Vladimir

I'm slowly starting to trust people, I'm starting to open up more and become more of my authentic self. I'm starting to feel more confident and comfortable with my voice and feeling more comfortable around people. On Saturday, I went out to Trilogy for Manifestation Dance which turned out to be a great experience of exploring body's movement on a micro dose of mushrooms 0.1g. Tapping into powerful king-warrior voice On my way there in the car, since it took about 40 minutes to get there, I was experimenting with my voice and humming, at one point I started to tap into that "boss" state that I keep experiencing on Ayahuasca when I feel like my true self, I feel the King's energy coursing through my entire body and become the force of nature. At that moment I started talking in Russian: "когда я пью айяаску я чувствую в себе настоящюю, Русскую, богатырскую силу! Я ощущаю себя настоящим мужиком, я настоящий мужик! Я русский богатырь!" This was screamed out with a lot of passion and the kind of voice that I've only experienced on psychedelics, I tapped into that state and confidence without taking anything. There was a lot of fury pouring out of me and I felt awesome expressing it with this powerful king-warrior confidence, I also said: "Я хочу жить, я буду жить! Меня заебало! Я хочу жить!" This was said with similar passion but also sadness as tears poured out of my eyes. I realized I'm able to tap into that authentic, passionate place within me that is longing to be alive and live to the fullest, that is longing to express my awesome unique talents, that is longing to tell the world my story and show people that transformation is possible, that it's entirely up to us to transform ourselves and it's okay to be ourselves, live our dreams and become our full potential as humans. I also felt like English language has kept me locked up and unable to express my authentic voice because of it's weakness compared to Russian, Russian language is just so much more powerful, rich and expressive and I feel like I never truly became comfortable with English. At some point I thought I needed to speak just Russian for a while and create some YouTube videos expressing these ideas in Russian which could also help my parents with some of their problems. I came to the conclusion that I actually need to practice both, but start warming up with Russian because that's how I tap into that authentic place longing to be expressed and then transition into English while on the same Russian style wave length. Exploring new depth of dance and movement There were glimpses of fear of where this journey is leading me to as usual, but not much as I didn't let the mind wonder and just concentrated on movement and enjoying listening to the music and watching other people dance around me. I really liked experimenting with all kinds of dynamic body movement and learned some moves that I haven't tried before, I was able to tune myself in to the rhythm of almost every song and come up with a unique dance style to match it. I could feel myself resisting certain kinds of songs, but decided to work through that resistance anyway to see what would come out of it, and then was able to create new style of dances as I worked through that initial reluctance and resistance. This tells me there are old patterns of moving and behaving that I'm clinging to, so by working through that initial resistance and trying new moves to the songs that I initially don't like is a great way to explore creativity and new depths of body movement and style. I was really into it most of the time there which was about an hour and a half and felt like I'm finally starting to become that person I keep seeing on psychedelics but in a gradual, gentle way that works for me. I think taking micro doses and going out to events like that is perfect for integrating high dose experiences and empower myself so I can gradually start trusting people. Talking to women authentic style I also talked to an Asian girl who was pretty locked up and shy and was pretty hard to read with her monotonous voice and stiff body language, though I persisted talking to her and was still able to have a decent conversation with her, she told me she wants to share a poem at a open mic talk at Trilogy next weekend. Then I talked to another woman who was really sweet and playful and kept touching me as I expressed my playful and expressive side and made her laugh a few times. She kept on grabbing and groping my arm and I really liked that, she was easy to talk to and very expressive, I think I should have kissed her in the elevator, though I wasn't so much attracted to her. She invited me to come dance at a north county dance studio around here in Encinitas and told me there are "Church dances" every Sunday from 11am to 1pm, so I wanna check those out soon. We also did "chakra cleansing" and came together by touching each other's hands making the infinity sign and creating an intention to send out in the Universe, there was a sense of trust, connection and unity during that time and the whole experience of dancing with other people in non-egoic way, exploring body movement, talking to women with my new confident voice and body language, being touched by women and enjoy myself by laughing and expressing my authentic self, combined with a micro dose of mushrooms, really gave me a glimpse of life's beauty and what I can become if I keep exploring these creative abilities and continue to work on spirituality, things seem to be coming together for me finally. We parted ways with this other girl who kept touching me and I criticized myself for not getting her number, but thought it was okay because I'll still see her at a Sunday dance anyway. Talking to parents about love and their relationship Holy shit! I talked to my parents about unconditional love and told them very emotionally with tears that it would make me very happy if they fixed their relationship and started cultivating love towards each other again! I realized just how difficult it was for me to tell them that, I was very emotional with tears and sobbing while I told them just those few words, but I felt like I had real impact on them and that they're actually going to listen. I warmed them up by talking about spirituality and Leo's videos over the last several weeks that I started seeing them again and it seems that my dad is especially interested in this stuff now. So I gradually lead them, without even knowing about it myself to this very conversation. Before telling them that, I was talking about Leo's recent video on "What is Love?" and told them that learning how