ValiantSalvatore

90% of the time I opend a journal somehow someone liked it. I vented a lot more stuff and I just see some patterns that are just not explainable. I've found and listend to some of the dirty, the yellow pill I'll call it as it's more hardcore, some redpill&bullpill distinctions and some gamers, who are quiet serious. Through the last two weeks of shadow work I've gained more clarity, although I'd like to keep these journal briefer. I used to get my needs meet online, I know that without my doing a lot of distabillity has been caused. I loved to share success with people who love to enjoy it with me, yet I've noticed this pattern of disrespect. For a quick review, I've also been more aware of the issues of social contagion, and how I am contributing (that is not new), yet many do not realize how much hope I bring and others simply get jealous. I've been more social as of lately, and I've found mindsets that help me. My game is getting slightly better online, offline also and I've drawn clearer distinctions. I am more aware of pitfalls in the bias of the teaching because of this hope fabric, I am pretty difficult to fool, yet naive at times. It's been an eye-opener to see how empathy is recommended from hardcore gamers, and to think and empathize with women, I noticed how through this military stuff, I've had this blue pill alpha mindset partially installed in me, that I would not have recognized would it not have been for the audiobook I am listening to. I figure to write briefer posts of improvements mostly, metaphysical insights I was working to build that scaffold what broke me I think was not trusting the few connections I had online as I was utterly despised and still am with the human idea of "racism" it's not easy to get it out of me and I notice it everyday that it's mostly status. I notice some patterns that have not been as obvious to me before, yet I am not letting people anymore in my life who disrespect me and I can't have any respect for. That is detrimental to stuff, that means also very close and old friends. The new friends all respect me and help me. The point simply is I notice how much frame matters, and I never cared so that is a frame also. I have a new date on wednesday, I would most likely be swimming in dates, in a larger city as would have more valor. I checked out a pretty hot chick at the gym she enjoyed it moved down her groins, and I presume the 1-3 months of the shadow work integration is happening from sexual shaming, and the military blue pill stuff. It's insane how dumb men are as a collective, I am glad at times to not consider me human, to not fall for all of this folley, be it superhuman, alien etc. I've checked out OkCupid I do think I resonate internally with liberal degenerates as Heartise tells? Would show. It legit opend my mind and that has been a long time, it either has been jailbroken by DMT, and not upgraded by LSD. I see how the lessons over the past year are beign included and I am making more improvements. Principles do take time, it just takes time to hone them. The point is the dig deeper into the abillity to solve problems and see logic mostly as a form of masculine energy. It has been hijacked by my mother for some reason. A lot of emotional damage has been done by my mother the father issues are more collective and this subtle disrespect here, is also an issue. That is mostly it, there is a lot of bitterness thanks to having and sorry for saying this bitter women in my life who project their stuff upon me at times! Not always, and it's socially not allowed to call women bitter, bitter cat ladies etc. It's interesting stuff to contemplate about. I notice other attraction patterns and why I'll kick some stuff of my love map. I was serious about growth and I realized how my mother was correct with material stuff, often it is status that is the relevant issue. --- I'll leave this open after gym sessions, there is still a lot of hatred harbored in my heart against the pig mentality? Of society and I might have hurted some people, yet I did not really intend to I was so lost and mostly only one person I've found believed in me, and that felt very well. Which was my old psychologist. I will never again say no to a synchrodestiny type of experience and synchronicities. As well as conscious moment that surpass my understanding. As well as text and write to more liberal women at times. I do enjoy the flat hierachy and I know why I dislike some stuff, and why I wanted to be a linchpin. I noticed how much I missed this stuff when I was 12-16 years old, as I just did not have any books and or other tools. As well as to many bitter women, I would not date a women ever who disrespects men. I love feminism, I love feminists, I don't enjoy disrespect. I am very respectful usually, to respectful where I see the pain of having to be disrespectful at times. I notice I feel healing, and get utterly into growth when I listen to this frequency, I did this also in China and the flow kinks out all shadow energies without disrespecting the current breathwork hype. The point is perfection notices.... I do notice.... that is what I mean. Posting only on gym days, for dating insights and reflections, trips and at very conscious and very dark moments, if the pull is to heavy for any reason (I did stuff you'd act to much of proud like and I cringe). I quiet. I am working in recovery. Copy-cats be copy-cats I will close down stuff, if I see any copying. This is a lecture. If I see non-originiality I will close this journal, stop all ideas. Remember in America thanks to your work and projections, I am the law. I notice I can integrate the horny dog. I don't enjoy disrespect at all.

Again I appreciate your advice and energy. Also if you seriously have a mental illness I would appreciate it if you stop engaging with me, I don't do well with these type of people for my own sake. I warn you and I will simply block & mute you, I don't have space for this. I found my answer through some feedback, and it's quiet simple to have a stronger sense of reality. @hyruga comment certainly helped me to figure that out, so again thanks to him and Leo's video about gaslighting.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corruption_Perceptions_Index United states become worse after this index and trump came into office.

