Raphael

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Everything posted by Raphael

  1. What kind of projects do you want to build? Websites? Web applications? Mobile Applications? Desktop applications?
  2. Name: Raphaël Date of birth: 27 march 1997 Age: 22 Psychological development: Blue (10%): I think having a good structure and organization is pretty important, discipline is also important. However, I'm not sufficiently embodying these ideas. I'm probably more organized, structured and disciplined then many people of my age, but I have many moments of disorganized chaos and my discipline needs to be improved. I'm a little too concerned about opinions of people on me; Orange (50%): Thinking independently and critically is very important. I also really like the ideas of autonomy, creating results, freedom of speech, innovation, pushing ourselves, and doing what we want in life. I'm going to the gym, and I want to look good and muscular. One of my biggest needs right now is financial independence and breaking out of wage slavery; Green (30%): Everyone have to be treated fairly, we can disagree with other people, but we should do it in a respectful and conscious way. The environment, vegetables and animal species also have to be treated respectfully. Businesses have to work in a conscious manner and not abuse the environment, people, and other nations. Everyone wants to be treated and paid decently including business owners, so it's better if it's reciprocal. I really like to eat healthy, so that I feel clean inside; Yellow (10%): I like to see things from multiple perspective, I have mixed origins, it helped me to see the world from different angles since a pretty young age. I open my mind to everything, I consider myself as being very open-minded, enough open-minded to admit that I can be close-minded without noticing it. I don't take most things personally, but I can still get hurt and angry by other people. I a very solitary person, I like to contemplate and meditate. I noticed that my mind and body works better after periods of empty space; Turquoise (0%): Not there yet. Note: The above notes on my cognitive development are not 100% accurate, there are just where I feel I am. Of course my ego can delude itself by thinking that I'm weaker or stronger. I'm notably thinking that I can be less stage blue and more stage yellow, maybe it's true, maybe it's false, I'm not sure, but it's important to keep this in mind.
  3. I'm healing, this is phenomenal.
  4. 18 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:15 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:12 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ~ No distractions until 8 PM (Doesn't currently apply as I'm taking a break) ❌ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed (did 45 minutes)
  5. 06 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:37 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:41 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed
  6. Good. You are acknowledging it. It happens, everyone has backslashes. You are aware of it, you are progressing. Continue doing shadow work, it will help you. Good. You are conscious of your difficulties. You are becoming conscious that social connections are part of a happy life. You are progressing. This is true, but you had periods where you have been much more social. You already proved to yourself that you can be social in the past. Let yourself be authentic and tap into that. You have been hurt on this path. This is normal to have some anxiety considering your past experiences. You know that you can make progress here and you have goodwill. Forgive everyone who causes you harm because you also caused harm in the past. You are as equal as them, forgive them by loving them and loving yourself. You know that you actually have this natural ability within you and you know that you only have to let yourself be. You are very different now. You know that you don't only look good but that you are also extremely wise and mature for your age. It is difficult to find someone as wise and mature as you. It's good that you are aware of it. You are progressing in the right direction. Forgive your dad, let go of the conditioning and let your feelings guide you. Good. This is fine, this is normal. Clear the conditioning and the traumas and you'll naturally fix everything in this area. You are currently doing some progress by opening up here. You are being vulnerable by showing how dirty who really are. You are authentic, you are doing great. You know that what you want is authenticity. You want to be completely authentic and in touch with your feelings. You don't want to fit men's expectations of who a man should be nor fit women's expectations of who a man should be. You want to be yourself. You'll find one and you deeply know it. You know that you'll find your balance. You have all the capacity to find a healthy balance. This is inevitable, people aren't perfect and make projections all the time. Also, recognize that you had some moments in your life where you saw some uncommon people and wanted to ask them some questions. Everybody is doing this. You are not perfect, you are not a saint, you are like other people. Forgive these people, accept them, because they are exactly like you in the end. Yes, you struggled a lot, and yes you were unstable, but you made it anyway. Creating a business takes a lot of courage. You are also getting closer to release your first web application, that's a huge achievement especially considering how complex developing an app is. Yes, the fear is irrational. You have the capacity for independent survival and you know it. It's time to fly. Let go of the fear and live. Yes, this is true. A part of you is selfish, but the way that your parents educated you contributed to that. Your parent's always treated you as a kid and never took you seriously. They