Liam Johnson
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Entry 279 | Long-term Passion ≠ Short-term Passion
Theory: Being passionate over the course of the long term doesn't always guarantee that every day will be filled with passion.
Applying it: Reassure yourself during difficult times that just because you don't feel passionate or excited in the short term doesn't mean that you aren't being passionate in the long term.
This little nugget of information came as a side note in one of the Life Purpose Course videos. I had never made this distinction before. Feels like I've been missing out! There have been loads of times in the past where thoughts of quitting entered my mind. There have also been so many times (even recently) where the thought of playing guitar just felt like the most dull and boring thing to do in the world. It happens. And it's fine. Because it goes to show that passion in the short term can be very low sometimes.
Maybe I've already talked about how few guitar compositions I wrote during the recent time when I started this journal. University felt like it was getting in the way. My passions were being expressed through the music work they had me doing rather than through work of my own choosing. Now I've made the big commitment to double down on the guitar as my life purpose, it's been easier to come up with compositions over the last few months and far more enjoyable. The guitar has never felt so comfortable to play as it does now. My long-term passion for playing the guitar has prevailed.
This distinction can bring lots of perspective whenever you feel you have a shitty period of time where it feels like you've made no progress (or perhaps even undone progress). They happen. And it's natural that they happen. So especially in the beginning phases of implementing massive change, it's a good thing to remember in difficult times. My diet and exercise routine have kinda gone to shit over the last few weeks. But I genuinely desire to get back on track and I know that I will do that. After 20 years of not giving a shit about these things, it's going to take a lot more than 1 year to turn it all around for good.
When you feel passion in the long term, you don't get tricked into believing that you're lack of short-term passion is a bad thing. It's part of the process.
'Pick' of the day:
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Entry 278 | Prejudice
Theory: Prejudice comes from your inability to be present and accepting of what you are.
Applying it: Whenever you feel as though you ought to be a certain way, stop and be present of what you are. Be accepting of what you authentically want to become so that you can be accepting of what others authentically want to become too.
During a dyad session today with my partner, one of the instructions I gave to him was "tell me what prejudice is." Before asking the question, thoughts started triggering like "I already know what prejudice is." But I went ahead and did it anyway. The response he gave was interesting because he said that you are prejudice against yourself first and foremost, and then you develop prejudice against others. This intrigued me so I probed at it even more.
He started talking about how you can develop certain prejudices regarding your emotions. So if a male were to think that he ought not to be weak because of his gender, he would then try to suppress it and deny its presence. He could then end up treating himself badly for feeling the way he feels. Then that could mean that if he comes into contact with another man who shows signs of weakness, he would then be very quick to ridicule them and mistreat them for being that way.
What's interesting is that with the definition that my partner gave, he never once attributed prejudice to appearance. While this could look like he forgot about the whole deal with racism, religion and other such prejudices that seem to be appearance-based, perhaps it was deliberate. Maybe even those kinds of prejudices stem from something deeper than the appearances themselves. If a white person feels that a human being cannot be black, then that person will have an incredibly hard time trying to change his belief systems. On the other hand, they could just be prejudice instead.
Ultimately, the message was that the source of all prejudice comes from the inability to be loving of your existence. Loving, in this sense, means unconditional acceptance for what is. The source of all evil is, after all, never the thing you are prejudice against but the thing causing the prejudice: yourself.
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Entry 277 | Drudgery
Theory: No matter how much you love your art and how excited you are by it, you will always have to do boring, frustrating work to make it happen.
Applying it: Whenever you come into contact with this kind of work, be accepting of the monotony and surrender to your practice.
I'm slowly chipping away at the Life Purpose Course even though I'm pretty confident in what it is right now. The cool thing about this course so far is that it has shed some light on some really important concepts to remember in times of doubt, frustration and especially in times of drudgery. That was today's topic (I'm going through one section per day because it's important not to rush). Drudgery is the heavy lifting work that has to be done in order to reach a state of mastery.
Speaking of mastery, George Leonard describes the concept of the plateau in his book called Mastery. The plateau is a long period of time where it feels like you're doing loads of work and gaining nothing in return. As a musician, this is something I've had to live with for a long time. Perhaps it's something I've become numb to for learning music, but I certainly feel it in other places in my life. It's so easy to talk yourself into quitting when all hope looks lost. When in actual fact, you can learn an awful lot when you commit to staying on the plateau indefinitely.
There were lots of years in the beginning stages where I had to put up with the fact that I couldn't play my favourite songs. My skills weren't as good as my guitar idols. It could've been so easy to quit, but one belief kept me going through the drudgery: "if they can do it, so can I." Staying on the plateau long enough means that you will inevitably reach a growth spurt in learning and success. And staying on it for decades can lead you to mastery of an instrument, for example.
Drudgery is the unexciting part of being a musician. It's the thousands of hours of practice that goes into every performance of a piece of music. The hundreds of thousands of repetitions of scales, chords and bars of music. It's all of that "boring" work that people don't see and don't appreciate. And yet after years of doing it, the same "boring" work in fact can bring more joy than an actual performance.
Thrills are the spice of life. Drudgery is the food for the spice to rest on.
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Entry 276 | Dream in a Dream in a Dream in a Dream in a Dream - Report
Last night, I had an incredibly deep sleep and deep dreams. I could feel this dream coming for several days leading up to it due to the heavy amount of resistance that I felt during the day. It threw all notions of myself out of the window with the force of a thousand freight trains. It partially traumatised me as it happened but it blew open my mind to accept the truth about self.
A good bulk of the dream came at the start and lasted nearly to the end. It was a pretty standard kinda dream. But the amazing thing about it was that it felt so vivid and highly detailed that it genuinely felt like reality. I went through the dream believing myself to be the body and mind wandering through that reality. Then I woke up. It was dark and I could hear my mum talking and laughing away in the conservatory with another woman (no idea who she was). I looked at my phone and learned that it was past 4am.
