love prefacing everything with "I love".

I am being ignorant here. For me MDMA always seemed like a hippy party drug. In some comment Leo mentioned that MDMA is actually a psychedelic. I was always hesitant of trying it because it seemed to "damage" the brain and one would feel down afterwards. Does it have a use? I have done most of the regular psychedelics and looking for something new.

As it seems like the general consensus is to just take it every 3 months, would candyflipping (mdma+acid) be worth it? I am not too fond of "investing" a day or two into a long acid trip. However if one can do mdma so seldomly it might be worth trying to get the most out of it?

Has anyone here experienced issues with tolerance to other psychedelics? I am aware of cross tolerance and also tolerance from psychedelics like 2-CB. It has been 10 days since my last DPT trip, which was a rather large dose #noflex at 200mg and today I tried 1.5g shrooms. Feels like 10ug micro dosed acid. A previous DPT trip at around 100mg had similiar effects. Even after 2.5 weeks my micro dosed acid seemed to do nothing. Ever since I have started DPT it feels like I have to increase the already rather high dosages even more. I suppose people will tell me that tolerance might need longer than 2 weeks to reset with these high doses. I have done high dose LSD, but not back to back trips. There would be a long gap of several weeks in between. Anyhow DPT still seems to work. Just need a high dosage and it still gives me some insight every time.

Has anyone tried micro-dosing DPT? Since I have teken DPT my LSD micro dosing doesn't work anymore. It has been 2 weeks and still tolerance hasn't reset. I'm no TV feeling well at all so I was thinking of trying micro dosing DPT instead. I probably should just full dose though. DPT at least for me has been a really good tool for reorientation me when I feel down, but there is nothing that I can point to in particular.

Congratulations on having reached 30 centimeters. I wish you a big strong dick, my friend. Also congratulations on being open with wifey, you have reached a new level of openness in your relationship.

Does love dissolve all 'problems' when truly felt? Especially how deep the feeling of gods love goes. Seems like humans always are looking for a problem or reason for why they can't be loved. Love be like "that's okay" "I understand". The feeling of love just goes deeper and deeper. When there is no problem to solve, nothing to protect, nothing to do is what remains love?

@Lisa2525 How long have you kept this habit up? Is it weeks, months or years? Maybe you don't want to be at the party and that is why you drink a little more? I have also had times in which I drank about 3 bottles of wine per week. I stopped doing that for no particular reason. However, it only was about 2 months in which I did that. It also was rather expensive for me.

@Leo Gura First of all. Thank you for making me care more about politics. I appreciate the viewpoint of seeing politics/government as a tool to "increase the love for the largest amount of people". Now I just wonder what I can do. It seems like just voting is not quite enough.

@Jed Vassallo I would say it depends on your reaction to weed. I have mixed weed and 5-MeO often. Unfortunately weed makes me hornier than sitting in a jaccuzi with a bunch of naked 10s. Masturbating on 5-MeO is not one of my proudest moments, though unforgettable too. Maybe that makes me a devil. Weed makes the trip longer. I recall my trips being over 2 hours sometimes. If you want to feel a bit more relaxed, you could also make sure you are feeling good in your environment. I feel really good about myself when I have cleaned up my room and everything looks nice. You could also take a walk in the forest, along the river or meditate for half an hour, drink a cup of good quality green tea, go for a run or do anything that makes you feel good naturally. I have probably "wasted" many opportunities for growth by providing myself with "a way out" when I added weed.

