ValiantSalvatore

Because tbh I don't care but how can I verify something rather than nothing ? That was still logged in. Anyway, I feel pretty prepared now for the exam it won't be great I can tell, I will do the mock exam once again and then go through all the exercises and look for potential questions the professor could ask, and different lines of code he could use. Now short review of today: I did the pratice exam two times and corrected the exams two times, to see how many points I'll get. I did good, the second time, the first time was horrbile writing code by hand is very good for me I'll remember the structure better while typing. They will change this, I think understanding will get lost in the future and rather solving and newness will rule. My workout today was tough but I did better than expected and I went early. 35kg Push Press 100kg Back squats 80 kg deadlifts 50 burpees + Warum up and drills Took me about an hour to finish. I notice that through cooking a lot I throw away a lot of food, because I eat at the cafeteria, my freezer is to small to store food to be effective or rather... not sure how laden this word is or rather a part of a social mileau, that people studied. From the new video I definitely know that I read a few papers here and there but I don't know how to conduct a study. I will learn this and this was my ideal during my bachelors although it will be project based. I will be working on the project and I hope I don't f'up my GPA and can't go the the Uni where I sniff this is the best choice for now, and study there also in a city I always wanted to live and go to Berlin. So, that would be awesome SD said before 10-15 years that Berlin is a hotspot for Yellow. And I can follow the call of Josh , anyway. I just will pratice and see how well the exam tomorrow goes. Then I'll study the whole day for the other exam and the project is still open. My friend will still help me, he is a crack as far as I heard in coding, but he struggles with actualizing etc. Now, on to studying I can't tell what I would want to write about I'll definitely want to listen to this when on LSD and I can't take meditation etc. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2FYZCoxCjs There is better stuff though like https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnRRZb4C8WQ

Okay, I am 38 minutes in the new video I planned my day and will conquer this schedule plan better than yesterday. I will go early to the gym on weekends not so late anymore. Otherwise, the thing about authority is I "know" this from the Alan Watts audiobook You are it. The point is for me, that at one point the difference between pratice and lectures or dharama talks become self-evident. When I listen to Eckhart Tolle now, I see him and his teachings more differently than 3 years ago. The same for other stuff, and then new teachers come up such as Peter Ralston etc. I know that stage oranges focus in on proving things for oneself, I think this is where mechnical engineers etc. Shine, I know I often use authortity figures in speech in order to come across more confident and or to cite trustworthy figures and to figure out where others have their input from. Because just opinonating around (ESFJ) is just giving him tbh tbh tbh tbh tbh the most authority the whole damn time. So, as if he seeks the validation from others and forms a epistemic communty of experts etc. But, most of the time people have no clue, to what they are pointing at. And my intuition sniffs this... very silently. I can't tell more perciscely. Otherwise, I've been wary of authority but notice I sometimes seek the comfort expertise rather than authority, authority figures and such in a classical sense make me angry or annoying. The talk from alan watts explains the same, that if you give your authority to others, you are doing that. Since you are it. (Imagine Alan Watts laughing) If you think you need a guru. You need a guru. If you think you need a teacher you need a teacher. Yet, you can walk this path all alone, but it is unconventional rather than conventional. It's good to be aware of that and I am not done with the epsiode. But enough for now.

Short entry then I will do a study session. I am spending to much time on the forum. I want to get out and study and not stay inside, sometimes it works it's also an advice I've read, yet there are a couple of things now I want to adress. Therefore, I can't really tell. What to say or start first, but I want to start with studying I studied today only for 4 study sessions out of 10 planned. Which was horrible, I woke up to late and my routine did not improve I called my mom for 45 min and walked outside for about an 1h while on the phone. I washed my clothes during that time, I went to the gym and cooked some food for now 1h and 50 min approx. Then I meditated for 1h, I installed a bunch of shit, because I was trying to fix a problem which was not explained in the exercise and we just talked and apparently we don't even need it for the exam. But I understood the code... Tomorrow is the last day before the exam and on monday I will study after the exam for the easier exam. The friend I asked to help me with the project said yes, I am so thankful for that and happy that I can have solid stage yellow friends even if only two and I miss the other one a lot. My old best friend I think is now in solid green with a Green/orange shadow and thinking the world runs in orange. Not yellow, it's difficult to see for them that they are a node in a network communicating with others, like a video game. You hop in and play with a couple of people get out and see their dynamics unfold. Greatness often times with a big hint of sarcasm but fine. I drifted off, into nagging. See. this is the insanity that 99% of people don't understand and can't see. Many turkish people don't even really know or seem to know how they have been treated or italians by Germans in the past with dirty marketing and burshing them off as people from the second class. There is some new student that I see often, because the campus is small. I already did not like the guy for no reason, just my intuition. He is that fat "turkish" I am going by nation here... he smokes. ... so he is no proper muslim, for religionsanity sake. And is fat the only thing that he can do is talk to girls and be some cute chubby dude, while being an egotistical asshole. I assume, this guy as 0 respect like nothing and I can't tell I dislike him and I see him to often to not think about this guy as some lesson. But, I can't pinpoint to it besides making more girl friends. Which is a bit more difficult in IT than in business, there are less but the IT girls are mostly nicer. Etc. To much gym talk today to much studying over the past weeks. ( Which I enjoy) Overall not enough time for myself. Even if I take it an hour here and there I want to expand my horizion and not study code holy crap and code and code and code and code and code and code and code and code and paradigma and code and code and code and code and code and code and code. Oh how many hours have passed 4 ? And code and code and code and code and code and code and code and anger and furstration and fun and code and code and code and code and code. Yes, exactly this is supposed to be a journal and I wanted to study. All of this self-talk is vanishing, it's insane how much it has been reduced because I use the hear in technique so often. I also lost consciouness 2-3 times during meditation which was deeper and image space brought my back. It's very subtle I notice this a lot more. But there are other things I am currently worrying about like the exams. I definitely only studied today effectively for 2h. Not more And wasted a good 2h now on the forum This was absolut shit. Two days before the exam and I studied assiduously for the past weeks, yet the wrong material, to many exercises, to much focus on understanding and writing quizzes that in the end did not work. All I apparently need to do is pratice with the pratice exam and pick out example with are similar so, I can restructure the code in the exam and understand different programming paradigms and potentially arange the code in that order and changes involved with that. That is okay, but I can't tell if he chooses different problems and the exercises are way harder than the mock exam. I am fked, and I can't tell what he wants to do. It's a bit annyoing that many IT students live as recluses with one or two friends and the occasional social dynamic warrior that shows up, goes back home and already has an infrastructure. Sometimes I wished we had anarchy literally I can't tell if this is blue or yellow or green or purple. Because it works like a network, ressources are distributed fairly and money is being abolished which is a social invention, it started somewhere on an island they exchanged shells as cultural goods for gems or smth like that and had a trading route. So, the rarity and the cultural value was the value generated and used as currencies, both the shells and the gems. Like bitcoin and euro for e.g nowadays. Yet, I forgot all of these stories since I rarely write with the person and I am not reading much. So, all of this old stuff and contemplation is the only thing currently on my mind. Oh and code. With the pun Kot auf deutsch which means -> shit. Literally.

