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@khalifa Not sure if I already asked but did you ever explore MDMA? I used it for issues I later realised were related to trauma and it helped a lot, may help you too. Helped me be more emotionally open to the ego dissolving experience on traditional psychedelics e.g. LSD. The trauma may have closed your heart and needs an opening before any other work can be done.

Human is just more consciousness, you're living my life right now, you must be bored as fuck.

@ShugendoRa haha yea as a producer myself (music) I can attest to that lmao. But it's only highlighting what's in oneself; I've seen plenty of people who have done psychedelics with shit work, so it ain't a magic bullet. @Call Me Whatever I was in the same position as you, you're telling yourself this story that you lack creativity; you're judging yourself before really trying. Believe in your ideas and take risks, be as vulnerable as possible. Lessen your attachment to your work; whatever happens, happens. When the ego gets too involved in the creative process it ruins it from my experience. Try to be more open and less judgemental (mindfulness helps here). Try to explore areas of your field you aren't used to (e.g. if you're in music try listen to genres you wouldn't listen to and try find something you appreciate there) and try see if you can incorporate those elements into your own work. Keep things fresh always. Also do things that you get you OUT OF OUR HEAD. Exercise and meditation is a solid combo but whatever does it for you will do. Hope that helps.

You don't need modafinil, nor should you want it. It's too powerful so if you feel like you're struggling with focus and you take it dependency could very well creep in. The caffeine/l-theanine stack is more than enough for most people I think, and it's far more sustainable. Best coupled with running and meditation. Social media is also fucked for your focus; I'm still recovering from that addiction and I can tell you it messes your focus to a profound degree.

alternating between 3-4 different techniques kept things interesting for me, although sometimes all you can do is take a break. The benefit of stopping for a while is that you'll see what it does to your mind and you'll want nothing of it; all the neuroses and monkey mind start creeping back in like crazy. Also not being too hard on yourself helps.

I don't understand the question; the more wisdom I gain the more creative I am! They're very interrelated for me.

Currently enjoying a big fat glass of whiskey to this haha, cheers!

LSD can show you the light too, certainly did for me.

A big dose of that before a meditation should prep u nicely I'd assume; I'm yet to find anything that negatively interacts with l-theanine.

@Carl-Richard well said.

It's a meaningful purposeless existence

The last of us and uncharted games taught me a lot about developing strong relationships with people actually; great games would recommend

I'm surprised pretty much no one could tell the reply was flippant; felt obvious to me...? People read way too much into everything

@lmfao Hey man, I'd recommend ashwagandha and l-theanine, as well as yoga nidra (it's awesome btw) Generally speaking most insomnia's caused by some amount of anxiety, although I won't make assumptions, just food for thought. I was taking ashwagandha during a particularly stressful time in my life, and that stuff was amazing, so amazing that I eventually had to stop because it made me TOO relaxed to the point of being lazy aha, just goes to show how well it works. The L-theanine's also really good especially for racing thoughts you might have at night. "Meditation in a pill" I've heard it called, I'd venture to say that's pretty accurate. Nootropics depot's where I got both if you're interested.

Great report! I'm SO intrigued by this psychedelic... ahh maybe one day @electroBeam Did you find it particularly emotional in comparison to other psychs?

@Leo Gura I think it just kicks in slower if u do that

where exactly is this quote of muhammad saying all is one? I'm actually pretty well educated on Muhammad, and in my eyes you cannot see all as yourself whilst simultaneously holding bigoted views. He was a product of his time, maybe he channelled spirits, maybe he did have some nondual insight, but awake? No. Sufism is all well and good, but is blasphemous in the eyes of many respected muslim scholars, so I'm not sure why you would link me to such teachers.

Pretty sure he's doing the event for charity, so not that egotistical in my eyes. The ego still has a function - the key is to not be its bitch. He seems way more down to earth and present in his podcasts post 5-meo, so it must have done something.

Muhammad was not awake

Where can I find the full video?

@The Monk I'm confident a counsellor at your university should be able to point you in the right direction no worries at all, they'll be able to point you to a good psychologist. If you explain to them you have OCD before going into details of specific obsessions, they will understand. "I really feel like I need to get rid of this uncertainty, then tackle the issue head on." The NEED to get rid of your uncertainty IS THE CORE ISSUE. Certainty can never be attained, merely accepted and in time even embraced, this is the biggest pill to swallow with OCD. "Get out of your mind and into your life" By Steven C Hayes is a great starting point, following that to a T will take you far. Fear is very much like a tree. We have many fears "what will this person think of me? What if I can't pay my rent in time? What if my boss doesn't like me?" But in reality all these fears go deeper than that. The fear of lacking resources, of being alone, and ultimately death. In truth you don't fear being a pedophile, you fear being alone. Stop looking at the superficial surface fears and focus on the root of your fears. Idk what else I can help you with, besides you doing the actual work. You're getting stuck in a loop of more certainty chasing with this thread (not that you should feel sorry for that, stop feeling sorry!)

@The Monk I've never heard of counsellors/therapists breaking confidentiality unless they were confident the person was a serious threat to others or themselves, even if it were at a university. A counsellor at your university may be able to point you in the right direction as far as quality therapists for OCD go, online or not. Your mental health is more important than any other thing in your life, so don't be cheap with it. You need to be confident they're worth their salt. A bad therapist can seriously fuck you up. When a therapist is bad, they're BAD. But CBT and Acceptance and Commitment therapy can be done by oneself too quite successfully. Majority of the work I did was by myself. Check out some books by Steven C Hayes, he has some great work. Like I said the boner included isn't uncommon at all, I experienced the exact same thing with homosexual OCD. The uncertainty is shit I know, but believe it or not you will get to a point where you can embrace the uncertainty. Allow all of it to arise, all of the uncertainty, this is unfortunately the only way. Don't get attached to the relief either, it is a drug. Chasing certainty is no different than a drug addiction.

@The Monk I'd HIGHLY recommend checking out this guy Mark Freeman, he is your best bet with this 100%. I'm deeply passionate about this having experienced it I don't want another person ever going through this, no one deserves this hell. You are loved, don't forget that.

@The Monk considering you haven't committed any crimes, or told them you genuinely want to talk with children and develop some relationship with them, then no, you should be fine. You clearly aren't enjoying these thoughts which I would emphasise. "The difference between someone living with POCD and an actual pedophile couldn’t be greater. A pedophile takes pleasure in situations in which they have an opportunity to find sexual gratification around children. Someone living with POCD will do the exact opposite. Sufferers of POCD are so horrified by their thoughts that they will avoid children at all costs." I had homosexual OCD as well, and did the exact same thing you did, and yes got intrusive urges that included a boner (you can read on forums of many others having similar experiences with sexual OCD). As well as constant checking compulsions to see if it would happen again. Over and over again because certainty could never be attained, it was like a drug to me. This isn't totally about whether or not it's even taboo in culture. There's gay people with STRAIGHT OCD that feel deeply disturbed by the possibility of being straight! It's the fact that these intrusive thoughts/feelings/urges/sensations are EGO DYSTONIC, meaning "thoughts, impulses, and behaviors that are felt to be repugnant, distressing, unacceptable or inconsistent with one's self-concept" that create such strong suffering. You shouldn't feel you need to be blamed! Don't let your brain be your bully! Self love is crucial. Everything you're going through is completely normal, you're not bad, nor should you feel blamed.

Do you have fears of abandonment and struggle with anger? If so BPD does sound likely, keep in mind through none of us are professionals @pangolin