ValiantSalvatore

Yeah, I uncovered a whole pack of new values from becoming and functioning fully at construct aware and teal+ mostly at Yellow/turqouise as my Turqouise does not get along with Green and I regress to Yellow as I get bored with the perspective a lot, they don't like it that I draw so many connections and become overwhelmed generally and lack the insane curiosity generally and open-mindedness of Yellow. I basically grew during these 5-6 years during ideal times almost to full turqouise, yet I am mostly stuck at Turqouise/yellow & Yellow/turqouise having to work on integrating lower stages (which I even did during these 6 years immensely). I did two Wilber courses and consumed so much this was my main focus on these 5 years, I noticed now I started to late even then, and that I need to change values drastically, as so much changed for me even just by exploring my own stupidity. I noticed when I did some breathwork today, that there are some held up traumas that deny, bodily joy, energy, positivity and even the vibration close to smth. like enlightenment, if you ever exercised so intensely and felt something beyond peace... I would not know how to describe it else during exercise and practicing smth excellently besides pure creativity, dao, ego transcendence, "god" etc. etc. Connection feels like a burden, as I see it more intellectually and I did some slight mistakes, Leo also said it's fine as I sometimes am rigid with structure due to fear. I was Green already at 10 or so, as I had a super liberal upbringing, and I notice now how that caused some trauma and neglect of lower stages like blue and red even. I am also quiet soon done with exhausting Yellow I notice. I can't stomach more models without moving into my body more deeply. I also had a regress in these years for one year approx. to just something below Teal it felt to me. I re-assessed values so often, I do have to see what rings true emotionally the most I find currently honesty and connection are such cliche values and due to life circumstances I don't appreciate them as a "direct" capital V value. Connection I noticed this value is based on trauma and conditioning, as I re-assed my values the last 2-3 years and honesty is something so fundamental to me, I don't need it as an explicit value and see it expressed mostly in mastery, this gives more drive for self-motivation as an EQ concept. These values also always end up at the bottom, when I re-adress them and mostly cause me stress when I think about them. Exellence is by far the largest motivatior I noticed I had in my life when I focused on all these drives and stages, and it's also a huge stage orange craving (again referring to Wilbers course here) craving, and I did not even notice I did not exhaust karmic cravings from orange that much based on exellence. My current issue is gettig to TIER 3 and even better career/life purpose positions, as I notice some values that feel closer to home, that are multiple issues, let alone not having a functional Yellowish structure for proper development etc. I simply don't resonate for multiple more "personality theory and typology reaons and trauma reason" on these values and I notice how my entire internal to external field changes just by adopting one of these it's insane. I just noticed as back then, that the drive for exellence even in spiritual pursuits and mastery as well as other values they for sure go hand in hand many of them, I just noticed when I do more refinement of them, the core solidifies and through re-iterating I come closer to how I'd like to enjoy living when I am even 80. I doubt for example the value of wisdom will be important to me, till I am 40-50 years old. I value consciouness and awareness, yet I see wisdom differently, and yearn for more knowledge. I noticed I neglected my yellow & Orange cravings due to to greenish perceptions of stage turquoise, which are still true, yet often lack the cognitive component without this... this is not even possible that much. I change majorly every 2-3 years approx. I am now at the end almost of another 3 year cycle of heavy changes, yet this has always been the case I definitely could change my values every 2-3 years. Connection and honesty are just a given currently, I can't value it at the current level of consciouness I would value interconnection more than connection. etc. etc. When I contemplate mastery, I was to sure of myself that these values would not change that fast, the same with goals. I would also now value union,interconnectedness more than simply the word conncetion, if you catch my drift it's to "society matrix" based. Thanks for replying and just being open to beign reflective. No need to read.

Is it generally adviceable to change values from my life purpose when I don't feel I resonate with them anymore, is this an intended part of the course @Leo Gura? I am unsure if I resonate with two values, as I appreciate mastery and exellence more than I thought, even when I don't perfectly achieve it, it gives me a lot of self-motivation to contemplate these concepts. Any thoughts to this, I would exchange them most likely for the value of connection & honesty, I never knew what to do with these and I could implement them back, when they are more apparent in my life. Is switching values generally good? As I do a review of them quaterly now for a couple of years, and I find the core of it revolves more around mastery and exellence I would even include both and make it 12 values, as these two are just so important to my life and I never considered it that deeply, also to even ask etc. Any thoughts to this? I would change connection & honesty to exellence and mastery, as I do enjoy this more and I feel would give me more the character I yearn to build and strive for, I did the course 6 years ago so obviously I changed a lot, and the value of exellence just became more apparent the better I became at stuff, especially weight lifting and exercise. The value of connection feels like it needs some trauma work, and I already know what type of person fits more into this, if I even contemplate topics like compatible trauma, to go a bit on a tangent.

This is an in-depth view I generally am sensetive to energies I'd say, yet I don't like to make it a "personal thing" and making me special etc. Like some wu-wu yoga teacher. For me it's similar after tripping the body awareness is very high and I can get out a lot of "karmic imprints" I just call it, just casual stuff that triggers me and get more to the roots of this. Reduced suffering immensely like by 50-70% of what I can perceive emotionally as suffering, all the pain and this knot I felt near the heart space & anahatta was alleviated and cleanesd from the bottom up, so it was an odd experience it felt like steam would clean nervous system strands and the tears when I cried was all the smut, that came with the steam. That is the best possible description I can give. I also confused this for the solar plexus chakra, yet that is located lower, after doing some kriya yoga (testing) and it was the anahatta between the breast where the solar plexus is celiac plexus. This was also better than any psychdelic trip I've done in terms of cleansing the body. Also it was completely random with a built-up. Where is this spot out of interest, where you feel pain? I generally can have this when I overfocus on the celiac plexus. That is interesting that you say that it moved like lava, although I can't make a direct connection to a reference, Shinzen does mention this during retreats when something becoems more soft?? I can envision a bit what you mean. I can 100% relate as I "have" a condition called VGP (volitional generated piloerection), so I can generally create goosebumps as well as tune into my nervous system instantly and vibrate and create a state, also the new Ralston book explains that this is a possibility to instantly create a state and that it does not occure to most. I can 100% personally relate to becoming a vibrator lol, especially on higher energetic states, be it working out, even video gaming etc. Listening to music, I am very sensetive to this. The massage gun analogy is funny, it would be interesting to measure something like this. There is plenty of science here for psyches, I dunno maybe you find something there. I can relate from personal experience, yet I never had an contrast between thickness and density of space in that sense mostly for me it evaporates. Even during meditation retreats and I move into space. I feel the thickness mostly within me. Would be cool if someone measured eletric skin conductivity etc. of psychedelic states similar to what they do with meditation etc. https://imotions.com/blog/learning/research-fundamentals/gsr/#:~:text=Galvanic Skin Response (GSR) is,arousal and other psychological processes. (Randomly found this...) Meditation does some changes to this skin conductivity, yet I have this info from an audiobook. All good. I am changing things up, as always .

