Vercingetorix

I have a female friend. We've started to get close and meet more often. I start to fall for her. It's a bit complicated: * she's the best friend of my ex and in the past my ex was jealous about me and her being close. * she is in love with another guy that don't really return the favor. * In the past I confessed that I like her and she said she is not into me.. On the other side: we have very fun, open and deep conversations - It feels as if we can talk for hours. She initiate a lot of it and invite me to do things together We touch each other a lot and hug each other for long times some worrying signs: * Part of it is about her asking for favors helping her with stuff * I keep a secret - Most of the time I feel in the moment and flowing but sometimes when I think that I want to touch her intimately or kiss her or say how I feel I suppress it in the fear that she will reject me / End my hopes that there is a chance for more / I will lose her friendship * I start to notice needy thoughts and start to think about her more often and I kind of stopped to have the motivation for practicing pickup She feels special to me because it seems that it's very hard to find someone like her: she is quite spiritual and evolved , super kind and gentle, has a compassion evoking life story. and I find her vibe and energy attracting and resonating with me. Theoretically I'm happy to just be her friend. I love her even if she is not into me. But I see that practically it's hard for me to be myself and enjoy and feel free when there is this tension. maybe I need to find a way to express it in a non serious way, make fun of it? My Dilemma: should I "game" her, try to make her attracted to me? It feels a really needy and desperate thing to do. Should I tell her honestly what I feel for her? Should I not overthink it and just be spontaneous and in the moment If I feel that I want to hug her or touch her to tell her an ask if she wants it too? My fear is that she will say I don't feel any attraction for you and don't want anything more that friendly touch. It will be a bit hard for me to hear. And if she is really not into me does this relationship has a chance or is it doomed?

@flowboy Usually the memory that comes up on this subject is when I was like 11 and I liked a girl and I made a "move" (something like tried to be funny by stealing chips for another girl) to impress her but this move made the other girl go completely ape shit crazy and lose her shit on me and the girl I liked kind of said nothing but buy the way she looked at if, it felt as if she was supporting the other girl. So expressing my desire for me means I'm gonna get yelled at humiliated. About the anger and hurt: I'm not sure if we mean the same thing or not. letting go and focusing on love (and also Tonglen meditation) does breaks the needy and selfish conditioning in my experience. I agree that feeling the hurt/pain fully is important and I do it. But just thinking selfish needy thoughts is of no use. when you do it the energy goes to the mind and makes you distant from your feeling and body. Update on the situation: I feel that I unhooked from her and don't care too much if she likes me or not. I focus on other girls and enjoying my life. I feel free to tell her anything and it fells as if the power dynamics between us changed for now.

"Be the change you want to see in the world" - Open the most conscious business you can. see if it works. Remember that everything negative you see in the world is a reflection of something in yourself. think about the positive aspects of money, what it has enables us humans to do. I adopt through affirmations that money=love. when people pay you money, they give you theirs thanks, gratitude and ultimately their love! when you pay someone, he will use it to feed his child, go see a beautiful movie, pay his rent. is there anything more loving than giving people the freedom to use this love as they want? Are you sure your mind is not just using this excuse to avoid doing the hard labor and emotional pains of developing your business?

@flowboy It's true to an extent, there were moments I was hiding my attraction but all in all I do think I was honest al told her multiple times about my interest in her. she knows! yes! when I practice pick up I am always going direct these days. There are moments when I feel needy and at those moments If I imagine seeing her with the other guy or thinking about losing her it's painful and I do feel angry. but If I let go of the neediness, Focusing on my love for her as person, on Other girls, on trust - I find peace in myself. So is it hiding my anger and hurt? It feels more like the unhooking from an addiction of being needy.

Yes it's possible. the traits complete each other, not cancel each other. Then you have more freedom in any situation to behave the way you want. You have the freedom to adjust yourself to other people and what they need, to all different kind of situations. If a woman feel confidant around you - why won't she also appreciate deep intimacy for example. the feminine traits are a great bonus for if you have the masculine ones.

@flowboy I appreciate the advice. I have to reflect on it. I don't feel like "playing games" is the right approach for me. if just feels...wrong. If when I'm honest with her she doesn't appreciate it - maybe it's better that we won't be together. It makes me feel sick to start pretending and playing games. maybe that's my block? the nice guy symptom? Our last meeting was interesting - on the one hand she seems really happy to meet me, we were pretty drunk, had a lot of physical touch and had deep and intimate conversations. I felt confidant and free. On the other hand - She started to talk about another guy she talks with and that she is falling in love with him (it's a second guy beside the other one she was "in love" with), and a few times during the date she sent him pictures and stuff... I mentioned my feeling for her once and she said something like "don't do it, it's not mutual". Since then she send me a message of how I am but then asked for pictures and didn't reply or heard my voice messages and didn't answer the one time I called her yesterday. She is going through a lot of stuff right now so I'm holding my judgment of why she behaves this way and focus on other girls. logically speaking right now the odds don't seem to be in my favor but I'm interested in how things will unfold and the heartbreaking process is pretty fun.

