Judy2

Der Weg in die Unschuld, ins Unerschaffene, zu Gott führt nicht zurück, sondern vorwärts, nicht zum Wolf oder Kind, sondern immer weiter in die Schuld, immer tiefer in die Menschwerdung hinein.

"Zurück führt überhaupt kein Weg, nicht zum Wolf, noch zum Kind. Am Anfang der Dinge ist nicht Unschuld und Einfalt; alles Erschaffene, auch das scheinbar Einfachste, ist schon schuldig, ist schon vielspältig, ist in den schmutzigen Strom des Werdens geworfen und kann nie mehr, nie mehr stromaufwärts schwimmen. Der Weg in die Unschuld, ins Unerschaffene, zu Gott führt nicht zurück, sondern vorwärts, nicht zum Wolf oder Kind, sondern immer weiter in die Schuld, immer tiefer in die Menschwerdung hinein. (...) Statt deine Welt zu verengern, deine Seele zu vereinfachen, wirst du immer mehr Welt, wirst schließlich die ganze Welt in deine schmerzlich erweiterte Seele aufnehmen müssen, um vielleicht einmal zum Ende, zur Ruhe zu kommen. (...) Jede Geburt bedeutet Trennung vom All, bedeutet Umgrenzung, Absonderung von Gott, leidvolle Neuwerdung. Rückkehr ins All, Aufhebung der leidvollen Individuation, Gottwerden bedeutet: seine Seele so erweitert haben, dass sie das All wieder zu umfassen vermag." - Hermann Hesse, Der Steppenwolf

@Grateful Dead i noticed that, too. might explain why i find this so difficult. making decisions is THE WORST.

@Rishabh Rcongrats:) sounds like you did a good job!

@Davinothat sounds great! yeah, i should definitely also schedule another appointment with my professor.

@kbonethank you:) and i guess i can see where you're coming from:)

@UnbornTaookay i will check that out:) thank you!

@kboneidk...i remember having a lot of fun during a seminar a few years ago where i learned how to prepare more engaging presentations. plus individual slides are easier to shove around and my psychological blockages aren't as intense this way. if i take too many notes on paper, i'll force myself to copy those word by word later on and waste a lot of time doing that. been there...

So i figured i'll prepare a power point presentation with the goal of giving a 40 minute introductory talk to my mum. That way, I'll have to put things in a comprehensive order and if I record and then transcribe the talk, I'll probably get a good 20 pages out of that and that'll be a good foundation to work with. Then I can add in some more quotes from secondary sources as I move along. ....something like that. thank you:) i'll do that, too. unfortunately, yes. i am working on that...

@kboneI've already got about 200 pages of notes (all very incoherent though) and need to hand in a maximum of 50 in the end. The major difficulty lies in organising it all, also because the secondary literature includes a mixture of "big-picture" insights, as well as some very specific "small-picture" level type of information and interpretations. Somehow that's very confusing to me because I don't know how to prioritise these things/if I should just select things at random. Also, editing a 200 page-long document is extremely difficult because my memory is not sufficient to remember all the tiny bits I could potentially include or move around. That also makes it difficult to temporarily delete stuff because it will probably get lost forever, even though it's useful (even juicy/brilliant - stuff that will look good if it makes it into the final version) information. I tried to work around that by having a "discarded" file, but that file itself is probably a 100 pages long and too much to memorise, so I don't have a good overview and lose sight of all the information I could potentially include....so it becomes difficult to decide where to include it, if my memory is too limited to look at all the information all at once.

@kbonethank you so much:) i'll take some time to keep trying and come back if i run into any more problems.

i'm really trying but neither of these strategies seem to work

i paused the project for a couple of weeks, but am trying to get back into it again and could use some advice to help me trouble-shoot as i identify all of the problems i am having during the process....which is why i am turning to this thread again. the amount of notes i am facing again is completely overwhelming and i'm not sure how to approach this now. would you say it's best to work my way down, i.e. take the 200 pages and start cutting things out? or should i start a completely new document and write things from scratch, based on what i remember? and then select the best quotes, essentially in order to "decorate" my own summaries? i've tried both strategies before and given up on both of them as things got too overwhelming... so i'm really not sure which approach is going to be worth another try.

like, maybe i do want other people, but i want people who just 'get me'. who know exactly what i need and how to interact with me. how to talk to me, comfort me, and take care of me. talking in extremes again: someone who knows me better than i know myself, who knows what i need more than i would know myself. basically someone who can read my mind, decipher every emotion, ... and so on.

paradoxically, after a long day of stress, overstimultion, being surrounded by too many human beings, and missing my peace and quiet (along with a good dose of social isolation...) ...i also feel re-emerge this desire to be held, cuddled, squeezed. haven't really felt that in months.

@meta_male ok:)

continuing today's psychoanalysis and putting things together... ... again: apparently, you just can't have it right with me. i want people to tell me what to do and take zero responsibility for myself. i want to stop existing as a real entity, have someone or something else reabsorb me, and explain to me what to do with myself, because i've got no clue. yet, i feel so hurt and threatened by their mere presence (maybe like nothing they offer is good enough for me?) i want to be CHOKED, because i feel so cold on my own, but then i quickly start complaining about the heat. i know i don't do well in isolation - but i seem to hate company. (..."i hate you - don't leave me.")

@meta_male it's a little bit concerning to me that it's always when i'm being explicitly toxic or sharing about dysfunctional patterns that people start complimenting me on my authenticity

...admittedly, it's also quite an immature (though desperate) way of saying "hey, look, i am hurting in this environment" i could also just say that with words, without writing it down on my skin. it'd be less impressive, but perhaps more functional long-term.

@meta_male:). i'm actually not sure if they're a bit too real/triggering atm....so if anyone feels bothered, please let me know and i'll remove them. most of the time i struggle with censoring myself and deleting a lot of posts, but things and perspectives have become so chaotic lately that i guess it doesn't matter anymore.

really missing my "safe space". it's actually quite a big, fundamental topic that i will need to discuss in therapy. the vulnerability i feel when exposed to other people's moods, permeated by their impulses.... it's intense. i feel like they can cut right through me. so much so that ironically, cutting my own skin feels like a relief. feels bearable. tolerable. gentle.

so there's no centre, no rules, no stability.... absolutely nothing "real" to hold onto...but i still have to pretend like there is? even if it means engaging in dysfunctional behaviour from time to time....apparently that's the only thing that can ground me, for now. at least for where i'm at. i don't really see any alternatives right now. need a bit of dysfunction to keep me safe, keep me sane, keep me grounded.... a bit of self-harm here, a bit of dieting there. otherwise there'd be chaos and i'd be completely, utterly lost and unsteady.

might not have borderline after all, but some other kind of combined/mixed personality disorder.

my urge to fully live from a state of infantile immaturity and lack of responsibility is astounding, too. it's amazing how burdened one can be by one's own existence.

feeling incredibly existentially overwhelmed, anxious, and troubled again. and scared. overwhelmed. spoke with an emergency psychologist and he had the most calming presence ever. it's astounding. walking through the woods now. the woods are astounding, too. i'm a mess, i'm scared, i'm troubled.