Oso

It happened about two and a half weeks ago. I came home from college to visit family, and one night, deep in research about my future, a very unpleasent wave washed over me. My first ever panic / anxiety attack. That wave continued lesser and lesser for the rest of that night. My nervous system had just broke down. It was profoundly scary and unnerving. I didn't want to wake family so I was texting with AI that night, the source which helped me figure out what was going on. Waves of panic, tight chest and harder breathing, genuine fear and dread, feelings of being alone, hypersensitivity emotions, etc... Well, it has been two and a half-ish weeks since. Just two nights ago I re-triggered a small episode by digging into research on myself and stuff. It wasn't as bad as the first one, but it still took me a while to fall asleep and I'm still dealing with very strong emotions, sadness right now, and very vulnerable / sensitive. It seems triggering it easy, and what triggered it was a similar event to the first. Existing deeply in my head and hitting a point of overwhelm where my system had to step in. I should mention that I quit school because of the first event. It was clear that such a school was not for me. I was already planning on it, but instead this experience forced it. Life also opened up a new path for me to follow the night of the event, but it still doesn't feel like sunshine and rainbows. It is so hard moving foward. I'm forced to sit with the healing. It is like an injury I can't rush, and something that I can easily "re-injure" if I push too hard or trigger it. I feel like I should be better by now. I've never had one of this panic attacks before. I feel like my consciousness and spiritual studies would have prevented something like this from happening. I was wrong. Now I feel like my whole life is doomed. It probably isn't, but it feels that way, overwhelmingly sometimes, and it is really hard and scary to sit with. How long does such a healing last? I can't sit and ignore it so I find it very rough. Tonight a deep sadness provoked me to write thisit wasn't even depressive, just a deep sad and alone feeling. Other times I can feel disoriented or genuienly scared on a level I've never felt before. Even though I'm around family and have their support, it can still feel so hard and sad. Is this normal? I feel like the whole notion of who I am broke that night. Not like an ego death, but also kinda like it. I don't know. It's like some sort of illusion just all fell apart. It's just really hard. It makes me feel like a lost and scared child and I just want to be held and guided. Supported. I want to feel like it's going to be okay. I wish my feelings weren't so strong and overwhelming. Any advice would be appreciated, though I'm not necessarily seeking it. Instead I think I'm just seeking company and people to talk with. People who have been through such things or have wisdom and experience. I don't want to dig into the wound and make it worse. I'm looking for help healing. Reaching out. Not in some I'm gonna hurt myself way. No. Just that I need people.

@Judy2 The things I am afraid of are very clearly naturally. The fear of missing out, especially with loved ones and the things I want to do. The fear of death and the natural end of things. I hate that. The fear of pain, suffering, mental, physical. This event is part of that. The fear of not living a content life. The fear of not figuring out what to do with my life. The strongest fear right now is that I will never return back to "normal," that I'll always be dealing with this state. It feels like my whole self broke. Does that make any sense? It is so profoundly scary. Perhaps the emotions and such were building under the covers. It seems I don't really properly know how to address them until they break. I have considered getting counseling and therapy, yes. I'm 21 years old right now. I'm a male. I don't know why that is relevant but I feel it is. I've tried therapy before when I was younger and didn't have much "wrong" with me, and it didn't do much, so I stopped it. But right now, and as I let this heal a little longer, I feel it would be a smart thing to do so. It feels the MOST scary alone. I cannot imagine what I would do without people and support. Gosh, it makes me feel like a little child. I don't really consume caffeine, but I will keep that in mind. From what you said, and what I've experienced, I think physical grounding works well for me. The night it first happened to me, I would step to out into the cold or touch the cold window for grounding. I really hate that feeling of being ungrounded. It feels so scary and makes me feel like a spec of nothing. However, I'll check out what you shared. Thank you for the words.

@Deziree It has been tapering off I would say. It is touchy, just like an actual wound. But it is healing, especially with sleep. It's weird how much it relates to a physical wound like a sprained wrist or something. If you're not careful it is easy to fuck it back up. It generally hurts more than usual, things are most sensitive there, etc... Except it's my whole system, emotions, thoughts, all of it. They are so much more stronger and I am so much more sensitive. I do think I will come to understand how to work and live with it. But man... the experience these past few weeks have been something I never thought could exist. It is SO scary and completely sucks. I never wish it would have happened, but it did.

