Never_give_up

I don't want to think any more. Not only I think, but I overthink. Thinking only lead to paradoxes and suffering. I don't want to contemplate ever again. I don't care about enlightment and knowing reality any more, it just makes things worse. I only want to act and enjoy. Does focusing on breath on the moment like meditation destroys thinking activity? I am thinking of having only 1 relaxing and inspiring visualazation thought and focusing on breath. I want to be on a state of not thinking to a ridiculus level. I came to hate thought so much like never before. My mind ruminates all the time, it destroys me. I can't enjoy life anymore cause my mind is thinking daily stuff or spiritual stuff all the time, I have lost control. I hate thinking, it's the worse activity ever. Any idea what to do?

@aurumalthough I am feeling much better today, (yesterday I was bitter cause I rembembered my traumas and wanted to vent), I will answer the question. I don't have anything in particular to say, but I remember that I have seen hypocricy too much from people that critisize ''black pill'' beliefs. the biggest hypocricy from the normie worldview is that: 1)there isn't discrimination for people that are unnatractive. This is very big. There are a ton of studies and anecdotal evidence that shows huge discrimination in serious things in life that ''ugly'' people (short men for example like me) are punished in this life for no other reason just cause they are not attractive. I wrote some personal stuff myself. The opposite is also true, the more attractive someone is, the more rewards he/she will get. 2)gaslighting unnatractive men that they are not trying hard enough. This is not good and it's difficult to explain. You could say that in everything in life we just ''don't try hard enough'' when we don't succeed but I wonder, can people really try hard enough? Some do try and get or don't get results but most people just have a limit. We don't blame the average person for not being a billionaire or not being a bodybuilder or whatever cause he/she didn't try hard enough, but we understand that they didn't try hard enough probably and we accept it that some people fail and others don't. It's good to say to someone to try hard if they want to achieve something, but if they don't succeed don't blame them (not you personally). 3)''black pill is evil''. What is black pill? Is it people that want to harm others? If yes then am not ''blackpiller''. Is it people that understand that the best raw attraction is being very tall, then being good looking, and then being a little interesting? if yes then I am a ''blackpiller''. Why am I evil for knowing how things work? This is just hating (which proves that unnatractive people are easily hated, cause most people that have searched these stuff are people that are already unnatractive). Let's suppose I am wrong and looks aren't important. Why that makes me evil? People that believe I am evil for believing this stuff are hypocrites cause they are the real evil. They say that blackpillers are violent. Firstly there are way more violent groups than blackpillers and secondly I agree that many of them are too toxic, violent (and more pessimistic than they should) but this isn't the fault of all people that are labeled blackpillers. 4)blackpill is unscientific. The truth is that most of the things that blackpill tells, are supported by scientific studies. For example there have been studies that show that in prosperous societies, people become taller cause women select taller men (it's not about the good nutrition that makes everyone taller). Most people deny this. It's funny but these beliefs sooner or later become mainstream , they just have to be presented by someone that is respectable in society. To be honest I don't consider myself to be blackpill cause it's a label. I just believe some of the stuff they believe cause of science and personal experience. Sorry for the negativity. In the future I will avoid talking about blackpill stuff. I did it cause it was the topic but I try not to think about these subjects too much cause they make me feel negative feelings and pessimism (it's still good to know the truths though).

@Miguel1thank you for trying to help. In the end I just have to accept that some things aren't as I like and I just need to do what I like (drawing) and find a way to survive and cure my addictions and problems. I may not accomplish it fully but at least I should try. I hope reincarnation is real , just in case I don't make it in this lifetime . (Having low IQ is the worst though. Low IQ just means I am incapable of doing things that others can do, and generally it means being powerless... ) Anyway, thank you!

@BlessedLionmaybe I should stop being so bitter about my traumas and just draw and have fun. Thank you for trying to help. Your suggestions and way of thinking is helpful.

@BlessedLionMy life is completely destroyed objectively speaking. I am just waiting to be deleted. The only joy I have is art, I draw when I feel like it, but I am compelety talentless. People are very social, so they can't be happy when they are ''rejected by the tribe''. I would say art is the only thing I like, but even that makes you feel depressed when you know you are talentless (especially when you suspect it's cause of low IQ). I need to change my life and I try but my addictions don't help me. Sorry for the previous post, I needed to vent.

