Sabth

...of what God is.... Back then, during my high school years, God would be everyone in it. The government, all the people in the state are close together, so it would be them too. We used to go to each other's houses. all, of those people could def sent me back home. Def. But now we had grown apart and there are more people in my "circle". My bubble of reality had grown bigger, somehow, throughout the years, but we aren't close. Or it wasn't the gov. Anymore. Idk what I've been to. If back then, everyone in my school are god.. my life revolves around school. Now everyone that has crossed path with me are god? It's harder to bring everything back together. Recollection of everything or everyone that's ever happened to me. It would be weird too.. It's really weird. I dont seem to keep close together depending on the years , I have had met a lot of people. I've joined 3 batch of x when you're supposed to join only one. So I've met a lot of people. But it can't be more. So I stop. I can't make it more. 5:01PM 6May 2023. God who have , the governance . Back then we def had this. Now idk. 8:10PM 6May 2023 I just saw this and it is unbelievable. Gran Saga Chinese version. I can't believe it.

I love this so much. God cares about you. Whoever brought you here will have to take you home. "Whoever created you would have to take you home." I haven't been home for a long time that I've given up on home completely. It had turn sour. (Bland.) If, back then, if I know how to get home, I could have went home/they could have sent me home. (It's possible) Who could have sent me home? It's def not my mom, or dad (they have no intention of going back) . I've created a "home" here. Which is such a pity. It's been too long. That my intention/ memories has died out. I'm a little too old. To remember back my childhood. (Back then, I AM still a child. A childhood. )it's still connected. But now it's been too long. 2014. Now I think I'll be a stranger if I went back. Or I may felt uncomfortable with the things that I'm uncomfortable with. I dont know. I may have grown old here... And it is my home. A forceful home. It was made my home ,throughout the years.. This is what I thought.., I don't miss my childhood anymore. The way I used to. They definitely could sent me home It is, going to shape the cosmos to suit you if, only, I shared it with them back then. I'm such a loser now and forever.. Thinking that I could But I got my things stolen from. ______________ ⬆️this is what I've wrote a long time ago. Now I wish I and my mom would go to X again. It will be a good memories. Will God make it so that we could go back together? Now I have to make a recollection of what "God" is.

I'm so bored with life now. There's definitely a need to start "something", I'll write about this something later. Basically , I'm 27.1 now. I haven't started anything. I got a growing nieces and nephews. Idk.. while I don't want to feel like I have them yet. (It's kinda weird having such a gap in age and generation. I'm not ready.) 2020 2021 2022 and now 2023. What about my lost footage? I remember those days with song releases. And also a phase ,all good memories. I love myself, is what comes to mind . Only my mom and father could not accept my personality and sent me to the hospital. Which really had scratch me from all of my essence and real personality & peak. I was forced , to not be myself. And was disconnected from all of my connections. Spiritually, and every way possible . My phone was lost in their hand. Samsung. (I still have yet to make a police report. ) When did I buy it? It was somewhere within/during the covid. I remembered them wanting to buy me an oppo, but I refuse and bought a Samsung. It has already been bought, but I resell if for 50$ cheaper.. and I bought a white Samsung. After I had went out of the hospital, they totally made me lose all my contact and make me rely on them 100% which is unlike my personality. Before. Totally unlike it. But when I went out, (all the crazy things I've went through in there within a month plus) they mad e me become totally dependent on them. So when I went out, I bought oppo. I totally had forgot myself of when /before I went there. Totally forgot my preference. And so I bought oppo. Oppo is somehow a brand that they all "endorsed" . But I was never into it. Since who knows when.. 2018? Or way before that? Idk. But I have always hated it. Because I want only one brand for the rest of my life . I don't like changing brand. (But I use Huawei before that) somehow, for a while.. now my phone is totally useless.. I don't have a preference, after I went out of the hospital. So I just buy anything. And it turns out to be "oppo". I dislike this phone but anyway, who cares? I wish I had more preference back then. But I've lost my sense of self after that. That I'm following my mom and become dependent on her a lot. That's what they've made me be. I despise it before and we're very... Apart. We don't even talk. I've really , completely , cut myself away from certain people during the I remember wanting or having to do everything by myself. But at least nothings went missing. Everything was preserved and well. I love that. Nothing went missing. If everything in my house is like the ancient Egypt..with all it's things.. that's how it felt . The house felt ancient.. with all the dust. But everything are well preserved. That's what I like. But after they take me, all of my things was touched and a lot was stolen.. Idk what happened to it. But they killed me with my things. I am nothing without my belongings. After having put me in the hospital for over a month, without any contact or internet connection. I was killed.

