Sabth
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Someone wants me to forget my past
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I really don't like to be forced. Or pressured.
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What did I see? In my dream?.... If possible I don't wanna sleep. I fear.
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Yk, when my grandparents are alive, we are moving very slow. And they teach me a lot. But when I have nephew /nieces we aren't like that.. and they are very destructive. Maybe we shouldn't have left our past to be alive. Maybe, if we had a lot more family, this will do. Like when I'm gone, there's more people or new generations that's doing what I do back then. It doesn't have to be blood related. Could be adoption . But the cycle must flow. Idk. Like I wish, Right now , when I think of a place that I went to with my grandma, I feel like I no longer wanna go there. Because with my grandmother's death, it would be the death of that place. I can't go there without her. It feels weird to be there without her. And I wanna keep moving forward. Exploring new places without her. Idk. Like looking back, it will make me sad. But she also appears a lot in my dream. Idk. The last time I went is more than a decade ago. While others have done it a lot. Idk. And it seems like they are very shallow. And things like people in my fam no longer practicing the religion. There is an evil force going around. Like a patriarchal force? Which didn't exist before. It's when you let some run rampant . I want my mom's kinda feminist back. It would be better if people mind their own business and are separated. Not marrying each other even between women . Like it was very damaging. And they kill everyone. Is it communism? We're better off not knowing each other. I need to show what my previous world were like. (It's not even a huge world but I already felt like dying. Maybe because they killed me ) Like stealing my things. Otherwise I would have all of the traces of the past... // Am I ruining you for saying this? If it was something that I said when I'm not dead it's fine. Because it is something that I believe and have strong standings on it. Not now. Anything I said now is just weak /deadly.
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Year 3024 I barely think I'll be alive now.
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Flashing before memories . .. I know with whom I liked most.
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It turns out red though.
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@Yimpa I did. And I burn my cheek a little.
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@Sandhu Iโm not working. I am also not married. My siblings who had gotten married should also live in their own houses because they have created their own fam. I dont mind brotherโs fam though. And i told my mom that she didnt know how to take care of the house because when im not home my things are stolen.
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โฃ๏ธ I never touch a man or anyone intentionally in my life. Especially during covid, we stop taking handshake or any contact. This is normal. And back then , I was quite pious. I believe in God and I pray and I was not sexually active and I read the Quran (like some surah everyday since I was young except when I'm busy. There are phases like that) and I have other practices. I don't like being touch as that would be like energy exchange. But then , one day when my mom was travelling and my two other siblings aren't at home (my another two didn't live with us, so the ones who live with us aren't at home ) there was a guest coming to our house. It was a male. And later something happened and these guys (my father and him) were holding me down. I was so pissed off that I thought " wouldn't my father alone would be enough to hold me down?" I don't even do anything or fight back because I don't wanna hurt myself. Before this, I wouldn't let anyone do anything to me. My father might have been a healer but I WOULD NEVER LET HIM DO THAT TO ME. Like I won't. Like my sister they would. They would let him do something to them.. but I won't. Because I have God. I believe in God and I am myself a healer so I don't want ANYONE TO BE ABOVE. ME OR GOD TO DO something to me. So I never accept anything. Or submit to anyone . Except God. Back then. That was my belief. Like I would have been a non Muslim if I would submit myself to anyone back then. And I was like this since I was a child. I can't remember when I'm not. I was born like this. And even when we went to some pious people houses, they would say that I already have God (my own God?) and they won't do anything to me because they respect my Creator? They said I didn't need it. So I never let my father do anything to me even though many others went to him. And he assaulted me. I was so pissed off. But I wouldn't move. And LATER , this guest's mom came in and try to do something to me too. Like they are pigs . If I was strong all of em would have been dead. I wanna punch them so bad. (This is not true. I was weak). And later this mom go away and it was just me and my father and this guy holding me in the living room. (Before I was in the kitchen) . And this is when I spit on their faces out of disgust. ๐คฌ And later though I couldn't remember it well (if he touch me too or not) but I told my mom and my sister to not let my brother in law to see me without my hijab. By this time they already arrived. My mom too. But they wouldnt listen to me. And they brought me to the hospital. In there , they would tied me to the bed. For the whole night and my hand was bleeding so much that there was blood all over my clothe. (From the needle at the back of my hand) In the middle of the night I managed to untied myself from the bed and can walk around. I saw everything. And I took the needle off of my hand. And more blood coming out. First , they have touched me. And then, they spilled my blood. And my father let another guy see me without a hijab. Now to make it even showed myself without a hijab to many more men. To not make them feel special. I don't want them being the only one who have seen me without a hijab. If you were me would you do this? I would ALSO, NOT WANT ANYONE , WHO ARE A scholar, or family, or in laws , or those who never seen others naked except their women , because these guys could have a different reaction to it and would be dangerous. There was a certain people with whom I don't wanna be seen without a covering with and others I wouldn't care. To some I would want to wear a full covering and to my x, if I were to meet them I would wanna still be the same. Not wearing it. Like we used to be. So, this is not too easy. And when I'm travelling , I would wanna still feel freedom. Somehow. Sometime. But I don't wanna be without a full covering in front of my brother in laws... And I never did without it. It has always been like this. (Which is quite recent.) And I had a bad experience with showing my normal self to a guru? Scholar? Idk. Lead? Idk. But I wasn't wearing a full covering and had wished that I