Judy2

so you caught me...i'm really just coping hard when i'm here, analysing myself:) oopsie, again. i'll probably keep doing it though, because i do need some sense of safety, something to hold onto...and this is one of the healthier ones compared to other coping strategies i could use.

feeling confused, scared, and overwhelmed now. cause i'm in this messy environment and don't know how to be safe, and all the "safe" methods i know aren't actually safe either, but all the alternatives are new and scary and unsafe...so i don't know what to do, what i should do, if i should feel guilty, if i've done something wrong, what i may or may not do next...how to best keep safe, i don't know! (the safe answer to that question is "be ill"...but then i'm ill and suffering, and i don't wanna be that...but if i'm not ill, i'm also struggling cause Life is so big and scary)...it's all SO much. and it's scary to walk free. it's so much easier to hate myself and be mean to myself...at least that's a sort of method that holds me tight, and that i can hold onto tightly...that shows me exactly what to do. i'm so lost without all my dysfunctions, when i'm trying to "just be"...."just being" is scary when that means i'll be floating around in empty space, in some sort of vacuum with no say whatsoever about the good and the bad that will come my way...completely vulnerable, and they'll all just pierce right through me, and i have no where to resort to, no single thing to hold onto when that happens (that single thing to hold onto usually being a coping mechanism, not eating, cutting, negative self-talk...also journalling, overanalysing, writing so that at least that is what "holds me tight"...)

i slept well and feel calm, but some things still feel a little off. as soon as he wakes up, i'd like to apologise to dad and explain to him some of the contexts that led me to react so strongly last night. otherwise, he's completely left in the dark about it, and that doesn't seem fair, or helpful. ...other than that....i'm feeling pretty insecure regarding food. i know i go on and on about it these days, and share basically the same thing over and over again. it's something i would not have shared publicly in the past, cause it's very vulnerable in and of itself. i don't know if it's wrong to share so much of it now...cause even if i'm "authentic" about it, i think it can get annoying once people see how self-absorbed i am with these issues, and how much unhealthy attachment is involved there....it will stop looking cute and start looking pretty obsessive and ugly soon. but i still wanted to express, i guess?...that food is still quite scary and i feel insecure as to what should guide me in my food choices. if i eat based on calculations and macros, that tends to feel restrictive and not right. if i eat based on hunger and satiety cues...well, i don't know how to trust those. it's scary cause there's so much i can do wrong....because this is so closely connected to body weight and body image and appearance...and we know how i feel about those, how important they are in determining my self-worth, in showing my true self to the world, and what if i look ugly, what will that say about me....anyway, so all things considered, this is still quite scary! just noticed it and wanted to express it, i suppose? i'll be going to the library today (mostly to not spend a Sunday stuck in the same house as dad....), and that's a good plan in theory but i still feel scared about how i'll have to navigate food choices throughout the day...i'm trying not to restrict but i feel bad for eating enough [in this chaotic, scary, black and white world]....i'm scared. it feels wrong of me, and forbidden, to eat, even though i do eat. just because it's such a stressful subject, i suppose. just because there's so much emotion tied up in it, i know...so much conflict, so much to consider...and it can get triggering whatever i do, whether i eat too little or too much...and once again it's so hard to strike the right balance...still needs a lot of learning, and i think for that to fully work i need to sever that strong emotional link i see between body image/food/self-worth...which still seems a bit utopian!