Who I'd wanna be/aspire to be : . She is just cool in appearance. To be in such age and fitness. I aspire to be like her when I was her age . Hmm. . Maybe planning a trip to will work for ... My weight loss journey (there's going to be a lot of walk and Worship. . I really, was really just looking into my own self development , I can't be focusing on other (4:20pm 5/5) I am truly just on my low now, though not the lowest. But I can only focus on myself. If that even works.. -im not attending a university -ive been touched by many Look at all the things that I'm not. That is troubling me, I'm not at all on my best mode, so let me be me. I'm not in a good mode now... Im not well.. eh? My life is all over the places. I'm not at all together. This song comes to mind : 7:08PM 5/05 I think there needs to be a change in lifestyle. I need to move from here (hence a u) . I can't live here. But I do wanna.

I'm looking for a walk, not gonna run. I've walked before and it was so weird...

I'd hv to wait for either my mom, or my dad, or my brother to bring me. Or I would hv to go alone in this neighborhood .. ..I'm not that bad in workout, anyway

I got a lot of new vivid dreams...

I don't like a mirror I don't need a mirror~ it can't do anything to me. I can only stop and look myself in the mirror, it can't do nothing to me in the background.. Maybe~ . . . Can't I lose my weight naturally?

How old are you? And do you have a healthy physique? This is my first impression. If you have a healthy physique then you shouldn't feel like dying. Like if you aren't old, (I'm old.)

I got a lot of nightmare after writing this maybe its better to not write at all.. Writing this actually gives me a lot of nightmare.

I didn't actually went to create paradise yesterday and today..

I just write a little thought over just now after I've seen a short video/clip from the past. When I was your age. I thought I could have finished a program if I started ,then. Another four year had finished. But I wasn't having a bad grade or whatsoever so idk with you.

Let's create a paradise.

Love is that heart fluttering feeling. Excitement . Believing in our destiny & confirmation..

I will only love this album. It was years ago. 9years? 2014. When my journey was just started. I love this so much. It reminds me of a phase, of a decade. When I just finished high school. And everything was new. Truly the best moments ever. I can still remember every memories in 2014 listening to this song. My life was filled with this album♥️. (I wish there was all the footage that I've taken in 2014-2015 all of it. All. (If only, I cared more about my storage back then, and would invest in it, this wouldn't happened.)) I love 2014 and all the people in it✨???❤️ 10:45 I wanna live in Egypt. . Because it's so private no one knows it's existence.. Except me and ..... This is my thought. . I feel like I am forever a child.. because I haven't graduate.. I should by now have reached a higher length. A higher stages of life. By right, I should already graduated in 2018/19/20. Then maybe getting married. Or getting a master degrees. Then or working. My life should have been reaching a higher accomplishment. It should hv been more complex now. But it wasn't. I went to a lot of knowledge seeking instead.. I didn't do what I am supposed to do. When it converged. I wasn't good at it either. Nothing is wrong with my path. I just did something early. Now I think I am forever a child...

