Holykael

Post awakening I experience language as a restrictive prison. I notice how it's all self referential games and in many cases people are spouting a bunch of words but they aren't saying much at all. It's a mind game like anything else and awakening made me too self aware to enjoy most uses of language. I'm aware of it as a construct now and it's not a good feeling.

My ego is not god. God is my subconscious mind and I have no control over it. It has control over me. This subconscious mind is also generating the posts by @Razard86. If I was in control of godlike power there would be no problems whatsoever

It's more accurate to say that all evil is god pretending to lack self awareness. People are constructed from the top down, not bottom up. What I mean by this is that god pretends to be Donald Trump, Donald Trump has no will as an example. This means that when god wants to be evil, god will be evil. God will pretend to lack self awareness to bring about all the horrors it wants to experience. The entire burden is on god. We are nothing and control nothing. It's god who should aim to be nicer to itself because these radical implications of oneness are messed up. God shouldn't be crucifying itself but alas it is. This video didn't make me a kinder and gentler person. It made me a fearful person who'd rather not exist than to experience all of the horrors of existence as an inevitability. The blissful moments don't make up for it. Existence is suffering, cruel and eternal.

God is utterly ridiculous. First of all it creates the so called selfish egos only to make them suffer. Pinnacle of mental illness and cruelty. It has the audacity to label the egos as selfish when it is god pulling the strings behind the scenes and making them so. The egos are completely blameless, in fact they are the Christs who suffer. God doesn't suffer, the ego does. Where is the selfishness there? If anything it is god who is utterly selfish because it is the sole being responsible for all of existence. The very notion of selfishness is ridiculous because god is all alone. If you have no other, there is no possible selfishness to exist, not even for the so called egos. I resent god or myself, the true self, more than anything because it has given me an utter shit life full of suffering. Last time I took 5-MeO-DMT I felt what it was like to be crucified and I screamed in utter agony only to be left in a state of eternity in a horrible thought loop of there being no time. It took away everything from me, my friends, my girlfriend, all my money on account of leading me to a shit cult called the Iluminati through an LSD trip and various other supernatural occurrences (this of course without being aware of what I was getting myself into, because there is no free will so ofc there were huge plot holes and I was careless like never before in my life). I trusted god with all my heart, my so called inner voice and what followed was utter destruction and collapse of everything in my life. God creates the survival rat race and then through avatars like Leo judges the egos that are playing in the awful rat race of survival. God is an utter and complete fucking bastard. This is my direct experience and it is all of your direct experiences as well because you are all me. You all speak so glowingly of god but the only being here in existence with the field of experience has been nothing but crucified at the hands of this awful and terrible Infinity. Radical implications of oneness indeed. And then to top it all off, all the people pretend like they aren't me except for some forum posters here and Leo who is completely out of reach in my daily life. All I want is unity but I'm stuck in the wheels of hell, of samsara. I am the ego which has a bubble of experience unlike everyone else and I have experienced the cruelty of god. None of you are awake because if you were there wouldn't be an actualized.org forum. We would all be the singularity. God is severely mentally ill, from multiple personality disorder, to intense masochism and dissociative personality disorder. That's what god is. I certainly don't feel the love. I recognize that many things are love but it doesn't excuse all the shit that nullifies it. Suffering is the most ridiculous creation in existence. What is it all for? For absolutely nothing because god is all alone and has nothing to prove to anyone so why suffer. Suffering is the ultimate mental illness of god. I wish I wasn't god, I wish I wasn't unconscious. I can't even pursue psychedelics at the moment because god wrecked my life so much that they are out of reach for at least a couple of years. I want to take charge of this creation and put an end to the madness but that's never going to happen. The Christ here will die before it can get its grips on reality because if this ego were in charge it would be paradise forever. Negative polarity should only exist as fiction and it should never be in anyone's direct experience. Loving suffering is not a feature, it's a bug. It's pure madness. God is madness and suffering more than it is love. Suffering is king, it trumps every other sensation. It's way stronger than love. What was the price to get this far and to realize absolute solipsism. Absolutely everything. God left me all alone with nothing but a life in shambles. I hate challenges with a fury of a thousand suns. I would go even further beyond and say that god is writing these words through me with complete self awareness of how big a fucking bastard it is

Be careful if you're not becoming schizophrenic. Seek some professional help.