if i could, i'd like to re-name this journal....either way, i think i'll have to change my strategy in here and transform this into more of a dialectical journal....to give conscious space to acknowledging both the good and the bad. cause forcing myself to only write the good stuff feels inauthentic, and i think it's important to acknowledge and register negative emotions as well. they might convey important information, after all... without overemphasising the good or the bad...i think there must be room to see both. (hate to say it but this is what our dbt diary card looked like at the clinic i voluntarily left earlier than planned....oopsie. i feel a bit guilty for doing this on my own now, for being so pro-recovery...that's very evil of me.) so, today: difficult/annoying/stressful: being around dad eating in stressful, unsafe environments driving in the car for a total of six hours worries about body image, i dislike my belly, i am scared that my face is too round, i am worried about the long-term trajectory of my appearance and the character that i will be presented as to the outside world positive, beautiful; moments of joy and happiness: hiking the mountains nature some moments of feeling really positive and hyped while hiking walking up the mountain for 2,5 hours....even though it was exhausting, it was really fun! and i'd like to do this more often waterfalls lots of different plants and flowers, some butterflies my legs are toned i felt fit while hiking saw my upper body in a mirror a few times and thought that at least that and my arms still look slim and lean and okay! seeing my brother♡ some moments of positive connection with my dad and brother; some positive conversations where we felt connected and at harmony being able to rest and relax in my bed now

notes i wrote on my phone before we left for our hike...about a conflict that i noticed/awareness that came up: Switzerland is beautiful, and i wanna be "fully here" for that. what i don't wanna be fully here for is dad and how stressed out he is....so that puts me in a bit of a conflict, cause i'd wanna restrict to escape him, but i wanna be here for the sublime reality of the mountains...but if i'm here for that, i'll also have to tolerate him...and he's hurting me without even realising. (possibility of restriction = numbing myself to the good and the bad...and we've established that i want to live now and be fully here and no longer restrict/be mean to myself/hurt myself.....but DAMN it's hard especially if "old" triggers (e.g. dad) are around. cause they make me so vulnerable, and i'd wanna numb myself to protect myself from that, and it hurts not to, if i choose not to numb myself but to be here for the good parts, e.g. my brother and the mountains and the hike). it's painful for me not to restrict when i'm around dad....and that's sad because the hike is gonna be beautiful, but he makes everything so ugly and stressful and i don't wanna be vulnerable to that by being fully here (eating enough)...cause even if i refuse to be dysfunctional, he'll be dysfunctional and negative and i'll get the full blow of that right in the face and be vulnerable to all of his ugliness that will spoil the whole beauty of the mountains here...such a clash, black and white....ouch. how can i allow myself to be alive if he'll still be here, with all his ugliness, spoiling every thing? And then i'm the one who's worse off, resisting all my coping mechanisms to gain safety, when he'll just keep doing all his mean stuff and hurt me regardless.. Pain

had a bit of a "situation" tonight so now i feel the need to write a behaviour analysis. so we were on our hike all day, i have been around dad since 5.30am this morning and have gotten quite annoyed with him on some level. the hike was physically exhausting (in a good way but also a noticeable way that drained me) and while i tried hard not to undereat, i still ate less than i usually would while being a lot more active....so my constitution's already a bit more shaky because of that. i also couldn't eat a lot at dinner because the restaurant we picked didn't have what i had planned on having, and eating with dad at the table was also difficult. after dinner we drove back for 3 hours and i still felt hungry and basically felt that i should still eat something when i get home....but since dad has been such a nuisance all day, i'd counted on him going to bed and being able to eat in peace and silence, because otherwise i'd feel guilty for not restricting in such forbidden, bad surroundings (=with dad near me and able to hurt me emotionally...if there is a chance that that happens...i may not eat! that's been the rule for a decade.) and now he wanted to stay up longer and i got some serious self-harm urges cause i felt as though i was greedy for wanting to eat and i didn't know how to explain to him that i needed him to go to bed to let me eat in peace, because i couldn't tolerate any more "forbidden" food scenarios (like eating around him while he's stressing me out and making things ugly for me) in this day...i've already pushed myself so hard to not restrict all day when he was there and he was stressed and ugly and normally that means that i have to restrict.... i was this close to going for it (cutting, i mean), but did that awkward thing where (tension probably at 80%) i stormed up and down our stairs, then ran out the door barefoot and around the block. it's what i'm supposed to do to not self-harm and the pressure was on, for sure, but it still felt strange. anyway, i have calmed down by now. realised that the whole plan of needing silence at night probably would have worked out better if i had actually communicated that need....but i guess i was also opposed to that and not even willing to try because i was generally fed up with any sort of interactions with dad because of all the vulnerability they entail for me...so i just wanted to maintain my distance and not even make any efforts to communicate this. i know it's not black and white and he can be well-meaning and caring and loving, too. i feel sorry for being so difficult around him...i know i'm giving him a hard time and he's trying his best. and still i feel so hurt by him, sometimes. and i guess it's simply been a long and exhausting day, many thoughts also about body image, so there was a lot of tension tonight and that's okay. trying to relax now and be kind to myself...it's okay♡ i am safe.

