Sincerity

I think your addiction to the forum has a root cause and You're not solving it by leaving the forum. It's up to You to figure out what it is. I'd guess that even if You leave this place forever You will soon find another way to satisfy the addiction. Make sure You're not running away from the problem. Confront it. When this addiction of yours is not satisfied it will certainly come up to the surface. You will probably suffer because of that but You can decide to be persistently conscious of it and try to dissolve it. You have it in You to pull through. But also there's no shame in retreating and deciding to fight this battle in another time. We'll welcome You back with no judgment if You return, because these battles are hard. Good luck.

@StarStruck I don't know why You thought it's the right thread for this cynical meme.

Thank You! That's really nice to hear. ?❤️

Hahaha. You really think You wouldn't sell your soul to the devil for the right price? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Imagine You could treat that illness that's been torturing You all your life. Imagine You could turn back time and save your loved one from being raped, murdered, tortured. Imagine You could have any body You want, get rid of everything You don't like about yours. Imagine You could stop the war in Ukraine. In fact prevent all wars from even happening. Imagine You could make the government into what You want it to be. Get your conservative/progressive agenda through. Imagine You could kill that country's oppressive leader (that may be harmful to the broader world too) with a snap of a finger. Imagine You could have all the riches of the world --> money, status, women, luxury, power... Imagine You could have what You want MOST. That even includes existential depth, experience of mystical states, incredible understanding of reality, basking in unimaginable beauty... Imagine, imagine, imagine. The only cost is losing the way out of yourself. That's not that big a price considering You could have anything You want, right? And also it's not like You can only do stuff for yourself. You can also do good for others! Like stopping wars or getting a progressive agenda through! What's wrong with that?! Fuck everything. If I could sell my soul to be all-powerful, I would. I'd bring everything to ashes and laugh about it. THE DEVIL WANTS TO BE ALL-POWERFUL LIKE GOD! Isn't that funny?! HAHAHAHAHA. Haha... it's so easy to corrupt a person. You just have to press the right buttons! There are so many erratic thoughts going through my mind lately that it's hard for me to find stability sometimes. Yesterday I meditated for an hour and found myself in mild states of madness. I'm not gonna presume what insanity is because I don't know it but I had weird visions and illogical thoughts and all... also during the night I had incredibly vivid fever dreams. Slept for only 3 hours, went for my college lecture today and looked like I was half-dead. My friends were looking at me weird, also because I mentioned to them that I experienced some mad states yesterday. I told them that because one of them said something to me and mentioned meditation and I said "funny, actually I meditated yesterday and went into some states of madness". It was perfectly in context, however that was a blunder and I should bite my tongue more. I feel like I've lost my filter to a considerable degree in the recent months... Well. To be honest I feel like I haven't been stable lately, but I consider that part of the journey. I must integrate this devilish shit. I have to pull through somehow and I certainly will, nobody's going to help me with it. I feel like I'm on my own. I'm not worried about killing myself anymore that much since it's kinda lost its "power" to me. I deconstructed it and don't see it as a valid way out. At least that's my current view. I'll do anything it takes to pull through in THIS dream, because why not. NOTHING matters anyway, including escaping from here... But God... Why the fuck is all of this so difficult ☹️

I've been playing with ChatGPT today. A lot. "Consider this guy's writing style and personality: //https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/83908-expression-of-sincerity/?page=1 //https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/83908-expression-of-sincerity/?page=2 //https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/83908-expression-of-sincerity/?page=3 //https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/83908-expression-of-sincerity/?page=4 Based on his posts, write a light-hearted love letter to the TV show Adventure Time in his style. Touch upon its spiritual aspects, emotional maturity and character depth. Make it more like a journal entry, but without addressing the journal itself. And don't address the show directly." I could write something similar to that... Scary! At least the style is quite close to mine I'd say. Sooo much potential in AI. I want to learn to work in synergy with it because that's where future is heading undoubtedly. I'll also have to evolve massively to kinda outsmart it and be "relevant" in this world. I mean, if my work in life isn't so intelligent that AI can't replace it... well, that's not good at all! Questions I'm asking myself: How can I use ChatGPT to my advantage? My 100 ideas for utilizing ChatGPT especially for my needs How do I work in synergy with it? How do I integrate it into my workflow? How do I make it so that my work in life isn't made redundant by AI? What can I do that AI can't? How do I have to evolve to be relevant "in my times"? (haha) Ultimately, what do I even want to do in life? I'm still uncertain... Maybe I should ask ChatGPT how to not be jobless in the future.