I listend to the part to attract girls from Leo & how to get laid. Next week we have a whole week off. I could do all of this more enjoyably and effectively. Use the computer the apps mess with my head completely. As well as pick a day to purchase some new clothes etc. I'll also should feel a stronger pull to wake up I still have internal ressistance at blue etc. I will code now and continue with my plan etc. Time is certainly not running away and to stop racing against the time is good. The point is there are many deeper contemplations I'd like to do, yet even with a degree I have to see and talk to so many people This is also good. I did not see that to admit mistakes is high self-esteem, as I continously do, sigh... I definitely could hit up my friend yu more. The guy has the same issue as me like we both care about our face and fascade in a sense. I generally get along better with asian guys & girls for talking & taking action. I don't enjoy how hypocritical many "white guys" are as they manipulate and skew things heavily in their favour without noticing it socially. It's very obvious so I enjoy talking with asian guys & girls as they see the same thing often, yet nobody of them talks about it, as they only have a black heart. Yet not a thick face. Many are not good at projecting an image. Anyway this was a brief exchange. High self-esteem more likely to record interesting ideas and cultivate them, they value the productions of their mind. Low self-esteem won’t even record them Self-esteem flows with reality, self-doubt fights it Willingness to admit mistakes Innovators/entrepreneurs need high self-esteem to move away from comfort to explore ideas High self-esteem seeks challenging goals The higher our self-esteem the more honest and appropriate our communications are likely to be, as we believe our thoughts have value and we can communicate not fearing clarity We feel most at home with peoples whose self-esteem resembles our own Use Tinder online & Bumble on PC when you start again Buy new clothes Push career in anyway you can see and seem possible Join the camera thingy on discord Use the PC for all apps possible the phone messes with my head at one point Re-focus on career & consciouness I have one girl left in my pool of 3 possible girls this week (I'll boost my bumble weekly once, as I bought a lifetime option) Generally stay away from doubters -> move away from comfort I generally set challenging goals at times to challenging. I have new insights and can get new feedback. There are billions of micro mistakes I see where others would be oblivious and just up their status. I also can copy some gifs from a funny girl in this chat for chats as she was the same humour, yet simply is more intelligent and in tune with our culture, the humour gives me access. I am doing shadow work then meditate shower & then simply study and get the best old self back that was there and is lingering and focus on the new self emerging. I should not have invested in Crypto without flipping and seeing hot trends and to gamble etc. Also stay away from people where I notice mental health is draining. I'd like to embrace the full me. The point is appreciating basics. I feel fear changing values I look at the value section again and might change some stuff out completely such as honesty & personal growth and put in exellence & mastery. This is better for me as a human. I love to be an expert.... at blue etc.

Thanks, no I attract them all the time the issue is social situations and going for a number etc. Girls are turned on often even when they have a boyfriend as I focus a lot on acting more masculine, indifferent and alpha instead of nice. I just need a couple of relationships with guy&girls a like to break free and listen to the advice to one player I meet, as he is more interested in getting a girlfriend, yet might be stuck in consciouness work. The point is ever since I solidly hit teal in SD I have a lot of power in social situations I just lack stabillity with friendships and consistency to not burn out, as well as a place where there are more attractive girls. Actually you just gave me more ideas on how to fix things, nothing is lost and I overreacted most likely as this girl (2 time) called me a sexist for saying to her. Girls from xxx are very shy. I could not believe it. I was slightly triggered by this and do shadow work around this now I don't enjoy attracting girls who have trauma etc. etc.. I deleted all apps and focus on networking via a career, usually people enjoy having me with them. As I am chill & high energy. Thanks for just responding I get plenty of ideas even when stuff is wrong and people project. I did not think as far, as to move regions again after just beign here for 1 year, as I don't enjoy it. So that gives me more internal self-motivation for studies and pushing career. Thank you again!

Mostly the core of my issue are multiple things here is a concise list: as well as paragraph that creates an oversight. Beign to nice and not knowing how to fix is as I get the opposite projection and I am very masculine The issue of having a life purpose that feels to weak as I incured plenty of looses during the path lacking internal strength The amount of isolation and negative experiences I made with Germans as to their egaliterian hypergamy perspective and discrimination and then framing it on me etc. The inability of some girls to realize they have a discriminating attitude To consistently do stuff alone to much and not finding friends with similar interest to meet girls The mental challenge of the injury and the social power loss of it, often me beign forced in some manner to speak about it The notion of especially "intellectual" type girls to be discriminating bias on notions of mechanistic survival and reproduction without noticing it especially if they are liberal and abusing politics without empathy, just playing power dynamics Not finding the inner strength anymore to attract girls with my true vision, as a lot of this stuff is against society The level of pragmatism and expert bias, generally also projection and glee type of humour I don't deal well with it Inabillity to meet women consistently outside of apps (I do get matches I could have put some effort into meeting 3 girls for example this week) The issue of having lost high quality men aspects, such as strength & compassion I feel physically absolutely battered. My social circle now beign mostly computer guys who are socially very manipulaitve & status oriented without them noticing I fundamentally don't feel like my life purpose is helping me to get girls, as well as the amount of isolation now due to injury I don't know how to fix this and my age as well as success has been bothering me for a while and I can't get rid of these notions I am heavily disappointed at myself, and I could only do so much. When I act more vulnerable I feel utterly abused by girls and I shut down as I would most likely loose it at one point, I can only give a little with people I trust that helps. The level of process orientation and just continuing is at times to much, as I don't enjoy a lot of things anymore and can't build the adventurous sporty lifestyle that I yearned for and worked for. I am just massively dejected at times, and I don't enjoy the level of development of most college students, this is mostly internal and despite all efforts I dunno how to change it. I just don't enjoy existing at times anymore, I know it's heavy/odd to say this I don't enjoy beign human a lot. I don't like it. I did psychotherapy and worked with multiple one even if only briefly Experiemented with psychedelics Exercise & mindfulness meditation healthy eating Going to networking events making some new friends I do shadow work now actively currently even on this plattform Generally calling people if I don't feel well. Having most solutions, yet lacking social support that I can enjoy most simply don't care anymore Asked friends & family for support etc.

