Judy2

@HopefulMan yes, i can relate to this problem of either not talking about things, or talking about them while being very detached and cut off from my emotions. i believe there can be a gradual learning curve with this, though. it helps to stop yourself once or twice a day, maybe close your eyes, breathe, and tell yourself that you'll stay with you and your emotions. if you can't share your emotions with others (yet), it's okay to focus on feeling on your own for now, or to find points of connection that feel more accessible and less serious or grandiose.

money can also be a trap:) "is everything a trap?" - no, but the tough part is it takes some discerning with any given thing, situation, or circumstance. saying that everything is a trap - that, too, is, unfortunately, a trap. you don't need to freak out over traps, just be conscious that some may be out there and even if you fall for one, you can get up again and keep going.

i'm sorry you had to go through that. you can keep trying with the psychedelics, although i don't have much input in that regard. what i would suggest though is that you can definitely supplement a psychedelic routine with a number of daily habits that can help you connect with yourself. journalling comes to mind....it might make you aware of some of the things that you didn't even think were there. if you feel a lot of tension in your body, you might not know that there are ways to down-regulate this tension that will then help you access the underlying emotions. these are gonna be more of the uncomfortable ones (guilt, shame, fear, hatred, anger, despair, hopelessness, grief...) but accessing them temporarily - knowing that they can't kill you and they will pass - can open the door to other emotions (joy, desire, excitement, happiness, gratitude, hope, love, ....) as well. speaking of which, i wouldn't necessarily give up on therapy entirely, especially if you can afford it/insurance can cover it for you. sometimes it simply takes looking into a different approach or finding the right practicioner. if you have ptsd as a result of the abuse, have you ever looked into dbt?

i am thinking that i could start something (blog, website, IG) that's very low-level for the time being. but then there's the pressure of actually finding a company/website/IG account name....how do i come up with something i won't end up hating in case the vision crystallises and becomes clearer/more ambitious in the future? right now, that's holding me back a bit from simply trying things out, because it seems like i have to know exactly where i'm going, and i don't.

hurting myself is how i win arguments. that's another one i can add to the list. along with the revenge-motives, this idea of balancing the scales when my needs are ridiculed or not taken seriously in a relationship. it's very childish, i know. like "oh look, i'm suddenly physically hurt, that must mean i'm right and you're wrong, and you should be kinder to me". very childish, kinda smart, but also very, very childish, simplistic, immature.

@Majed how do you know that would work? maybe temporarily, but what happens then?

it's kind of like being enlightened as a monk vs as a regular person having to handle financial attachments etc. you could argue that the monk has it easy because their life is set up in such a way as to discourage any sort of attachment they may have - so have they really mastered detachment, are they really enlightened? i think the same logic can be applied to suicide: it's easy to exist undefined, as God. existing as a form that needs to survive WHILE maintaining detachment from said survival, that's the challenge. so is living through the ugliness and corruption of survival while ultimately still looking back and going "oh, that still counted though. that was still a valid form of Love, no matter how small and contracted". all these spiritual ideas on and around suicide, if anything, are more a case in point for human attachment to survival. if you weren't attached to your experience (suffering vs no suffering), you would not care about being alive. you would not even notice whether or not you are alive, because yes, indeed, there is no difference.

no thanks:)

the days keep getting rougher and the despair has been building up a bit. although yesterday, post-symptom, i told myself with surprising calm that one day i'll have this figured out, and i'll be just fine. then tonight - as my anxiety had quite reliably predicted - things escalated a little bit. eventually i just walked out the door, took my bike and cycled around the villages until it got dark. there was no anger - just a lot of sadness and despair. when the emotions got too strong - and heaven knows how i did this, because i usually don't manage - i started with that stupid alphabet skill, saying out loud fruits and then boy-names in alphabetical order. i stopped, thought again about my dire situation, felt more despair, cycled up a hill and eventually back home. then my mother said she wanted to talk to me and, again, i don't know how, but i actually pushed through, got that massage ball to run across my wrists and knead in my hands while talking to my parents. i had been thinking how much we hate each other all throughout my bike ride, how i should just never talk to them again, or maybe only on Christmas and birthdays....i had thought about how ugly i felt, too, and how sometimes i don't. ....but then they were actually trying hard to sound nice and understanding, so when i was having a tough time getting the words out and considered just leaving, i forced myself to stay and talk just a little bit....and now i just wanna rest and think about solutions tomorrow.

@Ramasta9 okay, that's interesting. good that you have figured out what works and what doesn't:)

@Ramasta9 okay that's good to know! thank you:)

i'm training for a 13km run, and what i have noticed so far is that the physical exercise is the easier part. what's much harder is the mental aspect of motivating myself and busying my mind during the 10, 20, 30 min on the treadmill or outside. (10 is just post-workout but it's long enough to get me bored and i could go longer physically, if it weren't for my mind.) music helps a little bit, but not that much. podcasts are a bit too slow-paced. last time i went running with my brother, who's super fit, i begged him to tell me something interesting and he just went "no, you have to learn to deal with the boredom, too" and quietly kept on jogging beside me. i'm curious if we have any runners here who might have some tips on how to handle the mental aspects while running.

if i have a 19m^2 room with furniture in it, 1m^2 is a lot😅 but i get your point and these things do look fun:) maybe at a different stage in life i'll reconsider getting one.

@Ramasta9 do you experience bloating when eating lots of raw fruit and veg?:)

doesn't a re-bounder use up a lot of space? they look fun though.

i dreamed of my late grandmother again. and again, in my version of events, she was given one day, fully alive, awake, and well, before she died. i wonder why this keeps coming up for me, and what it's meant to symbolise. guess it would have felt "just", it would have felt appropriate, though nothing short of a miracle considering her coma. i also saw the bill for her funeral on dad's desk last night, which might have contributed to this.

@Ramasta9there's a whole Mega-Thread on spiritual memes:) ...thanks for starting this one though! made me giggle a few times.

oh my God that's cute lol:)

@Carl-Richard that's suppose to mean: yes you are right but i'm still struggling to implement the advice...

yeah.......:)

yes that's kind of why i thought maybe running is a practice that's easier for me to start than meditation as it's more dynamic.

@bazera okay so it just takes some getting used to:)

yes, i remember:) i know they shouldn't bother me, but they do. which, i think, is not solved by telling me i should not feel that way. so i wonder why i feel that way, and how i can manage that. yes. bad excuse, but sometimes i feel too agitated or anxious to stick to the meditation routine that would stop me feeling agitated or anxious. is that a bad character trait of mine? are there ways to make meditation feel more accessible to me? you don't have to answer if you do not know. i am judging myself for being like that.

rough day. i've been debating whether to share this, but i finally got in touch with a systemic therapist this week - one i'd already spoken with twice last summer - and he, rather surprisingly, agreed to take me as a patient. the session got rather amusing when he brought up that he'd like to invite in my dad so that we can all talk together. not sure if i see that happening, realistically speaking. other than that, he said to assemble an "emergency kit" for myself and start painting my emotions with colours - because pressure requires ex-press-ion, he says. the emergency kit, i am hesitant about. i rarely use my dbt skills, mostly because i believe my dysregulation isn't bad enough for me to require it, and my emotions are real and objective.... but i suppose it is true that i could benefit...i've never tried for long enough to actually see if they work, though, and it is just a weird shift in perspective to consider myself as the one who's allowed to consciously down-regulate herself when needed. but i guess it is needed, if i am being honest, although that doesn't make this any easier to admit.

i don't.....i probably should. okay, interesting. sometimes when i play the piano i look up at the ceiling...maybe that's a similar effect. okay:)