Shir

Hey Everyone! So, I GENUINELY would like to ask - how can one truly know if marriage is right for them? I realize that must be quite a loaded Q, with no short nor simple answer... However, what sparked this topic for me right now was today, coming across 2 old school friends on Facebook (women) (both of which are no longer my friends but I did become nostalgic and wanted to try and find them again) - Once I did luckily find them - I then realized...they both already got married. One, a year ago and the other even less than a year ago. Instead of being happy for them (I guess?) I couldn't help but feel a bit sad, like they and everyone else is moving forward in life and accomplishing big things. Like getting married. I immeditatly felt "...Oh." and got sad, like I was missing out on life so to speak. And, many of my other friends (facebook too lol, just other friends I've known over the years from school, uni, military ect) - it seems like even they, one by one, every single day I check in - have gotten married (maybe it's the age group? we're all 28). I just couldn't help but notice that. I fully understand and realize that I CANNOT truly know if a married couple is happy and for all I know, maybe they're all happy and maybe some are not. But, I just couldn't help but feel like literally EVERYONE is moving forward in life and I'm just...stuck behind. It just really promped me to question myself - is marriage even for me? I've never been in a relationship (romantically) (stuff didn't work out) and being single for 28 years...well, you know, it's all you really know. I'm used to it. I've lost the interest to date tbh, it just always seems like I'm never really good enough for anyone and feeling that over and over again is just tuly dishearting because the last thing I want to feel is feeling like I am not worthy enough of getting married - and truth be told I already do feel this way. It's just that I don't feel pretty enough right now, not accomplished enough in my studies and carrer, not where I want to be body image wise. I have NOTHING against better-ing myself aka getting fitter, accomplishing new goals and working on myself physically, mentally, emotionally ect...but, at this point I question if I am ever going to be ever enough already, as I am. It seems like I have to be full on so skinny, have perfect skin, perfect hair, so this amazing women with degrees upon degrees and a perfect carrer ect just to even get noticed. It would feel nice to feel enough for once, in my life. Just being me as I am already. And, I don't feel like I have really had positive role models for a healthy marriage to aspire to, if that makes sense. When I was in Therapy and my then Therapist discussed me losing the will to form romantic relationships (this has been going on for almost 3 years) - he actually felt and looked SO sad for me; genuinely in the verge of tears, for me. Saying he'd feel so sad for me if I gave up the oppurtunity to pursue that in life and strongly urged me to not give that up. But then I just feel in my day to day life...it feels nice to not get judged by a man and to feel like I can just "do me". I couldn't stand when a guy would constantly nag at me and ask "why aren't you going to the gym everyday??", "what are you doing today?", "where do you go for fun?", talking about their dick and balls, sex all the time, blah blah blah...I just feel like I want to lay in bed and do me and not have to answer to any man. As sad at that sounds. I guess I'm just feeling mixed emotions Would love to know your thoughts, if one can even know if marriage is right for them? I just feel like everyone is moving forward in life and I'm stuck feeling like "marriage is something that happens to other ppl, and not for me. I'm not good enough". *Sigh*. Thank you.

@Alfonsoo As long as you respect her bounderies and genuinely enjoy/love each other - you're fine. I don't see anything wrong here.

