Judy2

...i guess on the one hand it's helpful to understand all this, on the other, it's quite a disillusionment, which hurts. leaves me naked, leaves me susceptible to all kinds of things that could go "wrong" in life. most of all, it makes me feel stupid for leaving fantasy world behind. fantasy world was smart. and beautiful. even though Heaven never came, i feel stupid for throwing away any prospects i had of ever reaching it through my constructed, my intricately, intelligently designed methods. it's sad. leaves me feeling low, leaves me feeling disgusted at the self, the humble, ordinary self i'm having to live with now. in the humble, ordinary, Godless world i'll be left with once all the things i so neatly separated and divided into two lose their power over me, lose their divinity. i suppose it sets me free, but right now it's just sad. not sure if anyone understands. i find this mechanism quite genius...but i'm on the seemingly disadvantageous side of it now...takes some accepting, some learning, some getting used to. moderation is boring, dull. i want excess, in whatever direction. i want extremes - otherwise, what is there? i think i wrote about this before, a few weeks ago, mentioning how it all takes on a very "ordinary shininess" - cause stuff loses its glow, the glow it had when i believed in God and the devil. basically. it was a constant struggle, but at least i had the thought of something Divine to hold onto. that's gone now. sad.

whatever this resolution is that i'm looking for, food won't give it to me. undereating won't give it to me. overeating won't give it to me. eating just the right amounts won't give it to me. it's not to be found in the food. it's probably not to be found anywhere. i don't even know what i'm looking for...i only ever know what i'm running from. i just want to be safe. i just want life to be good. i'm always scared that Life's not good and perfect enough, and that i'm not good and perfect enough. which is usually quite disappointing. cause if This is REAL, if existence IS - and that's crazy - shouldn't it be beautiful?...

so....part of me resists the idea that i want food to become normal or something i have a regulated, balanced relationship with. cause it's sad to let go of that whole HUGE paradigm, of all the meaning i have projected onto it for so long. like there's probably real grief involved, because of my beautiful divine fantasy world and the ways in which it emotionally protected me from difficulties in life. it's hard to let go of that. leaves me really naked. i also feel really guilty and stupid for attempting recovery. if my illness is so ingenius and recovery leaves me naked and susceptible to all sorts of painful emotions...i shouldn't be doing it. it's especially evil of me that i am handling all of this on my own again, breaking all these rules on my own, without a therapist. God, i just want to be Safe. and Beautiful. please. i'm never sure about that.

it also SUCKS from a recovering anorexic's perepective to have a physiology that is getting more regulated around food when the emotional struggles are still very very real. a) because food was such a great distraction from my emotional problems b) because being underweight was such a great distraction from my emotional problems and had me coping with them differently... it sucks to have a healthy physiology and become normal and balanced around food when that is only intensifying my emotional vulnerability, my nakedness with all the emotional struggles that are still very, very real. (cause like the whole point of undereating was that i could dream of a perfect recovery world wher everything's perfect and that's when i may eat again...but it's the other way around..having to eat, and even let that whole divine fantasy go, AND having to face LIFE without that coping mechanim, with all its ups and downs...rough!) in a dream world, the emotional struggles would just go away with weight restoration. i think that's what people naively tend to see when they find that someone who was underweight is finally weight restoring. truth is, that tends to be where the hard work begins. and it tends to be harder than active restriction, because it's massive emotional confrontation. people don't like to believe it. they think anorexics suddenly feel better and then they gain weight...sadly it's the other way around in most cases. it's a massive, massive struggle.

it's like this whole fantasy world collapses. like i had created this great need, and by that greatly idealised something and made it divine...and that's dissolved and now everything is flat, and cold. i'm cold, and naked, having to deal with all of existence on my own again. without any smart, convenient strategies up my sleeves. without any magic tricks. just cold, humble, flat existence. scary existence, with its ups and downs and challenges, its existential threats. existence was so much more fun when it was magic, when i had bifurcated it into evil and divine. existence was more fun with magic tricks that kept me safe, when i allowed myself to believe the threat was real, because then the prospect of a heaven i would never reach was also real. God was also real, though i could never truly reach it. i feel bad for playing all sober now. moderation. how boring. silly stupid me.