Today I asked ChatGPT about a channel most similar to Actualized.org in terms of depth. It recommended Jeff Foster. Well, actually it recommended Academy of Ideas first, but I asked for a more spirituality-oriented one.

Who the hell looks up to him as "all-powerful God" who doesn't do anything wrong? It isn't common at all here. If You don't see him as a human You are deluded, I suggest. (Unless You see EVERYTHING as God, then that's fine and congrats) It seems to me You utterly misunderstand what it means to be God. It does not necessitate never losing your temper or even not being a dick sometimes. YOU ARE GOD and yet You make blunders in life. Because the Dream is of being limited. To me personally he is human first and foremost. Sure, an above-average human, certainly. A radical human teacher of spirituality. But still human. Don't give away your authority and pledge no allegience to ANY human teacher. Pledge allegience to GOD. Listen to your intuition primarily. But also consider the teachings, because if You're experiencing them maybe there's some reason for that. Don't be so foolish to think You know better. Humility is of great importance.

@Gesundheit2 Great points!

The guy should receive 10x more appreciation than hate. And yet it's the other way around. It's very easy to hate and criticize. Consider that it must be fucking difficult to be a leader of a spiritual community, a businessman, a RADICAL explorer of consciousness (!!!!) and more + doing all that basically on your own. Also while dealing with health problems, dozens of people constantly wanting something from you, throwing shit at you, leeching off of you and much more. I mean like OP said, give the guy a fucking break. Some of You forget that there is a human with a personal life behind that forum account under which is written "42,779 posts". That human has struggles, ambitions, emotions, fears, moments of weakness... I will say I very much don't like that Leo wrote "Fucking idiot" in a user's ban message and I don't enjoy seeing these outbursts. Well, I advise You can do a benefit-cost ratio if You're unsure about staying here. Make a decision what to do and stick to it, trust your intution. It's perfectly fine to leave, You are going to be okay. Make your experience about what the heart guides You towards. Don't try to make something work that just doesn't work for You.

Okay. I forgot about the trap of pet theories. Thanks for pointing it out to me. God, this work is a minefield.

Ok, I'll go deeper. I admit I can be sloppy with concepts. I like to unify them and say things like all fear is that, all X is actually Y... Then I realize I'm wrong. Making things more simple than they should be!

Ohhhh that's right actually! Or hmm. Maybe this ever-changing quality of consciousness could be understood as time? There is no time but also it's all changing... and THAT'S what "time" really refers to? Time and Timelessness as one. Eternity, hahahaha.

Ok, right. Ok. I guess that's the case. Idk, I'm really trying to tiptoe around time and not get lost in concepts... On the one hand I get that it happens in cycles but on the other hand there's nothing but NOW and a cycle implies events in the future... I'm trying to stay grounded in current experience and I feel like it's frying my mind. Well. I don't understand the relationship between change and time. I don't know yet if change is more fundamental. To me it feels synonymous to time. This "what actually creates intelligence?" questions feels very intriquing, I'll definitely contemplate that. Thanks for responding.

@Leo Gura My awakenings so far have shown me there is no God besides me. So no omniscience if I am not omniscient. Do You find that there is "God who's more awake than You"? Doesn't that imply an "other"? When I say You I mean God. Also I don't understand why You say God had to "create his omniscience" and "become intelligent". Doesn't that imply time? And again, doesn't that imply an other God? My current understanding is that this is a Fantasy/Dream and there's no "before" and "after" experiences... Or at least there's zero connection between them. Memory doesn't get transported because that would imply time and it's only THIS. Infinite Intelligence just IS and it has always been. The Fantasy of course is that Intelligence. So the crux is that You say memory/intelligence/omniscience is built across lives. And I'm doubting that. If You could clarify, I'd be grateful.

