Judy2

had some weird dreams tonight and woke up again for a few hours. then i went to the gym in the morning, but had to leave early because i had a headache. the afternoon wasn't great, but i did less paperwork than yesterday. it's not like there are any deadlines atm, so i'm not missing out on anything if i take a day off? anyway, this afternoon i randomly started doing my make-up, now i'm listening to music and dancing and suddenly in a much better mood. thank God:) i'm still a bit stressed because i feel as though i need to do a better job at structuring and organising my values list (and all the sub-goals i'd like to assign to each value, for overview and inspiration), my dream journal, etc. it's all a bit of a mess and i feel as though it's always difficult to keep up with all the stuff that's going on in my head. i've also been wanting to start a new list with activities that help me relax.... atm there are almost too many ideas, too much creativity, i can't follow up on it all? but i guess that's better than being depressed, although i'm also struggling with the fact that i can't do everything as perfectly as i'd expect myself to do.

yes, i've tried ifs before but never gone beyond identifying the conflicting parts.

do you think it's possible to fully understand why this is triggering? is it necessary to fully understand this if i want to heal?

i'm not sure. she basically says i always have her unconditional approval and i know by her actions that she's always just trying to be supportive. my parents always said i always have their approval and never pressured me about grades or anything, but then i still struggled a lot with very high expectations for myself at school, even though they basically told me to study less. i don't quite get how their saying "do less" resulted in my thinking i need to earn their approval...so idk if that's entirely it, or if it's something else.

(: i can see how growing up with autism must have been extra challenging at times. two weeks ago i visited a school for kids with special needs and there were a few autistic boys who were struggling a lot. sometimes the adults had a hard time knowing what was even wrong/what triggered their meltdowns. i almost cried along with one of them because i imagined their world must be so confusing and overwhelming.

i am not sure if this is it. it's not like it's the same phrase that upsets me every time. maybe sometimes it is, but not always.

thank you. this really resonates♡ have you also struggled with feeling misunderstood and with difficulties to emotionally self-regulate?

@Hojo i'm friendly around friends and strangers, and when i get along with my parents. and when we don't get along, i turn a bit cold. but this doesn't happen that much with other people, only with family.

okay. it's just weird because i think from my family's point of view sometimes i'm super unfriendly for no reason even though they didn't do anything wrong.

@Yimpa do you just completely avoid talking about emotional/charged topics then? or only bring them up after you have already figured them out on your own?

i don't think she has any bad intentions. i'm overreacting for no reason.

@Hojo she doesn't even say anything hurtful at all. she's supportive all the time. i only feel like she's hurting me because i'm a bit weird sometimes.

i don't know why, but this makes me sad. isn't it mean if i "abandon" her? i mean i'm kind of obligated to identify with my mother. it's cruel to say she has to identify with me forever and i don't. that's completely mean toward her. and it's kind of a sad thing to say about motherhood in general.

yes i thought of this too. it's a bit like i'm bought into the idea that she has a say over who i am, and i'm very attuned to all her subliminal messaging in this regard. and maybe it's been going on for such a long time that it's not even something i have to think through consciously, i just instantaneously sense the threat. do you mean cutting the cord metaphorically speaking in some visualisation exercise or do you mean i should go no contact (which i don't think is necessary/what either of us wants)? is there a way for us to keep having the same interactions without the emotional impact simply by me thinking of it differently (might not work?), or should i also change my behaviour (how?)?

i have been experiencing some subtle anxiety all day, and whatever actions i took to sort things out weren't really enjoyable or relaxing either. i feel like i'm in some sort of full-body cramp, unable to let go or relax...anxious, worried, panicked about what i need to do to make things okay again. i was gonna say that i should do my daily hour of simply trusting now, leaning back, and so on. now, while writing this, i'm not sure if i can. even though worrying isn't exactly efficient, either. i hate worrying. it's ruining my entire life. there's always a new thing to worry about, too. it's not like it ever ends. so i might as well relax, or at least give myself some formal permission to do so. relax tonight, and take action again tomorrow....but never forget to relax inbetween, because that's at least half the work? but i'm still so resistant to it. i'm not sure if i can do this. balance sounds nice in theory but i just can't, i'm not safe.