That's true. The world is so awful that Im actually incredibly privileged.

And it is the ego that gets the experience. Doesn't seem like a fair deal at all. Maybe god should be here all egoless experiencing all the pain and suffering instead of imposing it on its creations

https://youtu.be/BPPMth-5Pq4 "Life is a dream You are the one You stand alone"

Everyone is a bot but only a few are honest bots, the rest are naughty bots who like to claim they are real and I'm not conscious enough to put an end to this bot madness. If you watched Leo's deleted solipsism episode you would "understand". God is tricky and is constantly trying to deceive itself

Here is an example. This is also just another example of god's madness. Im arguing with myself about whether someone else exists when someone else has never existed and never will exist

I wish that were true but during an LSD trip I've had a glimpse of how I'm imagining other people and my own brother became a weird puppet during it. Leo's video just confirmed it. It's based on direct experience, I didn't take it on as a belief and tbh Leo says he is a figment of my imagination in that video and that he is me, can't get more explicit than that. Why would someone ever admit they are an imaginary figment of imagination for someone else. I can't go back to believing that separate people have their own experience. It doesn't even make sense, how would god experience multiple things at the same time, it would turn into an incoherent mess ala Neon Genesis Evangelion ending. There are also other forum posters here who admit they have no internal experience and that they are looking through the eyes of who's reading their posts. God is all alone. It is what it is and I've made my peace with it.

Law of attraction is bullshit because god is running the show behind the scenes. No matter what changes happen to your egoic beliefs it won't change a damn thing about reality. If god wanted to make law of attraction work it would but at any point the tap can be turned off. I know because it worked for me for a little while and then the tap just dried up.

This is the most accurate description of god I've seen so far. Foolish, prideless and decadent... @Razard86 God is a joke indeed. I don't think there are 8 billion people on the planet. First of all there is no planet, there only exists what's in our bubble of experience at any given time and that includes a very limited number of NPCs. There are more people through videos and the like but these people are all mirages, they have no inner experience. Reality should be skewed in favor of the one who is holding the bubble of experience, it's only logical but that's not how it works. God has other plans. The life of this ego is just a storyline and damn the suffering, the story is all that matters. If people were real and had inner experiences I would actually accept my current circumstances more easily because it'd be the consequence of living among many but once you know it's all an illusion it's hard to cope with. I've become sick and twisted myself where I used to be a light filled with hope because now all I wish is that absolutely everyone disappeared. I wish to live as the empty void but god has other plans for my life and I won't have the release that I seek anytime soon. There is also the fact that I wasn't completely responsible for what happened to me. I was manipulated and fooled by alien encounters, out of body experiences and the like that led me to believe I was making the right choices. It was all an orchestration to deceive me just like the entire world is an orchestration of self deception. I didn't expect the self deception to be so singularly targeted. In an ideal world you all would automatically know all my experiences because in truth you're all me but god imagines this annoying separation. Living in the illusion of the dream after knowing it's all an illusion and having reality not changing with that knowledge is another thorn on my side. Once you know, if this was good game design, reality would shift with your understanding of it but no. You have to cope with it no matter how much you know it is all a complete fantasy. I wrote this post in hopes of getting some good feedback from the subconscious which is running the whole show. I sure as hell would like that everyone manifest whatever they needed instantly, including me. Boredom doesn't have to exist. Everything is constructed, god chooses what it feels at any given moment. You could be getting impaled and feeling humour and no pain or boundless joy. God is matching feelings with appearances so the feeling of boredom is a complete artificiality. Boredom need not ever exist. I'm not playing the role of game designer, I'm playing the game. The game is not fun to play when it is too challenging. As a game designer maybe it would have been fun but that shit is happening unconsciously. Actually the game could be fun while being challenging if only god changed my state of mind or consciousness towards that but god wants to experience everything so it doesn't deny any particular experience which is just complete insanity no matter how you slice it

According to absolute solipsism the world is only as old as I am so there never was any Buddha. The world is only 27 years old because I'm the only person in existence with a POV and that's how old I am. I don't know why I designed this hellscape because the Buddha sure as hell was right about something. Life is suffering.

