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About Akim

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  1. I’m kind of lost in the complexity of reality. Things are so strangely related, twisted, non obvious, it is shocking. In ordinary map of reality explored by billions of people, things are kind of known. It is great to have that as an option. But there are so many territories that can be explored. In some, thousands of people ventured and explored things, like serious pursuit of Christianity or Buddhism. Those are like relatively safe explored continents. But there are immeasurable number of other ways to map and construct reality. Some are fascinating and beg to be explored. But you don't know anything, there are many silly mistakes that you will make. Kind of like you are on a new planet that no one been before. You can't just work for someone and rent a room to read books and watch videos on the internet. You have to discover for yourself how to breeze on this planet, is it possible, is there ways to get or create food. This survival metaphor is really liked by psyche, there is something deep and fundamental about it, not just in a sense that I was formed that way by evolution. There are systems, systems that survive are systems that can guard themselves, explore to find opportunity, integrate and assimilate things. The job is to constantly renew your system, explore, try to understand things around you, look for useful information. What is more fundamental than that? May be understand that you are a part of a bigger system, like family, humanity, identify with it and work for its benefit. I want to be wiser and make better decisions. Why? I love making good decisions and making my world better in some way. Why? Some things are just better than others. Why? I don’t know, but I am not willing to drop that intuition based on my inability to articulate an answer.
  2. Great videos, thanks for posting, I think I should watch more Shinzen Young. Regarding sexuality I think in modern culture we pumper, feed and tease this beast way too much with masterfully engineered stimulation, tailored to all varieties of people. And the very ethics of modern western society is all about sexual liberation, expression, uniqueness and creativity. May be we need that after repressions and horrors that we had in earlier stricter societies where people also did not have birth control and ways to prevent diseases. If you discover the value of sexual abstinence this may seem very appealing, but too much change too fast destabilize the organism and freaks out the sexuality system that we grown so much. I think one should try to cope and integrate different aspects of his personality, I look at it as trying to survive and thrive in unknown environment kind of thing, where you try to explore, find food, heal your wounds, learn what works for you, experiment but cautiously and also building a strong infrastructure to fall back to. And if you needs help in a form of medication or professional, there is nothing wrong with that.
  3. Jordan B Peterson Actualized Yale Courses BAUS Chuang Yen Monastery Vsauce Big Think Jonathan Pageau PBS Space Time Science and Nonduality Fight Mediocrity Crash Course Sam Harris The Bible Project Culadasa MeaningofLive.tv Isaac Arthur The school of life Philosophy Overdose The Royal Institution Brian Johnson Talks at Google CSLewisDoodle Gary Weber
  4. Some more tricks that work for me. If I can't sleep in the middle of the night, I get up take some Valerian herb, eat food with a lot of proteins and fat, which I guest signals the organism that it got the necessary life job done for time and relaxes it, sit some time out of bed and go to bed but lay in the opposite direction, I guest it kind of switches the context or something, it usually helps.
  5. I don't know if my response is unique, but when I was in the manic stage they have rather small effect, but I get more rest and sleep through the night. At some point exhaustion, more healthy behavior and pills kick in and I go in the opposite direction. Then I don't actually need them, but have low energy and everything is negative instead of positive. Over time I learned not to escalate the situation, some tricks for what behavior calms me, like I mention with talking to people, doing something external, quitting self absorption, like forcing myself to pay attention to things. Also regular job or other commitments helps, kind of forces on you day regimen and healthy stress.
  6. I got into first manic and then depressive state. It was long and created a lot of suffering and delusional thoughts. At the peak I felt like I did cure my inner psychological problems finally, felt light, capable, ready to really take on the world. I can do this, that and that. I learn new things, experiment, quickly go from one thing to another. At nights I can't sleep because I am too excited because I feel very free and see tons of possibilities. But people start to notice that something is off and I feel that something is very wrong, I become exhausted. Some time later I finally restore my sleep with a lot of pills. And after some rest, and realization how delusional and unhealthy my state was, I got into depression, just can't stop negative emotions, they are excruciating. What triggered me was probably free time, experiments with spiritual techniques and romantic love. That girl started to avoid me, which did not help my emotional situation. I think free time, when you are alone if you don't ground yourself in something, like work or other responsibilities can act like a slow weak version of sensory deprivation and trigger brain to make up problems and a world not entangled enough in common human reality so to speak.
  7. @HII Well, I don't have clinical experience of curing people of anxiety, but may be you can still expose yourself to things that you are afraid of. There should be some. In that way you train your approach system to counteract avoidance system and beliefs that you are incapable of dealing with complex situations and should retreat. If pray/panic/avoidance system can just go off for some reason that we could not determine, we can still train its opposite, approach system, self esteem, bravery, which should probably help. Also as an idea, you sit and think what you are afraid of and write down answers. It is kind of approach in itself, you are not running away from yourself but do investigation, ready to face your fears at least in your head.
  8. Here is advice from Jordan Peterson about anxiety. Lay out what you anxious about, in detail, decompose it into small problems, do safe gradual exposure. As a result you get braver "there is something in me that responds to taking that on as a voluntary challenge and grows and thrives as a consequence ... the people who pick up the stressor voluntarily use a whole different psychophysiological system, system of approach and challenge" which is basically way better on you emotionally than avoidance system and in the process you grow self esteem, learn that you are stronger than you thought.
