Judy2

i think it largely depends on the specific demographic of women you're sampling. personally, the videos you linked aren't content i would consume on a regular basis, i wouldn't find it particularly valuable or worthwhile. and from time to time i love a good documentary about black holes. i have a friend who is a doctor and who is also really interested in music. 90% of her female friends are doctors and i imagine most of them wouldn't find the videos you linked above appealing. another friend of mine is really interested in literature and the media. so this really depends on the person, individual upbringing, and god knows what else. making personal interests a matter of gender vastly oversimplifies us. of course there are some general trends, but there are so many other factors involved. i haven't followed the whole conversation so maybe my view on what's been said isn't entirely accurate. that being said, i agree that when i want to discuss men on here, it's usually about individual men and their behaviour, rather than men as a collective group without making any further distinctions...because there are often so many other important factors involved that determine an individual's behaviour, other than their sex/gender...if i run into problems with men i tend to think of them as individual problems and usually a matter of how mature/immature both participants in that conflict are, and i don't make it about all men on this planet. maybe i should lol.

@Salvijus that's great to hear:)

doing good today:) good mood, good body image:) my belly seems flatter and more okay than on other days had a nice time at the gym:) it's fascinating to me how a few days ago, my belly seemed problematic and way too big, and now it's almost fine and thin and my silhouette as a whole feels a lot more acceptable. my hunger- and satiety cues today seem reasonable and reliable...it feels good to think that maybe i am starting to heal in this regard, and starting to better understand my body and be well-regulated around food. trying to relax:) and just letting myself have a good day

good mood this morning? weighed myself and the number was quite reassuring wearing one of my favourite dresses (the one with the white top and long flower skirt) and i feel quite comfortable and relatively okay with my physique for now had a protein iced coffee bought myself some freshly cut pineapple while waiting for an appointment in town sitting in the sun right now i tend not to notice, because it happens gradually and i'm often focussed on the areas where things are still off and causing me suffering, but my relationship with food has probably already improved and stabilised a lot. i'm a little less overwhelmed at the shops, don't feel as triggered or as though there are too many options to choose from, i don't feel as though i have to buy everything, i don't feel as though everything i buy has to be eaten that same day, i can have dried fruit and nuts and nut butter around without feeling nervous, and without wanting to (or having to) finish it all in one sitting, or even two or three...so, pretty good that this has started to cool down, and perhaps this trend will continue and i'll be able to become even more intuitive and regulated around food:) i really hope so. extreme hunger (which i still experienced from time to time a couple of weeks ago) has also disappeared completely and i'm not bingeing or anything...my caloric intake is probably very consistent and similar on most days - still pretty high though - even without me counting calories (only very roughly but i'm not making food choices based on that).

negatives/challenges: being around dad can be stressful body image concerns had some challenging emotions and thoughts this morning not getting on with my thesis and i don't know how to proceed positives/gratitudes/feel-good-moments: tidied up my parents' house and it lifted up my mood went cycling around the village this evening when i felt that i had the energy to do so our garden is nice went outside for an evening walk and had a positive, relaxed call with my mum (for once!) dad drove me into town and picked me up again from the library today, which is quite a privilege/luxury and i should appreciate that dad and i watched a documentary about colours and the impact they have on our psyche. it was interesting and inspiring. mum and grandma had a nice holiday and are spending quality time together...so i'm glad that they are well

i don't know what it is that today is such a struggle trying to deal with it, somehow and give myself a break...just trying to relax and be nice to myself. i'm trying! it's difficult

i'm sitting outside and it's nice, with the soft wind on my skin

i feel very frustrated. i am trying so hard to get a hold of everything, i am trying so hard to deal with my emotions...and still i can't seem to shake them right now, they're overpowering, they're too much, i can't feel good. i feel sad that this is the case, i feel sad that this is such a struggle. i feel worried because the thesis seems like an insurmountable challenge again, given my general mental state.

i feel despair...i don't feel able to concentrate on my thesis, and i don't know what else to do with myself instead. it's all too much. i just wanna pull a blanket over my head, curl up in bed and wait, pretend like i'm not here. it's all too much and i don't know what to do if i can't focus on my work.

i'd know how to make myself lose weight...but i don't know how to achieve equilibrium; mental, physical, and emotional health; an effortless relationship with food, body, mind, and soul - which is what i actually seek in the long term, and what will actually make me happy.

