Gabriel Antonio

It's very important to not overdo this kinda thing. Remember that change usually takes a lot of time. It won't be a giant leap, but many many baby-steps that will transform your life. So my advice would be to slow down and be easy on yourself. Otherwise, you might get crazy.

Going Full-Circle? Or Am I Just Deluding Myself? Yesterday I was feeling very anxious about the new things I got going for this week… and I was totally in fear… Like REALLY escaping reality as much as I can through sleep, Netflix, faping etc. And I allowed myself to do whatever I wanted in a Hakuna Matata sorta thing. My mind was overly agitated (as usual) about the things I am going to do this week… things like, “I can’t do it”, “I am not competent enough”, “Idon’t have enough skill” And I was really scared yesterday because I was feeling VERY bad emotionally. Depressive… and everything… And then…. Ta-da! Today I wake up feeling so content… out of nowhere… all the thought patterns that were irritating the shit out of me stopped making sense. So, I just gotta tell this and then I will go: I have learned in a great book that’s on the booklist a technique of exaggerating negativity , and man… that worked so well throughout the day, but I am pretty sure it’s not gonna work tomorrow =( Like… I feel like I have overused to the technique, dunno… And I am doing the book without guidance, so I must be screwing things up… Hahahahaha I am actually doing the technique right now. It’s so freaking funny to play with your own devilry. But the Devil has a lot of tricks under its sleeve… one of which is called overpracticing. I am simply impressed by my level of authenticity and fluency today. Normally I am a guy who overthinks and overanalyzes all his thoughts before saying or writing them, but everything seems more genuine today… dunno… I feel more integral… with more integrity. Random Thoughts > My back is aching like crazy… > My mantra for this moon is: “Natural me, the best me.” And it has been working wonders! > Tomorrow I will give an English class to a 5-year-old twin couple (idk if you use this term “couple” in English to simply refer to a boy + a girl. They are not dating each other hahaha !) I have no idea how it’s going to turn out… I am just gonna make sure I sleep nice … and keep making fun of my devil within, which is actually me I suppose… and then the class will unfold by itself idk... they get bored very quickly (like any child) so I think I will allow them to do the playing and i will follow their lead. I just dunno how I am gonna teach them English ... oh god... > I miss Leo’s Heyyyyyyyyy… Hahahaha… sorta useless if you think about it… > I also jogged while listening to Leo Quantum Mechaniscs Part 2… The best episode I have ever seen of actualized.org is: “Who is The Devil?” It was extremely emotionally challenging to hear the whole thing with openmindedness, but I did, and it paid off BIGTIME! Enlightenment experience in a ayahusca trip! Anyway, I am doing the same thing with the newer episodes… I am just gonna trust Leo on that … > Mann, I felt so much energy and so alive today… that I start grasping to this moment, like: “I WANT TO BE LIKE THIS FOREVER!!!!” How stupid of me… By grasping, I destroy. Take a twinkle and grasp it very firmly… it’s gonna BOOM get destroyed Well… I feel very happy and psychedelic (didn’t use any, just a bit of cannabis) today . Existence feels magical at times. Like real magical, not the bullshit magic of the material world… I am accepting my own devilry more… Laughing my way through it… Realizing that my job is not to figure out anything; it’s just to keep my mind open and allow things to figure out by themselves. Kinda crazyyy…. But… right now, Im about to do the best meditation of my life… A complete forgiveness (you -> others, you -> you, and others -> you) so all directions are included + a loving-kindness meditation by Jack Kornfield. That thing changed my fucking life… It’s so gooooodd!!! If you want it, you can find it Because I am for the first time in forever honest with myself it is actually very effortless to write all of this. I have no intention of editing this text, so I am good to go. Well, I lied I just edited the text a bit “Gabi, é você?” Belle no Whats There's a lot of information in this entry......

one strategy that really helps me is to accentuate the negative inner dialogue while it's happening, instead of trying to get rid of it. for example, you're in a party and you're very self-conscious and "negative" thoughts starts popping up... let them go wild! "Oh... everybody must be looking at me." >> Typical thought of a social anxiety person Then... logic creeps in as an attempt to help: "No.. this is not true... everybody has their own problems..." However, instead of letting logic corrupt your experience, consciously accentuate the negative inner dialogue, so it would be something like this: "Omg! I am sure they are all looking at me... omg... i only make mistakes... omg... i am gonna freak out... this is gonna kill me.. omg look at that girl she must be thinking i am so ridiculous... why did I go to this place?? i fucking hate myself... what a fucking tragedy..." You continue with that conscious negative thinking until you magically go full-circle and you get very peaceful... but the thing is, you gotta allow yourself to think the most outrageous things.. lots of ppl have a program in their mind that says: be positive... but has that EVER worked? you're in the middle of a social situation and your self-worth is close to 0. you start telling nice things about yourself to your own self. Well, to me that only makes matters worse. what about this counterintuitive alternative? could you give it a try and see if it works? cheers! (i learned this technique will till from comfortzonecrusher)