It is interesting that you say, that as I just ordered B12/B-complex due to feeling slugish and beign forced to eat less diary products due to injury. At the time I had a massive breakthrough on 1-P LSD and I must have taken B-12, as I lived vegan/vegeterian during that time. I generally get subtle "animalistic" vibrations, on LSD and it often shows me how I treated my body overall, emotionally, sensually, energetically and mental energy wise. If I go by mind&body conncetion. (I did a lot of retreats micro-retreats and a zen retreat afterwards). This is re-creatable with a little bit of effort. Dunno if it's adviceable, I did a pure inquiry and do-nothing type of inquiry. About nature & intelligence. I also had a lot of "pain", yet I was focusing on digesting it and then simply let go. Had a taste of consciouness I presume (the ox) & was almost pulled into it. I never had more clearer disctinctions that are so vast in that sense, I lacked better questions. The vibration generally feels like this from inward to outward, depending how altered my state is. https://psychonautwiki.org/wiki/Drifting I had a full natural clearance of celiac plexus/solar plexus during a weekend meditation retreat with a solid IIRC 6 month build-up 1h meditation and possibly some other micro-retreats (18h - 14h meditation scheduled over the weekend). After this my body feels lighter till today, and it was mostly pain and everthing possible contracted. (I did not take anything and was clean during the retreat) Basically right here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Celiac_plexus#/media/File:Celiac_plexus_coronal.png The pain was evaoporated into dust, and Shinzen told me these are kriyas and they happen, and are not a sign of progress, they just happen to not make a thing out of it. It felt awesome till today, I have a less needy and cleaner vibe imo. No idea what the vibration is on DMT, I had a completely different alien/digital type of phenomena that was to odd to describe and to edgy to put into words, besides saying something digitized my brain... I generally would say the micro-vibrations and vibrations in general also sound changes are different perceptions of consciouness that you experienced in real-time during, while your consciouness state was altered and moving in different altitudes... I am unsure what you mean with central nervous system, I am not a doctor, when I Google it's located at the brain & spinal cord. https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/central-nervous-system#:~:text=The central nervous system (CNS,is the body's processing centre. I would say you generally most likely did digest thousands of "karmic" imprints... and samskharas (mental patterns and the habitual mind), and touched something. When I had the natural release I thought "I" the ego would die and I generally cling on to things, hence the pain I figured, yet ultimately I don't know... Hope this feedback does somewhat help. (sort of breaking my silence for this one post that I am gone, yet this is quiet important and just to coincidental, as I just ordered b12 today due to getting back to a similar level of routine where I had the breakthrough and I figured what was lacking oh b12!)

How much of this saying is true that if I am in alignment with my life purpose I'll attract more girl? I feel as if I am brainwashed by society partially on the matter of attracting girls and turned into niceness for the desires of others partially, as well as man of my friends are not as masculine as c.s majors it's an extrem form of "beta" niceness and I notice this also in the observations of some professors andd the subtle grooming of girls turning men into blue pill alphas for their own "survival mechanisms" which is just damaging to many men and causes this pedestalising thinking, which I have difficulty noticing at times, and has nothing to do anymore with respect. Just thinking and acting hierachically and in an unholistic way, and focusing on alphas and betas of survival in that sense. I just feel it's constantly an excuse to be "high value" with beign elite, I get a kick even out of this a lot. Still I enjoy a lot of feminine sides, and to be playful, yet my humour is barely appreciated as I have been discriminated a lot and a lot still have an equality bias that is worse and creates inequality by for example colorblind racism, treating all people equally causes discrimination as each one has different needs & desires it's impossible, yet important liberation is what works. I just re-focus on myself and delete alll apps and use career networking to be social and create some stuff and ask some questions here that seem to be bothering me. Especially the equality type of discrimination that feels like I am a socialist beign born to re-create, fuck, eat and sleep and have a family and contribute to the communites good, is a huge hoax constructed by society I notice. Many believe this is our sole purpose imo. The point is my existence partially for them is a hallmark of equality, so no matter where I am at they frame me in this manner and if not I am Andrew Tate, I learned to deal with these projections and harness their power, as it's only about power again and many still hold subtle believes about "race" as a construct when they are acting from an equalities and non-liberated perspective imo. What can I possibly do here? How does a strong life purpose get you girls, how can I be a strong masculine guy without beign shamed into cuckhold equality, that is to much at times there is no polarity and sexuality and feels and acts like an upkissing dude putting girls on a pedestal because of beauty etc. I feel exhausted from this as I can't meet a somewhat normal girl, and a lot are not high quality even if they think they are. Overweight, bad eating habits, barely exercise. I can't get a clear perspective as other men's perspective is even moreso clouded by "evolution & race scientific paradgism & social media" to get valueable feedback. How much does like attract like, this whole evolutionary type of framework and thinking, I find is extreme. The issue is due to injury I lost a lot of high qualty traits, that are now diminished and I just feel existential at times about this, that I feel I at best use the mechanism and the mystery method and parts of it to just create better attraction with girls, yet not pro-create. I don't enjoy this, yet I feel the equality framework causes to much focus on re-creating and family and is unholistic often and causes discrimination. Even when I give my best to attract girls and work on myself a lot just act on surival and re-production and see this as normal, so learning game makes sense, as otherwise you're just an average guy even if high value etc. How does a strong life purpose counter this? When I was more in alignment spiritually as well as work wise I had more girls beign interested in me etc. Yet I feel often that this is only a survival mechanism of elite selection, there barely is any girl with character. I feel more strength in building this as I notice how "low value girls" are acting from this paradgim and disregard self-development and improvment and simply trade based on hypergamy terms, and become dolls in that sense and playtoys. ----------------------------------------------------------------- What can I do here internally? When I was on top my life purpose everything feel more into my lap, yet it's very difficult and I have this pattern in my life often. Should I stop dating and work on internal and external factors? I only had 7-5 meet-ups this year, and I find I am to deep into fields to find anyone that matches, without diving deeper into those fields like. Psychedelics, consciouness work, fitness, coding & a.i technology and networking. I often find myself ostracized based on character I dunno anymore at times who I am as I changed so much and went through a lot and even when I found myself I was kicked-out from it due to injury etc. Any ideas what to work upon? Should I express myself irregardless I got more matches and girls this way, as I was an uncaring asshole that enjoyed his life and still a gentleman. I am not perfect, yet many see me as if I'd project this. Ideas and input appreciated. I am very lost and found more stability, after the doctor said I can't change much and the MRT-scan showed the injury did not get worse, and my workouts are hitting harder. I legit yearn to unite more technology, nature & human interactions, as I find it's one of the best tools to connect nowadays, humans have been at war forever that is also not changing with technology, yet more harmony generally is better. Should I continue to read and self-educate? I become so arrogant, yet I attract more high quality girls even doctor type girls, as I have more "expertise" this seems to counter-act "getting children" notions, as we'd definitely discuss this an an expert. I stopped self-educated, due to be becoming more and more arrogant and I don't know if this was good as I kicked-out less succesful people, and reading causes me to change massively. I read 12 books last year approx etc. I'd like to take more action, yet going out solo I am still ashamed, as I don't enjoy the level of success I have etc. I feel the extremese of single-moterhood parenting and it's brainwashing go to me, and there are some upsides, yet I notice how bad it is, as I don't see and act on masculine cues at times. There is not a single notion about purpose and attracing girls just "go with flow" which is bad imo and beign "authentic" while I only attract high iq and succesful girls with "authentic" as I have a personal resenment with apathy and loser percpetions even in me, that I work the best with etc.... The point is these subtle value judgements and the constantly beign low-key, cool and non-judgemental is getting to me as I lost high quality men points, especially in terms of adventure etc. I find it tricky to deal with hierachies and the advice in these "men groups" focusing on survival & disrespecting girls a lot, yet girls just sleep with the biggest scumbags for whatever reason etc. I lost drive an ambition Health as a re-productive indicator I feel as if it's only about hypergamy if I don't follow my vision and act on it Opportunities for socializing more in terms of sports and a lot of recognition and social factors Self-esteem definitely & self worth while I did even visualizations to counter-act the effects I feel like I don't often get answer for my question and others subtely guilt tripping me instead of beign clear and practical etc. Going out solo and having 0 opportunties for game as it's dead, is an issue nobody does this and many just are pro-creating animals, how to embrace that? I dunno....where and how to meet girls. Social circles are dead and apps are rising bars&clubs everything based on merit & status in a sense. Should I simply continue working till I have the breakthrough on factors that attract girls inside & outside & set dating aside and just socialize with friends even if they are extremely beta and manipulative subtely? I don't have anyone else for them I am masculine etc. Continue reading and self-developing? I miss strong and healthy male recognition for manliness in terms of masculine energy and the attention from girls I do get it from support groups in study rooms, yet I just miss a girlfriend that has a level of normalacy and her hypergamy reduces by ironically equality, capitalism and "liberation" in a sense. When I trust my intuition I change gears every week as I notice more and more problems and the root fixing takes time. With shadow work etc. I somehow do things wrong I never had a girlfriend worked with a psychologist due to the death of a loved one, I can't deal at times with these projections it's like I constantly have to admit I am broken we talked about this, yet I am so fking lost and just getting older. I also develop a lot of self-hatred if I don't attract a girl that is physically at the same level approx. A girl with a deeper character is extremely difficult to find most are just hypergamy driven and act on evolution types of mechanism I feel, there is no character you know one when you see one in that manner.