okay i think this is it. the thing with restriction was that on the one hand, it gave me this physiological state where all my problems could be reduced to malnutrition, so when i did eat, that was a way of telling me "God i needed that, and now i'm safe". it also superseded all emotions in its urgency, so any problem i had could be explained - and therefore also fixed - by food. then on the other hand food got this divine status, i could write lists of meals that i would like to eat for hours, and fantasise about that perfect world where i could finally eat again. it's sad when that is gone. when neither the physiological neediness nor the apotheosis of some part of existence, the projection onto a divine future could keep me safe. i know in my latest restriction phase earlier this year i was suffering immensely, wasn't comfortable, was praying for normalcy and a healthy weight and normal relationship with food to return. but yes, there's also sadness. because it's kinda cool to have a needy physiology, to always be on edge, to be able to project GOD - some divine resolution - onto food, and to forbid myself from taking it, always knowing that when i choose to, the solution will be right there. PLUS i felt so much prettier when i was skinny, and food also felt more special and beautiful. when that is gone...i'm naked. having to deal with Life....messy, messy Life. kind of a triggering explanation. it's so ingenious and smart that it kind of has me wanting me to go back to restriction. the beautiful depth of restriction, and just the visual, sensory beauty of it. ...this happens every time i think too much about anorexia...she really is smart, and she really is profound. i have a great deal of fascination and appreciation for that. ...did have its perks, it really is quite profound the more you think about it. and i'm scared, i don't like being this naked, this vulnerable...

so today's day of eating was better than yesterday's, at least. i'm at my parents' house now and had a nice dinner...salad and boiled eggs and fresh bread from the bakery. i felt satiated when i stopped and didn't feel an urge to keep eating. then a few hours later i still wanted an evening snack and it kind of felt like i wouldn't have to have one, but i still wanted one. and then it got confusing trying to figure out what i want or what would be satisfying, because there are also lots of fear foods in the house and i wasn't sure if i should try and have some or not. anyway, i ate a bit...but not overly much. not full on binge mode. but it's confusing because i'm constantly asking myself if i would really need this and then the answer is, no, i could go without this ..so that can't be the only standard by which i decide because then i'd undereat again and go hungry...so it's really difficult where to draw the line and what a normal amount to eat would be. or what to eat and what would be "worth it". i also noticed that just the thought of being around a household filled with food is SO triggering to me. it's kind of odd how that works, but it makes sense that my brain still feels that way. i took that opportunity to just flush all the chocolate mum had bought, cause i don't trust myself around that. like, i can control myself around that when i want to, but when i'm not trying to control or restrict myself, that's when it gets confusing because i have absolutely no sense of what moderate, healthy amounts are, or how to know when i've had enough. in other words it's easy when i know i'm demonising that food...but when i'm trying not to restrict, suddenly it's so confusing and i don't know how to eat moderate amounts. eating moderate amounts paradoxically feels more forbidden than overeating, at times, because then i'm actually eating it with full conviction, you might say....if i'm overeating i don't have to figure out if i actually want or need something, i don't have to go through that whole ordeal of second-guessing everything i put in my mouth, i'm just clear on eating till i'm stuffed. which isn't fun but in a way it's probably safer and it feels as though there's less guilt and responsibility in that (it's "out of my control", after all) than if i were to eat and actually be in tune with what my body needs and craves, and try to eat just the right amount, not too much and not too little...idk if this makes sense...just some thoughts i've been having on the issue. if i'm trying to eat moderate amounts, it feels as though i'm still having to deal with the disordered thoughts and the restrictive mindset and constantly ask myself if something might be too much (or if my environment is calm and perfect enough which, for my personal standards, it never is and in the past that would have meant that i'd have to restrict and starve until i live in a better world)...if i know i overeat it's just clear that whenever i think of food i'll have it and then that's it. in a way it saves a lot of emotional turmoil and negotiation, i suppose. with moderation you can basically fuck up in two directions....with extremes, it's always crystal clear what to do (that's why i like them). i have also noticed that sometimes the mere thought of just being around food and being completely unbothered by it is really stressful. it kind of makes me aggressive. i'm not even starving anymore and i don't have to be hungry in that moment, but it makes me deeply uncomfortable to just exist around food (maybe also in combination with the sensation of not needing it and not being hungry?) and have a normal, relaxed relationship with it. it's either "God NO i could never have that" or "i've got to binge it all"...the thought of just having a few bites here and there and then going about my day while that open jar or half a bar or three quarters of a bag of dates or whatever are still in the house is just unnerving. i find it funny how that works...most people probably cannot relate, but it makes sense from a certain point of view, that my brain still feels this way. (maybe there's also a bit of sadness that if i'm around food and not hungry, it'll lose its sublime status, and that kind of makes me sad because it was cool to give something so much power over me and my life as to make it appear divine...it's boring and sad if this simply dissolves and goes away...) i'm not even hungry, i don't even want to binge...but my brain is still stuck in that mode where the sheer existence of certain foods around me makes me deeply uncomfortable. guess it'll go away in a bit. i hope. i hope things will normalise and that my brain can start to relax around food...although i suppose a part of me doesn't want that. it wants food to stay on that pedestal...if it loses its elevation, it means that it'll blend right back into the chaotic canvas of life with all its contrasts and challenges. i'm afraid of that. over- or undereating would keep me from letting that happen, would keep food on a pedestal and delay that moment when it all blends right back into Life. and we all know i'm scared of Life. scared to live. on my bicycle this afternoon i thought, this counts as healthy emotional regulation. that instead of being stuck inside and eating, i'm moving my body and looking at the fields and the trees and the sky. but i'm still having to deal with food, and body image, and everything else. it also just seems surreal to get food down to a level where i'll be completely indifferent to it. because food and body image have been so central and important for at least half my life, consciously, and probably long before that. to just think that food could all of a sudden lose all of its emotional charge is a bit utopian...but whatever...we'll see how it goes. working on it. working on "moderation", as SCARY as it is. *sorry if this is messy, re-edited a few times because more thoughts kept popping up and that messed with the coherent order of the post here. **maybe it helps to be aware of these things.