because it's fucking infinite... i didn't claim to have gotten enlightened.. but it was certainly a very profound experience ... i never felt like that ever since... with that level of understanding... of integration... and you're right in the sense that words cannot describe the thing exactly! i was in ecstasy and felt like sharing .. maybe overshared idk.. it's like leo's video on enlightenment happening in real time.. someone from outside will not understand that.. or as leo says, who is stuck in the materialistic paradigm... too much logic...

Here I am. It's infinite. Haha. Do you understand? It is infinite! It's fucking infinite! You are the only thing that ever existed. You are Hitler, you are Jesus, you are a child playing in the sand. The ego structure is all a big infinite matrix. The more you try to deconstruct it, the bigger it gets. What does really matter? No matter what you're doing, you're doing correctly. You are in the matrix! I am the matrix. I am you. I am infinite compassion, infinite guilt, infinite shame, infinite hatred, infinite lives, infinite language, infinite porn. It's all the same thing. If you study computers, you will understand that you are exactly it. What holds all this web? Nothing and everything. Life is a fucking paradox. Infinite compassion or infinite hatred? The idea I have about my life and all my petty problems are joke because I am you. I am my dog. I am the dust. I am the worst criminal. On a different time and space. IT IS ALL A FUCKING CYCLE! HAHAHA It is infinite! It never ends whether you want it or not. Consciousness is infinite. We are all made of the same fabric. The petty that I have, you have also. The self-censorship within myself is present in all human beings. I am just a fucking cell. The strangest thing is that you cannot grasp this. It is as if trying to stop time. I don't know, I am just confused here. It all starts with the first step. All huge successes started with a first step. Do it imperfectly but start. This realization of our true nature requires tons of responsibility and at the same time zero responsibility. In a way, I am just a tiny cell of the Manifestation of consciousness. I don't have any fucking responsibility, and at the same time I know that the animals that are getting slaughtered are ME! All the children that ever felt hurt, abandoned, or rejected are actually myself. As I mention, it is infinite. I am you, remember? Haha. All this idea of "my" life seemed like a joke. Of course I will born again. I am infinite. INFINITE! HAHAHA. I am all that ever was. I am so grateful to Leo for all his hard work. I am so grateful for everybody who spend hours and hours on this forum and feel like you're destroying your life. All I can say is: it is infinite. Infinite births and deaths. Infinite situations. Infinite possibilities of the mind. Infinite lifetimes. You were Cleopatra. Haha. It is all one hahaha. Infinite judgements. Infinite shame. Infinite tension. Infinite relaxation. Infinite infinity. Hahaha! I feel so fucking inspired. I feel like I had a glimpse of who I really am. It's so crazy to see that this lifetime is just a cycle. YOU ARE AN ILLUSION. There is no one who is writing here. My cells are like cars on a busy avenue. There isn't much I can do except engage in consciousness. It fucking is infinte hahaha When you notice that, you will start laughing. This is all a fucking structure. The moment you brake it, a larger, harder structure emerges immediately. HAHAH it's infinite. All people you walked by today are actually you. You are your cat. You are me. I feel fucking amazing. A HUGE pressure was lifted off my shoulders. Sure, i will forget this insight infinite times, but it is there. No matter the situation, here you are. You are everything that ever existed. Just on a different space and time. You are literally your mom and dad. I am my ancestors. If we trace down to the start, there is only one. We are leaves of the same tree. Infinite leaves. You cannot die. What dies is the structure. BOOM! Gone. I keep repeating "it's infinite" as if my life depended on this. Ha. Having the insight of no-self, a natural feeling compassion arises. You simply get people. You are like, "oh, why i am going to judge this person if I am that?" I have been quite selfish lately, and that doesn't make much sense. To reach these higher stages, you have to face infinite fear. The bigger the fear, the bigger the expansion. We are composed of polarities. I had a very beautiful image in my mind in which i recalled a conversation i had with a close friend this week. i could see from his point of view. and i could also feel that he had the insight of interbeing. it was as if he was seeing and sensing everything that i was feeling because he is extremely developed and has gone through infinite hells haha. It is so fucking obvious haha. I am beginning to lose it. But... did I ever had it? Gone. "Make me one with everything." HAHA, i remembered that joke during the trip. haha. life IS a trip. infinite trips. haha. infinite hatred. infinite egos. infinite fear. infinite courage. infinite repetition because it is right under your nose and you don't see it haha. "You keep wanting wanting so much, why not want EVERYTHING?" Jack Kornfield it doesn't make much sense writing this name since he is me. HAHAHA. I can't stop laughing. It is all a fucking matrix, infinite structure. My mind simply cannot graps what I have experienced. I felt for all the highly schizophrenic folks out there (actually, in here (:P). Language is infinite. I have been a pretty lazy-ass guy, but to Existence this doesn't