went for a hike with ... and my wonderful brother in the Swiss mountains:) it was beautiful and something i'd like to do more often (maybe not with .... but as a general sort of thing). there's also lots more to be said and lots of conflicts around this whole thing that i had planned on sharing, dissecting, and acknowledging....but i probably lack the energy to do that tonight, and perhaps it's also good practice for me to let even those challenging bits be [no, no, no, it's not!!! that only makes me EVEN more vulnerable, and i already am so vulnerable, so please just let me write about it, it gives me something to hold onto instead of just being in this empty void without any sense of safety....]

@MuadDib yes, it was the first spiritual book i ever bought and read:) i don't remember the part about his thesis though! that's funny....thanks for bringing it up:) i am trying to be more relaxed and present:)

...had this post ready around noon, but somehow it didn't get uploaded, so i'll have to type it all again: wore my red dress again ran for 20min on the treadmill and enjoyed that felt a bit lighter and more hopeful after expressing some painful emotions in my other journal trying to be nice to myself and take good care of myself, trying to be in tune with myself some other points i forgot

i wonder if my dad is a narcissist or what defines his psychology. maybe not an overt one, but he might have some covert traits. his mind can be quite rigid and there's a lot of stress and tension in him, too. he can be caring, for sure. he can even be sincere...but sometimes, he's just really really rigid. i also wonder about my mum. she's definitely not as emotionally healthy as i thought her to be...but i can't quite pin-point it. she's so non-rigid that my dad can push her around quite easily...probably easily used and manipulated, cause she wants to please everybody and take care of everybody. she was always scared of not being a good mum, or being neglectful...so if anything, she tends to be a bit overbearing. i feel pain and i feel stressed around both of them....usually just want to put a whole lot of distance between myself and them.

randomly found myself thinking about the year 2080...i'll be 78 in that year. hopefully i'll be more relaxed about life then, have loving people around me, be impressed at how the world will have evolved, know who i am, don't spend every minute of every day second-guessing myself and my worth and if things are okay. maybe if i think more about the year 2080, i'll stop worrying about the things in the present, because they're usually not quite as significant as i believe them to be. i feel sadness and grief, that things aren't okay yet. that i spend so much time struggling and feeling anxious and wondering if i'll turn out okay, if i'll end up feeling good enough....makes me really sad, makes me cry. i feel tension and discomfort and stress (also because of dad, he's quite stressed this evening, i can totally feel it, and he is quite insensitive to how that is affecting me, tbh). we are going on that hike tomorrow and i had planned to keep myself together and not restrict (totally new for me, at a family event) and look forward to trying to fuel my body...but that's difficult to keep feeling positive about when i see how stressed out dad is and how rigid he is around packing our stuff (including our food) and that makes me feel kind of bad, like he makes it all ugly, and the urge is to counter that by a sort of hunger strike....it doesn't seem right to be the one suffering under his tension and let him make my food and the entire experience ugly, and to eat the food that he has made ugly with all his stress and tension regardless. that doesn't seem right. it's also the reasoning that made me stay underweight while living under his roof till i turned 18...and i'm trying to do better, trying to allow myself to be alive and fuel myself and enjoy that hike regardless...but DAMN that's HARD when i see how HE, HE, of all people, just makes everything so ugly and stressful. i hate it. how am i supposed to be cool and be that kind of girl who goes on hikes with family and feels good while doing it, when he's like that? how can i not resort to dysfunctional coping mechanisms when being around him is this ugly and stressful??? ouch. i'm in pain. i'm stressed. i'm suffering. it's already strsssful enough, being me. already sad and painful enough. he makes it all a thousand times harder, right now. *i'm probably a really bad person for talking about someone like that, behind their back. not sure.... it's emotional expression, so that's good. but it's also really nasty. i feel bad. he's too much, he's stessing me out.