I feel a bit triggered again by German Hitlery I want to have some positive interactions with Germans who are solid green and not career junkies who are materalistic as fuck and project the living hitler. Now, otherwise it's fine I slept longer today because I was tired my productivity will be less so, also I want to work on my charm. Because I am quiet straight forward with women it's a bit easier because I can be playful, yet that also takes some time. Otherwise I will start studying, I want this exam period to be over and start my bachelors also. I am intersted in Leos politics video heavily.

Yes, I heard the story in his audiobook I thought he went deeper, yet he said his sense of self vanished and never came back. Also, depending on the monastary I bet japan is more hardcore, they don't meditate as much for e.g I wanted to go for 2 months into a monastary to train and use the time as well as possible. Yet, in retrospect thy only meditate for 2h and 45min with 30 minutes kinhin entailed. So, it's not that much a 90 min SDS could potentially be better. Yet, they also enforce this a tiny bit there. Not sure if there is nothing to do I bet you can also just meditate there. Which was sometimes the case. Yet, they also run retreats so attending those is better where they have 4 sehssins or a rohtasu. For some intense pratice I heard they are tough. Yes, my entire nervous system at least that is how it feels recalibrated itself after my kriya experience. That is how it feels like, I looked into how my nervous system is made up and in which parts of the body it is present. Yet, I want to re-visit that one thing I can tell is that it communicates with the brain because of the vagus nerve.

Not sure why but I feel like journaling I could go to bed I am 7 mins overtime now I wanted to write something, yet I wanted to also know some questions. The more I talk to people who know stuff, by reading and teaching themselves the more I notice how badass that is and how much more I want to know, I definitely want to create a stronger drive to knowledge I wanted to let go of knowledge during my LSD trip and I went deep. Yet, I did not succeed oh no I did but I went deeper than I thought, this kind of "knowledge" does not make any sense. I notice also I could have spent that time reading. BUT NO I became curious about everything and nothing again. So, I did 8 study session today which seems to currently be a new average that is 400 mins of study which is 6h and 40 minutes of studying. I started at 9 finished at 4pm then went on to working out and studied from 7pm to 8pm and from 9pm to 10pm. So, there is a lot more leeway. I want to study for 10 study session tomorrow that would constitute to 500 minutes of focused studying and 100 minutes of breaks. Meaning I would study for 10h with 1h 40 of breaks and 8h and 20 studying. This seems to be a very good and calculated time not an estimated. And I want to say this again I want to restructure my entire approach to studying. Nobody did the exercises that I knew of from the class that I am attending, there where mostly 3 people present in the whole class, so I don't quite get this can everyone already do it. Or are the exercises so fked that nobody can solve them. It's sort of both. Most don't seem to have a clue, me neither I study and understand what is to understand. Yet, I want to work on figuring things out on myself. I often re-construct and understand and repeat. Yet, I don't figure and solve problems as much as I want to. Even though journaling is part of the solving process. So, more on that. Sometime.