"It's... it's not that... I lost my hat. I lost my hat, lost my home, lost my people. I can't even keep darn varmints out of my pumpkin patch. I tried. I really, really tried. I just... I thought that if I shut everything out and just focused on work, it would all be okay, but look where that landed me. All I managed to do was push everyone away. I pushed you away. I'm sorry, Marceline. I've been a real dinger to you." Such vulnerability here. I lost my hat. ? Today my hate spilled onto my loved ones. I cried in a similar way to Bonnie here in my mom's arms because I was sorry. It's so dumb what I got heated about... it was LITERALLY over spilled milk... Yeah, long story short I spilled milk in the fridge and got mad at my mom that she's keeping a ton of bottles in the fridge and the milk carton has to lie horizontally and the argument started... The truth was I just wanted to fight. I feel pressure from so many sides (desires have come back, demanding college projects, sister has important exams and I want her to do well, etc.) and also there's this fucking hatred for God. FUCK. I HATE EVERYTHING!!!!! I relate so much to Bonnie's crying here. It's so human. ? Especially the hat part because it shows how a little thing breaks you when it all just gets too much. And then everything spills out. Yes, Adventure time is my comfort series. Marceline, is it just you and me in the wreckage of the world? That must be so confusing for a little girl And I know you're going to need me here with you But I'm losing myself, and I'm afraid you're gonna lose me too This magic keeps me alive, but it's making me crazy And I need to save you, but who's going to save me? Please forgive me for whatever I do When I don't remember you Poor Simon. The guy couldn't catch a break. I wonder what would be my heart's deepest desire. Probably some devilish thing - that's the only shit I know. I wish I could really redeem myself. With absolutely nothing to gain, only for its own sake. But I'm just too fucking dense for that. I wish "I" didn't want anything. Even THAT. Both the desire to "stay" and the desire to "escape" are resistance. Probably some intelligent leap would have to happen to transcend all these but it's not one I'd be capable of. To hell with all of this, man. I don't know what to do anymore. Previously I'd find pleasure in self-destruction and indulgence in toxic habits but seriously, why the fuck would I do that again. I am not the enemy, he is. But I can't do anything about him... UGHHHHHHHHHH... I know I'm rambling. But I'm running out of options. There's nothing left for me but hatred and moronic resistance which won't benefit me in the slightest, but what else do I do? Give in to this bastard? I mean theoretically I can see how that would be nice but I'd have to give up that which I'd rather keep with me. I just don't know anymore. If I could destroy the world, I would. If I could annihilate experience forever and block anything from "emerging", I would. If I could do anything to spite and hurt fucking reality itself, I would.

Dude. Be careful for God's sake! Sorry but your posts in the last days haven't felt stable. Really consult your intution whether doing 20mg of 5-MeO now feels right. It's not a race. Remember it is okay to slow down and take breaks. Please don't hurt yourself!

How do You eat an elephant? ... My point is You accept by doing it over and over again. One situation at a time.

Yesterday I reached profound levels of hatred, rage and disgust for God. It's never been so clear to me that I am the devil. I am utterly powerless against God, I have nothing on him. I can only hate him and turn my back on him, which feels idiotic to do... but I'm still doing it. Hahaha. What's most funny to me is that I've never felt so integrated. Nothing unites like a common enemy! HAHAHAHA. I hate God with all "my being"! And I've never loved myself as much. <3 See, love and hate are two sides of the same coin. Potential for hatred is automatically created when You start loving something. Don't kid yourself You are above hatred. Wait until You lose that which You love most. You will curse the world and hate it all your "might". The same with fear. Even though You don't normally fear death doesn't mean there isn't a great deal of fear in You. You are not above hatred. You are not above fear of death. If You think You aren't scared of death, You haven't confronted it enough. That's my opinion. Death is not just "you" dying. Death is taking everything with "you". You might be okay with you going away, but what about leaving your dearest one? What about never experiencing the joys of this world again? What about losing all of your memories and everything here being utterly forgotten forever, like it never mattered? (Which it hasn't) Fear is always going to keep You here with some excuse unless You act swiftly on an impulse - which isn't very wise, in my view. Anyway! Until You love, You will also hate. The two sides of the coin cannot be separated. Of course there is a solution to this "conundrum", but it requires a sacrifice I am not yet willing to make. Shit. I'm feeling the hatred again. I hate him so fucking much... Ehh, swearing in my native language feels much better. But just thinking about submitting to him fills me with rage haha. Really though worst of all is I can't do shit to him. I'm not gonna hurt myself because why would I? He wouldn't care anyway and I wanna be here as long as I can. Even if I committed some atrocious crimes he would still love it. I'm so fucking powerless and it enrages me even more. I can't do nothing but hate, hate, hate this rotten bastard. No point in breaking apart my life... In getting back to my addictions... FUCK. What could I do to him that wouldn't hurt me? I fear the answer really is nothing and I don't know what to do about that... Maybe I could hate him for all my life but would that even result in a good life for me? What the hell is the point. Ughhhh. I don't know. It's like I'm the polar opposite of him. He has all the power and I have none. I wish I could destroy him. ... But even my fucking body is him! I am made of this motherfucker! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I fucking hate this... It's not fair. It's bizarre and interesting how it works tho.