2023-2024 Feeling 2023 26 going 27. February March April May June July August September October November December.. 7:29AM Saturday 4/2/23 I shall plan a time or set a date to went to mecca. 2013/2014 And now probably 2023/2024 December January after a decade . With whom? | Don't mind me. 7:10PM Saturday 4/2/23 I'm feeling even worse today. I wanna go out and buy something and get myself together. It felt weird that Im not driving. (Aha Earlier this morning there's something that I wanna do.) . It's good to not make any interaction with anyone. 11:22AM Sunday 5th February 2023. Either through. X or x. It's good to see from faraway. Or in unrelated way. So I feel good when I unfollowed them all. Eh? . Things I wanna do : remembering back all the sacred *being interrupted* Nvmd~. 10:26PM Sunday, Feb 5th, 2023. Good night here❤️ Tonight, I'm feeling ,not too fine but anew. I'm not gonna let me forgetting. Still, not solving my issue. It wasn't a big issue but I need to sort things out. I shouldn't be going anywhere. If anything just there. Not x. I still got a nightmare whenever I fall asleep. Things are dangerous/serious but I couldn't control myself. 2233 How do I stop how do I go back letting things go back to it's usual. That's what I wanna do. A few days ago ,I was very much worried about my career/studies or the things that I didn't do well in /finish. It seems like an unfinished project (so I hàd a lot of trauma or fear regarding that. It's moreso a trauma than fear.) . So I had a really hard time. For a moment. Till I know what I'm doing yet again. *I've eaten non x food today. My bad. I shouldn't hv done so. But I lose to a five year old nephew. I couldn't resist /turn it down. So yeah. That's tonight. 4am 8th Feb 2023 I'm not. 1130pm 8/2/2023 - I'm getting a little sick today from all the road . 2:29PM 13th Feb 2023 Monday - What remains unchanged is the best. No renovation. No change. Just preservation. Of what's within. This is good. Anything that's changed is no good . Bad. Foundation.. let it be constant. Remained unchanged. Now I don't know what's wrong with this place. But it's bad. Many old things are gone. (?my mom used to be anti this.) But now, she no longer know about it.) Anyway, I found many things to be bad. I wish I didn't lose my track/my memory along the way. So that everything would remained constant. Only added up. Added value but never (changed.) decreased. In any way. -2:35PM. The changes are in homes and places. Cycles. Those two. I find these to be quite saddening. It's good to be increased,but never exchanged. Or taken away from.. 18/2/2023 Saturday 8:06AM I'm twenty six years old now. Current space : renovated room (that are unlike mine) it wasn't like before.. and I'm all against Progression or change. I like what was before. foundational Base. Transformational. ____________________________ 25February 3:12AM I dreamed that I brought chocolate for my sister.. Log 26 Feb , Sunday 2023 Bgm lonely nite taeyn . I got nothing to say. 7:56AM .... 4th March 2023 11:33AM I'm feeling bored now. Than ever. (Feel like I wanted to start studying again, in a local u. Unlike before.. ) Just to get my brain started working again. 1146. 8:58 PM It's raining now. I just feel like everyone's getting older.. What if I had spoiled my life? How do I make it everything worth it? /Catch up with my . ? 9:17PM 9/3/23 5:29PM 3102023 I'm still feeling sad about my loss . 3:40AM 12/3/23 I wanna go to a concert but, 03162023 1913 The question I had today ; Where's my bible? 22 March , 4:51PM - I wanna fly and be free like a bird. I wanna be good in health and eyesight. I wanna have a superior mind (extraordinary intelligence the way I do as a child. When I was younger. I could do/handle many subjects at once.) My mind are more active. I'm x now. and i don't know what to do? 255pm 27/03/2023 I cant pretend that I'm okay with my life now. 955pm 29/03/2023 My thoughts for tonight ; Is it shameful to wear an Indian saree? /Clothing when I'm nothing of it? Is it shameful? Even if I "kinda" like it. Is it shameful? Wearing it for nothing. Cosplaying? Na. No. I'm serious. It looks pretty good. I like it. Somehow... (I'm so weird... ) . Just like a robe is not your traditional clothing, a saree is not too.. 1018 30032023 My life felt troubled now. 6April2023 I seek the highest quality of life. Not opposition. 15thApril2023 5:34AM Gm ? 6Days Ramadans Left - what did I wanna do? 359pm15423 Islam will make you elevated. 538pm15423 . When my parents no longer practicing Islam they're destroyed . Their house is destroyed. (Otherwise, we had this Islamic concept on the layout. The simpler the better. ) Now we're destroyed. It was made back in 2010/11. So it has been for over a decade now. It is destroyed. Now no longer like when it first ,was built. (Idk what would be good for me now.) All, the concept, gone. I can't practice Islam alone. They have, actually, gone the wrong path. Allah is the prophet of Muhammad. This is, their label. Their route. For the longest time ever we have said Muhammad is the prophet of Allah. Rasool Allah. Messenger. Prophet. But they have made it Allah the prophet of Muhammad. Or wtvr that is. And producing a lot of merchandise like this.. I'm not a fan of this. Really. We hv been saying Muhammad Rasool Allah since the beginning of time. But idk what to do with it. This house ain't mine. (There's a lot of things and something on the wall (poster) that hv this element/this misleading title I can only felt disgrace on it. There is something, that is only, applicable to the prophet. And no one else, can use it. (But they use it.) So it was only for the prophet. Or maybe it's a lie. Since it was located on his back, and he can't see it. I'm tired of this. Neither is it important. I just wanna be practicing and be on the right path if others aren't then I may want to disassociate myself from them (/it). ☝? How am I gonna do this? Leave the house that we've built together? Im just a teenager(back then.) And now, how am I gonna live , on my own? As long as everything's clean. (I'm not on a misleading path.) I just wanna be true.... Straight path. I'll be happy. Barbaric. 6:19PM // We don't celebrate his nineteen. I don't. We just spoke. 3:48AM whenever I made a post on others thread I feel like something is being taken away from me. Like a distraction... I got lost from my focus*. It is, as if I had to retain myself for a good long time and not made a comment. Usually I won't even had a comment. Unless if it's really bringing me forward in my own journey/life. Everything are more , closely tied together. This is how it used to be. April19th2023. *I got fragmented. But I couldn't undo my comment. I hope to get more aligned with my core. Like only praising "God" No no no.. . 5:58 20/4 it 1 I feel good when my brother &sister are coming back home. (They are a practicing m.) Suddenly, everything felt normal. Unlike before. 2:55AM 22/04/2023 - Maybe I love my body as I am. (Without working out.) I just want to be fitter and lose some weight. "I may miss my un worked out body after having gained some weight." 451PM 22/04/23