I wasted good 40 minutees that is almost a whole study session again on this forum. I studied a lot so I'll enjoy taking the breaks. I'd love to read about enlightenment and all of this stuff, but the more rational choice would now be to focus on my daily life I am not up to Leo's standard or standards that I impose upon myself and that is perfectly fine. I want to do certain things, yet nobody besides myself can know what is right for me in this current situation and what is wrong. Sure, their is guidance and I appreciate it more than most people, humans, creatures etc. could physically know. But, this is crazy partially. I don't know how long Leo meditates, how he earns his money with the youtube earnings sure he has some products, but how does he market them ? Does he use google ads ? Or other way to generate traffic and sales. Do they payout ? How much revenue does he make ? How much money did he save with his business etc. It's not important in the spiritual sense yet it provides him with the financial foundation. Not sure where I was going with this but it makes me wonder sometimes, how well he can handle business I always found this admirable because it seems like a manly quality to get things done and exectue. Especially on ones goals, dreams and vision even adds a feminine quality to it. So, I was very curious which steady state-stage Leo is at. Especially with all the psychedelics he sure has changed, ..... yet tbh I think for the better. It also is more fun to watch his content somehow and I enjoy it a lot more. It's like he is teaching what he wanted to teach ? And not giving out advice, yet at the same time the amounts of psychedelics to consume and find people who are open to it, let's say a partner is a tricky thing. Then to make sure it's not some cracky old LSD abuser or I want to get high type person. Yet, uses it responsibley. Be able to handle breakthroughs all of that. But there is Martin Ball. So... I truly want to build a live of freedom, health, peace , joy , consciouness etc. Yet, I am not as hell ass literally driven as Leo. I don't have that much drive holy lol. But, I want to work and improve and this is of utmost importance, especially my financial situation because I am still studying and want to do my masters. I can learn to work highly strategically and improve in orange, blue areas, and yellow. + Other higher stages occsionally with retreats and psychedelics. I usually intended to do them more often, but I am not as curious and commited yet. I for sure wasted some tabs and just went into full pleasure mode with music and video games. Now that I stopped it's a different game. Music definitely purpoted me to higher stagers so I'll use that. Otherwise, I can't tell study and research are two things I lack to fully understand what spirituality is about. So, I want to become more strategic. This also includes many other areas. Now I am done before I will write more. For instance about Green Tea and it's properties.

@ardaciginThanks again for the insights ! I read the post a couple of times and it convinced me definitely to buy the book of Culadasa I never watched or read anything from him. I have heard of the book though. Also, about thinking to replicate how a state of absorption was reached is very interesting ! I'd love to respond more, yet I am unsure if it would be helpful, also to others in this thread. I know that it is possible from one "case" that in 5 years a no-self steady state is possible becoming a stream-enterer, shinzen told me via the life pratice programm, that there are lots of them, so I was a bit disappointed but happy, that there is a way to achieve no-self. A couple of days later a guy who joins the life pratice program regulary talked with shinzen about some stuff, he achieved no-self IIRC with a 90 min practice in 5 years. That seems like it is stable. There was no talk around a peak experience anymore he daily life sounded quite intense I could imagine a bodhisattvalives like this. ( I think I saw some bodhisattva's when I lived in China) I am now 4 years in with a 1h meditation pratice for the majority of the time (3 1/2 years). I had some off days after 3 years, yet I praticed everyday for 3 years. But between the 3 and 4 year I missed a whole month+ because I was just mad at the practice and life in general. So, that was not so good. Anyway, hope this gives some clarity for your path in some way. (In total I have about 25-30 days of retreat practice, this year alone 6 days). Mostly the home pratice programm from shinzen, as well as zen retreats in a soto zen tradition. Which was shinzen approved that it is not a cult. So.... I still want to be wary of all of this. It's not that easy imo, a bit more easy when it there are sexual scandals or suciceds etc. After reading the post of yours it reminded me that I had a couple more of these high-states of relaxation I went into the white light and my boundary of my perceived internal self disappered and everything felt vast, as if I observe with a pasive stance in shinzens paradigm. So, I'll just take in with open eyes for e.g what ever happens, but I don't focus for e.g with see out on a single point, but more on the vastness of the area. So, the dynamics of input streams worked differently and the object and stance of focus is different. So, I went into these and I was also not sure if I feel asleep or if I am in a high-state of relaxation, I saw the white light at least 4-5 times or more, before I drifted off into sleepiness because I was very tired, yet it felt so amazingly fking good. Like I just marched 50km and had a enlightenment experience, the example is a bit over the top, but I hope it explains the experience a bit more. I was forced into rest because of exhaustion for some reason. Not sure if this was in a retreat. If I may be so free and voice my opinion, if you have a lot of free time currently ( which I wasted in the past) and this is your favorite thing to do, I would shoot for a 7-10 day home retreat a couple of times, if you can do that. I did one over a weekend but it was more reactionary because of a kriya experience and I wanted to validate things and went a bit cray.... Yet, with such an intense pratice you can build a nice structure and potentially reach no-self very fast. In 4 - 3 years. I don't doubt it, yet I don't know anyone else who has done it faster than 5 years besides that one case. So, wish you the best and much success !

