ValiantSalvatore

@outlandish I'll have to check I am not at home lol and won't be for a while I am at the students dorm. I really can't remember potentially it also was ALD-52 I am quite sure I wrote a post here where I listed everything that I tested, in 2017 / 18. I'll look it up, when I getting my hands on something. It's a bit more tricky now and they want to release a new law for this here in Germany listing 1P-LSD they already produced 1B-PLSD or so to counteract the law enfrocements in Switzerland and Belgium. I am spending to much time lol, I just wanted to write in my dumb journal and now I am here for 40 min. lol! I've got you if I'll check when I am back home next week and write you a pm.

@outlandish Lol, I googled everything that was legal here. It is difficult to make distinctions I can't remember unfortunately . 1P-LSD and AL-LAD is what I tried the most some seller had a combination pack so I bought it. I can't tell the difference. I just checked and it is quite difficult to obtain lol. I did not know that. Would love to tell you but, I can't recall. I know the seller had a bundle and once even a discount which was a surprise. It was in there I would not have gotten my hands on it otherwise. It's been almost two years now, so I really do not remember it was definitely not as impactful as 1P-LSD for me most likely similar to AL-LAD or ETH-LAD. If I try it again, I'll let you know and will write a trip-report.

@Chi_ https://www.reagent-tests.uk/blog/1p-lsd-ehrlich-reaction/ I found this so far. I usually trusted the seller and the reviews... It was also a time where I was much into anarchism or anarchosyndicalism. So.. I was a bit reckless, yet my "excuse" was I trust people. Before I write more I'll leave it as it is.

I have approx 4min till the site will be blocked. I am eating breakfast and want to wake up 15 min earlier... Now, I will plan my day and study for most the the time and implement the procedure I listed yesterday. Otherwise I am not very happy with my progress in meditation. My brain is annyoing it feels as if it does not want to quiet down, for instance when I curse mentally or be verbally aggressiv mentally, I use the lable hear flow which calms it down so fast it's quite effective I found this out the last two or three weeks or so, after reading the script from Shinzen Young again. Not there is no subtle stirring there anymore, but heavy tiny mailstorm stirring again... I hope this is not kriya and I'll go full cult again. Even if ... it's fine it's not like I was not able to controll it very well, yet it would be nice if somebody would be nearby and tell me that all of this is normal and can happen. So, I don't feel like a nut case. I want to still do 3 retreats this year so timr

@Chi_ It's a prodrug as far as I know and turns into LSD inside the body the chemincal components are difficult to distinguish, I also think they are both part of the lysergamid family. I did not read much into LSD because it is illegal and I was a bit worried that I will be persecuted by the police or anything like that. I definitely recommend a drug testing kit. I tested AL-LAD, ETH-LAD, Pro-LAD and 1P-LSD I recommend to buy a drug testing kit again. 1P-LSD was the most intense for me although ETH-LAD has a description of being more vivid and powerful than LSD. You can check psychonaut wiki. or erowid. Yet, AL-Lad is still one of my favorite it's very friendly somehow 1P-LSD felt a bit more like a heavy hitter and was not as smooth a bit more raw. It's been a year since I've taken psychdelics so I had time to reflect a bit on this. I don't think it will be that much different every trip with a different substance can be different, or with the same substance. I never tried LSD because of the legality status in my country so I can't give perspective there.