always wanted to do everything for you, many time they didn't let you the joy to exercise your brain. In consequence, you stopped caring about them because you weren't taken seriously. This is why you've put so much importance on independence and competencies in your life because you wanted to be taken seriously, you didn't want to be seen as an incompetent spoon-fed kid. Now you are expecting everyone to be independent and competent but this is not possible. Also notice that you yourself need others, you cannot do everything by yourself. You live in a society. You know that this idea of being independent and not caring about others went too far. You also know that you like to help. Do you remember how genuine you were when you were a kid? You genuinely wanted to help others and you know that this desire to participate and to help is still there inside you. Allow yourself to tap into that. You also have a lot of shame here, accept it, feel it, and let go. Allow yourself to fly. Good. You are conscious of it, you perfectly know that the challenges that some communities face are much more difficult than others and therefore affect their growth. Some people are just more lucky to be born in better environments. Recognize that just like them, your environment wasn't perfect. Everyone has environmental difficulties. Let's accept that and lets accept people as they are. Good. You are perfectly aware of the environmental factors behind this flawed perception and you know that you want a clean mind: White beauty standards are overly represented everywhere in movies, TV shows, ads, porn, etc. We assume that white is normal and that white looks better. As most developed countries are white majority countries, people are more liberal than in other countries. The reason why white women seem more sexually attractive is that they are much more sexualized images of white women in bikinis (or less than bikinis) compared to women of color. Countries where most women of color live are more conservative, therefore there are fewer images of women of color in bikinis. In less developed countries, survival is more difficult therefore the priority is the development of infrastructures and basic survival needs. People have more difficult living conditions, less access to quality nutrition, experiences more stress, and have less time to take care of their physical appearance. Because of that they aren't much represented around the world and the difficult living conditions affect their physical appearance. Your sister is a young woman of color and she is beautiful. You have other women of color in your family that are beautiful too. Let go of the conditioning and allow yourself to see things as they are and to see beauty in all women no matter their background.
  7. Yes. It is fine to play the social game, you can enjoy it while still being aware that it is a game. It's like playing a video game, it doesn't matter, but it is fun and enjoyable.
  8. The value for normal users is to quickly access the latest news about what they like, but it's important to not get trapped into endless scrolling. The value for influencers and organizations is to get views so that they can survive and grow.
  9. 17 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:25 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:51 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ~ No distractions until 8 PM (Doesn't currently apply as I'm taking a break) ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed
  10. @Raphael You know your strengths: Awareness: You are extremely aware. Even if you can have difficulties opening up and take time, you can see your issues and you know that you will be able to address them. This is a natural gift that you have. Intuition: Your intuition is very strong, you can determine things without getting a lot of information. You discovered meditation by yourself, you didn't know about meditation the first time that you meditated, but you intuitively discovered it. Same thing with shadow work, you have been doing it for years without knowing it. It was maybe not as powerful as if you had more knowledge, but you were already doing it. Intellect: Your mind is hyper-sophisticated. You can make a lot of connections and see the structure behind things. You know many ways of using your mind: you can focus to dissect information, you can see the big picture, you can group things, you can acknowledge when two perspectives are good but still choose the best one, you can see holons, you can be creative by taking in some information than waiting for creative insights. You know that you want to perfect your mind by continuing training it. And you know what you want to develop: Healthy masculine/feminine balance: You know that you want to get more in touch with your masculinity to achieve what you want to achieve. However, you also know that you don't want to be a neurotic result maker because the last time that you did that you almost killed yourself. You had too much raw masculine compassion in your life, you know that it doesn't work well in most cases, in most cases in create traumas and dysfunctions. You know that you want a bit more of softness, love, care, and acceptance in your life, a bit more of feminine compassion. You know that you want a proper unification of the masculine and the feminine, you want a 70% masculine / 30 % feminine balance. You know that you want to be strong and masculine while at the same time supporting yourself and loving yourself. Be masculine with a feminine touch. Embrace the strong man inside you with the supportive woman inside you. Feelings: You know that you have difficulties listening to your feelings and often don't want to admit them, but you know that your feelings say the truth. Your feelings are there to guide you, they are here to help you orient your life. Accept to listen to them. Feel more, live more.
