Judy2

@Ulax 🙏🏻😇

@Ulax yeah, that makes sense. i guess if i were to rephrase the question, it would be if this immediate urge to talk about it and not be alone with it after a certain extreme behaviour has occurred is healthy or not? cause it might just be part of the behaviour to act all needy afterwards. i have a history of being too needy and wanting to be saved, and i can't quite strike the right middle ground when it comes to that. guess it also makes sense to distinguish between the kind of mentorship/coaching/therapy that you mentioned above - which makes absolute sense and would be helpful (it's hard to find rn, which is besides the point) - and simply being heard out by friends. idk if i'm too much for my friends when i tell them some of the things that are going on for me, but if i don't tell them, it feels worse to be keeping it all to myself.

i think when i wrote this post i didn't even think about sharing on the forum specifically (that's more of what i meant in the other thread i started). i thought of this question after experiencing some symptoms/behaviours that felt extreme, abnormal, not okay, and i felt conflicted about reaching out to a friend because i tend to be annoying, but there was no one else to call and it got me wondering if i'd just keep all this to myself if i was wiser (since the sharing seems annoying to people). but i guess in terms of self-love and when i think about what i need, i think it's also true that i don't want to be lonely after experiencing a particular behaviour/crisis-reaction....just don't know who to reasonably reach out to in those moments. mental health hotlines in germany are either blocked all day or when you get the chance to talk to someone, it's really awkward and usually not helpful.

yes, i agree. in theory, that is true. in practice, when you share something vulnerable, even voluntarily, people can still react in hurtful ways.

hi there:) so since i have had a journal on this forum for quite a while, i've noticed that sometimes i feel divided between sharing honestly and authentically what's going on for me, particularly in the mental health domain, and maintaining my privacy. i wonder what you guys' opinions on this topic are - if mental struggles should be shared or kept private, or something inbetween - and what exactly the limits should be. i don't think we'll reach a consensus on that but would be curious to open a discussion on the subject and follow along with everybody's ideas in association with this question. lots of love ♡

yes, absolutely. i was asking about it because i've already shared a lot on here and been thinking that i should be more conscious about it.

future employers might care, for example.

@Ramasta9 okay, thanks for sharing:)

do you think i look overweight?

if i start making recipe videos and apply for small business ownership, can i make my groceries and tech equipment a tax write-off lol?

@Natasha Tori Maru hi:) can you catch me up briefly about what happened...did everybody agree to hide all the messages? i was away for a bit so i missed that part.

the real question is, are you a person? ponder that for a while:)

nah, don't be. i think it's strange because oftentimes, i'm really not sure how specific i can or should be, or i pull back and hide stuff after posting it. it gets awkward because i'm not clear on the extent of the things i should or shouldn't share, so there are some weird allusions all the time. i'm really not sure if it's helpful to anyone, including myself, if i relate the specific behaviours that i know aren't ideal. i mean maybe it depends on how i talk about them. and for the most part, the problem is that i'd have to repeat myself a lot to the point that this would normalise things/make them seem okay, justified, strengthen identification....because i can't really present many solutions yet....only repeating patterns and potential causes that end up being justifications and rationalisations. it's really not that fun to read my journal because my mind isn't that smart about handling my problems, or i'm too weak or something. if i were to talk about the behaviours in detail when it would make sense as part of the emotional expression, i think that would come across as being too pro harmful behaviours? i don't know how to share that i'm struggling without making it look like i think it's good.

@theleelajoker thank you, that makes sense.

i think a pro would be that it can help those affected by a similar illness, decrease loneliness, increase connection. it can destigmatise the diagnosis and help explain symptoms and challenges to outsiders who might have no idea - and as a result increase empathy in our society. on the flipside, it can be quite vulnerable and mutually triggering for the one sharing as well as those registering the information that's being shared, for example when talking about specific eating disordered behaviours, substance abuse, self-harm, or suicidality.

yeah i'm working on that as a first step:) already reached out to a friend and my above-mentioned dad's colleague to ask alll the questions.

yes i get that. maybe i can save the videos for later though, and begin by working on a book/e-book/recipe blog and sharing pictures on instagram. start with the easy part as that'll be messy enough to figure out in the beginning anyway. can't do it all at once.

if i had to answer spontaneously, i'd say my "niche" would be to unite insights on gentle/positive nutrition and mental health in a holistic way. it's kind of weird but viewers seem to like it when people narrate something that seems a little off topic during these videos, so it could work. i'm still worried about the emotional strain it may put om me though, bit maybe i can just try one step at a time. i may also invest in a 6 month programme to become a certified nutritionist in the next few months....so maybe that can be combined nicely. but i still need to find out if that certification is legit and worth the money. or i'll just do it and stop overthinking. it still doesn't sit right with me to do all that marketing though. i think that could be triggering as hell.