Note to self: part of the reason why i choose recovery is because i want to be able to live in and enjoy the present moment [without counting down days and waiting for a future that never comes]. so what i should do in recovery is exactly that: be present, relax and enjoy the present moment, enjoy the process. if i'm making recovery about stressing out and needing to figure out how to do recovery well tomorrow, i'm falling into the exact same trap that i'm trying to let go of by recovering... it's okay to look for some self-help advice sometimes...but it's not like i'm gonna find that one idea that'll fix me "out there". so i can stop looking so desperately. just take in what comes my way, and the rest, i've got in me. the rest should be effortless, shouldn't be exhausting, is simply about letting myself be present and allowing myself to feel and be♡ and yes i can be beautiful at a healthy weight. i'll just keep telling myself that until i start to believe it and start to notice the evidence. period.

@meta_male 🤭

@Wilhelm44 ok:)

[feeling triggered. bad body image. struggling with that changed face i see when i look in the mirror...and it's scary how that face can change while me and my thoughts stay the same...when i think of that face as being capable of reflecting who "i" am, and capable of showing that to the outside world...but then it doesn't quite match up...very complicated topic....] i went cycling in the fields surrounding the village:) i liked the wind in my hair and on my skin i liked the sensation of cycling/riding the bike i liked the blue sky, the sun, the green fields and trees there was also a little stream and i liked the sound it made

okay that sounds like a good fit to fix basically all my issues in life😅 i'll give it a go, thank you. i mean probably. that's usually what it boils down to. question is, what don't i want to feel? probably fear that i'm not good enough? that something is wrong with me, that i'm not beautiful enough... and, and, and. the usual suspects.

[i am anxious, i am not sure how, but] i am hoping that food struggles will subside in this environment. please. i'll try my very best to stabilise.

i like it here i like my hometown♡ i like that i finally managed to allow myself to come back this year. that i allowed myself to be the woman capable of coming back here. (although it's not easy...) love my room♡ it's very tidy and girly and beautiful.