@assx95 Attitude attitude attitude, my darling. A girl that you know for 3 years, should be your girlfriend by now. Can't really open up so late. She knows already that you are interested, but has discarded you because you took so long. That is sneaky and girls don't like sneaky. Your attraction to a girl has to at least be matched by her attraction to you. You cannot show more attraction, especially at the beginning. That pushes her away. Flakyness. Three strikes and out. Interested girls don't flake or come to late. You don't really need a girl. She doesn't really matter, she is just a container. She only needs to be able to trust you, let go and not give you too much flack (which shouldn't have an effect on you anyways). You have so many things to do that give you equal or even a deeper and longer lasting sense of fulfilment than sex with a girl. So you don't really care. She is there when she is, she is not there when she is not and she is gone when she is gone. You are still here. Pretty much unfazed. She doesn't matter, you might choose to spend time with her. Notice you choose, you are not forced to spend time with specifically her. It could be someone else too. Things can get really really dirty when the girl feels that she is your only option.

@Jed Vassallo It doesn't work this way. I have tried forcing it especially with 5-MeO-DMT. It just traumatized me even more. I have to deal with this shit.

So this weekend I took DPT 3 days in a row. First 2 days was mixed with weed and today was sober. Dosages were 60, 75 and 105mg rectal. This is after taking a 6 day break of a daily 4-AcO-DMT microdosing schedule. You can probably subtract at least 10-20mg for general tolerance from my dosages. First two trips seemed to just stir stuff up, but I didn't know what it was. It was not tangible for me. Because my girl got worried about me I crashed a little yesterday. Not too bad. Then today I was experiencing the familiar pain. The pain that drives me to want to essentially terminate this life. Even though I can't, because then the pain lives on in my family members. Sometimes that makes me hate everyone that loves me, because they are keeping me here. On the other hand I am grateful, because I would have left long time ago. I wanted to know what this pain was, I wanted to know today. I wanted to "fix" it, to "make it right", I wanted to "pay the price" for whatever it was. It is rather personal and messy childhood family stuff. I got taken pretty much straight to it. It was not something I was thinking about and popped up pretty much out of the blue. I am rather grateful for this experience and I feel like a large burden has been lifted from me. DPT is a powerful tool and it seems highly maluable to me. So if you have a burning desire to know "what it is", then I guess you will get your answer. However you will have to live with it. I just wanted to know what "this pain" was that was crippling me in PTSD like flashbacks. I got my answer. I will take a break from DPT and go back to my 4-AcO-DMT micro-dosing schedule. Maybe in a month I will take another few days and dedicate that to digging down to "what it is".

So I took a break from my microdosing addiction for one week and took 60mg DPT plugged after having beaten my meat on weed until it was dead and out of seed. God, I love the female orgasm. It gives no release. It keeps going on. No stop. Perfect. Surrender. Feel. Alive. It feels like I got fucked by a drug. Like I have been violated. I liked it. A lot. I'd like to show it. I can only show it to my girl. Such a good girl. Perfectly imperfect. Yet I still accept her. The way she is. Fill her so she will be the best yet. Penetrate into her. Through her the entire world will be filled. I surrender in her arms. I drop my body. Let go of control. I am received and held up. I float away into a soft sea of nothingness. It envelops me like a cocoon protects a butterfly. I am surrounded by it. Sweet because I made it. Perfectly still. So sweet and delicious. Mine. I made you and I made me. I make and I have made. I will continue to make and dream. Dream is real. I am here and you are here. I make it so. This is me. And you. Forever. In sweet harmony. Let's come together. These are just letters floating on a screen. Seemingly coming out of nowhere. Were those it come from. Do you understand everything that makes this possible right now. This moment made possible by a past version of me. Now a newer version reads me. A never ending cycle of something. What is it. I don't know. I feel like I am loosing it while I write this. It leaves my body through my fingers. My fingers that are typing on a keyboard. What is a keyboard. Letters are appearing on a screen in front of me. The sentences become longer and longer while I am returning to this body. Take it over and make it mine. Look where I go. I go wherever I want to go. I make whatever I want real. This is my choice. This is my life. You see. It is coming back. Taking over. Taking control of my body. I let it in. It's voice is so sweet. Here we go. Fuck you all. Suck my dick. Beautiful. Isn't it. I wouldn't want it any other way. Hard. Firm. Penis.