@Hojo What you say isn't much hopeful. Not that it needs to be, but hearing awakening is the only thing that stopped makes my ego that much more scared. I've had much more powerful points of spiritual study and practice in my life. Leading up to this event, it was very little. I can understand that my system needs to be in tune with all of that. It is clear that I need such practices and grounding. But still. I wish to lead life in normal ways too. I want to be able to live in a state where I'm not haunted by these overwhelming feelings that are so new. It is such a potent thing. It really does feel like death sometimes. I see how you relate it to a spiritual slingshot, but I can't say I'm ready for that. Not one bit.

I'm 21. Back in my sophomore year of high school, I encountered my first experience of direct consciousness. Since then, years have passed. I have studied and practiced various spiritual traditions, methods, lineages, etc... It has been the case that in these studies I have become, to some extent, directly aware of that which is death. However, recently, death has come into my life in a completely unpredictable way. Even amidst my current spiritual drought in terms of study and practice, and my rather distasteful circumstances in life, death has made itself very known. ... First it would be that just as I were waking up, I would encounter, without effort, death head on. As in, death and I were staring directly at each other. This is a very shaking experience. It occurred randomly and has stuck almost every morning since. It is extremely profound and I have never experienced the utter mystery that is death so intimately. It is so close in fact, that, in the moment, my whole system feels frozen by sheer profundity and doom. I'm looking at the end of direct experience as I currently know it, and it is the scariest possible thing ever. However, even amidst this great fear, it is also comical. By this, I mean, the realization is so profound that it blows my human state completely out of the water, even if only for a second or two. Everything feels like a big play, and I'm just sat there with death, unknowing of what at all to do with the experience. It's like the human experience is some big joke. It has also began to pop up whenever it wants to in life. I could simply look at a tree or hear a certain song and then, there it is. Death. With it comes the experience of existential dread, horror, confusion, etc... This isn't fun. ... You see, death to me is perhaps the most fearful yet exciting thing I have directly tasted. Because it is the end of all experience as I know it, these realizations can bog down on my life, and cause to me freeze up in a state of deep dread and fear. This is entirely unproductive to all of my desires and aspirations. I do not want to die, but it is inevitable as a self, and this knowledge destroys me. I have no clue how to handle it. The weight of the experience is so heavy, unlike anything I have ever experienced before, and honestly, I would really like some help. So, I've come here to talk about it, preferably with those who have experienced such a thing and have found a way with it. What is going on here? How can I approach and live life regardless of this consistent death experience? Perhaps even integrating it? It doesn't seem to be going away. That is fine, but I can't have it continuously making me depressed and ruining my state, actions, and therefore life. How do I approach such a thing?

I have decided to write whatever is about to come out via pen and paper as my perfectionism has less of a grasp around my throat as in comparison to writing in a doc. There is a million places I could start. Perhaps first I should address you, the reader. I don’t know at the moment where this will end up but it is my desire to talk with you. I desire it deeply. Being able to reflect with another human is a great gift. Therefore, I genuinely invite you to respond and speak your mind to the content herein. I would like to hear what you have to say. I'm at such a point in life where that reflection is needed. - - - So, all of that precursory information for what? Well, I need to shine a light on myself and my current condition. I am 21 years old. The next thing that came up in my head was “I am sexually frustrated.” That is true. I am. I place a lot of value into the thought of an intimate partner, yet lack so much genuine experience. I’ve had a handful of various relationships with women, and have had far less sexual experience, something I both crave more and feel starved of the older I have gotten. I don’t even know what to say about it. I’m experiencing the intuitive feeling that I have got this all wrong and mixed up. - - - I feel like I’m going crazy in so many ways. As I write this, I attempt to remain grounded in some form of calm sanity, yet it is tough. The more I dig, the closer I feel to breaking open a raging demon’s cage. Intense and overwhelming blank-mindedness floods my head, and I feel how I imagine a hollow from Dark Souls feels. It all feels rather fucky. From this point I don’t know where to go. On my chest is the weight of a million things that want to be said, but I can’t make out what any of them are. It is frustrating. I need to talk this out.