Not sure what to write about I am letting my tea cooldown, it's way to hot and the bottle can hold up to 1.5 liter and I definitely want some green tea for l-theanin and some alpha brain wave states with binaural beats while studying. So, I can work with more alterness and attentivness. What to write about ? Meditation Studying Planning Reading Maintaining knowledge Sorrows Stress Intuition I will write about meditation, notice this won't be technical since I have to review the script and my notes for that. I noticed that shinzen youngs description especially the script is highly secular, almost the pinnacle of it, it feels similar to studying for project managment and I miss the mystical quality a bit. It's very dry and technical, so it takes more effort to learning it and re-calling it successfully. Otherwise, my meditation session still give me this slight streamlined feeling that I had in an enhanced way, after the 14day zen-retreat. I definitely want to transcend my brain, I am tired of thinking and experiencing classim and the contemporary zeitgeist, completely denying it's existence. Stil, the meditation pratice is going well, not sure if 1h a day is enough I wanted to do 90 minutes that seems feasable even for a busy schedule with a proper routine. 2h of random meditation without a structure is not feasible longterm. 60 minutes does not feel like it's having the impact that it used to, 90 minutes does feel like it goes a bit further. So, stuff becomes more streamlined for a longer time, without relying on "back-up" pratice, the micro hits and background pratice certainly maintain the streamlinedness of live and I think I understand a bit better Shinzens analogy with types of painting and their corresponding spiritual pratice. Vispassana is similar to california style minimalist paintings iirc, three differently colored stripes of grey on a wall. This describes the streamlinedness and quality of it perfectly and also vipassana for me, it's similar to upahia, skillfull means. Which describes the quality of the streamlindness in action, not the outer .. quality of it. Now, I am done and will study. I am up since 5:45 and did a shadow work session, meditation, eating, and stretching (15min). + I planned my day. So, up I go. Thanks for that aspect.

@ardacigin Thanks for sharing this. I have some issues around what constitutes as a no-self experience I read the four stages of enlightenment on wikipedia. I also know which pratices or pattern in shinzen youngs system works for reaching a no-self stage. Otherwise, I had a similar experience, yet I was so exhausted and I praticed some compassionate meditation techniques such as tong-leng or shinzen youngs feel good and at the beginning some body sweeping exercises, that I decided okay it's time to accept that I can't deal with this pain anymore. I can keep pushing, yet alone it's difficult sometimes and I would rather rely on flexibility instead of pure willpower. Therefore, I laid down and I had a 0.5 - 1 second experience of seeing and entering the countours of white light and I went into it but, did not make it very far... So I snapped out of it. It was definitely caused by relaxation this is one technique from shinzen that I use the least. I don't think many people... realize that rest is a steady state. Also, I had some weird experiences with "no-self" which makes it difficult for me to distinguish of what no-self is. For e.g did I fall asleep or did I go deep, I asked shinzen he told me I went deep, I asked the zen master I did the retreat with he was making sure if I did not fall asleep I assured him I did not. He said nothing. Soto zen.... So, I am quite sure I went deep, yet ordinary consciouness wanted me back and my self was scared in that moment. Not, sure if anyone reads these comments but fine. I can't really tell how advanced or not advanced I am, since I apparently have to work with energies too, which makes it a bit culty. But, well. Better than exorcism. It seems similar, yet fine.

I took a 2h break which was a bit to long almost 3h, yet the last class was a bit shorter so, I could take one hour out of my schedule and dedicate it to learning. I am still in the 2h break. I watched this older video from Leo, I bought three books from the booklist about happiness a couple of years ago and I was so unhappy during that time. Now I want to reflect a bit to use this jounral purposefully. What are my happniess bottlenecks: 1. Currently not a lot of friendships 2. emotional support. I dislike it a bit and I will only take two of these items for now. Actions steps I have taken: 1. Reading the famous book How to win friends and influence people 2 or 3 times. Going to China and going to London, doing CBT exercisis around that. 2. Taking part in the life practice program, going to the gym for emotional well-being, journaling, calling friends and family Actions steps that i can take: Join the regular Asta meetings even if I complain a lot about the situation here, it's better than nothing, also hope on the opporunity after the exams during the internship to play some beach volleyball from time to time and meet some friends. Otherwise I won't have classes anymore.. 3. Call my best friend more often on the weekend and take some time out to meet on the weekend when I do the internship. Ideally we also will be coding together, so this will be great. Otherwise I can't take out much of the video, I will re-plan my structure and take a few days off doing planned nothing, scheduling some relaxing activites and then go on with a new draft for the new semester and final semester.

@CreamCat He still accepts the money he could have closed it. The point for me is what does he do with it? Or what did he do. Also, everyone knew so he could not have had missed that. I do think an PH. D is an achievment depending on what your LP is and how much value is being added. If he supported a cause that helps a lot of people without any sort of discrimination that is fine. Even accepting it for himself, yet I don't know what he did with it. Potentially fund his campaign? I never really saw JP as a right winger, I liked his realness and that he expresses himself with a feeling of freedom etc. The bill c16 and this stuff, it's fine to speak out against it. I am not well-versed in creating legislations, yet I am not sure why he is so afraid of hippies. For instance in the PragerU Video of him. Sounds like you are way to tough on your self you can certainly increase "green" with self-compassionate pratices and believes. The though mindset is nice, but not sure what values it gives. I workout, yet I am not a top level athlete. I was curious if you did anything specific that allowed you to grow in certain areas.

