Gabriel Antonio

2:21 PM 20-May-17 For some reason, I feel very lazy today. I have got very low energy. I went out to go the market this morning, and I just didn't feel like being nice to people like I usually am. I said Hi to the people I see regularly, but I acted "I am in a rush." Sometimes I wonder why I am in this "fight." Why do I see life as a battle? I do acknowledge that it feels very good take a break. At the same time, I have this deep fear of feeling bad in my body and mind. Right now, I feel well. But I reckon if I keep with this attitude of not making effort, I will soon start feeling shitty. Maybe what is happening is homeostasis, but at the same time I feel like I can't start forcing myself to do stuff. Maybe I should simply follow Leo's advice on how to stop being lazy. (just fucking do it, even if you half-ass). Sometimes life seems completely nonsensical. Today I began questioning all the things I have been doing. I keep a list of habits. And I am like, "Geez, why do I do all of these?" Life seems hard sometimes, and I fear getting lost in thoughts. Anyway, I miss going to that evangelical church with my friend. Right now, I don't feel any connection with God. Yes... homeostasis is kicking in. At the same time, this is a moment of reflection: "Why do I put so many conditions to do things?" I went to a meditation class yesterday, and it made me remind of self-acceptance. But when is something true self-acceptance or complacency? I am taking ayahuasca today at a new place. At least I got that going for me. I am curious to see what pops up. I will make a list of some intentions. Side note: I fapped yesterday before bed. Maybe my low energy has something to do with that. Or the fact that we're in the last quarter of the moon. Anyway, I am open to feeling energetic and happy once again. It is interesting how I trust more in myself to allow myself to feel "raw".

<3

i think everyday about this. i remember one of your posts in which you wrote about how warm it feels in your bed. it also reminds me of a quote of Leo "it is very easy to get comfortable." i had this realization today: waking up early is a skill. are you gonna wake up directly, or are you gonna keep procrastinating and feel terrible afterwards?

Tranquil, energetic, and light. Loved it :) sending good vibes to you thank you for being awesome <3

Great! New experiences, new feelings. It doesn't matter whether it is better or worse than what you already know; what matters is that you've tried something new; you were dynamic; you stepped out of the known. Yeap! Hooray! Yay! :]

12:19 PM 19-May-17 Autobio Childhood I was a very happy and joyful child. At the same time, I was also dependent upon adults to do things outside my comfort zone. I would feel insecure to try new things; thinking I was not going to make it. I had a very strong bond with my cousin, who was also born in 1996. After my parents divorced (2005), I stopped seeing my cousin. The belief I got from the divorce was: "I can't trust anyone 100%, because the other might go away, like my dad did." This is called a abandoment syndrom. I stayed a full year (2006) without seeing my dad at all. At this moment, my mom, my sister, and I were attending a spiritism (which is a Christian church that believes in spirits) and we were also praying. This was a moment of stability after the sudden break-up of my parents. Teenage Years When I was 10, I moved to a traditional and competitive school. There people started to compare me with my sister. I was the quiet one, and she was the talkative. And I interiorized this label "the quiet one." I wish I had taken more initiative to simply talk to people, even if it were in a "weird" way. That was a very hard school for me. I stayed there for 1 and a half year; then, I moved to the school I used to attend when I was a child. For some time, I held some limiting beliefs about me being extremely shy, not good enough (both academically and socially), and also "lazy". However, in High School, I made some good friends, some REAL friends--with whom I could be authentic with. When I was 18, I moved to San Francisco (CA) for 4 months. There, I realized that my strategy of being a loner wasn't going to work out. So I forced myself to go out, to talk to people due to my despair (which was caused by isolation). One year past, I moved to Santa Rosa (CA) for college. I stayed there for 1 and a half year. I moved back to Brazil. Last year, I was recovering from an emotional breakdown (a.k.a. spiritual awakening) I had when I was in Santa Rosa. I was also feeling extremely lost and at times depressive. What helped me pick myself up was the support from my family, intensive therapy + educating myself through actualized.org and infinite waters + commitment of 4 hours of meditaition. Nowadays (20 yo) At this moment in time, I am focusing on giving Portuguese and English classes, go back to college, and deepen my relationship with other people and with the Absolute.

Greetings! It is a pleasure to be here. Graciousness is a word a like to use to describe the Buddha. One and a half year ago, I was so accustomed to doing things slowly, very mindfully, dwelling deeply in the here; in the Now. I reckon that was a phase. Nowadays, I am embracing my enthusiasm. I feel a profound fire energy inside of me. A male-dominant inner-force arising. For instance, my intention for this day is to be a vehicle of youthfulness. Dynamism is key. As I always mention here, the secret to abundance is performing various activities in homeopathic doses. If something is not flowing at this exact moment.... it is okay. Take a conscious, strategic break. Your brain will resolve all questions for you. Remember: nothing is under your control. There are times that we need to speed up; use our energy. This way, we naturally gain our peace. Tiredness can generate peace. I have not been practicing sitting meditation. Instead, I practice walking meditation. I elevate my thinking patterns to the Divine and the Holy Father. I invoke the energy of the Supreme Cosmic Energy through prayer. Phrases such as "Almighty," "Eternal Father," or "Lord" fosters my connection with the Absolute Infinity (as @Dragallur likes to put it). I will create today a list of 20 random social fears that I have so that I can tap into each of them through a systematic strategy of comfort zone crushes. Cheers, mates! Gabriel/Devil/Noah/Lucca/Fábio/Victor/Gustavo [these are all the names I have used in the past]

5-17-2017 Today = less energetic that usual. In a strange way, I fear feeling tranquil because I think, "Shit! I have got to exert control! I should NOT get lethargic & lazy. That's the worst shit in the world!". >> I should get lethargic and lazy. I like @JKG post about being non-productive. Sometimes the best conversations are the ones that I don't have any intention at hand; to simply talk bullshit. I came up with a sentence a few months ago. However, I feel that at this moment of my life, I want to use my energy. I want to be productive, full of activities. Why? Because when I use 100% of my energy, I feel great afterwards. Small Strategic Moves The key to progress is to take baby-steps and be consistent. Consistency = Patience + Action

@Mango1998 cute message. thanks

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@tyy I like that you write about the present moment.

