Judy2

@soos_mite_ah thank you for sharing:) yes, i'm trying to figure out a meal plan for myself, too. just to have some basic orientation, so that i don't have to constantly think about what i should eat at a meal. would you say that you are happy and stable with the way you are eating now?

@soos_mite_ah hey, thanks for joining the discussion:) yes, that's a good idea, i might even be fortunate enough to get that covered by insurance. the thing with "intuitive eating" for me is that it leads to constant snacking and a very unclearly defined meal structure, and i feel as though that is not really healthy, either. have you struggled with that, too, and if so, how did you deal with that? in general, does any advice come to mind for someone in ed recovery? (both concerning body image and food choices, or really anything else)

@RendHeavenokay that sounds reasonable:) thank you!

instead of going swimming i went to the gym again with a good friend who knows his way around there, cause he only had time today. he talked me through and showed me an entire full-body workout routine....felt good, i am grateful, and it was helpful to be shown and told what to do... feeling appreciative and hopeful.

@RendHeaven thank you, that's very helpful:) i appreciate you taking the time to answer all of this! yes, i have come to that conclusion as well:) ...i've heard very conflicting things about coconut oil. there used to be this big hype around it, but then people started saying it's actually not that good for you (i think because of the types of fatty acids...maybe not enough omega 3 or something). apparently, the same applies to avocados. it's always so confusing who to believe when it comes to nutrition advice.

Specific Goals I Am Working on This Year. finishing my BA-thesis within the next 3 months... ... then going on a holiday trip, looking for an apartment in the area where i grew up in, and finding a simple job to be occupied for a few months... maybe getting a pet (probably a cat). strength training 3 times a week, and some light cardio pushing myself to go swimming occasionally (because i know i do enjoy it whenever i push myself and go) finding people to go on hikes with improving my social life (because i know this is an area in which i have been lacking severely, and it's going to help me feel better to work on this) working on developing a slightly more stable sense of self-worth counteracting chronic shame through "opposite action": not hiding my body, going swimming despite insecurities about my body, talking to people and seeking interaction despite feeling scared and insecure,...

...feels frustrating that i can't seem to find better ways to describe this.

"it's nice to be here" ... seemed to be connected to a certain sense of being grounded in the present, and especially in present visual impressions (external, rather than internal/imaginary/thought-based) ...so, i suppose this is a certain kind of mindfulness. it made me a bit hyper-aware, but in a good way that felt almost spiritual. this state reminded me of the stress-management technique of calming down by grounding yourself in your environment...for example by looking for things that are green...then yellow...then pink, blue, and so on. i'm noting this down because it might help me access this state again later on. feels like this would be helpful and the way to go. it felt pleasant, just being present of being here, being aware. alive. it felt unhoped-for, but easy and effortless. clear. it felt good and right.

feeling a lot less depressed (and more alive) today, which is nice. i had thought about not going, but met up with a good friend, her boyfriend, and a friend of hers at a festival in town. it was quite nice just chatting and being present (aware, alive - there was a moment when i felt a bit more aware, looking at a toddler, and all those people around, and the visual impressions....felt quite present, and thought it's nice to be here, be alive...despite everything...). i noticed i was a lot more outgoing, walking almost with a bit of confidence in my posture, despite insecurities. i was also able to relax a bit and let go of the constant worries...which was really nice:) and something i wouldn't have hoped for in some bad moments a few days ago when it all seemed so hopeless. felt almost happy and joyful, for a few seconds here and there. i'm also trying to believe that people don't care quite as much about my appearance as i tend to think they do. meeting up with this particular friend, at least, i know it doesn't make any difference if i weigh 90lbs or 105 or 120...the connection is the same, fundamentally, and that's good to know. she would hardly treat me any differently based on my weight, and people generally don't care as much as i believe...maybe. from one pov. from the other it still matters so, so, so much...but from one pov it does not matter as much as i think it does.