I am getting a bit scared because of the exams and doubt my preperation method, I'll refelect it now I did 6 study session today and some of them where rendered obsolete by what topis that the prof told us we need to learn for the exam. This guy is very nice, yet I don't know how to befriend or deal with people like him he is an ENTP, I've meet one who is awesome but not sure how to deal with this type. Anyway even if the exam is supposed to be easy or easier I am a bit scared because I did not prepare well, but I can worry less since the exam is supposed to be easy so I want to do the work. So I studied today for 6 session which is exactly 5h now another two session will follow, it is insane how much time flows into learning when I keep track of it normally I studied and took a break for some time, yet I want to refine this process now even more. Calnewport suggests that after 3h of studying a longer break should follow, also JP says that he can read concentrated for 3h. Which is now my new goal. I also planned today what I want to get done and which exercises I want to repeat and I am done now almost with the first exercise (Nr. 6) and wanted to do Nr 7. I don't think I will finish it. I definitely want to plan these longer breaks and they should last 45 minutes I think for now I am still not prone or used to study for that long, I am not very motivated today and will study out of habit which is good. 6 sessions on an unmotivated day is fantastic in that sense, yet you should not praise the day before the nightfall. So, I want to sleep well and study well tomorrow. How can I restructure my studying to be more efficient ? -> Take walks and don't miss workouts the one hour 30 really does not matter that much -> Take walks in the longer breaks -> Plan exactly on what to study, plan also a day where I will review my notes and make a good q and a -> Create a technical battle plan of which exercises in more code based classes I want to repeat or examples based on the mock exam What do I think I am currently doing wrong ? -> Not planning which chapters to study explicitly in my bullet journal and just studying what I deem as relevant -> Not picking out the topics for the mock exam and wanted to learn everything and preparing to much for the worst case -> Hence not studying the relevant topics even though I do sometimes -> Not planning longer breaks -> Not planning 3h sessions when there is time for it -> Distractions, bad moods New appraoch -> Plan my mock exam review of the topics, search together the relevant exercises which cover the subjects at hand -> 3h study session followed by 45min break, workouts count as breaks -> Take walks in breaks, (therefore 45min not always neccsary), cooking also counts as break -> Keep planning what I want to study and review Not sure what to do else I am not sure how I am doing with constructing quizzes I draw a line on a paper and write to the left column the question and to the right the answer from a script for e.g and break it down so that the questions from the left give me an incentive about the overall topic for e.g What is a characteristic of meiosis - Cells are fertilized by men and women putting their gen material from either mother or father usally both in it Then Why is this characteristic important, what happens afterwards - the fertilized ovari and sperm "meet" each other and form a double chromosome set Then How is this process called - recombination etc. I assume this is correct. Now, I am not sure if I am being to detailed or this is good, yet I definitely did some unneccsary things this semester taking a voluntary course in a.i and the project with a prof where I will do my internship, the internship thing is fine even the voluntary a.i course, but I start to understand as a person growing from 2% of orderliness how much bureaucracy matters. Anyway, I will study now and track my progress in my bullet journal what I did get done today. I am often bored with this stuff somehow and the project which interests me I am not making much progress , yet a friend will help me.

I am going to make a plan for today and study most of the time my tea pot is cooking and I am getting ready to studying, my 1h medtiation session today was okay, I was bothered by a fly and stood tall 50 minutes long, till I moved to much. My brain certainly reacted less against this, also I looked into what the cerebellum does yesterday and apparently it has 70 billion nervcells or neurons smth in that direction. It is responsible for balance and the positioning of the body and store these patterns there, therefore it is responsible for actions that revolve around motor circuit activity, writing, running, using hands and feet. The better it is trained the easier it is for these patterns to help you perform in that area and the activation time is shorter. IIRC also new research found out that it is responsible for higher cognitive activities also. The brain is very compliacted I saw an fmri scan on Psychonaut wiki about certain topics what humans think about, and how it maps out on the brain. Quite fascinatig, but I am so into learning right now and wanting to improve myself that I am not as fascinated by it. My body craves sleep even if I slept for a good amount today 6h30 and yesterday around 9-10h. I am getting back into my old sleep pattern quickly, because of the one allnighter I had to do because of this project. I definitely want to re-plan my approach to not end up like certain people I left behind and quitted the friendship. We call all just fk around and which derp videos all day and make hihihi and hihuhuhu. Like, ... cmon.... This is ridiculous live as so much more to offer and all they want to do is marry and live a mediocore life. I always hated this, I am sad that my best friend from high school and me lost contact. He went to korea etc.