@samijiben Knowing what I really want? This is perhaps the most infuriating and crumbling question ever for me, right alongside "What is my absolute purpose?" and other such questions. Their presence and appearance has caused years of suffering and confusion in my still young life. With the combination of a very shaky ego and a bunch of unfinished spiritual work, asking such a question leaves me blank. When I ask it, all that is left is just awareness observing itself. Of course, that is great. But my ego is still strong in certain ways and is not satisfied. And as for its satisfaction? Well, there are simply certain things I feel I NEED to do and will do even if it just because I need the experience to be entirely content. It is a contradictory mix of dissatisfaction and contentment. Putting it into words really sucks and I will not do so further. But my point in this response? Perhaps I just want to inform you of how problematic such a question is to me currently. Instead of asking that and getting stuck in those god-awful mental ruts, surrendering my control and direction to that of the intuitive compass within my chest is what I have begun to do and what I will continue to do. It is the most true and raw thing I have come to know.

@Lyubov Thank you for this response. It goes deep and there is a lot to unpack here. To still respond and answer your questions without getting overwhelmed, I'm going to go through and discuss the points most powerful to me. Now that you mention it, this is indeed tied to an internal belief system I have. Whatever this belief system is or how it came to have structure, I cannot say exactly. However, it is present and does bring pain and suffering into my life, something I struggle with. Why do I believe this whole thing is a problem and what do I believe about myself? Well, right off the bat, I have such a raw and blunt desire for intimacy and sex. Technically, these desires shouldn't be hard to satiate, but for me, they are. Why? My values. I have had a handful of opportunities within the past year where I could have gotten sexual experience or have had developed an intimate and romantic situation with someone. Yet... when things were just about to come to fruition, it's like my inner intuitive gates, guided by my core morals and values, shut the whole thing down. Point in case, I can't cross myself for something I know is foolish and / or low value. It really tests my patience. - - - Perhaps that didn't address your question on belief and the problem. Let me say this. You're right, I do not currently feel good enough. The women who I am ACTUALLY attracted to, I always feel lesser. I never initiate conversation. I feel defeated the second I look at them. This mindset destroys me, but it feels so ingrained. A certain pie section of my value DOES feel affected by my sexual and intimate experience. Since I have been lacking for a while, it makes me feel less. My chest and shoulders feel hollow, my gaze is shy, and I feel both weak and brittle in body and spirit. It is not all the time that this is the case, but when it is, I feel as though a small breeze could blow me away. I don't know why this pattern remains in my life. Perhaps for egoic protection. - - - For your final questions? Well, I am familiar with all the answers. Inside, I know exactly what I need to do to actualize, even if it is foggy. In my life now, I am in the midst of this battle. The sword is in hand, but still... Why should I be coming here and speaking like this?

@samijiben Out of what you said, this point catches me most. I fluctuate between very deeply wanting things and then almost borderline not caring about them. I find this a consistent occurrence in my experience. I wish I could say I REALLY wanted _, but even with the answers that pop up, nothing ever stays in that position for me. It kinda pisses me off because I do wish that I just had one permanent pulling force in my life, something I REALLY wanted. Therefore, well... I don't think I can use such an inconsistent passion as a flame for pursuit. Better yet, I cannot rely on it. - - - @MarkKol Thank you for the thoughtful comment. However, there are two points where I have trouble relating. Firstly, acting like someone I'm not or putting on a facade doesn't sit well for me. I suck at lying and I suck at making things up. I'm kissed up against honesty all the time and that is also how I prefer to act in social settings. It allows me to be present in a state of authenticity which sells itself. If we're relating it to women, this attracts them more (the right ones) than me putting on a sneaky mask. Secondly, my environmental awareness. I've always been extremely aware of my surroundings. Like genuinely. This has manifested in good and bad ways, but it isn't something I can just turn off or redirect completely to one person unless I have been enamored and captured by the gaze of a goddess lol. My life experiences have taught me otherwise about embracing such an ignorance of what is happening around me. However, I do understand what you're saying, and, with the proper set and setting, I can very easily let my guard down and open up to the right people. It's a tricky thing for me is all.

@Raze Thank you for sharing those resources. I'll look into them and see what happens.

@RendHeaven Lol well I don't find this to be too big of a problem myself. I'm afraid to admit my own attractiveness despite what others say, so I won't admit to being ugly or attractive. It appears to be a relative thing from my experience. But what is stopping me? I mean, I'm moving, but it's just slow and I'm still working heavily on developing the proper self-discipline. It's just been a long process so far. I'm not stopped though.

@samijiben I'm actively working on it, but it is bleak and unforgiving, especially so as I work on breaking out of this scaredy-cat nature I developed growing up. My main focus is working on building myself into the being I want to be. I am ambitious and faulter a lot, but there is direction within my chest. My intuition is strong, I am listening to it and trying to act on it despite failure. I am showing up still.

