Raphael

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Everything posted by Raphael

  1. You can enjoy life by doing what you want and gain experiences. A lot of diverse experiences will develop you and make you so attractive that girls will become automatically attracted to you... Also... you will stop caring about good looking guys like me
  2. The problem though with the masculine energy of my dad is that it is so strong that it can take the entire fucking world with it. However, I have it within me as I came from my dad. I want to learn to carefully calibrate this energy... I want to learn to calibrate it with care... I want to learn to calibrate it with the care of my mom because she is the most caring person that I know...
  3. There's another part of me that I repressed and this part is the masculine. But if I repressed the feminine how did I also repress the masculine? Because: the masculine and the feminine always go together. I had very poor masculine examples while growing up so poor that I told myself that I would not be part of that. However, by doing that I also repressed my masculinity. My dad is one of the most hyper-masculine man that can exist whereas my mom is one of the most hyper-feminine women that can exist. I came from both of them, I see the potential to be perfectly balanced between masculinity and femininity and think that I will be able to do it.
  4. I feel like I'm developing some paranormal abilities...
  5. Things are becoming scary...
  6. This forum exists so that I can meet myself.
  7. I can feel my brain moving under my skull... I can feel my brain expanding itself, retracting itself, re-organizing itself... I can feel my brain expanding to the left or expanding to the right, I can feel it moving up or moving down... I can feel it concentrating or opening... I can feel my brain moving under my skull... I can feel my brain moving under my skull... I can feel my brain... I can feel... I can feel... I can feel... I can feel... I can feel... I can feel... I can... I can... I... ... ...
  8. I'm going to sort this out privately because this is going to be too dirty for this forum...
  9. @Etherial Cat C'est plus compliqué en pratique et ces 4 dernières années ont été très difficiles pour moi. J'ai fait de mon mieux pour garder une attitude décente extérieurement bien que j'étais assez instable intérieurement. Les choses ont commencé à dégringoler pour moi au cours de ces six derniers mois en particulier durant ces deux derniers mois car ma situation professionnelle est en train de changer. J'ai par exemple très peu médité au cours des 3 derniers mois et arrêté de consommer du contenu de développement personnel, toute ma structure est en train de changer. Bien que je progresse j'ai aussi beaucoup de difficultés à atteindre mes objectifs dus à certains traumatismes passés et mauvais conditionnement. Par exemple au niveau organisation et discipline, il s'est passé différentes choses pour moi : J'ai été très organisé et discipliné par le passé mais comme on s'est pas mal foutu de ma gueule et critiqué pour ça j'ai absorbé la pensée qu'être organisé et discipliné est mal. À cause de ça et bien que je faisais de mon mieux c'était en même temps difficile d'être discipliné et organisé (je me battais avec moi-même) On m'a souvent mis la pression pour travailler dur dans le passé. Après une enfance de conditionnement, j'ai eu une période ou je me suis surmené et endommagé De plus comme la culture autour de moi est un peu bordélique par rapport à la culture Européenne et que l'attitude de progrès constant est peu présente, je dois me battre un peu contre les normes sociales. Comme toi, moi aussi j'essaie d'arriver à une balance entre masculinité et féminité en résolvant mes traumatismes et me déconditionnant. Personnellement, de l'extérieur j'ai l'impression que la plupart des gens ont une bonne opinion de moi mais à l'intérieur je me sens faux et j'ai l'impression de projeter une image et je considère que c'est le cas. Je me suis demandé si c'était le syndrome de l'imposteur (flowboy m'avait dit que mon image personnelle était peut-être pétée), mais pour moi ça a l'air d'être le cas car : mes relations sociales et relations avec ma famille sont minimales, j'ai jamais eu beaucoup de relations avec les femmes, et j'ai un projet de développement web que j'essaie d'accomplir depuis longtemps mais prends beaucoup de temps. C'est là où je me sens un peu mal à l'aise... parce que le truc c'est qu'au niveau spiritualité et notamment pour ce qui est des insights j'ai l'impression que beaucoup de choses sont arrivées naturellement pour moi sans avoir à beaucoup investir. Mon cerveau questionne tout le temps tout, c'est son mode par défaut et je crois que c'est ce qui m'a permis d'arriver naturellement à une certaine maturité d'esprit. Je suis également assez intuitif et quand je suis mon intuition j'avance naturellement, par exemple j'ai découvert la méditation intuitivement et assez tôt compris l'intérêt de la contemplation. Le truc c’est que l’on passe tous par différentes phases et c’est donc normal de ressentir davantage certaines émotions dépendant de la phase dans laquelle on est. Néanmoins, il faut également se maintenir et en conséquence: Dans les phases où le moral est plutôt bas: garder un minimum d’organisation pour pouvoir se maintenir mais travailler un peu moins et avoir davantage de temps pour exprimer ses émotions, être avec soi-même, ou se distraire Dans les phases où le moral est plutôt haut: il faut faire attention à ne pas se surmener et prendre des pauses Les émotions doivent également être réprimées parfois. C’est normal de ressentir de la mélancolie ou d’autre émotions mais parfois il faut forcer car il faut vivre et survivre: si les émotions n'avaient pas étés autant réprimées dans le passé on aurait pas pu construire les civilizations et infrastructures dans lesquelles on vis actuellement et qui nous permettent de vivre correctement et davantage exprimer nos émotions aujourd'hui.
