Shin

Then inquire why you feel lonely

Could you really feel loneliness if there never was someone else than you ?

?????

So ?

Worth it ? Yes, Exactly

I'm just searching an excuse, Leo said it from the beginning There is a difference between thinking you know and the real thing apparently

Why can't I have a peaceful, unexpected awakening like everyone else ??? Or that happens to everyone and you just conveniently never mention it ? ? Assholes ?? I want to do some cardio now, but, well, that's scary ????

Die before you die, And find out ?

The fear isn't about not wanting to see something from the unconscious mind, it's deeper than that. It doesn't feel the same at all. It's hitting the rock bottom root of fear.

Oh boy «I'm going to die, yes, ok No really I'm going to die, ok This is the real thing, this is the real thing» ??????

Yes, but it's stupid, so that doesn't count !

Yes, I don't mind.

Nice journal

Does the energy is located somewhere precisely, or is it everywhere ?

Here we go again. Drama mod on (didn't take that much time ) I don't think it's going to stop anymore. It may pass for a while, but it will come back again, and again, and again, until I surrender. Whatever that is, it must be important, since what my mind automatically comes up with is "let it go, let it all go". This fear that comes when the heart contract, this is no ordinary fear. I'm not even sure the heart is actually contracting, it may just be energy in it or around it. This isn't the same kind of fear that came when I had to face all my inner issues in the past, This is far more powerful and existential than I ever experienced, even the deepest fears and discomfort I ever had. There is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much fear, I distract myself all the time not to sit with it alone, except when I do my daily sitted meditation. It really feels like I'm gonna die if I wasn't pushing it away. I watched myself cry before writting this, I don't even know why. I can only assume, but I don't even want to do this, because it would just scare me even more. It's just not going to go away, and I'm not sure I want to. One way or another I'll have to face it again anyway . At the same time I don't want to face it, it's just too scary. But I don't have a choice, so I have to. You think it would help to know all the concepts and what could happen. So so wrong … Pray for me

The fact that you are defending yourself kinda makes it hard to believe you achieved any serious level of consciousness. You just wouldn't have time for this crap if that was the case.

?

When you actually stop to identify to the though process, you can't stop meditating, it becomes what you were always be. So don't stop and continue until that happens, then you can drop sitted meditation if you want, but at that point you would want to do it just because it feels natural rather than an obligation.

That's why the word ability is used ?