I overslept today, and wanted to do it I noticed I need more sleep and even though I woke up on time and took a few steps around the appartment. I decided to sleep for another 1h 30. I only had 6h approx of sleep. Which is not enough when working out and studying all day, my mind needs more rest, the body is fine but not my head. So, I am currently not doing the stretching exercises that I want to do, but I wake up 15 min earlier, so I could do them. Yet, I notice I am spending a lot of time on the forum, especially yesterday answering peoples questions and it got me thinking a bit. It's very difficult to know if someone truely thankful for advice or is used receiving things. Ask and you shall be given. Is the first though that pops into my mind. I am still waiting for my nootropics which focus mainly on the brain and mylein etc NGF and BDNF I can't recall anymore what they are good for. Still, I am a bit scared about the exams I did not prepare properly even when I took some steps. The professor where I do the project is a fking asshole, I can't say it often enough and some of the cs people here are truely assholes. Nepotism and friendships in Germany is still way to strong here, you have the right friend group and doors and access to solutions, projects etc will open. Part of what I am saying are assumptions, yet I notice more and more that I am alone again. Which I've been for the most time in my life, because I am a single child. It's very odd,... it's like you see 10000 steps ahead but can't take the next step, because you know you will loose, so you have to setup the correct path omg fking map methapor. I am quite done, with looking at things as a map and yellow, yellow is not sufficient. I want to look at things as holistic fields and macro solutions to macro problems on earth. I will make a plan now and study I made myself some tee. My workouts are doing fine, yet I still currently can't get over the idea of privilige, it makes me so angry. That CDU party and Germans don't see this and perpetuate it. I hope the CDU completely becomes dismantled as well as the SPD and we actually have a liberal party so social cohesion would be stronger. Instead of these retarded secular traditionalists who are doing nothing more the purple / blue tribe mentallity. Germans definitely are not as evolved as they are presented on a world stage, all they have is their secular sounding langugage or mechnical, technical etc. Which makes sound somewhat sophisticated and logical. But, German is not that beautiful, especially when you come from my region. Although, it's fun. I did CBT for a while and I can't stand Germans anymore or how priviliged white people are based on their skin color, in a sociological and psychological scale, they have to deal with less pressure etc. I am happy I choose a prof who is also interested in social causes to do my bachelors and the internship, since nowadays and in this region it is not guranteed even if they act like this etc. If they need to make muslim jokes and black jokes in the ASTA and other foreigners just tolerate it, and they enforce sterotypes, as peasant German they clearly are not conscious and I am not interested to be part of the problem.

@ardacigin He says somewhere that it's more comfortable to sit for long hours, because even for him the pain kicks in but at one point everything becomes numb and pain does not matter at this point or so, he definitely said it's easier to sit cross legged, his teachers forced him into the full lotus, that was the story behind it because it is more comfortable for longer sits. My back starts to hurt in a chair after 1h30 or 2h. approx and about the spine on a cushion, I have a zabuton and zafu, it is easier to keep erect / maintain...the spine there. instead of on a chair, since you rely on your body strucutre more heavily not having to use a back rest. I definitely notice that I don't have any lower back issues and I assume that is what hurts while sitting on a bed with a cushion for sometime, when you sink into it a bit, you have to balance more, at least that is how it feels with me I tried the same. After seeing leo doing it for his retreat on a couch. A couch is a bit more comfy. But I prefer zabuton and zafu with buckwheat if I googled correctly, not kapuk, kapuk is horrible imo and a low budget version. Yet, buckwheat needs to be refilled it's a bit harder and more couch like but gives more leeway and it's very comfy and still sturdy. I am not at all flexible I trained for 3 months in the morning, yet 15 minutes are not enough. I asked at the zen retreat for some exercises, they could not give me an exercise for how to develop flexibility. I want to do hardcore sittings, yet I have and want to train my body. My motivation now definitely has shifted, since a lot of pain is gone. I have a different history with pain, I have to make this smooth otherwise my brain goes poof. I tried the pain-processing algorithm from shinzen it was very effective for me I did it for 4-3 months, but switched back to choiceless awarness since my deepest experiences with meditation in a state-stages sense was with the do-nothing technique. So, I figured I'll take a something that helps me more with everyday life, so I can spam meditation techniques during the day and lables which help to stay aware, but I notice while writing a lot of the time it's cognitive not bodily focused. Since, as I said I have a different history with pain I ,can't feel my body as much as I would want to through breath and I am not joking my cerbellum hurts, afterawhile . So.. I want to adress this also directly, but one step at a time. How do you deal with small LIVING things, like insects or bugs crawling on you while you do SDS lol ? For me it is currently not as much the posture, that is hindering me but, my brain or the brainbody, the cerbellum controlls posture and body movements and sensory motor skills IIRC. so... I was wondering, I'll definitely get back to SDS more when I can sit half-lotus and full. Meanwhile I'll sit crosslegged with a cushion. I definitely recommend a cushion, it's a nice ritual imo, at one point to even get rid of on the four paths to enlightenment which includes stream entry, or if you want to be hardcore you can do it on the floor ! lol People in Nurma do that in a vipassana tradition there, they solely focus on pain lol ! That you can sit for that long in this poistion is amazing I can't do that yet and I don't think I will be able to do it, also because of my body and "health" issues. You could ask shinzen if he could teach you the technique or he could ask the guy from the life pratice program who pratices it to teach you. I don't know he always says you can call him etc. I don't have his number lol, but in an emergency he always says you can call him. I thought about writing a mail no one ever asked for the number in the programs I took part in. But enough talking for now. I am done and will go to bed. Thanks for the post again !