briefly felt better for some time after working through these emotions, and i felt a bit more hopeful after that. but not feeling good about the fact that these past few days i've had really low energy (napped twice a day), procrastinated on working on my thesis/been unproductive all day long, and always been very bloated by the end of the day. it feels so hopeless because this has been an issue for years, so at this point i don't even dare hope that i can ever fix this....it seems hopeless.

i am hoping to get support with this and find a therapist who can work with me in the long-term, soon. and i am hoping, praying that this world can be good after all, and that i can make the discovery that i can have a beautiful body while having a healthy, intuitive, loving relationship with myself, my emotions, exercise, my body, and food. right now i'm scared that i can't...or i'm not sure, i don't know what's true. i'm scared, i feel alone. i feel very sad that so far, it has felt as though i'm only really beautiful when i actively mistreat myself. and that i lose points in rating when i look healthy, and even healthy people would confirm that i looked better when i was smaller. it should be possible, it should be right that i can be my most beautiful when i'm healthy...but i don't know if this is true, in this world...and that makes me really sad.

i feel sad about my body, i feel grief. i think it is true for me that dieting and forcing myself to restrict isn't right. i only just got my period back. i feel a little jealous of other women who can be healthy and have an effortless, healthy relationship with food while looking thin. i want my body to look different again, but i know it's not good for me to achieve this through deliberate restriction...cause that never felt sustainable, it never felt true for me. so it's a bit like i'm at God's mercy now, just trying to improve my relationship with food and i'll have to see where my body goes with that? it's scary, cause i don't know where it'll go. i'm scared, i feel sad, i feel bad about myself, i feel inferior. i feel stupid for giving up control over my body, when i could easily "fix" all body image concerns by restricting again. i know i feel good about my body when i restrict, but i don't feel good about life, i'm not healthy that way. so it's a little painful because being healthy is associated with so much distrust, so much powerlessness about "where my body wants to go" (i hate this expression, even) in terms of its set weight. i feel like healthy people don't understand this and will blame me for having limiting beliefs about my body weight...not sure. and i don't know if all this is just a limiting belief, or if it's the truth. it's painful to be going through this, it really is. ...i just know that i don't want to restrict anymore...so i guess the only way is to work on a healthy, intuitive relationship with my body and with food...and then see where that goes. which is just absolutely scary!!! cause again, what if "healthy"me is uglier than the ill, restricting version of me? it's frustrating and painful and sad because i know eating disordered me earlier this year was probably closer to the cultural ideal of thinness than current me is. (or maybe not bmi 16.sth me, ...but bmi 18.5 me definitely more so than bmi 20 me...) it makes me sad and i feel so alone with this struggle. again..."why do i always look my best when i'm dying on the inside?..." it hurts. hurts to see that i may just have to accept being uglier when i'm healthy. i'm not sure. but i think people found me prettier when i was just a few kilos underweight (or when i was at the lowest healthy bmi possible...apparently that is where our society's ideal lies)....i'm already too big now, already in such shape that people at the gym probably assume i'm there to lose weight, because look at me and look at my arms, and my face, and my belly!!... ...i feel sad. it's a struggle.