fucking matter. It is a never ending process. You = Buddha = Hitler = Leo = Donald Trump Can you see that these are only names? Do you grasp how shallow "names" and "dates" are? It is a joke to plan because all we have is the now. hHAaha. if you still have checkboxes to check before remembering who you TRULY are, well, the checkboxes are infinite. Haha. It is a dark hole. I am Christopher Hitchens HAHAHA. It is so hilarious. For most part I think, "dude, I am going crazy." Good. Awareness is beyond everything. Because it is fucking infinite. I want to program that into your mind. It is all infinite. Anyway, thanks to all the Buddhas, thanks to all my reflections I come across. Pure joy awaits you. And pure pain awaits you. Pure monkey mind. Everything I wrote is monkey mind. It is pointing to something greater. It is possible to escape the matrix? No, you're part of it. It is like a cell trying to rebel against all the trillion cells haha. haha. it is so beyond you. I want you to experience this. We are very priviliged to get the ultimate knowledge from all these amazing people out there - matt kahn, infinite waters, leo. People waste so much time with traditional dual ways of worshipping a God as if there were gonna be a "reward". It is like this, a drop of water remember that it is water. it's infinite, remember? i warn you: once you get this experience, your ego will quickly get bored. It will come up with infinite thoughts, judgements, projections. It's ok but realize all this monkey mind is like a never-ending hole. The more you engage in thinking, the more content is generated. simple as that. so what activities can you do that will bring you back into harmony? actually. everything is in harmony. The thing is, "other thoughts cannot deeply change other thoughts." The key is expand your awareness. And psychedelics are a HUGE time-saver (haha, time is an illusion). life is a trip. that's all I can say. hahah At some point I wanted to take more ayahuasca, but then I thought, "shit! i want take more of myself." it is as if i was in lack, lacking the proper clothes, lacking... always lacking... dude, remember to fry the big fish. things take care of themselves. it's hard to trust, but that's it. you have no control. but You have all control. i feel very humble. i feel like listening to people. it is all so beautiful. even lower conscious behaviors. they all stem from the desire to be happy. yet we don't pay attention to the results we're getting. anyway, that's it dude or girl. I feel in a way like just a matter of recognizing who you are. it's infinite fun. it's infinite seriousness. poles. positivity or negativity. We are included in everything. I feel like I am a cell telling to other cells that there is a bigger body we're part of. And this body is part of the cells of the world. And the world is a cell. Micro and macro. You are your heart!! Even though you don't pay attention to it, it is working 24/7. can you imagine that? it never fucking stops till you're gone. Haha. you'll be gone soon hahahha. me too i am the youngest, i am the oldest, i am the billionaire, i am the poorest, i am the saint, i am everything in between also. including yourself. hah. it is funny to send messages to your other selves. people, if you feel stuck, please consider trying psychedelics. i can understand why I have been going through hell. It is not possible to expand your awareness otherwise. haha. because it includes everything. well, as you can read, it is a real mind boggler haha. if you can let yourself go for a moment, it happens. you'll go, "OH MY GOD! that's fucking obvious." my desire is to be ok with being part of this matrix. and really, no matter what I do is absolutely correct. it never ends. you don't have to throw away anything. you don't need to get rid of your overthinking, your bad habits. haha. the idea that you have any control at all is an illusion. let us remember lavoisier (a.k.a., yourself), "nothing can be created. nothing can be destroyed. everything is transformed." transformation. you are a metamorphosis of your dad and mom ahaha. i am laughing so hard at myself right now because "i exist as i am. that is enough." you don't to change the world. when you change yourself, the world *which is you* transforms. there are the individual level and the collective level of awakening. I love this word. Awakening. You are the Buddha. Dude, how did we stayed for 42 days meditating under that Boddhi tree? to me, the message is clear: you have no control over anything. have you seen what happens when a person drops a bad habit? a brand-new arises. in most cases, it is even a worse one. we are so stuck in this vortex of endless information that we forget what is beyond all this. The Silent Observer. actually, there is no observer. got it? probably not because it is ungraspabble. everything i wrote here is being repeated over and over. maybe it is time to take a deep breath. and learn how to surf. i feel like the more I write, the farther the Truth goes. Words are endless. Unfortunately it is not possible to feel it through words -- but only through direct experience. So I applaud you for being on this forum, watching Leo's content, and really educating yourself what is possible. Haha, there's nothing left to say. I feel like everything else is secondary. i'm curious to see my upcoming days. haha. that's a lie. haha. correct less, do more. dude, i feel so stuck right now. again, i am lost in this maze. i feel like i am slowly conquering my insanity. i am first accepting the truth that there is nothing wrong with me. i am perfectly fine. trust