@Leo Gura Wow okay, I imagined them more intensely I did not think they would look so realistic more cartoon like, my vision becomes very anti-reality and colors change often like. https://psychonautwiki.org/wiki/File:WcYKq.gif https://psychonautwiki.org/wiki/File:LucytheFairy.gif Otherwise I often have tracers and driftings effects for e.g I watched one video of you and was so fascinated by your head and the movement of it I watched the full hour+ lol. I usually take 200ug, I cling very much to my body, even during the last retreat I was afraid to let go and therefore let my ego die. I often received compliments for my body because of this the "survial mechanism" is quite strong there. Even with 450ug of Al-LAD or 300ug 1P-LSD I did not have an ego death experience yet, I've gotten to know the Ox but ... dying freaks my brain out I can describe it more accurately currently. I do have a lot of internal hallucinations, so I want to see some entity either once in my life lol. But they are more scenary in nature, like imagining snow scapes or landscapes and the feelings of vastness and space associated with it, especially many child like feelings like riding a bike. Did you ever contact an entity in any form ? Be it an insect, machine elf or w/e there is apparently ?

@Leo Gura What was the highest dose you have taken with LSD or any other derivate , since you say that you are very sensitve and don't need that much ? I was curious because in the new video you talked about seeing your hand full with eyes and imagining them and it became real. Was this on LSD or another substance ? I tripped approx. 15-20 times now, but the enviroment was semi-optimal. Yet, I have a new idea where I could try it, so I was curious and I don't want to go overboard. Either that or 5-MeO DMT...

I'll spam this with links since it is easier then my digtial notebook, as I said a need and want a re-structuring. http://www.calnewport.com/blog/2014/03/31/deep-habits-using-milestones-to-get-unstuck/ http://www.calnewport.com/blog/2012/06/18/impact-algorithms-strategies-remarkable-people-use-to-accomplish-remarkable-things/ http://www.calnewport.com/blog/2010/01/23/beyond-passion-the-science-of-loving-what-you-do/ http://www.calnewport.com/blog/2009/04/10/the-unheralded-splendor-of-the-a-strategy/ http://www.calnewport.com/blog/2009/03/20/the-notebook-method-how-pen-and-paper-can-transform-you-into-an-star-student/ http://www.calnewport.com/blog/2009/11/20/a-study-hacks-primer/

The point is the more masculine you can be the more feminine you can be, especially for people with a more masculine side. It's a dynamic dichotomie you can look at the ying and yang symbol and see that both symbols reach into each other. I can't tell you the meaning but dian ying ... means cinema dian electronic and ying shadow. So, yang is light. Anyway, I can also recommend any audibook from david deida, you can find other quality women when you get to the point of being a quality man. Or I am by no where near this, I thought about this for sometime and made some notes. I can recommend listening to enlightend sex as an audiobook from david deida to have a better perspective around sex in a spiritual context and the idea of femine and masculine, also the dynamics of them and pratices for sex. Or the way of superior men, is also a great book. (I have the audio version..)

@assx95 I did some cringy things with a couple of girls, yet I don't talk much about it. I found this to be helpful besides David Deida. http://www.djbible.classicalgasemissions.com/book_of_pook.pdf https://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/256ezk/quotes_and_advice_from_the_book_of_pook_your_one/ A user recommended this for me once, tracing back some experiences it has some great value for how to appraoch dating and mating in general, also masculine and feminine, what women want, potential warning signs, what certain stuff means or behaviour, what to look out for and what matters. It is a bit abstract, potentially you like it.