Doing shadow work the the so called sexist me girl as well as white gay dude and mental health, subjects and health subjects in general where I get loads of projections: 3: It feels like there is a lingering pain in me that sees is unable to make fun of itself and enjoy the roles humans put onto each other as it's all imaginery it takes imaginary stuff for real tangible stuff It feels like there is a side in me that yearns to be playful with girls & teasing instead of full of shit & self-protecting It feels like there is an identity in me that holds me back from sexual depth, and screams goodness goodness goodness like a pathetic wiener It feels like there is this pathetic wiener in me that uses girls and women in a socially accepted dynamic to protect himself, as due to perception of beign a minority can't stand up for myself at times It feels like there is a powerlesness in me that can't deal well with concrete identity and roles, as it notice it's manipulative force and how dangerous selflesness can be It feels like there is fear in me that isolate myself and participate in beign more selfless as I am a beautiful funny and big cock equipped human I neglect my toxic merit side that turns pain into gold It feels like there is an issue with gender at times that I can't quiet put my finger on It feels like the conservative in me is yearning for success and busting through illusions concocted by libreals to have power to not see themselves as loosers within society, as they are unable to wield power mostly It feels like there is a double empathy side in me the truthful liberal who is able to disqualify himself and create openess to explore form and sexuality & the concrete conservative identity that has to play the role of socialist pro-creator to feed the masses their pissy soup The girl was a tall seeming goofy type of girl next door, who turned her beauty into biterness instead of embracing it as to the rigorous left-minded step-wise orientation of academia It felt like the girl had issues of beign seen as a looser, I felt triggered by this also recently It feels like the gay guy did not enjoy it that my existence proofs that he has a gay attitude, yet I see this somehow very clearly It feels like I am playing favouratism at times based on selling myself as an expert while noticing possible mistakes that are completely foundational It feels like and plays itself out like there is this painful, shy introverted thing in me, that changed, yet is still just sucking things up at times It feels like a lack of embodyment of accepting the harsh reality truth that I discovered and even going more into ghost mode and accepting these are lies and bullshit and the painful bitterness of girls regardless and or not are interested in taming a player like a wild horse I notice that I don't comprimise on my wild horse qualities and hence even get more alpha girls as I dominate them and they enjoy it, even just via texting I notice how the guy next door in me is a psychopathic sigma male masculine driven servant that is absolutely cold-hearted about his sense of reality and does not comprimise in it, even if it's totally wrong, just to not delude himself I notice how everybody loves this truthfulness in me as they see the purpose of their frustration, HA THERE WAS SOMETHING TRUE I KNEW IT I notice how I have been bullshitting myself on topics of race&social stuff where I can't fully put it out of the equation and I have to play with projections, as people are prone to collectively project It feels like there is an inner need to justify myself as many are curious out of self-gain not out of self-interest and I become resentful to friends a like for their concocted and fundamentally racist opinion, as they just scan their enviroment for believes and group-think etc. 2: Let's converse shadow element, well talk about this and also get the angle of non-black and white 9w8's can we handle that what do you even need? That is a new question I gathered and I can focus on myself partially and not the mental health & health game I perceive humans love to play with their animal status perception and seeking even online, as they don't realize how stuff is constructed. Oh it's another point about social domination based on the stupidity that others can assess group situations better emotionally? You yearn for that? I though you yearn for that? Can't you see the issue of having to deal with people who are having a strong reality out of ignorance as they believe their reality is truth, yet they see just all the lies they constructed. Was this the reason I yearned for silence as well as an empty mind, as well as yearn to realize the construction of reality? As people force identity games onto you for their truth and social domination? What is your gift what are you sharing? You simply notice the emotional forces of social domination, yet you don't quiet get it as instinctively and are not as threatend by it, that is why you emotionally dominate groups as you're more honest with your emotions than 100% of people that you meet, so you have to hold back, still then shadow what do you need what are you teaching me to not turn this into denial? Is it attention & affection? You notice that don't you? That you've been made fun of for beign authentic and that the social dominante side of you could tolerate the self-enjoyment of your vulnerability? You are that intelligent, and you see how especially young kids play games without realizing how disgustingly useless you perceive them for having been granted opportunities, and this generates hate, as you in your reality had to work extra hard and people verified this. Is this the social spectrum you're talking about? You see that some are just naturally gravitating to power, while you denied it out of fear so often, you got a lot of it back in the social & emotional releam yet your professional leadership qualities have been suffering, as people can't at times understand slightly more complex instruction and complex is better than complicated, simplicity is the hardest to produce and everyone loves it. There is also bias there, yet how come this girl situation is triggering you, you had 3 dates riled up this week 3! Some get none, and gaslite and act like bitter bitches, what is up with you feeling it's not enough. Well shadow I am suprised you talk to me with me about this, as I thought this is you, we are not shadow boxing anymore we are dancing and I notice how there have been issues with the image I present as I am multi-facetted as many, and not as boring, the injury just killed new facetted I create remember thick face, this image is untouchable fake, real or not. What do you do notice? Due to injury I attract more lethargic people as they see the gym as lazy activity and just think working is productive. As well as what bothers you with the girl am I the girl? You certainly have moral standards like a girl at times, like you want the perfect boyfriend and girlfriend and even when you get it, you don't enjoy it as you enjoy seeing the mistake, you enjoy having something unique about the girl not something normal. Be it a unique personality and or character. What I notice is the following, shadow the injury costs me energy none the less as energy moves there I don't feel the same anymore let's not bullshit ourselves, you notice how well good energy feels, nature, cycling exercising even then and the stability it builds. You yearn for stability and social domination through stability, yet notice how hard optimizing this is and can be and enjoy the pain in creating it, why do we get triggered by distraction. You're perfectonism my friend!! Ta-Da! We are here again anger and pissed land! Great talking to you shadow I really appreciate the clarity here, can you tell me what you're showing to me, why did the saying to me I am sexist trigger me when I made a slight remark about identity. Who many identity triggers did you go through and work upon and digest? Most likely a trillion, so you make fun of yourself, you just notice you stopped empathizing with girls as you see how painful it was to be heart broken, and you idiot yearned for this as a tragic romantic 4 in the enneagram! You don't enjoy the time wasting initially in this bonding this is fine. (shower break I did not feel to well yesterday, then I continue with this etc.) We are back shadow we are also officaly now of this forum hurray!!! We will go ghost mode!!!!! Hurraaay! Use insight time also and get off the energy that is seemingly not resonating and stop with meditation reports etc. AS well as the toxic new group etc. Okay, we both know now how this work and that these tech companies screw you over. Shadow what are we doing this is the longest session I stretched. What did I just see? Don't hang-out with girls who lost their drive towards feminity bro! You just integrated your animal! It's to move on and work harder. You see these girl don't give an f about your age as you have a somewhat provider and daddy frame to you, the older ones are just laughing because they are a bit delusional remember the good ones like how my mother and also her best friend act, they are not like this you know it and you see how this works mate! What is it now with shadow work? There were golden elements I got utterly distracted ...that your sense of reality is stronger than mosts and you dominate them, as you emotionally dominate and can make others feel guilty. Is there something else you notice? Dude these girls like to be dominated and raw even toxic masculine energy as this has become an emotionally manipulative bitch boy and girl festival without strong feminity and masculinity at lower stages stuff would be lost, that is what comes to mind currently. Can you say anything to that? What is the trigger shadow? Making money? Beign broke? Celebrating yougness and life? While doing consciouness work is that what you crave and need? YES YES YES GIVE ME MORE! Then you have to realize how much balance this takes no? The damage done and the joys are taken out of different places you see to go big, you have to go ghost mode, accept your introversion you see how fking dirty type of sex you get because of this, as many extroverted guys are so boring sexually you feel it in your gut. So what is it now?`Embrace identity sexually as a guy this will cause way more shadow work then you think it will. Anything else bro? This is the most time derivative deprived session I did, what is up with that, you notice how dangerous all of this is, and that you truely took care better this time, yet this forum is a distraction without the work. As well as you gave into plenty of distractions and fixed them. Now it's time to change and reap rewards. What triggered you was also lack of internal abundance most guys would not engage with a girl that acts as if their biological desires are the ultimate truth and undermines your sense of reality, this is not proper brainfuck and intellectual connection and psychological dominance, this girl got to you slightly as she is manipulating with an inferior sense of reality and you know it, and it's dangerous that is why I call it inferior. Green is bad! Not good it's not the stuff we need. 1. I am the one who notices that he undermines his own sense of reality because of a believe in egaliterian principles and notices the issues with this I am the one who is triggered by the notion of identity and gender as a moral harbinger of equality and when this sense of identity is threatend I am the one who notices that the gender wars is an occupation of girls and going by type and personality & vibe and high energy is the solution I am the one who notices conscious girls don't woreship evolution they appreciate nature and animals and the depth of evolution I am the one who is acting insecure around topics of identity and social roles, as they are prone to manipulation I am the one who is noticing that age & gender don't play as much as a role as you think they do, most don't care if you have a strong sense of reality I am the one who realizes having a strong sense of reality and psychology is the most dominating thing possible as well as expertise you are acting as if you're god-like and a god-like spirit has possed you I am the one who realizes the beauty to look up to gods and deities and god-lik moments and feelings I am the one who acts like a sexist type of girl at times I am the one who acts like the guy next door, yet is secretly a psychopath I am the one who realzies the trapped masculine energy in me as well who now has the opportunity to act this out and learn more about it I am the one who realizes age is just a number girls as young as 18-20 like me and I notice how a strong sense of reality is the solution to all of it I am the one who realizes that I might need to engage with my old best friend he knows me the best he just knows my instinct and the devil within me I am the one who realizes being unique and different is having a strong sense of reality and people who try to break that are weak and play of an concrete idenity I am the one who notices that blending in can cause me massive pain of betrayl I notice I have a psychopathic sigma male drive in me as I attract to many vulnerable people and could accept that I am better with alpha males than I originally think I am and these are strong "compatriots" I am the one who notices vibe identity and locality is playfully shifting every second That is it for now. I am out utterly out for some months. I use insight time and I am gone beyond gone from here for now. Till I made some changes etc. Right now focus on career every second spent here is a waste of time. I am going into full unified builder mode with psychdelics I might not be able to push the research end, that I enjoyed pushing, yet I also stopped caring out of my own protection and sense of reality. This is not me. I would if fully functional integrate a robot leg, so I get my functionality back etc. I am out of this. For some months I only will do shadow work eventually here. Not even engage with anything no matter how hot the topic and engage with more real humans and ideas! I am out! Thank you for reading, this will only be a place for shadow work once each saturady and I might even do that online I left the forum from? 2017-2019 or 2019-2021 for 2 years, already once. As I was angry at the type of daily discrimination again, repeat, ignoring and build connect to truer humans and also seek girls who look good, don't kid yourself that you don't appreciate beauty and also care about her. I am out I found stuff to integrate and take some time for myself. No I won't do shadow work here I am just out. I value myself at times to much to just share everything, some stuff is preserved for more real ones, and the ones I'd like to impact, I am moving there more. I'll reach out to some stuff and apologize etc. This was an utterly dark period, and I don't enjoy this without some sauna and a glass of whiskey and a joint, yes full gangster I am leaving bye.