Life Purpose Course = Strategic Motherfucker Part 2 (Right, @Leo Gura?)

Huge Growth I experienced today a very powerful breakthrough in many different aspects of my life. I am beginning to drop some old beliefs and paradigms, and mainly letting go of rationality and embracing feelings. Feelings/emotions come first; then, rationality comes second. It's almost magical how when you are truly absorbed into what you are doing, reason stops being important. Instead, it simply happens by itself. Another thing: No amount of reading will substitute first-hand experiences. As Leo's always pointing out, the map is not the territory. It can help you, but don't confuse it with the actual thing. In other words, life can actually be very messy and chaotic; and that's okay. Changing my Relationship With Fear I had this on a psychedelic trip. A huge spider appeared in my mind. At first I didn't want to look and I was scared as fuck, but then I realized, first-hand, how fear comes from ignorance. When I simply observed the thing as it is, without judging it; I saw that it was neutral. It was just a living being trying to survive. Yea, it may have a different shape that I am used to, but nevertheless it is just as it is... The Laundry... Again, after all big growth, comes the laundry. I was in ecstasy today (not the drug, but the feeling). And I know it doesn't last also... but to me it became clear that I want to get more experience with theater. I feel it is so important to learn how to be listened... and there are a lot of nuances that I can do in intonation, pace, etc. to make the things I say more appealing... it's part of the game... Life Purpose I feel like I have the right amount of challenges, and I am looking forward to unleashing unlimited energy to fulfill my life purpose. Now, you may ask: "What is your life purpose?" Still don't know completely, but it's probably something like, "fully embrace my natural self and help others do the same through example." I feel like I am getting more attuned with the cycles of nature, and this lifts a huge pressure off my shoulders.. Yea, I still rush at times, and guess what? That comes with the package of being a westerner in the 21th century... No need to throw anything away... So, that's it.. I want to thank @JKG for sending me a video of Peter Ralston doing some boxing. It helped me a lot with understanding the importance of being "firm as a gelatin". Effortless power... whatever you wanna call it... I feel much more playful and natural by incorporating this strategy into my life, as opposed to getting stuck in perfectionism. Lately I have been expressing myself solo. This is great and everything, but I want to focus on getting good at expressing myself around other people, like dancing, acting etc. It's great to do solo, but with other people is much more emotionally powerful. I don't have anything more to say, but I feel like writing more haha. I feel like I am in a phase of transcending rules. My wrists hurt a bit from writing haha... i apply too much force... i should practice effortless power.. ops... no should statementsXD Go Metta! Turn Inwards! Big picture! To wrap up here, I am definitely gonna do more body-work... More yoga, more Tai Chi, more dancing, more Reiki... it works directly with the subconscious mind, so a lot of stuff is resolved automatically... Body = Subconscious So by opening up my body and through organic movements, things will auto-correct in my life yea, I am totally extending myself here... But hell... I am not the only one who exaggerates Beautiful ayahuasca song:

same here

Dude, that's fucking neurotic. "Killing my 'self' today" Guess what? If your ego today, it will return even greater tomorrow. Haha.. .so just relax baby listen to this