This felt kinda strange. Why would mum be talking to some strange woman at this time of night? Then a few moments later, I noticed a furry creature at the bottom of my bed. I thought it was our dog, Isa. But it turned out to be a ginger cat (kinda like Puss In Boots from the Shrek movies without the clothing). This cat was angry and ready to kill me. As it leaped on the bed and started to attack me, I quickly got the upper hand by grabbing its throat and preventing it from doing any damage.
At this point, I was well aware that this was still part of the dream. So I slapped myself in the face to wake up, which I did. Once again, the room was dark and it was past 4am on my phone. I felt such relief as I realised that the previous reality was fake and that it wasn't the real "me." But something didn't feel right once again. I looked at my phone and discovered that the time was being displayed above the screen instead of on it. This isn't the real me either?
So I went and slapped myself in the face again as the fear and terror grew within me. This time I woke up, still feeling the exact same emotions as before. Still feeling just as strange as before, I was convinced that this was not the real "me" either without needing to look at my phone. It was terrifying to think that no matter how real each dream state felt, it wasn't the real "me" because I wasn't fully awake.
Then after one final slap to the face, I managed to wake myself legitimately. This felt more real than before, and there was a slither of daylight peeking from behind the curtains. My phone screen read 7:12am and I could see, hear, and feel things with more sensitivity. But even though it felt more realistic, I still felt strange. It terrified me that this was a dream state as well. This wasn't the real me. I even slapped myself in the face to see if I'd wake up again. And just like every other slap to the face I received in the dream, I didn't suffer from it. It was as if the pain of the slap and the observer of the slap was separate.
Then the dialogue ran through my mind: What if this isn't the real "me?" What grounds do I have to say that this reality is real? I can't trust my senses because they deceived me in the dream states. Those realities felt just as real as this one. Likewise, I can't trust my inner senses (thoughts, feelings, imagination) because those were in tact during the alternate realities and deceived me as well. But this feels more real. But how does it feel more real? Just because the senses feel more precise and accurate? They seem more lifelike? But they are still the same senses, no matter what degree of accuracy they hold, that fooled you into thinking that the real "me" was in the dreamed realities.
So much insight has come from this dream. The fact that this mind and body certainly is not the real "me." There is no real "me." Because the thing that observes the senses in this reality is the same thing that observes every sense in every other reality. There's no separation between these realities. They are all part of one reality. The walls of this universe are no more solid than the walls of any other universe. This body can get slapped around all it wants but the root of its being is untouchable.
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Entry 275 | Becoming Immersed
Theory: When you first try and do something productive, it feels uncomfortable and unlikely that you will become comfortable. But it only takes a little persistence to push through and become immersed in the activity that you're doing.
Applying it: Accept that no matter how uncomfortable or unnatural things may seem at first when you're striving towards change or improvement, you will eventually reach a state of immersion that feels gratifying.
Even though I've been playing guitar for over 10 years, there are still some days when I pick up the instrument and it feels kinda alien and uncomfortable to begin with. On the surface level, it feels like you've taken a step backward in terms of improvement. But actually, it only takes that little bit of extra determination to transcend the initial discomforts. It happened for me today. I started playing a piece I've been practicing on and off for a few months and it felt difficult to make it sound good. But with more practice, it quickly returned to my fingertips.
This kinda makes me think of self-actualization work. Yesterday and the day before, it felt like I had taken some steps back in terms of overall improvement. My diet, exercise routine, practice routine, and other good habits seemed to fall out of place here and there. But looking back, it seems like this was just psychological. In fact, things right now are pretty awesome. Sure they're not perfect, but there's no need to beat myself up about it. And even though going back to the gym feels like an uncomfortable thing to do, I know that the initial discomfort will go away with the practice.
Practice is a really great thing. As a musician, it's the one form of work that never gets old. Every day, I practice something different. Even if it's the same piece day after day, there's always something different to look forward to each time and there's always the possibility to practice in different ways. Same with self-actualization. There are many different ways to approach meditation, exercise, healthy eating, studying and contemplation. It's good to have variety within something specific.
But the bottom line is that it's not worth quitting something just because it feels uncomfortable at first. As a beginner, the discomfort is going to last a hell of a lot longer. And as someone who is no stranger to discomfort in my practice, I can confidently say that the endless joy and mind-blowing rewards will follow if you stay on the path long enough no matter what field of mastery you choose.
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Entry 274 | Happy Birthday Dear Journal
A whole year of journaling. Or at least minus around 91 days where I didn't post a journal! But some were two-parters to make up for it.
It's pretty cool that I've managed to keep this thing going in my life for so long. Especially since I started this journal on a whim because I wanted to learn how to type using a Dvorak keyboard (now I can reach 70 words per minute). It feels like such a long time ago since starting this journal that I no longer remember doing so. Either that suggests that I've come a long way or my memory is super fucked.
But seriously, the challenges I've overcame this last year have been huge. Cleaning up my diet, exercising, learning some of the most difficult guitar pieces for my recital, and the biggest commitment I've ever made in my life: to follow my deepest passions in life. To become a slave to the creative Muse. To allow myself no such luxury of a comfortable 9-5 job that pays lots of money. To become a professional musician no matter what.
And although I'd love to say that I feel super happy reflecting on this stuff, the truth is that I feel emotionally bruised by the process. Especially in the last few months as I've came to terms with life outside of formal education for the first time in my life. It feels harder and harder to grow as I bust through more layers of resistance. "The first year is always the worst" is a teaching that comes to mind. This by far feels like the most difficult challenge in my life so far. And it feels incredibly uncomfortable and painful to think that this might all be for nothing in the end. But it will, of course.
Something inside is clinging to this belief of "me" and "my life" so much so that it is damaging the progress I've made so far. At one time, I was exercising like a boss, eating like a boss, practicing and performing like one too. It feels like some of that work has been undone over the last few weeks and months because I'm still clinging onto this lifestyle. What lifestyle? One that involves constant buffering: TV, YouTube, food, porn, recreation. One that chooses these things over meditation, self-enquiry, journaling, mastery, music practice.
