Elisabeth

I don't understand why you would change identity. You say yourself that you're greatful for your experience. So build on that. You seem to think all of your life is wrong, but really describe only three problems: Shyness ... which seems to ask for babysteps Depression ... which seems to be getting much better if not over Strugling to become independent from your parents ... which is totally normal in your early twenties To me, you seem to be headed in the right direction.

Hello, sorry, this ended up being long O:) I'd like to hear some advice from you folks on how to deal with crippling anxiety around exams. It's actually funny because I'm a little old to be new to this - I've already past my Master's and entering phd. Now, I'm really excited about starting phd. I finally get to work on real open scientific problems and it seems I'm good enough to actually contribute. I've done some work with my supervisor already which I am proud of and eager to do calculations on a new thing I'm starting now. During my studies the assignments were rarely fun and interesting enough to make me actually want to work on them each day let alone give me a sence of purpose, but open problems and collaboration with other people are. Trouble is, although my anxiety in general is improving, it seems my issues on the topic of studying got worse, not better over the past years and I still have a few more exams to do. I've already achieved so much (my Master's in theoretical physics was really hard), why would I be anxious? Well there is one good reason. I acnowledge I was a mediocre student at best in my field. I mostly struggled with the huge amount of stuff to learn, which didn't really give me the time or practice required to understand the subjects in-depth, and inconsistent motivation. As a result I sometimes struggle with stuff that could be considered basic. Having said all that, I know I studied to the best of my abilities at that time. My anxiety peaked at the time of my final exam, when instead of preparation I just spent half the time totally fear-paralyzed. I only went through about half of the stuff I passed due to sheer benevolence of the examiners. Since then, I was supposed to take one more exam, and anxiety returned enhanced by the fact that the examiner was my supervisor. I wasn't able to really start studying although the stuff was rather interesting. Now, the exams that are before me are in fact much easier then those I've achieved in the past. There is no reason why I should not be able to do them. I do have the background. But the mere thought of sitting down and studying with a deadline on my mind, or the thought of the volume of stuff I'm supposed to learn give me a crippeling cramp in my stomach. I've got a full blown selffulfilling prophecy going (fear of not being able to study leading to not being able to study leading to fear..., rinse repeat), and I have a real problem finding a way to turn it around, because it's so strong already. Also a part of it si, that I don't want to do these exams per se, I just have to get through them to finally do the science I want to do (exam-free!). I've watched my anxiety (so many times actually) and I know there are some backstories. The fears to it of not being good or capable enough (to pass the competition in my field, to support myself financially at all, to go to work like a normal person despite my past mental helth problems) seem to be rather subsiding with both the inner work I've already done on feeling better, and the outer circumstance of finding a good spot for my phd and getting some income however small. It seems weird to me that the anxiety on this topic is staying so strong, even getting stronger. I want to view myself as someone, who is capable of studying whatever. I want my preparation for exams to be as effortless as my work on open problems feels. I want to take confidence in my abilities again, the type I had when I came from highschool believing that I'm good on the subject and will surely do it. Any tips on how to start untangling the problem? How to work with strong, specific anxiety? How to shift my story?

Good joke

Hi Vercingetorix, thank you very much for writing. This sounds like a great tip. I think I've been watching kinda both. I try not to add to anxiety, but it's very difficult not to engage of course. I shall try watching emotions only then. I always ask, but I may remember to slow down to see if my emotions follow. Haha, yes, I do resist anxiety often. Although I am not entirely clear on the meaning of 'resistance'. Do you mean a thought roughly saying "I don't want this"? Funnily enough just before looking here I remembered the sedona method and wondered if it could be applicable, if used persistantly enough. I've tried it out a few times, but not for anything major. It's supposed to be good for dropping resistance, but (a question to anyone who has more experience) maybe it could be applied to anxiety directly?

@Yonkey Thank you. I still cannot imagine what my decision making would look like with "logic" as a core "value". I don't want to pursue logic, I do pursue understanding and I want to pursue love and compassion. I see paradoxes I can't reconcile. It's probably not for me.

Huge lots of maths, if you wish to. Don't worry about that. You'd find yourself studying general theory of relativity to properly understand the background, and quantum field theory to look into possible explanations of dark energy (well, unless you accept that it's just a "constant" in Einsteins equations). But I don't see the link to consciousness in there (unless you're happy to equate understanding the fundamental laws of physics with raising consciousness, in which case yes, go do theoretical physics and quantize gravitation, it's fascinating). Brainstorming: neuroscience, architecture (you like drawing), theoretical informatics (algortihms) If you haven't decided what impact you want to make, you may as well stay very general with your field of study (pure maths, physics or informatics). However, reading your text, I'd say spend some more time thinking about what are the most effective ways to raise consciousness, and what that phrase even means for you. Find what you want to achieve, and then learn the stuff necessary.

Yonkey, can you help me understand how alignment with logic works for you? From you now perspective: What's your passion and goals in life? What's your ethics? How do you decide what's wanted and unwanted on subjective matters (could be simple, like what color you like most)? How does love feel now, does it align with logic? Do you still love the same people in the same way? What about basic instinctive emotional stimuli, is it logical to save your life when frightened (by a tiger, or rather a car )? Do these instincts have the potential to overpower your logic? I can't fathom how to work these things out with logic (and it's just the tip of the iceberg). It's a little surprising to me, but I simply can't do step one. However I've listened to their guided meditation about step two, trying to find my core value, and although I didn't (want to) follow the recording word for word, and although I'm not sure if I got right what brings me safety, the interaction with my inner child was remarkable. What is it, that brings you safety, is a good question to pose.