90% of the time I opend a journal somehow someone liked it. I vented a lot more stuff and I just see some patterns that are just not explainable. I've found and listend to some of the dirty, the yellow pill I'll call it as it's more hardcore, some redpill&bullpill distinctions and some gamers, who are quiet serious. Through the last two weeks of shadow work I've gained more clarity, although I'd like to keep these journal briefer. I used to get my needs meet online, I know that without my doing a lot of distabillity has been caused. I loved to share success with people who love to enjoy it with me, yet I've noticed this pattern of disrespect. For a quick review, I've also been more aware of the issues of social contagion, and how I am contributing (that is not new), yet many do not realize how much hope I bring and others simply get jealous. I've been more social as of lately, and I've found mindsets that help me. My game is getting slightly better online, offline also and I've drawn clearer distinctions. I am more aware of pitfalls in the bias of the teaching because of this hope fabric, I am pretty difficult to fool, yet naive at times. It's been an eye-opener to see how empathy is recommended from hardcore gamers, and to think and empathize with women, I noticed how through this military stuff, I've had this blue pill alpha mindset partially installed in me, that I would not have recognized would it not have been for the audiobook I am listening to. I figure to write briefer posts of improvements mostly, metaphysical insights I was working to build that scaffold what broke me I think was not trusting the few connections I had online as I was utterly despised and still am with the human idea of "racism" it's not easy to get it out of me and I notice it everyday that it's mostly status. I notice some patterns that have not been as obvious to me before, yet I am not letting people anymore in my life who disrespect me and I can't have any respect for. That is detrimental to stuff, that means also very close and old friends. The new friends all respect me and help me. The point simply is I notice how much frame matters, and I never cared so that is a frame also. I have a new date on wednesday, I would most likely be swimming in dates, in a larger city as would have more valor. I checked out a pretty hot chick at the gym she enjoyed it moved down her groins, and I presume the 1-3 months of the shadow work integration is happening from sexual shaming, and the military blue pill stuff. It's insane how dumb men are as a collective, I am glad at times to not consider me human, to not fall for all of this folley, be it superhuman, alien etc. I've checked out OkCupid I do think I resonate internally with liberal degenerates as Heartise tells? Would show. It legit opend my mind and that has been a long time, it either has been jailbroken by DMT, and not upgraded by LSD. I see how the lessons over the past year are beign included and I am making more improvements. Principles do take time, it just takes time to hone them. The point is the dig deeper into the abillity to solve problems and see logic mostly as a form of masculine energy. It has been hijacked by my mother for some reason. A lot of emotional damage has been done by my mother the father issues are more collective and this subtle disrespect here, is also an issue. That is mostly it, there is a lot of bitterness thanks to having and sorry for saying this bitter women in my life who project their stuff upon me at times! Not always, and it's socially not allowed to call women bitter, bitter cat ladies etc. It's interesting stuff to contemplate about. I notice other attraction patterns and why I'll kick some stuff of my love map. I was serious about growth and I realized how my mother was correct with material stuff, often it is status that is the relevant issue. --- I'll leave this open after gym sessions, there is still a lot of hatred harbored in my heart against the pig mentality? Of society and I might have hurted some people, yet I did not really intend to I was so lost and mostly only one person I've found believed in me, and that felt very well. Which was my old psychologist. I will never again say no to a synchrodestiny type of experience and synchronicities. As well as conscious moment that surpass my understanding. As well as text and write to more liberal women at times. I do enjoy the flat hierachy and I know why I dislike some stuff, and why I wanted to be a linchpin. I noticed how much I missed this stuff when I was 12-16 years old, as I just did not have any books and or other tools. As well as to many bitter women, I would not date a women ever who disrespects men. I love feminism, I love feminists, I don't enjoy disrespect. I am very respectful usually, to respectful where I see the pain of having to be disrespectful at times. I notice I feel healing, and get utterly into growth when I listen to this frequency, I did this also in China and the flow kinks out all shadow energies without disrespecting the current breathwork hype. The point is perfection notices.... I do notice.... that is what I mean. Posting only on gym days, for dating insights and reflections, trips and at very conscious and very dark moments, if the pull is to heavy for any reason (I did stuff you'd act to much of proud like and I cringe). I quiet. I am working in recovery. Copy-cats be copy-cats I will close down stuff, if I see any copying. This is a lecture. If I see non-originiality I will close this journal, stop all ideas. Remember in America thanks to your work and projections, I am the law. I notice I can integrate the horny dog. I don't enjoy disrespect at all.