If only it were such an easy thing to just grow effortlessly. But then there would be no reward to the labor. No matter, the fact remains that a lot of cool shit has happened over the last year that I fail to acknowledge. Not necessarily about the things I've done, but about the way the world appears to me now. As much as this process can feel agonising at times, and as much as it feels like I'm back at square one, my outlook feels more determined, persistent, open-minded and aware.
I'm gonna die one day. It's just a matter of whether I will allow myself to accept death before it's time. Death is an ego-related thing after all. The sooner I die, the better life will be.
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Entry 273 | The Immune System Recovery Plan
By Susan Blum
I've had this book a good old while now and never actually got around to reviewing it. This book is especially thorough in it's attempt to help those who have autoimmune conditions. To tell the truth, I just wanted to buy the book because I wanted to clean up my diet. Around the time I bought it, I was getting fed up with having acne into my 20s. My logic was that cleaning up my diet would do the trick (nothing else worked). And now after all these months of trying out the recipes and strategies in this book, it's time to admit that it has worked.
Even though there is a lot of dull theory to read if you want to, the book is organised nicely so that you can jump straight to the recipes, shopping lists, and general health advice with ease. Given the state of my diet when I bought the book, most of the recipes looked like a radical change to be making. Cutting out gluten, dairy, corn, soya and other things was incredibly hard to get used to in the beginning. But I have to say that each recipe that I've tried in this book tastes divine and nutritious.
It also offers advice for controlling stress, eating mindfully, sleeping effectively, multiple self-assessments and treatment plans. My body seems to be reacting a whole lot better than it used to. Last year, I had lots of acne, gas, bloating, indigestion, and seemed to catch colds easily (although the last one could have also been a result of being around uni students!). Now, all of these symptoms have very nearly gone. And even though I never would have believed myself to have an autoimmune disease, it goes to show that the advice this book provides can transform anybody's health.
Perhaps it's just me but a lot of the more theory-based information was very difficult to read and stay interested in. It might be that it doesn't apply to me as much as it would someone with an autoimmune disease. Nevertheless, this book is packed full of wisdom to guide you towards a healthier lifestyle as well as a cleaner diet.
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@Benjamin Jackson Really digging that quote. Keep it up!
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Entry 272 | Time Is Just A Number
Theory: Time is just a construct of the mind. Although it can be useful, living your life in rigid synchronisation with the time can create neurosis.
Applying it: Within reason, stop caring so much about getting things done on time. Focus instead on enjoying the process of doing the thing and learn to regard the time of the end-goal as unimportant.
*Drinking game (if you do such things): take a drink every time the word "time" appears*
Last night was another wedding band gig. With a job like this, you have to ignore the time for the most part if you want to enjoy it. Inner dialogue that goes "it's so damn late" can completely ruin the experience. But fortunately, the high spirits of a wedding make it easy to disregard these thoughts and encourage you to embrace the moment. Because apart from turning up on time and finishing on time, the rest of the night really ought to be free of worry to enjoy it.
When you focus on enjoying the process of doing the task in hand, you naturally forget about the time. This happens all the time with music practice. Even an art form which requires you to play "in time" can have complete disregard for "the time." For me, the music practice that I do is so inspiring and captivating that it really doesn't matter how long it goes on for or what time of day it occupies.
And it's those moments where you forget about time that you find yourself in a state of flow. Everything just becomes effortless. Even something like watching a movie has this effect. You become so enthralled in the action that the concept of time is left with no place in your mind to make its presence known. The moment becomes timeless.
And that's why it felt so good to be gigging until midnight and driving back home by 3am last night. The moment was far too exciting.
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Entry 271 | The Compelling Vision
Theory: The biggest motivation you can have in your life is a compelling motivation.
Applying it: Even if you think you have your vision, ask yourself "Just how much is this vision motivating my life?" If it's only just motivating you, perhaps you ought to consider redefining it (but maybe not changing it).
Back when I was around 12 or 13, I created the ultimate vision for my future. I was gonna become the best guitarist on the planet as far as my life was concerned. Every day, I'd chase this fame by practicing every day for many hours and, sure as hell, my expertise on the instrument became tremendously increased. Once I reached university, no longer was I the outcast kid whose only friends were the other outcast kids. Instead, everybody started to respect me, offer their hand of friendship to me, even create a reputation for me.
It felt so awesome to finally be a "popular" guy. So awesome, in fact, that I decided to enjoy this new life by indulging in all sorts of fun activities. Gigging with friends, supporting their gigs too, going on road trips, having meals out, going to socials, etc. Even though I was no party animal, it was the closest thing to it in my life so far. Yet despite how wonderful it all felt, I noticed that my guitar practice was slipping. I was spending more time rehearsing for concerts than I was legitimately practicing. Or in other words, perfecting the craft of playing the guitar.
I can appreciate now that my reasons for wanting to become a better guitar player were all survival-based and ego-driven. Last year was kinda different because it was the year of my big recital. That gave me loads of time to practice the fuck out of my instrument and it paid off big time in the end. But since that recital, my motivation stopped once again. And it's easy to see why: it's because my motivation came from a vision that was 'end-result' oriented. It always had been. It was never tailored to something outside of that.
Which is why I kinda feel that this is a turning point in life now. I can see that creating a vision for some other end-result is just pointless as far as happiness is concerned. The vision that I need now is something far greater than that. It's far beyond any hopes of accomplishment and achievement. And that vision is only just beginning to emerge. If this vision could be actualised, it will become the most beautiful and divine thing imaginable. It's the vision to be completely manifested by the creative Muse. To become an embodiment of music.
This vision is certainly far more compelling than any materialist vision could come up with and I actually buy that now. As said yesterday, it's all about music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music.