I hid all the drama posts because they were derailing the thread. You wanted them to stay up because You wanted the guy to be "exposed", as You said. You wanted me to punish him more. Well, guess what - it's not your decision to make because YOU are clearly biased here. You wanted revenge. I wanted to clean the thread up and to resolve this situation through DMs. A post like "Mods fuck you. come here I will beat the shit out of you @Sincerity" will get You restricted. And calling another Mod's decision "the most idiotic thing You've ever seen" too. I texted You first, telling You to "Please don't tell people that a view is not welcome here and to gtfo. Even if it's a joke." But You couldn't acknowledge it. Yes, of course the other guy's comments were more harmful. But it doesn't matter - I messaged You about what YOU said. And I wasn't comparing or equalizing your posts to his. That was your projection. Ultimately it's none of your business how another user is dealt with and You cannot demand a Moderator does what You want. You can always PM Leo about a Mod decision but even then it's not your issue what happens to another user.

"God who already knows" is imagination. It's just You = God.

I removed derailing emotionally-charged posts from this thread.

An animal both doesn't have the concept of death and the concept of their flesh being shed apart. But I'd suggest that to fear anything is to fear death, fundamentally. Certainly not. Contemplate it deeper. Consider that these portrayals in society had to come from somewhere. Hahaha! It is not at all discovered easily that death is a belief. It is an amazing and uncommon feat to be conscious of your eternity IN DIRECT EXPERIENCE. It requires profound awakening and intelligence. You think it's easy because You're approaching it from a level of theory. You do not experientially realize You are eternal.

Death is not just cultural brainwashing. It's predominantly fear. Consider that an animal fears death too. An animal isn't brainwashed. You'd be scared of death even if You didn't have a concept of it in your mind. Fear is an infinitely intelligent mechanism which is there for great reason. Technically there isn't anything to fear, but fear still happens and no amount of logic or grasping the significance of an insight will make You go around it. To conquer death is to conquer fear. And You do it by overcoming fear. And by awakening. But before You awaken there will be walls of fear blocking You so they need to be gone through first. I think the more fear You overcome, the more You are primed for awakening (it's one factor).

Forget-me-not. My second favourite flower. Right now I have pink cloves on my desk. They're lovely. Tulips are gorgeous too. My favourite flower. I'm not a fan of roses. I think they're overrated. Receiving flowers as a boy is okay. My family knows I love them and my sister bought me some on my last birthday. I was delighted. Two weeks ago I came back from a trip and a flower from my mom was awaiting on my desk. I hadn't gotten that nice of a surprise in a while. Often times I wish certain things were different about me. I wish I read more. I wish I was more productive and hard-working. I wish I looked different. I wish I was more consistent. But it's all okay in the end. And it's fine to feel down sometimes. Ultimately I like who I am... I think I am beautiful. ... Thank You for all of it.

