Judy2

it's like the derealisation goes full circle and for the first time in ages, i'm fully here, fully real. do i lack grounding or am i grounded? not sure anymore. good to know it only took a BMI of 17 this time, not 10. in combination with some general lack of structure and stability in my life, so much so that there's nothing and nowhere to hold onto and i am dissolving. ....but the identity conflict remains, of having to figure out how to eat and everything.... that's a whole mess. there clearly is a lot of emotional instability, a lot of emotional patterns coming up (guilt for getting help, guilt for existing....) and the way i react to it all being brought to the surface is just a whole different level (like i said more existential than i believe to be intended for psychosomatic patients). intense emotions being stirred up explains the hypertension and the dissociative tendencies...but i mean it also means that i am responding to the therapeutic environment...i'm extremely responsive and open, it seems. which is good, right? just challenging, to work through aaaaalll those emotions. and i'm still scared, still struggling with having to choose health, and so on. if i choose health, maybe this state will leave me again. ....haven't fully wrapped my mind around it yet.

i am most definitely experiencing a rather extreme shift in perception right now...have been for the past couple of days. all of this is experienced as extremely existential...it all goes right to the core. i don't think this is what the average experience of a patient at a psychosomatic clinic is like...not even a healing and evolving patient, not even the ones where therapy proves effective. i don't think it goes to the core for most people the way it does for me right now. it's absolutelt trippy. i feel like i'm tripping. last time i felt this way was when i was 18. i don't think the other girls here nearly understand what's happening to me....they just think i'm struggling emotionally...they don't see the whole underlying perceptive shift, they probably don't even know such a thing is possible. they just talk about "borderline" and "hypertension"....which are incredibly weird concepts to talk about anyway. right now i'm feeling pretty neutral about this dissociative/derealised experience....more okay with it than in the beginning. i'm gonna go and speak with my doctor again later and see what she makes of it....see if she understands.

i feel as though it is a heavy, heavy burden that i am literally the only one who can give myself permission or "allow myself" to eat, to live, to get healthy, and to accept help i feel so guilty for asking for or accepting help...especially when people constantly say "be proud of yourself, others wouldn't manage to ask". this one doctor here mostly just makes me feel more guilty about it, even when i tell her i feel guilty.

when i am calm, this is almost meditative; very aware

"here" is so HERE that it's almost a form of entrapment

as dissociated, depersonalised, and derealised as i may be from time to time, in a sense i am also a lot more "here" than i was before. confronted with a lot of emotions that have been bottled up for years, and the hypertension they evoke is probably what's causing the dissociative episodes in the first place. at least that's how it was explained to me: that excessive tension (e.g. due to emotional overload and stress) can cause the body to dissociate in order to deal with all the stress and protect itself.

i'm just so tired of this constant, never-ending struggle ...so weary of the necessity to take responsibility for myself, of having to make decisions and having to know what's good for me...of having to figure out how to be wise and mature and intelligent. i'm so tired of trying, so burnt-out from this never-ending struggle. that sounds kind of bad, it's not supposed to sound that way.

even when i am not dissociated, the self that's there is clearly overwhelmed and exhausted. probably burnt out. clueless as to what's happening to me, or what i should do or where i should go. i just went for a walk and spontaneously sat on the ground to cry "because i miss my mum". i wonder what's going on with me, or what's on the other side of this.

i'm at a clinic getting treatment for bpd and right now it feels like i am experiencing some really weird infantile regression, or like i'm on the verge of psychosis. it feels like i am about to lose my grip on reality. last night i was in a very dissociative state and dragged myself downstairs to talk to a doctor, where i had a panic attack while being almost completely dissociated. i don't understand what's happening anymore.

Truth doesn't even depend on a you that knows it or that could be sure about it:) That's how free it is