“When you listen to yourself, everything comes naturally. It comes from inside, like a kind of will to do something. Try to be sensitive. That is yoga.” - Petri Räisänen

cool let us know about your progress

My Week After The Ayahuasca I feel very great this week. My trip last weekend was head-on! It was actually good to take a break from psychedelics for a few months because now I can see how powerful they are. I have a so-called LSD, but I don't know if it's authentic... so I might as well stick with ayahuasca. My work was quite good. I self-doubted a bit, but overall I did well. I am with 6-year-old twins to teach English, so it's exciting to take on this challenge... quite outside of my comfort zone. I feel like abundance is overflowing in my life. The flower that I have been watering (as my 21-day challenge) is actually dying So I think I will get a new one to try again... I feel like I am singing much better. I am teaching better. I am socializing better. Everything is falling into place. Sure, ups and downs are to be expected, but I sure enjoy being high in lifeXD I have also been getting tons of energy, because I feel I am more and more aligned with my life purpose and also a lot of inner-seeds I have been watering for quite a long time (some examples, once again, are writing, music, communication); they are making my life very rich because I am not putting all my money into just one thing alone, but a huge variety. And I have been doing this for a while now... Well, that's it, I guess... It's 1:56 AM, so I should proabbly hit the bed

You have said in at least two episodes that in order for you to be recording at that time, you had to force yourself to do it, that is, you applied the "going through the motion" technique, in order to make yourself do it. How often do you feel that? That is, do you have battle with laziness on a consistent basis, or are your days becoming more and more effortless? (like you mentioned in the 10 things you don't know you want episode) Thank you.

Examples of Full-Circle Trying to get eliminate all your addictions is itself an addiction. Trying to be good at something makes you bad at it Trying to be confident makes you not confident Fully accepting your insecurity makes you self-confident

gave up?

upvote

"When you feel like judging someone, go find a mirror." - Chico Xavier (Brazilian psychic.) Note: His Wikipedia page is pretty interesting....

Maybe it is all a fucking repetition… Back to feeling SHITTY! [4:02 PM] I had a pretty cool synchronicity experience yesterday. I wrote on a napkin: Turn sadness into… Art. Cause I am in this phase of trying to channel my emotions into something greater, instead of trying to get rid of them. And then, I watched an episode of “Love” (Netflix series), and Gus said EXACTLY that to Arya. I was like, “WTF, Universe? Are you kidding with me?” Sure, the brain loves to pick-and-choose, but this was kinda cool. This episode is probably the third of the third season. The title is, as I recall, Arya and Gus. I think this show is a must-watch for people-pleasers and how you actually DO NOT need to change yourself one iota. Most of the time I am feeling very directionless. I keep thinking, “I need to find a strategy…” But on the other hand, I have tried so goddamn much that I feel like this moment of my life is to relax the fuck down. But stupid thought patterns keep emerging. Self-destructive ones. Things that are NOT going to help me. So I go on to this spiral of negativity… My subconscious mind does the favor of bringing up the most cringy experiences I have gone through… All that shit of my past, which everybody has, comes stronger in my most vulnerable moments… And another thing I have been getting is the fear of missing out on life. In a way, I feel like I stopped “living” at 11. After that, I feel like fear took control of my life. This makes me feel so stuck in my head that I end up not doing anything proactive to change my situation… (even if it is something small, just to build momentum…) Cause you know what? Had I not acted last year (even if it was neurotically-driven), I wouldn’t have left my house and met so many amazing people. Random thoughts It scares me how poor of a concentration I have. I was thinking of taking drum classes to improve that. A fun way to stay concentrated is through rhythm… I feel like I am too ungrateful for life, and that I will only start appreciating it when I am old. Well, this is definitely a very pessimistic entry. Yea, a lot of shit is happening. But there are also some pretty cool things. I am definitely not being patient with myself. I keep wanting big changes to occur on a click. 4 hours later… [8:12 PM] It is really crazy how fast we can alternate from being to hell to heaven (and vice-versa). Right now, I feel REALLY good and filled with new ideas of what I can do to really improve my life. The pieces are fitting together very nicely! I am very grateful for being on the self-actualization path! (@Leo Gura , you rock man! Everyone who is reading this is already in the journey also. A very low-consciousness person would not take the time to read this...) So, even though there is a lot of inner-turmoil, I am finally getting some goddamn stability! I also owe big-time to ayahuasca. I drank about 70 ml yesterday, and even though I didn’t trip balls, some brilliant insights came to me. I also remembered many insights I have had in the past. It came to me a very radical affirmation: (Meaning, I literally do not have to do anything in particular. Nothing at all. Mooji style :P) The thing is, I am a self-help junkie. That is, I am like a neurotic micromanaging boss to myself. Not only does this demands a lot of my energy; it is also counterproductive. So, my mantra for the week is: I have no interest in peak experiences. Yea, they’re cool and everything, but I want to go beyond that. Transcend my likes and dislikes. So… I want to just keep fucking doing what I am already naturally inclined to do--especially self-help-wise--and BOOM results will come whether I want them or not. It is going to fucking overflow hahaha... I am already too much time on this path to become a complete slacker, even if I try hahaha. Homeostasis keeps bringing me back to high consciousness, as strange as this may seem. There is this force that always pushes me back, when I am way too deep in shadow-land. So I don’t really need to police myself. I already have an extremely high self-discernment that DOES NOT allow me to fall on my ass too much. I don’t know, maybe it is my guardian angel. [I choose to believe in that.] I am understanding more and more why Leo criticizes science so much. When it comes to personal growth, you gotta have direct experience. Who cares about proving shit? When you are feeling amazing in your body, you are the proof! I mean, the scientific method is awesome; but what I am really interested in is seeing results first-hand. Will I come across BS along my way? Sure, but I know it will self-filter with enough time. And, to me, what produces the greatest results is small homeopathic dosage every day. You will figure things out. Like watering the plant. You just gotta do it once or twice a day, everyday. (Depends on the plant/flower, actually). New 21-day Challenge I just created my newest challenge: watering a little flower that I have for 21 days. I might screw around with how much water it needs, so if the flower dies before that time, I will get another one. Besides that, I have deliberately set the intention of radical acceptance: whatever, let me repeat, WHATEVER happens is okay. Radical acceptance, remember? Yea, some people can use that teaching as an excuse to not take action, but it works great with my personality type, which tends to be neurotically-driven. By accepting the present moment as it is (bodily sensations, feelings, thoughts etc) --instead of trying to correct them--things start changing right before my eyes. So it is a counterintuitive approach: by accepting, I create change. Paradoxical, isn’t it? My Vision For This Journal Anyway… everything is fitting together! Yay!! I seriously hope I can write in here for at least 5 years to track my progress. Gotta find the perfect balance between oversharing vs self-censoring. On the one hand, I can easily start purging all my dirty little secrets in here. I can do that sometimes but I have already failed in my last journal for putting too much information. On the other hand, I can self-censor way too much to a point where I am too much mechanical. I want none of these. Instead, my idea for this journal is to share my journey as transparently as I can, while still protecting my basic privacy. I really hate my first entrys, and I wish there was an option for people to see my earlier posts, instead of the old ones. ( @Nahm, @cetus56, or any moderator, is this possible?) Thank you all!