  11. A Distrust of Authority Many people in my life didn't allow me to use my brain. I've often been in situations where an hypermasculine guy would try to show how good he was by doing things fast and shutting up everybody else. The irony with this is that this person would actually take more time than others because he wasn't listening to anyone and would make a lot of mistakes by going fast. This is how I felt many times in my life. I didn't felt taken seriously, I didn't felt listened as a kid, teenageer, and even when I was around 20 - 22... and even now by many people. I'm personally very intuitive, I like to explore things by myself, I like experiencing, I like finding what work and what doesn't work, yet I often didn't had this possibility because people expected me to shut up, listen, repeat, or some people had so much ego that they wanted to do everything for me to proove themselves. I many times screamed internally, I screamed: "Please... LET ME FUCKING DO THINGS BY MYSELF. LET ME USE MY BRAIN. DO I HAVE THE RIGHT TO USE MY BRAIN OR WHAT??". Ironically, when I would do things by myself I would do things better than average + as I'm also very intuitive and creative I would discover things that no-one would ever discover because I wouldn't carefully follow instructions. Experiences like this made me highly distrustful of authorities, it made me question everything around me, it made me rebellious. Hopefully, I taught myself programming when I was 15 and this activity has been one of the activities that helped me the most in developing my brain. Programming is an incredibly cognitivetly demanding activity, probably one the most cognitively intense activity that can exists. If you want to push your mind to its limits, try programming, it will break your brain into pieces. If you never coded anything, you have no idea of the amount of complexity that there is behind one single app, even a simple note taking app or an alarm. And even if some tools these days allow to build complex applications pretty quickly, the complexity is still there, it has just been hidden behind advanced tools. In the end, nobody develop an app alone, thousands of people have contributed to any app by working on the operating system, other apps, and the material.
  12. I'm really not that smart. I'm in a period where I feel like a complete idiot... like the most idioctic that I felt in my entire life.
  13. 16 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:12 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:50 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ Breathwork ❌ No distractions until 8 PM ❌ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed
  14. @soos_mite_ah Thank you. I appreciate your support.
  15. Really insightful. Thank you. I was aware of that actually and had periods where I was expressing much more my vulnerabilities and my struggles. The problem that I had in my life is that most of my environments didn't allow me to do that + I felt pressure from certain individuals to just shut up.
  16. I had some suicidal thoughts two days ago. It has been a long time since the previous time. Looks like my spiritual ego didn't appreciate this awakening, he wanted to take control back, he tried to fool me, but I'm getting more aware anyway.
  17. I'm not a saint. I'm very far away from being a saint. Don't read this journal or follow me if you want a perfect saint.
  18. 15 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:28 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:42 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ❌ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed I'm currently having a break, I will not work for the rest of the week. I want to have some empty time to relax and to think.
  19. I apologize if I caused harm to anyone here.
  20. @Raphael Good. You are making some progress.
  21. Radical Honesty /!\ Warning: This post is going to be very dirty. This is what I hide, this is what I have inside me. Some people and discussions on this forum trigger my traumas and shadows. Anyone that we see, meet, or talk to in life is a mirror of who we are, they either have qualities that we want or traits that we dislike in ourselves. I noticed that with the people that I come across in life. If you read this journal then they are things that reflect who you are here. Things that you like or admire and things that are repulsive to you. Brace yourself. I avoided digging in myself by writing small insightful posts in this journal. I don't like my country, but I got dragged back into it end of 2017 because I had some stage Blue shadow. I'm getting sick of being alone: I've been alone since 15. Even though I had a few periods where I made some friends and spent more time with people, I was still feeling alone and disconnected. I almost never got invited to a friend's place in my entire life. I convinced myself that I was better than everyone because I had the capacity to stay alone where I wasn't happy most of the time. I used my intellect, I hidden in my work and then hidden in spirituality to convince myself that I was superior to people. I had a huge intellectual ego and a huge spiritual ego. I had difficulties understanding people most of my life: I had difficulties understanding emotions. I had difficulties reading social cues and facial expressions. I couldn't decode people most of my life. I was way too direct and logical. I want a few trustworthy friends in my life (2 - 3) with which I can resonate intellectually and emotionally. I want some genuine friendship, however, as I always attracted a lot of criticism I'm distrustful of people. Even if a person is genuine, it's difficult for me to trust him/her. I'm careful with people, I feel some unsafety with people even if I'm not handicapped and can do everything that I want. I also want more opportunities to meet more diverse and interesting people. I didn't have any intimate relationship so far because: I was too insecure / too unstable and didn't want to cause any damage to a girl. I've always been shy around girls and this shyness is still something that I need to work through. I don't know how to flirt. I had serious body-image issues when I was a kid and teenager. When I was 14, a guy told a girl that if she loses a game she will have to kiss me... this is how disgusting/inferior some people perceived me. Even though I now know that many girls find me physically attractive, I still feel ugly internally. I got badly conditioned by my dad regarding relationships. I always had the feeling from him that it was something bad. Even though I'm pretty aware of women's difficulties I