Judy2

@Wilhelm44yup, thank you:)

had a helpful call with my counsellor overcame the initial resistance and got back to working on my thesis played the piano

this one's a bit odd, but i have noticed that every time i have a writing consultation (whether that be online or in person), i get these ASMR-like effects (tingling sensations in my brain and so forth). i've had these consultations at irregular intervals throughout the past few years and it's happened very consistently in this context, but not in other similar contexts (meeting friends, or speaking with therapists 1:1 and sitting opposite them the way i would in front of my writing consultant). this also happens independent of who my consultant is and independent of their gender. ...i find this a bit odd and don't know how to explain it to myself. maybe it's about receiving this kind of close personal attention, not sure.

@Wilhelm44 hey:) sorry, i read your message but then forgot to reply. there are a couple of things that are causing chronic stress for me: 1) mental health problems, constant worries about self-worth, body image, if everything's okay with me/if something's wrong with me 2) i am quite sensitive to noise and other triggers in my environment. in the town where i go to university, i live in a building with lots of tiny apartments and i hear people in the hallway all the time. the guy in the apartment right next to mine studies music and it's super triggering for me when he practises singing. right now i am staying at my parents' house, which is a bit quieter, but when dad is home, he can be triggering, too, because he's loud and noisy and leaves his clutter everywhere. i don't know how to strike a healthy balance between seeing that i have the power to make my environment more pleasant, and accepting that apparently, no matter where i go (run), there'll always be a couple of disturbing factors in my environment. 3) my thesis - i don't know how to manage writing it. (also related to the self-worth issue, i believe). ...that being said: i have ordered the l-theanine just now, as you recommended. i also started supplementing ashwagandha a few weeks ago, but so far, i haven't noticed much of an effect from that.

@Schizophonia ok:)

hi there:) i hope this question doesn't sound all too stupid or naive...but i've been wondering if it might be worth a try to buy a blood glucose monitor and try it out for a few days to help me get a better feel for what my body's energy needs are. while i do know a lot about nutrition, i am struggling with food for emotional reasons and have difficulty understanding my fullness and satiety cues. buying a blood glucose monitor is quite a financial investment, but perhaps it might be worth it if it helps me get a better feel for what my body needs (when, how much, which combination of macronutrients). i don't plan on becoming obsessive about it, it might just be a useful tool to assist me in becoming more intuitive about my relationship with food again, and i don't plan on needing the monitor in the long term...trying it for a few weeks, though, could help me understand a few things about my intake and how it affects my mood and energy levels throughout the day. if i see a curve on paper, i could possibly match it with my intake at different times of the day and see how this affects my subjectively felt experience as well, then draw some useful conclusions based on that. i could totally do that without a blood sugar curve, but perhaps it's useful to have one nonetheless...kind of like counting the days of my cycle because then i know where i am at with my mood, hormones, and energy levels. ...i'm curious to hear if you have any thoughts on this....if this is a silly idea or if there might be something to it:) apologies if this is stupid<3

negative/challenging: i'm still quite unproductive and don't know how to proceed with my thesis/lost motivation to keep trying only watched videos all afternoon because i felt that i had no energy/motivation to be productive it's still stressful to be around dad when he gets home from work, and he was quite noisy this evening, and he makes ugly sounds when he eats and even when he drinks water hopefulness: writing consultation and counselling tomorrow; maybe this will help and give me a new idea as to how to proceed. played the piano; it felt good.

i think it largely depends on the specific demographic of women you're sampling. personally, the videos you linked aren't content i would consume on a regular basis, i wouldn't find it particularly valuable or worthwhile. and from time to time i love a good documentary about black holes. i have a friend who is a doctor and who is also really interested in music. 90% of her female friends are doctors and i imagine most of them wouldn't find the videos you linked above appealing. another friend of mine is really interested in literature and the media. so this really depends on the person, individual upbringing, and god knows what else. making personal interests a matter of gender vastly oversimplifies us. of course there are some general trends, but there are so many other factors involved. i haven't followed the whole conversation so maybe my view on what's been said isn't entirely accurate. that being said, i agree that when i want to discuss men on here, it's usually about individual men and their behaviour, rather than men as a collective group without making any further distinctions...because there are often so many other important factors involved that determine an individual's behaviour, other than their sex/gender...if i run into problems with men i tend to think of them as individual problems and usually a matter of how mature/immature both participants in that conflict are, and i don't make it about all men on this planet. maybe i should lol.