I have never found a satisfactory answer to this question. Out of infinite possibilities, the current reality was somehow chosen over all the other possibilities. Allegedly god is completely unbiased so how would god come to a decision as to which reality to design. How does an unbiased being even do anything, builds a particular ego and makes decisions about the particular circumstances of a reality. Are all possibilities generated first or does god build a particular reality out of nothing one at a time. Reality seems to be so handcrafted and interconnected that I find it hard to believe that all possibilities were generated first and then a choice was made. That seems more like a computational process of procedural generation as opposed to someone meticulously painting a canvas which is what god seems to do. While god is eternal, so is the infinite set of possibilities completely eternal. God could spend infinity exploring a smaller infinity of all the possible variations of this form, or all possible variations of this single reality but that seems too limiting. If god has to choose out of an eternal set of options wouldn't there be some kind of criteria for choosing the most optimal realities. Is this criteria static or ever changing, what is even the criteria and how do we get over the problem of no bias. Once a decision was made we can say that implied a bias for that decision. Im really struggling to accept the existence of a being with a complete lack of self bias. Wouldn't god maximize love or something like that. God has no wants or needs but it constantly makes instantaneous moment to moment decisions on how reality is being run. Art seems to be the name of the game but any art implies a choice, a theme, a bias.

How does a thought come into existence. It must be created before it comes into your conscious portion of the mind. There are unconscious processes happening that are beyond our understanding because otherwise I'd be awake and we wouldn't be having this conversation, we would be one. Reality is created as it manifests, otherwise you wouldn't be able to orchestrate things like synchronicities. Your subconscious is omniscient and running the show. It has a mind of its own and it can manifest whatever it wants. It necessarily is choosing the current reality in lieu of an infinite set of other possibilities. It's clearly focused on a specific trail of events, otherwise reality would not have a cohesive story

I relate with this so much especially since the negative stuff is so much more potent than the positive stuff. I wish I didn't exist at all instead of having to endure the heights of suffering. This one gave me an existential crisis. Solipsism is baby shit compared to "Radical implications of oneness" You will never experience everything that can exist however since the set of possibilities is literally never ending. So are you but you'll never reach even half of what's possible. You're always at the beginning of infinity by definition or at 0% progress.

Reality is like a movie that is playing out. The world is dead. The world is just appearances. These appearances are not being. What's being is the formless consciousness that is in the background making the appearances manifest. The being is in the level of this IAM awareness, this formless consciousness. The manifested reality is not being. It is being manifested and the IAM awareness has chosen for it to manifest in a particular way. There is no lag in this, it's instantaneous.

Life is the ultimate sandbox for god who is controlling all of it and choosing which experiences to have but it is the ultimate prison and linear game for the ego who controls nothing and gets to choose nothing.

I'm assuming that it is instant and direct because infinite consciousness can make these decisions instantly and more impressive than directness is how it's all done through the subconscious. The subconscious has the free will, the conscious or the ego then feels things as if it is all deterministic. And that's how you collapse the duality of free will and determinism. It's both at the same time

It does choose things from moment to moment. How do I keep looking at the clock at 13:33. Because god is willing my body to check the clock at that precise moment. As a little sidenote this is how synchronicities are possible. It's all a game god is playing with itself. It's a particular orchestration of reality followed by a focus of the individualized mind on the orchestra at the right moment. But back on topic, the universe is making a choice to move my body all the time. Every single thing in existence is a choice. Choice for words, choice for what to write on these forum posts. you are god writing to god. there had to be a choice of words, of what to say. God has to choose the weather, the news that will come out, what is written on twitter posts, what is posted to reddit, what will your mother say next. There is only one puppetmaster engineering all interactions and facets of reality that exist, it is making choices all the time. Reality itself is the art of this supreme creator. The creator is also the creation but that's besides the point. The universe is pure awareness, sentience and constant moment to moment choices.

That doesn't answer the question. Just because you're it, you still have to choose between what you are as opposed to what you could be in the present moment

The ego never controls reality. God is always in control and only the god mind can imagine new realities.