sorry to anyone reading my endless rambling:) i feel a bit embarrassed for sharing all of this with no filters on. i think i understand what my problem is though. i feel as though i don't deserve empathy for current body image struggles because they could easily be fixed by a bit of restriction and weight loss, and if i'm resisting that it's my own fault...so then i feel twice as bad. it would be up to me to fix all of this and lose weight again, and i'm choosing not to cause that's not wise two months into recovery, when i was underweight and had no period 2 months ago, and my brain and body are still distrustful AND i know that forcing myself into restriction briefly fixes body image concerns but doesn't help me achieve the kind of healthy, effortless balance i would love to achieve in the long term. still, i feel very guilty for resisting the "quick fix" cause now every time i complain about my size it's all my fault and my responsibility that i look this way.

i'm stupid...because i pretend as though i believe in recovery, when i actually don't. i just don't believe in being sick anymore, that it would bring me the kind of happiness and sense of completion that i had always hoped it would, so i kind of have to pretend like i am all pro-self-love...when i'm really not and i'm still very sceptical of that. very phoney of me. i just pretend like i'm all pro-recovery now because i'm not pro-being sick anymore, and what's the alternative?...but in truth, i'm still very conflicted. ouch. i am sorry for being this way! i feel as though everything about me is wrong and ugly.

and....as to not gaslight myself: i think i looked better when i was slimmer. (not some imaginary other people). i just think it's no good getting back there through compulsion, restriction, and self-punishment. so i put a lot of faith forward (do i???) into healing myself instead, and harmonising my emotions and my body and my lifestyle and my relationship with food. whatever happens to my body when i am happy will be right for me. right? i don't know. maybe that is naive. and i don't believe in that. but it's kind of my only choice, because i don't believe in restriction and illness helping me be happy in the long term, either. ...and i can see that it is taking me a lot of energy to be thinking about this every day, and that this makes it harder to work on my thesis. ...so yes, it's still not a bad idea to get more support (therapy) soon. fighting for myself, trying really hard, and getting help aren't mutually exclusive. *** sorry if all of this is too much. i feel as though it is. sorry. i feel stupid for "handling recovery all on my own" when i am obviously doing a miserable job at it - cause look! look how i am obsessing over it and feeling insecure and questioning everything and on and on. it's taking way too much mental energy right now...it probably would be better and healthier if it didn't take so much....and i'm not sure if this is "necessary work" i put into it, or if it's a sign that i am doing it all wrong because i am too doubtful or whatever. this is rough.