I don't really believe you realize how serious this is, it feels like I am talking to a kid. I enjoy the conscious attention I can give to myself, the issue is I am a biological creature with cravings that I also take care of. The point is the solutions I have a rather alternatives and many are like sure go ahead, and I don't like the consistent risk I found some people who can give me solid advice, yet you can see for yourself where you find that. The whole topic was about a life purpose,weakness niceness and an egaliterian society and how that dynamic plays out. If I would give you the simplistic solution it would be the shit I am already doing. So I don't even need to worry. I generally do this I did not have the best relationship to security and many see me as security which is an issue. I just don't know how to work at this and beign alone and not writting these posts is worse at times than just completely isolating myself that is absolutely toxic as hell. I also don't believe we act from a fundamental level where we would could have a mutual understanding with out me feeling like you remind me of someone I truely dislike for his attitude and pragmatism frame. I generally stopped in "real life"........................... to justify myself I do seek reassurance at times and this is normal to some level, I don't call my friends late at night etc. or stuff like this etc. etc. I am mostly concerned by the level of isolation and interaction and loosing of friends I incured. I don't feel concerned if you're interested in feedback maybe 5% it's more feedback and food for thought. Anyway, we don't resonate I am sure of it. I appreciate your energy though.

I would appreciate it if you have a serious mental ilness to leave out far-off diagnosis. I don't have anything and worked with a licensed psychologist it's fundamentally anger and frustration I have an issue and self-control and some subtle notions within that. Yes, I fear dying as I would actually kill myself imagine I do have fear as I have stuff to loose and I generally hold on to live. I am completely anit-authority and a rebel by heart. I can at times feel powerless, so does everyone the point is having a stronger sense of reality. As they steadily test you if you fit within the group etc. etc. The point is 90% of the time I am the authority I only am agreeable with people that I enjoy beign with, especially offline otherwise I am not very submissive to authority. I am very aware of who I give authority and can take that back within seconds, it's mostly social pressures and group dynamics I can struggle with if people seek to much reassurance I can't provide this. Etc. I take what you say with a grain of salt, as you see my social skills and perceptive is so canny then that I don't even need to talk and this was also partially in this Dr. Tians podcast that raze posted. I appreciate your response, some stuff is good, I enjoy beign resonable and not rational and I enjoy beign produtive a fking lot. I just don't enjoy socities notion about various things and projections, and it feels like an extra pressure and talking point etc. I most likely almost died at birth, yet I can't recall anymore if that info is correct, because I was operated at birth and or could have died, so I subconsciously stop often it's way to deep to touch this also and I would really need an extremely good therapist as there is fundamentally subtle pain in every breath and sometimes people misinterpret my body language, while I just need a short break and or do this to relieve pain, when I walked a long distance etc. They also steadily sense something is off, yet my nervous system is also most likely because of this more alert. Is the scar is huge from the operation etc. etc. That is the irony I get every authority and hence responsibility and the blame, also I don't do well with that as a rebel you see? I like generally holistic teams, yet they don't exist. The best I get is a flat hierachy and if I am lucky someone who acts & thinks holistically with me etc.

My social skills are abnormally good, in a sense as I can go deep with people quickly, all the deeper PD and spiritual work and generally my personality just made me more immune to this I have been going out since I was 14 as it was common, the point is I need a bit more of advanced social skills and specifically to get girls I am also introverted so stuff can get stale, yet I am also a guy who can entertain a whole table on his own, if I vibe with the crowd. Yeah I notice yet I worked and put a lot of emphasis on psychology, yet I had also such deep insights I just notice how subtle all of these frames are and how heavy I feel I am beign drilled to be a reproductive drone & or a cold hearted mercenary. I can be to much at times, and can invite myself to high stakeholder places in a sense and they take care of me etc. The issue is having had others who put my social skills down and asking my unskilled social skill type questions like, why are you looking at me? Why are you so quiet? Stuff like this where I feel perplexed at times what to do and how basic it can be and enjoyable. Like talking about cats & dogs and what color her dress is for example. Because I have character etc. I tend to dominate a lot emotionally. When I went and did game the coach complimented me on how well I did, the issue is to be so isolated that I have to do this on my own, and it's not like I am doing game, it's like I am beign just a social animal that is alone with other social animals etc. When I do what I enjoy doing I talk the whole fking time as I find others information content so boring, yet when I work on goals it becomes different.