also got very bad masculine examples. I absorbed some conditioning despite me. Overall, I'll say that I'm doing much better compared to 80% of other guys, but I want to completely clear out this conditioning. I won't get into a relationship without doing that. I'm pretty conscious of the difficulties of women because I have a great sister and a great mother + I also had a quality education. Most of the time I take the defense of women, however, I see some resentment inside me at the same time. This resentment is here because I never felt attractive while growing up nor taken seriously by girls. Most of the time when girls were flirting with me I felt like I was a "test guy" to train themselves. I don't want a girl to see how dirty I am. This is basically fear of vulnerability. I'm not sure who I am supposed to be as a man. I never found any girl that I find physically attractive + resonate with emotionally + resonate with intellectually. I don't know how to create an appropriate work/personal development/relationship balance. Also, this is more something that annoys me here, but as I mixed-race person I receive a lot of projections and it also happens with women: Considering that I live in a country where most people are people of color and my skin tone is lighter than average, I don't like to be perceived by women of color as the white guy who can provide money or being put on a pedestal. For white women, I don't want to be labeled as middle-eastern, Indian, or black (because for some white people anything that is not white is black) Stop trying to figure out my ethnicity because I don't have any. I have been stuck in my parent's house for almost two years now: My reason to get back to my family home was to create my first business because it was too much work for me aside from my main job. However, as I was emotionally unstable I made very little money the first year but my parents didn't know it. I hidden it, I was ashamed of it, and I hated myself. Things got better the second year (this year), however, I'm still afraid of quitting this home not because my parents have a lot of work with the animals, but because I'm afraid that I don't make enough money if I go out by myself. The fear is a bit irrational because I made money almost all months of this year and I made enough to sustain myself. I don't genuinely care about my parents. I don't help them that much. I just take the dogs for a walk every day, that's all. When my grandma was there, I didn't help my mom 95% of the time even though she was taking a heavy emotional charge. I avoided responsibility, I didn't help that much my mom when my grandma was having her huge emotional outrages. I was afraid of her (and also unstable myself). Whether I move out or not I feel selfish. I feel selfish if I move out because I feel that I'm not helping my parents as they are old. I feel selfish if I stay because I feel that I'm taking advantage of the situation as I'm not helping them that much. I'm in a situation that is not good enough for me to self-develop but not bad enough to motivate me to quit. My dad isn't as bad as he used to be even if he is still annoying and loud, and often says some hateful stuff and some racist stuff. As I stay stuck in my bedroom most of the time I'm avoiding him. The situation is too comfortable to grow, I cannot grow without changing my environment. People who convinced themselves that they grow without changing their environment are deluding themselves. Internalized Racism As a mixed-race person, I always thought I could never have any racism inside me but as they are so many of it in this world I absorbed a bit of it. Even though most people in my family have dark skin, I noticed myself having a better view of white people. I think that I'm doing it because my interactions with white people have been much better so far than with people of color. Of course, I'm conscious that they are environmental forces behind this and things like colonization. I'm just acknowledging it within myself. Concerning women, I noticed myself perceiving white women as having more value than women of color. This is linked to the previous point because I had better experiences with white people. The western world is spirally more developed so in terms of values it's easier to find stage Green+ western women compared to women from other backgrounds. I'm conscious that white beauty standards are over-represented in the world so there's a lot of cultural brainwashing. The only little thing that can contradict this is that light colors attract eyes more easily. I did an experiment and watched more porn with women of color and I noticed that my mind started to perceive things differently. I got more attracted to women of color. So overall, I consider beauty standards to just be brainwashing. I'm only noticing biases within myself here. When it comes to dating I'm not cutting women based on ethnicity, what interests me the most is that she can relate to me. The first step to resolve a problem is to acknowledge that it exists. It feels great to do this publicly, it helps me to open up and to be more vulnerable. I won't hide anything anymore, I want to be 100% open and vulnerable here. I tried to skip steps on this journey, I want to be in touch with where I am. This is why there can be controversies in spiritual and religious communities and why many spiritual people can be very selfish: people want to be spiritual without addressing root issues. I'm trying to be more conscious of my usage of this forum, there can be a lot of dirtiness here (like inside me). I many time feels better by not reading this forum, the quality of information that we consume is important. I'm also a bit more critical of Leo compared to before, I'm trying to have more discernment when reading his posts and listening to him. An over-obsession with truth is a bias and an over-emphasis on it creates an imbalance that damages the whole. It's similar when people are over-obsessed with freedom, it creates an imbalance and ultimately hurts. In the next centuries when societies will be more automatized and psychedelics will be more accessible, some regulations will have to be made so that people don't become over-obsessed truth seekers. It's all a question of balance.
  22. 14 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:55 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:10 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No distractions until 8 PM ❌ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed
  23. You are an incredible human being. I'm giving you all the love to succeed on your journey.
  24. Radical honesty incoming.