If you've got a do or die situation, you go on solving do or die situations of course. No energy left for having a bigger picture. However, the very fact that you are here writing and watching videos shows, that you've at least got the free time and energy to dream, and plan and strategize. Not so much do or die every moment of your time awake. If you create a vision of what extraordinary things you'd like to achieve now, this vision may have enough momentum to carry you even further once your do or die is a little better. If you don't, the karma that bites you in the ass is getting complacent and settled in the only-slightly-better life that you create to help your financial situation. I'd suggest you think about your talents, and how to implement them on a very practical level to help you and your family, but don't let ethics and strategy and a sense of contribution to the world out of consideration. If you don't feel like pursuing a noble value, at least don't go agains them.

Actually, not being able to feel joy is one of the hallmarks of depression. When I was diagnosed depressed, I wasn't very emotionally aware. It wasn't until after the diagnosis that I admitted to myself the negative emotions I was feeling. Sometimes we don't want to feel a negative thing, so we supress all emotion. Now, I don't know if you're depressed. You may really be just lacking purpose. Or, you could also be exhausted - if you go on and on without propper time off, you can get into states close to depression or burn out. What helped me (re)gain and expand my emotional bandwidth over the years, was Therapy - simply paying attention to and trying to describe again and again how I feel (started my jouney into awareness) Falling in love. Now, that is probably not very useful, but I think some other life change could work too. Exploring sexuality. Closely tied to self-acceptance. Tantra is really good with these things. Interacting with people who do have passion, and especially some spiritual groups (both christians and "new age hippie") where they "force" you to express gratitude, or express anger, or do some connecting ritual, or or... Lately, meditation. Do you meditate? If not, please do. It could help you get more from all the other experiences. All and all, rediscovering my capacity for positive emotion was a pleasant journey once I stopped working on problems only (the therapy I had, which was very useful on a foundational level, but not that successful in opening me up later) and discovered more constructive ways to personal development.

Imagine you've reached that point. What will you want to do after it? (And if you say nothin' think twice.) I think that's the core question that could bring you closer to understanding what a life purpose could be for you.

I used a journal for years to clean my emotional mess. It wasn't a journal per se because I didn't write daily, it was just a nice notebook (ok, 10 of them, I've got them piled next to me now). I wrote everytime I became to emotional or depressed. I just wrote how I feel or what I think or what happened. Whatever. It calmed me down. It gave my thoughts a direction. I'm pretty sure it helps focus in the moment, and it helped me with my emotional awareness. I don't use it very often anymore, I just lost the urge at some point. I think I learned to go through my feelings and associated thoughts consistently even without pencil and paper.

I saw it a few minutes ago and I'm quite puzzled. I mean, even if I buy into the premise that there is only one core value, why logic? Or rather, what do they mean by logic? Logic itself, to me, is a means, not a value. It is a tool for clasification, exploring consequences, and decision making. But maybe, what they really mean, is understanding. I'm a scientist, I can appreciate that. But understanding is not a driving force of a whole personality, although hey, yes, following curiosity certainly feels good. Logic is not a driving force of society. Or maybe, this disociation thing is a similar effect as some psychedelics Leo talks about which allow you to get a glimps of the bigger picture. And they provide you an explanation which fits with their rational mind in advance. If they said "we'll help you align with your wish to contribute to society/happyness of people", I'd be more interested. But maybe that's the unspoken end behind using the means of logic. They probably did some amaizing work, but I am puzzled by the "explanation". Maybe I'll understand better if I do read up.

I think, for most people, college buys them more time to build foundation. You will probably still be partly supported by your parents, which can be good or bad, but is giving you more time to study the things you are being tought in college, the things you just want to study, and the things you encounter as a byproduct (like interesting people or hobbies). I think, that Leo says it's a blunder not to go to college, because most people who decide to skip it close their opportunities to support themselves financially and otherwise - they just take on a job and here they are, a lot of the free time they could have had to educate themselves is gone. If you choose a major that is interesting to you for the subject itself, not a for the money or social credit it can give you, you will benefit from getting a broad view over a subject, which may transfer to all areas of life. Now, I think there are two possible approaches: I have studied physics, which is directly necessary for building my carrier. I am glad to have a broad background and stable base in my subject. Or, you could choose something that is actually complementary to your carrier. I imagine even one year of some good social science studies will transform your worldview. In general, I find that dwelling deep into more then one subject (and more then one subculture) in life is extremely beneficial. I'm not saying you have to choose college. College could also hinder you by feeding you some paradigm you in fact do not want, although I think it's not that likely in your case. You say you already know what you want to do, and that is great (maybe you're even ahead of me despite being 10 years younger, so my advice is totally misplaced :)). I think the only danger you run into by starting right away is going full steam into this one direction just to find out it's not it and then having greater difficulty changing track. (If you look at Leo, he change his carrier not once but three times, right? It happens.) I think at your age it is extremely likely that your direction will still change, so I guess my conclusion is: study something general, work on something specific. Or maybe... just don't close your options, you know? Make an agreement with your mom that you'll work for a year now on whatever you see as your life pourpose now, and see how that feels. If you find yourself immersed in the specifics lossing the big picture? Go to college next year.

Is the course useful even if I don't intend to start a business? I am just starting a phd in theoretical physics, so that pretty much means I will be staying in accademia.