KoryKat

Hello my good people! I am relocating from TX to SoCal (between LA and San Diego) (living in van) and I am looking to get networked with locals that are like-minded about the spirituality side. Trying to avoid -religious dogma , -tourist , and -costly programs If anyone has suggestions, I'm all ears. I pretty much just decided on a whim to travel, and Ive always been down to live a monk-style life... Although, I am a radical hardcore visionary/ Transpersonal studies , and I would like to work on entrepreneurship on the side (high level of immersion but not completely) Much love all -Kory Edit:// Should this be under Self-Actualization? Mb

Also I created a internal split... Indulging in old habits. I kept quietening the voice telling me to do what I should do, now I'm suffering some subconscious permeation of despair... It's like I can feel I need to like "snap out of it" but it's become so heavy than I can't. And and also also: I've been suicidal since November and can't talk about it with anybody. It's like standard practice that everyone tries to put me in rehab like in a straight jacket or something... I just need the *affect* of love. I'm not going to kill myself, but I've been envisioning it for last 80 days or so.

Hello everybody, I especially love this community and what it stands for, who we are. On that note , who am I? Let's jump into the weird: I am a freak on a leash. A puppet to a shadow. The shadow being my ego of course. And whatever I am, I am A LOTTTTTTT of it. And it's kinda freaky. Briefly real talk: Hi , I'm Kory , I live in my van last my months around Texas. I'm 33 , madly philosophical , and I've driven everyone out of my life, and it's been a struggle to not numb my mind on League of Legends and weed while off/on following this stuff for years. I was totally in the underground cult-like dating/pick-up scene dropping out of Computer Science college degree to go alllll the wayyyyyyy down the rabbit..fkin. hole. These 2 lines from Rudyard Kipling's "If" poem (beautiful btw) really get me. "If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools" It's like the truth has become the reason I hate people. My therapist is as con-fucking-fused as everybody else. I even got a really qualfied one this time... *Sigh* It's because I use a lot of next-level consciousness language in my opinion , and stuff from Leo got me so far "say bro, what if everything is a mind game ,and everything is consciousness..." Yeahhhh no, nobody understands it. Here I am, Leo and Tom Bilyeu are my two favs , looking into finding a sense of Maslow's "Belonging" , because it's like I am this monster, an enigma, a freak of nature, and now I've tested it...this is not something a therapist or mental health professional can help me with , truly... I do not belong with the drones of society and I've exhausted every last fiber of my being trying to prove myself wrong. What now ????

My main problem now isnt that I'm homeless in my van unemployed and not looking for work... It's ultimately my lack of being able to connect like eye-contact. It's this dreadfully agonizing fear and pain of an explosion of panic when I interact with people. I've slowly whittled my life to *literally* ZERO people I talk to, Everytime I work somewhere, I peace out in 3-6 months as the people wear on me. I can't stand most people. I can't call my family and ask for help because I'm so stuck on my high horse or something. Ive had this chronic misunderstood-swan syndrome (being a swan among ducks and being excluded) it's like I've always been exceptional and when people compliment me and personally relate with me, my performance can be extremely good... But when I feel there is no hope of fitting into anywhere, I just dunno why I bother. I'm hopeless. Out of the 3 motivations Power/Achievement/Affiliation , I was driven for power to help others , but now I believe I'm so strange after countless negative experiences with people. I always wanted to be the peoples' champion, but now I am emotionally affected like unwelcomed. I really need to find community and connect with people in a way I can be like a "peoples champion", but I've gotten so bad now that I'm totally and completely alone now, rotting away in my van. The problem is the negative feeling I get interacting with people ... And that that is my strength (social) and it's become my weakness now, due to a lot of negative trauma added up. Thanks, bit confusing, but the 'social panic-fear' is where it seems sourced. -Kory

@Gesundheit2 my original curiosity was women/dating , and I have been looking to more self-related manners directly instead (getting my life straight before chasing women) But having sex with women got me high on life in a way that I was all about it... But now it's like an uphill battle trying to do this by myself, because it has been hard to go back to my past ways

@flume Radical Honesty has been on my list to read. quit therapy , they just want me to talk to them and it's really not self-actualizing directly. When you say releasing *one at a time* you mean like a single thread of thought processed in my mind, and processing emotions , just individually mindfully? What about true/ultimate self-alignment? I guess it's all separated out like Lego blocks to function as needed?

I will think it over. Thanks. The absolute domain is nice. It's one I've found quite helpful. I just know the reality is my being , form energy body, is emotional , and it gets unhealthy sickness due to isolation... Absolute domain has not been a liberating force from the sickness of isolation of our soul-expression-uniqueness

I responded hastily while being tired. Editing out.

I am looking on Twitch at Mental Health and Mindfulness tags and seeing a vacancy for the next Alan Watts-like character to become a star. There aren't Discord channels I can find with communities for the anime-weebs and normies out there. All these gamers are mentally insane and needing leadership , such as HealthyGamerGG's mental health community. If this unfolds and we all awaken, then it's not a question of 'if' it becomes mainstream, it's 'when'... And fat saggy men are streaming in bikinis in hottubs on twitch as a meme and getting famous + the number of people being suicidally insane being astronomical.. What are we doing? I say we start an army. We can make Leo our George Washington

There is a video with Kim Barta and that older guy with glasses who is on Integral Life channels called Shadow and Light of Higher Stages of Consciousness or something... I think around 30-60 mins he starts using the analogy about 'Knights of the Round Table' as the multiple perspectives and giving each their own kingship authority , not just equality, that was really powerful

Win/win?