>>> i am very much capable of feeling joyful, happy, relaxed, at ease! i keep forgetting, but it is possible for me to feel good in life, and to be alive, and to simply live and be content in the present moment.

made it back to my lovely hometown and now i'm suddenly feeling really good. i don't understand my mood swings - when i was switching trains i was about to have a major meltdown and now i'm almost happy and joyful.

@meta_male thank you:) also, i get way too overexcited when people say i'm cute. stop it:)

i think it's just a habit or cognitive programming that's hard to get rid of. i'll try to keep that in mind and dance more often:) if i have green tea every morning, is that enough or do i need a specific supplement?

@MuadDib (:

it's a bit like life has to be hard rn because i'm used to dealing with my emotions in dysfunctional ways, and even as i'm trying to learn how to deal with them in more functional ways, it's taking a lot of effort and energy. maybe i'm wrong and doing things differently doesn't have to be that hard. for me rn, it is. if someone knows what i'm doing wrong, feel free to enlighten me please:)

i go to the gym 3-4 times a week, go for walks, listen to music, and embroider. but relaxation is definitely something i need to prioritise more, although i don't quite know how, tbh. it's probably a more fundamental issue than it seems, as this sense of hypervigilance is deeply related to my mental struggles. there's an underlying anxiety that i always need to be doing something or working on myself, otherwise something bad will happen. i've been having some sleep issues so now i'm on a prescription for sleeping meds. not sure if this is good, but i figured it would sort of force me into a more regular rhythm, which would be beneficial at the moment.

[emotion: some fear, worry. some hopefulness] i slept well (because of my sleep meds) i dreamed of a small dog that was extremely cute. every time i need to be comforted, i dream of miniature pets, and it totally works. i have been pushing through and working on my thesis this morning. feeling a bit calmer and more confident that this can work out, after all. people on the forum are there to support me last night i spoke with a friend who supported me and discussed with me how to best progress with my thesis dad is trying to be supportive, and i appreciate that maybe dad can help a little bit with my thesis, too i am doing something new by acknowledging my emotions and taking them seriously i am going home again and look forward to it i like my earrings i am hoping to feel more relaxed in the days to come

last week i had to interrupt lunch and RUN out of my apartment because my neighbour started singing and i can't handle that, not even with headphones. whether i'm eating or not. so i'm not even safe in my own apartment.

Yes, sometimes it feels that way. Especially if i have breakfast too early, because sometimes i mistake the cocktail of hormones after waking up for being hungry...and then it's like i had no breakfast at all, despite those 35g of protein. i'll try to improve on that. there's definitely a lot of anxiety in my system while eating...will be staying at my parents' place for a few days, which might be triggering but maybe it's also an opportunity to do some things differently. i'll try to think of ways to make meal times more relaxed...thank you:) but tbh sometimes i genuinely don't know how to make meal times more relaxed if i'm not in charge of my environment and sometimes there's just too much noise that i can't do anything about. i already wrote a letter to my neighbours here asking if they could please listen to music more quietly, but they didn't really respect that. and in those cases distraction is like my only chance to introduce a tiny bit of peace and quiet.

i wonder if this is some stubborn part of me testing my love. like it would be too surreal to overcome the bloating and stay lean, so it wants me to be bloated and gain weight just to check if i'll still love me then. but that's not reallt in my best interest, is it? but apparently that part if quite stubborn. ...not sure if this makes sense, but idk how else to explain it. it's just a theory though. also, i sent my mum a text opening up about the issue and she tried to calm me down. had i told her about undereating, i'm sure she would have panicked. so maybe stubborn me wants to overeat until she takes my emotional suffering in that just as seriously ...which is stupid. it sucks to "be brave" and tackle anorexia recovery, because that's really not that easy psychologically, and then life throws this sort of thing in your face. it's really, really stupid. it's like the worst case scenario anyone struggling with anorexia is afraid of...that they lose their ability to restrict. i could restrict again but i know i wouldn't have a lot of fun doing it, but it's also not right to overeat on principle then. that's not healthy, either.