do i need to get a camera and a microphone? that's kind of intimidating to me. do i have to make some subscriptions to programmes or applications i can use for cutting videos, formatting blog/cookbook pages etc.?

yes i'm aware of that. but once i get the traffic there, is it just people visiting the website that brings in money or do i also have to sell something? my dad's colleague sells cookbooks on amazon and i can ask him for advice.

i just want to be safe. that's all.

it's so weird, but it feels that way. don't know if it always has, or if it used to be the other way around. but being this miserable, struggling this much, doesn't feel like me, it doesn't feel like my life, it doesn't feel like that's what life should be like, with all the crises and the disproportionate amount of drama that supersedes the boundary of what could still be perceived as adventurous or enjoyable.

i've also been wondering if the ideal, mature, wise me would react to my toxic meltdowns, my crises, my moments of using obviously harmful coping mechanisms by being able to handle it by myself, keeping it to myself. would that be wiser, i wonder. cause i feel toxic af when i speak up and go hey, i did x y z, i am struggling with behaviour x y z. it's a weird dynamic to think about, a weird mind game. is it toxic when i reach out, or is it good? either way it's because i'm too weak to handle the loneliness when i know something extreme that shouldn't happen happened. maybe i'd be "cooler" if i managed to deal with this by myself more. maybe that would be noble of me, more self-sacrificing, self-loathing, good. .... but i'm also too weak to do that. and rationally, the recovery-interested me kind of gets how for people struggling with toxic behaviours....that somehow they can't shake, they're stuck with, they ended up with - without being able to choose, for now....the realm of responsibility isn't always the behaviour, but the part where they say "hey i'm struggling there". ....which is quite a compassionate perspective, i'm impressed ( - ugh....express disgust at my own "healthy thoughts" again. i'm not supposed to have them.). i wonder if this is me adulting, growing up....or me recovering and struggling with mental health. maybe it's both. quite a nasty combination. maybe there is no difference between the two. it's nasty, though, that adulting has to hurt so much all the time and i think it's mean that i struggle more than others. all the time. i don't like being stuck in this reality....i don't know who thought to put me here, and to make my life so vile.

i can't fall asleep so i'll just write a bit to wind down. so earlier i was debating whether to start another post in the mental health section...then i realised it would just be the tenth or twentieth time of me asking "i'm stressed and i can't relax - how do i relax?" i feel so messed up and really quite uncomfortable in my own skin. random insight, but approximately since last summer, every now and then i've been thinking that i can change my attitude toward money and be a bit more liberal with my finances. what good is a full bank account if, talking in extremes, i'll end up so miserable i wanna die. not that that has anything to do with the money..but i'm thinking that i may as well gamble a bit and invest in stuff (education, therapy). might be a waste, or it might make my life a tiny bit better and make me happier. who cares. i don't have the energy to care anymore. and i'm miserable anyway. ...i'm shocked every time i hit a low like that, that that's just life. or maybe that's life at 23. but i keep waiting for it to get better. i don't see why it's always such an endless struggle, why everything hits me so hard. ...kind of anticipating that autism or adhd diagnosis. not that that mattered. would just be nice to validate that i'm weird. it doesn't really matter what it's called, but i can just tell there's so much tension, so it's the ... and, most likely, generalised anxiety again - i've had it for years and it keeps finding new things to worry about, new topics that haunt me day and night as if my life depended on it. i feel so exhausted and the worst part is i can't even relax when i try....that makes me sad to admit. haaaaa. sigh. a few days ago i was still trying to counter this all with some positive lessons, but by now i've been conquered. i know that back then a technique i wanted to share, that i actually felt hopeful about, was to ground myself in things that are permanent, steady, and independent of the current object of my anxiety. something like the weekly podcast i listen to - it'll be there again next week, and it'll make me smile a little bit, no matter how stressed i am right now about the mess that's my life. i hate being such a mess. that's not me....i hope i'll get over that soon, but for now i feel forced to be such a mess and to hustle, after all, to try to get somewhere good and get things sorted. ....too much pressure. crying as i'm writing this. i think i'm just sad at the situation, the neverending struggle. is that all life is? it should be more. but i don't think it is. i think most people just jump from one disappointment, one discomfort to the next, maybe delude themselves into being happy, or oblivious, inbetween....but the disappointment and suffering, that's ultimate. ....okay i onlysay that because that's the state i'm in now. what a shame to admit that. truth is, i don't know what life is, and i'll never have the definitive view, and all of Life changes as my emotions come and go. is it sad, tragic, dull, happy, meaningful? God knows. i know. i do, it's always what it is to me, now. duh.

@UnbornTao would i make money with that kind of blog? can i make YT videos without showing my face in them? or maybe in that case it's easier to start with instagram + a blog, if i want to avoid showing my face?