I finished my studies last year and had the same mindset, yet a lot of stuff came together I am doing a masters degree now as I was more interested in this and I notice how competitive my region is because it has an exellence cluster, so a lot of hot girls with masters degree, yet they basically want to see that in your profile or some other traits etc. I am also becoming 30 next year this year 29 I did not have a very smooth pathway to this and notice so many mistakes, the point is I feel so different and I have difficulties after 2 deaths within my family to reconcile these wounds, and a serious diagnosis on how I coped with all of this. I don't enjoy most likely even biologically how much status I lost, and that there is not much I can do and girls that are acting likes animals and I notice how heavy the notion of evolution is imprinted in a scientific paradigm and to pro-create. You're correct that I am not happy, yet I notice everday how much brainwashing went into me, and how I find no one to talk about this. The point is the story of my life is everything that I ever enjoyed was either taken from me and or denied by enviroment and or shamed like a lot I could make plenty of lists, and I find strength in healthy social groups, yet all they talk about is girls and business and are bad at it and barely take any action, so they just work and isolate themselves. Things I have been shamed for for example and were taken from me or I had to do completely on my own. Interest in science & everything academically focused as my mother did not care about this stuff Masculinity and beign pititied and stereotyped for beign black and not having had a father with this "player" idea etc. My passion & interest in music as I was in music school & my mother and father were unabel to reconcile giving me a drum kit, and bringing that passion closer to me as I really loved this. Generally the connection to smth. that was masculine to me. Stability and not having it beign seen as broken & unwhole even if I never saw it that way To much "nazi-feminist type" of thinking of beign forced to respect girls and to be neutral and blue pill alpha ideas as I was kind and nice from my aunt and mother at times, as if I would not respect girls themselves and it would need to be forced to me, as I seem OHHH dangerous!! Look it's tall and dark these type of notions. My abillity to exercise now due to injury For beign depressed I am supposed to be naturally happy facing discrimination the whole day in school and when I talked at home about it there is a completey misunderstanding and just saying. Yep it is how it is better learn to deal with it and constantly having to ignore and isolate so many people, it's disgusting the level of how much I need to pull this of at times, as they make "race" such a thing if you're a tiny bit mixed and ethnicity debates etc. It gives them an excuse to talk about evolution and their own ideas about it. Interests in language entire class of french in uni dropped due to lack of interest of students (again alone isolated having to do things on my own) Loosing all friends due to personal development work giving my best to convince them, yet they all cared for material and money and holidays, which I did not enjoy as much. I was more interested in becoming the best version of what I could be. I was shamed for sexuality and beign black, and why I did not fuck that many girls and have a big dick Practicality and work ethic I have the highest achievment of degree (besides my best friends girlfriend) from my old friend group and direct family, and they shamed me for not going out making money and beign pratical. Intelligence and the idea of intelligence having to be practical and making money and basing everything on merit and giving me a lot of competitive vibes and yeah beat em fuck em up type of thinking, go win for us. I don't like my family and old region etc. Other things, yet this should give a picture. I was completely left alone, when I mentioned I struggle mentally when my grandma died.etc. etc. etc. I changed a lot because of this and even before this I lived & worked in China and was "acing" my studies I was just pretty good. there is more etc. For example my old psychotherapist wanted to diagnose me for giftedness, yet I don't have the status as well as even then the "natural" intelligence to back it up, I don't also look particularly intelligent just masculine. I did the same, yet I had to much going on and did my best to find solutions, people continue to help me I just don't enjoy living with humans at times and humanity I don't find healthy men groups anymore as I can't join any ballsports activites and exercise is what kept me the most mentally healthy and sane. To ignore this, as girls find me daily attractive I just don't find a girl that I resonate with currently the one that resonated I noticed the age-gap, and I had so many revealing things to me. The point is the level of neglect of my parents is daily topic I don't know how to deal with well. I meet a lot of cool people and I feel empty if they don't have a little bit of uniquness to them, and I miss very good connections. My life purpose also includes moving to the U.S for a long time, and I have a citizenship I find it heavy for how much it's taken for granted and how the sense of reality that I have has been shattered so many times, I stopped caring at one point about stuff as most of my dreams simply have been denied and I had massive panic around stuff that I could not work well with, as stuff just accumulated to fast. Way to fking fast. I can't digest it till today properly I feel like I am beign groomed into an reproductive bot and I don't enjoy this notion. I can't do any of the things I dreamed of physically anymore. As I was extremely fit and motivated in this area to work and create smth. now I just don't have that edge anymore. At times I don't know how to cope, what to do where to find friends who are more interested in the samethings, as I just again worked for this change. I lost a lot of joy for life which I gained from jogging & sprinting beign in nature etc. It's not the same anymore I can't kid myself it's like saying cancer would not affect someones emotional state etc. As well as the power loss I incured with this and what many about me appreciated it's like I have to double down on my coures of action and still endure the current isolation. I had so many friends when I was succesful in uni it bothered me I was the hip cool guy etc. I don't know how much my degree is worth as it was integrative and included multiple aspects, I applied to things I am interested in, yet just have been declined the stuff what I built is not enough etc. I worked also immensely before this to change myself. Dude legit even with 16-14 is all I wanted is a normal pretty girlfriend and a somewhat norma life, yet I never really felt I had the chance. I lived also toxic and changed this. I dunno...I changed and gave this a chance there are so many options, yet I have to deal with so many setbacks and the path I choose with A.I engineering is not easy. and again I had this vision when I was 14-16, yet I just did not know it existed to work upon... so I applied myself late in this area...even in a hotspot, the irony of this etc. Is insane. Potential for music -> denied -> even having VGP.... Potential for science and interest -> not nutured Potential for athletic success -> I declined as I liked academia more -> now denied due to injury after having a massive urge to life a healthy life and do fitness etc. (I do it now, yet it's not as athletic anymore) I just never could endure the pain for to long and social pressures and it still get's to me today. I just can't find silver-linings after silverlinings and other patterns like having massive panic before breakthroughs are getting to me. Also at times just simply even beauty and not having attractive girls in my major etc. I am just out of dating I get good advice from someone who can help me to navigate Germany more clearly even as a German I dunno if it is my American genetics, yet I resent this country utterly at an level for beign so neutral and rational it's discriminating and the egaliterian crew is also just not what it is. I just somehow find mostly extremely high IQ people with whom I get along, and who act more like friends, yet they suck socially. Or I get extremely high IQ social people who are running a business and are succesful with girls, yet they barely have time & only help online.

I don't meditate today, because I drank some wine and listen to some Leo videos as I am out of the group and build the portfolio. I listend to the gaslighting episode, it's better to integrate my reality with shadow work and continue with the mindfulness. The point is it's all about success in my reality to a great level, and many are pulling me down by not seeing how important success to me is. Character does not get you success. That is rare. I fear the truth that I am unable to create stuff on my own it scares me the level of independence I need to have etc.