today, i woke up in the early morning hours, and when i went back to sleep, i had a lucid dream. the dream started a bit uncomfortable at a hair salon with some hair stylist who was a bit weird...eventually, we walked down an elaborately decorated staircase, and as i felt the discomfort, i knew that it was my mind constructing it, nothing externally imposed upon me, and so i was able to change the impressions. it didn't last for long, and i didn't really do anything crazy after that. i think i dived into the solid floor (because that was suddenly made possible, to break free from the physical constraints i'd discovered to be imposed by my mind alone) and ended up in a new environment while maintaining a subtle awareness that it was all imaginary and less physical and rigid than originally assumed...but that's about it. anyway, it reminded me of a similar dynamic that tends to occur when i'm about to fall asleep and images start popping up in my head. sometimes these images are associated with discomfort, something not working out the way it should, like a bottle breaking on the concrete....and then i'm close to feeling despair about that, but remember that it's just a thought, nothing physical has taken place, and so if i want to i can simply let go of that thought and create a new one where everything is whole and harmonious again. what a lovely realisation, somehow:) maybe i should see this in the waking dream more often, too.

maybe you can generate some original thoughts on this issue.

Love (in the universal, spiritual sense, but in its implication to everyday life) Consciousness/Awareness/Presence: defined as "being more aware of the Dream", seeing the structure rather than getting absorbed in the content; pausing more often to take a step back and see the bigger picture again. Wisdom and Truth: balance and equilibrium, but also clarity of opinion and action. might also include understanding and curiosity, if these are not separate points. including truth and integrity here as well....not sure if this point is too crowded then, but if i list truth separately, it's a bit too abstract and i don't know what it means for me. i like truth better than honesty and loyalty because these two seem a bit rigid and ideological, whereas wisdom and truth maintain a certain cognitive flexibility and agency. Emotional awareness and regulation: joyful embodiment (rather than judgement and self-rejection) Loving connection and intimacy Trust: in myself, the universe, others; also defined as loving detachment; sense of groundedness; image of being leaned back, relaxed, non-anxious, and just trusting that things will go well. Respect, kindness, empathy Holistic health: energy, vitality, fitness Beauty: loving appreciation for a thing's existence; tapping into my potential to enhance my own beauty and the beauty of my environments. my notion of beauty includes harmony, aesthetics, order, and cohesion. and i'm applying this to all senses, not just visual beauty or physical appearance. i wish to recognise and create beauty in many other areas as well....music, nature,... Creativity: not sure about this one...still a bit ambiguous. i don't commonly think of myself as the most creative person, but i can see the value in being creative in unique ways. @Leo Gura i'd love to see your list, too, if you're willing to share it

Values List Reflection before sharing my values list, i'd like to share some thoughts on it because there are still some points i'm not entirely clear on. excellence: i do resonate with this to some extent, but given that i've suffered a lot from disabling perfectionism throughout my life, it breaks my heart a little bit to tend toward not choosing this? it's probably quite negatively motivated, as in "i need to prove that i am good enough" - so maybe this shouldn't be on my list for now. in general, i've noticed a tendency to select all the values that are the opposite of what my mental illnesses have made me embody throughout the years. ... trust, connection, balance. emotional regulation lol. way to go for someone with bpd. balance: i haven't decided yet if this should be a separate value or a part of "wisdom" - in my mind, wisdom balances notions of balance and equilibrium while also allowing me to demonstrate clarity of opinion and action where necessary. harmony: same question - is this its own thing or can i include it with something else...i mostly thought of it because of the value of beauty. harmony may or may not be a subcategory of beauty. motherhood keeps popping up, but i'm not sure if this counts as a value. ...it's probably more of a goal than a value, and it fuses the embodiment of several of my values (emotional regulation, wisdom, trust, loving connection, holistic health,...)? love: really a confusing value because it's an aspect of so many other values that resonate with me: gratitude, social/relational connection, kindness and respect... but i tend toward having love as its own value as a more spiritual principle, and then again as beauty, kindness and respect, loving connection? gratitude: again, should i list this explicitly/not? truth: i don't know if i value truth that much because it's a bit abstract, but it's better than saying honesty or loyalty because it accounts for the edge cases where honesty might be a rigid principle rather than a helpful tool. but not sure if i need this, if i also have wisdom on the list...which should include all that? consciousness: again, very abstract, i don't even know what's really meant by this...BUT it should definitely be on the list... i just need to define it a bit further. creativity: really not sure if this is "me". i don't typically think of myself as creative. i do think it would make me happy though, to pay a bit more attention to this and find my own ways of being creative. it can even be through cooking, baking, decorating, fashion, make-up, ...so i do enjoy being creative, it's just a matter of finding my own unique ways of going about it. still not sure if it makes my top ten though. so my current draft looks a bit like this, but i might need to make some changes: Love Consciousness/Awareness/Presence: defined as "being more aware of the Dream", seeing the structure more rather than getting absorbed in the content; pausing more often to take a step back and see the bigger picture again. Truth and Integrity: a bit like loyalty and honesty, but broader Wisdom: balance and equilibrium, but also clarity of opinion and action, might also include understanding and curiosity, if these are not separate points Emotional awareness and regulation: joyful embodiment Loving connection and intimacy Respect and kindness Trust: in myself, the universe, others; also defined as loving detachment; sense of groundedness Holistic health: energy, vitality, fitness Harmony Beauty: loving appreciation of a thing's existence; tapping into my potential to enhance my own beauty and the beauty of my environments Gratitude: maybe a part of some of the above; can't say yet. Creativity