[feeling confused, scared, overwhelmed. struggling!] ...it's probably necessary to radically force myself into deliberate positive focus for a bit: my current bmi is 20, so my weight is not a health concern, my body probably doesn't know or see any reason to be concerned right now my head keeps assuming that my dad and brother also thought that i was too big yesterday...but it probably hasn't even crossed their minds - dad looks at the mountains in those photos, i look at the size of my body and think that my body makes the photo ugly. there are things about me that i find cute. every now and then i see something about my body that i like, some aspect that i find good and cute. at least i got bigger breasts again i am fit and taking care of myself and prioritising exercise that i find enjoyable. i am starting to enjoy working out and doing my cardio, i am probably fitter than i have ever been in my life, and i am doing this as a form of self-care, an enjoyable activity....rather than compulsion or self-inflicted punishment to "burn calories". i know beautiful women with higher bmis and i would never tell them "you're too much" people who look at me might find me beautiful, cute, attractive without actively thinking "she'd be prettier if she was thinner" the way i tend to do i acknowledge that it is pretty unique and extraordinary of me to be handling the whole recovery process, including weight restoration, on my own again, without a therapist and without anyone other than myself actively witnessing this process i am undergoing, the emotions and thoughts i have to tackle every day. i might feel guilty for this...but i may also see that this is incredibly strong and brave of me...because i am showing up for myself every day and i am willing to deal with my emotions and be here. i am not doing this for a therapist or because anyone told me to (chances are, if i'd waited for a therapist to tell me it's okay to recover, i would have outsourced responsibility and resisted it even more). i am doing this with full conviction, for myself, because i believe that i am worthy of it and that i deserve to have a good life. i am doing this because i love myself and want to be good to myself and live a good life, and so i am willing to take on massive emotional labour for the sake of healing myself and gaining self-awareness. this is something that most people are not willing or able to do, and it speaks to unique emotional strength and intelligence that i am doing something as radical and difficult as this....basically reprogramming my whole psyche, on my own, by and for myself. this is brave and i see that it takes massive strength and i respect that and appreciate it, and see the value in how hard i am trying. i see that there is a lot of power in my soul, and that i can use this to make good, beautiful things happen. people may not see the fight i am fighting, or may look at me and think i am too big and there is no way that this is me fighting an eating disorder and fighting the urge to restrict, and they may think that i should lose weight again to look more like the beauty standard and that would be so good of me and how come i actively put a lot of emotional labour into resisting ed-urges to restrict when restriction would be good and healthy for me because i'd look so much more perfect ...but i see the struggle, and i respect it and see the infinite courage and effort it takes. ...i see it. i validate it. i respect it. i see my struggle to achieve balance, and no one else sees it, and so no one else can really judge me for it. the bloating issue will be taken care of! it will be resolved eventually, i will resolve it. as my relationship with my body, my emotions, and food improves and becomes more intuitive, my looks may still change. i will end up looking good! i will end up beautiful and with the kind of lifestyle, the kind of lived emotional experience that makes me feel good - not just about body image, not just for those 5 seconds i see myself in the mirror - but holistically. i fully, whole-heartedly believe that this is possible for me. it must be possible. "Home" is everywhere. i cannot run from the conflicts, cannot exorcise them from my home the way i would wish to, i can never find a better home than here...so i might feel desperate the way i always do, and say "i don't have a home, i'm never at home, always lost" - because conflicts are everywhere. OR i may invite them in, hold space for the good and the bad...and realise that i am already at home, no matter where i go. and i may deal with the good and the bad safely, from a relaxed place, as part of the life that i choose to participate in with my full loving attention. i am always already safe, and i am safe to be with and feel my emotions. i am beautiful and i am worthy, and WHAT IF i NEVER had to question that again? WHAT IF i can just decide on that now, decide that i am beautiful and worthy - and that's the end of it? if that is already decided, the emotions may keep coming up - but i'll embrace them lovingly. and i am always already safe. and there's no need at all to worry or be scared...because i've already decided that i am worthy and beautiful...and the rest will fall into place accordingly. i can detach food from this idea of needing to happen in a safe haven, and only there, because the reality is that food happens right in the middle of this messy, chaotic, scary, vast, black-and-white-and grey- and colourful life. i cannot separate food from life, and i cannot separate life from conflict. so if i want to live, i have to tolerate that food will coexist in environments where conflicts exist - all separation that i try to create in this regard keeps failing, and it keeps me feeling stressed out. instead of fighting it, i may accept that...accepting that will probably be the only thing that can ever help me normalise my relationship with food. - food happens right in the middle of this chaotic, scary life - and what does that mean, if i choose not to restrict (restricting = waiting until life is all pure and white and i may eat again, because i may only eat if all conflict is gone...but that has never really worked out the way i wanted it to)? it means that i can learn to regulate my emotions and my sense of self-worth completely independent of food choice - and that i don't need to over- or undereat in response to emotions. it takes a lot of getting used to, but ultimately, this is the only way. *sorry if this is not all too coherent...i don't have the time to go over and edit it all. sorry if there's arrogance in that, i don't mean it to sound that way. it's probably expressed in too absolute terms...i don't know if this is feasible in practice. whatever...i am trying. [i feel ugly, i feel as though i am not good enough, i feel as though all of the above sounds stupid and delusional and wrong. i feel vulnerable sharing all of the above, i feel as though it renders me vulnerable to be attacked, i feel as though it renders me vulnerable to being criticised for the way i look now?? which is an odd thing to say, i guess. maybe i feel safer saying "hey look i have this body, but i hate it"...cause then people will agree and i am safe. it's an odd thing to say that i have this body and i hate it but that's just an emotion and i am currently working really hard on this emotion because restriction isn't healthy for me...i feel as though people don't believe that or value that or respect that, or think i'm being stupid and will just tell me "hey look, really, you should just go and lose weight again to have a bmi of 18 and then everything will be okay!"....i feel scared. sorry for this mess...]

dad made me look at the pictures from yesterday's hike and i'm now having a major body image crisis...

i'm feeling confused and emotional, a bit unsteady... maybe that's okay? i'm not sure, i'm scared, it's all a bit much.

feeling scared and overwhelmed. i just want to be safe! can i? am i??? i'm so confused.

i'm trying to answer all this "what should i do" with...whatever promotes health and self-love and happiness and peace of mind in the long-term....yada, yada, yada. peace of mind is a good one, though...it came to me just now:) either way, it is scary. feels wrong. so, so, so wrong! cause it's almost like i'm "supposed" to be ill and dysfunctional by now...i want myself to be that, i am that, it's what i'll always be. ... i don't know. it feels difficult right now, to know how to keep safe.