to love should be a priority for people and that love is the most powerful force in the Universe and that it's unconditional. Prior to this conversation, my parents were very nasty and cruel to each other, I could feel the hate energy between them from their body language and how they pissed each other off in every moment they interacted, it became very difficult to witness that and I started thinking about why I even started seeing them again. I then remembered that I wanted to practice unconditional love around their suffering and accept whatever is going on between them but not meddle with their relationship. I did have an emotional impact on me anyway though, and I thought that maybe I'm not ready to practice unconditional love for them in that way and I think this is the moment where the Warrior in me awakened and was able to finally openly tell them: "Mom, dad, there is something I want to tell you" at which point I became very emotional, "it would make me very happy if you could fix your relationship", this was so difficult to do and I'm so proud of myself for being able to tell them that. They became emotional too and teared up, and we all came together in a hug, feeling like we are becoming a family again after a long break up. Of course, I realize this isn't going to be easy for them, but I think they will actually try because it was related to them in such a powerful way. This made me feel like I've grown so much as a person and reinforced the wisdom of: "by healing yourself you heal others". Sound bath healing with Cloud People After visiting my parents I went to a sound bath healing which was my first such experience. I could immediately sense the kindness from these people, especially the Cloud People brothers. I have this extra sensory intuition about people when I first meet them and can immediately tell if they are kind and loving or egoic and arrogant etc. The sound bath experience was awesome, I took a micro dose of 0.1g just before coming there, they used all kinds of exotic instruments - cosmic drum, ocean drum, flute, and many others which made me go on a trip. I started having the usual theme run through me: "like this whole thing has been designed on purpose for my awakening, here we go the Kundalini energy is going to rise and I'm going to have to go through ego death, because I'm God and the only one here in the entire Universe, all the events are leading to this place, there is no escaping". I just observed all of that and let it go and was able to work through these fears as my consciousness expanded, I was able to work through it in a very much gentle and gradual way, slowly peeling off the layers and going deeper. The women's singing voice was angelic and it felt like the Goddess herself was singing to me and nurturing my inner child who very much needs this motherly, loving, nurturing and caring energy because of all the terror I have put this little child through. It triggered some emotions with me and there were tears coming out on multiple ocassions during this experience. We were then invited to share about our experiences, I could feel anxiety and tension well up inside of my body as usual at the sound of these words, but it wasn't at all as intense as it used to be, and I only felt mild nervousness. So I decided to share after some people already shared their experiences and told them how I felt the motherly, caring and gentle energy and how my inner child was longing for it after very intense experiences with Ayahuasca and multiple male shamans bombarding me with icaros while I was having an ego death. I was then approached by two women who turned out to be the mother of the cloud people and a sister, they were the most loving and kind women that I have met on this entire journey, the mom asked me if she could give me a hug and all three of us had the most loving, genuine hug that I have experienced in a long time. There was love emanating from our hearts for each other and we became enveloped in this cloud of love, I could immediately feel my body tension and fears melt away, I could feel trust in love and unity and humanity, I could feel trust on where this journey is leading me to -- more love and unity and authentic connection with real, loving human beings. We then had a heart felt conversation about this journey and I told them how I developed trust on this journey by contemplating love and unity and just what those words mean. I told them about my Spain travel experience while living in Russia and how I felt separated from the world while I was in Spain, and upon returning back to Russia immediately felt like I was home again, I felt reunited with the world and I felt safe and loved. I also told this story to my parents and I told them that since leaving Russia at the age of 14 I have been looking for that place of home, to be reunited and how this journey is leading me back to this place of wholeness, unity and love. This experience and conversation with these women reignited trust in humanity, love, unity and journey in me, I have almost lost that trust because I have ran into a lot of nasty, egoic, arrogant, low consciousness people on this journey who considered themselves authority, though I always intuitively knew these people were just bullshiting themselves and I can spot that kind of bullshit from far away. These women had powerful impact on me and I'm now confident this journey is leading me to the right place, the experiences I'm having by micro dosing, going out and exploring my creativity, authenticity and relating to people is turning out to be the most profound, most powerful way to take this spiritual development to the next level, things are finally starting to come together in this beautiful way, I'm pushing the boundaries and working through resistance, I'm working through fear, I'm cultivating love and trust in people and myself and I'm becoming more confident in the process, I'm regaining my personal power and I'm becoming more loving. I also talked to a woman who was singing with the angelic voice about voice lessons, because the host of the house told me she worked with her to develop her authentic voice and she seemed to be a perfect match for my current situation of wanting to express and train my powerful, authentic voice, she also told me about retreats and accountability partners which is another way to connect with like minded, conscious people, so I think I'm going to take lessons with her. After leaving the sound healing place, I sat in my car and thought: "this is too good to be true. The kind of life that I'm about to have is just too good to be true…."

