eskwire

Ah there you go, that's another way to frame it.

@Nahm I considered that, but thought I may just be blind to it. People frequently tell me I'm weird, which means there is authenticity there. Thanks!

@Peace and Love Bless you for taking the time to share your resources and story with me! Thank you. I am excited to take this year to myself and only allow friendships at this time. You are right that you attract what you are and, right now, I'm changing rapidly. I don't want to attract who I am today because that's not where I'll be very soon! As to fear, I'm still not sure if it's fear that made me consider this. If it is, it is probably a fear of myself not being able to stay aware and make good decisions re: relationships while it's happening. Thank you again! Excited to check out that video. Healthy examples are KEY.

@d0ornokey Woohoo!!!

Original comment is gone. Got sucked into arguing. Is anyone else part of Wolf PAC? I keep putting off the orientation, partly because I'm already scattered between too many obligations and partly because I don't feel confident in it.

@d0ornokey PS if it makes you feel any more confident... My anxiety used to be so bad that I once went to Urgent Care thinking I was having a heart attack. My brother has the same issue and was in the ER more than once. I also used to dissociate, which is a serious ass symptom (disconnecting from reality in an obvious way). I was on meds for this. Tossed em and did Buddhist chanting instead. No more symptoms. My bro is still on stuff but moved to Washington where he could smoke weed and meditate without a legal issue. He's much better. (Please don't abruptly stop meds, not a good idea. If you're put on any, taper off with a doc's supervision.)

@d0ornokey Yup. Get it get it. Remember that all of life is part biology part something something. There is a saying, "Genetics load the gun, but lifestyle pulls the trigger." Don't let the medical and psychiatric community put limiting beliefs in your mind. They are operating from principles of helping people who can't always help themselves and averages. Remember, they have to work within a lot of confines re: time with patients, reasonable expectations, studies about what *most* humans do, how to bill and process, etc. If you are down to change and willing to work, you can. *Retraction: not even what *most* humans do, just a statistically significant amount.

Hehe up to you! I would like to ditch the pillow because I prefer not having one while laying on my back but once you turn on your side...whole new ballgame. ?

Meant that I don't have a calling toward a monastery but yes, you said that very nicely.

@Martin123 It was just something I've thought about from time to time. I don't have a calling or anything. I love to work and do business or administrative type activity and wouldn't want to give that up, but some of the monk type lifestyle choices seem like they have merits worth integrating.

@Inglorious It sounds crazier than it is. I love it. My friends and family lay on it for brief periods because they like what it does for their backs. If you're curious about it, you can start with just sleeping on the floor for a few nights.

While this comes off as somewhat mean-spirited, it's not totally wrong. The plywood board is something that helps my back. Not using a mattress is just an example of something else that would be considered a "wordly comfort" that I let go, rather than only relationships/sex (since you said that was a scapegoat). It's not a focus. If you have helpful input on my misguided focus, you can message me.

I have considered living in a monastery, but doing work in public service seems like the route I want to take. It's almost like I want to live half normal, half monk and find a balance there. Like, I don't watch tv, I sleep on a plywood board, I have very few possessions. Cutting off romantic relationships seems like one of those things I can let go of while still doing work for the public. And it's funny you mention my hair because I am SO attached to it and that may be one thing that deterred me from joining a monastery! Anyway, your advice is solid. It's in line with what seems best at this time. One can "do me" with some rigid rules but not necessarily the rigid rule of celibacy.

@Inglorious Didn't know this existed! Found it.

"If" I am operating from a place of fear. It's a possibility but not necessarily what's going on.

@see_on_see Thanks for your insights on this, too. You may be completely right that I'll realize later that all this means I actually want a relationship. I may show up back on this post married and pregnant in a year. And we'd laugh and laugh and laugh.

@Whywolf Thank you! ?

@aryberry That was actually helpful! Love that you have some experience with this. The idea of celibacy can be a guide and not a rigid stake, that both makes my tree grow only one certain way, while also making it weak. Thank you.

Aight, the decision about taking at least a year to myself without letting anyone cramp my style stands. That's what I really want to do.

@Principium Nexus My understanding is that it means letting go of all of it. I don't think of it in terms of restraint.

@see_on_see Then why do spiritual traditions tell you to set it as a permanent rule? That path is just wrong? Or you have to naturally be celibate for so many years before you join an order?

People also seem to think this is way harder than it is. Love and sex are very interconnected for me. If I'm not in a relationship, I don't care about it at all. When in one, I am very active but outside of that, I just don't care. I don't desire biological children or necessarily marriage. I could take or leave the whole thing. Which is why I'm wondering if, strategically, leaving it is the smartest choice for my consciousness and growth. I've gone a year before with nothing because I wanted to be single and didn't have a drunk one night stand like in my youth. No biggie.

@see_on_see I think I should have worded my post differently. Either that or people are projecting onto the idea. It's not merely to avoid suffering but to avoid the wasted time and energy. It's a distraction from the work of spiritual purification. Hence my allusion to opportunity cost and the risk of getting stifled by one. I also think people responding to this post haven't themselves accepted the idea that no relationship is fulfilling. It's not that I haven't found the right fulfilling relationship or developed myself enough to have one. It's that it is an external rather than internal source of fulfillment and is therefore not what this work is all about.

Thanks for the input, folks. I've decided on celibacy for one year, then re-evaluating it. If I meet someone within that year, we'll have to be friends for that period and that may actually be the best thing. If celibacy isn't an objectively better path and I'm just in a cycle of dysfunctional relationships and bad psychology, then it seems that one year off from the pattern to make changes is a minimum. There's a lot more important work I'd rather focus *all* of my energy on. I'll see how I've grown in a year and I will also take that time to study the phenomenon in monks, nuns, etc.

Day 1 (Again): Orange + Rooibos Tea As you can see, consistency is not strong here. What causes inconsistency? Sometimes, I wonder if I'm afraid of it because I avoid it like the plague for 0 good reason. Anyway! My orange. Gelatinous fibers in citrus fruits blow my mind. They look like something from under the sea. I can just picture the little fibers waving around with the current. Love it. Hearing my teeth tear the fruit's flesh from the peel sounded so carnivorous, like I was tearing apart a zebra with my mouth. This was quite satisfying, actually, but I also noticed a tinge of guilt for tearing into something that had been alive. Interesting. The tea, the tea, this was hard to drink mindfully because I drink things all day compulsively. Perhaps shining some awareness onto what I drink all day long will be helpful. Honestly, it can't be healthy to drink so many beverages all day -- including water -- I mean, it's really way out there on the bell curve. It has to have some sort of effect on my digestion. Why do I do this? Oral fixation? While I haven't been eating mindfully consistently, I have been paying attention to how I feel after eating and the next day. I went to back to restricting foods that cause low-grade allergic reactions and I'm feeling *so much better*. My irritation and hatred levels have plummeted. It's amazing. I wish I'd never loosened up with the restrictions; it was not worth it at all. I could say I was "loosening up with restrictions," but really this was lowering standards.