Again I appreciate your advice and energy. Also if you seriously have a mental illness I would appreciate it if you stop engaging with me, I don't do well with these type of people for my own sake. I warn you and I will simply block & mute you, I don't have space for this. I found my answer through some feedback, and it's quiet simple to have a stronger sense of reality. @hyruga comment certainly helped me to figure that out, so again thanks to him and Leo's video about gaslighting.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corruption_Perceptions_Index United states become worse after this index and trump came into office.

I listend to the part to attract girls from Leo & how to get laid. Next week we have a whole week off. I could do all of this more enjoyably and effectively. Use the computer the apps mess with my head completely. As well as pick a day to purchase some new clothes etc. I'll also should feel a stronger pull to wake up I still have internal ressistance at blue etc. I will code now and continue with my plan etc. Time is certainly not running away and to stop racing against the time is good. The point is there are many deeper contemplations I'd like to do, yet even with a degree I have to see and talk to so many people This is also good. I did not see that to admit mistakes is high self-esteem, as I continously do, sigh... I definitely could hit up my friend yu more. The guy has the same issue as me like we both care about our face and fascade in a sense. I generally get along better with asian guys & girls for talking & taking action. I don't enjoy how hypocritical many "white guys" are as they manipulate and skew things heavily in their favour without noticing it socially. It's very obvious so I enjoy talking with asian guys & girls as they see the same thing often, yet nobody of them talks about it, as they only have a black heart. Yet not a thick face. Many are not good at projecting an image. Anyway this was a brief exchange. High self-esteem more likely to record interesting ideas and cultivate them, they value the productions of their mind. Low self-esteem won’t even record them Self-esteem flows with reality, self-doubt fights it Willingness to admit mistakes Innovators/entrepreneurs need high self-esteem to move away from comfort to explore ideas High self-esteem seeks challenging goals The higher our self-esteem the more honest and appropriate our communications are likely to be, as we believe our thoughts have value and we can communicate not fearing clarity We feel most at home with peoples whose self-esteem resembles our own Use Tinder online & Bumble on PC when you start again Buy new clothes Push career in anyway you can see and seem possible Join the camera thingy on discord Use the PC for all apps possible the phone messes with my head at one point Re-focus on career & consciouness I have one girl left in my pool of 3 possible girls this week (I'll boost my bumble weekly once, as I bought a lifetime option) Generally stay away from doubters -> move away from comfort I generally set challenging goals at times to challenging. I have new insights and can get new feedback. There are billions of micro mistakes I see where others would be oblivious and just up their status. I also can copy some gifs from a funny girl in this chat for chats as she was the same humour, yet simply is more intelligent and in tune with our culture, the humour gives me access. I am doing shadow work then meditate shower & then simply study and get the best old self back that was there and is lingering and focus on the new self emerging. I should not have invested in Crypto without flipping and seeing hot trends and to gamble etc. Also stay away from people where I notice mental health is draining. I'd like to embrace the full me. The point is appreciating basics. I feel fear changing values I look at the value section again and might change some stuff out completely such as honesty & personal growth and put in exellence & mastery. This is better for me as a human. I love to be an expert.... at blue etc.

Thanks, no I attract them all the time the issue is social situations and going for a number etc. Girls are turned on often even when they have a boyfriend as I focus a lot on acting more masculine, indifferent and alpha instead of nice. I just need a couple of relationships with guy&girls a like to break free and listen to the advice to one player I meet, as he is more interested in getting a girlfriend, yet might be stuck in consciouness work. The point is ever since I solidly hit teal in SD I have a lot of power in social situations I just lack stabillity with friendships and consistency to not burn out, as well as a place where there are more attractive girls. Actually you just gave me more ideas on how to fix things, nothing is lost and I overreacted most likely as this girl (2 time) called me a sexist for saying to her. Girls from xxx are very shy. I could not believe it. I was slightly triggered by this and do shadow work around this now I don't enjoy attracting girls who have trauma etc. etc.. I deleted all apps and focus on networking via a career, usually people enjoy having me with them. As I am chill & high energy. Thanks for just responding I get plenty of ideas even when stuff is wrong and people project. I did not think as far, as to move regions again after just beign here for 1 year, as I don't enjoy it. So that gives me more internal self-motivation for studies and pushing career. Thank you again!