Cool, @Dragallur told me about that. I also read an article that no shampooing might be better for the hair. My hair gets pretty oily, so I have the habit of washing every single day. There was a time I didn't wash, and I got so much dandruff. Maybe with enough time, the hair will completely recover itself. Wow. I did the exact same thing to my dad in the beginning of this year. What has actually helped my relationship with him get better is to proactively look for his qualities. I spent about 6 months without seeing him, and now we are slowly getting in touch more often (about once a week). I have found that it is rather easy to say "honest" thoughts about another person, but it is a challenge to be vulnerable and expose parts of myself that I don't want people to know about it. Anyway, just my two cents... Keep practicing, and you will naturally transform yourself and your dad--for you two are one.

@Dragallur Awesome!!! Asking questions to "authorities" is a comfort zone challenge. Also, contradicting authorities is another one. One type of CZC I have been doing is consciously trying to get rejected by girls so that I lose my fear of rejection. Till says that if you're afraid of getting rejected, go out to a club and try to get rejected by 10 girls as quickly as you can. I did on the bus today. There was a girl sitting next to me, and I simply said, "Can we start kissing?", she said no, but I have been feeling so confident that I started laughing and explained about comfort zone challenges. I liked that you used the acronym I came up with haha "CZC" Very good! I'm proud of you, bro

I feel you. feels good, doesn't it? thanks for the reminder

Hehe, thanks for your honesty. Your comment helped me today take action in talking with strangers. it is a waste of time. spontaneity is better :]

5-7-2017 I know that everything is changing very quickly. right now, i feel tensed in my body. i like the word "evolve". i know that hardcore meditation was needed for me to realize that this is not the path i should take for now. i have discovered my life purpose: "overcome shyness and help others overcome it." i have also stated the purpose in the positive: "develop supreme self-confidence and help others achieve it." today, i went back home from the ayahuasca ceremony. i slept for a few hours. when i woke up, i was feeling lethargic and lazy. my grandma was so happy and joyful. she even bought me some peanut candies at the market. it was very sweet of her. anyway, seeing her so happy reminded me of how better it is to live instead of overthinking life. so i decided to take some action. i forced myself to go out of my house. then, i started talking with random people, mainly security guards on the street. then, i went to a Catholic mass. it was kind of cool mainly because it was a new experience. things i am interested in developing: > focusing on one subject when talking > get back to doing yoga for 5 minutes a day > write down all the $ i spend and all the $ i get each day > keep focus on socializing > meditate at least 5 minutes in the morning (i completely dropped my 4-hour meditation habit. thankfully.) > get back to learning more (reading books, watching videos) > keep doing comfort zone challenges & value all attempts that i practiced courage > talk with the divine before bed > watch at least one full Matt Kahn video > keep taking cold showers and eating pure lemon > be dynamic. if i feel like ending a conversation, do it. trust that the Universe will bring me something better. > resume making Youtube videos. > handwrite more > meet with my dad, step-bro and step-mom > do new things everyday > buy some indian clothes > search for comfort zone challenges and do at least one a day > focus on being casual, light, and tranquil > keep talking about the present moment > keep talking even if it feels uncomfortable > force myself to step out of the house > focus on real people or at least audio-video interactions > listen to new songs > cook soy meat =]

5-5-17 i feel happy in general. healthier. i have discovered that i am a naturally dynamic and high-energy person. i am not into consistency but always being in the flow. change is the only constant. flowing with life. making conscious small changes such as changing where i sit. doing things differently, with my left hand. not blinking for a while. establishing more eye contact than normal. my cure came about not through meditation per se but through socializing. comfort zone challenges are great to train ourselves to get uncomfortable at times. when we evolve, we see that the things that made us fear become laughable. i am beginning to appreciate the trivial conversations. people have been telling me that i need to keep more focused and listen more in conversations. this sometimes upsets me. but it is part of the process. when we are truly healthy, we don't need discipline, nor do we need to "stay positive", we naturally gravitate towards positivity. and some negativity can be good at times. but I want to pinpoint this: socializing was what cured me.

<3

Thank you

Isn't it better if we focus on what we're doing right instead of having the need to nitpick all the uncomfortable truths that arise in ourselves? For example, what is the point of telling to people negative aspects of myself or them? What is the point of saying, "I am bored in this conversation"? If a person were to have the intention of being radically honest all the time, he or she could get fixated on telling this truth. I speak from personal experience: it is much better to ignore the bad things and simply focus on what is going right. This way, we focus our energy into something more wholesome; we focus on the light that exists in each being. Another example: if I see a negative aspect of a person, I can tell him or her that. Or, I turn my focus on what I like about him/er. For example, a sibling comes into the kitchen and she's got dark circles. I can either focus on that, or I can consciously decide to see what is actually good in her, like her hair for example. And say, "Your hair looks good today!" I hope that made sense. =]