Yesterday was one of the best days of the year so far. Everything went smoothly. I was able to keep up with the flow of the day, without much effort. Other thoughts: On Cringing About Myself Many times when I think about my past, I go, “Holy shit, why did I do that?” In a blog post, Leo said that this is actually a sign that you are growing, but it’s kinda uncomfortable to realize that this will happen more… For example, two years ago, I was under such neurotic patterns that even though I didn’t have to do shit, I was stressing myself out so that I could cover up my feeling of guilt for not being a “productive” member of society. Whenever I was relaxing (like watching TV), I’d beat myself up internally and not let myself go… Not only was I engaging in one unhealthy behavior, but two. The second one being the part that I autoflagelate. I particularly dislike the first pages of this journal... there are degrees of cringiness... in this case, it's probably a 6 out 10. Just Do Your Thing... I was thinking about Neil Degrasse Tyson today. He is very influential and everything, speaks very well… In a way, he has been training for the show Cosmos for his entire life. The show itself is the result of all that he has lived. Similarly, I have this intuition that I will do something big down the line. Something related to self-acceptance, and inspiring that feeling to others. And now it is the time for me to take care of myself completely to the point of getting so accustomed to loving, myself regardless of what I do or don’t do, that I naturally will inspire that in others and can do a lot of awesome projects, which require that I self-accept. Self-acceptance More Powerful Than Will Instead of trying to lose weight, why not first work on accepting the one who causes you to overeat? Instead of trying to quit an addiction brute forcing it, why not talk to the one who causes you to be addicted?= Those are just some examples. Yes, sometimes all we need is a little push; but I feel like the deepest growth comes from simply loving whatever is entering your field. Nothing has to be changed. In fact, any attempt from your part to put your finger in the experience itself will only mess things up. You will cut the process. And, in a way, cutting the process can be part of the process. The little technique I like this use is: “Can I let go of that desire easily? If yes, drop it. If no, let it be.” Work Today I went back to being insecure about how I am teaching. I feel like I am not organized enough, even though the best classes are the one that I completely let go and just talk to the person authentically. All of my previous attempts to plan the classes have failed. Maybe it is because I don’t check with the other party. I always want to decide by myself, so I fail at cocreating. But, again, I shouldn’t be so harsh on myself. Things are falling into place. Sometimes I still don’t like to give the classes, but at the same time they give me a lot of energy when I do them. I always figure out something. My style is more intuitive. I can ask for my subconscious mind to guide me and making clear what the person needs from me. One thing that has becoming more and more clear is that social interactions do not have to make much logical sense. The most important thing is the energy behind the words. Yet, I have also been practicing checking if the person really understood me. Clear communication is a skill I want to develop this year, and giving language classes help me a lot with that. Theater I don’t think I will do plays in the foreseeable future. The characters I played are still developing in me, but I know how powerful it would be if I actually had a presentation. That would really solidify the knowledge. Just Another Data-Point I have been working on putting things into perspective as well. Each experience is just another experience. Each person is just another person. Each opinion is just a figment of someone else's imagination... All of that is nothing but data-points. My lower chakras are opening up, so I am connecting more to my roots (which is my intention for the year). When I am down there (below my navel), I can feel how greater I am than my current experience. Seriously, I have gone through so much shit and managed to turn out pretty decently. So whenever I am feeling insecure, I repeat to myself: "That's just a data-point." Even the planet we're on is a data point. How crazy is that...