I am 5'6 feet, I have been discriminated by a ton of people cause of my height, including authority figures repeatedly, I have been beaten and humiliated in school by sociopaths/sadists for years, I have been beaten at home for breathing repeatedly, I have very low IQ (I was good only in informatics that I had a talent, I tried 2 times to pass exams for a university and failed no matter how hard I tried), I have been diagnosed with autism and it could be the case that the diagnosis was right, people just don't like you at 5'6 and treat you badly, especially when you are asocial and this is your experience plently of the time in your life. Last 5 years I have ADHD(self diagnosed) and addictions cause of this life that have made me completely unnatractive and simply a loser. Now you tell me why I think black pill is real. Could it be because it's true? Nah, it couldn't be that. It couldn't be the case that I was discriminated cause of height, it must be my imagination, discrimination isn't real and if it is , it couldn't be so bad. Right? Blackpillers have extremely negative views, and society extremely positive views, but I see more hypocricy in the normie worldview. Existentially you could say it's all determinism, bad karma. The truth is that I have good analytical skills and existential curiosity. In the rest of the traits, I am cursed. Half the problem is people don't like me for being short, another half is my low IQ neuro divergent problem. It's just a tragedy haha. I have gone to clubs, I tried to be social. It works, but you have to do a ton of stuff to get low results. No thanks.

I can't find psychedelics, and I have real problems with doing something I don't like , like meditation(it's literally impossible for me to do something that isn't interesting to my brain). I can do contemplation but lately it doesn't lead me anywhere, it just wears me down. Should I quit and no longer suffer from my desire to understand things better or there are other ways?

Is any country that I can do that psychedelic in a legal way and easy way to find them? How much does it cost? Will this psychedelic show the quintessence of reality (the highest knowledge)? Can you describe your experiences with this psychedelic and what you learned?

I think I will die a virgin. I am sure to be honest. I have zero personality, zero humour, I am 5'6, I am not intelligent. I workout a lot because when I was fit I got a lot of attention from women many many years ago, but I don't know if it will be the same if I achieve fitness levels again. I have way much more muscle than before and women don't like too much muscle. How do you people or people you know cope? how to cope? how to live without regret and pain from the primal desire that can't be fufilled? What would you do or do in my position?

I am scared of death. I believe in Oneness, and eternal reincarnation. I didn't have any awakening or experience of it but since I heard Leo talking about it I feel it that it's more accurate than conventional atheist or theist popular beliefs. Here is the problem. I am so attached to this life that I don't want to go to the next. I love this life, I love not being old, I love my parents (although I have huge problems with them as I have told before), I love my health. Some months ago I felt dizzy and thought I was going to die (it was probably just a panic attack), and I thought how much I don't want to leave this life.I had years to feel that scared, I was extremely scared. Please don't take this question lightly, I feel extreme feelings of sadness when I think that I will leave this life. Or that I will suffer in my life, like we all do from time to time. I feel I am not enjoying this life as much as I want and still I love this life so much, and I also would hate to lose everything I have. What should I do? Even if I live this life to the fullest, it will never be enough when it stops. Paradoxically, I feel like I want to stop living cause I feel scared that i will stop living, which is suffering. I am so scared of death and suffering. What should I do? What would you do or actually do yourself? Any advice?

@Salvijusthank you for the copium. So I should think that most people don't get real love anyway, and it's the norm?

@Sugarcoatand how do you cope? do you find yourself feeling sad sometimes? what you think the solution is not to feel bad?

@Razethat's a lot of suggestions, thank you @LordFall I am bad at it cause of low intelligence, I am socially inept no matter how much experience I get , so I don't approach. @Princess Arabia @Peo @Yimpa Never give up what? trying to find a girlfriend or not give up living my life , fighting to live my life, not caring about getting a girlfriend, and being more positive, which one of those 2 you mean?

I feel like I have a lot of feminine traits that are unnatractive to women to a very big extent and not many masculine traits . How do I become more masculine? My parents never taught me anything about masculinity, I didn't even know masculinity and femininity was a thing, I only now start to learn about it. examples: I am not a leader (hate leading), i am shy (that's the worse thing ever for a man), my looks are just bad (too short), no humour, I don't have enough courage unless someone wants to fight me (i always defend myself), i feel amazing if a woman gives me attention (that's too feminine) and the list goes on and on. I really need to work a lot to change but I don't know how and what to change.

