Judy2

it really hurts, knowing i am actively deciding against dysfunctional behaviours now, when all the painful stuff "out there" that makes me believe i still need these behaviours keeps happening. i feel so naked, so vulnerable. ouch, ouch, ouch!

...still a bit overwhelmed. i suppose i am oscillating between hopefulness because i am now willing to work on myself, and a sense of powerlessness because there are so many painful triggers "out there" in the world and the anxiety they create is extremely painful and something i will inevitably succumb to, independent of the attitude that i take. (guilt, trigger: "i still need my old habits to protect me here!!!! it is so wrong of me to try and change things!) ...so there's still a sense of uncertainty, i don't quite know where i'm at. i'm afraid that i'm working so hard to change myself, exposing myself, being vulnerable...only to be slapped right in the face by the very real triggers that i can't quite eliminate or protect myself from, no matter how hard i try. ...guess i can't protect myself from them independent of my strategies, but it still makes me swallow hard, knowing how hard i try to leave dysfunctional behaviours behind, when the triggers stay the same and keep existing regardless. OUCH! (especially thinking of my noisy neighbours right now...still so utterly painful, still cutting right through me...and noise is something i can't run away from, no matter where i go. but still: ouch!)

i'm feeling more anxious today than i have felt in the days prior. somehow i had hoped that i had transcended this...but apparently this high level of baseline anxiety is still a thing, despite any changes in my general attitude that i've been trying to make.

@Salvijus(:

Monday, 21st July 2025 this morning i had a quick call with my counsellor from university who was checking in with me. > i feel supported and like there is someone who knows what's going on with me, someone who i can reach out to whenever there's something challenging coming up. i also had a call with a friend's girlfriend to talk about her approach to coaching and trauma therapy. i am doing my best to keep making progress with my thesis. went to the library and worked on my sources for the thesis for two hours. it seems as though there is finally hope that this may be getting somewhere. later in the evening, i decided to go to the gym on an impulse.

@Princess Arabia oh...that makes sense:) very insightful. so in other words, i don't have to stress about the stress - i can just notice it and leave it be, and it'll resolve itself?

@Salvijusthank you!

@Hojoisn't that a bit like cute aggression?

@theleelajoker thanks, that's really helpful:)

@Salvijus okay, i'd like to try it:) thank you for offering to do that.

@Salvijus yes you're right about that...

@Salvijus i do feel a bit of that at times, but i also feel really stressed because there's so much going on at once and idk how to cool down even if i sit down and take some time to not do anything.

Sunday, 20th July 2025 i went to the gym and wore my blue shorts and sports bra i took a shower and it felt nice i had a paid coaching call and while it was a bit all over the place, maybe it did offer some useful insights in some areas i am trying to be kind to myself prioritising sleep and rest - having the awareness that i need to prioritise these right now

@Salvijus interesting, so that sort of tries to combine past, present and future:)

@Salvijus(: it's taking some effort to leave out all the "but"-s in this one. usually, it feels as though all the "bad stuff" is cancelling out all the "good stuff"...so i sort of have to force myself to only mention the "good stuff" here, if that makes sense:) how has your new practice worked for you? any insights? either way, i hope you've been well!

Saturday, 19 July 2025 i am doing my embroidery work and giving myself permission to rest, relax, and recharge i cleaned my kitchen and did my laundry i put on fresh bed sheets yesterday i like my new gym clothes i can see that i am fighting for myself and trying to help myself get better i can see that i am trying to learn to love myself, and to be good to myself (mind, body, soul) i have friends who i can talk to when i am feeling emotional, who validate my experience, and who are trying to support me i have friends who have loved and supported me for years, independent of what i looked like or what weight i was at during that time. (and also independent of how stubborn and frustrating i can be.) i have some financial resources that i can use to facilitate my healing. i don't have to be anxious about money in the way many other people are. so i am privileged in that sense, because of my parents' financial support. even though i am still anxious about it, it seems like things are finally going somewhere with my thesis. i am grateful for my brother. a few weeks ago, he drove us up a hill near home where we went for a hike. the same day, we also cycled to a small stream to bathe. the following weekend, he allowed me to sleep at his place and visit him in Zurich, where we went for another hike, went swimming, and he showed me his lab - i am grateful for the fact that my brother was willing to spend time with me, and i truly love him.

...not to say that i don't have a good deal of resistance to the concept of a gratitude journal - but i know that there's scientific evidence that this sort of practice can re-wire your brain and generally improve your emotional experience. so i thought i'd give it a go and make it part of my routine. can't hurt to try.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is”.

i want to be allowed to be here, as i am, without needing to think about what's wrong with me. nothing's wrong with me. [...i am scared...]

...i notice that i have been quite stressed these past two weeks. making a conscious effort now to reduce that, cause i have a feeling that it might help things quiet down a bit, which is very much needed. i'd very much like to just focus on the essentials for now (including my thesis) and get rid of aaaaall the rest, as that's been putting way too much pressure on me. i'm happy to tackle a handful of things at a time, that's enough and feels so much better than having my energy diffuse in a thousand different directions.

Thoughts to counter-act shame: There are many things about me that are good and pretty and right. I am allowed to be here and I want to be here. I am allowed to show myself and take up space. There is nothing wrong with me or my body. Thoughts to counter-act guilt: It is normal to make mistakes from time to time. The consequences of this situation will be manageable. This won't have to drag me down forever. Soon enough, I will feel better. Thoughts to counter-act self-hatred: I am allowed to be here. I am beautiful and whole. I am intelligent. I do not have to hate myself. I am allowed to love myself and be good to myself. There will be people in my life that will love me. There are already some people in my life that have considered me attractive, beautiful, lovable, caring. Thoughts to counter-act loneliness: Certainly, there are people that have been in similar situations, and that have felt similar emotions because of that. Even though some people cannot relate to my particular struggles, i know that others probably share similar experiences and will be able to help or relate. People can help me and it is possible for me to feel connected, understood, and seen. There have been many moments in the past in which i felt connected, understood, and seen. > make a list Thoughts to counter-act fear: Independent of what happens concerning topic x/y/z - I will survive it and I will still be here. No matter what happens concerning x/y/z, I won't be hurting forever, I will be able to cope with it. Independent of the outcome concerning this particular issue, I will be able to cope, and I will still feel joy in the future. I will be alright. Focus on a/b/c which is a constant source of joy in my life, independent of what happens concerning this thing i am worried about. > make a list, e.g.: walking in the woods and looking at the trees, my favourite tv show, my friends,...

Emotional Regulation this past week, every now and then i have sat down to fill in some worksheets about emotional regulation in my dbt manual. the pattern that i noticed is that a lot of the weight and intensity of negative emotions comes from the fact that i formulate them in such absolute terms. for example: it'll never be okay again, no one will ever love me, EVERYTHING depends on this, i'll never be okay again, it'll hurt forever, EVERYTHING's wrong with me, how can it ever be okay again?, i'll forever have to hate myself, no one will ever find me beautiful, no one understands me, no one is helping me, i will forever be alone, it will never get better,... so part of the opposite action or opposite thoughts technique would probably be to relativise these extremes or absolutes, as to take away some of the weight and intensity of the emotion.

will do - thank you:)

Life is so, so, so weird

i'm so scared of being here. being fully, fully here. it's terrifying. it's also just so awkward, and so weird. to "be me".