@marinaaniram I am also going through a heartbreak so I can share my approach to it. Motivation: "keep breaking your heart until it opens" - Rumi I think falling in love is amazing - I see how it develops me spiritually - my compassion for people, my authenticity, my ability to be childlike without ego and defenses, focusing on what's really important - my happiness and bringing good to the world all rise up. But getting your heart broken is the true spiritual challenge, the true path to freedom . Can you keep loving the world when your heart gets broken? I find it's a fascinating challenge for me. I find that my love doesn't depend on if I am loved back. But of course it's super tricky - because the automatic reaction of the mind is to all day start visualizing all these negative scenarios of being rejected and if I'm not careful I can easily enter Into self pity. So my way to deal with it is: First: allow emotions to rise up and cry! cry! cry! this is the purification process that will allow you to become confidant, authentic, not afraid of rejection in your life because you accept and face the worst. "Sad music" helps me connect to my emotions and cry (I can share with you my playlist haha). Also, the sadness that I feel - I can feel the love behind it because truly - "Sadness is the shadow of love". so I embrace it and actually enjoys it. Second, guard yourself from self pity thoughts - no need to repress them of course but don't let them take control. don't indulge in them. When you notice them make a conscious effort to think about something productive. One good way for me is to think about other girls, to go out and meet other girls, etc. I find it supporting Third I contemplate about the girl/boy that broke my heart and about love: If I truly Love them don't I want the best for them? If the best for them is not with me - why will I not be happy for them? am I Selfish this way? why? (trying to understand myself, not judging). this contemplation often leads me to peace of the situation (at least until the next wave ). can I still love the person even if he/she doesn't love me back? I would also contemplate - Why do you feel stupid? Is blaming yourself spiritual? those are interesting reactions. good luck on the broken heart path haha

Is it a healthy defence mechanism for evolution to be attracted to the other sex so you can reproduce? A learnt and conditioned behavior from from society or my parents? is there delicious unconscious stuff hidden behind it to contemplate or is it just the way it is. what do you guys think?D id anyone contemplate it and derived some Juicy answers?

@flowboy @flowboy I met her again (we met late around midnight) - and at the beginning of the meeting I was a lot in my head and I felt awkward so I was uncomfortable so say anything sexual. later, I become more confidant and wanted to address the issue. I had a good opportunity because we talked about sex and attraction so I wanted to say "So for example when I look at your lips I feel that I want to kiss them do you not feel the same way for me?" but as I was about to say so she said she needs to go to the toilet and when she came back she said she is tired and she wants to go home (an hour and a half into the meeting) So I I thought it's a bad idea to open it up when she is tired, so I just said there is something I wanted to say but I'll keep it for next meeting.

@flowboy nice metaphor. Strangely, it did happen to me in the past that I fell in love with a girl I wasn't too much attracted to physically I agree that it's super unattractive to hide my desire and feelings from her. And I saw myself doing it with her to a degree. (hence I opened the topic) . I guess the only solution is to be willing to lose her friendship? I'm going to express my desire unapologetically otherwise I know I won't enjoy meeting her. If she doesn't feel the same it's still ok, Probably we will remain friends. I think I confuse expressing my desire unapologetically with neediness. I'm afraid to express it because I'm afraid I will be seen as needy? That's interesting. @RMQualtrough I like this plan It might work actually

@PepperBlossoms Yes I think I will share with her. I Think I will be really happy either way. It matter less what she respond but more that I feel free to share what's on my mind in the relationship. @Leo Gura When she told me she is not into me, It was in front my (at the time) girlfriend so I'm not 100% sure. Why can't attraction or romantic love be based on deep intimacy, care and vulnerability ? I think it's rare but still possible. I agree that It's not the way to create direct sexual attraction - but it can still stir a lot of emotions. Maybe my strategy is to make her fall in love me first, and that will lead automatically to physical attraction. Also I agree that I'm playing the nice guy card here but I enjoy it, I really like her as a person and a friend. @Sine Thanks I pretty much like my life as they are but I guess that Focusing and expanding my business and earning more money from it will make me more attractive. @Razard86 Probably Brother.