Right now, I feel exactly as I did as that 12 or 13 year old who decided to commit to something far more special than what is in front of him. Love, determination, passion, excitement, and persistence. Now I get it.
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Entry 270 | Reflection
There's no other way I can sum up how the last few weeks have been: inspiring.
My mindset has changed pretty dramatically in recent times. It feels so uplifting to commit to something and burn bridges behind me. I've finally realised that physical death really is the end-result of any mission in life. In a sense, there really is no need to look after the life that I have right now. There's no need to look after this body, this mind, it's associated bank account, it's home, etc. There really is no point! NONE! What's more mind-blowing for me is that this feels liberating.
Seriously, to hell with the materialist way of life. There's only one thing worth living for in this life and it's musical mastery. I discovered that at around 12 or 13 years old. Maybe over the years, that discovery became lost. But not any more. It truly is the only thing worth living for. I'm compelled to find out just how much juice I can pull out of the creative Muse. Just how much can a human being become a master musician?
The vision is really strong for me right now. And for the first time, it's not about me. Instead of envisioning a life where I get to perform gigs across the world and produce lots of CDs and stuff, this vision is far more compelling. It might not even be possible. But I strongly believe that this body and mind was the ultimate magnet for a very particular kind of art form to express itself. My life purpose is to allow this Muse to manifest itself as much as possible into this life. And today, I managed to get a taster of what that would be like.
Last night, I surrendered to my self-expression which lead to me doing artsy doodles on my whiteboard and making up little games to play on my own. Then as I surrendered to the very same thing today as I let my fingertips explore the guitar for around 6 hours, leading to a new composition idea. Then I took these things to my partner and we played around with them even more.
But every time "I" do something or act in some way, of course it means that surrender is not 100% just yet. It's a hell of a lot more than before, granted. But there's still a notion clinging onto the "here I am, this is me" paradigm. But with this updated vision (which involves the sacrifice of myself for a divine manifestation of the creative Muse that steers the body and mind), perhaps this idea can be set free.
There's still some programming to be done on the subconscious mind but things are looking pretty darn good right now. Worries about money and success are becoming less and less. All that is at the forefront of the conscious mind is this vision: to surrender this body and mind (this life) to the creative Muse. It wants to be a master musician and performer, not me. Personally, I just want to watch YouTube videos and eat chocolate avocado puddings all day (seriously though, look it up if you haven't already).
Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music.
Oh and er....
MUSIC!
That's the vision. That's the reason worth living for. That's the most noble gift that this life can offer. Except it's not just going to be music. It's going to be the ultimate way to celebrate life. The ultimate form of gratitude possible for this body and this mind. And that's why it doesn't matter how much money I make. It doesn't matter how much music I create, how many concerts I perform, or even how I'm going to survive. Survival can take care of itself because if God (the Divine Source of Life, the Muse, the Nothingness, the Infinite Intelligence) decides that there's something more it needs to create, then it will provide survival for this body and mind in order for it to create what it wants.
The goal is music. The vision is music. The result is going to be music. Here's a spoiler about how this life is going to turn out: it's going to create music.
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@jjer94 Thanks for the continued support!
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Entry 269 | Refining My Life Purpose
Theory: Describing life purpose is not as simple as describing a job description. It stems from what you authentically desire as a human being and how you want to do your work.
Applying it: Instead of trying to prove to everybody that you are worthy of some end-goal that you envision for yourself, focus on your desires for what you want out of the present moment. What do you want to accomplish now?
So I'm a fair way through the Life Purpose Course now. And although I went in with a solid idea of what my life purpose is about, I feel myself becoming even more conscious of it on a daily basis. It's slowly taking centre-stage in my life. Having said that, I have felt moments of emptiness in my life recently. Lots of self-doubt about whether music truly is my life purpose sprung to mind. And my inaction proves that there was something missing. Some important thing that I needed to be conscious of in my life. After a resistance-filled meditation session today, I discovered what it was.
For me, it was my life purpose: to create music. It's a broad definition which covers performance, composition, songwriting, improvising, and everything under the "professional musician" tick list. The reason why I felt kinda empty now and then was because I could effortlessly remember my vision for the future (which has remained strong for around 9 years) and could see that my life still didn't reflect that after all this time. I was too focused on becoming the professional guitarist of my dreams. The one who could travel around the world and perform shows and write albums without worry of money.
I forgot what drew me into music in the first place. And in some ways, it's hard to describe why I love music so much more than anything else. Maths and Spanish also really hooked me in sixth form, but there was something special about music. For me, the musician's life is such a wonderful metaphor for how I envision "the perfect life." It was also far easier for me to connect with other individuals in a musical way rather than a straight-forward talky way. When I was a broken teenager, music was my first aid.
So I reconnected with my joy for blasting out music on the guitar today. Not with some end-goal in mind. Not to write a piece of music to prove my worthiness. Not to share with anybody and show them how great I am (urgh). But just because I can. Because I want to. It's not everybody that wakes up every morning with the skill of playing guitar. And sure, there are many other skills in life which I suck at. But it doesn't matter in the end. My musical skill is so much better than the rest of my skills that it completes the feeling of lack and emptiness within me.
Without music, my soul would be crushed under the weight of knowing that the rest of me is mediocre.
Pick of the day:
(the song that planted the seed for my vision to be a pro guitarist)
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Entry 268 | Learning From Yourself
Theory: No matter what lessons you learn, you will always need to be reminded of them in the future.
Applying it: As soon as you receive an insight or nugget of wisdom, save it as quickly as you can by writing it down or typing it into a commonplace book. Then as it accumulates, read back on previous entries and rediscover what you have learnt.