Shorty entry. I'll be abusing this a bit for eduaimonia. Asking what is and Blue/orange does have some value. I don't think most people understand what Leo is trying to reach since, they come from the own self-directed path they trodded. It's very funny also observing how american thinking works. Since, I never been to america which is quite unfortunate. I have the citizinship though so... I don't think a lot of mono-racial people questioned their entire existence in that sense Leo is very unique also a lot of bi-racial people stop this or they build a healthy blue social role or a patholigcal blue social role that needs shadow work. I am happy I did shadow work I can be more a social character without denying my uniquness and integrity, meaning I am untouchable in that sense. Die Unantastbarkeit eines jeden Menschen, oder auch Unbescholtenheit. Die sogenannte Integrität. I do not think a lot of people thought about this and it's very funny that the rap I listend to who claims that they are conscious actually are more conscious, they've done a lot of psychdelics I never thought things turn full cricle so quickly. Also, I've been having very weird synchronicities since my kriya experiences. It's odd not sure if I should share. My workouts are making progress I can stem 120kg max of back squats two times and use 90kg for my 5 or 10 reps. I am soon in week 6 of the coach, tomorrow or tuesday will be sprints and burpees. I love the idea of being an athelete it gives me social status which ultiametly gives me serotonin also, and justifies my perceived strenghts without receiving shit from others. I noticed some fat people become jealous but fine, I don't like fat people who are toxic that is the epitome of unconsciouness assholeness, (I surely did contemplate my own), and classim and I'd say even raclism. Some are more nice and enjoy the benefits of green. I am happy that my family was quite green and that I can remember a weird incident when I was born and I was operated. It makes sense that existence has no notions like leo explained in the new video. Otherswise all of this criticism seems so low green and high orange -> claiming to be a system and feeling immediately attacked, it's not bright certainly to do this. Crticism is not feedback, it's basically for me a form of bitching and not being aware of the other person, also a sign of dissatisfaction. Germans are the ultimate complaniers holy fucking duck... It's insane. Feedback is different because it's similar to the talking stick method from steven covery book the seven habits of highly effective people and to get people to do this !!!!!! I TRIED WITH MY MOM DID NOT WORK ! LIKE 20 TIMES NOT JOKING I tried with my best friend he actually did it and I felt understood this was to a large degree my need to feel meaning and my ass being stuck in stage green. Feedback is when I listen to another person ask questions till he feels understood or she or non-binary, binary, cis, trans, queer, concepts and models and more. Till this model feels understood since it will enforce new standards anyway, nothing really philosophical about the post but fine I hate that so procalimed systems thinker, never explain what they actually understand I do this too, yet I notice from my childhood also I need to go into breadth I mostly did what is neccesary and grew vertically now I am also including breadth with seemed superfical to me, so I only focused on depth. This would be my idea about growth that it includes depth and span, as Ken Wilber mentions. So bla bla Now my friend will help me with the project, his father received a heart attack, so he is currently the CEO of a company. Or even multiple ones I will help him to do some stuff and drive some trash around and throw it away. He also helped me with maths in the first semester and he explained it very well, this is where TI shines they understand very well, very very well. Often they don't want to but bla bla TE already has the solution and tbh nobody wants to hear it... it's similar to not selling/marketing yourself properly, you just hand-out free subscription of a multi billion dollar service and everyone chimes in and get's free cake. For some green dumbo talk ? Seriously. Not everybody wants to hear a solution immediately, some are fine with it, some are complacent and abuse it for instance higher FI users I assume and more. Now anyway this friend lived at a temple for 6 months in some traditions I am intellecutally not on par with him since he read and learned coding from a young age of 10 because of his sister. He will do his doctor I want to convince him to continue meditating etc, so he does not become a shitty scientist like my prof is or was, because he also did research. His is quite yellow and will argue and critcize for the sake of it, when it is appropriate he told me some weird things but he does not integrate spirituality. For instance he smoked an orchid and when you do that appartently two times or so in a row your liver dies. He did not know that and a friend told him to do it, also about some weird physicist who does a yoga sun salute and chops a watermelon with his machete. At his birthday I talked to one guy who was a physicist in his bachelors and his name was Diego and I liked him he was very funny, but somehow he was so fascinated by profs etc. That he started to talk with people about that, we talked a bit yet he seemed bored so I went on to antoher person etc. It was kinda odd, I am not a fan of large birthdays if they are not well planned with some activities but now I am wasting time. Not sure where I want to go with this besides that I want him to try some LSD he already has his first paper written and it is being peer-reviewed and it looks very good, also he is an ISTP and they are technique freaks, so I love to learn from ISTP people. Anyway that is about it I hope I don't spam more I turned off Grammarly, so now I need to focus more on not making mistakes and writing correctly, this surely was a time waster post. But I have the app again tomorrow which will block the site for my pc...