so you caught me...i'm really just coping hard when i'm here, analysing myself:) oopsie, again. i'll probably keep doing it though, because i do need some sense of safety, something to hold onto...and this is one of the healthier ones compared to other coping strategies i could use.

feeling confused, scared, and overwhelmed now. cause i'm in this messy environment and don't know how to be safe, and all the "safe" methods i know aren't actually safe either, but all the alternatives are new and scary and unsafe...so i don't know what to do, what i should do, if i should feel guilty, if i've done something wrong, what i may or may not do next...how to best keep safe, i don't know! (the safe answer to that question is "be ill"...but then i'm ill and suffering, and i don't wanna be that...but if i'm not ill, i'm also struggling cause Life is so big and scary)...it's all SO much. and it's scary to walk free. it's so much easier to hate myself and be mean to myself...at least that's a sort of method that holds me tight, and that i can hold onto tightly...that shows me exactly what to do. i'm so lost without all my dysfunctions, when i'm trying to "just be"...."just being" is scary when that means i'll be floating around in empty space, in some sort of vacuum with no say whatsoever about the good and the bad that will come my way...completely vulnerable, and they'll all just pierce right through me, and i have no where to resort to, no single thing to hold onto when that happens (that single thing to hold onto usually being a coping mechanism, not eating, cutting, negative self-talk...also journalling, overanalysing, writing so that at least that is what "holds me tight"...)

i slept well and feel calm, but some things still feel a little off. as soon as he wakes up, i'd like to apologise to dad and explain to him some of the contexts that led me to react so strongly last night. otherwise, he's completely left in the dark about it, and that doesn't seem fair, or helpful. ...other than that....i'm feeling pretty insecure regarding food. i know i go on and on about it these days, and share basically the same thing over and over again. it's something i would not have shared publicly in the past, cause it's very vulnerable in and of itself. i don't know if it's wrong to share so much of it now...cause even if i'm "authentic" about it, i think it can get annoying once people see how self-absorbed i am with these issues, and how much unhealthy attachment is involved there....it will stop looking cute and start looking pretty obsessive and ugly soon. but i still wanted to express, i guess?...that food is still quite scary and i feel insecure as to what should guide me in my food choices. if i eat based on calculations and macros, that tends to feel restrictive and not right. if i eat based on hunger and satiety cues...well, i don't know how to trust those. it's scary cause there's so much i can do wrong....because this is so closely connected to body weight and body image and appearance...and we know how i feel about those, how important they are in determining my self-worth, in showing my true self to the world, and what if i look ugly, what will that say about me....anyway, so all things considered, this is still quite scary! just noticed it and wanted to express it, i suppose? i'll be going to the library today (mostly to not spend a Sunday stuck in the same house as dad....), and that's a good plan in theory but i still feel scared about how i'll have to navigate food choices throughout the day...i'm trying not to restrict but i feel bad for eating enough [in this chaotic, scary, black and white world]....i'm scared. it feels wrong of me, and forbidden, to eat, even though i do eat. just because it's such a stressful subject, i suppose. just because there's so much emotion tied up in it, i know...so much conflict, so much to consider...and it can get triggering whatever i do, whether i eat too little or too much...and once again it's so hard to strike the right balance...still needs a lot of learning, and i think for that to fully work i need to sever that strong emotional link i see between body image/food/self-worth...which still seems a bit utopian!

if i could, i'd like to re-name this journal....either way, i think i'll have to change my strategy in here and transform this into more of a dialectical journal....to give conscious space to acknowledging both the good and the bad. cause forcing myself to only write the good stuff feels inauthentic, and i think it's important to acknowledge and register negative emotions as well. they might convey important information, after all... without overemphasising the good or the bad...i think there must be room to see both. (hate to say it but this is what our dbt diary card looked like at the clinic i voluntarily left earlier than planned....oopsie. i feel a bit guilty for doing this on my own now, for being so pro-recovery...that's very evil of me.) so, today: difficult/annoying/stressful: being around dad eating in stressful, unsafe environments driving in the car for a total of six hours worries about body image, i dislike my belly, i am scared that my face is too round, i am worried about the long-term trajectory of my appearance and the character that i will be presented as to the outside world positive, beautiful; moments of joy and happiness: hiking the mountains nature some moments of feeling really positive and hyped while hiking walking up the mountain for 2,5 hours....even though it was exhausting, it was really fun! and i'd like to do this more often waterfalls lots of different plants and flowers, some butterflies my legs are toned i felt fit while hiking saw my upper body in a mirror a few times and thought that at least that and my arms still look slim and lean and okay! seeing my brother♡ some moments of positive connection with my dad and brother; some positive conversations where we felt connected and at harmony being able to rest and relax in my bed now