When Leo made the video about keeping the ultimate journal or commonplace book, I remember thinking "this is exactly what I need to learn." As soon as I watched it, I took immediate action on producing a commonplace book using Onenote on my MacBook Pro. I have it open all of the time on a separate desktop which I can swipe to in an instant. Inside it are the goals I set for myself, the ideas I have for the future, composition ideas, music recommendations, teaching notes, book notes, product notes, quotes, and a wide variety of journals to cover food, money, meditation, dyads, online activity, puns (because they are important too), and last but not least, my self-actualization journal. THIS one.
The cool thing about copying all of my previous entries into Onenote is that I can perform keyword searches to include them. It's going to be a long old while before I get every single entry I've ever made into it but it'll be worth it, as I found out the other day. On the subject of fear, I found myself suddenly focusing on the fears I had and worrying about them. So to give me inspiration, I performed a keyword search on my entire notebook for the word "fear." This covered all the book and product notes I've put into it so far (admittedly not as many as I'd like right now) and also my previous journal entries.
The best piece of advice I found was one from my own journal written a few weeks ago. Not to blow my own trumpet, but it made me realise that I actually get in touch with some genuine wisdom as I do these journal entries. This nugget of wisdom about freedom was very simple and comes from Entry 251:
QuoteSo long as you are resisting the fears and anxieties within you, they become stronger.
A very simple, yet overlooked truth. Acceptance is the truest way to deal with any fear or anxiety. The willingness to be present with them, rather than running away from them, is the ability which allows you to conquer it.
So when you learn something for the first time, don't feel enlightened. Only when you are reminded of the fact over and over again until you can't forget it should you then become enlightened.
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Entry 267 | Complete Surrender
Theory: True self-expression comes from the complete absence of resistance.
Applying it: Try to raise your consciousness to become aware of all the ways that you resist the present moment. Then have the courage to completely surrender to it.
Quote“You can’t make your music good. You can’t try to be good. You can try to be present and you can try to remain open so what is going to speak to you can speak through you.”
This quote comes from my biggest musical hero, Michael Hedges. This guy was so unlike anyone I had encountered before whilst studying guitar players that it made me realise that there was something special about his way of being. And come to think of it, the reason why he is so different is because he completely surrendered to his creative Muse. Michael was the kinda guy who would spin around whilst playing guitar, combine yoga and poetry to produce a performance, wore unusual items of clothing like dog collars, wizard hats, and kitchen appliances on his head.
This was all in the final years of his life before he tragically died in a car accident. But if you study into his past, you can find YouTube videos of his performances some 15+ years earlier back when he was an undiscovered artist. This version of Michael seemed incredibly shy and resistant, playing on tiny stages to tiny audiences. Clearly, there's value in surrendering to your authentic passions and desires. But also it takes great courage. It's the most vulnerable position you could put yourself in, opening yourself up to hate and criticism.
Over the weekend, I managed to completely surrender to my authentic self in the company of my partner. I traveled up on the first day and we had a wonderful evening together which left me feel incredibly joyful. So much so that I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. And so the many thoughts of "oh that'd be weird" came up to try and prevent me from doing so, but I surrendered myself to that desire to express my true feelings. We sat on the bed facing each other and I just allowed myself to laugh and cry tears of joy for a good 40 minutes. He allowed me the space to just express myself and my love for the present moment without asking questions.
This moment was one of the most profound of my entire year and almost my whole life. To be totally absorbed in love for the present moment was the most beautiful state of being I've ever experienced: love for this body, love for his body, love for our connection, love for the room, love for the space we were in. And the kicker realisation was that of all the possible realities in all that is Infinite, it made me conscious of just how special it is to be conscious of this one right now.
Love will always prevail over resistance. Complete surrender to resistance means complete surrender to love.
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Thanks @Scarecrow , glad you're benefitting from it
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Entry 266 | Desire to Get vs Desire to Give
Theory: Situations which allow you to give your gifts bring you the most satisfaction, not the ones which get you gifts.
Applying it: Completely let go of the desire for possession and be willing to accept that what is yours is everybody's.
It's hard to say when my mindset reverted to giving more than getting. At one time of life, I was passionate about getting recognition, friends, money, and even getting mastery (of the guitar). But no matter how much you deny it, the time will always come when you must ask "okay, so how do I use this?" or "what do I do with this?" At which point, you discover that the best thing you can do with any of your possessions is to give them out. By possessions, I mean anything of value that you consider to be your own. This could be physical things such as objects, money, etc., or it could be more imaginary/spiritual things like relationships, knowledge, wisdom, experiences, memories, etc.
I've found myself wanting to give out more of my gifts along this journey. The lessons and insights I've learned in the past year alone have blown my mind wide open and changed my life for so much better. In a sense, I feel more qualified to share my music and wisdom, even though the limiting thought of "but I'm too young and inexperienced, right?" has cropped up so many times. Sure, job experience might be lacklustre compared to many. But life experience has been incredibly rich over the last 21.5 years.
I've laughed, cried, shouted, cowered, chased, ran away, smiled, and fumbled my way through life pretty spectacularly up until now (not dead yet). Not only have I felt excruciating pain and suffering in the past, but also ecstatic joy and euphoria beyond words. What's more, this self-actualization has allowed me to engineer ecstatic joy and euphoria, which has deepened my understanding of how the mind works and how life works. Being more conscious of the success principles have also made me better appreciate how lucky I was in creating this musical lifestyle as a teenager (whilst feeling incredibly depressed at the same time).
It's still a little nerve-wracking to consider making YouTube videos where I share some of the wisdom I've discovered on this journey. And perhaps it'll attract some hate from people saying that I'm too much of a naive youngster. But I can't deny that the study of self-actualization is really fascinating me at this time. And the better I understand it, the more able I could then be to articulate some of the wisdom I've accumulated as a musician. Perhaps that's why I'm here in the first place. Not to become a life coach or self-actualization teacher but simply to deepen my love for music.
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Entry 265 | Practicing Music and Practicing Habits
Theory: There's a strong similarity between practicing different pieces on your musical instrument and practicing habits in your daily life.
