Judy2

i live in a 20m2 apartment rn. the floor is yellow. for the love of God, i cannot comprehend who could possibly think that that's a good idea. the thing is that, since i already have an undergraduate degree, i believe i'd feel a whole lot more self-efficacy if i could put it to good use and really contribute in a way that expresses my unique skills and abilities, if that makes sense? i'm 24 and i don't want to be working minimum wage jobs (nor live in ugly apartments) forever. i think my skills are worth something and i'd like opportunities to actually let people reap the benefits. i'd feel so much better about myself on a day to day basis if i could be of real service.

@Schizophonia thanks for your concern. i am stable for now. the tendency to eat very high volume, low-calorie food and rely on artificial sweeteners is a bit of a remnant of my ed, but since i see this kind of behaviour being promoted a lot among 'healthy' people (without ed history) on social media these days, i'm second guessing a little bit. in general, i haven't entirely figured out what way of eating is actually good for me. i try to accept that and just ask questions as they arise.

@Joseph Maynor i know i'd need roughly 2.000€ a month to pay the rent for a nice apartment and comfortably cover all other costs.

@PsychedelicEagle that's a very high fat yoghurt. don't you guys also have high protein greek yoghurt with less fat (in the US, i assume)? i've heard conflicting stories about collagen and how it might be useless because it's broken down during digestion anyway. but maybe that doesn't matter.

@Sugarcoat :)

@PsychedelicEagle are you vegan?

is it bad to generate a website using AI? it looks alright to me, but i do not have a clue about these things and maybe there are some caveats i wouldn't be aware of?

@Majedok:) trusting the process is unnerving, but i know you are right.

@CARDOZZO the thing is, i don't even know if freelancing is something that works well for the kind of personality i have. i think i'd do pretty well being employed, having a contract and everything. i do well with security and when an external frame is provided by somebody else. but i'd have to get a 2-year master's degree to get any sort of employment in the language/literature field, so even if i choose that, i'm not getting what i need NOW, which is stability and this feeling of being at home and knowing i can settle. i can't settle and stop feeling stressed if i know i have to constantly work toward the future. and even if i got that master's degree, i wouldn't know if i'd be happy working as a teacher/textbook author/whatever forever. so idk if the two years are worth it. and meanwhile, i'd still have to live with this stupid feeling i'm battling a lot atm, and i just don't know how to make it stop and how to feel okay again and like i'm on the right track.

i feel very stupid and alone. stuck with a ton of emotions that i don't know how to handle. i just don't understand this world or myself or how to make things okay. how to make any of it make sense. i don't know anything. why this is such a constant struggle. it's all so so so much. no matter what i do, it's futile. i don't know what to do. can someone please just tell me what to do, and i'll do it? i would call someone but there's no one i can call and be honest with, and then i notice just how alone i am every second of every day, no matter how horrifyingly crowded some of the places in the city centre are. doesn't matter that there's a neighbour who i hear stomping on the ground, day and night. whose toilet i can hear flush because whoever constructed this building is an idiot. i'm so, so, so alone.

@Majed i'm sorry, i didn't mean to be rude.

i know you mean well, but i don't think this is my problem. i have a lot of energy and, like i said, good work ethic. that's not the problem. the problem is i don't know how to adequately use my resources to actually make good things happen in my life. the problem is i don't know what to do. doing it is the easy part and not in the slightest a part of my struggle. i could work day and night if i knew it was right, if i knew what to work on.

@Majed i'm really trying but i can't.

@Majed it's so annoying being in my twenties. by the time i'll live in a beautiful apartment, work in the job i love and have some stability in my life, i'll have wrinkles and will have to start dyeing my hair. but i can't enjoy my youth or be present, either, because i constantly have to worry about the future, make decisions, figure out what to do and where to move. i hate it.

@sholomarprotein powder is also highly processed:)

basically, the problem is that i am so stressed out trying to figure out what to do with myself, and i'm a little desperate to find a solution. i just don't know how to actually put my talents to good use and do the things that will help me feel good in the present and in the long-term.

i went for another 50min/8km run, and i feel great:) it's really helped shut my stupid mind off for a bit, and now i feel much more comfortable than i did earlier this morning. i also love the route close to the fields and nature...the plants and wildlife that i can see around me while running. i saw my little bunny friend again in the same spot as last time, and also a pheasant? and of course lots of very nice-looking trees and purple flowers, along with the red poppy flowers and the blue sky. sublime, and it sounds so odd but the sight of them really calms me down and makes me feel so much better. i'm grateful that i have legs that can carry me this far, that i have the faith in myself to do this kind of thing regularly these days. i know little judy would be super proud if she could see me going on runs not because i'm trying to impress anyone, but exclusively because i know it's good for me and i feel good doing it. and i wore my new running shorts, which are a pale shade of purple, plus a tight white t-shirt, and i really liked that combo:) almost ordered two more of these shorts, but i'm trying to pace myself. so now i'm just a bit more hopeful and positive overall:)

@PsychedelicEagle okay...since i eat eggs regularly, too, maybe i shouldn't overdo it with the dairy then. i might also be able to have this tested.