@ardacigin Are you solely meditating on a chair or do you also use a cushion ? I want to become more flexible and set a timer in the morning to do some stretches, yet I am also curious since I meditated the vast majority of the time at the beginning of my journey on a chair. I can sit depending on the chair for a long time. I think the longest time I ever sat in meditation in a single sit was on LSD for 3-4 hours and during home pratice programms from shinzen young I usually sit in a chair, since I can sit on a cushion for 60 mins. 45 mins in SDS. Also thank you for sharing even the people who did the zen retreat where not that serious that is quite inspiring ! I want to be able to sit in full lotus, because it get's difficult for longer sits on a chair apparently, this is what shinzen says. After 90 min my back really starts to hurt so I move a bit. Also, since I am and decided to solely practice with shinzen youngs techniques that. A quick note: I don't understand your technique, yet I can tell you the purpose of gone in a big picture sense, so if it happens you know this "should" have been caused by gone. Gone breaks up space and time. This is how shinzen also explains it in one video, potentially in the pdf. I tried self-inquiry but it was a bit to intense anyway. Thanks for sharing this ! Shinzen surely is amazing I can't be thankful enough or I'll cry again.

@CreamCat Why does JP lack mastery when he has a Ph.D ? What counts as mastery ? I mean an olympian mastered, for instance javlin tossing, and is a very nice person. Yet, it's very rare imo to feel inspired by a single olympian instead of olympia itself (besides you are a fan) and the "festival" and attraction that it pulls, wanting to see people perform and beat records, representing countries, being an political event. I know Usian Bolt that's it. I feel more that this is a political opportunity, I imagine how it must have been in rome or greece not sure if rome also had olympia. And I like olympia and the variety of sports a lot... I just don't watch it often. I mean I could critcize JP that he does not do enough research or publishes enough paper if his field of mastery is academics etc. Yet, I often feel that he is more on a mission not sure what kind but, he definitely spreads his agenda and I am still not really on terms with him receiving money from right-wingers or apparently extrem right-wing on patreon. He deleted it, but where does he pour the money into ? Publishing books ? Nothing against his books I like 10 rules for life I feel things like this are missing, yet the more crucial point is a healthy family, in a healthy enviroment with appropriate opportunities for growth and chances for others to join the commune. I've once read an dysotopian book where everything was perfect, basically all levels of spiral dynamics especially health (let's say reaching green or Green/yellow with so many system changes / thinking about health), so including beige, hormornal checks etc. They contaminated or put certain areas under quarantine, banned cigarettes and alcohol. Etc. I can't remember the end of the book, it is called corpus delicti, meaning the body or tool / vessel which did the murdering, in simplistic terms. It definitely did not end well, it's clear that people are deficient, yet I don't think everyone can be an ace or a superstar. The point is optimization, and I can't become an olympian as Stephen Hawking.. but, he certainly contributed and mastered the fields relevant to physics or theoretical physics. So, that is my point. I am also trying to grow therefore not sure if this post was useful, because, it would rather be interesting to hear your perspective on how to grow through each stage and action steps taken, for instance joined the xyz community and helping with refugees from xyz, etc. So, having a list of activities that involve each stage. That would be very cool also. I like the video you posted a lot and subbed the channel. I also think many people who do sports are definitely more humble and have very good purple tribe mentallity and respect towards each other in the team with defined roles etc, that they can act out healthly in blue. But you can't be at beige basically by definition of the spiral dynamics book, since you are not reduced to your biological functions. Stage beige is a new born, or someone who has a serious ilness and was no "consciouness" therefore or free will or some other name. You can look at it from a biological perspective and the SAAFE review, yet most people here did not take the test, rendering the post a bit useless. I get what is meant most likely from the test, yet it does not really seem that many read the book. Being beige according to the book is horrible...

10 min entry: So far I did 6 study sessions approx. I did two 25 min "pomodoro" study sessions because of limited time. So I studied more or less intensely today for 5h which is okay I planned 8 or 9 I guess, so I am doing fine, yet when I look at progress made I did some unecessary stuff, I will prepare more with the pratice exam and then pick out the exercises that are useful for tackling similar problems and the exam. Then I will be more productive and achieve better results. I praticed to much with the exercises the last couple of days because that is apparently a enengram type 4 tendency to have difficulty to find out what is important and what is not, tomorrow we will have the last lecture before the exam. So, I will get another overview I asked tons of questions, but they are only good for reading the code writing is something else and I did not do every exercise. I hate and become quite reluctant to do things that I don't like and I dislike web programming a lot. Same with PHP, I don't really like the language never liked it even in high school. I am more open to it now, since coding itself is fun, yet I want results for now. Otherwise I read an article from calnewport yesterday or today, I will re-read them and re-read them till I am the student that I want to be. I read them in my 10 minute break. I definitely to most things right, it's small stuff that I am doing wrong. For instance not praticing first with the mock exams and then compile a mega problem set. I did my workout today it took me way to long but the breaks are neccessary for this type of exercise it's called contrast exercise. I saw a guy working on the butterfly machine asking for help, they played volleyball and I was curious since he had a six pack and was ripped if I could do the same, since I was doing bench presses with 60kg without counting the pole. I did it quite easily, the gym is not perfect , so I can't see how much weight he tried to lift and therefore I was lifting. I definitely made some progress doing now quite easily 100kg of back squats without counting the pole with 5 repetitions in 4 or 5 sets. So, I feel quite strong my shoulds are getting big and my sprints feel intense. Timer is over more studying for now with the better approach.

