Judy2

i'm still really annoyed with mum right now. for all sorts of reasons. she's a good mother. always trying to be supportive, never lets me down. but sometimes we get in each other's way with our emotions and the things we say. even though we ultimately both want the same thing: to both be happy and get along well.

James Blunt has been missing here mostly because i couldn't decide which songs i'd prefer to have in my journal. i actually got to see him live last year:) the location was pretty posh and i felt a little underdressed and anxious, but it was still a great experience. on stage his presence is more powerful than you'd expect and he isn't as much of a softie lol....although technically he's an INFJ just like me, which explains a lot ♡

this year might have been the messiest, most chaotic one i've had so far. lots of back-and-forth decision-making in numerous areas of my life, so much so that it's almost ridiculous. where do i live, what do i do, when am i where, who am i with, etc. i don't appreciate the uncertainty, constantly having to revise my plans and come up with something new. i can do a little bit of that, but this year it has definitely been too much. i would love to relax and worry less, and at this point i'm really working on that. but it's still a lot, and i feel so, so much at times. i just want to have faith that it will all be okay....now can i? and how will that help....?

i'm supposed to be writing one of my last term papers right now, but my teacher can't be bothered to reply to my emails and i'll need an extension of the deadline anyway....so procrastination it is. this morning i went to see a social worker on campus and didn't think much of it until he said something crucial about how i should apply for the Bachelor programme in psychology before i got my degree in British Studies, and not after, as this would significantly influence my chances of being accepted for the programme. i'm glad that i got this piece of information in time. now i'm thinking about how and where i'll spend the next 13 months before i can get started with psychology. i'm trying to be positive and relaxed, have faith that it will all work out just fine - but at the same time i'm still a bit stressed and overwhelmed. in general i've been trying to worry less - a) it's unnecessary and b) it's not helping -, although oftentimes i find that i'm still very agitated, even if i know and try to believe that everything's alright. in those situations i tend to write in my private journal over and over again how i see that it's all okay, all good, everything's okay!, it's okay! it's all okay!....but then that itself becomes such an obsessive thing to do. anyway, in the next two to three weeks i'll still be super busy finishing my last three papers. i wasn't too worried about that until a few days ago, but now i'm starting to feel stressed and overwhelmed. well, i guess i'll have to try and enjoy the process, do things one step at a time. it's okay. it'll be okay...

so i'm staying with my grandma again. for some reason, watering the plants in her garden is the most calming, meditative job ever:)

@RickyFitts yes, i think i do it to stay safe and make sure that everything's okay. i'm always on the lookout for something that could potentially be wrong, so that it won't surprise me in an inconvenient moment later on.

i am sick of this constant need to know, understand, interpret and analyse my life. is this normal? is it actually necessary to overthink and analyse things as much as i do? - i have absolutely no idea. regardless, i don't understand what's going on. i don't know what's going to happen. ...can i just leave it at that? sometimes i really don't know what i should think or feel. and then what do i feel?? what do i do? right now i'm strangely calm and relaxed....which i find alarming. maybe i should be having a major meltdown right now? maybe in a few hours or days i'll feel super horrible about myself again?

Was es ist - Erich Fried Es ist Unsinn sagt die Vernunft Es ist was es ist sagt die Liebe Es ist Unglück sagt die Berechnung Es ist nichts als Schmerz sagt die Angst Es ist aussichtslos sagt die Einsicht Es ist was es ist sagt die Liebe Es ist lächerlich sagt der Stolz Es ist leichtsinnig sagt die Vorsicht Es ist unmöglich sagt die Erfahrung Es ist was es ist sagt die Liebe

good things that have happened lately • on Friday i went on a hike with two of my closest friends. all in all, it was a positive experience and i am glad we did this. • i'm still happy whenever i make sure my apartment is clean and tidy. • i went for a short run this morning. • i started reading a book about colour analysis. it's an easy read, doesn't cause any negative emotions and perhaps getting back into reading will help me reduce my screen time. • i got a good mark for one of my papers even though i didn't try super hard. • i'll be visiting my grandma soon and i am looking forward to it. • currently i'm not super depressed and feel like i have a number of 'projects' going on. i always have a few ideas as to what i could do next, and things can be simple in the sense that they can feel like unambiguous improvements (like making my living space more beautiful, prioritising proper skin care, improving my language skills etc). even when things feel really dramatic or wrong in one area of my life, i can focus on simpler things and they tend to lift me up. they also provide a sense of positive immersion and stability as opposed to the dreadful feeling of being lost, scared or unstable.

i'm a little angry at myself because of something i've been noticing in regards to some of my posts in the more active discussion threads. so sometimes, as one does, i have an opinion on something and feel like it might be a valuable contribution to a given topic. but then i'm so insecure if i even perceive things correctly - i don't trust my gut, i'm scared that people will think i'm overreacting - such that i end up toning down what i actually wanted to say, perhaps using the wrong words....and i know i could just say nothing when i'm not sure and too scared, but the truth is i want to be able to speak my mind, even when i'm scared and even if there's a risk that i will feel embarrassed or misunderstood later...i want to be able to point out the things that i see....but then i really am so scared that no one will agree with what i say and maybe i just perceive things incorrectly because of all of my own emotional biases, and people here will hate me for sharing certain perspectives then... basically every time i'm trying to make a point i say "maybe i'm just sensitive" - and i am, especially when it comes to language. i notice things, i notice words and expressions, and i notice the impact they have on me. now is that a bad thing, or is it a valuable perspective to add? is it annoying and overly meticulous, or does it reveal something important? then i choose my own words very carefully because i don't want to offend anybody. it's frustrating afterwards when i find out i could have voiced a stronger opinion in favour of my previous position and it would have actually been understood more easily if i hadn't been so careful and shy about the words that i choose... ultimately the frustrating part is that i never know if i can trust myself, i never know if i'm over- or underreacting, if i am over- or underestimating myself. the same dynamic is causing me difficulty in other areas, for example regarding my body image or the degree to which i think my "authentic self" might be "too loud" in social interactions...i never know if the space i'm taking up is just right, or if i'm too much.

