Judy2

yes, i remember. i thought of that recently because there's a situation where i considered implementing your advice.

healthy bmi.

it's okay that i'm sad. maybe it's necessary.

i feel so sad now, and i don't even know why.

now i wanna cry....these pictures have so much to do with how i see myself, deep down, and i'm kind of sad that no one else ever saw me like that, or took care of me when i was going through that. i probably would have felt triggered af if someone had been there to talk to me during that time, but still. it kind of sucks knowing i'm the only one who saw me go through every minuscule detail of that experience, and bystanders didn't even know half the story. they saw how skinny i was with clothes on, but they never saw me naked and from every angle, the way i wanted them to, maybe. i took thousands of pictures during that time.

eventually, i got one random bruise in my face, i didn't know where from. and i remember having a nosebleed. and barely having the energy to get up to use the bathroom, or open doors.

now's the time of the year again when my photos app keeps showing me pictures from six years ago, when i was at my lowest weight. june and july were the lowest. i briefly look, then click away, but i still feel a desire to share these pictures with someone, cause that time was intense and i went through it all on my own.

a friend also tells me i have complex trauma. my parents wouldn't call it trauma but they know about mental health struggles. other friends also know. doesn't everybody have trauma,though? maybe i misunderstood your question.

that's confusing though, because we never really stop becoming. being is becoming. but it's still very easy to forget to be in the middle of it.

i'm working on it. i'd forgotten about it but it's true. always being busy/productive is tempting because i'm not enough yet, so at least i want to feel like i could become enough. maybe i should slow down a little and allow myself to be more.

yes of course:)

do you think trauma needs to be remembered to be cured? i have a somewhat opposite belief. some people confabulate elaborate traumatic stories only to maintain/justify their present dysfunctions. personally, i do get the appeal. in a sense, it would make things very easy to finally find out something bad happened when i was a toddler or whatever. but in the end, i'd only use that to justify why i "have to" be unwell now. maybe remembering can be helpful for some people, but i don't think healing hinges upon it.

i think the flipside is i can feel myself getting a little too delusional when i'm happy, and that feels wrong. i can be very naive and stupid. negative thoughts are hard to cope with, yes, but apparently, so are happy thoughts?

@Ziran yes i probably am but i don't remember any traumatic events. what does that have to do with the spontaneity question? it's not like i have ocd and clean all the time, i don't. it was just the first thing that came to mind. i do do spontaneous things. (:

that sounds good, though. still a little abstract, but i will keep that in mind and try to implement it. i will check out the video, too.

i think unfortunately the human mind quickly forgets about these things, and then it's back to groundhog day.

i spontaneously mopped the floor just now, if that counts:) yesterday, i participated in a sports event. the event itself was planned, but i would suppose within that context i still made a lot of spontaneous micro-decisions...all the way from riding in the car with strangers to crawling up muddy hills and sliding down into water. mopping the floor felt neutral to positive. participating in the event felt overwhelming, fun, but also stressful.

life is an open-ended story, though. shocker, i know.

@gettoefl thoughts are uncontrollable though, right? it's just that we think we control them, which is where all the trouble begins (?)

@Osaid i know that too much daydreaming can be dysfunctional, but would you say it's not something that needs to be avoided entirely? atm i sort of scold myself for it whenever i notice myself doing it.

(:

do you have any tips on how to strengthen this awareness? you said meditation, but many people (myself included) corrupt the meditative space by daydreaming, overthinking, etc. it's kind of what i do when i'm running and trying to think of the right thing to think about in that moment, and usually the best i can do is focus on positive future scenarios.... or maybe some interesting flowers that i see as i'm passing by. seeing and appreciating the flowers is the closest to being present that i can get, though it usually only happens in the absence of conscious effort.

@moonawakening444 but if i tell my brain to stop searching for happiness, it'll probably come up with something else that's more indirect and potentially even more misleading?

that's a good point:) thank you🙏