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About patricknotstar

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  1. Thrice in my life before this fourth time I've had the opportunity to "awaken" . Now I could be wrong and experiencing something else but it goes something like this. I'm laying awake in my car, another time in my bed and there is a sudden rush of clarity. As if all the air has been sucked from the room or someone with poor vision putting on new glasses and everything coming to focus. I then start heading towards a metaphorical gate, a threshold so to speak . The closer I get the more my identity disssolves. When I reach the edge of no return, I know with absolute certainty if I "walk" through it that I will die. My body also begins to vibrate very fast as if I'm laying on 100 of those back massager things but there frequency is cranked 1000X. It feels very real and physical, not some subjective feeling but that I'm literally vibrating The closer I get the more my notion of reality as I understand it melts, notions such as "other humans around me are conscious" , "the space I'm in is located somewhere in a physical universe." This occurs under the influence of zero drugs, in fact I've never done psychedelics before and it occurs randomly. I don't know if what I'm experiencing is a glimpse at awakening or something else. Anyways then I get very scared and always back away and decide to go back to reality as I know it. My brain makes rationalizations like "I'd rather live knowing my family and gf is real and be happy than face having to know I am all alone" . Has anyone else experienced something similiar?
  2. I have extreme guilt over my grandpas death. This was two years ago. I feel guilty because towards the end of his life which I didn't expect btw as he was only in his 70's. I was going through a horrible depressive point in my life. I was waiting for a diagnosis for an illness I don't want to disclose that could've ended my life. For some reason I decided not to tell my grandpa as he was recovering from heart surgery and I didn't want to burden him further. HOWEVER the consequence was I became a very VERY bitter and depressive person. To everyone. I became so cold that for the last few months of his life I hardly talked to him. All I could think of was my diagnosis. I ignored him and he wondered why , this was even worse because he lived with us. After he died about 2 months later I received my diagnosis that I was in the clear, had it been otherwise I would've been facing a pretty high mortality rate. I felt a guilt and sadness I have never felt. Yes I cried when he died for a week straight. I loved my grandpa more than anyone can imagine. He was closer to me than my dad, when I was just a month old my parents left me to live with my grandparents so they could work full time. After that period my grandparents moved in with them. Essentially I lived with my grandparents longer than my parents my whole life. I will never forgive myself for how cold I was to him during those last months. If I had known I would've spent every moment possible next to him telling him how much I love and appreciate him. Instead I was a cold prick to everyone caught in my own situation. The worst part is. He wouldn't have known why as he didn't know what was going on, but how could I know he'd die before I could tell him! I will now spend the rest of my life thinking about what if in his last moments what he thought was why did his grandson stop loving him. I will never be able to explain to him what happened. It's been two years and I think about him everyday and the guilt never goes away. I need to know I will have the chance one day to tell him how sorry I am.
  3. Am i just too damn cheap. My girlfriend and I get along pretty well but one place our mindsets complelty diverge is how we view money. To me money is something that should be spent on bare necessities and everything you save should be put into assets, real estate, gold, stocks, bitcoin lol etc.. Ive always been great with my money, that is till I met my girlfriend a year ago... To her money is simply a tool to gain new experiences. She wants to travel, try new foods, go on excursions. Things I don't care about at all. I find myself spending more than I ever have. It's straining our relationship because I can't hind my frustration as i'm forced to spend money on things I couldn't care less about when I could be putting it to use on investments. Am I just cheap and living the wrong way, before I met her I never went out , I don't spend money on food , I never travelled, I'll wear my clothes down till there rags. But it makes me happy and saving has allowed me to have my own house and car. Everytime I try to approach her about viewing money differently she gets mad, one time I recommended she read the "Rich dad poor dad" book by robert kiyosaki and she got offended.
  4. from Dylan Klebolds diary "to be aware is not a trait, it's a godlike thing" "we are the nature of existence" There are also lots of diary entries where he refers to himself as God and talks about how when he dies he will go into formless love.