The point is I enjoy all of these concepts and ideas and besides meeting girls I am working on these areas. I can't go to hip-hop classes due to injury. I notice other notice and I loose status and everything is focused on ressources, intelligence, charm and power and simply masculine energy I don't enjoy how often growth has been taken for me and it really messes with mental health The entire topic of mental health is an issue of itself as I get discluded and they presume higher energy etc. I find it also difficult with the notion of egalterian stuff and white academic girls I find it tricky to express my personality, they don't realize their level of discrimination and act extremely sensetivy and like a type of nazi police at times, I don't even know how to date this, as they subtely abuse power and I notice this and find it appaling some of them. I made so many changes I am just confused as I did so much work, I have no idea where I stand as a lot of human identity is derived from them over who they are at work and I am just a student currently looking for a working student position, to consistently think oh I have no value etc. I am unsure if I express my personality I am to nice, learning to become a player I feel like becoming extremely toxic and like Andrew Tate as these subtle manipulations at times above. I just find it hard to see how fked the dating situation is for a 20 year old guy and everything is about work and providing the whole time. What I just notice is how hierachy and scientific thinking and socialism are very toxic. There was one video showing dating in your 30's can be awesome I dunno I don't feel well socially as a lot of activites are just not in my natural habtitat of masculine energy.... I did so much pd, and still I am so lost I don't enjoy how heavy girls project the provider frame onto me and beign elite etc. As well as how heavy this blends into a professional live etc. and the guilt trip to work harder etc, then various stereotypes with Germans, I checked multiple psychologist they don't work on multiple notions that are important and fundamentally all have the same insight, move your body and exercise get out anger etc. As well as I move inside etc. The point is I've been shamed for personality traits I'd naturally have out of this meritocracy idea, and indepedent single type girl stuff, and a lot rub this off, as my nervous system is simply affected by it. I can't explain otherwise. As well as my social skills are also only asking about work related stuff, getting into my body involves a lot of pain I have no idea how to meet without just beign physical 90% of the time. Many are worse and I never had to fortunate opportunity to meet girls in groups, as I reject a lot the provider notion and status etc. Just by what I enjoy in types of music etc. I dunno if I should just push my career and be on this "sigma grind" as I don't enjoy human activity a lot of times anymore, I know it's a bit toxic, yet I really value excellence at a level of freedom&autonomey I thought about replacing the value even entirely. The point for me is dependabillity and power are projections I consistently get, and other wish and I don't enjoy this to much, unsure what to do as a lot of girls are extremely toxic themselves and up their value through subtle manipulations of acting egaliterian while they missuse power to gain mates and somehow I attract these types, as my identity is unique in itself, they just come and expect some super authenticity I only get with extremely open and vulnerable people who notice how they contribute to discrimination or experienced a lot of it also. It's also mostly asian girls and guys I get a deeper personality type of connection, yet the "white power dynamic" is often very obvious when I don't use "beauty & strength" in a way. I dunno I did so many things, I focus on creating more work type relationships and connections I can't assess my personality properly even with billions amounts of work I find it heavy how backwards seeming "forward thinking" people are. Anyway thanks.... the podcast was quiet good from Dr.Tian I enjoy the guy, yet I notice for me everytime without having asian friends to a level I am fking lost. I don't know why, as well as many are not that open and the balance and egaltieran thinking is an extrem issue I don't know how to overcome as I don't benefit as much as many believe from egalterian type thinking. It just gives me some access. I dunno anyway...

Last two girls before I go revisit some stuff, and upgrade I am not really manifesting and I am not applying the game directly I am beign unsocial and uncalibrated in a sense instead of fun chill and aloof and to judgemental. It still feels as though I am not exactly where I am at, and I don't know exactly what to do and I could have simply to much negative energy, if I get into a space where I have more fun I get more girls and social stuff alike, the issue is the subtle mechanisms of hypergamy as well as how ridiculously good these people are and to many opinions. --- I just re-focus on myself and delete alll apps and use career networking to be social and create some stuff and ask some questions....

Let's see I killed the vine, I do have to take pratical measures and upload stuff I lost a lot of intellectual drive because of arrogance and I don't find similar visionaries they also don't care. They just do mostly. I definitely get matches, yet I just have to take new pictures & stuff, main issue beign just having more girls as soon as I get one match I loose all interest in game & stuff. I'll see what happens I just leave it for now a bit, this is the last post as the holiday ended. I am not very happy where I am at, and generally without deep conscious experience.... every retreat I took made me 15-20x happier than doing game etc. The point is doing stuff consciously the group is annoying with it's evolutionary purposes, yet it's so rampant somehow I attract also mostly the opposite of this. So I'll use some techniques and leave out the toxic stuff. If our whole goal is to reproduce you might as well just finally end me, this is the stupidest notion I have ever encountered, yet I can't deny survival. I don't get much joy out of intellectualism, I don't feel like they would take me seriously here, as they lack "philosophy", they are just workers. I am sleeping gn8... Hope the plan will workout... and I am out of this mostly.

Endless arms race in a sense...it's impossible it's better tha the u.s and european "higher developemt countries" have the aptitude to use the technology, and set an example for good so others won't blindlessly follow, yet China is going insane I dunno they created an artifical sun apparently. The question is will machines govern us at one point and will we become machines? I dunno how far a single evolutionary algorithm could go. As well as how much behaviour freedom an A.I has if it uses neural networks and "millions" of algorithms that optimize solutions. I feel it's just panic unneccsarily and unfortunately an neccessary means to create this. Someone needs to have power. There should definitely be defense mechanism, yet I am also not apt to talk about this and we barely do, no one ever did so far what surprises me besides at the worser university where I was at, they talked all about the potential dangers I dunno why.