Mostly the core of my issue are multiple things here is a concise list: as well as paragraph that creates an oversight. Beign to nice and not knowing how to fix is as I get the opposite projection and I am very masculine The issue of having a life purpose that feels to weak as I incured plenty of looses during the path lacking internal strength The amount of isolation and negative experiences I made with Germans as to their egaliterian hypergamy perspective and discrimination and then framing it on me etc. The inability of some girls to realize they have a discriminating attitude To consistently do stuff alone to much and not finding friends with similar interest to meet girls The mental challenge of the injury and the social power loss of it, often me beign forced in some manner to speak about it The notion of especially "intellectual" type girls to be discriminating bias on notions of mechanistic survival and reproduction without noticing it especially if they are liberal and abusing politics without empathy, just playing power dynamics Not finding the inner strength anymore to attract girls with my true vision, as a lot of this stuff is against society The level of pragmatism and expert bias, generally also projection and glee type of humour I don't deal well with it Inabillity to meet women consistently outside of apps (I do get matches I could have put some effort into meeting 3 girls for example this week) The issue of having lost high quality men aspects, such as strength & compassion I feel physically absolutely battered. My social circle now beign mostly computer guys who are socially very manipulaitve & status oriented without them noticing I fundamentally don't feel like my life purpose is helping me to get girls, as well as the amount of isolation now due to injury I don't know how to fix this and my age as well as success has been bothering me for a while and I can't get rid of these notions I am heavily disappointed at myself, and I could only do so much. When I act more vulnerable I feel utterly abused by girls and I shut down as I would most likely loose it at one point, I can only give a little with people I trust that helps. The level of process orientation and just continuing is at times to much, as I don't enjoy a lot of things anymore and can't build the adventurous sporty lifestyle that I yearned for and worked for. I am just massively dejected at times, and I don't enjoy the level of development of most college students, this is mostly internal and despite all efforts I dunno how to change it. I just don't enjoy existing at times anymore, I know it's heavy/odd to say this I don't enjoy beign human a lot. I don't like it. I did psychotherapy and worked with multiple one even if only briefly Experiemented with psychedelics Exercise & mindfulness meditation healthy eating Going to networking events making some new friends I do shadow work now actively currently even on this plattform Generally calling people if I don't feel well. Having most solutions, yet lacking social support that I can enjoy most simply don't care anymore Asked friends & family for support etc.

I don't really believe you realize how serious this is, it feels like I am talking to a kid. I enjoy the conscious attention I can give to myself, the issue is I am a biological creature with cravings that I also take care of. The point is the solutions I have a rather alternatives and many are like sure go ahead, and I don't like the consistent risk I found some people who can give me solid advice, yet you can see for yourself where you find that. The whole topic was about a life purpose,weakness niceness and an egaliterian society and how that dynamic plays out. If I would give you the simplistic solution it would be the shit I am already doing. So I don't even need to worry. I generally do this I did not have the best relationship to security and many see me as security which is an issue. I just don't know how to work at this and beign alone and not writting these posts is worse at times than just completely isolating myself that is absolutely toxic as hell. I also don't believe we act from a fundamental level where we would could have a mutual understanding with out me feeling like you remind me of someone I truely dislike for his attitude and pragmatism frame. I generally stopped in "real life"........................... to justify myself I do seek reassurance at times and this is normal to some level, I don't call my friends late at night etc. or stuff like this etc. etc. I am mostly concerned by the level of isolation and interaction and loosing of friends I incured. I don't feel concerned if you're interested in feedback maybe 5% it's more feedback and food for thought. Anyway, we don't resonate I am sure of it. I appreciate your energy though.

I would appreciate it if you have a serious mental ilness to leave out far-off diagnosis. I don't have anything and worked with a licensed psychologist it's fundamentally anger and frustration I have an issue and self-control and some subtle notions within that. Yes, I fear dying as I would actually kill myself imagine I do have fear as I have stuff to loose and I generally hold on to live. I am completely anit-authority and a rebel by heart. I can at times feel powerless, so does everyone the point is having a stronger sense of reality. As they steadily test you if you fit within the group etc. etc. The point is 90% of the time I am the authority I only am agreeable with people that I enjoy beign with, especially offline otherwise I am not very submissive to authority. I am very aware of who I give authority and can take that back within seconds, it's mostly social pressures and group dynamics I can struggle with if people seek to much reassurance I can't provide this. Etc. I take what you say with a grain of salt, as you see my social skills and perceptive is so canny then that I don't even need to talk and this was also partially in this Dr. Tians podcast that raze posted. I appreciate your response, some stuff is good, I enjoy beign resonable and not rational and I enjoy beign produtive a fking lot. I just don't enjoy socities notion about various things and projections, and it feels like an extra pressure and talking point etc. I most likely almost died at birth, yet I can't recall anymore if that info is correct, because I was operated at birth and or could have died, so I subconsciously stop often it's way to deep to touch this also and I would really need an extremely good therapist as there is fundamentally subtle pain in every breath and sometimes people misinterpret my body language, while I just need a short break and or do this to relieve pain, when I walked a long distance etc. They also steadily sense something is off, yet my nervous system is also most likely because of this more alert. Is the scar is huge from the operation etc. etc. That is the irony I get every authority and hence responsibility and the blame, also I don't do well with that as a rebel you see? I like generally holistic teams, yet they don't exist. The best I get is a flat hierachy and if I am lucky someone who acts & thinks holistically with me etc.

My social skills are abnormally good, in a sense as I can go deep with people quickly, all the deeper PD and spiritual work and generally my personality just made me more immune to this I have been going out since I was 14 as it was common, the point is I need a bit more of advanced social skills and specifically to get girls I am also introverted so stuff can get stale, yet I am also a guy who can entertain a whole table on his own, if I vibe with the crowd. Yeah I notice yet I worked and put a lot of emphasis on psychology, yet I had also such deep insights I just notice how subtle all of these frames are and how heavy I feel I am beign drilled to be a reproductive drone & or a cold hearted mercenary. I can be to much at times, and can invite myself to high stakeholder places in a sense and they take care of me etc. The issue is having had others who put my social skills down and asking my unskilled social skill type questions like, why are you looking at me? Why are you so quiet? Stuff like this where I feel perplexed at times what to do and how basic it can be and enjoyable. Like talking about cats & dogs and what color her dress is for example. Because I have character etc. I tend to dominate a lot emotionally. When I went and did game the coach complimented me on how well I did, the issue is to be so isolated that I have to do this on my own, and it's not like I am doing game, it's like I am beign just a social animal that is alone with other social animals etc. When I do what I enjoy doing I talk the whole fking time as I find others information content so boring, yet when I work on goals it becomes different.