not really feeling great today. still stressed out. i'm trying to tell myself that it'll pass. i'm hesitant to let myself take a break because i know that in the past, not feeling well has led to endless breaks. i don't trust myself to go about this in a balanced way...to have a day off and get back to work tomorrow. but i'm guessing this is what's needed. (btw, trust and balance are on my values list...so i'm guessing this is a sign...ah...)

@Entrepreneur thank you for taking the time to articulate this. it's quite reassuring. i think in general there are a few more nuances to this and it might be a mix of human/okay needs and my overreacting in one way or another. idk. it's always a mix.

Hey there:) A few weeks ago, a video about the heroine's journey was flushed into my YouTube feed. It referenced a quote by Joseph Campbell in its introduction: “Women don’t need to make the journey. In the whole mythological tradition, the woman is there. All she has to do is realize that she’s the place that people are trying to get to.” Personally, I feel as though "the woman is there - period." is a bit scarce. Not saying this to make any sort of feminist statement. I'm mostly just seeing this in the context of my own life experience, because every time I have been too self-absorbed in my "ornamental" function as a woman, my subjectivity wasn't really in sync. Nonetheless, I feel as though the quote touches on some of the questions I have been having about how to reconcile the intersection between femininity vs. masculinity and more general notions of adulting, self-development, and maturing in life. Coming at this from the other angle, a friend recently told me that finding a life purpose would resolve many of my emotional issues. It is true that I am complacent and irresolute in life. I don’t feel very “autonomous,” I don’t want to start a business, become an entrepreneur, be self-employed, or anything like that. I’m not a huge "gambler" in life. I don’t want my life to be a constant hustle. I value security and thrive in environments where external structure is provided and I am given clear instructions as to what I should do. For example, I was doing well when I was still in school, I loved doing homework and that kind of stuff. And as a young adult, the most challenging aspect has been knowing what i should even do with myself. I wonder if it is okay to double down on this personality trait, rather than telling myself to get rid of it. Is it possible to build a more functional, mature, "adult" lifestyle around this need for containment? Is it possible to somehow reconcile the need for security and "being told what to do" with not just blindly mimicking the sociocultural status quo and being a people pleaser? If so, how? Not sure if this fully articulates my confusion, and I'm aware that I'm probably not asking the right group of people about this issue here. But I'd be curious to hear your thoughts anyway.

depends on how you go about it. unfortunately, i think many people start these careers with a good dose of idealism and it's the system (long hours, little time for individual patients, being required to prescribe meds to treat surface-level symptoms rather than curing underlying causes, and so on) that implicitly forces them to drop some of their good intentions. however, there are certainly those who manage to hold on to their idealism and treat patients well despite the flaws of the health-care system. are you working as a nurse or as a doctor? what more do you think you are capable of?

sometimes i feel really uncomfortable at my gym because whenever classes are being taught, the music is really loud and there's a very loud beep-tone every minute that causes major discomfort. aside from that, it's all good.

hm?