  5. My exact feelings, but articulated so eloquently. Thankyou
  6. After class I decided to take a nap in my car. Now I've never done any sort of psychedelic and the hardest drug I've done is light drinking occasionally. During my nap I had some regular dreams, then I woke up and was staring at the ceiling of my car. When my body began to vibrate , I mean physically vibrate. Everything was vibrating at a growing intensity it felt like I was going to break apart. Then my visual field went from the ceiling of my car into this white rotating fractal of intense light. The intensity was indescribable and I could allow myself to dive into it or watch it from afar. When I would bring myself closer the light and vibrations were so ridiculously intense I felt with 100% it was going to kill me if I went any closer. This rotating fractal orb seemed to be calling me to some truth, I guess enlightenment but it gave me a choice. Stay where I am or dive into it(approach the centre) I wanted to know the truth and as I would approach it I would feel myself "dissolving" then I would become afraid and eventually I decided I didn't want to and I would live my life the way it was. The most surprising thing was this wasn't a dream. I had woken up and while awake I was literally vibrating, I don't mean in some mental sense I mean physically. I don't know what to make of this, but it was interesting to know that in the moment where I was given the choice of letting go and finding the truth(not saying I would've found it this could've just been a hallucination, but at the time it felt absolutely real) or continuing to live my life with my current level of consciousness I chose the latter. Kind of disappointing given how I'm here trying to attain said enlightenement.
  7. When I was young before I knew of spirituality I came up with a thought expirement. It goes like this.. Suppose you're walking down the street and a man appears infront of you with a memory loss gun. (Like the one in men in black). If he shoots you with it you are transported back in time 5 minutes to wherever you were 5 minutes earlier. The only difference is you have a million dollars in your bank account and you won't know how it got there or remember the incident. The man explains this to you and asks "so do you want me to shoot you or not". If you say "No I don't want the money" you got about your day. I always answered no, Yeah that might seem stupid but the reason is. I always felt that the person 5 minutes ago isn't me. That once he shoots me I die and the person getting the money is someone else. Because there is a lack of continuity and to this day I still would always truly answer no, even though everyone says "well it's still you getting the money" it does not FEEL like it would be ME. Now when I tell most people I know this they say it's stupid and they'd take the money and don't believe my explanation but I ask you , your thoughts?
  8. One thing I found interesting about lucid dreaming is when I believe the dream is real, the dream controls me. When I realize i'm driving I control the dream and with my mind I can manifest anything I want into the dream sphere. This is odd because I don't see why our mind or reality would function like this an ordinary materialist sense. My intuition woukd tell me when i'm dreaming whether im lucid or not should not interfere with the dream yet from direct experience with lucid dreaming my whole life this isn't true. I can imagine whatever I like into being. I guess what im asking is when one awakens can they begin to control this reality in the same way a lucid dreamer can control there dream upon going lucid.
  9. If consciousness is infinite , is it possible for there to be a conscious reality where after you die you are in an eternal dark void but your senses continue and you are essentially trapped in your own mind for all of eternity. Why would this not be possible? I ask because I had a dream in which this became a reality , I was in pure nothingness for what seemed like hours with nothing but my own thoughts and it made me question, what if this is actually possible to be suspended in this hell like state for all of time with no way out. I ask , why is this not because I know through direct experience this is possible temporarily as I experienced this void where I was in nothingness but my thoughts continued, given time is relative then should it also be possible that consciousness could become stuck in this state eternally.
  10. I've never had a gf before so I'm only used to dealing with my guy friends and what always confuses me is how she can go from happy and loving to extremly upset and nagging me over very small things to sometimes nothing. This confuses me and I don't know to react because normally someone's only upset at me if I do something wrong and there magnitude of reaction matches the magnitude of my mistake but when I have someone screaming at me then burst into tears because I turned my phone the other way when she stared at my screen(I somewhat understand this one) or something very small like just about how I'm forgetful cause I don't remember something she said earlier, she will have a full on mental breakdown, I don't know how to react. Is she genuinely upset or is this some sort of test. I am kind of beta and will just apologize profusely and try to talk things out but this just makes her yell and insult me more , then just a few minutes later she will apologize profusely and try to smother me with affection. It keeps happening
  11. women don't find cocky men attractive , it's just that men with attractive high value traits are more likely to be cocky due to being more attractive to women to begin with, Causation vs correlation
  12. idk if i could find someone as hot, thats the problem
  13. Is this too far. I mean we are long distance but I trust her however this feels wrong even though she tells me there is nothing to worry about. Should I just end it or am I overthinking things, she is perfect in every way but this gets to me tbh
  14. A while ago I made a post about a girl I met abroad and how we started talking. Well eventually I started meeting her and we became exclusive and eventually it came time to meet her cousins and siblings. I completely botched the interaction , I got drunk and was extremely rude and acted stupid. She still talks to me , but i'm afraid this could be the end. I called her sister and apologized. What can I do to show her this isn't me, I really like her. Our relationship was going perfect we had already posted eachother on our instas to show everyone we were together and things were pretty serious, but my lack of social skills combined with a lot alcohol and I left a terrible impression on her family. Idk what I can do to remedy this especially given the distance as i'm back home now and she's long distance and I won't see her for another month when she flys to meet me.