Judy2

this isn't at all how i wanted this to go, but out of all of my classes this term, my Portuguese lessons have me the most anxious. the fact that they're taught via Zoom for now doesn't change a thing about the amount of anxiety that i feel. i'm mostly scared of getting the pronunciation all wrong, and given that i am this anxious i do actually make a lot more mistakes by default. we're also a large group of students and i'm constantly comparing myself to everybody else. all of these factors combined actually accumulate in a quite uncomfortable experience where i can't really enjoy the lessons as much as i would have wanted to. i'm not sure if this is going to be different by the end of the term - we'll have to see. oh, and learning Spanish at the same time was obviously a stupid idea, but now it's too late to quit. on the bright side of things....i got my mark for the term paper i wrote in March and it's much better than expected. i kind of feel like i don't deserve such a good mark because i know the whole essay wasn't as coherent or academically sound as it should have been. or perhaps the standards i set for myself have become higher over the past few terms - which wouldn't be too bad because it means that i've learned something and i'm getting more sensitive to good quality writing.

God i really am that pathetic. sorry. for hiding my posts all the time.

i like this song:) i also watched the show (Ginny and Georgia) a few months ago and loved it. and then i might have seen Marcus in my dreams a few times, but don't tell anyone. i'm so stupid lol.

... i started to feel bad last night and now i'm stuck in bed and can't do anything because i'm miserable. EVERYTHING is wrong - me and my life, past, present, future, EVERYTHING. i'm not good enough. and apparently i don't deserve beauty, i don't deserve to experience good things in life. all i ever do is make a mess. i feel dirty and like a million showers couldn't wash the dirt off my skin, clean my pores. i feel like no diet could ever help me starve all the ugliness i have inside of myself. i would know, because i've tried. and this is painful. it hurts. because i want to be happy and i want to believe that i'm good and beautiful. can't i be good and beautiful? that's all i've ever wanted.

i feel tired and stressed and exhausted.

oftentimes i fail to appreciate this, and it's nice to remember: i love my mum. i tend to forget how crazy it is that i am a daughter, i have a mother, she's alive and she loves me. she tries to protect me in any way she can, even if it doesn't always feel like it. but i know that that's exactly what she's doing.

my final term has started and for the most part i'm actually quite enthusiastic. now that this chapter is coming to an end, all of a sudden i feel urged to appreciate and savour every last bit of the experience. it's good to be busy anyway. good to have some structure, some stability....suddenly it feels like i'm no longer as lost or unsteady. in the first few days back at uni there are always so many impressions going on. on the one hand it's good that i am being forced to go with the flow, on the other it's a lot to process. there are tons and tons of people on campus and this can feel quite strange. even though my social anxiety got triggered a lot and i compare myself (in terms of appearance and academic performance), i'm mostly left with this feeling that "i love people"... i don't know, they're all so diverse and unique in their looks and expressions....and that's kind of wonderful. still, i noticed that sometimes i have a hard time focussing on what teachers or peers say to me, because i'm so busy thinking and listening to my own thoughts. although i suppose i'm already doing better and can improve over time. i also bought a swimsuit and plan on going to the swimming pool at the sports centre. which is a big deal for me! i haven't done this in years. by now it sounds a bit more manageable and while i still dislike the way my body looks, i guess no one cares....or if they think i'm ugly at least they'll feel better about themselves.

sign language clips/videos asl https://youtube.com/shorts/NomBE_ZerPA?feature=share https://youtube.com/shorts/E95bbM62CLo?feature=share https://youtu.be/79N7Tn2fDjM https://youtu.be/LJepKdazPxk bsl https://youtu.be/Sgx2F2AbM_8 https://youtu.be/WvOJru-xmvo

i think it's not okay when men on here call women sluts and mean it. but maybe i only say that it's not okay because i fail to empathise with the male perspective, or whatever. i get that you like your girls virtuous and "pure", but perhaps we could empathise with the reasons for why some women end up behaving the way they behave before declaring them to be lost causes or universally unlovable. i had a similar feeling when i saw Leo repeatedly use the expression "shame on..." in his recent posts. maybe if i was more loving and conscious, i wouldn't even feel the need to point this out. however where i'm at i feel that my frustration should be expressed somehow. it is a valid reaction and i am sharing it from a place of positive vulnerability. i am not demanding change or anything of that sort, but am merely acknowledging "what is". but then i can't deny that it's also valid to think and feel that some women are sluts, i guess. it isn't that different from me being unable to stop calling myself ugly and evil. so the point is, it's all okay, it's okay that everybody's at where they're at, and right now i feel frustration?

sometimes it's only when i'm calm that i start to realise how exhausted and tired i am and then i don't know where it's coming from, but i can't help thinking wouldn't it be best if i left? wouldn't that be beautiful? maybe someone would cry for me. and that's selfish, but i still get this thought from time to time. i just thought i'd express this somehow. god i'm such a mess.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CYl1YBSAdxP/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

it's horrible when i start talking now, or when i start sobbing. i used to like the idea, but now i hate it. it feels like i'm just gonna ruin it all with all the ugliness i have inside of me. "keep your loving arms and words off of me i don't want them."

@Something Funny yeah, thanks. i'll figure it out somehow. it's just annoying when things aren't working the way they're supposed to work. i always have bad luck with my tablets and printers and everything.

@Something Funny it's a microsoft tablet and the keyboard can be attached to it at the bottom. i'll see if a friend can come over and fix it for me...

@Something Funny my tablet doesn't have a usb port...

..... i feel a little helpless because even though i was so lucky as to get my books back, my keyboard isn't working now (again). i have no idea how to fix this and the deadline is on friday. so right now i know i should be productive, but i can't do anything other than to pray for a miracle. i guess. and ask people for help. but i owe everyone a lot at this point and it makes me uncomfortable.

i said that i'd mostly keep my gratitude practice to myself, but right now i feel inspired to leave this here. i love my friends. i love how genuinely caring they are and that i also get to see how i genuinely care about them♡ sometimes they require me to put my personal troubles aside just so that i can be there to see and love them. and i guess in a way it surprises me that i am even capable of this. * - M was so kind as to pick up two books from the library for me (that i had to hide in there earlier today cause the nice lady at the reception wouldn't let me borrow them again right after returning them lol.) and i really do appreciate the favour. - i love how every time i see a child or a toddler, i smile, softly. also, i'm very grateful that in the past few days my body and self image has (occasionally) been more positive. there are a number of factors contributing to this, one of which is probably the simple fact that i switched my huge winter coat for a lighter jacket, such that my whole look feels more defined again. i love my hair. the 2 plaits are back and they feel very cute to me. feels like a right and cute 'me' that i can be, effortlessly so. and i also love wearing my hair down.

thank you:) i saw your post the other day where you suggested we can take a little note book and design it in a way that represents ourselves and serves as a positive reminder. i thought it was a lovely idea. i know:) i hope you two have a great day!

i feel agitated. also, we all know what to do when we have a paper deadine in five days.... deep clean the shower.

perhaps i have been contemplating a little too deeply in the past few days. my ego doesn't like that. (sometimes i wish i had like 20 iq points less, it seems to me like my life would be a whole lot easier in many regards.) at the same time, i literally can't help myself. right now i see again that i am kind of really cute and sweet and innocent. so i thought i should at least acknowledge that somehow. i'm always scared to love (myself) cause it might hurt too bad. so let's not call this love for now. and i can keep being scared if it helps.