@samijiben I understand the giving aspect. I have done it before, and it is a wonderful thing. However, if I approach it with the mindset of getting something out of it, I will fumble, and fumble hard. I'll want to avoid that to the best of my abilities as such a way of existence sucks. However, there are forms I want to give in and have simply been slacking on as of late. If I invest into these, things will naturally start to click as long as I'm consistent and stay tuned in. As for nothingness and your more advanced points, I'm aware and familiar of them, however, I'm at a stage where I don't feel like embracing them. Not yet. I was more spiritual when I was younger but neglected more egoic and human parts of myself that have needed to live. I face the consequences of that now, and seek to live, even in the face of my own ignorance so that I may be free of regret later.

@Leo Gura What exactly do you mean when you say I alone should be enough to sexually satisfy myself? I feel like in bodily pleasure, a genuine female partner is hard to beat. So, what exactly are you getting at there? And in what form? I know and am familiar with masturbation, but I also know of the existence of breathwork amongst other things which might be worth exploring. Besides that, I understand what you are saying about the work. A good journaling session or several with a focus on what work would be needed for my desires would likely yield a solid direction to begin walking in.

Hey everyone, I’ve reached a point in my life where the essence of my being, which has felt like a black hole for several years, has finally pulled me in close enough that I can no longer run or hide from it as an ego. I’m 21 now. For years, I’ve gone through eras of small, specific focuses or have just drifted along to whatever seemed like the best option. I have an associate's degree, a 200-hour yoga therapy certification, and have poured countless hours into researching so many different things. Yet, I feel like I’ve done nothing with any of it. It feels like I've dug a million random holes, and when I look at them, they feel hollow at their core. My first shift in consciousness happened in my sophomore year of high school while reading Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth.” I don’t remember the exact line, but I vividly remember the observer becoming present for the first time, an awareness witnessing it all. In that moment, the ego dissolved. My life changed completely. I was no longer "me." My ego became a shell, losing all its weight and substance. All that was left was selfless observation and the raw feeling of my Being. But that first awakening shot me into a spiritual arc that I would fall in and out of for years. The ego grew back quietly until it had taken over again. For a long time, there was no pure awareness, except for random split-second moments where that dissolution would overwhelm me and upset my egoic state. Just recently, the clouds parted again and the sun of awareness was exposed. This time, it feels different. It feels like a final reminder that my living has not been truthful, that I have been faithful only to the agenda of the ego and have suffered deeply because of it. This leads me to the real problem I'm facing now with my direction in life. I can’t put a nail on what it is I want to do because I don’t know which part of myself to listen to. I want to say my gut, my Being, because it emanates a direction like a compass. But the signal is so vague that trying to map it out practically just fries my mental state. I feel very unsure how to navigate this. So, I have a couple of core questions for anyone who has walked this path: 1. How do you practically learn to live from this deeper place? My Being feels like a compass, but I don't know how to read it. How do you learn to interpret this guidance for real-world decisions (like career) without the mind getting fried? 2. How do you distinguish a genuine impulse from your core/gut from a sneaky, rationalized desire of the ego? 3. Once this door to awareness opens, it feels like it can’t be closed. How do you pursue this deeper truth while still living a practical, functional human life? Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you have gone through a similar experience, I’d be very grateful if you shared your wisdom.

I've committed to a specific program that's hosted by a handful of colleges throughout the United States. I've narrowed it down to three schools of interest. One of them feels intuitively right to me, more so than the other two. However, the logical part of me urges caution, reminding me to consider all the other factors like quality of education, environment, experience, opportunities, and essentially, my future as a whole. I'm looking for some external wisdom to help me approach this decision with clarity. For those of you who have had to choose between multiple schools, or made any big, committed decision where you had to weigh intuition against logic, how did you go about it? What helped you make your choice? What worked, and what did not? Any perspectives are appreciated.

Though I haven't been able to successfully lucid dream yet, I have come back to it again and again due to this idea. On one hand, it appears to offer the ability to experience any sexual occasion in any way you'd like, or something along those lines. On the other hand, it seems to be an escape from genuine sexual experience and growth. There are sexual experiences I can't fulfill in waking life, but at the same time, one of the things I really want at my younger age is to explore sexuality and learn through direct sexual experience. In other words, I want to learn about and have great sex through actually doing it. I cannot tell if taking on these desires through lucid dreams, which I have still yet to have success with, is a desire spawned out of ignorance and fear, or a genuine medium to explore all the sexual fantasies I have. I'd appreciate any feedback or thoughts.