notes i wrote on my phone before we left for our hike...about a conflict that i noticed/awareness that came up: Switzerland is beautiful, and i wanna be "fully here" for that. what i don't wanna be fully here for is dad and how stressed out he is....so that puts me in a bit of a conflict, cause i'd wanna restrict to escape him, but i wanna be here for the sublime reality of the mountains...but if i'm here for that, i'll also have to tolerate him...and he's hurting me without even realising. (possibility of restriction = numbing myself to the good and the bad...and we've established that i want to live now and be fully here and no longer restrict/be mean to myself/hurt myself.....but DAMN it's hard especially if "old" triggers (e.g. dad) are around. cause they make me so vulnerable, and i'd wanna numb myself to protect myself from that, and it hurts not to, if i choose not to numb myself but to be here for the good parts, e.g. my brother and the mountains and the hike). it's painful for me not to restrict when i'm around dad....and that's sad because the hike is gonna be beautiful, but he makes everything so ugly and stressful and i don't wanna be vulnerable to that by being fully here (eating enough)...cause even if i refuse to be dysfunctional, he'll be dysfunctional and negative and i'll get the full blow of that right in the face and be vulnerable to all of his ugliness that will spoil the whole beauty of the mountains here...such a clash, black and white....ouch. how can i allow myself to be alive if he'll still be here, with all his ugliness, spoiling every thing? And then i'm the one who's worse off, resisting all my coping mechanisms to gain safety, when he'll just keep doing all his mean stuff and hurt me regardless.. Pain

had a bit of a "situation" tonight so now i feel the need to write a behaviour analysis. so we were on our hike all day, i have been around dad since 5.30am this morning and have gotten quite annoyed with him on some level. the hike was physically exhausting (in a good way but also a noticeable way that drained me) and while i tried hard not to undereat, i still ate less than i usually would while being a lot more active....so my constitution's already a bit more shaky because of that. i also couldn't eat a lot at dinner because the restaurant we picked didn't have what i had planned on having, and eating with dad at the table was also difficult. after dinner we drove back for 3 hours and i still felt hungry and basically felt that i should still eat something when i get home....but since dad has been such a nuisance all day, i'd counted on him going to bed and being able to eat in peace and silence, because otherwise i'd feel guilty for not restricting in such forbidden, bad surroundings (=with dad near me and able to hurt me emotionally...if there is a chance that that happens...i may not eat! that's been the rule for a decade.) and now he wanted to stay up longer and i got some serious self-harm urges cause i felt as though i was greedy for wanting to eat and i didn't know how to explain to him that i needed him to go to bed to let me eat in peace, because i couldn't tolerate any more "forbidden" food scenarios (like eating around him while he's stressing me out and making things ugly for me) in this day...i've already pushed myself so hard to not restrict all day when he was there and he was stressed and ugly and normally that means that i have to restrict.... i was this close to going for it (cutting, i mean), but did that awkward thing where (tension probably at 80%) i stormed up and down our stairs, then ran out the door barefoot and around the block. it's what i'm supposed to do to not self-harm and the pressure was on, for sure, but it still felt strange. anyway, i have calmed down by now. realised that the whole plan of needing silence at night probably would have worked out better if i had actually communicated that need....but i guess i was also opposed to that and not even willing to try because i was generally fed up with any sort of interactions with dad because of all the vulnerability they entail for me...so i just wanted to maintain my distance and not even make any efforts to communicate this. i know it's not black and white and he can be well-meaning and caring and loving, too. i feel sorry for being so difficult around him...i know i'm giving him a hard time and he's trying his best. and still i feel so hurt by him, sometimes. and i guess it's simply been a long and exhausting day, many thoughts also about body image, so there was a lot of tension tonight and that's okay. trying to relax now and be kind to myself...it's okay♡ i am safe.

went for a hike with ... and my wonderful brother in the Swiss mountains:) it was beautiful and something i'd like to do more often (maybe not with .... but as a general sort of thing). there's also lots more to be said and lots of conflicts around this whole thing that i had planned on sharing, dissecting, and acknowledging....but i probably lack the energy to do that tonight, and perhaps it's also good practice for me to let even those challenging bits be [no, no, no, it's not!!! that only makes me EVEN more vulnerable, and i already am so vulnerable, so please just let me write about it, it gives me something to hold onto instead of just being in this empty void without any sense of safety....]