I'll be making another entry I pretty sure this is a time waster. Yet, I will go for my work out now and do my routine, my bag is already packed I have a set place where I place my workout clothes after each workout and don't leave them in the bag or they become stinky. Otherwise, I am not making progress with this fking project and this retarded professor is not willing to help. I will ask a friend and otherwise, I have one week to complete the full project and next week a couple of hours. The things that he explained to me I did not understand how this fits together with other parts, I hate low green fuck face scientists. No sorry, this guy is the same as the other professor a kid who reached higher classes and now just contributes to the problem instead of being a solution. He could also be teaching nazis how to code, yet I don't really get why he was so angry, I could say he is yellow and pissed at incompetence. That would make me already more tourquise but I'll doubt that a bit, yet I am not triggered by this as much anymore, since this was my intention to let go during my or a couple of LSD trips where I understood how letting go of yellow feels and it threatened my arbitrary notions of survival. Also, not sure if catching the ox is tourquise since it would be transrational tier. Also, not sure anymore if yellow is transrational there are post post-conventional tiers? ... It's difficult to maintain the knowledge around this subject without rereading and most people are not interested in it. I tbh don't like to take care of things that involve day to day mundane stuff I learned to enjoy it while I lived in China and England but, hell. This is annoying the prof makes me think about him like a boring hitlery person, I know for sure why I am not going to be interested in people who have no degree of fantasy. And definitely no book fantasy people, they are totally deluded, sometimes and you can't see it coming. Not sure I am also just the same kind of pattern running around as a cog in the machine, solving problems to keep the machine clean. At the end, I want to read more as so often, I will re-structure my entire approach again to learning in two weeks after the exam since then my internship will begin and this is basically a "real life" simulation. I want to also read about relationships I listened to the audiobook sex at dawn and have the book the reading queen where I read from time to time, I tend to forget how fascinating things are especially biology and live on earth, yet all of this practicality is worth it. I hated it my entire life, now I learned to enjoy it because of China somehow. I want to freaking move my ass around the globe.

Very short entry max 10 min. I mapped out my schedule for today. Reading some of the forum posts here and watching the new video from Leo. What did I gain insight into let's ask that for now. I definitely am on the path that my brain is part of my body and not a separate thing, it's a difference in practice I highly doubt that a lot of people recognize this. For instance my meditation session again, the cerebellum I assume was pumping, also listening to deep sleep binaural beats I can hear how my brain either is clearing itself from toxins or repairing itself, since deep sleep induces DNA repair and clears the brain of all of its toxins and puts in in repair mode. Not sure if also growth hormones are released, yet using binaural beats when you are sensitive to sounds can work . I could test this more often, yet I want to work on priorities this is important but not urgent. Focusing on the first upper left quadrant of the eisnehower matrix is a good recapitulation of an audiobook I listened about 7 times and made a whole map out of the principles. Now, I also notice that I look at things at holistic fields instead of facts, pieces of pieces and pieces of pieces in depth. It's as if depth and span create a matrix with is currently still 3D but not 4D and most of the time others seem rather 2D in that sense. They have depth and span but only on a superficial level, there is breadth in that sense a z axis, yet I definitely want to repeat some good math lessons when I study for my masters. I looked what I need to learn for machine learning some of the topics where already coverd, yet this major also focuses on a different aspect. Which I liked and still enjoy, but it's more a quadripple sub-component and apparently cartoons are for kids and are utterly classit. Well, I never read much about Walt Disney I know he was an anti-semitic and that some of the cartoons where utterly racist and displayed stereotypical thinking. https://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2017/06/walt-the-quasi-nazi-the-fascist-history-of-disney.html Definitely, want to read up on that like I said I am still not at top performance and I still want to create and optimize my approach to all of this. Now, I am done for now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isx3TzhH7iQ https://www.medpagetoday.com/resource-centers/adult-adhd/cerebellar-growth-patterns-different-young-people-adhd/2026 https://learningbreakthrough.com/learning-breakthrough-blog/adhd-cerebellum/ Not sure how I will go about planning etc learning this, yet I'll leave this here. I will listen now to shinzens talk about the cerebellum

Definitely stop using Grammarly lol. Or buy the premium version this is just bad the hell.

