Judy2

i want it to be seen and acknowledged how much hard work i am doing right now. ouch.

i feel bad. because i am - and i certainly still feel - so inherently unstable, so what am i even doing here, trying to do things differently now. that's bad of me! i'm not supposed to be doing that, not allowed to be doing that... ...i'm supposed to be doing the dysfunctional stuff, supposed to be quiet and silent and meek, self-contained...small, tiny, starving myself, hurting myself, hating myself. i'm supposed to be doing all of those things. so what am i even doing here, doing all of the opposites? that's bad of me. that's evil. i shouldn't be doing that. i'm not allowed to be doing that. and given that the paradigm is that people can only change with therapy, it's twice as bad that i am now suddenly able to change even without someone telling me how, or someone supporting me throughout, or someone reassuring me that that's the right thing (cause that's whati would have needed cause it is fucking difficult). that's so bad of me....i shouldn't be doing this, it's so wrong of me. to be doing all the hard stuff and the next therapist will tell me how i only changed on my own because i wasn't properly sick enough and not struggling enough.... i'm in pain.

trying to change is so scary. maybe part of why i am feeling so upset right now is because i wish someone could see or acknowledge how hard i am trying right now? how much energy and emotional labour it takes to do things differently... because if they only see it later on they'll all be like "oh yeah that's because you weren't really sick, otherwise you wouldn't have managed so easily...so like, it didn't actually take any effort for you at all, it's just that you weren't sick enough and so you just accidentally slipped into a different mode because really it wasn't hard for you at all." ...i suppose i want someone to validate HOW MUCH effort, strength, faith, foresight, and emotional labour this is taking right now, and that it's not easy for me at all. i wish someone could validate it...or i suppose i am spelling it out so fervently as to make it seen and validated.

mood swings are intense today. i really am trying now. i wonder if anybody believes me on this. cause like, doctors would say that's impossible that i'm doing it all on my own, without proper therapy. so like i'm not even "supposed" to be managing well right now, i'm expected to fail and expected to be dysfunctional, and it's wrong of me that i am resisting - knowing how painful that is (resisting the dysfunctional coping strategies, i mean), i SHOULD feel guilty for trying so hard now...it's bad of me that i'm trying not to hate me anymore! ...and on and on...living in my head is really stressful. it's painful. it's painful to be so strong and to be dealing with everything all on my own now. i feel guilty for "managing so well" despite how painful it all is, when some would say i'm not even expected or supposed to be able to manage. so like why am i doing it, if it feels so wrong and it's so painful? ouch.

@Princess Arabia i'm very much aware of how much of a problem i am lol;)

@Princess Arabia ok:)

...thought about it and i think this one's crucial to remind myself of:)

trying to share this not to prompt pity or anything, but to express these thoughts and emotions without needing to believe them (and without needing to act on them by punishing myself). to acknowledge that these thoughts are there, but i know they've been there many times and i'm allowed to be smarter now than to fully buy into them. i don't need to buy into these thoughts. but oh GOD it's painful.

this is usually one of those points when all good intentions collapse because the triggers are so intense, the emotions are so painful...and i just turn back around and go back to my old habits. because this is uncomfortable, the world keeps on being messy and painful and full of contrast...so this can't be the time to change yet, i must wait, it's not right to try and do better now. in fact it's even wrong of me to try to do better, it's evil, i'm not supposed to be so free when the world still looks like this, when it is this ugly.... ...this is exhausting and i'm in a bit of pain. it's uncomfortable.

i don't know how to protect myself in functional ways. i'm really trying to figure that out, but it's really painful and i kinda feel really bad about myself.

it really hurts, knowing i am actively deciding against dysfunctional behaviours now, when all the painful stuff "out there" that makes me believe i still need these behaviours keeps happening. i feel so naked, so vulnerable. ouch, ouch, ouch!

...still a bit overwhelmed. i suppose i am oscillating between hopefulness because i am now willing to work on myself, and a sense of powerlessness because there are so many painful triggers "out there" in the world and the anxiety they create is extremely painful and something i will inevitably succumb to, independent of the attitude that i take. (guilt, trigger: "i still need my old habits to protect me here!!!! it is so wrong of me to try and change things!) ...so there's still a sense of uncertainty, i don't quite know where i'm at. i'm afraid that i'm working so hard to change myself, exposing myself, being vulnerable...only to be slapped right in the face by the very real triggers that i can't quite eliminate or protect myself from, no matter how hard i try. ...guess i can't protect myself from them independent of my strategies, but it still makes me swallow hard, knowing how hard i try to leave dysfunctional behaviours behind, when the triggers stay the same and keep existing regardless. OUCH! (especially thinking of my noisy neighbours right now...still so utterly painful, still cutting right through me...and noise is something i can't run away from, no matter where i go. but still: ouch!)

i'm feeling more anxious today than i have felt in the days prior. somehow i had hoped that i had transcended this...but apparently this high level of baseline anxiety is still a thing, despite any changes in my general attitude that i've been trying to make.

@Salvijus(:

Monday, 21st July 2025 this morning i had a quick call with my counsellor from university who was checking in with me. > i feel supported and like there is someone who knows what's going on with me, someone who i can reach out to whenever there's something challenging coming up. i also had a call with a friend's girlfriend to talk about her approach to coaching and trauma therapy. i am doing my best to keep making progress with my thesis. went to the library and worked on my sources for the thesis for two hours. it seems as though there is finally hope that this may be getting somewhere. later in the evening, i decided to go to the gym on an impulse.

@Princess Arabia oh...that makes sense:) very insightful. so in other words, i don't have to stress about the stress - i can just notice it and leave it be, and it'll resolve itself?

@Salvijusthank you!

@Hojoisn't that a bit like cute aggression?

@theleelajoker thanks, that's really helpful:)

@Salvijus okay, i'd like to try it:) thank you for offering to do that.

@Salvijus yes you're right about that...

@Salvijus i do feel a bit of that at times, but i also feel really stressed because there's so much going on at once and idk how to cool down even if i sit down and take some time to not do anything.

Sunday, 20th July 2025 i went to the gym and wore my blue shorts and sports bra i took a shower and it felt nice i had a paid coaching call and while it was a bit all over the place, maybe it did offer some useful insights in some areas i am trying to be kind to myself prioritising sleep and rest - having the awareness that i need to prioritise these right now

@Salvijus interesting, so that sort of tries to combine past, present and future:)

@Salvijus(: it's taking some effort to leave out all the "but"-s in this one. usually, it feels as though all the "bad stuff" is cancelling out all the "good stuff"...so i sort of have to force myself to only mention the "good stuff" here, if that makes sense:) how has your new practice worked for you? any insights? either way, i hope you've been well!