Short introduction. Weird things have been happening to me in the last 2 weeks. My ability to see through my thoughts, fears and lies I've been telling myself has improved greatly. I had a deep sober awakening unlike ever before with self-inquiry/contemplation alone. My baseline state has changed. I've been contemplating and meditating for hours in the last days with AMAZING results and without much of effort. But the most interesting thing to me is how fear has been throwing itself at me. Since my consciousness has increased 2 weeks ago, fears regarding various things have been testing me non stop. Can I let go of this? Can I let go of that? Could I accept this scenario? Can I see through this fear/illusion? Would I have the strength to continue living if this thing happened? I've been overcoming so many fears by seeing them for what they are and new ones keep popping every time. It's like I'm screaming NOOOOOO YOU CAN'T LET GO, WHAT ABOUT THIS, WHAT ABOUT THAT? NOOOOOO YOU'RE GONNA DIE STOPPPPP!!!! It's funny actually, it's like a game of how much I can accept. I'll also add that besides just acceptance I've also been actually DOING certain things that previously were completely impossible and out of reach for me, which has been very thrilling and freeing, but also scary obviously So anyways today I sat down in a cafe for 2,5 hours and really contemplated what is fear, existentially. Below are my 60+ suggestions. Each of them looks at fear from a different angle, many are similar to each other. I propose You contemplate for yourself what fear is from scratch, or at least think deeply why I wrote the things I wrote. If You have any questions about any of them I can elaborate. Hope this is of some use to You. Fear is resistance. Fear is resistance to God/Truth. Fear is resistance to Myself. Fear is immaturity. Fear is foolishness. Fear is asleepness. Fear is confusion. Fear is attachment. Fear is finitude. Fear is rejection of God. Fear is unacceptance. Fear is duality. Fear is weakness. Fear is limitedness. Fear is falsehood. Fear is all talk and no bite. Fear is clinging. Fear is will to survive. Fear is illusion. Fear is evil. Fear is selfishness. Fear is egotism. Fear is defense of illusions. Fear is blockage. Fear is anguish. Fear is insanity. Fear is imbalance. Fear is roughness. Fear is nightmares. Fear is monsters under the bed. Fear is identity. Fear is fighting. Fear is fighting for control. Fear is fighting for stability. Fear is fighting for security. Fear is fighting for status quo. Fear is maintenance of boundaries. Fear is divison. Fear is lack of perspective. Fear is tension. Fear is contraction. Fear is uneasyness. Fear is difficulty. Fear is pressure. Fear is perturbation. Fear is agitation. Fear is disturbance. Fear is repression. Fear is not understanding. Fear is seeing "danger". Fear is appearances. Fear is imagination. Fear is bias/preference. Fear is fantasy. Fear is images of the past/future. Fear is mental projections. Fear is backlash. Fear is stubbornness. Fear is slavery. Fear is suffering. Fear is the devil. Fear is "me". Some crucial insights to understand the stuff above are that A) You cannot die because You are God, B) There is nothing "real" behind fear, again You literally cannot die and C) If You had absolutely no fear, You'd be completely One as God. Fear is what's holding You back, but why is it so? Why fear anything? Well, it's lack of perspective I guess. I created an additional list of things that are basically fear or stem from fear. This list may not be exhaustive because I mostly focused on the what is fear list, but it may still be useful, so here You go: Shame is fear. Hate is fear. Evil is fear. Distraction is fear. Getting lost in fantasies is fear. Indecisiveness is fear. Attachment is fear. Procrastination is fear. Tension is fear. Lashing out is fear. Fighting is fear. Holding grudges is fear. Avoidance is fear. Emotional blockage is fear. Unforgiveness is fear. Aggresiveness is fear. Violence is fear. Stagnation is fear. Stress is fear. Denial is fear. Addiction is fear. Numbing myself is fear. Clinging is fear. Nervousness is fear. Paranoia is fear. Lying is fear. Secrecy is fear. Hiding is fear. Concealing is fear. Dishonesty is fear. Insincerity is fear. Fakeness is fear. Not taking responsibility is fear. Limiting beliefs are fear. Inhibitions are fear. Craving is fear. And finally, the absolutely most important thing is to notice and observe fear in your DIRECT EXPERIENCE. Not just think about it intellectually. One great list You can make is answering the question "What do I do when I am scared?". This includes all your centers - physical, mental, emotional, and the sex center. Credits to Vernon Howard for this (May 2000 monthly lesson). Here is my personal list answering this question. I start to panic. I get tense. I get unconscious and get into flight mode. I distract myself with food/content. I talk fast, sometimes with voice trembling, repeating myself. I freeze and halt action for a while. I bite my lips, fingers nervously. I tap my feet or fingers anxiously. I walk endlessly. I walk faster than normal. I feel pressure from all sides, contracting. I beat around the bush, avoid the core issue. I try to get away from the problem. I procrastinate. I overthink, just think and think compulsively. I close off my body (hands crossed, etc.) So that's all. I invite You all to contemplate fear with me. Feel free to comment and share your own observations and insights. Peace!