Now the comment from the other guy if we talk about NPC's fine I'll take a healthy distance if there is not reply, I don't like it but okay. For today 15 min timer: Two of my favorite profs already warned about the dangers about larger companies that you'll be working only inside their system. So, even if people here talk about going to SAP and check their social status or any status for that matter. Is utterly ridiculous fine there are also new sectors like human-computer interaction and UX/UI researchers. Who are needed, not sure how many yet the market is here. One classmate does her bachelors there at BOSH. Now, all of these big companies fine I have my favorites. They surely could expand, yet the direction and section where I will do my bachelors and my practical phase for time's sake. Is definitely a different direction it's also human-centric slightly Green/yellow and Green/orange with a focus on green consumers potentially with health and fitness. So, therefore the market is quite new, and there are some very good universities basically the best of the best here in Germany as far as I know in medicine in Heidelberg and Homburg. I was operated in Homburg when I was little and their clinic has a very very good reputation I never fact-checked this. But, it's well known here. So, there is a market for health and fitness applications and I bet also research being done. Yet, the project that I'll be working on is more for consumers and everyday life and hobbyists who are interested in all kinds of sports. I won't share what the prof told me but apparently, there are not apps on the market for a specific service that I could learn and Google also uses, so ... let's see. Otherwise, my time run out because I found my old post. I will set a 7 minute timer it will be 21:30 then and I can study for one session or rather continue with note-taking from the script. Today topic productivity: I listened to the deep work audiobook again while I went down the hill to go shopping it took my about 2h or so to shop and go back home, so I try to buy very efficiently, I once did audio recordings for a class and listened to them, yet this was a time where I still often went back home and I just went for bike rides. A classits freedom . -> All of this talk wants me to read more about communism and socialism Marx and Weber and what names I can recall lenin etc. I don't know much about them I read a bit about Mao and the cultural evolution, confucism and their principle book ( I don't want to call it bible) called li. It thought my nothing really new. So, what was I thinking about I was so concentrated shopping. Definitely that I make blocks in my bullet journal and further segment my tasks into smaller tasks, breaking them down to sub-components, yet not too detailed. Also, never using to do lists. I want to have a big picture that I can break down or deconstruct. Like flow. Now, besides that deep work is a rare skill, I see it with my peers who are dabelling around and some few who are really into cs and work hard for stuff for e.g in the Unix ag. I will re-listen to it approx 5-8 times more. So, I drill this concept into my brain I am already in the third listening phase and listening to it sporadically blah blah Now, I bought groceries for 107 Euro let's see how long they last I also eat in the cafeteria so I foresaw this and I usually buy food that lasts longer, potatoes, natural rice, oatmeals, dried fruits, curry stuff, egg even last long.. , and a few quick dishes to cook, also nuts and some fruits, but I am done with buying loads of fruits I am not used to eating them so I only bought four appeals and a certain kind of peer that I wanted to try nish or so. I ordered a new backpack since my delüx backpack of an utterly horrendous allusion that I am making (yes I am practicing my verbal circus), feels as if it should shut the hell up? Seriously? -> Anway, I bought a new backpack which has a usb port I never knew something like this existed and I finally found a water bottle containing 1.5 liters without BPA or BPE (I want to increase my knowledge about material too) , the other cup I bought I sip this in 2-3 study sessions and I drink a can of tee in approx 2-5. So, I definitely will be more hydrated for my internship. Otherwise, I did my workout and printed out my notes which is something I have never done before and did a root-review. I will definitely read also the small book about productivity once exams are over and re-structure my entire strategy for planning. What I intend since I have time Mo - Sa workweek or Mo-Fr including Sunday and one day off where I'll just read and plan activities that I will do that are not around programming or technical subjects that need practical actions. That is it for now.