This question has confused me a lot lately. Please don't ignore this question, it may seem it hasn't any validity but I from my POV it's very clear they have and maybe you feel the same. So for example, why I see pink right now and not any other colour (qualia)? Why I live this moment out of infinite others I could live? there must be a hierarchy of moments that will appear, why this one and not any other ? (what's the ''algorithm'' of the appearance of moments and why they are like that?) If every colour is the same (although different in a way) , why would God choose this one instead of a different one? what make this colour so special? There are finite number of colours, why they construct themselves in a certain way, being ''chosen'' when any other colour could be there? To make matters even worse, what if there are infinite amount of qualia of colours that could potentially exist, what would be the mechanism that would choose a specific colour instead of any other different colour? To make things even worse, why there is an assymetry in what I see on the right side and the left side of my visual perception? Why I couldn't see things in the right side that are in the left and vice versa (assymetrical or symetrical doesn't matter)? How could consciousness pick one and favour it when it could achieve the ''same'' experience from the opposite side? Could it be that determinism is an illusion and God is picking something while it could have picked something different? I hate free will , I dread it, but it seems to me that there is no other way for this to happen other than God having free will (randomness). It's like consciousness picks qualia instead of others with the same qualities for no reason. Another thing that has no reason behind it, it's an illogical thing, a paradox. Paradoxes are everywhere. What do you think about all these? Have you ever thought of these things before? Do you have other things that seem to have no reason yourself? Most importantly, how can this be the case with qualia being picked instead of infinite others when they have nothing special more than any other colour? Of course I am talking about colours, but going meta the bigger picture is not about colours, it's about everything, every qualia, every experience.

@Sugarcoatbut it doesn't make sense from something to happen if it hasn't a mechanism (and yet it happens?). I don't know why it's so important to me, but since I was a kid 5-6 years of age, I was intrigued by reality and something in me always told me that knowing reality is the highest thing that a being can do. I will contemplate a little more and if I don't find answers I will stop, cause health is priority and not finding answers make me feel really bad. @Leo Guraso I think it's better if I stop trying to understand everything and just experience this Mystery, this life, cause that's the point of life. @UnbornTaoI contemplate so much it became unhealthy and thus these questions. I think I will stop being so obssesed with these questions and concentrate on other things in life. I will do some more contemplation though, just in case I find something and if it is too much for me I will stop.

@SugarcoatI understand what you are saying and indeed it could be random and not deterministic but then how could there be any mechanism that makes an experience random? Determinism make sense, something was meant to happen this way. But randomness can't have any mechanism, cause why would an experience or whatever qualia be chosen instead of any other? It's like, the more we try to answer these questions then more questions appear and even worse, they have no answers. Everytime I try to answer these questions confusion is the only state I get, it makes me want to quit inquiry

@Sugarcoatthat's so true but then the question becomes , how a mechanism is even possible like that? take programming algorithms for example. They literally wouldn't be able to function if the human programer weren't biased towards a choice. Even when programming seems like it shows a random choice, it actually doesn't, it just picked the specific number from the clock and make it appear as it was random. So yes, you are absolitely right, if everything appeared at once, well how could infinite things appear at once? they couldn't. But that doesn't solve the mystery of how could then God has a choice to pick anything instead of any other thing. It's a total mystery, a totaly can't happen thing that actually happens. I am so confused

edit: imagine you were God, and you had to pick between blue, pink , and green. Why would you choose any of these instead of any other? God has no prefrences, and if it has, then what would be the mechanism to choose one instead of another? if you think about it there is no single mechanism that can choose one if they are all the same.

or you are satisfied with what you know? Do you know it ''all''? What's left for you to find? Is there any question that occupies your mind? Do you think you will find the answers to your deepest metaphysical questions or you gave up trying to find an answer? If you have questions that you can't find answers metaphysicaly, what would be those questions?

@Someone herebut if the biggest questions don't have an answer this is so cruel. I really want to know the answers since I was a kid and realising little by little that I will never know it's just super depressing.