Hey Everyone! So long story short, I feel like I really beileve in saving sex for marriage. No, I never grew up relgious - I would just call myself spritual. And no, I am not doing it "for religious reasons" although I feel like that wouldn't hurt anyone either... I was also like to point out that I was never "told" to do so (save sex for marriage) - it literally became something I decided with myself. For reference, I'm a 28 virgin Lady BUT a virgin by choice - I know that if I really, really wanted to - I could have had sex by now, however I have chosen not to and it was essentially for many reasons (in regards to my situations; not the right man for me, a man who's marriaged/taken, someone who pressured just for sex, men who were not interested in a relationship, fuck boys...you name it). I have a few reasons why I would like to save sex for marriage; -> Birth Control - Abstinance is the BEST form of birth control aka 100%. I do not want to go on the pill either and would rather not use any other synthetic or artifical form of birth control then I guess a condom and or family planning (I need to look more into that and educate myself more). -> Preventing pregnancy OUT of wedlock - I do not believe in having kids out of wedlock; call me old fashioned, the whole thing (still) seems very bizarre to me. I grew up in Asia in the 90's (not Asian) but the whole baby daddy culture seems obsolete to me way back then. I'm not saying it NEVER happened, it probably did, but it wasn't something anyone was proud of nor boasted about. Again, I am NOT saying accidents don't happen. I know women get pregnant and it's sometimes NOT planned - what I'm trying to say is that I want to be intential about children and would rather, in the situation of pregnancy, get pregnant only within marriage. I want to have as MUCH control as I can in regards to when I would want to get pregnant and if ever (out/in wedlock). -> I'd rather not get used for just sex - I hold up physical intimicay to the highest standard and would do anything to not get used. -> I'd want a Man who's into it for the right reasons - I'm not looking to date, I'm looking for potential partners whom are marriage material; I have no interest entertaining a man with just sex. -> I'm NOT into hook-up culture. I do NOT believe nor desire any one-night stands. -> Preventing STD'S & STI'S - Being in a marriage isn't fool proof of this, but it's a way, way better situation rather than just having casual sex and or just a relationship in order to prevent the STD's and STI's. -> Relgious/Spiritual reasons - Although I am not religious and only spiritual, I still DO believe in God's design to with hold sex within marriage ONLY. I really do feel that there is intelligent design and much thought put into this in regards to pro-creation, pleasure, intimacy ect. -> Preventing abortions - Sex has the POWER to create and end a life. Although I am pro-choice (slowy seem to be becoming more so pro-life perhaps), I hold up sex as a sacred thing and would do anything to do my very BEST in order to not put myself in a situations where I feel like abortion is a choice I would go to. That being said - I DO believe in pro choice in the sense that I have absolutely no power over another woman's body and she should make the right choice for HER and HER body and hopefully the right choice if a partner is involved. -> Spiritual ties - I have to look more into this but it said that sex can create spiritual ties and if done with the "wrong" partner, could have emotional pain ect.. -> I practice abstinance as a SPIRITUAL PRACTICE - I feel so much more liberated without the constant battle of sex and or physical connections. -> I want to date without the pressure for sex ALL THE TIME - I want to get to know the other person, I don't want sex to be begged for nor asked of me all the damn time. -> Saving sex for marriage seem way more fun & exciting to ME (!!!) -> Sexual chemistry is not that complicated imo - I know exactly what I want and can communicate it and have it communicated back. I am not shy about sex talk ect. Sex is not supposed to be literally 1000% porn star quality the very first time nor does it have to be. I'd rather grow and learn with a partner. -> I fully believe that as a woman, saving sex for marraige is literally the best thing a woman can do for herself - for her physical health, emotional health, mental health & spiritual health. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I also want to point out that I have noticied, within myself that I have become more "conservative" in regards to the whole sex issue because if I look back in my life I can remember that I didn't start with me "wanting to save sex for marriage" but rather it was a gradual decision I have come to within myself, so to speak. So basically, I remember myself "starting out" with me feeling like okay if I do eventually have sex, it'll be "a year into a realtionship" and then that feeling changed into okay if I do have sex it'll be "only with my fiance and that can happen before marriage" but NOW I just feel like the best thing for me is realizing I'd rather SAVE sex for marriage. I would like to also say that I AM NOT ASEXUAL. I'm purly a HETROSEXUAL woman. I do have a libido and I do desire sex, have fantasies, have sexual desires & fantasies and actual wants I wants within sex ect (MORE than you know!!!) ...I know deep down I am a very passionate, sexual and sensual woman. I am not timid, I know exactly what I want and desire within sex and sexual/physical intimacy. When I was younger, way more hormonal lol - it was WAY harder to control all of this. Today, it feels way easier imo. I have absolutely no worry of me not being able to "satisfy" a future potential parter sexually. So saying all this, what I THINK I am asking is - Is it that crazy to save sex till marriage?! I want to add that I would NEVER pressure a man to change for me if saving sex for marriage is something he does NOT want to do. I would never force anyone to bend into what I want in this regards. All I would want is to be respected and have my bounderies heard. The door is always open and I do not believe in keeping a man "hostage" with the no sex thing. I know what I am worth and if it's something that he feels he doesn't want then I would be the last person to force him to stay. I've just come to a point in my life where people think it's SO ODD that I want to save sex for marriage - BUT IF I WERE RELIGIOUS - then "oh of course, that's fine!" But because I am not - I am labled weird, timid ect, you name it. I absolutely hate this. I think this is hypocrisy at it's FINEST. Because hey, let's say I did not believe in saving sex for marriage - what if the situation was literally and only just "I never found the right man yet" - why is that so odd? It makes so, so much sense to me and if someone shared that with me I'd be all "oh I see, that's cool! I hope you get to find the right person for you and be as content as can be with them". So...I say all this to also share that WHERE I LIVE - If you're religious, saving sex for marriage is literally 100% natural, expected and respected. That doesn't mean that literally 100% of religious ppl do so. On the flip side, "secular" ppl (me included!) do not "practice" said value above - and that's okay - however because of these 2 things and 2 different types of cultures - I feel like I do not belong nor fit in any. Technically speaking I am seculer and have no problem dating the same (secular men) But my values are seen as extreme, odd ect. On the other hand I cannot date religious ppl in my country because a) I am not religious, it's not something they look for b) I have no personal interest in changing myself by becoming religious. So...I am pretty much stuck and don't belong anywhere. If I lived in the states though, I bet I could "find" men who do believe in saving sex for marriage but alas not from the states lol. I would like to also add that I KNOW Men & Women have sexual needs (!!!) and that's perfectly fine. I have no interest in "making someone suffer". I am denying my own sexual needs, wants and desires in saving sex for marriage. So if the choice is not the right choice for the men - I FULLY respect that!!! And would not force them to do that for me. Before anyone attacks me I would like to be CRYSTAL CLEAR - I do NOT think saving sex for marraige is for everyone. I think the BEST thing you can do is to do what you feel is best for YOU. I am not saying every men nor woman should "be" as I am nor decide to save sex for marriage. If you want to have sex outside of marriage, are happy and content - I AM FOR YOU. I fully believe that best thing is to do what makes you HAPPY. Would LOVE to hear your thoughts ! Especially from the Men on here. THANK YOU!