The new system for change, self actualization, global awakening and many other sub systems is starting to evolve for me. The spiral dynamics and the different stages of psyche human beings go through on a personal and collective level, reinforced the big picture and made more pieces of the puzzle come together. This is why Leo has been harping on reading a lot and learning a lot of theory, because it really gives you a better, big picture understanding of reality, human development and where the evolution is taking us. The biggest insight I got yesterday was that I finally came to a conclusion that I'm going to dedicate my life to pursuing self actualization, developing the talents and skills, and delivering the most powerful messages to the world about evolution of consciousness, so that humanity evolves to yellow level and eventually torquiose - the global awakening, which should happen by the year 2020 according to the lady at Lucidity. I now have the most noble system goal - help humanity awaken, evolve to the next level of consciousness which will save our world. I have to watch out for ego's sneaky ways of getting in the way of this path. If I was going to die in 30 days from now, I would continue living the life the way I am right now, I wouldn't seek out pleasure, try to fall in love, experience the world by traveling, pampering myself or doing any other egoic activities. I would continue learning about myself, studying Systems Thinking, practicing Unlimited Memory, working on improving countless sub systems of psyche and figuring out how to change and developing the talents and skills which are inbred in me. Why? Because the goal of this path, by realizing my full potential, by gaining theory and knowledge about the world, by pursuing enlightment, I will become a role model for others "become the change you want to see" ~Ghandi. I will lead humanity, along with other great thinkers and creators of our time like Leo to the global awakening. This is no longer an egoic goal of becoming popular, showing off, proving or competing. This is far beyond those petty egoic goals I have set for myself before. Actually, the fact that it's not egoic works even better, by setting the goal of helping everyone else awaken and for the world to see the light, in the process, I'm actually making my own life as amazing as it possibly be - by working on self development, re-descovering dormant talents, functioning at peak potential, working on creativity, memory, reading, learning, redesigning own's operating system and studying self for lasting change, sharing these ideas with others, journaling, contemlating, meditating, writing, helping people, working together to save humanity and the planet, there is no life better lived than this! This gives me unlimited courage to face any obstacle and fear along the way. I have unquestionable faith, there is no more doubt that the path I'm on is the right one.

Would be awesome to hear to get inspired!

Leo, please do a motivational video on how amazing awakening is. You said the joy of awakening is beyond your wildest dreams. And you also said if you tried to describe how amazing it is, we wouldn't believe you and it would still be 1,000,000 better. I know there is so much you can say in words....but you're good at taking things to the limits of rationality and I think a video like this would really motivate people to follow the path.

More Than Allegory: On Religious Myth, Truth And Belief Leo, or anyone else, have you guys read this book? I think it puts some valuable pieces into the big picture puzzle.

From what my facilitator told me, and she is very experienced, synthetic is much more powerful than toad venom, I think she said 60mg of venom is equivalent to about 15-20mg of synthetic from what I remember.

LOL Leo said his lifestyle would look extremely boring if he made a video like that.

The most important component Leo of Actualized.org is missing IMO is real life community, and especially tripping, dancing, and interacting together with other people. We all need to trip together just like in the good old days....

Yeah I've done one in the jungle in Iquitos and another one in Sacred Valley, just came back from that one about a month ago. My X is doing a dieta in Iquitos right now and so far she's told me the shaman is the real deal...I think I might go there next if her scouting mission proves successful lol In my experience it's very difficult to find shamans that are truly interested in healing you, there is a lot of power games spiritual and financial...and you never know just wtf those shamans are doing to you, so you gotta find someone you can fully trust, I'm actually thinking of brewing my own now, but I'd like to get some more practice with AL-LAD and mushrooms first.