I felt like contributing a bit to this topic. Found this "accidentally" (Nothing is an accident, right, Shifu? :P). Great reminder to keep an eye on self-torture and how it has nothing to do with true spirituality. From Unconsciousness to Consciousness Chapter 9: JUST TO BE BORN IS NOT ENOUGH TO BE ALIVE So he thought, "It is better to keep silent about it, not to say anything; it will look bad." And he thought that rather than spoiling all the food - because all these people were dipping their bread in it and eating - he thought, "It is better to finish it in one gulp and then take the food; that is easier." So he took one gulp, with closed eyes, with closed breath - just somehow to finish it, because nothing could be left. And do you know what Gandhi did? Gandhi called the cook and said, "Look how much he liked it! Bring another cup; he loved it!" So the cup was filled again. To live the lief of the poor, Gandhi would not allow anybody to use a mosquito net; that is luxury. And the place where he used to live, Wardha, is a very hot place, exactly in the middle of India, exactly in the center - one of the hottest places. And so many mosquitoes all around, that even in the daytime you had to use a mosquito net and sit inside it if you wanted to do any work: reading, writing, or anything. Even n the day, hundreds of mosquitoes are all over your body; how can you sleep in the night? But the idea of poverty: how can you use a mosquito net? That is a great luxury. So Gandhi had discovered - and he was a great discoverer of things, such things - he discovered that if you put kerosene oil on your face, your hands, then mosquitoes cannot come close to you because of the smell. Certainly they don't come, they are not so foolish as you are; but because of the smell you cannot sleep! I simply refused to stay there. I told Ramdas, "This is not the place for me. What kind of nonsense is going on here? And you are torturing these thirty-five people in the name of asceticism. You are glorifying all this." Gandhi was doing this his whole life. He was absolutely a masochist, who enjoyed torturing himself - and also a sadist. It is a rare combination, very unique. There are people who are masochists, there are people who are sadists, but to be a sadomasochist is a very unique phenomenon. There are very few people - but there are some - who enjoy both: torturing themselves and torturing others. In the same of religion it is very easy because you can give a motivation to people - that if you torture yourself, you will gain much in the other life. That motivation, that greed, they don't call it motivation or greed, and they don't call it torture what I am calling torture - they call it tapascharya, sadhana, spiritual discipline. But just giving a good name to a un ugly thing does not change its nature. It is not a spiritual discipline, it is simple torture. But under the name of spiritual discipline you can torture yourself. Down the ages, in how many ways have religious people tortured themselves? If you come to know the whole story you will be simply amazed. There have been Christian ascetics whose practice consisted - still consists, they are still in existence - in beating themselves, early in the morning, naked. And the person who managed to beat himself the most was thought to be the greatest saint. The blood would be oozing out of the body, and they would go on flagellating. And the crowd would gather around their monastery to see this scene. And that crowd would support them, appreciate them, clap them, and help them to beat themselves more. And of course when a big crowed is appreciating you, you can go to any limit.