@Arcangelo You wish I was lmao, why are you so incredibly in disbelief? Woman can control their sexual urges and pick their sexual partners...it's literally not a big deal. Plus, it seems like you're making it seem wayyyyy more than it is - many people who are actually religious do the same, what's so groundbreaking for you to understand? I'll wait. And, I am so chill about this do idk why you're going out of your way to stay stuff about me when every single time I am very, very straightforward with you.

@Arcangelo How am I respressing my sexuality if I just said I could get sex right away, if I really wanted to? You seem awefully concerned about me respressing my sexuality when in fact I told you I feel so much more liberated denying my sexual wants/desires. If I could go back - I STILL would do the same. Even more so, tbh ! I don't cheat - that's a character issue, not a "I repressed my sexuality issue". People should be GROWN adults, and get divorced if they feel like they're about to cheat. My character is better than that, believe me. I look forward to giving my full sexuality to my (future) Husband.

@Arcangelo Awesome, good for you.

@Arcangelo You literally cannot pay me enough to get me to have one night stands lmao. I find them so incredibly gross, you have no idea... But hey, you do you ! And btw - I LOVE feeling this liberated and so called "repressing" my sexuality. I could go and have sex right now if I really wanted to - who's really being respressed here? Sure isn't me.

@Gesundheit I am very open, yes. Everyone has a lot to learn on any topic, let's be honest haha. Thank you for your honesty, I understand yes. I personally wouldn't say I want to have a marriage asap - if that were the case, I'd know I'm only rushing it for sex and since I am chill about it I know I'd want marriage for the right reasons. But, thanks for your concern. I appreciate it. Btw I think every women (that wants marriage) does get a bit panicky about getting married when they're getting older. Being 28 now, it does make me a bit...anxious? Idk. I guess if it's meant to be than I should calm down. Plus if you want kids, society really pressures you (as a woman) to do so before 35 and that also does my head in sometimes as I am still in Uni and trying to build a career and feel super pressured to do it all, much less find the perfect man and has kids in time *sigh*. Btw, I know I seem super intense/critical in my replies to ya'll but I promise I am a very sweet Lady lol. I feel like I'm coming off super intense and mean and that's a shame.

@Danioover9000 Funny you say this as I am EXTREMELY SECULAR and lead a VERY secular life To an actual religious person I would be seen as a sinner no doubt so I find it hilarious you think I'm some kind of rigid person that cannot break out of the shell. Being set on a belif is different than GROWING into a belif. I grew up soooooo secular, it's practically next to impossible that I ever got to any religious beliefs whatsoever. Like I mentioned above, I believe in intelligent design that trancends religion itself. I don't open the bible and act religous or what have you. I am literally one of the most liberal ppl you could ever meet - the fact that I don't go and have sex is my choice and I enjoy and feel liberated with my choice. I don't go around saying this in my day to day life and so what you said is not something anyone has ever said about me. Like I mentioned I am very liberal and secular it's almost a joke.