i acknowledge that i'm not happy with the way my body looks, and that i'd like it to be a little smaller again. at least a little closer to the socially accepted beauty standard of thinness. i acknowledge that i feel scared that i can't do anything about it, considering that thinking about restriction alone is enough to make my body and brain react quite strongly. i am worried that i will never figure this out, and always be blamed for my body and for not believing that i can change it. because i know that changing my body is possible, healthy people do it, too. healthy women end up with that beauty standard kind of thinness, too, and maintain it. i feel sad. i'm genuinely not sure if this is limiting beliefs holding me back, or if it's not healthy and my body just needs a tiny bit more fat than other women to be healthy. ...i'm not sure about this, don't know what to tell myself about this, don't know if i should justify my belly to myself by this logic (hormonal health and so forth)...or if i could be healthy (psychologically and physically, having a relaxed relationship with food) even with a few kilos less. maybe my weight will go down a little bit as my relationship with food improves, too...consider that...i mean things are constantly changing, my body's constantly changing...it's possible that my belly and arms will get smaller again...i'd like that. and i would prefer that to losing weight in a way that is based on unhealthy restriction and hating myself...cause i know that's not sustainable and would ultimately only make me feel trapped. it's just such a dilemma that i know i could make it happen, but i don't know if i could make it happen in a healthy way. and i want to be healthy and i know that for someone like me there's a risk involved with dieting...but if i could make it happen in a helathy way and don't attempt it and end up stuck complaining about my belly, and other healthy women do attempt it and get a flatter belly....people will totally consider me inferior for not losing weight again....don't know if this makes sense. it does make sense to me, from the perspective of someone who has had an eating disorder since the age of 13. ... i feel like my bloated belly is a culturally coded sign of inferiority. i don't know a single woman on this planet, i never see a single woman out on the streets, who ends up as bloated as i do by the end of the day. it's like other women are either too big so no one counts them towards this statistic anyway, or they have a flat belly 24/7. i don't know where i fall on this scale...i feel bad.

drove our car to the animal sanctuary and back saw pregnant goats, the cutest baby pigs ever!!!, meerkats, monkeys (also very cute), camels, lamas,... was out in physical space, outdoors, in nature [positive...but also mixed feelings on that...*] looking forward to seeing my brother on Saturday and hiking in the Swiss mountains:) [*it still feels odd, "being allowed" to go outdoors and move around through physical space. it wasn't just depression that kept me from doing that, it was also (and still is) a lot of fear and this sense that i'm not allowed to exist or be alive. and i still feel, often, that i am not fully allowed to be in physical space, move around freely...that still feels kind of forbidden even now. existence. cause it means that i am actually here, i actually exist and this is real, i'm here, in this scary, big world...and what is this scary, big world anyway, that i can just move through it, walk through space...seemingly never-ending space...it still feels so strange to me, still scary. ... but then, i already exist anyway, and won't be a better person for it if i spend my life miserable, indoors, complaining about the fact that i exist while feeling that i'm not allowed, and yet i can never quite get rid of myself...that won't do much for my self-worth either. so there's this transitory period now where i just gotta push myself a bit and just take it, take the life that i already got anyway...it's mine already. even though it still feels a little off, if not completely uncomfortable...ugh...stressful. being alive can also feel super uncomfortable because now i am EXTREMELY vulnerable, being fully here instead of dissociating and dwindling away. ouch. being alive is nice, but it also is so fucking vulnerable. so i totally get why part of me has wanted to avoid this for so long, probably still wants to on some level!....i feel a bit of pain, it feels painful to live, it feels WRONG] [it's a bit like a lose-lose, or like this dilemma, the grass is always greener on the other side...neither of these two options is really good. if i avoid life, i avoid the joy that comes with it - avoid all prospects to experience good things, but i also stay safe from all the bad stuff. and if i live, like i do now, which is new...i get to experience good things, freedom...but HELL am i VULNERABLE to all the bad stuff as well. and i think someone like me is probably extra-sensitive to all the "bad stuff", so there's that....i feel pain even just thinking or writing about it.]

expressing frustration/acknowledging some negative feelings: i don't like how noisy dad can be i don't like his clutter i don't like his loud voice i don't like that he's talking too much and that he sometimes stands too close to me i don't like how sometimes he gets too close to me and thinks it appropriate to tell me whether to wear socks or not, or whether the temperature requires me to wear a jacket. i don't like that sometimes he goes "yes, yes" in response to serious emotional topics of mine, which is perceived as dismissive and invalidating on my end. i don't like that he said something about the weekend where he "presumes me to participate" in another hike with him and my brother...cause that just makes me feel pressured and like he's taking away my choice, and he isn't even aware that this is the exact point why i explicitly brought it up again to tell him i still need to reflect on whether it's right for me...and he just countered that with "yeah i think it will be right for you" - i find this very upsetting, because he is insensitive to the emotional point i was trying to make in that moment. it's not actually about whether i come along or not, but the fact that he thinks he has a say in that - when he doesn't and it's up to me and i want to feel relaxed and know that i am free to decide what is right for me. ...makes me feel really pressured to see that he doesn't quite get this.