"I can't be sure about [the Truth]" > the "i", i.e. the finite self that "knows" or "doubts", that can't be sure about the Truth, is Truth. (not in the sense that its existence as a separate entity is true in the ultimate sense, but it is what appears) That's what Leo means when he says you can't know the Truth, but you can understand = be = become it. There's no need to get hung up on the presence or absence of words. You can wake up to Absolute Infinity and then write about that realisation like crazy, and have the literal word "Infinity." written out on paper....but what's so crazy is when you see that you are literally inside it (so to speak) and actual infinity is sitting right underneath that label, stretching out underneath it on the very piece of paper you wrote it on, and including the letters and the ink that hold the symbol, everything... What's frustrating and absolutely beautiful about Awakening is that when you try to talk about it, you suddenly find yourself using all the same words that you heard other people use...but they suddenly mean something completely new to You, and are simultaneously frustratingly insufficient at getting at the essence you want to point to, because again, the pointer is, and will forever struggle in the attempt to point to itself. The pointer (word, symbol) itself consists of "Isness" (= Truth) ...so anything you say about God literally is just more God (Truth, Being). Anything you say about Truth (whether true or false at reflecting what Truth is) is "Truth", by definition:) Awakening does not require you to formalise or symbolise the realisation, which is the intuitive grasping of the Whole, transcending all dualism, symbolism, and linguistic pointers. The "you" or "i" that could "have" the Truth or fail to have (know) it, is the obstacle here. It's literally too finite to be in possession of "the Truth" as a whole. Because Truth is too infinite, too whole and too complete (singular, one, already itself) to be pinned down by the finite mind. That is the Realisation of Truth.

happy birthday:)

i've recently revised some of Leo's older videos and this has sparked my interest in giving meditation another try. what meditation technique would you guys recommend to someone with virtually zero experience in that area? so far i've experimented with a little bit of strong determination sitting and some guided meditations. sometimes these methods are effective in calming my mind, other times not so much because my focus is still centred on totally unrelated, random thoughts. i would love to hear what has given you the best results. if you have general insights and tips as to what my expectations/goals during meditation should be, please let me know:)

@Yimpa :)

also feeling lonely....being alone is no good for me, but whenever i'm around other people it gets too much and i feel like i can't breathe. i feel like i'm pretty messed up and stupid and lost.

everything is so "unsteady"....and no one understands

had too much caffeine again, which resulted in another panic attack. the first half of the day was almost good, but i'm feeling a bit lost now.

:).

i find it difficult to articulate this, but something along the lines of consciousness grasping itself, or grounding myself in what's real. my default mode is a kind of dissociation where i pretend like "this is not it" or "i''m not actually here", but i guess i actually am here...so maybe it would be beneficial to ground myself more in that recognition....otherwise i'm grounded in falsehood and keep running into problems. of course psychedelics would be a more potent tool to achieve that and i might get back to that in the future, but right now i don't have access to them and it's okay for me to meditate even if that grounds me only moderately. it's better than nothing.

@Jordan Wow, that's a lot! What I like about the video above is the sound. Its rhythm is very gentle, and it helps to draw my attention to the "emptiness" of (my) consciousness in which it appears. But it sounds like you know just what to do even without that:)

Have any of you tried this, and if so, what was it like for you? i don't do a full hour, only about 20-30 minutes. it feels like my body is falling asleep while my mind is still awake... is that what a meditative state should be like? my thoughts are still wandering and random images appear, but it's nothing profound in content, only in terms of the unfamiliar structure of this state. sometimes i forget where i am. it's a bit like lucid dreaming or astral projection. there's some fearful energy and whenever i remember that i temporarily forgot where i am or travelled too far away in my mind, i am scared someone might appear in this weirdly non-localised, undefined space and startle me....even though i'm sat alone in my room. so i usuallly open my eyes every five minutes or so, until i close them again.

@Breakingthewall I don't understand the example you give, but I like this definition: I was just trying to point out the need to further define insanity and brainstormed some suggestions, so by no means am I saying that the definition I came up with is the right or absolute one. What I said about insanity was based on a cultural/historical framework, but what you're saying seems logical and more universal than what I came up with yesterday.

it kind of seems like we all need to agree on a definition of insanity before we start debating its existential significance... insanity as the opposite of sanity would be an obvious one, but conventionally speaking, what we mean when we talk about insanity is less about a lack of health and more about mental flexibility or malleability (or i guess rigidity but in favour of a view on reality that is unconventional when compared to the rest of society?)- which can certainly go hand in hand with suffering and a lack of emotional health, but it could also be an expression of creativity and freedom from imaginary restrictions that socitey and culture conventionally impose upon "reality". in that case, insanity is associated with breaking free from limitations imagined to be real by the cultural status quo. of course any given culture or society likes to think of its status quo as "sanity" and quickly explain away all deviations as "insanity". labelling a person or a specific behavioural pattern as "insane" (=evil, deviant, unnatural) is a neat way to quickly dismiss and explain away, rather than explain, understand, or inquire into the causes and motivating factors of said pattern.

@integral okay that makes sense:) thank you