Yeah brother I definitely accumulated a lot of anger over a life time, some of it started coming out at a jungle ayahuasca retreat last year and I ended up scaring a bunch of "pasajeros". I feel like it was only a tip of the iceberg LOL But yeah I'm doing better, I'm wanting to do a long term dieta in the jungle next, let me know if anyone wants to come with

To me it becomes "dream like" and everything you described with distortions or time and objects, I found it easier to stay focused if I was sitting up, when I was laying down it would be a lot easier to get "dragged" into one of those dreams without even becoming aware of it....If you're lying down a good strategy to keep focused is keep both hands on a solar plexus and breathing, in shamanism it's called "introspection" - staying within the framework of the body so you don't get too "out there".

I had absolutely no problem with Ayahuasca visions until I started getting combinations of these colors: yellow/orange/red/black (I have associated these combinations with Hell because of playing too much Diablo), I think there was also some kind of spherical pattern about it and the whole thing reminded me of a burning oven....This with the combination of realization that "it was me the whole time" and "I'm part of everything" is what terrified me and I still don't know what to make of it, but I think it's really important to be mindful of symbols (colors and simple shapes being the most powerful symbols) and associate them with things that we want, off and on trips. It took me about a year to recover from that trip and it's the reason I wasn't able to break through on a 5meo-dmt because it threw my right back into it. After a while I started feeling this really uncomfortable sensation in my solar plexus that feels like tension/burning and it seems to intensify every time I have flash backs of the experience....Also I couldn't focus on work or anything for some months because I kept living in fear. I've since had another intense 11 day retreat with Ayahuasca/San Pedro/Yopo/Kambo ceremonies, and I'm doing better now....

Yeah I had no idea what true terror and fear meant until I experienced myself as the Creator for the first time on Aya. I actually developed PTSD after that and I'm still not fully recovered, though at least I can go on with my life.

This is my prayer before psychedelic trips:

Good luck on your journey Let us know how it goes!

This is the mushroom experience I've had about two years ago that jump started me on this journey. Somewhere in the middle of this trip I remembered Leo and was expressing my gratitude for him for helping to lead me on this path, I also had no doubt in my mind that I'm going to meet him one day.

Leo, are my videos evil? - https://www.youtube.com/c/CleverTechieTube

Most likely it will be...My gf and I were both gently and seductively lead into the enlightenment on a 100mg dose at the same time.

My girlfriend and I both had an ego death on 100mg of MDMA at the same time. If you keep focusing on body's discomfort it will eventually lead you to the heart and then it will explode into a supernova....I think the music has to be right too though.

@Samra Wow thank you so much for sharing this....especially the difficult part. I just got back from an intense 11 day shamanic retreat where I did 5 aya ceremonies, 3 san pedro and 4 kambo....I'm still trying to put everything together and will post a trip report when it's ready. I just wanted to congratulate you for being so brave, for facing your deepest fears and sharing about your experience. I thought I would be able to let go completely during this retreat but it didn't happen, so I'm still left wondering just wtf death/enlightenment really is, though every time I get close to it the theme is always the same - I'm God, I'm the only one in this Universe, there is no one to awaken but me, I have to face my deepest fears and have been shown them in all kinds of creative ways, I'm the creator of everything and at one point I fell down to the floor out of desperation and inability to control it anymore and said "forgive me for everything".....though it came out in Russian (простите меня за все....) there was no doubt at that moment that I'm responsible for all creation. There was a lot of beautiful visuals too and another theme that keeps showing up is the - serpent, puma and condor which I keep seeing every time I drink aya, mushrooms and now san pedro....which seems to be the source of my power, it's unlike any power that exists in this 'human realm' and I feel like it's my true essence. Anyway I'll post the whole thing later, I just wanted to connect with someone who can relate to the difficult part of this awakening and healing experience.

There is a same theme of masturbation going on on this forum. People want to know how they can live a happier life and nobody seems to be happier after statements like 'you were never born and you're already dead'.....

Leo....I don't think your perspective of 'awakening/killing the ego/enlightenment' is helping people live a happier dream. Honestly how has your life improved with all of your countless awakenings so far?

Leo.....how is this helping anybody live a happier life? That's why 'mystical experiences' alone aren't enough to create a whole human being. If Actualized.org was more focused on integrating and healing body, mind and spirit instead of harping on "killing the ego", it would really help people improve their lives.

This kind of mentality is a perfect illustration of Zen Devilry. Okay, I get it, from the ONE perspective it doesn't matter, but the reality is that we're living in the "human experience" in which we are causing an enormous amount of unnecessary suffering to each and nature, a lot of which stem from exactly this kind of 'escapism of the world' delusion. This is just a way for you to sweep the horrors of the world under the rug so you don't have to deal with reality.