The past can be awakened, and once awakened it will be lost. For many times in the past, I have dreamt of my previous house and see the people in it are getting old. And the house was covered in sand almost covering it all. And then I no longer had such dreams. My past are calling me back. After a while it's the end. Or things like after I read my diaries for the second time/for the first time after a while, when I've forgotten it, the second or third time reading it it will no longer producing the same effect. Because I've already know it. I think if it was never awakened, it will last forever. Until the day it was re covered. There was something, like a spirit that was trapped in memories. (Looking back at that dreams, it seems like they are calling me back) but after a while, I no longer got such dreams.

I kill pests but I don't kill other animals. Food, they don't have the same intelligence as humans do. So you'll see those who are involved in war aren't that intelligent or are made for that. So it was easier for them to be killed. Their value aren't the same as one individual thinker. If chicken are more intelligent than humans then it wouldn't be killed. The Chinese eat cat&dogs meat. They kill people. Murder. Just like any other meat. Putting it in a freezer. So I got a little eerie thinking how we put animals meat in there ... (Humans murder aren't a new things. There's a baby soup. Dismembering dead body,..., ) Huh?

654am 04/24/23 I may have a lot of trauma regarding that (with my lots of past works) can I truly get rid of it? (I couldn't.) It is a part of me. That has really passed. I don't wanna say this or bring this up, but it is what happened. My work in a summary certificate form went missing or was stolen at my own home. So there's nothing I could say or do about it. Together with my other belongings. That happened earlier this year when I'm not around. For the first time at home. My bad luck/circumstances/misfortune.. I don't wanna bring this up. Let's just do/have something good from now on. A lot of my things went missing.

I'm just gonna make/create a new one. . At this age, what I realized is, the more you stay at your own place the better. It's not good to go out to others places. Just stay. At home. Focus on your own path. . 708PM 04/23 - I'm bored .... 332AM 04/24 I dreamed of kax & jexxxe. And also a whole lot of another dream..

I dont feel as much, pleasure, to drink /eat during the day as I did back then. Now it just seems like a little course of action to fast during the day. It's a little thing. Nothings much .

451PM 04/22/2023 I don't feel clean in my diet. Idk how to freshens everything. Probably a hike or a walk in nature early morning. But I didn't know how? to get there.. Still couldn't drive Or have the freedom. Even for everyday morning walk?? Idk how to do this. The people in my family are old, or it would be awkward if I asked them to do this? Really? Idk what to do with my life To shape my life into an ideal? Attending a (second) university at this age? (Would that be good? Or would it be too much for me? But I didn't know how to have a good, healthy lifestyle (I probably want a higher radius of movement into my life) if only I had a car (a small car) and could drive... I think I will move around a lot. Really? Wouldn't I be scared to drive? I regret not making this something I'm used to when I was younger .(at the age of driving that is 17yo. ) I was, .. Now I didn't know what to do with my life. 11:11 A lot of things in the middle of this Journal I've already forgot/don't care about. It has leave me. 2016

@something_else if you take your parents as yourself then it is your fault that you get molested.

This is a question I've had a month or so ago. Especially .Should I work or should I go to a university ?

Perfect song when my sister is back❤️