....and i found another one. thanks for making me look @at_anchor

i can feel myself getting sentimental....hate it. perhaps it's just all too much - time and change, the good and the bad, and the good despite the good and the bad. i know i will probably move to another city soon, but then sometimes i notice that despite my general lack of roots here, there are still good things, good people, that i'll have to leave behind. this morning i was at the library with my friend Sara. on our way back i couldn't help but think that she's been a good friend and neighbour to me, and i've tried to be a good friend to her, too. we supported each other mutually while going through a number of our very own, unique, challenging life situations. makes me cry... i think Life is just too huge for me. too complex. it's beautiful, but also quite brutal. ....and then i notice how i'm getting lost thinking too much about how i feel and what's going on, such that i can barely focus on anything else. why can't i just feel joy and appreciation for what is, rather than thinking all the time about the things that are wrong, or about how i'll inevitably have to leave things behind sooner or later?

okay i have to add another point. i HATED the Billie Eilish song they played at the end of the film. it's really quite horrible. horribly sad and deep. i find it hard to see how everything seems to be so intermingled nowadays. like it's a comedy and it's fun, but at the same time they're addressing the deepest existential troubles and emotions of despair, confusion and sadness. it's kind of twice as bad when we all know it's a film made for kids, but then as an adult it feels so heavy and the song is everything but a happy ending. i hate that as an adult, there's this whole new layer revealed, where everything light and sweet comes with a side of heaviness, and you can't separate the two. and that's exactly what the song is about, which makes it so much more horrible. the Universe really is mocking me. (or maybe i'm just really good at overinterpreting....or maybe both...) so somehow it is required of me to hold space for both, to be happy and sad, "cause that's what adults have to do". would be so much easier if i could just decide on one and stick with it. but everything seems so complicated when there's both, when there's so much. i don't feel resilient enough to navigate all of this. i don't feel resilient. ....speaking of which, another video i have been wanting to share here. might be a little awkward cause it is so out of context, but this is from a show that was recommended to me and it's basically the same thing: a comedy that gets so sad, even though it's never really explicitly sad, but it's still impossible to miss it. i was sobbing pretty hard throughout this scene... ~ sometimes i notice that i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing...

i really haven't been doing great today and spent most of the time just feeling bad about myself. then later a friend and i went to see the new Barbie film. it was actually quite nice and i mean it's trying at least a tiny bit to be construct-aware. i liked that they said there's an anxiety Barbie and an OCD Barbie....made us all feel very represented. and i also liked that the last line was "i'm here to see my gynecologist". when the film was over i left not knowing if i feel better or worse than before. maybe both. or maybe i do feel better for now, but my life is still full of problems. like the fact that my face isn't perfectly symmetrical.

it confuses me when i really do feel the way i feel, but then i am supposed to assume that i am just playing it up unnecessarily.

i normally don't, but in the past few days i have been feeling ashamed of myself for having all these mental problems, and for feeling the way i feel. maybe it's all my fault. it's just one more thing that's wrong with me and if i was wiser and more intelligent, i wouldn't be struggling as much. ...am i not allowed to feel hurt? it hurts all the more when people tell me to simply drop it, tell me to un-want and un-need love and support. i don't think that's how it works. if it did work that way, all of this would be resolved much quicker. i wouldn't have needed to let all the hurt eat me up and eat away at my body. i could have contained that hurt somehow, would have been able to tuck it away and hide it. but i couldn't do that, and now the only thing i'm ever told is that it's inappropriate for me to be so sad all the time. then the other side of this is that of course, in a way i like sitting in bed and sobbing until my face is soaked. when i'm healthy, will i just lose my ability to cry like that? i don't wanna lose that... i don't wanna stop feeling.

...well now i'm embarrassed. cause apparently i'm a little cringe.

@Salvijus lol:)

i would like to show some gratitude and appreciation for the positive things that have been happening lately. feels a bit weird but perhaps it's a good step:) .................................................... • i have a new neighbour and we already went on a walk together. he seems really nice and i imagine it's good for me to get to know some people. • i'm almost done with my final exams. and by final i mean FINAL - after that it's only term papers (which isn't necessarily better, but okay) and my thesis and i'll be done with my BA. • i appreciate that my living space is a little cleaner, tidier and more welcoming these days. • i have been selling and giving away some items that i no longer need. and i didn't do so as to "reject them"; instead i showed appreciation and hope that they will bring joy to other people who can make better use of them. • white tops and t-shirts suit me. which is super random but i like it every time. • the cover of my current (non-digital) journal is really beautiful, with different flowers on it but in a way that doesn't look silly, childish or cheap. • i love the song i linked above. • i will keep learning Portuguese, even though i no longer need the credits:) it's a beautiful language. also, i think my social anxiety during Portuguese class got at least a tiny bit better throughout the course of the semester. in the beginning i was just so overwhelmed. • i just remembered one moment a few weeks ago, when i folded my umbrella inside the building after our Portuguese lesson. then an exchange student from Italy was like "that's bad luck!", i was like "whatever i have bad luck already, this won't make any difference", and then that other girl called Clarissa told me that negative+negative =positive...something like that. and it's kind of stupid but i really appreciated that she cared enough to tell me that. for me it did make a difference, even though it's just words.

right now i feel lost, lonely and unsafe. and i feel like i need someone to take care of me, but there's no one there.