gratitudes today: today i am feeling a tiny, tiny bit more in tune with myself than yesterday i consciously planned on having a break and made an effort to meditate (and then nap lol) this afternoon i really enjoyed my hot shower at the gym earlier today i enjoyed running at the gym this evening, dad and i are going to drive to a kind of animal sanctuary and i hope that walking and being around animals is going to help me relax

English literature yes

...still not relaxed lol. i briefly considered making a new thread to ask about this. ...really not sure how to resolve this...i think i've already asked about it at least twice before. stress management sounds like such a simple issue to tackle. i wonder why it's not and why it's so complex and difficult to handle in my experience. it can't be that hard, it sounds like such a basic problem to have...

@Schizophonia it's like an undergraduate degree. master's would be postgraduate.

i'm probably putting in an unnecessary amount of time and energy in the most inefficient way possible, and still not getting half as far as someone with a more relaxed attitude would. not saying this to you in particular@Schizophonia it's only something i just realised

@Schizophonia no i'm not doing a PhD lol. it's just my bachelor's thesis...not as big a deal as i make it sound.

10 things i am grateful for this evening/in this moment/this hour: my window is open and the cool night air feels good i finished going through all my sticky notes in The Woman in White today (probably hundreds) i can see that i am trying to be good to myself i found a little postcard with a kitten on it to look at i really love my pink coat i love the picture above my desk: my brother and me...he's wearing his cowboy boots and a grey shirt, and i'm leaning against him in a cute black skirt, and my hair is really long and pretty, falling in soft waves. i am grateful that i have a safe, comfortable bed to sleep in at night i am grateful that my father tries to support me - i can see that he is trying i am grateful that i have two appointments with therapists coming up...so maybe if i am lucky, one of them will be a good fit and keep working with me. i am grateful for the existence of my friends. it feels good to have friends and to know that they'll be there, no matter what. i love my friends. 11: i really enjoyed the hot shower i took this evening, and i took it deliberately because i knew it would be an act of self-care. 12: i like the sensation when i hold my cheek against my shoulder and feel my own soft, warm skin 13: i like my toned muscles and that i can feel that i have been working out 14: i am glad that i went cycling this afternoon...it was a good idea and it's something i should do more often, because it makes me feel happy and alive. 15: maybe dad and i can come up with a plan for tomorrow night, as to have something nice to look forward to. going to the cinema or something, perhaps. maybe that will help me relax. 16: i enjoy being aware of different colours in my environment; taking some time to scan the weird physical-mind-space around me and to see what's going on in this bubble that i'm "trapped" in 17: i re-polished my nails and the deep, dark red feels nice 18: i am looking forward to going to the gym tomorrow morning. i am hoping to enjoy my workout. 19: i am hoping to receive a positive reply from my professor, and to get a little bit more time for my thesis, so that i can keep prioritising my emotional well-being, too. 20: i'll have nutritious food tomorrow that will leave me feeling satiated and well-nourished 21: i am hoping to re-discover a random song that i heard earlier today that i forgot the lyrics of

...i'm feeling stupid again. it feels odd and stupid that mental illness, trying to be mentally healthy, is taking on such a central role for me in life. not sure what else life should consist in, if not a journey towards mastering the self - but regardless, it feels stupid. i feel stupid for struggling; i feel ugly. perhaps there'd be a prettier, more profound way to struggle, still? cause it's always this beautiful struggle, but i'm the ugly, unworthy character right in the middle of it. i'm ugly, i'm broken, i'm flawed, i'm not good enough. everything is wrong with me. everything is going wrong, everything is off balance.