Applying it: Realise that it's okay if you forget to practice and old piece or habit recently. It doesn't take much catching up to recapture your level of mastery.
So massive thanks to Leo for that cheeky message first of all! It's awesome at this point in my life to be assured that the path ahead is not the wrong one. But I love the irony that I failed to commit 100% to keeping up my journalling habit for a few days! I was actually really ill the day after posting that entry and didn't feel all too willing to be as present as normal. But here goes another try!
I've noticed that there's a huge connection between practicing pieces of music and practicing certain habits in your life. As a musician, I've learned to play hundreds (maybe thousands) of pieces in the past. But many of those pieces are out of practice. I wouldn't be able to play them to you now without going through a short period of catching up beforehand. And the great thing about 'catching up' is that it takes so much less time than the time I spend learning the piece for the first time.
The same thing can be said for habits. Last year, I used to get up at 7 every morning without fail. I used to be able to hold my breath and swim around 25m underwater. I used to play golf. And I earned a black belt in karate. Does that mean I still have those habits and skills right now? Of course not. But the fortunate thing is that it's only a case of 'catching up' that needs to happen if I want to install these habits once again. I still know lots of karate moves, golf technique, pretty good lung capacity and enough positivity to get up at 7 without whining like a bitch. The potential is still there because it has been discovered before, rather than new habits and levels of mastery which test your undiscovered potential.
Also, there's the different aspects of practice to consider. There's the practice of playing a piece of music and playing the instrument itself. There's the practice of installing healthy habits and creating a healthy life in itself. While in both cases it may feel like you are 'catching up' with the former, you are still learning how to master the latter. Just because you have to re-practice old pieces of music doesn't mean that you are failing to master your instrument. Likewise, just because you feel like you have to constantly re-practice your healthy habits doesn't mean that you are failing to master yourself.
Every recommitment to the practice is a step away from quitting and a step toward mastery.
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Entry 264 | 100% Commitment
Theory: Any commitment less than 100% actually makes it impossible to create everlasting change.
Applying it: If you really want to install healthy habits to your everyday life, you have to commit to the change 100%. Be decisive and choose to follow through on your commitments because there really ought to be no alternative. Take massive action.
This last month has been especially big on commitments for me. It's exciting to be honest. First of all, a relationship. Next, the Life Purpose Course. Then it was the Wiimote video (which is finally up for all to see!). But perhaps the biggest commitment I've made in my life so far: signing up for Tommy Emmanuel's Guitar Camp in Scotland. Tommy Emmanuel is considered to be one of the greatest acoustic guitarists living at the moment and he is holding a retreat in Scotland for players to learn from him, play for each other, and play together.
So much money has left my bank account this month (feels like around 25% of my total amount). I really ought to be shit scared and part of me is. But the other part of me knows that I've made 100% commitments to improve as a guitar player and as a human being. It feels great knowing that the money that I spend doesn't go on things like alcohol, drugs, pointless holidays etc. It's all been invested in personal growth. Why? Because the more you grow yourself, the more you can influence others to grow with you.
There are still lots of areas in my life that need complete commitment in order to produce the change. My habits have been slipping really badly. Meditation, gym, healthy eating, journalling, reading, reflecting, contemplating... It's all gone a bit tits up really. Somewhere in my psyche, there's a belief clinging for dear life that says "I don't want to change. Change is bad. I'm not worthy of growing my own happiness levels. Isn't that selfish?" After almost a year of committing 100% to the self-actualization path, I can now appreciate just how difficult it is to create transformative change.
It's about time I committed 100% to the positive habits I've spend months cultivating. Clearly 95% wasn't enough.
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Entry 263 | The Rut Of Making Excuses
Theory: We are incredibly good at making excuses for our (lack of) actions. So good that it becomes so well-practiced that it's very difficult to break.
Applying it: Every time you notice yourself making excuses for our (lack of) actions, don't condemn yourself. Instead, be understanding and accepting that this habit is more engrained in your psyche than you may have thought. Then use that positive energy to fuel the change you want to make.
Excuses are fun. Be honest. When was the last time you told yourself to put off the gym for another day? Sometime this week? Only a fool would try and pretend that this option never occurred to them. Often, I follow the excuse up with phrases such as "I could be doing something more productive" or "there's more important things to worry about than my own fitness." But just because excuses are fun doesn't mean they solve any problems. Like sticking masking tape on a crack in the wall, the habit has no healing properties about it.
Excuses are incredibly difficult to stop making. Not only do we practice this art form unconsciously, but we convince ourselves that we are doing the right thing. That's the thing about any kind of practice. The longer you do it, the more true it feels to you that you keep going along with it. I've been playing guitar for over a decade now. The very idea of hanging it on the wall forever and quitting seems ridiculous. That's also exactly how I felt about eating chocolate. I ate it for over a decade during childhood that it felt almost impossible to give it up. But my diet today is radically different. I make no excuses about the food I eat. Chocolate is a luxury for me now, not a necessity. And in the future, it may become a thing of the past.
So what changed? How did one form of practice remain strong while the other died away? One word: can you guess it? This thing maintains my passion for playing guitar. It guides my practice and influences my compositions. It's also the reason why many types of junk food, that I once used to love eating, suddenly became toxic. It's the thing that converted me into a vegetable-loving health junkie. It's the thing that gets me to the gym on time. It's the thing that motivates all of my actions, feelings and thoughts.
Vision.
My vision changed. Not only do I want to grow up to be a professional guitar player, but I also envision a healthy, well-exercised body. One that's full of energy. And a mind that's just as healthy. Never letting the negativity of the world penetrate my subconscious mind and create depression, anxiety and fear. Never expressing hate but only love for the world. And the more I focus on it, the more secure I feel spiritually.
A strong vision of a healthy future can dismantle any shoddy excuse the Ego could come up with.
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Entry 262 | Money Is Just Math
Theory: Believing that money is just math can transform your ability to love the concept of money.