@PsychedelicEagle no, i'm not looking to increase my caloric intake overall. i use soy milk, too, btw. and i supplement omega 3s. but of course it's still good to eat walnuts etc. anyway. the fat in dairy is more on the saturated side right? which isn't ideal?

no problem at all:) sucralose is an artificial sweetener. the problem with it is that it can draw a lot of water to your intestines.

@Natasha Tori Maru yes, that's why i specified that even if i buy low fat, i buy it plain and without added sugar....only to add my own sucralose nightmare to it lol. i've also checked the labels yesterday and was surprised that when comparing plain(!) yoghurt, the higher fat varieties have less (milk) sugar. never thought about that before. do you eat a lot of dairy in general?

since this morning, my mind has wandered from thinking about how i should start planning my summer holiday, to thinking i need to find a new apartment, to eventually thinking that no, it's financial independence that i need, and i should really figure out my career asap. i can feel the hyper-activation in my system. ugh. and i thought i'd had a "better" day today....also because i'm hoping that's what i can tell my therapist on thursday, because that's what he wants to hear from me. he doesn't want to hear about my stress or anxiety...and then i feel anxious for feeling anxious, and if i'm anxious maybe i should be anxious, because look! - i'm anxious. anyway, a couple of good things have also occurred today, though: i kept reading my stalker romance, i wore a nice outfit that i really liked and i almost thought i looked kind of pretty, the neuroscience lecture was freaky (in a good way) when it made me aware of the Miracle that is my inner monologue (two weeks ago, it was freaky when i managed to willingly turn The Dress from white&gold to blue&black and back), and i did good for one 168th of the week by tutoring my favourite student so far, and that's the one hour of 'good' that i know i've done today. problem is, i always leave with such a weird feeling because the tutoring comes natural to me and has me in a very rare state of flow and self-sufficiency, and i know i am helping a teenage girl who seemingly appreciates my help and personality-wise we just get along and feel comfortable around each other:) but i feel stressed trying to figure out what that says about my career choices and how i can make more of this happen in a good, realistic way. ...i'm looking into becoming a substitute teacher alongside my studies next term, just to see what that's like....but i'm not sure about the exact framework in which i will feel best....maybe teaching 1:1 suits me better, after all? anyway, stresses me out to think about this. then this evening i put on a YouTube podcast that's too long and i feel obligated to listen to the end, so i'm trying to multitask now and channel my energy into a billion different directions, which is completely pointless but my body doesn't know how to stop doing it. and again, somehow i'm scared to press stop and sit in silence instead? sit with myself, be with myself? i also figured yesterday, when i tried to focus on my book and felt frustrated because i was too anxious to focus, that i've been training myself for a good decade or so that anxious overthinking is the right call, the right thing to do, that it's more important than focussing on books or other things...so of course it's uncomfortable to try and read that book anyway, if my mind is screaming at me to put it down and solve the real issues - only that i can't do that, either. ...and i suppose a great deal of the stress that i have been feeling still relates to the question of my self-image, and what it will become as i grow older. this is tough because during my teenage years (some very formative years that - under less adverse conditions - would have been the time to figure out who i am and what would become of me) the only thing that kept me alive was to focus on starving myself and being the thinnest girl in the room. the only goal i had defined in my head for myself was that being as ill as possible is good. i wouldn't want to change what i've been through, no, i like it that way. but it's tough now, to try and be healthy. it feels bad. especially when i see so many other people around me stuck with the same mindset i used to have. every tuesday i uncover a new fellow borderliner in class - not tough to spot when you know the drill.

i went for a morning run outside and managed 8km in 48 minutes (if the GPS on my phone is accurate at all, that is), which is my new personal record. i know people do run marathons and ultramarathons, but it's probably good for me to be able to be proud of my own progress:) the yellow rapeseed fields have been replaced by red poppy flowers by now, and in general, being out in nature is a healing influence i appreciate very much. looking at the grasses and wildflowers, and a little baby rabbit that ducked down and tugged in its ears when it saw me pass by. the airplanes in the sky above.

i still feel a lot of anxiety. this afternoon, for example, when i sat down to study, i got so anxious and agitated and felt uncomfortable, scanning my surroundings... i couldn't figure out whether headphones would make it better or worse, music definitely did make it worse. sometimes when the headphones are on, i'm scared to take them off. and then this evening i went for a walk and read my book...both were very nice, and i'm *almost* in a good mood....but i can tell there's such deep unrest and fear in my body, too.

that sounds great so far