i was going to sort it all into different categories, but it's probably easier for now to simply brainstorm at random: • i want my daughter (myself) to feel like she is allowed to honour her hunger. [i do not - and would never want for her - a lifetime of restrictive eating and going hungry.] • i want my daughter (myself) to feel comfortable and beautiful in her body. • i'd like to eat in such a way that i still feel comfortable enough to leave the house even after lunch and dinner. i.e. eat to feel satiated [but not physically stuffed or bloated]. • i'd like to be able to go swimming regardless of the time of day or the state of my stomach. i'd like to be able to wear the clothes that i find pretty, be able to post pictures of myself on the internet, have a profile picture and so on. i'd like to be able to work out in gym shorts and a sports bra [without feeling like i need to cover up and hide my body]. • i'd like to be able to live in the moment and enjoy life [without worrying too much about university, grades, a job, a career, being the best, getting straight As, being successful,...]. • maybe i would like to travel to Thailand...and i actually do have the resources to do so THIS YEAR, if i wanted to. ...will think about that. it would be something radically new for me to try, and a huge step in embodying the belief that i am alive and i am allowed to be alive; life can be good for me... • i would like to have/ i know i need a fulfilled social life in order to be happy. (> sub-goal i figured i should keep in mind for the next 30 days: seek at least 1 social interaction a day where i also express authentically a need/emotion that is present in that moment...so far that's been something i would have avoided a lot.) • i want to be at peace with my body. • i want to be healthy and able to enjoy nutritious food (dairy, eggs, organic fruit and vegetables, legumes, whole grains, healthy fats). • [i would not want my daughter to hurt/cut/starve/hate herself.] i would want my daughter to be kind to herself and treat herself well. i would want her to have friends and things she loves doing and feels passionate about. i would want her to feel happy. i would want her to be physically healthy, and emotionally grounded - to be able to see the inherent Beauty and justification of all emotions...able to process and feel through her emotions in a functional, and even loving, passionate, compassionate way. • speaking of my daughter lol... i want to have kids, experience pregnancy, experience motherhood! i want to be a good mum. • i want a loving, caring partner who supports me in life, who appreciates me (body, mind, and soul), who really sees me and gets me, who validates my emotional experience, who makes me feel beautiful, sexy, cute, and confident. who makes me feel so at ease that i can be fully me, relaxed, happy, sad, desperate, funny,...all the feels around him. • i want to be able to relax throughout the day. • i want to be able to treat myself to a massage, a pedicure,... every now and then. • lastly, one goal that's a bit more specific: i want to aim for a moderate caffeine consumption.

Creating Goals. what sort of world do i want to live in? what are the attributes of the life i want to live? what kind of life would i want my daughter to be able to live? how would i want my daughter to treat herself and take care of herself? what will make me happy in the long-term?

hi there:) so i figured it would make sense for me to start a new journal where i can focus on setting goals for myself, and also on buidling a more stable sense of self, and self-worth. the part of me that feels very lost, hopeless, and confused still wants to be heard (it is very insistent on that), so that tends to be what i do in my main journal and sometimes it's hard to allow a bit of positivity in there. for this reason, i figured it would be helpful to have a journal with the specific intention of creating a more positive outlook. setting goals for myself and knowing what i want is, somehow, incredibly scary and intimidating...but i believe it's something i can practice...so that's kind of the intention of this new journal: to create a space where i can focus more on creating goals and realistic sub-goals to achieving the life i want to live, "the world i want to live in". i know there's a lot of conflict and desperation inside of me concerning this topic...but all i can do is try, step by step. in addition, i'll also use this journal to reflect on the process of how to create goals in the first place, essentially answering what questions i can ask myself to find out what i want in life, and what i should do, and where i should go... for everyone who's been bothered by the negativity in my other journal (which is expressed there because most of all, it wants to be heard), you can think of this as a more positive journal. but it seems important to me, at least at this point, to allow and express both.

had a thai massage this morning, which was nice:)

@RendHeaven assuming i get enough protein, does it matter if i lean more on the low-carb or low-fat side of the spectrum? or in other words, should i be focussing on carbs or healthy fats? i feel a bit uncertain in that regard. it's probably not good for me to be too restrictive, so a balance of both? also, bloating has actually been a bit of an issue these past few days. i guess my body doesn't know how to feel satiated without being physically full (tons of protein and fibre), and i wonder if that is best fixed with more complex carbs or healthy fats. my hunger and satiety cues are still a bit messed up because of restriction history, which is bothering me a bit and causing some discomfort. ...let me know if it's too many questions btw:) it's just that you seem knowledgeable in this area.

@RendHeaven ok, thanks:)

@RendHeaven i've got another question, if you don't mind. how long should i plan each session at the gym to take? cause there are so many things i want to try that everything ends up taking a lot of time, and i might have been overdoing it this week, wanting to try everything. today i felt quite tired and couldn't really do as much as i would have liked to do. i'm trying to space things out so that i have three workout days a week with rest days inbetween, and then maybe also go swimming on Sundays.