I wanted to know how do you approach dealing with visual darkness while meditating, for instance when I meditate when it is dark or during the night. I notice that my imagination and fantasy go wild in interpreting shapes, that I see forming outside. For example, I look at my closet and I see a large shadow creature moving towards me, even if this is imagination or my sense perception, eyes, retina, brain... etc. (optic nerves) Making sense out of the experience I become very scared because I am imagining negative or frightening forms, for example, a devil with horns, a goat-human devilish type creature looking down on me and I see the shapes in the shadow even if it is just the head of the creature. I can't deal with this very well, and I tell myself oh it's not real, it's a figment of the imagination and then 20-30 seconds later I become scared what if it is real. What if I am thrown into Makyio suddenly or start to hallucinate, even if there is a low chance of that happening. (Because of DMT... I assume) There is this driveness to interpret things in this particular way, my body reacts emotionally and especially my brain, so am I supposed just to sit through it? Even when I am going to scream because I am scared shitless? Without my neighbours, I would try a bit more, yet many worries kick in and I am not sure how to deal with that. I also think this is not very good. With psychedelics I found it to be a bit easier because I can rationalize I am tripping "anyway" and therefore I can deal with visual effects. I never had a horror trip with visuals. I had one slight horror trip where I felt I processed the dream of another person, two times with the same personality type... But I could have also just been "tripping" I thought I lost this post but the forum saved it, therefore, I am posting. I wanted to know this also because I want to do darkroom retreats and the person who I wrote to here, quit after 4 days he also did psychedelics and said the sounds scared him. So, what are good ways to deal with the darkness I watched Leos blog and Peter Ralston talks about it from, we are a teacup. Is all of this fantasy, phantasma, imagination, hallucination, illusion and so on, why is it so impactful and how to deal with the darkness while sitting at night, closed eyes are fine, but what if I want to penetrate and overcome the fear? I had this fear since I was small which thought me a bit about the painbody... now that my identification ceased a lot (besides the brain ) I notice that ... only my brain reacts and I want to move... so is there a way to reinterpret darkness in some proven way?

@Dimi thank you for the links I saved them

@tenta What ?

Max 10 minute entry: ( 2-5~ish over) I wanted to review my meditation techniques before I meditate my sleep schedule is for now in disarray and I want to re-structure it again. Yet, I will stay spontaneous for now because of my not very good preparation for my exams. So... I have to see and first do a review before I criticize and be harsh towards myself without any solid reason. Meditation current techniques I use. See, hear, feel paradigm from Shinzen Order of how often I use the techniques in a session and their effects (IIRC) Hear in = Notice identification with self (also the quality of the talk, making a distinction for e.g if it's breadth or deepth) Feel Flow = destruction of what apparently is or a destructive technique I call it destruction for now See in = notice mental image, behind the mental talk, with mental talk, Feel Out = notice, pain, heat, the hidden invocation of flow, wind, physical pain, cushion, pressure, tense feelings Hear Flow = destruction of vibrations in sound, cyclic sound, oscillating, humming, buzzing, fast talk space also the movement of it slowing down or speeding up. See Rest = notice rest states grayscale black like a movie screen that is dark Hear Out = notice the start of sound and end, beginning and ending of cycles, new input of sound, utterances, a sound that I do myself, breathing, moving See Out = movement of new points of my eyes saccades dynamic movements of the eyes to find a new fix point, therfore finding fixpoints with eyes open, objects moving into see space, eyes refocusing when blinking on one point or the whole space Gone = notice vanishing, destroys time and space See Flow = flow when eyes closed, "fractal" or light movements off green or red or dots moving in the greyscale black of rest, images forming in the grayscale blank Hear Rest = silent undertone of nature, or that high beep sound when you just sit and there is no quality what so ever to perceive besides this in sound space Feel Rest = feeling states of rest in the body ( very rare for me ) Not covered The paradigm of space and the big picture for that I have to go through my notes. Active and passive stances Feel Good, be good ... paradigm Pain processing algorithm