@SamC She is free. I didn't stop pursuing other women. At the same time I still enjoy seeing her and there is a chance something will develop out of it. @something_else I never stopped pursuing other women for her. Our meetings and connection rose spontaneously. I still continue. what happened in the last few days is that I started to "develop feelings" for her or saw that I start to become needy. Today I practiced some pick up and saw the abundance of girls and it helped me stop feeling that I need her. Now it's clear for me what to do. @Razard86 Mentally I agreed to let her go and I don't feel needy towards her anymore, which counter Intuitively will make me more attractive for her I guess, But most Importantly will allow me to feel free around her. @Average Investor Usually I'm direct about my intention. The relationship I have with her wasn't planned. Thanks Guys, I think I managed to get out of the rut and rediscover my own zest for life independent of her after a few days That I felt That I really need her in my life.

@Raze Thanks. I watched the first video and it's good. I'll watch the second.

@Oeaohoo Haha. Interesting. so the same mechanism that makes me attracted to feminine beauty makes me sexually repulsed towards masculinity? You mean like my homosexual shadow? @Chives99 And how do you uncondition it?

I would like to find books to read or hear for my recreative time that are also highly conscious. My favorite genre is fantasy and my favorite book series as I grew up was "The wheel of time". Recently i started listening again to the series and even thought I still enjoyed it a lot, I felt that it impacts my mentality in a negative way - it makes me feel various negative emotions compared to listening to high consciousness resources. I wonder if there are good fiction books that elevate you? and which

@lostingenosmaze Wheel of time is great fantasy book series. I enjoy it a lot. But still the way many characters behave, think, do - is pretty low consciousness behavior that I feel brings my consciousness "vibration" down. compared to listening to Leo or other inspiring videos/audios that lift it - I can see the emotion impact it has on me. @DocWatts Thanks. I've listened to A wizard of Earthsea. which book of her did you enjoy most?

I feel I'm too much connected to my feminine side that I lost touch with the male, the doer, the gambler, the one who takes actions, the one who fights. and as a result of that I can't find the partner i want -the feminine girl type that I'm attracted to to. I've read in the fast the way of the superior man And I'm gonna start reading it again now - but if you have any advice that helped with that please share. let's make me man again.

what do you think about this analysis? (Scott Ritter)

Did you develop enough awareness to catch these thoughts real time when they show up? If so what do you once you notice them? You can try to find the root childhood events (memories) that made you develop these thoughts and do therapy work on them - expressing and doing things that you wanted to do and say but couldn't as a child and giving the child what he needed in these events. With this technique you can really nip the mechanisms from the root.

If when you grow up you are fed with the right beliefs it's easy to adopt the right mindset for being a social rock star. and as you practice it as a child it's much faster than as an adult, you have no resistances. there is no other operation system you have to erase while building the new one

I have a wing that I like and we have good chemistry. Problem is that he is more cocky \ player \ selfish than me, so when we open sets together he kinda sets the frame and it makes me a bit uncomfortable because I'm more authentic \ friendly vibe which seems to me to be a weaker frame. Maybe the difference is that he is looking for sex and I'm looking for "love" \ girlfriend. On top of that, I still have my own issues relating to communicating in a group and it's challenging for me to take attention and talk about myself \ stories. I'm wondering if I should stick to my authentic guy frame and just divide the sets half and half, and ask him to support me in my frame in my sets. Or otherwise, in order to be successful, I have to adapt and learn the cocky/player mindset, even though it feels fake and stupid to me?

@Leo Gura Thanks, I take from your response that whenever I open a set I should immediately focus on the girl I like and talk to her. my automatic reaction is to talk without purpose and make sure everyone feels comfortable. @Lyubov Ah the Narcissist wingman that needs you for emotional support but doesn't give a shit about you - I met some like that. I have a client who a guy he thought was his best friend was like that with him, for something like 9 whole fucking years. It took him an Ayahuasca and therapy to understand his best friend is a piece of shit to him.

cool Idea. your way to process the anxiety is to just focus on it intensely until it passes? even if it's like an hour? For me, it didn't really work, only forcing myself to approach helped.

For many years I have tried to "cure" myself from the need for contact, validation, sharing, talking, and getting help from others. I saw it as a weakness. I thought that the loneliness I feel is an emotion that has to be felt and conquered, eliminated from the root. That to be truly free I need to feel happy just by myself with no one else. But it never really worked out for me. Although I think I developed my self-love a lot and I can be fairly happy by myself most of the time, loneliness was never really completely rooted away. I wasn't really happy the way I wanted. In recent times, I gave up on this way and decided to build a social circle, create friendships, and close connections, and to be honest I see that I'm much much happier and fulfilled this way. So my question is: from your experience, are we truly social animals? should I treat my need to talk, share, be listened to, interact and talk with people the same way I treat my need to eat and sleep? or maybe It's just an escape from feeling loneliness and other unpleasant emotions, and I should go deeper into these emotions until they fade into love?

@Terell Kirby today I feel pretty comfortable and I enjoy most social situations, but I think you are right that I suffered from social anxiety to a degree. and for sure for many years I resisted my needs, not in a healthy way.