@Salvijus that's great to hear:)

doing good today:) good mood, good body image:) my belly seems flatter and more okay than on other days had a nice time at the gym:) it's fascinating to me how a few days ago, my belly seemed problematic and way too big, and now it's almost fine and thin and my silhouette as a whole feels a lot more acceptable. my hunger- and satiety cues today seem reasonable and reliable...it feels good to think that maybe i am starting to heal in this regard, and starting to better understand my body and be well-regulated around food. trying to relax:) and just letting myself have a good day

good mood this morning? weighed myself and the number was quite reassuring wearing one of my favourite dresses (the one with the white top and long flower skirt) and i feel quite comfortable and relatively okay with my physique for now had a protein iced coffee bought myself some freshly cut pineapple while waiting for an appointment in town sitting in the sun right now i tend not to notice, because it happens gradually and i'm often focussed on the areas where things are still off and causing me suffering, but my relationship with food has probably already improved and stabilised a lot. i'm a little less overwhelmed at the shops, don't feel as triggered or as though there are too many options to choose from, i don't feel as though i have to buy everything, i don't feel as though everything i buy has to be eaten that same day, i can have dried fruit and nuts and nut butter around without feeling nervous, and without wanting to (or having to) finish it all in one sitting, or even two or three...so, pretty good that this has started to cool down, and perhaps this trend will continue and i'll be able to become even more intuitive and regulated around food:) i really hope so. extreme hunger (which i still experienced from time to time a couple of weeks ago) has also disappeared completely and i'm not bingeing or anything...my caloric intake is probably very consistent and similar on most days - still pretty high though - even without me counting calories (only very roughly but i'm not making food choices based on that).

negatives/challenges: being around dad can be stressful body image concerns had some challenging emotions and thoughts this morning not getting on with my thesis and i don't know how to proceed positives/gratitudes/feel-good-moments: tidied up my parents' house and it lifted up my mood went cycling around the village this evening when i felt that i had the energy to do so our garden is nice went outside for an evening walk and had a positive, relaxed call with my mum (for once!) dad drove me into town and picked me up again from the library today, which is quite a privilege/luxury and i should appreciate that dad and i watched a documentary about colours and the impact they have on our psyche. it was interesting and inspiring. mum and grandma had a nice holiday and are spending quality time together...so i'm glad that they are well

i don't know what it is that today is such a struggle trying to deal with it, somehow and give myself a break...just trying to relax and be nice to myself. i'm trying! it's difficult

i'm sitting outside and it's nice, with the soft wind on my skin

i feel very frustrated. i am trying so hard to get a hold of everything, i am trying so hard to deal with my emotions...and still i can't seem to shake them right now, they're overpowering, they're too much, i can't feel good. i feel sad that this is the case, i feel sad that this is such a struggle. i feel worried because the thesis seems like an insurmountable challenge again, given my general mental state.

i feel despair...i don't feel able to concentrate on my thesis, and i don't know what else to do with myself instead. it's all too much. i just wanna pull a blanket over my head, curl up in bed and wait, pretend like i'm not here. it's all too much and i don't know what to do if i can't focus on my work.

i'd know how to make myself lose weight...but i don't know how to achieve equilibrium; mental, physical, and emotional health; an effortless relationship with food, body, mind, and soul - which is what i actually seek in the long term, and what will actually make me happy.

sorry to anyone reading my endless rambling:) i feel a bit embarrassed for sharing all of this with no filters on. i think i understand what my problem is though. i feel as though i don't deserve empathy for current body image struggles because they could easily be fixed by a bit of restriction and weight loss, and if i'm resisting that it's my own fault...so then i feel twice as bad. it would be up to me to fix all of this and lose weight again, and i'm choosing not to cause that's not wise two months into recovery, when i was underweight and had no period 2 months ago, and my brain and body are still distrustful AND i know that forcing myself into restriction briefly fixes body image concerns but doesn't help me achieve the kind of healthy, effortless balance i would love to achieve in the long term. still, i feel very guilty for resisting the "quick fix" cause now every time i complain about my size it's all my fault and my responsibility that i look this way.