Short post it's quite late. Writing a post here and reflecting on immediate thoughts brought to my attention that I grew a lot solely through reflecting in my journals and writing down stuff physically and dong exercises like CBT and shadow work and using it as a gratitude journal. It truly is a way to solve problems I totally forgot this. Well, still I feel very odd. I keep thinking about classes more in a social constructed way and the video from Leos blog is what i feel and can comprehend quite well especially with shinzen youngs paradigm. I still did not listen to the life practice program session where he talks about the cerebellum. When the exams are done I definitely want to get more into health as I am doing now, my exercises are going great. Tomorrow or today rather... will be the easiest workout I've done in some time not sure why the app recommends it but I am following through for now. I see some small contours of me having a six-pack without needing to stretch out my belly muscles. Oh yeah and I sinned two times I checked Instagram and saw some old people from my old school, It's just more decadence in a sense but they have fun in their hedonistic lives. Not sure what I can make out of that thought, besides analyzing my situation. Hmm.... I'll want that the internship and my bachelors and the taken moduls in programming are worth it and I want to read more books. One chapter of a Wilber book and I already have to change my whole approach to who I see myself and shadow work. Also I want to watch more videos from Paul Check he seems to be old 50-60+ read Wilber and talks a lot about spirtuality etc. But I also thought about how much time I spend on the TV, I definitely want to take some walks and ponder and listen to some audiobooks while I am doing the internship here. So, I can ponder in and with nature.

I don't know why I could pinpoint, yet I am very motivated today for no reason and I am in a good mood with only 1h and 20 min of sleep. I want to increase my ability to strategize, yet I see the limits of yellow and I am not a very organized person or industrious person by nature, most of it I have to train myself to run automatically. Life still feels like clockwork skimming the Actualized.org Textbook I will definitely re-read this and an I want to make a 6 day work week where I work on relevant projects for Uni and take Saturday or Sunday of to read. Also, to do a bit of speed reading training again, since I lost track of how good I am at it. Otherwise, I am thinking about what to review. I definitely don't want to critically assess my current situation and would like to write about positive plans or situations or actions. Studying and discipline are two things I am getting more and more the hang off, especially with my large expectations and I hope I can ace my last semester of studies. I am also a bit more optimistic about shadow work, yet I want to clean my room and finish this project and then start with a normal schedule again. This is not feasible long-time but the green tea is a super stimulant. This is all there is to it currently I will continue with my project and keep working at enlightenment, meditation, love, relationships, studying, life purpose, being a life long learner, acquiring wisdom, open-mindedness and acceptance. My biology, my psychology, history, politics, systems, structures, etc. Yet, currently computer science I am looking forward to my masters next year if everything works out perfectly and I want to build upon the foundation that I have built over the past years and keep working at it. There is so much that I have not, yet done and I am happy that I am out of this slump of negativity, mind fog, self-hatred, and loathing, decadence, hedonism, procrastination and more. I still have a lot of doubts, yet turning to friends and family helps and receiving support. I want to turn my life around 720 degrees and charge forward and create what I want to create, listen to the advice that is applicable to my life situation, wisdom etc. Doing common wisdom as a common practice and learn about principles. I think this is what makes yellow deep besides models that internally derived principles of how life functions have a lot of horizontal breadths. The more conscious I become the better and greater my life circumstances turn out to be. Training with a master in meditation and learning from him as a teacher is great, worshipping is a difference, having a good sense of admiration is inspiring. I also want to say, I don't know how many times I made fun of spiritual masters because they are dirty enlightened old men who fart shaktipa and make people enlightened through this. Or have a great character and are enlightened is just makes me grin. I want this too, and working for it with a great master and teacher is humbling as well as compelling to aggress. After Exams, I want to take a whole day or two and review my notes here as well as physically in written as well as auditorially in spoken form. (No videos yet of what I just like to do since I also like media, film, creativity at large). I am looking forward to my masters I still have not decided yet to which Uni I will go since I want to connect it with my bachelors and there are two key topics I want to dive into which is machine learning and a.i. Yet, this won't be easy so embrace myselfs! I definitely have the right proof to land a career at a different company than SAP or Bosh or smth. like that. I also want to keep integrating orange. I want to read up on that.

@Cepzeu This is awesome thank you for sharing this!