I woke up 15 mins earlier, yet my body craves sleep so much from all this studying and working out and I usually don't wind down on time, but I woke up on time. I meditated only for 52 mins today the last 8 minutes lying down with a mudra, like I did when I travled because I was scared that people in China will react weird when a foreigner starts meditating. I notice that the part of my brain that in general the compassion exercises helped dealing with thoughts about annoyance. I feel this part of the brain which I assume is the cerebellum currently so much, it is a hinderance or the devil currently. I don't really like to use the word devil since I grew up partially catholic which is pretty much the worst out of all religions out there, even the aghori sadghus are more consciouss than your average catholic. I also feel a bit vulnerable today but.. brain wise, I feel that consciouness wants me to become consciouss and I feel sad that I am not and unable to care properly because of it.. I am really done with all of this decadence and I hope I can adjust fast to my new wake up time, so I can properly do the stretching exercises which will prepare me for longer sits than 1h and also for yoga. I made a plan for today and will start studying and made myself some green tea. I definitely feel a dislike against americans today, can't tell why, I am a bit annoyed at their decadence when reading comments here. But holy brain my neck and my brain are so annoying currently, I definitely want to do some shadow work around introjection so I get various subpersoanilties out that are useless. Yet, I can't really find the time currently besides in breaks etc. Otherwise, I my wind down ritual works, but I start to late and my sleep is very good but it is not enough currently. Even when I take short naps during the day for 10 mins or so. This is definitely not sustainable and I want one day which I have planned when I restructed everything after the exams where I will relax and do what I want more and actually plan it and not saying it only mentally.

So, now the journal... I will set a timer and grab some food. I rest my timer to go to bed by 15min and defnitely missed my last study session therefore I am unable to finish exercise 7 I finished 6 today and 6 is based on 7. So about today: I fking love honey. ... I have a sweetooth, yet I somehow don't become ravenous during the night. 3 study sessions in the morning 2 / 1/2 in the afternoon 2 in the evening So, amounting to 7 / 10 planned It's still fine. I assume I am well using my time rahter well, with tiny amount of to many breaks. Tomorrow I will have another "exam" preperation aka the last exercise and I am at 7 out of 12 so far, I will write the test on monday and I am also working on the project I have to present on wednesday. But I am still not making any good progress I spent 2h30 again today trying to find a solution of how I can use the concepts of his retard script. The internet helps somehow I found an example from tutorialspoint even, but somehow it does not work. I can try it again and see if I did a mistake. Otherwise I studied for 375 mintutes = 6h of studying I would say since the last round I dabbled around it was 5h worth the other session where quite intense and in my work out I could restructure three pages of code, by praticing deep work while working it today. Sprints, warm up and .. burpees.. yyeahyhiyiyi I did not finish the burpes at the end and please don't project toxictity that was a happy yeahiyiiyiyy and now it's toxic. So, I did 10x 20x20 sprints with 10 burpees at the end and 60 second break. So I did 100 burpess with sprints in total (400m). I burpee looses 14 calories so, I lost 140 burpees solely today by doing 100 of them. I also had to throw away my food since leaving curry in the pot causes bacteria to grow and the american healthy association or so recommends to throw it even away after 2h, which is just a precautionary measurement from them. I talked with my bf about working out, he tested the workout from russle westbrook and I had to laugh why he tests a workout from a pro-athelete so freely, he said he was done, doing single legged deadlifts I was like TH are you doing. I love it we have a lot of fun acting like americans because I am one. He is half croatian, half german. And one of the few people I am currently fortunate to call my friend. Since I kicked the other two out of my life, I also like his gf very very much. She explains greek mythology to me and is an ENFJ he is an ISTJ, they both took the test and he scored ISFJ I told him no lol ! He is istj they both took the horrendous test form 16 personalities.com, he read the istj and they both know it's relative. Yet, his relationship is quite healthy and I am happy for them from what I can tell. We can talk about stuff like extroverted and introverted animes, uni, avengers etc. Yet, the two friends who I kicked out where part of the group he moved to another city and we lost contact, I always fking always and again fking always make time to reach out to friends or spam them with hours of stickers on whatsapp while I sit on the toilett and take a dump. This is also the main reason or one of many why I kicked them out, they never take the initative to do something and cry and give a bad collective name to the group, are complacent yes it's a rant, have toxic relationships more or less, can't seem to get out of their situation and don't take care of health. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY they both don't want to actualize. This is what bothers me the most they want a mediocore life. I never ever wanted this I don't care if I have to do a fking doctors and become a professor to earn more than the average. Why ? Because first of all I want to provide myself with financial freedom, and also give my mom some financial support and care for her when she becomes old, we now have the same situation with my grandma and my mother is not necessarily financially fluid, my aunt supports her, but only financially, she seldom comes by but she also did not like my grandma very much. I did not like her neither and I said horrendous things, yet she is also basically the reason why I want to self-actualize and why I am also willing to go through some extrems or unconvetional pathways. She sat infront of the TV (if you ever heard to story of fightmediocrity on youtube it's a bit similar but not ... poverty driven, I have to say this because germans are dumb) for 15 years and did nothing besides cleaning the house, go for an ice, watch tv again, complain x, complain z, annoy me because she is bored. Like hell. I can understand but she was so averse to meeting new people because she was quite stubborn but also so lively, I can't understand I blame vulnerability for now... She seems like an ambiverted ESFP, but with the generation difference it is difficult to tell. My mom is ESTJ my aunt INFJ, fahter I assume ENFJ or INFJ. So, at home being surrended with types that don't get me it was sooooo boring and I felt often that my intellect and curiostity was supressed because I knew more than my grandma and stupid shit like that. Now I am definitely going overboard. I am a bit annyoed at my apparent non-inherent verbosity of this text. I noticed this when I read a book on the side, but fine. People can't even speak proper english here I am happy when I am done with this region, nature nice, people are absolute horseshit, the collective unconsciouness stuff that I have to think and others think also!!! I observed is just absurd. I rather see myself as a lumberjack when nature and forests are so present here, instead of some proll. Like the fat guy who needed to feel intimidated because I looked at 3 ! people walking past me with all my belonings around because I worked out outside. But now he has to feel threatend and speak in a proll voice and make the "athelete" look dumb, did he ever watch olympia ?? There is no niveau in this university and sometime just pure hitlery. I definitely already wished I had a baseball bat. Just to smack some hilter kids out of the ball park. *WHACK* ! Gone.