i'm stupid...because i pretend as though i believe in recovery, when i actually don't. i just don't believe in being sick anymore, that it would bring me the kind of happiness and sense of completion that i had always hoped it would, so i kind of have to pretend like i am all pro-self-love...when i'm really not and i'm still very sceptical of that. very phoney of me. i just pretend like i'm all pro-recovery now because i'm not pro-being sick anymore, and what's the alternative?...but in truth, i'm still very conflicted. ouch. i am sorry for being this way! i feel as though everything about me is wrong and ugly.

and....as to not gaslight myself: i think i looked better when i was slimmer. (not some imaginary other people). i just think it's no good getting back there through compulsion, restriction, and self-punishment. so i put a lot of faith forward (do i???) into healing myself instead, and harmonising my emotions and my body and my lifestyle and my relationship with food. whatever happens to my body when i am happy will be right for me. right? i don't know. maybe that is naive. and i don't believe in that. but it's kind of my only choice, because i don't believe in restriction and illness helping me be happy in the long term, either. ...and i can see that it is taking me a lot of energy to be thinking about this every day, and that this makes it harder to work on my thesis. ...so yes, it's still not a bad idea to get more support (therapy) soon. fighting for myself, trying really hard, and getting help aren't mutually exclusive. *** sorry if all of this is too much. i feel as though it is. sorry. i feel stupid for "handling recovery all on my own" when i am obviously doing a miserable job at it - cause look! look how i am obsessing over it and feeling insecure and questioning everything and on and on. it's taking way too much mental energy right now...it probably would be better and healthier if it didn't take so much....and i'm not sure if this is "necessary work" i put into it, or if it's a sign that i am doing it all wrong because i am too doubtful or whatever. this is rough.