Lol yes I am a male. My mind tends to have more flamboyant fantasies in comparison with most people I know. Not sure why, but I am highly creative in various areas.

Those are valid points. But yes, I agree to what you said. That mindset is heavily dependent on fate and relying on fate alone seems rather dangerous and ignorant, at least for me. Instead, meeting someone through fate seems more fitting to be a cherry on top of actively living life and putting in the work towards whatever it is your want to do. For example, the self development. Whatever you work on has tangible results naturally. Depending on what you do, this can increase or decrease your chances towards something, in this case, a sexual partner, girlfriend, etc... So, I guess I'm kinda rambling there. But, main point I'm clarifying on is that by taking the actions things tend to fall in place in a weird but natural way. A lack of action, which I have especially experienced here, leads to self induced suffering amongst other things.

Yes, a little work. That what is seems like when I reflect on it. Even still, I haven't really gotten far in successfully meeting someone in this regard. I met a few people, but there usually ends up being some crux which breaks it before anything actually goes down. I understand this is healthy in it's own way, but it kinda sucks being impatient or lustful, even when I have had to cut it. Each comes with valuable lessons though. Seeing that I'm not actually hopeless kinda scares me. The self-development I have to undertake to be with the women I really want shakes me up pretty good and brings up defensive patterns. But I don't think I can die free of that growing regret and fear if I don't go for it.

That is a perfectly valid way, and yes masturbation can and does help, no doubt. Even so, I don't want to masturbate forever, and honestly I'd rather just let it go. But in it's place, albeit selfish, I would much rather prefer to have a sexual partner. Lucid dreaming appeared at such time and in such a way where it just feels like more attractive and advanced masturbation lol. It's attractive because there's not really any commitments to a real person, it can be with whomever, wherever, etc... But again, I'd prefer a consistent and genuine sexual partner/s in waking life. I'm just semi-confused on if I'm successfully walking towards that goal or not, hence I've been trying to lucid dream to fit this desire.

No, I would say I'm generally pretty open. Though, I do find my moral values are pretty high and have limited me in the past. It's a good thing for keeping me out of trouble but it's annoying when I'm in a more lusty state. However, I haven't had a ton of experience, so I can't be super sure about what I'm saying in this regard.

Lol you guys are funny. I say that because of a few reasons. Firstly is sexual fantasies with fictional characters. That is something which is simply not actionable in waking life. Or so it appears. Secondly is with people who'd likely be very hard or impossible to sexually engage with, like celebrities, people of history, etc... Honestly, just having sex with anyone of desire. That doesn't even seem like a wise or possible decision to go after in waking life.

Just last night I broke off a friendship which I deemed was no longer healthy for me anymore. However, I was a light to my friend in question and she is having a really hard time accepting my decision. I explained my reasons why I felt it needed to end it before ending it but she cannot seem to accept my POV. If anything, my POV is the worst case scenario for her, even though I feel it is the best. I just feel terrible about the pain I'm causing for her and for myself, having to cut this off and all. I want to respond to what she'd said and try to offer her clarity and understanding, but I already said I was ceasing contact with her and I don't want to go against my word. It is simply the pain I feel for causing her pain that makes me want to do something to ease the burden I have left on her life. I could not be the friend she needed nor did I want to. I made sure of this and spoke clearly about it. I could not continue dragging the relationship on in hopes for one day that I wouldn't feel burdened. I could not do that to her any longer so I had to break it off. This is my first time doing this to anyone and it's terribly hard and scary and I do not know what I should do now. I feel this situation is likely quite relative to both of our positions and is bound with misunderstanding. What should I do? Can I do? If anything... - TLDR: I ended a friendship I felt was unhealthy for me. My friend is struggling to accept this decision. I've explained my reasons and said I'm ceasing contact, but I feel guilty about the pain I've caused. I want to offer more clarity but don't want to go back on my word. This is my first time ending a friendship so abruptly like this, and I'm unsure how to handle the aftermath. Should I do anything more or maintain the no-contact decision?

@Basman How do I avoid getting bogged down with a particular choice? That is a trap I would like to be conscious enough ahead of time. Maybe just some foresight so I don't get comfortable and ignorant. For the most part, I'm only making commitments in my life that are related to whatever my future career might be. Until then, I feel I can't really commit to anything crazy like a serious relationship, a big financial burden, etc... Okay on the course. I'll be re-watching and reworking the values section soon alongside anything else that should strike some interest or importance.