I finished my studies last year and had the same mindset, yet a lot of stuff came together I am doing a masters degree now as I was more interested in this and I notice how competitive my region is because it has an exellence cluster, so a lot of hot girls with masters degree, yet they basically want to see that in your profile or some other traits etc. I am also becoming 30 next year this year 29 I did not have a very smooth pathway to this and notice so many mistakes, the point is I feel so different and I have difficulties after 2 deaths within my family to reconcile these wounds, and a serious diagnosis on how I coped with all of this. I don't enjoy most likely even biologically how much status I lost, and that there is not much I can do and girls that are acting likes animals and I notice how heavy the notion of evolution is imprinted in a scientific paradigm and to pro-create. You're correct that I am not happy, yet I notice everday how much brainwashing went into me, and how I find no one to talk about this. The point is the story of my life is everything that I ever enjoyed was either taken from me and or denied by enviroment and or shamed like a lot I could make plenty of lists, and I find strength in healthy social groups, yet all they talk about is girls and business and are bad at it and barely take any action, so they just work and isolate themselves. Things I have been shamed for for example and were taken from me or I had to do completely on my own. Interest in science & everything academically focused as my mother did not care about this stuff Masculinity and beign pititied and stereotyped for beign black and not having had a father with this "player" idea etc. My passion & interest in music as I was in music school & my mother and father were unabel to reconcile giving me a drum kit, and bringing that passion closer to me as I really loved this. Generally the connection to smth. that was masculine to me. Stability and not having it beign seen as broken & unwhole even if I never saw it that way To much "nazi-feminist type" of thinking of beign forced to respect girls and to be neutral and blue pill alpha ideas as I was kind and nice from my aunt and mother at times, as if I would not respect girls themselves and it would need to be forced to me, as I seem OHHH dangerous!! Look it's tall and dark these type of notions. My abillity to exercise now due to injury For beign depressed I am supposed to be naturally happy facing discrimination the whole day in school and when I talked at home about it there is a completey misunderstanding and just saying. Yep it is how it is better learn to deal with it and constantly having to ignore and isolate so many people, it's disgusting the level of how much I need to pull this of at times, as they make "race" such a thing if you're a tiny bit mixed and ethnicity debates etc. It gives them an excuse to talk about evolution and their own ideas about it. Interests in language entire class of french in uni dropped due to lack of interest of students (again alone isolated having to do things on my own) Loosing all friends due to personal development work giving my best to convince them, yet they all cared for material and money and holidays, which I did not enjoy as much. I was more interested in becoming the best version of what I could be. I was shamed for sexuality and beign black, and why I did not fuck that many girls and have a big dick Practicality and work ethic I have the highest achievment of degree (besides my best friends girlfriend) from my old friend group and direct family, and they shamed me for not going out making money and beign pratical. Intelligence and the idea of intelligence having to be practical and making money and basing everything on merit and giving me a lot of competitive vibes and yeah beat em fuck em up type of thinking, go win for us. I don't like my family and old region etc. Other things, yet this should give a picture. I was completely left alone, when I mentioned I struggle mentally when my grandma died.etc. etc. etc. I changed a lot because of this and even before this I lived & worked in China and was "acing" my studies I was just pretty good. there is more etc. For example my old psychotherapist wanted to diagnose me for giftedness, yet I don't have the status as well as even then the "natural" intelligence to back it up, I don't also look particularly intelligent just masculine. I did the same, yet I had to much going on and did my best to find solutions, people continue to help me I just don't enjoy living with humans at times and humanity I don't find healthy men groups anymore as I can't join any ballsports activites and exercise is what kept me the most mentally healthy and sane. To ignore this, as girls find me daily attractive I just don't find a girl that I resonate with currently the one that resonated I noticed the age-gap, and I had so many revealing things to me. The point is the level of neglect of my parents is daily topic I don't know how to deal with well. I meet a lot of cool people and I feel empty if they don't have a little bit of uniquness to them, and I miss very good connections. My life purpose also includes moving to the U.S for a long time, and I have a citizenship I find it heavy for how much it's taken for granted and how the sense of reality that I have has been shattered so many times, I stopped caring at one point about stuff as most of my dreams simply have been denied and I had massive panic around stuff that I could not work well with, as stuff just accumulated to fast. Way to fking fast. I can't digest it till today properly I feel like I am beign groomed into an reproductive bot and I don't enjoy this notion. I can't do any of the things I dreamed of physically anymore. As I was extremely fit and motivated in this area to work and create smth. now I just don't have that edge anymore. At times I don't know how to cope, what to do where to find friends who are more interested in the samethings, as I just again worked for this change. I lost a lot of joy for life which I gained from jogging & sprinting beign in nature etc. It's not the same anymore I can't kid myself it's like saying cancer would not affect someones emotional state etc. As well as the power loss I incured with this and what many about me appreciated it's like I have to double down on my coures of action and still endure the current isolation. I had so many friends when I was succesful in uni it bothered me I was the hip cool guy etc. I don't know how much my degree is worth as it was integrative and included multiple aspects, I applied to things I am interested in, yet just have been declined the stuff what I built is not enough etc. I worked also immensely before this to change myself. Dude legit even with 16-14 is all I wanted is a normal pretty girlfriend and a somewhat norma life, yet I never really felt I had the chance. I lived also toxic and changed this. I dunno...I changed and gave this a chance there are so many options, yet I have to deal with so many setbacks and the path I choose with A.I engineering is not easy. and again I had this vision when I was 14-16, yet I just did not know it existed to work upon... so I applied myself late in this area...even in a hotspot, the irony of this etc. Is insane. Potential for music -> denied -> even having VGP.... Potential for science and interest -> not nutured Potential for athletic success -> I declined as I liked academia more -> now denied due to injury after having a massive urge to life a healthy life and do fitness etc. (I do it now, yet it's not as athletic anymore) I just never could endure the pain for to long and social pressures and it still get's to me today. I just can't find silver-linings after silverlinings and other patterns like having massive panic before breakthroughs are getting to me. Also at times just simply even beauty and not having attractive girls in my major etc. I am just out of dating I get good advice from someone who can help me to navigate Germany more clearly even as a German I dunno if it is my American genetics, yet I resent this country utterly at an level for beign so neutral and rational it's discriminating and the egaliterian crew is also just not what it is. I just somehow find mostly extremely high IQ people with whom I get along, and who act more like friends, yet they suck socially. Or I get extremely high IQ social people who are running a business and are succesful with girls, yet they barely have time & only help online.

I don't meditate today, because I drank some wine and listen to some Leo videos as I am out of the group and build the portfolio. I listend to the gaslighting episode, it's better to integrate my reality with shadow work and continue with the mindfulness. The point is it's all about success in my reality to a great level, and many are pulling me down by not seeing how important success to me is. Character does not get you success. That is rare. I fear the truth that I am unable to create stuff on my own it scares me the level of independence I need to have etc.

The point is I enjoy all of these concepts and ideas and besides meeting girls I am working on these areas. I can't go to hip-hop classes due to injury. I notice other notice and I loose status and everything is focused on ressources, intelligence, charm and power and simply masculine energy I don't enjoy how often growth has been taken for me and it really messes with mental health The entire topic of mental health is an issue of itself as I get discluded and they presume higher energy etc. I find it also difficult with the notion of egalterian stuff and white academic girls I find it tricky to express my personality, they don't realize their level of discrimination and act extremely sensetivy and like a type of nazi police at times, I don't even know how to date this, as they subtely abuse power and I notice this and find it appaling some of them. I made so many changes I am just confused as I did so much work, I have no idea where I stand as a lot of human identity is derived from them over who they are at work and I am just a student currently looking for a working student position, to consistently think oh I have no value etc. I am unsure if I express my personality I am to nice, learning to become a player I feel like becoming extremely toxic and like Andrew Tate as these subtle manipulations at times above. I just find it hard to see how fked the dating situation is for a 20 year old guy and everything is about work and providing the whole time. What I just notice is how hierachy and scientific thinking and socialism are very toxic. There was one video showing dating in your 30's can be awesome I dunno I don't feel well socially as a lot of activites are just not in my natural habtitat of masculine energy.... I did so much pd, and still I am so lost I don't enjoy how heavy girls project the provider frame onto me and beign elite etc. As well as how heavy this blends into a professional live etc. and the guilt trip to work harder etc, then various stereotypes with Germans, I checked multiple psychologist they don't work on multiple notions that are important and fundamentally all have the same insight, move your body and exercise get out anger etc. As well as I move inside etc. The point is I've been shamed for personality traits I'd naturally have out of this meritocracy idea, and indepedent single type girl stuff, and a lot rub this off, as my nervous system is simply affected by it. I can't explain otherwise. As well as my social skills are also only asking about work related stuff, getting into my body involves a lot of pain I have no idea how to meet without just beign physical 90% of the time. Many are worse and I never had to fortunate opportunity to meet girls in groups, as I reject a lot the provider notion and status etc. Just by what I enjoy in types of music etc. I dunno if I should just push my career and be on this "sigma grind" as I don't enjoy human activity a lot of times anymore, I know it's a bit toxic, yet I really value excellence at a level of freedom&autonomey I thought about replacing the value even entirely. The point for me is dependabillity and power are projections I consistently get, and other wish and I don't enjoy this to much, unsure what to do as a lot of girls are extremely toxic themselves and up their value through subtle manipulations of acting egaliterian while they missuse power to gain mates and somehow I attract these types, as my identity is unique in itself, they just come and expect some super authenticity I only get with extremely open and vulnerable people who notice how they contribute to discrimination or experienced a lot of it also. It's also mostly asian girls and guys I get a deeper personality type of connection, yet the "white power dynamic" is often very obvious when I don't use "beauty & strength" in a way. I dunno I did so many things, I focus on creating more work type relationships and connections I can't assess my personality properly even with billions amounts of work I find it heavy how backwards seeming "forward thinking" people are. Anyway thanks.... the podcast was quiet good from Dr.Tian I enjoy the guy, yet I notice for me everytime without having asian friends to a level I am fking lost. I don't know why, as well as many are not that open and the balance and egaltieran thinking is an extrem issue I don't know how to overcome as I don't benefit as much as many believe from egalterian type thinking. It just gives me some access. I dunno anyway...