@Consept I VERY much respect what you said and suggested here!!! You're right, even if the man/marriage is perfect I know deep down I have ISSUES sadly lol. I really would like to go back to Therapy one day and resolve them, for sure. I really do need to do this for myself and I apprecaite you understanding where I am coming from! You know, I read this right now and I understand...yes. But at the same time, if I REALLY wanna go wild and think to myself okay, step aside and don't stick to your beliefs, I feel like it's just because of societal pressure and it's not really who I am. If I was in a postition where I was 50/50 with my beliefs and was itching to try "the other side" then I totally would meddle in it and try to go the other way but deep down? I feel like It's not for me and wouldn't give me joy, even if I go against the whole belif thing (aka I wouldn't get any joy even if I tried the 180 and decided to not stick to any belifs). I do believe in intelligent design and I feel like there's so much to it (especially with marriage) - I think that if there's someone like me that is not even religious and I'm attracted to it - that says a lot about it. Btw, I feel very strongly about Panthism as well if that's any indication haha. I'll see how things go but I'll remember your advice to not stick to beliefs and to try and see the other side for perspective!

@Mu_ Are you trying to control how I should respond, Moderator? Because if that's the case then you can only control how YOU respond, not other people. I have said my peace on the matter. If that's not welcome and you feel that I have disrespected said man (I also feel disrespected) - then by all means, I do apologize.

@Gesundheit I understand, yes. I realize marriage isn't perfect. I don't feel happy/interested in or excited to just have a "regular" relationship because it doesn't seem like anything to look forward to and it seems super juvenile to older you get. Like, I get it that ppl are happy either way and that's AWESOME but I don't think it's for me - and who knows? Maybe marriage isn't for me either but it's someone that I feel like is still a pinnacle to relationships. I've heard of ppl that have been together for literally 9 years, got married and then divorced a year-2 years later. I wonder why that is? It does make you question stuff for sure. You're right though, everyone still needs to look more into "what they're getting into" when it comes to marriage, I get you. Sorry to hear you have no heard of any marriage that is successful though - I have heard of many lol. You see alot of them that are if you look well enough.

@Consept He literally said that analogy AND said "every other reason is stupid" -> pretty sure there was ill intention here and if not, it was not welcome.

@Consept TOTALLY!!! I'm glad your got me - thank you for that You're right, I totally understand the whole brainwashing thing. Makes a lot of sense. Btw funny enough - I'm not Muslin Nor Christian/Catholic haha...but strangely enough I am drawn to the latter. I enjoyed the way you worded things - I completely agree! You're soo right. I see what you're saying yes, that the "odd" thing with my situation is that from the outside it seems to be weird that I've come to this. I respect you prointing out my flaws in my arguments yes, that's fine. I don't remember if I've mentioned it in a reponse to you or someone else that pointed out in question if there's any other psychological reaon/s for my stance - but I did answer that I do have a deep rooted fear for rejection. Now, I think it's also abandonment (now that I'm thinking about it - probably a mix of the 2). I've been rejected a lot in my life, for many different reasons; by family, friends, men and potentional partners (aka those that really wanted to propose). Hopefully this makes more sense. I totally get you on the push back aspect of not being tied to any beliefs/spotting them out - I see this keeps occuring on my thread/others and so now I understand more so the pushback. I totally understand that there are benefits to doing so but for some reason was not prepared to have it done to me lol. Opps. I apprecaite the notion of looking at things from different perspective yes, but the more I seem to try and do it (with the help of you and others that have commented on my thread) - it makes me feel like I am so much happier/content in sticking to my beliefs and that they make so much logical sense to me in every way, shape and form. Hopefully that makes sense despite everything I said.

Other women before me have already pointed out exactly what I stated myself. I don't feel the need to muffle my thoughts on the subject. Maybe if more than 1 woman is trying to tell you something - that's an indication that what you said is not right/does't sit well with ppl and needs to be inspected. I will say this again - do not make an analogy between human beings and objects. I do not take lightly any objectifaction of human beings. I've been made to feel objectifed for all of my teen years + adult years -> there's a reason I am saying what I am saying and how rude of an analogy that was. Instead of defending that, you should try to understand why we women aren't too fond of being in an analogy with cars. We do not need to be test drived. We're worth more than that, thank you very much. Don't say stupid shit to women, then you won't get "bat shit crazy" responses - crazy idea right? Here's another beauty - play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

@Gesundheit I totally understand marriage isn't perfect and stuff can go wrong like infidelity and other things BUT I feel like there's a reason marriage is important, sacred and distinct from just a conventional bf-gf relationship. At this point in my life, I'm not dating just to be a gf, I'm dating as wife material. I don't care to be a gf, seems like a waste of time for me (at this point) (personally!!). Ya'll may think I'm weird but you should read up into soul mates. Read up into actual sprituality. There's beautiful things to be said about marriage as well. I respect it. I look up to that and take marriage very seriously. Nothing is perfect of course but I do think marriage is still the pinnacle of realtionships and I've never wavered on that tbh.