They say in general women are more neurotic(anxiety and depression) than men. I don't know if this helps, but it's the only thing that comes to my mind that men have it better (and it's a big one in my opinion but still I don't know what's better , to be a man or a woman? I think a woman but I hope I am wrong) Personally I have a big life purpose for myself so I distract myself from the suffering of being not only a male but an unattractive male but sadly I've realized that 99% of people don't have a life purpose or the priviledge to be able to chase that purpose if they have one. There are some men that have it better than women and some women that have it worse than men, but I kind agree, maybe it's better if war happens and I get deleted there in heroic deeds or something, or live till 25 like you said and had a full life, but I think it's even worse than you describe it. Not all people were loved or reproduced 10 thousand years ago, maybe I am wrong, but what I have heard is that at 8 thousand years ago only 1 out of 17 males reproduced cause he had all the resources and all the other people were basically slaves. Maybe it's my depression talking I don't know. Another thing I hate for being a man is how we are manipulated to doing everything someone wants us to. You don't fight someone they want you to? you are a coward that will be punished. You have self perservation instincts and selfish desires? you are not a real man and you will be punished by others for that. You don't chase power? you are a loser and you will be bullied. Also I have heard that women have a lot of anxiety when they look after their children. Maybe we have it better? By the way, don't forget the good things men have. We are more passionate about reality and how it works or how things work, we have a body that when exercised is so beautiful to look at, we love logic and learning about the world, we are better at physical activities, I would say in general we have more depth. Don't forget these beautiful things that women don't get to enjoy. On the other hand we get deleted at wars, got no help from others that much, don't get attention, get humiliated, never prioritised and women are more creative (i think), get help, prioritised, have better vocabulary hard wired in them, more mirror neurons i have heard. I don't know man. Maybe you are right, maybe women have it better, but maybe we have it better if you look my last paragraph on the things we men have in general , that women don't have in general.

I try to understand paradoxes and reality so much that my mind starts to hurt. I have gone to a point that I start to feeling sad , I feel like I am diving in darkness metaphorically speaking. It has become an unhealthy obssesion. I can't stop it, I was born a deeply curious person. Whenever I tried to stop for some years I always felt something missing and went back to philosophy to understand it. When I don't try to understand reality I feel something is missing, whenever I try to understand reality I see only paradoxes and I am getting angry and sad. I hate paradox, why does it even exist? Meditation in order not to think of any question doesn't help me, it just makes the thoughts go away for some time and then I just feel bad that I don't understand reality. I plan to do psychedelics in the future but I can't do them all the time, only when I will travel abroad which I will do in 1 or 2 years but the problem is that even people that do psychedelics say things like ''reality is a paradox'' or ''this or that thing is a paradox''. How can paradox exist I don't get it? I am really angry at paradoxes. How can some things have no answers? How can reality defy logic? I want to understand why some things are illogical, paradoxical, how reality exists. But when I try to contemplate my mind gets hurt, my psychology goes down. When I try to search it online (cause I have never found anyone that cares in real life), I find nothing. I am like a rat in a wheel. I try to find something that seems like it doesn't exist and then I try to find why something that exists has no reason to exist. I can't be the only one that feels like that. I am so dissapointed. If I stop searching I feel bad, If I search I feel bad. It makes me crazy I hate it. My purpose in life is to understand reality. This is not a game to me, this is what I live for. It's a game only in the sense that it's extremely exciting (it was at least till paradoxes and dead ends had to appear). I don't care that society doesn't care about reality. I personally, individualy do with all my heart. If I don't understand reality I feel like nothing else matters that much. Have you ever felt like that? How can I feel better cause I need to relax a little? Have you ever solve paradoxes?

Can someone be great at mathematics for example but very bad at visualization or can't manage to create a simple joke? How can I be great at some things that require intelligence and extremely bad at other things that require intelligence? Is this how it supposed to work? Am I low IQ or not? How to make sense of it? (I don't want to give examples cause it will make it too long to read.) Do you have examples from your own life that you seem not to be that intelligent but other examples that you seem to be extremely intelligent? if yes , how do you make sense of it?

I thought I understood all of reality thousand times before, and although I was wrong every single time, I felt a sense of accomplishment, zero confusion, and I felt everything made sense, and for 10 seconds I felt awesome but after that it became mundane. Even if I understood reality correctly , I think the result would be the same feelings. So I wonder , is it worth to try to understand reality, probably for 40+ years, just to have a tiny chance to understand it, only to feel great for 10 seconds? or if you understand reality correctly the benefits are more? Does anything extraordinary happen after you understand all reality? Do you feel awesome every time you remember how everything happens? I just remembered Leo has a video ''how awakening feels like'' which I am going to see right now, but in case it doesn't answer my question, I wanted to make this question here.