@Chi_ Still, legal so far what I found the listing is from 2016. From the "NeuePsychoAktiveSubstanzenGesezt" I just read the new draft of it which they made in march 2019, but it has not yet been promulgated. So, to my knowledge base it is still legal rather not controlled and therefore a grey area. They listed it on the new draft or rather the chemical compounds. 1P-BLSD already seems to be the alternative apparently, but no idea. You can read the draft on psychonaut wiki. Or check the wiki about the law. I just did 40 mins ago or so. Or when did they ban it in Germany ?

@outlandish I'll have to check I am not at home lol and won't be for a while I am at the students dorm. I really can't remember potentially it also was ALD-52 I am quite sure I wrote a post here where I listed everything that I tested, in 2017 / 18. I'll look it up, when I getting my hands on something. It's a bit more tricky now and they want to release a new law for this here in Germany listing 1P-LSD they already produced 1B-PLSD or so to counteract the law enfrocements in Switzerland and Belgium. I am spending to much time lol, I just wanted to write in my dumb journal and now I am here for 40 min. lol! I've got you if I'll check when I am back home next week and write you a pm.

@outlandish Lol, I googled everything that was legal here. It is difficult to make distinctions I can't remember unfortunately . 1P-LSD and AL-LAD is what I tried the most some seller had a combination pack so I bought it. I can't tell the difference. I just checked and it is quite difficult to obtain lol. I did not know that. Would love to tell you but, I can't recall. I know the seller had a bundle and once even a discount which was a surprise. It was in there I would not have gotten my hands on it otherwise. It's been almost two years now, so I really do not remember it was definitely not as impactful as 1P-LSD for me most likely similar to AL-LAD or ETH-LAD. If I try it again, I'll let you know and will write a trip-report.

@Chi_ https://www.reagent-tests.uk/blog/1p-lsd-ehrlich-reaction/ I found this so far. I usually trusted the seller and the reviews... It was also a time where I was much into anarchism or anarchosyndicalism. So.. I was a bit reckless, yet my "excuse" was I trust people. Before I write more I'll leave it as it is.

I have approx 4min till the site will be blocked. I am eating breakfast and want to wake up 15 min earlier... Now, I will plan my day and study for most the the time and implement the procedure I listed yesterday. Otherwise I am not very happy with my progress in meditation. My brain is annyoing it feels as if it does not want to quiet down, for instance when I curse mentally or be verbally aggressiv mentally, I use the lable hear flow which calms it down so fast it's quite effective I found this out the last two or three weeks or so, after reading the script from Shinzen Young again. Not there is no subtle stirring there anymore, but heavy tiny mailstorm stirring again... I hope this is not kriya and I'll go full cult again. Even if ... it's fine it's not like I was not able to controll it very well, yet it would be nice if somebody would be nearby and tell me that all of this is normal and can happen. So, I don't feel like a nut case. I want to still do 3 retreats this year so timr

@Chi_ It's a prodrug as far as I know and turns into LSD inside the body the chemincal components are difficult to distinguish, I also think they are both part of the lysergamid family. I did not read much into LSD because it is illegal and I was a bit worried that I will be persecuted by the police or anything like that. I definitely recommend a drug testing kit. I tested AL-LAD, ETH-LAD, Pro-LAD and 1P-LSD I recommend to buy a drug testing kit again. 1P-LSD was the most intense for me although ETH-LAD has a description of being more vivid and powerful than LSD. You can check psychonaut wiki. or erowid. Yet, AL-Lad is still one of my favorite it's very friendly somehow 1P-LSD felt a bit more like a heavy hitter and was not as smooth a bit more raw. It's been a year since I've taken psychdelics so I had time to reflect a bit on this. I don't think it will be that much different every trip with a different substance can be different, or with the same substance. I never tried LSD because of the legality status in my country so I can't give perspective there.