  10. I'm like my mom in the body of a guy whereas my sister is like my dad in the body of a girl.
  11. Most Important Things To Sort Out Feeling of inadequacy and avoidant personality disorder Work, Discipline, and Organization Self-Expression and vulnerabilities Impostor Syndrome Relationship with men Relationship with women
  12. The lifespan of this journal is going to be very short. Probably something like 1-2 months ...
  13. I'm sorry for all the dirtiness in this journal, especially in this post: It always gets worst before it gets better and things got to their worst a few days ago. I started to have a ball of anxiety forming up in my stomach and this ball of anxiety got thrown out in the post linked above. I felt it moving from my stomach up to my head, it almost felt like I was dying while writing that. A few minutes after going to bed yesterday I felt the urge to write "I want to die, I want to kill myself" and started writing it again and again and again and again... While doing that I felt some sensations coming from my stomach and moving up to my head. I also felt some pressure on my throat, it was as if the ego was strangling the body in order to kill it. The sentence "I want to die, I want to kill myself" evolved into other sentences until things end up. I had no suicidal feelings, I was just writing and witnessing things happening. I feel like I might have disgusted and traumatized some people by writing what I wrote in the post linked above, I'm sorry. I think that this ego wanted to take a part of the forum with him. In all cases, it showed up the baggage that I had inside me. It included: Things about me Things that trigger me Things that I saw Things that my entourage experienced Things that I accumulated from the media Things that I accumulated from reading this forum I have been emotionally repressed while growing up, I felt like I didn't have the right to complain about anything so because of that I accumulated a huge emotional baggage that I'm currently expressing. Moreover, I didn't have much freedom of speech in work environments from the age of 20 to 22. I got bullied, got some racism, a few strong explosions of rage directed to me, and often times the attitude was "shut up and do the work, no room for creativity and new ideas here". Also, as understanding emotions and people has been my weak point most of my life I didn't know how to deal with the hate inside me except by repressing it until two years ago when I started to learn a bit more about emotions. It's really important to self-express, self-expression is a human right. The list of "it's ok" was at the same time a way to express what I had inside me and to make peace with all these things. As I'm writing this my mind feels much clearer than before. It is still a bit chaotic and I still have many thoughts but I don't really feel that I have ADHD. I started to wonder if I had ADHD two years ago because of how crazy my mind was and the answer that I got to this point is: I have a mind that function in an atypical way and that have some similarities with ADHD minds but this is not ADHD. It was an accumulation of traumas as oftentimes the mind hides the pain. There's a last point that I want to make before finishing this post: I started to notice some passive-aggressive behaviors from me on this forum and I want to apologize here. If you noticed that from me, I apologize. This unhealthy ego is dying and is being replaced by a healthy, vibrant, highly functioning, fully integrated, and fully balanced ego.
  14. Some people over-complicate everything but some people over-simplify everything... Balance again, balance...
  15. It can be a trap to try to make things simple all the time... Why not make things complicated? What's wrong with complexity? What's wrong with being highly nuanced and sophisticated?
  16. So simple and complicated at the same time...
  17. @flowboy You have many gold nuggets and many similarities with me in your journal. Reading it is very useful for me.
  18. About Passive-Aggressiveness @Raphael Do the best that you can but if when sorting yourself out you become passive-aggressive and hurt other people then do it privately. If it becomes too ugly, do things privately.
  19. Nah. This is another ego trick. The ego either wants to brag or either wants to hide in its insecurities. Also, there's something really powerful in sorting myself out publicly as it makes me vulnerable.
  20. Nah... I mean... some parts of me are getting there but overall what I'm currently doing is just sorting out some emotional and psychological issues that are blocking me.