  9. Hey, I don't know you, so sorry if I am wrong. May be I am too cautious, but things can spiral into bad direction based on my personal experience, so here is my suggestion. Guard your sleep cycles, use medications if you must. If you can't sleep it signals dis-regulation in hormonal / neurotransmitter systems, too much excitement / dopamine or something like it. To restore just force quit any exciting stimulation, not just porn, which is especially bad at releasing dopamine, but other stimulation as well. Instead try to find something that calms and engages you, go out, talk to people. Go to a park, talk with friends, relatives or someone about something boring, draw, do something crafty, clean your room or something like it. May be calm video game, but I am not sure about it. Or solve some tangible problem of yours. I would also suggest quit meditation for a while and reorient yourself to the outer world instead of yourself. Again, may be I am wrong, judge what is most solid and sober thing to do for yourself.
  10. There are two ways to grow, doing things based on what is told to you and experimenting yourself. They are both valuable, with only first you easily get stuck in things that don’t work for you, with second you just don’t know what is possible and your dogmas and low consciousness desires greatly limit you. Here is meditation example. Most instructions just don’t work for me, I don’t have the discipline and focus needed. I struggled a lot of time until I decided to experiment and find ways of meditation that work for me. Guided meditation like Headspace, it constantly reminds me to return to meditation after I get distracted on the second second. Gradually this instruction gets internalized, or so I hope. 1 min meditation with the bell sound every 10-20 seconds. Just right for my current concentration powers, years of video games and internet take their toll. Not really meditation, but contemplation. Read or watch some complex information like Leo or Peterson video, classical literature, Buddhist suttas, Wikipedia articles, philosophy. If you don’t really understand what is said, even better, you mind will get more engaged trying to crack it. It puts mind out of usual stupid loop into more sophisticated thinking. Then relax and do nothing, like sit in a chair or lie in bed. Interesting, insightful thoughts usually occur.
  11. I find it useful to deconstruct concepts when you experience strong negative emotions. You have the motivation and can see results immediately. For example, after some problem at work I may feel bad and think how horrible life is. So I dig deeper and try to understand how this problem triggers negative thoughts like "People will think bad about me" or "Reality is unpredictable and I don't know what to do with it". I investigate what this actually means to me. What I usually find is a complex interrelated system of ideas, evaluations, emotions and so on. A computer analogy would be you playing an open source video game and getting repeatedly hit by a sword, each hit make you lose real world money. You can't stop playing that game for whatever reason but you can tweak the game. You study the game code, how all the game mechanics, your game avatar and enemy are programmed. After some time you are able to change the code so hitting doesn't not occur anymore or it doesn't lose you anything. In the process you learn programming.
  12. I'll start this journal with things that are important bits of wisdom I discovered for myself. Examine and investigate deeper what you really want to do and really don’t want to do. It is like your subconscious is coloring things as more import, so that you pay attention to them. Deliberate, don’t choose too fast. Also along with previous rules, really contemplate what you really want and what will be your best decision. Desire is your main fuel or may be even the only fuel, so learn your desires, integrate them, have meta desires about changing desires, but not just what you should desire, try to find authentic desires about changing desires. As a counterpoint to desires, limit yourself, develop disciple. Otherwise you growth will be greatly determined by external problems that you have to solve, kind of involuntary growth. It is best to limit yourself voluntarily. Golden rule, being kind and forgiving is like cheating. I don’t know how it works, karma, magic, self deception into reinterpreting things as positive, in any way it just works wonders in life. Second guess your thoughts, think how they may be false. Argue with yourself in your head, but not in a negative, self-depreciating way. Integrate everything, especially inside yourself. This is what inner peace means, settling inner conflicts. Take time to do nothing external and just slowly integrate yourself.
  13. I think personal relationship can have its place. Like for example I am writing that as if talking to a separate entity, but there is probably no ultimate separation between us, though for me it is just logical conclusion not real understanding. As Jordan Peterson said, humans are the most complex things we interact with, we evolved mostly to do that so to use that machinery to relate to a being as a whole makes a lot of sense.
  14. @Joseph Maynor I checked your journal, wow, so much great content. You also mention Sabbath, which is an example of great things you can find in traditional religions. Regarding theism what do you mean by it? A type of religious system like Judaism, Christianity, and Islam ? Some weak claim like "there are beings which are higher order and incomprehensibly, for humans, more advanced that humans"? Some strong claim like "world is governed by all powerful, all loving, all knowing God. Everything that you think is bad for you is actually for your betterment in the long run" ? Or something else?
  15. Jordan Peterson is great, I highly recommend him too. Also maps of meaning course. I think the problem is that everything is metaphorical. Modern western rational, so to speak, understanding of the world is sipping into religion too and destroying it. Some priests try to explain Bible stories in modern scientific terms, trying to find contradictions and errors in science as a prove that religious stories are literally correct in modern understanding of the world. But that modern understanding with metaphors such as mater, energy, gravity, fields, space, time are a bunch of stories themselves and often different branches of physics have different somewhat contradicting stories. Scientific stories are deadly powerful when interacting with the world if you know what story to use when, Euclid geometry, classical mechanics or thermodynamics. Similarly religious stories can be very powerful to live a better life, but you have to know how to apply them. It is not just word games, if a person sincerely tries to live by religious stories, then his world changes, and changes can be so great that any rational arguments, mathematical scribblings and carbon dating of the earth will mean nothing to convince a person who experienced such life transformation.