I am the only one who is in my way, I fall back to this security seeking pattern. I never thought about creating security through my own efforts by instantiating myself into some industry or art of work. I will just do that more and create this portfolio ...I feel scammed by taking courses I was unable to finish etc. and the offers etc. Yeah I did not know this as they were all focused to have that one good project....art shows you differently usually... so I am surprised by how practicallity can be in my way... yet I am in my own way currently. This is what I did not realize, I just do this also as a social reward and networking I might delete all dating apps also it's horrible atm. This popped up I never watched this. I just notice how badly badly I need to this the art of seduction etc. Also these algorithms are not in my favour and these girls just yearn for kids in their dating profile, and nobody is going to practically give it to them, as they take it for granted and guys also want more than the average stuff. It's insane travel is most likely the most common denominator. I am out of all dating apps if this one also does not reply and just foucs on creating social rewards via networking on Linkedin & Insta and just jerk off etc. The pictures are also now to old to use them properly I could have had 3 dates, so I can't complain yet it's not the kind of girls I'd like to have. I hope the new training plan will do the trick etc. I just upload everything I see when an invidiual not a robot looks at my profile all of this would have been worth it, If many would not subtely guilt shame and legit build character even the girls perspective is correct the issue is charcter is also not there to pro-create only it's so harsh to see this when a girl reaches her thirties I will cry a lot when my mother is gone, as she is a good human at blue etc. yet she just lacks higher development it's unfortunate to see I made her laugh also again with my rascal identity and it's a good feeling to say this stuff, yet I have to make exaggerated self-references I love this. This level of narccism is also fun. I am out and will upload everything I learn etc & focus on beign social instead of online stuff. I made my current research.

This definitely is the best I can do and I might pay for some courses to do it on the side, I looked up what is worth it and I have a track of a certificate, yet I definitely have to talk about the career thing 100%.

All in all despite all mistakes I am doing well. In some manner, the point is developing and putting a bomb linkedin and online portfolio I was training so hard for "not only online-dating", yet spiritual growth etc. I was mildly at a coral type experience it felt like a mild psychdelic to do this and get out the sort of "anger&hatred" and digest it internally and through external matters. If I get to it I do a shaow work session I will now code etc... Given my personality I should be able to attract some stuff, I jsut have to put in the hard work now. *sigh* I dunno what skill I built etc. I hope I can still move to the u.s and finally get laid more... etc. The point is going out and approaching is hard and as a student in IT the plan is totally whack currently I can approach in the tube, while grocery shopping and just online all strategy the whole time.... Social circle is so unskilled it's horrible.

01:48:08 Psychedelics: Therapeutic Breakthroughs & Depression 01:56:37 Combining Psilocybin Therapy & Talk Therapy, Antidepressant Effects I don't know how often I suggested this and they were open to it, just unschooled, it's incredible how far trauma goes if you take 20+ doses of LSD, and do activities you enjoyed as a kid etc. I never heard of the term maladaptive wiring also, *sigh* with a bit more mathematics I could have modled neurons and stuff like this, yet it get's so heavy in survival territory and I did not have a proper opportunity my hometown is actually fking excellent, I just messed up tremendously and the panic & shame scolding of Germans could be a topic, like you grew up in the south of the u.s. I'll code now on the course etc. Enact the vision etc. *sigh* I wish I would have had the power, yet everything was fking closed that helped me. Thanks to covid. I'll drink the last coffee & code then do mathematics etc. Tomorrow I have a new appointment again for the gym, just with a check-up and some feedback. I wrote to the career service my "old" vision is pratically still alive I just find it tricky to do game, without the orange liberterian stuff as this as masculine energy is dominating the whole planet. I could read more, I'll code read 1h and then code and do mathematics etc. So I post in my insta etc. I certainly chilled a bit to much today and building the whole time is simply better. The gym where I am at, I also basically have a new female friend, so I might party etc. I just have to see and talk her up at one point etc.

