theleelajoker

What you are saying does resonate. I still see value in the Vipassana approach, but there was some imbalance in my way of interpreting and doing it. I believe I got too deep into the "calm your mind" attitude (repression) and too little into the expression of what I am thinking / feeling. The consequence was trying to do something with force, just as you said. And the result was repression and the result of that was feeling shitty, to be blunt. I very often had the feeling of experiencing life as a game. Can you please elaborate a bit more about what you wrote here "you have to unravel its secret, it's like a game." For instance, how you go about playing this game? Triptamine is not an option right now. I do psychedelics but currently its more about integration of my previous experience (mushrooms) before going on another trip. On a side note: The "trap" you talk about reminds me of the Samadhi documentaries. IMO absolutely worth watching. This feels so true right now. I tried to avoid suffering - or what I called "unnecessary suffering". In my mind, there was a logic of some suffering that is necessary to learn and some suffering that I can simply avoid. I thought "hey just do the right things (meditation, sports, be present as much as possible, active social life etc) then I can eliminate "unnecessary suffering" and only necessary suffering remains. I see now that there seems to be a flaw in this logic. 1) How do I know which one is necessary, which is not? 2) Whatever it maybe, I resist suffering. I resist what is. Which does not sound like a good plan at all

I just processing your replies. Thanks for that. I think something is starting to click. 1. Things happen (or seem to); 2. The self (which is entirely illusory) then tries to claim the apparent happening as its own. It believes it either brought it about, or that it somehow owns it. Of course, this is completely untrue because the self does not actually exist I understand "claim the happening" as I am building up a story how it happens, the causalities, what I did etc. ? Is that what people talk about in "do nothing" meditation? I think I am starting to get what you say. I often had the feeling, that I bring myself to this point of anxiety etc just that my suffering becomes so strong, that I have no choice but to let go. I had this experience once during my vipassana retreat. This makes so much sense. What I do not understand is your point about will. I thought "will" = mental activity and thus effort and creating disbalance. Like the analogy with waves in a pond. All of you - thanks a lot for your comments. I already feel much calmer. Facing some of my biggest fears helped. Just feeling things instead of being afraid to feel. And then it is not as bad I thought it would be

Hello Mosksha and axion, thanks for replying. It already helps a little bit, if only that it feels like someone else can somehow relate and even took a few moments to reply. I feel like I am in a very deep emotional crisis, depressed and anxious so every little thing helps. I know it will pass. I just don't feel it yet.

Can someone relate?

By having fun. All the things you listed can create pressure if you leave off the fun

My personal favorite answer to this I heard from a friend: The world is not the way it is because the way it is now, it is the "best place". It is how it is because the way it is now, it is "the best place to learn what we are supposed to learn".