Judy2

@UnbornTao i remember that Nahm used to point out the two mes/yous a lot.

except for a few instances of feeling energised and many instances of feeling stressed, i've been feeling so bored these past few days. so bored. such a weird problem to have.

thank you, @SimpleGuy i've watched the episode, but i don't think Leo will be mad:) he'll probably think it's good that i came up with something on my own, rather than copying from his videos. the words chosen for the values list have to make sense to me personally, and i find truth almost too abstract, like i don't even know what's meant by that. besides, there's not much use in making it all look good on paper if it's not helping me navigate my lived experience, which is what ultimately matters. being a good person "on paper" and "in theory" doesn't really do much for anyone.

@SimpleGuy infj.

@Joshe the course makes the distinction between positive vs negative motivation, too.

the song is already 15 years old, but i've never watched the video before. really sad. sadder even to know that this is what everyday life looks like for so many women.

yeah it's been recommended to me before:) i started reading it and will finish it in a bit.

ok i'll try it out:)

sometimes it's so loud that i have to ask the people i'm with if i already said that thing out loud or only thought about saying it. but i realise that's not what you're asking:) i will try to feel more into it. also not what you're asking, but thoughts are fascinating because where do they even take place?

i had an lsd trip a few years ago where i was shocked for half an hour because i figured out i had never seen a single thing in my life, and i can't see. it felt like such a familiar insight, like i'd only forgotten about it some time ago, but i had known this before and it was just shocking to remember. really cool:)

yes. i forget about it often, but Life is much more real and immediate than the finite person that i think i am. like even (and only) now. i [perceive] my surroundings and the body and the thoughts....so if anything, i am (my) Life, rather than some conceptual person at the interface of some external separate world i'm "interacting" with. it should be obvious but we overlook this so often. Life is a much simpler, united notion, as opposed to the conceptual separate self that is interacting with a separate world, undergoing a constant process of perceiving, doing, interacting.

isn't it the case that schizophrenics outsource this voice in their head more and experience it as intrusive?

i think i don't really know what schizophrenia means.

it's funny because i feel a lot of boredom during cardio, and then the one thing i could do is make calculations with the time and speed and distance, but my math brain shuts down when i'm running.

put like that, it sounds scary.

@Joshe how else am i supposed to know then? it took me a really long time to start figuring this out and now it's all wrong...

yeah, people differ a lot in that regard...

i've asked about this at least three times before, but never managed to fully lay this out for myself and find a satisfying answer, so here we go again:) first of all, i wonder how many hours of rest and relaxation (aside from meal times and sleep) are normal/necessary. this is confusing to me because i'm a bit extreme in how i'm either all depressed, low-energy, and feel like i need way more rest than i actually do, or hyperactive and stressing out about getting things done, so i'm unable to realistically account for the relaxation hours of the day and how i should even fill them in a useful, functional way. this dichotomy also ties in with my difficulties of balancing boredom and stress. aside from that, i'm also curious about the quality of the relaxation people typically get. does watching tv truly recharge people? probably not, but what activity/hobby does, without draining someone even further after a long day? both the quality and quantity of conscious rest and relaxation are confusing to me because my parents have never modelled this well. for example, my mum works full time, but her way of relaxing after work is just napping or low-conscious stuff like watching tv. i wonder if there are things that truly feel relaxing and like they recharge you, without having you go unconscious and basically seeking to dissociate from all of life. i feel as though many people define relaxation and rest after work as a permission slip to "go unconscious" and basically enter a state of oblivion - zoning out, taking a break from existence itself - even though this isn't truly recharging. but then i haven't really figured out how to relax in a conscious way while feeling like it increases my energy again, instead of draining it further. it sounds exhausting to be alert and present with myself all day, but i also feel super bored when trying to "relax" by doing something stupid, unconscious and useless like watching tv....but if i do something useful, it might stress me out again and not be properly relaxing. part of this confusion perhaps also stems from my ambiguous attitude toward being alive and living in the first place, and i don't even know if it's normal to "stay conscious" during all my waking hours...and if there are reenergising ways to go about this. i mean, ideally this should be the best and only way to recharge, but i don't quite know what it would look like in practice. is rest just a matter of doing an activity that's different from whatever else you're doing all day? so, for example, if your job is very social, rest after work can look like self-care and me-time, or vice versa, and if you have a desk job, physical activity is what's needed to balance things out. is rest about balancing out the kinds of activities you do throughout the day, or is there more to it? sorry if this is just a completely unnecessary rumination that would be answered more easily by simply living life and finding out what works for me. still, i would find it valuable to have some people who already set this up in their lives in a satisfactory way describe their reasoning for how much time they spend on rest and relaxation, what they do to recharge and how it's different from (or also similar to) their "productive" hours. thanks♡ and sorry if this is a stupid question.

yeah: ) but ideally, i'd want to feel obligated to stick to some person's yoga and meditation schedule they set up for me, and be in an environment with little distractions.

@Bjorn K Holmstrom i'd love to go on a yoga retreat next year, but they're all so expensive. do you know one in Europe that you would recommend?

okay, thank you:)

i might be wrong but i think many sleeping medications have antipsychotic effects. to quiet the mind. *not that many, but it's a thing.

yes, that's an interesting way of looking at it. i think i sort of came up with some of the values this way. especially trust, love, consciousness/awareness/presence, health and emotional regulation are values i chose because i've lived through their opposites. i don't value emotional regulation because i'm so good at it already, and i don't value trust because i'm already such a trusting person - but precisely because this is what i need more of, because i'm usually quite anxious, worried, and distrustful, and so i can see the tramsformative potential of becoming at least a tiny bit more leaned back (and emotionally regulated). is this a legitimate motivation for choosing a value?

@Shakazuluok:) i'm starting to have fun looking at a thing i'm doing and thinking about how many boxes (values) it checks. maybe i should lean more into this attitude. writing the values down in the form of a list is confusing, though, because it artificially breaks down something abstract into sub-components. my brain works the other way around; if anything, i learn other people's models, but i don't typically create my own.

had some weird dreams tonight and woke up again for a few hours. then i went to the gym in the morning, but had to leave early because i had a headache. the afternoon wasn't great, but i did less paperwork than yesterday. it's not like there are any deadlines atm, so i'm not missing out on anything if i take a day off? anyway, this afternoon i randomly started doing my make-up, now i'm listening to music and dancing and suddenly in a much better mood. thank God:) i'm still a bit stressed because i feel as though i need to do a better job at structuring and organising my values list (and all the sub-goals i'd like to assign to each value, for overview and inspiration), my dream journal, etc. it's all a bit of a mess and i feel as though it's always difficult to keep up with all the stuff that's going on in my head. i've also been wanting to start a new list with activities that help me relax.... atm there are almost too many ideas, too much creativity, i can't follow up on it all? but i guess that's better than being depressed, although i'm also struggling with the fact that i can't do everything as perfectly as i'd expect myself to do.