Applying it: Rather than believing the common beliefs about money, entertain the idea that making money is just a math problem. It's a far more optimistic belief to have than the default beliefs.
Today, I was using a salary calculator online to investigate just how much money I would need to earn in order to live autonomously. After taking into account how much money would be ideal for me to earn each year and many hours per week would be ideal for me to work, I entered my preferences to the website and realised that this could be totally possible for me. In order to earn £20,000 per year, there are quite a lot of possibilities: work 35hrs per week for £14 per hour, 25hrs / week for £20/hr, 15hrs / week for £34/hr, or even 5hrs / week for £99/hr.
Looking at these figures fills me with so much optimism. And it reminds me of the words of Brooke Castillo: "making money is just a math problem." Just listening to her talk about money is so refreshing and inspiring and now I genuinely believe it too. As impossible as the latter options may seem for a musician whose just starting out, it's totally doable. The know-how will come to anybody who desires it enough so badly.
Of course, there comes the gazillion ways in which we have to spend money in order to live. But I looked up on that too. I'm not bothered about living in the most expensive, luxurious houses for the time being. Just a place to call home is good enough for me. And with income like this, I could afford to live somewhere pretty decent with plenty of money for food, bills, car stuff, guitar strings, equipment, and all other essentials for my life. If I'm wrong, then I'll adjust my money goals with no problem.
Otherwise, I feel incredibly satisfied by seeing these figures for real. As someone who really didn't know that much about money to begin with, just seeing some of these figures gave me peace of mind that it can be done. Even better is that I can envision myself making the money through all sorts of means. The "how-to" of making money is becoming apparent. And that's such a thrill!
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Entry 261 | Love Being Alone
Theory: Constantly wanting to be with others can limit your potential for growth.
Applying it: Detach from the desire to seek the company of others and spend some time on your own. Genuine love of your own company can be found.
All creative endeavours require some degree of solitude. Without it, you can never allow yourself to access the deeper wisdom within you. You can never practice your craft. Neither can you truly appreciate the company of others.
For a lot of years, I hated the fact that I was a loner. To fill the void, I would turn to the guitar to provide a distraction from the lonely feelings. "If I get good enough at this, maybe I'll get more friends." That was the logic, the long-term goal. So the hours went by and my practice became my life. No parties, no alcohol, no drugs, no social life. School felt emotionally difficult and practice was my medicine. And over the years, my skills became better and I found myself loved by the people around me rather than hated. I felt the love for people again. Through being more love, I could give more back.
But perhaps the biggest lesson I learned was that I don't need to have friends in order to be happy. That was the original story behind my guitar playing. But in achieving it, I realised that I had learned to love myself. I loved spending time on my own and loved being alone. It feels uplifting to know this. And as a result of loving being on my own (and not having lots of friends), I can deeply appreciate the time I spend with others and I'd rather have fewer closer friends than more distant friends.
The reason this topic occurred to me now is to do with the latest YouTube video posted on my channel. It's an outtakes teaser video of the Wiimote music video I've been banging on about for months (it's finally nearing completion!). It was hard to realise at the time that I was genuinely loving the time I had on my own. So watching this footage back to myself just fills me with so much joy that such a state of mind could be possible. Because it seemed impossible for a very long time.
This is not supposed to be a plug for my channel but more a reflection of the person in the video. The behaviours in the video were completely genuine and unknowing that such a video would ever get released. This is perhaps the truest depiction of myself that has ever been put out there and it's such a thrill to be doing it. No ego-trips intended. It's just an expression of my happiness.
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Entry 260 | Reflection
The days since my previous reflection post have been incredibly fulfilling in every way. It feels like I've had the chance to explore every emotion in great depth. There were times when I cried, felt heavy resistance, worry and stress. But also times of utter joy, excitement, happiness and tranquility.
I've cultivated a new type of meditation practice which is ideal for me. Using my biggest passion in life in such a way that promotes the art of raising awareness and consciousness has got to be the biggest breakthrough I've made. Every single time I've done it, the results have been incredibly satisfying. Sure enough, I could still just sit motionless for an hour in silence and meditate that way just as I have for over a year now. But this highly individual approach to meditation has transformed everything. My love for life just deepened immensely.
In terms of the YouTube channel, ideas are bubbling away in my mind ever since I made the commitment to produce weekly content. I've only produced one video so far because of the limiting beliefs holding me back. But now that it's out there, I feel motivated to produce even more. And to be honest, I don't care what kind of reception it gets. In fact, writing this public journal has eliminated that desire for recognition completely.
When I started, I used to secretly keep track of the views it got. Petty for sure. But for a long time now, the priority of this journal has been about telling the truth and documenting anything that interests and helps me. I've always known that it really shouldn't be about the views of your work, but it's only now that I can say that I honestly live that way. The passion comes first. It humbles me to receive a reception of any kind these days and I am grateful to everybody who shows even a slither of interest in what I do. It does seem to encourage the passion and the desire to put more work out there but I feel mature enough to understand that it should never be the fuel.
So I'm also getting used to being in a relationship with a guy I met from the Edinburgh tour. In some ways, it has felt kinda strange to be out in public and display affection because of a few potential reasons: being with a guy for starters, the fact that it's still relatively new, worrying what others think... A lot of surface-level resistance. But I feel more than confident enough to battle through such resistance. Especially because I'm deeply satisfied with how this relationship has gone.
The whole means of starting a relationship via dates and sex just goes completely against everything that I would want. It's an incredibly pretentious way to go about doing things for me because it feels like I have to act in a certain "gentlemanly" way in order to have a successful date. It prevents me from being myself. Whereas with this guy, I had several weeks living with him in Edinburgh and spending time as nothing more than friends. Turns out we had an unbelievable amount of similarities, desires, values and other things in common, enough to suggest best friend material. Then when the tour ended and I couldn't stop thinking about how much I loved being with him, that's when I submitted to myself that this guy meant something deeper to me.