[feeling confused, scared, overwhelmed. struggling!] ...it's probably necessary to radically force myself into deliberate positive focus for a bit: my current bmi is 20, so my weight is not a health concern, my body probably doesn't know or see any reason to be concerned right now my head keeps assuming that my dad and brother also thought that i was too big yesterday...but it probably hasn't even crossed their minds - dad looks at the mountains in those photos, i look at the size of my body and think that my body makes the photo ugly. there are things about me that i find cute. every now and then i see something about my body that i like, some aspect that i find good and cute. at least i got bigger breasts again i am fit and taking care of myself and prioritising exercise that i find enjoyable. i am starting to enjoy working out and doing my cardio, i am probably fitter than i have ever been in my life, and i am doing this as a form of self-care, an enjoyable activity....rather than compulsion or self-inflicted punishment to "burn calories". i know beautiful women with higher bmis and i would never tell them "you're too much" people who look at me might find me beautiful, cute, attractive without actively thinking "she'd be prettier if she was thinner" the way i tend to do i acknowledge that it is pretty unique and extraordinary of me to be handling the whole recovery process, including weight restoration, on my own again, without a therapist and without anyone other than myself actively witnessing this process i am undergoing, the emotions and thoughts i have to tackle every day. i might feel guilty for this...but i may also see that this is incredibly strong and brave of me...because i am showing up for myself every day and i am willing to deal with my emotions and be here. i am not doing this for a therapist or because anyone told me to (chances are, if i'd waited for a therapist to tell me it's okay to recover, i would have outsourced responsibility and resisted it even more). i am doing this with full conviction, for myself, because i believe that i am worthy of it and that i deserve to have a good life. i am doing this because i love myself and want to be good to myself and live a good life, and so i am willing to take on massive emotional labour for the sake of healing myself and gaining self-awareness. this is something that most people are not willing or able to do, and it speaks to unique emotional strength and intelligence that i am doing something as radical and difficult as this....basically reprogramming my whole psyche, on my own, by and for myself. this is brave and i see that it takes massive strength and i respect that and appreciate it, and see the value in how hard i am trying. i see that there is a lot of power in my soul, and that i can use this to make good, beautiful things happen. people may not see the fight i am fighting, or may look at me and think i am too big and there is no way that this is me fighting an eating disorder and fighting the urge to restrict, and they may think that i should lose weight again to look more like the beauty standard and that would be so good of me and how come i actively put a lot of emotional labour into resisting ed-urges to restrict when restriction would be good and healthy for me because i'd look so much more perfect ...but i see the struggle, and i respect it and see the infinite courage and effort it takes. ...i see it. i validate it. i respect it. i see my struggle to achieve balance, and no one else sees it, and so no one else can really judge me for it. the bloating issue will be taken care of! it will be resolved eventually, i will resolve it. as my relationship with my body, my emotions, and food improves and becomes more intuitive, my looks may still change. i will end up looking good! i will end up beautiful and with the kind of lifestyle, the kind of lived emotional experience that makes me feel good - not just about body image, not just for those 5 seconds i see myself in the mirror - but holistically. i fully, whole-heartedly believe that this is possible for me. it must be possible. "Home" is everywhere. i cannot run from the conflicts, cannot exorcise them from my home the way i would wish to, i can never find a better home than here...so i might feel desperate the way i always do, and say "i don't have a home, i'm never at home, always lost" - because conflicts are everywhere. OR i may invite them in, hold space for the good and the bad...and realise that i am already at home, no matter where i go. and i may deal with the good and the bad safely, from a relaxed place, as part of the life that i choose to participate in with my full loving attention. i am always already safe, and i am safe to be with and feel my emotions. i am beautiful and i am worthy, and WHAT IF i NEVER had to question that again? WHAT IF i can just decide on that now, decide that i am beautiful and worthy - and that's the end of it? if that is already decided, the emotions may keep coming up - but i'll embrace them lovingly. and i am always already safe. and there's no need at all to worry or be scared...because i've already decided that i am worthy and beautiful...and the rest will fall into place accordingly. i can detach food from this idea of needing to happen in a safe haven, and only there, because the reality is that food happens right in the middle of this messy, chaotic, scary, vast, black-and-white-and grey- and colourful life. i cannot separate food from life, and i cannot separate life from conflict. so if i want to live, i have to tolerate that food will coexist in environments where conflicts exist - all separation that i try to create in this regard keeps failing, and it keeps me feeling stressed out. instead of fighting it, i may accept that...accepting that will probably be the only thing that can ever help me normalise my relationship with food. - food happens right in the middle of this chaotic, scary life - and what does that mean, if i choose not to restrict (restricting = waiting until life is all pure and white and i may eat again, because i may only eat if all conflict is gone...but that has never really worked out the way i wanted it to)? it means that i can learn to regulate my emotions and my sense of self-worth completely independent of food choice - and that i don't need to over- or undereat in response to emotions. it takes a lot of getting used to, but ultimately, this is the only way. *sorry if this is not all too coherent...i don't have the time to go over and edit it all. sorry if there's arrogance in that, i don't mean it to sound that way. it's probably expressed in too absolute terms...i don't know if this is feasible in practice. whatever...i am trying. [i feel ugly, i feel as though i am not good enough, i feel as though all of the above sounds stupid and delusional and wrong. i feel vulnerable sharing all of the above, i feel as though it renders me vulnerable to be attacked, i feel as though it renders me vulnerable to being criticised for the way i look now?? which is an odd thing to say, i guess. maybe i feel safer saying "hey look i have this body, but i hate it"...cause then people will agree and i am safe. it's an odd thing to say that i have this body and i hate it but that's just an emotion and i am currently working really hard on this emotion because restriction isn't healthy for me...i feel as though people don't believe that or value that or respect that, or think i'm being stupid and will just tell me "hey look, really, you should just go and lose weight again to have a bmi of 18 and then everything will be okay!"....i feel scared. sorry for this mess...]

dad made me look at the pictures from yesterday's hike and i'm now having a major body image crisis...

i'm feeling confused and emotional, a bit unsteady... maybe that's okay? i'm not sure, i'm scared, it's all a bit much.

feeling scared and overwhelmed. i just want to be safe! can i? am i??? i'm so confused.

i'm trying to answer all this "what should i do" with...whatever promotes health and self-love and happiness and peace of mind in the long-term....yada, yada, yada. peace of mind is a good one, though...it came to me just now:) either way, it is scary. feels wrong. so, so, so wrong! cause it's almost like i'm "supposed" to be ill and dysfunctional by now...i want myself to be that, i am that, it's what i'll always be. ... i don't know. it feels difficult right now, to know how to keep safe.