Sabth

12.12.23 Have I lost a lot in my life?

Is my family rich or poor? When I was enrolled in a university my family sponsored my fees fully I don't need to have debt or scholarship but when I was out of university they don't give me as much money as when I was in a university. In fact it's almost to nothing. Besides basic needs. They no longer give me allowance. BUT, the thing is I didn't finish my school. So I no longer get a lot of flowing money from my parents. Now that I stay with them, I no longer had any money.

1:23AM I dreamed that I was in a slum. And there was a kid , disfigured, who want to shot me with a needle , an injection, and I was on a pulley going downhill. We were really close. These kids are crazy. I would have looked at people who are cacat lowly. It's like a world of hell. But I was from a highland. High mountain? I don't know. But going down, we go through this pulley. I was from high up. This thing fit only one person per cable. And I'm going down. Then I see my younger cousins wanna shot my sister too. And I freaked out. Telling her that he wanna shot her with an injection. It was really scary. What's up with all these slum?

I hate myself for a reason when I wrote this. Because I am not being myself. So I hate it. But now things hàs got a little better.

You need to learn from your parents how they make money and be like them. Why can't I be richer than the past generations?

My grandparents are wealthy but my parents arent. So yeah. You would have to get your own place in the world. My grandmother have houses that she bought using her own money but now.. my mom aren't wealthy. Though she could spent her life not working but she aren't rich. And I don't make money now as an adult. My step grandma can travel every year until when she's really old but my parents couldn't. They all have worked and have a career but my mom didn't. And I'm fucked up. I know this is just my only problem. But I'm bad. At least my mom has graduated and has done the pilgrimage but I hadn't.

I eat a Thai dish when I went to x last week and it was so tasty. Now I feel like I want to ask my mom to cook it. I think it's Khao mok.

I'm bored. 6:06PM

Or, I wanna take a degree in filmmaking. But I don't know any scholarship for such degree

Or should I go to a non local university? So that I could at least experienced other country and other weathers/climate? My life could be focused on creating a cute babies hh..

Which one is better?

If I take a Bachelor of x at xUniversity x next year January for foundation I'll be 28years old Foundation 28years old |1 year| 2024 Bachelor Degree 29years old - 31years old |3 years| 2025-2027 Do you think it's worth it? $33k per year annually. And I will be old once I graduated. With a degree in Design. Do you think this degree is good? And worth it? I'm thinking of spending my four another year of my life. I will be an old woman. Is that better that I will be a 31year old with a design degree in S rather than a mother (of a few childrens) and wife? I'm imagining the 31 year old me. I'd rather have a lot of experiences within these four years doing whatever I want and be free, instead of being tied to a four year courses (university degree). Would that be better?

I feel like I want to go to a local university in my state. Right now it's evening and it's dark. It's about to rain. And I feel like I am doing nothing. I might as well fill my time with pursuing a degree. Am I not going to do anything forever? Today I haven't done anything. I slept until 12:00PM. Or maybe later. Then woke up. Then pray at 3PM and now it's 4:47PM. I still had nothing to do. I feel tired of my life. I am the only one at home with my parents.

I don't graduate at a university at 23 back then. . I saw someone an influencer post a pic yesterday a local influencer. A pic which said , "I used to eat whatever was put on my plate and wear whatever clothes that my mom could afford, and my mom says, if you want to eat whatever you want and wear whatever clothes you want wait until you have worked (/having your own job) /"I grow up eating whatever was put on my plate and wearing clothes that my mom could afford" After their mom had said that, she said now I can wear whatever I want and eat whatever I want. And I thought to myself, I never reached that stage... I never worked and haven't worked.. I still was dependent on my mom.. while my mom would give what I want, it's not everything that I've ever wanted. Am I doomed for life? For not having work? I still am dependent on my mother. Am I really bad? . Oh, I thought it was in my language but it's English. Lame , so lame. And this girl said she's already achieved that. While I am so far from being working. /Having a work. "If you want to eat other things, wear different thing, wait until you're working later" - mom.

There are three or four(or five or six) expensive things and the rest are just cheap things a lotttt.. There are 63 items in my cart. Seven of it are $5894.47 and the rest of it (56) are only $147.63. so the expensive things are a lot.

Currently I have a lot of cheap things that I want to buy that have accumulated to become expensive because there's a lot of it. I can't ask my mom for it because she would probably wouldn't buy me those things. Currently it is at a little above $6k. Hahaha is that a lot?

.

I'm running out of time.

Have I wasted my youth?

Am I really have becomes bored of life?

My siblings are all married and stay away from the family (my bro is studying somewhere far and my another bro live in a different state. Both are younger brothers. And both of my sisters are married.)

There's nobody to teach me driving a car my parents can do it but they're not doing it. It has been for years. They teach my other siblings back then but not me. I don't hv anyone to teach me driving. If they could I would hv been able to drive years ago. **I think if I get a job I will do fine. Or if...

5:20AM I dreamed that Jennie had already had a child.

Whoever made this playlist bless her/his heart. Invu Here I am Fire Feel so fine