How important it was to your self-development journey the fact that you lived most of your first infancy in a place like Russia and experience -- I suppose -- a culture shock when you went to the US? How did that experience grow you? Those are other questions are less important: Do you have a fetiche for touristy places? Las Vegas, Hawaii… Why is your name in red? I mean, I am not against that, but if you take into account the reasons why you took out the liking system, then I see no reason why your name is specifically in red, after all, isn't that a way to differentiate you, which can be food for the ego? [But I myself am in favor of the returnal of the upvotes. People do whatever they want. Milton Friedman sorta thing. And it should also be added new features Hahahaha… Dunno, maybe we -- as a collective -- are not ready to get those treats, and we will fucking misuse them...] How do you shave your head? (it’s pretty good) Are you taking our candy away forever? (the upvotes)

On Being Hard on Myself This is a big one for me. Always beating myself up for not being perfect. Always wanting to be so goddamn perfect that I end up not doing shit. Perfect... ._. I don't know if I mentioned this in here, but this basic trend of my life -- being hard on me -- has followed me even in my work. I was putting so much pressure on me, as if I was supposed to magically make people speak a foreign language. That's no easy task. To put simply I was getting paranoid about making sure I did miniquizes, that I corrected every single mistake, etc etc But that did not work. I have realized how cool I actually am. Like... the more effort I try to be nice, the less authentic I become. Not to mention that my battery gets low very quickly after making the effort of being charismatic (whatever that means). Putting a smile on my face and pretending that I am paying attention to a boring-ass conversation are definitely not my life purpose. More On Life Purpose My life purpose revolves around complete self-acceptance and inspiring others to do the same. For example, I got a 12-year-old cousin who is kinda shy. And it gives me so much joy to share my journey with him because it feels like I am talking to my old-self. And it is interesting to see how some psychological mechanisms work on different people. He was saying, for example, that he has a hard time keeping a subject, maintaining a conversation etc, and I told him: Dude... there's nothing more boring that keeping a subject! You can do or say whatever you want to me. I feel like because I went through so many self-created hells, I am extremely tolerant with other people's behaviors. I don't get offended easily, nor do I recriminate behaviors. Had I been a "perfect" person with a "perfect" childhood and teenage(hood?), I wouldn't have this deeper understanding of human psychology to a point that I don't really judge people... Old Patterns & New Alternative Well, apart from that, I have been noticing in myself some old patterns kicking in, especially regarding shyness. Hehe... So, what I have noticed is that some blockages kicks in when I am in specific situations. For instance, when I go to a "party". I don't know why, but there is something about this word that blocks me. I used to tackle each fear head-on, but I think there is a better alternative. Conciously put off some thing that are simply not happening (for example, dating), and wait until I am ready to face it without having to brute-force myself so much. I have noticed that when I take the edge off, things start to magically solve by themselves. Running - Feeling Great, but Fearful... I have also been running, and it feels REALLY good. My basic intention is, "accelerate my heart beat". I don't focus on correct technique of running... nothing on that matter, because self-fulling prophecies can happen. "Oh... my knee might hurt if I don't have proper technique" >> BOOM! Knees start hurting. Nah... instead, if I just focus on other things (like visualizing great things in my life), I have this intution that the way I run will naturally become correct effortlessly. I did feel some ache in my knee though. Nothing alarming, but I do get scared about it. I think that happens because I have this bad habit of extending my knee too much. But what I have learned in Tai Chi is that the knee should be always lightly bent, and not rigidly straight. All in All... Dunno... but anyway, life feels good lately... Ego backlashes? Sure. Just a week ago, my room looked like a room of a junkie; my greatest desire was to sleep for eternity; and I felt extremely insecure around anybody. But... you know what? The past two days are in the polar opposite. I feel naturally talkative and self-confident; hopeful about my future; and more attune than ever to my Mission here on planet Earth. But... some days can pass, and I can find myself in yet another quagmire. Up and down... Peak and valley... Sweet and sour... Hot and cold... Blah blah blah... >>> C0NTR4ST <<<<

Today I realized how crazy life actually is. Like it doesn't make any sense at all. Logic is a human invention. And the thing is, what is most important is the energy, not the thing itself. Yea, sure the content kinda matters, but it comes naturally when you are focusing on the energy. For example, I can be writing a text 100% intuitively. There is a greater force that makes the thing I am writing make sense. And what I have found is that progress is inevitable with enough practice, whatever it is you are doing. It is just a matter of doing it the best that you can with a clear intention. Follow that intention throughout the activity, and you will be fine. This is how you gain back control over your life. Today, I am going to a concert that is VERY special to me. She is called Marie Gabriella, and she's an example of someone who is alligned to Life Purpose. You can sense how different she is because she has found what she came here to do. I used to judge myself really harshly. Still do, but now it seems like my true passions are becoming so strong that they are outnumbering my misdeads, if you will. When you have something you love deep enough, you will see how your imperfections will be put in their places: fertilizers. Just like a river doesn't care for the rocks in its way, so can I learn to navigate through life, like Water does. This is it for now. Here is a song by Marie: Gratidão (Gratitude)