Judy2

in the past few days i've been thinking...i could feel so excited about Life, get this dreamy vibe and "inloveness" ALL THE TIME. things could be so good...but there always seems to be something that's not quite right, and it ruins everything.

"Science cannot solve the ultimate mystery of nature. And that is because, in the last analysis, we ourselves are part of the mystery that we are trying to solve." ~ Max Planck

so the new thing is now i'm sobbing all the time. not just crying, but hard, heavy sobbing. doesn't feel nice at all cause there is a lot of despair that's being felt, but afterwards i tend to feel a little calmer.

i feel like i am slowly dissolving. and it doesn't feel right when it's happening with me alone and in silence, with no one to see it or hold me as i am going through these weird shifts and releases i hate it when i'm being strong and courageous, i didn't choose this all i ever wanted is to be weak and taken care of now i am weak and i am vulnerable, in a true and genuine way for once. everything is falling apart, i am falling apart....and i just wish someone could hold me while i'm feeling all the things that i feel.

it hurts. clarity comes and goes, and when it's gone again i can feel so incredibly inferior. i'm so ugly, i'm not good enough.

Wisdom tells me i am Nothing. Love tells me i am Everything. Between the two my Life flows. ~ Nisargadatta Maharaj

"beyonding."

"laisse-moi tomber afin que je puisse réaliser que j'étais toujours capable de voler"

every "moment" is so new and fresh and crystal clear

"A woman especially, if she has the misfortune of knowing any thing, should conceal it as well as she can." Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

sometimes i can see something sweet and good and beautiful in myself i'm scared though and have a hard time allowing for this perspective to solidify i KNOW that i'm not good enough, that i'm not perfect - and i guess i want people to know that i know this. at least i'm not deluded about being pretty or smart or more likeable than i actually am then. at least no one can say i am arrogant or too confident about the wrong things.

i think we all are actually very deeply in love with Life. to the point that this Love is inexpressible. it's just that sometimes we get so caught up in our twisted emotional patterns and stories. but even when you think you hate "your" life, you will always be in Love with Life itself. always. no matter how much you hate everything else, you cannot escape this tiny spark of Love that shines at the root of every single thing and being. find it, and let it grow.

i don't wanna be "respected" i wanna be wanted and admired

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream." ~ Edgar Allan Poe

i'm scared of needing to be someone in this life. if i weren't there, nothing about me could be wrong.

some things in this world are simply too beautiful for me. i wish they could just be without me. i wish they could be for someone more beautiful and perfect than me, cause i simply don't fit in here.

i guess i'm just a terribly awkward person, and that's always the first thing that shines through when i'm not actively censoring myself. maybe i express some emotions and attitudes too freely in environments where i actually shouldn't. no idea what i can do about this, other than to apologise constantly and compulsively. "i'm a bad person, i literally am so weird" "i'm sorry"