...still feeling really upset because of that conversation i had with my mum yesterday. she said all the wrong things in an entirely wrong tone that made everything so much worse for me. (impulse: i'll never ever talk to her again *which i don't mean but the impulse is there, cause i feel hurt).

...i'm trying to address this one step at a time and try a lot of new things. sooner or later that's gotta pay off somehow.

i feel like i need someone to help me with all of this, cause it's all too much. i'm trapped with a brain that's constantly calling myself or my parents ugly, that gets anxious in most environments because of random noise that i can't do anything about, i'm struggling with my body, my thesis, my future, my social life....everything is so intricate and there are no easy solutions, there are so, so, so many subtleties at play and i feel completely powerless trying to fix any of this or ever achieving any significant amount of improvement anywhere. life will always be a struggle. i think depression and hopelessness is generally a lot higher than it was just about 2 weeks ago. i'm really fighting, i'm really trying to act wisely now and to put all my theoretical knowledge into practice...but it's all SO DAMN HARD.

i hate myself

...still had a pretty rough day today. when i was trying to do my afternoon embroidery and work on my thesis, my neighbour started his opera singing practice and it felt like needles piercing right through me. i grabbed my stuff and almost ran outside while my anxiety was going through the roof. ... waited a bit, then came back, contemplated whether to go get some distraction skills (ammonium and so forth), opted to self-harm instead. because if i work on the tension, there's still the emotion, which i have been trying but failing to resolve for days. and i'm constantly trying to figure out a solution to my situation, and failing. (later i considered that this was bad because once again i taught my brain that cutting is the only way to cope with high stress levels.) wrote a few texts to my mum and we spoke on the phone this evening. it was a rather invalidating, triggering conversation (of course it was) and her tone only made me feel more uncomfortable and anxious. aaaah! ....feelig so unsteady, SO overwhelmed! i hate myself, i'm struggling. trying so hard to fix my LIFE but i don't know if i can make it happen. i'm trying so, so, so hard, why isn't this working?? i thought i was smart lol, why do i suck this bad? life is so messy i can't find any solutions for anything, because everything always turns out more complicated than it should be and nothing works out as smoothly and easily as it should. (like my thesis. like finding a therapist to work with. like having a basic conversation with my mother without feeling emotionally invalidated and hurt and ugly. talking to my mother about my emotional problems should feel beautiful and helpful - she only made me feel misunderstood and ugly and real bad about myself.) ouch! it's all so much. why is no one helping me? i feel like i 1000% would need a therapist to explain to.me all of the subtleties of my situation. this is too much for me to cope with. i don't know how to fix all of this. i don't know how to fix my life or how to live a good life, or even a tolerable life where i don't have to be anxious 24/7. I FEEL SO UGLY!. this is all too much. just way too much to deal with, way too much to tolerate or work with.

@RendHeaven thank you very much:)

aaaah....i'm sorry! yeah i'm starting to have a bum now. it's quite the experience. never really understood the hype around why people care about that visually, but it feels nice having one lol. especially when wearing dresses. i believe it may be a combination of bloating and bad posture for me. i'll address both:) which are the muscles i need to train to fix the posture issue? (TVA, like you said?) i think i'm doing an exercise for that at the gym where i press something down with my chest.

@RendHeaven thank you, that's very sweet of you:) 1) i'm trying....mostly just sharing the darker thoughts here, too, because they want to be heard. otherwise i feel like i'm all on my own and no one sees what i'm battling all the time. that's why i tend to share more of the negative bits than the positive counter-arguments...but i guess i should be trying to focus more on those...will do. 2) i know that other women can look beautiful and lean even at higher bmis, but i sort of feel like i'm the exception because of the way my face is naturally shaped and because i am short and have got a very narrow bone structure, so i easily get that chubby look, i think. but yes, theoretically you're right and i'm trying to give that a chance. 3) yes that's what i intend to do:) i'm also trying to let go of all those comparisons, but it's been rough these first two weeks, given that i'm new to all of this. i know that thinness isn't the only one way to measure beauty - it's just the one parameter i've habitually focussed on for so long, because that makes for a very simple and clear-cut definition of how i think i can compensate my sense of inferiority. 4) how do you think my posture affects how my lower belly sticks out? i have never considered this possibility before. i always thought it had something to do with indigestion or bloating. 5) there are a lot of other areas in my life that are seeping with instability that i genuinely do not know how to resolve. the body image issue is just the tip of the iceberg.

@RendHeaven thank you:) i know there are also lots of recovery channels on YouTube. at times i do feel understood, listening to some of them.