The other point is heading deeper into A.I with android and machine learning most likely I found some stuff see how I can apply the uni stuff, my profs had such a good impression of my entrepreneurial nature, the point is I never could apply it to mathematics as it's not good enough and I benefit to much from blueprints, so I have to create this on a budget and see what comes out, it should leave plenty of good impressions. Focus is on data structure and apps, I also had such little confidence in myself thanks to the attitude of my region and this tate like degen vibe. --- Ironically it was the techno people who gave me inspiration and these sounds also just let me focus on crafting while I am not craftign etc. I'll create inner abundance & the life I yearned for currently visualization is to exhausting it causes me to much depression as so much negative shit comes up, I don't know how to visualize even when reading books. The point is MY VISION ARE REAL NOT FANTASY THAT IS THE FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NI & NE PEOPLE I NOTICE EVERYTIME I AM A REALISTIC VISUALIZER AND MANY BENEFIT FROM THIS ALSO, I presume this is NI SE loop generally speaking... Yeah, I will create app in my free time and do mathematics I have new friends and I could schedule and do an idea research and simply create, create and create and create and create and create!!!!!!! I was not able to reach my old dreams physically due to injury and just sheer limits in that manner and happenstance, yet the technology that is there for free I can use this. I was so blind & ignorant and the academic system I grew up in was bad in contrast to what I can get here. That is also an issue with not having enough liberals, and having to much centrist attitudes, the liberals cause some change definitely and they also help me the most every good fking damn time, the centrist just buy time the liberal creates time in that sense. I dunno how to explain & also space. This is it for now. I'll follow my vision and segment and explore to build on a possible even larger vision, the point is the entrepreneurial spirit and personal branding and passion. If I could I would love to do the following: Create techno type music & hip-hop Create app with ml working purely with android making this my nische Create internal abundance and get myself out there with selling Become an even better public speaker I am fking strong I could up verbals I see why philosophy and sophist are powerful Create a digital brand of myself in some manner, with a.i & fitness you fking can't take it out of fking A.I Since the 1970's But sure be silent I can't at times how much you forget when you're intelligent Move to the U.S & generally become an investment master get to know the tools & generate an income, Freedom&Autonomey if I will not choose consciouness as top value NR.1 it's impossible to get what I yearn for without capital These are all things I love at one place Mindfulness coaching and retreats about this to give people clarity and get some friends who are into psyches move to this space more!!! Love still triumphs... to a degree possible vision etc. Consciouness is prio If I could have taken my "liberal upbringing I wish I could have done & be": Pro in a video game & a.i engineer I wish to be able to do this, yet it's insane how much effort it takes etc. I'll have to spin this wheel and trailblaze and find stuff.... As well as work on consciouness with psychdelics I am so fking in new again to set all of this up, the new plan is coming I know what to buy & eat. I have a better structure I have a better place than ever. I have more support than ever I am gone from all old toxic friends and region, I am at a new place where nobody knows me and I notice patterns and symbols I definitely could take up synchrodestiny more! Key issue is sex&money currently to some extend, I just don't know where I can a hot girl with character the two seem incompatible, contray to the unpopular opinion in my old city we had this ironically, as it was frowned upon to not have both, also these were mostly ambiverted types of people. I also don't know to many, so I have to see. Create also a website with a portfolio I might even link this journal to twitter of mine, and just see how far interconnection is possible, look for camera angles for gym sessions etc. Let's see what out works what, specificity or deep concentrative interconnection and having a nische etc. Yoga for now is out without a more structured life. This is fundamentally what I can do and will do I have new friends who also go more into the business connection, and with a tiny bit of muscles and pictures and style I land some good girls, the point is how do I create a conscious place that includes tech & nature & psychdelics? Where also? Mexico?????????? These are als lifestyles and this meritocracy of cricle of lifestyle currenlty is spinningt to much in my head. I'd also forgot why Leo even goes shopping with girls, ever hang-out with a rich kid from a millionar familiy? The dude just went shopping to look for brands and ridiculous investmenet ideas and products to make fun of them with friends and get ideas and talk about ideas, what else did he speak about olympics etc. Gosh I dunno I was blind-sided by do-gooders and lazyness of merit circle lifestyle. I do have to overthink this also etc. I definitely have to creare more ML style apps some stuff is still to hard and I can't fathom how difficult it is, and just do it over and over again etc. The point is I feel partially abused, as I notice how the marketing fking phlegmatic sanguine german hitler penguins ( one coffee to much) are acting like nazi professionals I would kill every presentation they hold, as they don't respect the basics, I forgot how important it is to have humilty with the basics and divine pride in achievement. ---- Also more self-awarness about tendencies and characteristics I thought about strenght finder 2.0 stuff. etc.

I am just focusing on creating now multiple business and ideas, and see what is possible by informing myself as well as reading about sex, I neglected this so fking much you can't believe it. I'll focus and see what I see growing and is not to hot in that sense. Not overvalued & overhyped there should be billions of openings and I definitely have to check-out "popular" & unpopular stuff and generally write down and create a new vision board mine is soooo done there are 3 pictures etc. On there I'd say this is it, it's better to create a business idea I find more like minded people who have an entrepreneurial spirit and this space here si number one I just have to see to not be abused my "ideas" often lead to either unique branding as well as -> hyper -> as well as oh no but here pragmatic and useable, so I value a lot of reflective value etc.

Post dropped: Because of timer today is holiday = free posting, all I can say for sure for now is that I am going to masterly manage my career and move upward and apply to a big city and name, the fundamental issue is finding & doing free courses and certificates and then selling myself, just let alone this one network opportunity was nice, yet I do have to say building relationships takes fking time & effort. If I ever could be specific I would choose to do A.I with phones as I don't know to much about the big stuff & I am still exploring imagine!! As these fields are so broad and they interconnected so much, I have to do certain stuff in my free time basically and get a work students thingy and build my career that way, I also see plenty of double standards when it comes to girls and companies nowadays that bothered me in my bachelors as there are different treaments, it's seriously an odd space to be in.... all I can say for now. I definitely went to rebellious for some reason that was not good..... I wasted a lot of time, because I was so annoyed at these racist type of memes and holiday taking stuff, and the guy now has the best career option possible I can't believe it... I wonder what I resisted.... I should have just ignored it, yet I was so influenced by feminism at that time as I feel in love with this girl and took this so serious it was fking bad, and the same shit happend also with stuff, the point is for them I am so masculine I don't mind the feminism! It's important, yet the key issue is simply you don't have enough power to fking support me and you gain stuff that I don't in these days, I see this also with black girls they are partially so toxic, the more orange the more toxic the black girl it's incredible. I am now in abosolute fking absolute fking builder mode and I most likely turn stage 1, yet this is the most I can possibly do, I never felt so happy also yet I'll have to do a lot of mathematics and stuff, that I naturally enjoy the joy was just taken by failure perceptions etc. If I can get something sustainable I am pretty sure I can find something with a bit of effort, the point beign I take action and focus on generating life purpose & career. My goals change weekly, I also don't know what to do entrepreneurial wise, as I took tech still. I'll see when I talked to the career service I might get some connections it's stupid and I am in a better region now etc. etc. There are so many dreams and interconnections I'd like to build a need a video camera and for sure some other stuff. I'll play one video game and then read, do coding etc. All in all I am not good at generating an income, as I had my mother as a role model and she only spends she never thought about making money, and my aunt was so busy creating a living space she is not approachable, and most who were interested in business. I was a wreck back then in contrast to where I am now and where I was. I just have to create some entrepreneurial stuff. For now I stick with what I've learned. Finding quality girls without yoga will be so fking tricky. I might ask the guy from game, also when I am closer to having finished stuff. I just simply can't tell what to do as a side hustle, as most things and passion have been taken from me and I could never flourish do to injury etc. It's better for me to focus on two things max. only one thing that is fundamentally tech stuff and teaching mindfulness or smth. and investing etc. I don't know how else to create an income, I'll talk to the career service they should have a better clue of what is possible given age etc.