@K Ghoul EXACTLY !!!! I completely agree I'm very pro dating, hopefully my post doesn't make it seem like I'm only into getting married just to get married and not into getting to know the other person haha.

@Consept The point of the thread, for me, was trying to understand why my stance is super odd/radical just because I am not religious and hold these thoughts/beliefs in what I want to do in regards to the topic; because, others who literally hold the same beliefs as me, whom are religious - are NOT being judged so harshly and everyone "get's them" perfectly fine. And so, i wanted to present my thoughts and honestly understand why it's so weird because on the outside if I said I'm religious - they would be VERY MUCH appected and respected. However being that I am not - there are seen very oddly and so that is why I also was interest in the perspective of the opposite sex, in my situation. Basically, I wanted to shed a light on this type of hyposcrisy which I think is ridiculous tbh. I am very set on my beliefs, yes - I don't know anyone can change them 180 lol. That's not to say I don't mind reading other's opinion, I enjoy so. Perspective is very, very important. Literally just the other day I saw this vid from an OB/GYN that talked about the BIOLOGICAL function of a hymen and it was veryyyy insightful as it has nothing to do with sex/purity ect. It made me question, for a moment, how biologically my stance doesn't matter. And so yes - although I am set on my beliefs, I do have moments like these that do make me question them if they're met the right way, so to speak. I thank anyone that says anything they believe in DOES want confirmation - it's a very pychological need that everyone shares, not only me. Moving past stage blue is awesome, don't get me wrong, I'm just not in the business of wanting ppl to agree with me (although that's very, very nice and makes me and anyone else feel great) - I just want to be heard and understood because this topic is not met nicely in the real world and like I seen - seen as odd. Hopefully I could explain myself better.

@Gesundheit Thank you, I really do appreciate it and mean it! Good luck as well in finding your soulmate too (if you haven't already). I totally understand perfection isn't real, I think more so the opposite is more beautiful so I totally get you haha.

@Gesundheit Lol, I'm not against masturbation - no need to worry about me! But totally get you, yeah. And thank you - sorry for coming off intense/tense either way OPPS

That's fine, I apprecaite your thoughts - I just find it funny that when ppl say I'm going by beliefs ect - it's the same when you go 180 on them and belif THAT to be true - which is clearly ALSO a belif. I will certainly do what I want, yes. And just FYI -> It's rude to call a woman a dude, I'm not a dude lmao. Please refrain from calling grown adult woman dudes. We're not in middle school anymore.

@soos_mite_ah THANK YOU !!! I completely agree, it doesn't feel regressing at all to me personally haha Thank you girl, completely agree with literally everything you said !

@Gesundheit You know, for someone that very lightly thinks my reasons are selfish - all you said still sounds pretty empty. And, how would YOU know marriage is not sacred? You saying marriage isn't sacred is also a BELIEF.

@universe You quoted this, I stand being my words lol. I am perfectly fine denying my sexual needs - in fact, I feel more LIBERATED by this. I don't go into this animal instict and I control who I want to sleep with, where and when. it's amazing to not give in. I highly suggest it. It's literally one of the best things I did in life and I avoided a lot of bad men, heartbreak not to mention other consequinces that comes with sex ect. You're right, it is my choice haha. I wish people wouldn't think it's old-fashioned and respressive though becuase it certainly is 100% my choice. I understand that men would be frustrated with my decision, but call it tough love - they can suck it up. I'm not chaining anyone to me. They can go if it's not for them and I'm happy to let them go because I have no interest in forcing someone to abide by me nor my standards if they cannot go by them. The same way I would NEED to respect a man that doesn't want to have sex with me - I can suck it up and either respect that or let him go. I sincerely do not think it's that hard but that's my 2 cents. HOWEVER! I really apprecaite your thoughts and your example that you shared was actually VERY enlightening ! I could feel more why a man would be as he is according to your words. and on your last sentence - true <3

@Mada_ Why would I need to if it makes perfect sense to me? ALL MY LIFE it made perfect sense to only have sex within marriage, I'm not even religious lol! The only thing that didn't make sense is literally how society works and treats it very, very lightly. I don't treat sex lightly. It has the power to create life. And listen, when I DID questin it - literally all that came up in my mind is WHY DO I EVEN WANT TO HAVE SEX BEFOREHAND? all the reasons that came up were literally just for selfish reasons, nothing more really. I wanted to feel pleasure, loved sexually, lusted over, fantasized about ect...it was all me me me me. I much prefer to practice safe and loving sex in marriage where it's intentional, more caring and has actual & proper commitment emotionally, mentally and legally. And, I totally understand that you said sex if fun - I bet it is !!! But, I don't feel like the consequences are worth it at this point in my life.