Last two girls before I go revisit some stuff, and upgrade I am not really manifesting and I am not applying the game directly I am beign unsocial and uncalibrated in a sense instead of fun chill and aloof and to judgemental. It still feels as though I am not exactly where I am at, and I don't know exactly what to do and I could have simply to much negative energy, if I get into a space where I have more fun I get more girls and social stuff alike, the issue is the subtle mechanisms of hypergamy as well as how ridiculously good these people are and to many opinions. --- I just re-focus on myself and delete alll apps and use career networking to be social and create some stuff and ask some questions....

Let's see I killed the vine, I do have to take pratical measures and upload stuff I lost a lot of intellectual drive because of arrogance and I don't find similar visionaries they also don't care. They just do mostly. I definitely get matches, yet I just have to take new pictures & stuff, main issue beign just having more girls as soon as I get one match I loose all interest in game & stuff. I'll see what happens I just leave it for now a bit, this is the last post as the holiday ended. I am not very happy where I am at, and generally without deep conscious experience.... every retreat I took made me 15-20x happier than doing game etc. The point is doing stuff consciously the group is annoying with it's evolutionary purposes, yet it's so rampant somehow I attract also mostly the opposite of this. So I'll use some techniques and leave out the toxic stuff. If our whole goal is to reproduce you might as well just finally end me, this is the stupidest notion I have ever encountered, yet I can't deny survival. I don't get much joy out of intellectualism, I don't feel like they would take me seriously here, as they lack "philosophy", they are just workers. I am sleeping gn8... Hope the plan will workout... and I am out of this mostly.

Endless arms race in a sense...it's impossible it's better tha the u.s and european "higher developemt countries" have the aptitude to use the technology, and set an example for good so others won't blindlessly follow, yet China is going insane I dunno they created an artifical sun apparently. The question is will machines govern us at one point and will we become machines? I dunno how far a single evolutionary algorithm could go. As well as how much behaviour freedom an A.I has if it uses neural networks and "millions" of algorithms that optimize solutions. I feel it's just panic unneccsarily and unfortunately an neccessary means to create this. Someone needs to have power. There should definitely be defense mechanism, yet I am also not apt to talk about this and we barely do, no one ever did so far what surprises me besides at the worser university where I was at, they talked all about the potential dangers I dunno why.

I am the only one who is in my way, I fall back to this security seeking pattern. I never thought about creating security through my own efforts by instantiating myself into some industry or art of work. I will just do that more and create this portfolio ...I feel scammed by taking courses I was unable to finish etc. and the offers etc. Yeah I did not know this as they were all focused to have that one good project....art shows you differently usually... so I am surprised by how practicallity can be in my way... yet I am in my own way currently. This is what I did not realize, I just do this also as a social reward and networking I might delete all dating apps also it's horrible atm. This popped up I never watched this. I just notice how badly badly I need to this the art of seduction etc. Also these algorithms are not in my favour and these girls just yearn for kids in their dating profile, and nobody is going to practically give it to them, as they take it for granted and guys also want more than the average stuff. It's insane travel is most likely the most common denominator. I am out of all dating apps if this one also does not reply and just foucs on creating social rewards via networking on Linkedin & Insta and just jerk off etc. The pictures are also now to old to use them properly I could have had 3 dates, so I can't complain yet it's not the kind of girls I'd like to have. I hope the new training plan will do the trick etc. I just upload everything I see when an invidiual not a robot looks at my profile all of this would have been worth it, If many would not subtely guilt shame and legit build character even the girls perspective is correct the issue is charcter is also not there to pro-create only it's so harsh to see this when a girl reaches her thirties I will cry a lot when my mother is gone, as she is a good human at blue etc. yet she just lacks higher development it's unfortunate to see I made her laugh also again with my rascal identity and it's a good feeling to say this stuff, yet I have to make exaggerated self-references I love this. This level of narccism is also fun. I am out and will upload everything I learn etc & focus on beign social instead of online stuff. I made my current research.

This definitely is the best I can do and I might pay for some courses to do it on the side, I looked up what is worth it and I have a track of a certificate, yet I definitely have to talk about the career thing 100%.

All in all despite all mistakes I am doing well. In some manner, the point is developing and putting a bomb linkedin and online portfolio I was training so hard for "not only online-dating", yet spiritual growth etc. I was mildly at a coral type experience it felt like a mild psychdelic to do this and get out the sort of "anger&hatred" and digest it internally and through external matters. If I get to it I do a shaow work session I will now code etc... Given my personality I should be able to attract some stuff, I jsut have to put in the hard work now. *sigh* I dunno what skill I built etc. I hope I can still move to the u.s and finally get laid more... etc. The point is going out and approaching is hard and as a student in IT the plan is totally whack currently I can approach in the tube, while grocery shopping and just online all strategy the whole time.... Social circle is so unskilled it's horrible.

01:48:08 Psychedelics: Therapeutic Breakthroughs & Depression 01:56:37 Combining Psilocybin Therapy & Talk Therapy, Antidepressant Effects I don't know how often I suggested this and they were open to it, just unschooled, it's incredible how far trauma goes if you take 20+ doses of LSD, and do activities you enjoyed as a kid etc. I never heard of the term maladaptive wiring also, *sigh* with a bit more mathematics I could have modled neurons and stuff like this, yet it get's so heavy in survival territory and I did not have a proper opportunity my hometown is actually fking excellent, I just messed up tremendously and the panic & shame scolding of Germans could be a topic, like you grew up in the south of the u.s. I'll code now on the course etc. Enact the vision etc. *sigh* I wish I would have had the power, yet everything was fking closed that helped me. Thanks to covid. I'll drink the last coffee & code then do mathematics etc. Tomorrow I have a new appointment again for the gym, just with a check-up and some feedback. I wrote to the career service my "old" vision is pratically still alive I just find it tricky to do game, without the orange liberterian stuff as this as masculine energy is dominating the whole planet. I could read more, I'll code read 1h and then code and do mathematics etc. So I post in my insta etc. I certainly chilled a bit to much today and building the whole time is simply better. The gym where I am at, I also basically have a new female friend, so I might party etc. I just have to see and talk her up at one point etc.