would later on. (There was a girl who did it and I asked her why ? And she said because of meeting the guru. And I didn't understand why. And now I do. She said she only wear it to meet him. Not outside. And there are several people who did that. ) They can be creepy. Telling me that just by knowing you name they could pull me. All you need is someone's name. But with God nothing could harm you. I went with my bro so it wasn't just only me. And now I wanted to dyed my hair pink. And I would do what's comfortable to me. If you were me would you open your hijab even though a guy or two had abused you and see you without a hijab even though you're not willing of it. Like forcing you. Would you still wear a hijab even though someone had opened it you know like something that had been done cannot be undone. It can only go forward. Like what have been done cannot be returned. Even if I wear a hijab I would already have been without a hijab. That day. But I don't wanna be open in public. I would still be wearing shaggy clothes here , at least here , where I am. And be subdued. Do not tell me to do whatever I want . I want to know the Truth. If you were me what would you do? I can no longer keep up with being a real Muslim. They had touched me and a non mahram guy had seen me without a hijab. I don't want him to be special so I open my hijab to a lot more other men. To feel normal. Would you? But not everyone. V
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But at the end of the journey I've met someone who's lower than me , ** ** I while later I dream right now even my brother's door the room that I'm in right now had been broken. And it can't really be closed. And the room that I was in back then, now my brother is in it. Had been raided by my sister's fam some people. And I dream that my siblings are bringing me in a car to all the places that I've been in before like places of the past. When I'm already forgetting it. I'm doing this for something valuable. But they're trying to bring me back. And I see them(sisters fam) touching my younger bro. Yk, it's like being assaulted upon being assaulted. And it spread. Like my younger bro looking up to my second sis. And then he would look like that to my youngest bro. And my things was still being stolen upfront in front of me. And they raided my room back then where all my things were stolen. And now my bro was staying in that room so he got raided. ** **
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I am not saying that I am always safe. Or is still safe.
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I can't. I think my mind is kinda rotting right now. (Idk). Should I talk to my family? Should I not? (I don't wanna). This is something that I forced on myself. It wasn't natural. But we can't fake it anymore. Like it was just a comfortable thing to do. But in truth. They're the ugliest person ever. But they try to make it as if nothing happened. Acting as if nothing is wrong. After they killed me. Tried to make everything normal. After stealing from me and betrayed me. And at one point I even fall for it. Like feeling like my parents are getting older. And I wanna move to a different place with my parents. Like wanting my parent to stop working. And I was okay with my nephew/nieces. And I wanna my sister to come back. Visit us. It was the natural feeling or calling that I got. And sometimes I would feel something weird too. Though I didn't know why but I wasn't completely forgetting what they did to me. And as I was becoming stronger, or not too weak , i kinda question it. And now I would still think about it. I've blocked the first suspect. But it could be other too. And those who had betrayed me, I don't. Want to make connection with them. They are my direct fam member. My father asked me if I wanna go to my siblings places. And I don't wanna go. Even though my sister is kinda soft hearted. She did it the second time and I don't wanna. Why couldn't you not betrayed me the first time ? I know she is my sister. Maybe she had a lot of other things above her. But, she didn't say anything to me. So it's over. When I cut my mom off only then she would come to me. But it's over. I even think that I do not wanna talk to her initially. But then, I still do. Even though it was a little tense. And when she asked me if anything was wrong, I do not wanna talk to her at all anymore. It's over . You can't be asking me what's wrong. I already told her. And she ignored me. And my mom too. So now even though my father assaulted me with other guy I still talk to him. My brother I do not like him because he always acted like older brother (even to my oldest sister) when he was just a younger bro. I am closest to my youngest bro. Back in the day, cuz we're youngest. But he hadn't been at home for years. We're separated. For a long time. And now that we're older it would be kinda awkward when we do meet. It's a little too old. If we grow up together things would hv been normal. Idk. But he is with my oldest sister , so I just thought that she is taking care of him. Idk.. I really don't know.. (remembering what happened to me..) all is fine. It had been a long time we haven't met. Here. (I do go there a month or two ago) And when he was here he could already drive around. I can't believe that he's already as old as when I was in a university back then. Idk if I'm responsible for him or not my oldest sister is. My father asked me if I wanna go to their place or not later this year, and I said I don't. Since I have cut my mom off. And if I were to go I would wanna go to another place. It was local. And was promoted. And I saw that it was very beautiful. And I like this place. My grandma's place. Idk. If I were to move that's where I wanna go. And , yk, when I travelled with my mom to a place that I've missed a lot, my father who had abused me would not allowed me to walk on my own . And I stayed with my mom. This was never the case when I'm alone back then. I could go wherever I want. And I honestly didn't wanna go back. I wanna stay there for a few months. I miss it and I don't wanna go back to my dad. Even though I wish I could bring my nephew and nieces for a while. Idk. Idk. It's just a feeling that I felt. Like we have become close. Even though, their mom could be the one who's stealing my things . And my bro too. They killed me. But I became very close to my mom because I'm weak. And by right , if I hadn't choose to stop going, she would have to drive me to the hospital forever once a month to take a vaccine. Whatever that is. It just felt so fucked up. So I stop going. And she would threaten me to sent me back and I even thought that would be better (how much I would rather be there forever than be at home. If it were like this ) like I don't mind it. I have been killed anyway. And I'm used to sit in that hospital for over a month. Yk. Might as well just carry it forever. I've been killed anyway. And if they didn't steal my things after I came back that would have been more acceptable. But I've lost a lot of things. My heart sink writing this.
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I have been assaulted anyway.