Ever since then, it's been strength to strength. The typical relationship-type stuff is wonderful but perhaps the thing I enjoy most is that we are both passionate about growing ourselves as individuals and as one. I feel incredibly comfortable to talk to him about whatever is on my mind and he tells me he feels the same way too. We both inspire each other in different ways. We're starting to do work together, meditate together, and potentially make a dyad practice together. This relationship feels like such a rarity and it's incredibly exciting!
On a note for potential improvements, my eating habits have slipped a little maybe. I've been to some fancy restaurants with my partner and stuff without considering my health and I've also been eating a lot of protein bars. My spending has also gone through the roof over this period of time but most of it to a worthy cause, including the Life Purpose Course, Tab Pro (lifelong guitar tablature access), bonding activities with my partner and Christmas presents.
But things overall are going so wonderfully. My fulfilment levels are incredibly high these days. And perhaps the best part of that is that it doesn't seem to be as a result of achievement. It's more form the sheer joy of living. Life is beautiful right now. And that meditation session where I ended up grieving my own death... Wow. I don't think I've ever seen life in a more beautiful light since then.
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Entry 259 | Getting Used To Relationships
Theory: Building a strong relationship is like a field of mastery in itself and is not separate from any other facet of self-actualization.
Applying it: Make sure both you and your partner understand this concept and are willing to work together to improve on it over the long-term.
So I'm away from home this weekend to visit my partner. It has been really fun to come and support him in a concert that he performed in for part of his university degree. We've been together for around three weeks and I'm still getting used to it. In fact, it felt to me like our relationship was on a bit of a plateau. We discovered together that the main reason why I felt this way was because I was worried about bringing my self-actualization work and routines into our relationship.
We only see each other once every few weeks so it was very easy for me to throw out all of the progress I'd made to focus solely on spending time together. And as much as I love spending time with him, it kinda felt like I was sacrificing that stuff just to be with him, even though he is fully supportive of the work I do. It was my belief of "I must devote all of my time to you whilst I'm here and nothing else" that was making me worry about being my true self.
After talking about this together, we realised that this was something we both wanted to change. We both wanted to not only spend time having fun together, but more importantly we want to support each other's work and encourage each others growth, even doing it together. And that's when I remembered that building a strong relationship is like a practice in itself. There's certain challenges that need to be overcome but this is what leads to the truest kinds of growth.
And it feels great to have found a partner who actually is supportive and understanding of this growth. Things don't have to be perfect all of the time. What matters is that we both know that this relationship is a practice like any other. And practice is the surest way to travel the path of mastery.
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Entry 280 | Reflection
Argh it's nearly Christmas. Yaaaaaaay
I don't feel all that great right now because I'm real tired after a great weekend visiting my partner and we ate a glutenous toastie each, much to our regret. My mind is a little foggy as a result. One thing I realised during that weekend is just how much I'd been neglecting my diet and fitness levels. I haven't been to the gym in over 2 weeks and junk food has crept its way back into my daily diet. But I'm completely okay with that being the case. The mind would have me beat myself up enough to make it a permanent change but it isn't going to become one. Tomorrow, things will be back on track.
It's all part of the Upper Limit Problem. I've had some incredibly wonderful things happening in my life recently and there are some limiting beliefs deeply programmed into my subconscious mind that are telling me that things are way too full of happiness right now. This was the programming that I no doubt taught myself during a period of heavy bullying at school. "I won't be myself unless woe is me." At least I'm able to recognise this now for what it truly is: a well-practiced belief. I know the tools to go about changing those things and I feel persistent enough to stop at nothing along the way.
As far as guitar-playing is going, everything feels really promising. The concepts discussed in the Life Purpose Course are providing the ultimate incentive to keep doing what I'm doing. I've had some wonderful responses for my recent videos from online guitar communities and friends. But what I'm most pleased about is that somebody went out of the way to click dislike for my latest video. That's secretly what I would like to happen. It proves to me that what I'm doing is not a flavour of the vanilla variety. It has a quirky kick about it that some people may dislike but others will really love.
One fan in particular expressed their amazement at this very piece. She's been messaging me through my Facebook page for a little while now, which is real cool. She doesn't hesitate to speak her opinion about whether she likes something or dislikes it. And it just so happened that she really enjoyed the one today because of it's similarities with North Indian classical music. But I feel mature enough to understand that it really doesn't matter about whether a person likes or dislikes your work. It's the knowing that my work moves people to action, no matter good or bad. They engage with it.
I'm certainly in no position to say that my fame is rising, not that it matters anymore. But my main motivation for putting these videos out to YouTube every week is to give my gift to the world. My gift is the music I play. And without trying to be arrogant, I know that I kick ass at it because of the many years of practice and suffering that I've had to endure to get to where I am today. Also, my aim as a musician is no longer to prove to the world that I can play the guitar really well. But my aim is to move them and inspire them with what is possible.
The very motto that I used to get me to this level of mastery is now the message of my work: "If someone else can do it, then so can I."
Sure I'm a little beaten up and tired on the inside right now but I've come along way in the last few months. Adjusting to life outside of formal education (and without an external body providing me with motivation) has been challenging. I felt very lost with my life purpose around September. It felt like even with the sheer amount of music experience that I had, nobody would ever take interest in what I have to offer. But now that I've started this YouTube channel and have started making videos without becoming attached to their "success," I've found something worth striving for.
It's been an emotional rollercoaster of a journey recently. But I've come to terms with the fact that I can't leave the rollercoaster now. The restraints are down and the train is slowly going up the lift cable. It feels like that first drop and that first shot of success is going to take forever to reach. But I've just got to get comfortable on the slope on the way up. Forget about the anxious thoughts because you can't jump off now or you'll fall and die. Things are slowly developing. I'm seeing a slither of the long-term potential to be had with this journey. Patience and persistence will become my faithful friends.
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