1h meditation I had a rough intuition why I choose this path as well as how it will infold I do get visionary during meditations I just stopped them for to long and I can draw insights from the subconscious visioning and do some conscious injections as well. I do will go into full tech route and most likely conjoin with the new friends I've made and simply contact the career service and workout, currently to find a girl at yellow is impossible if she did not have an early realizations and many of them have and are aware of trauma I feel. Spirituality in this region is also not to high only other way I could meet girls is at yoga there are billions of them and sexy ones also, otherwise I am prone to have to go the more capitalistic route. The point is what is bothering to me I re-calcualted the money I could have made with ETH it was close to 400k, and it annoyed me as I often backfired the intuition when I thought why not go for it and keep track? I enjoy keeping track. I just need a foot in the door I dunno if I can create what I can create, yet I can enjoy the life that I create and the life purpose I feel I had to much doubt, and I did not know where to get support. I simply could have opened some threads here, even when I felt so shit, yet instead I harboured resentment because of the general lack of support and the valulesness with which I feel I have been treated and people saying then victim mentality etc. I thought fuck that and did what I thought was best to move myself out of the situation which was working out and optimizing what I could, yet I was not maximizing enough. The point is I don't know where to find business parnters and just finding a girl is insanely hard these days corona made it more difficult to socialize and de-socialized an entire generation partially to some extend, that it's just a discord show of some sorts. I legit might approach just some girls that I enjoy seeing, yet the blue pilled hypergamy driven academia with green values and to many foreigners who enforce this instead of green/red that had more potential to get to yellow is an issue. I see it with the DL prof. and the Math Prof. it's like science v.s female inventor&engineer more, as well as feminist, while the other is like we create a weapon to defend humanity, the other ones thinks we can use this to help humanity? I find it odd, the main issue beign to many forgeiners who keep it to blue at times, and hence me having less connections the point is I became good at it, and they are so lazy that I get the responsibility etc. The point is I don't enjoy leading blues as I am lost often times, and they don't like this and act like angry dwarfs without a plan etc. It's like they have to learn first darkness?? Maybe I am off. I am grateful I match girls even when I am not actively dating I am grateful I drink less alcohol and found joy in drinking the occasional red wine for some classy vibes I am grateful I finished my degree even if I did not exactly achieve what I thought I could achieve I am grateful for deepak chopra audiobooks as well as for the new group I am in showing me how real attraction & dating actually is I am grateful for my mother still supporting me and not beign like these "trashes and garbadge cans of girls" that can exists, she is just normal. That is mostly it. I don't have that much time to reflect and act more. The biggest point is I could have approached girls often, I had so much fear of socialization even when I went out billions of times, I legit yearned for normal socialization I partially got it, yet it's a flip to find a hot girl there. I do have to see. No idea how much consciouness and everything I did can help me here. --- Good thing is tech certificates and tech degree as well as working out and selling myself better will pay off, I was so fked the last two years and the stress also caused my injury to be worse etc.

I enjoy healthy competition as a challenge a lot, right on the edge I can't deny that even when I give my best to focus on myself and be in competition with myself I create the best outcomes long-term when I consider the gym, and I did my "crazy athlean x" workouts as a rebel etc. It sounds more like an incompatabillity if she acts from this space and cheating right after this is serious imo, I dunno I bet there are deeper issues. Yeah attraction is a larger issue thanks to green values dominating academia, I see it daily it's not fun and causes a lot of guilt imo. The issue I see with green girls is that they are still pretty hypergamous, in contrast to Yellow~ish seeming girls and even orange girls at times. As hypergamy tends to break down due to wealth and egaliterian countries IIRC. As well as society. Especially in intellectual & ressource potential notions and nature, adventure and family types of consideration. I can recommend the book again, and I'll read it again the point is doing this when you lay her the first time to make her your girl it's not easy to satisfy a girl imo. There are million of variables I noticed. The basics I bet are the most important anyway. I am out of this I barely attract any girls currently. As I can mainly do online etc. I also have issues with balance of aggression and stage red girls liking me which are totally delusional and stage red shadow type girls, yet they are ultra femine, so I have an appeal to that ... unfortunately.... Anyway, I feel bad for the dude. The communication is very off here. As well as masculine energy. I find it tricky to navigate. It feels often if you are not the top 0.5 of men, you fk*ed up in a sense, yet that mainly in one area. Or have some sick diverse features etc. I wish more would game, I find it horrible in Germany. Even in the second biggest city nobody is active anymore.

I bet if you have infos this close to it, you might as well give it a go, I don't recommend taking it I would trade hash and LSD combination any day for every splice stuff I have every tested. It's way better... dunno I tested different stuff one was okay, yet I don't recommend this I also did not have specifics like this. Still a rudimentary practice of 1h meditation a day. Otherwise it's worthless to an extend. I will not do it again, I would be interested to give it a go, yet I don't do any psyches currently.