Judy2

okay, thank you:)

in the life purpose course, i've finally arrived at the section on values assessment last week. i've tried to do some of the exercises but find that it's difficult to get clear on my values. the hardest part is probably that i am supposed to imagine what my "ideal" self would value, which is driving me more into hypothetical "should" territory where i imagine some picture book version of myself....it's hard to say if this would be the authentic me though. for example, i can't get quite clear on how much i actually value community. is it just social anxiety that's in the way, or is my desire for engaging with other people in a communal way naturally low, or something inbetween? it's also really hard to determine if a value is mildly important vs the thing everything else hinges upon for me. and i have the same issue with many other core values as well. i guess it's a bit of a catch 22 because you need to know your ideal self to know what you value, but you need to know your values to know your ideal self. and then this usually culminates in me trying to analyse myself like some omniscient narrator, rather than connecting with myself. any advice on how to gain a bit more clarity? is there any method to make this inquiry simpler, rather than drifting off into too theoretical territory?

thank you:)

okay so i'm currently in a phase of figuring out what's next for me in terms of university, internships, and jobs. this is stressful in and of itself and causing a lot of anxiety. sometimes i talk to my mother about these things and she's trying to help, and sometimes she makes helpful suggestions, but every time she doesn't or misunderstands what i'm even working on at the moment, i feel disproportionately hurt and upset, even violated. even though i know she's just trying to help. why? why is the emotion there in the first place, and why is it so much stronger than any rational understanding of the fact that she's genuinely just trying to help. i feel like a bad daughter for not even being able to show her that i see that she means well. feeling misunderstood by my mother is generally so painful. it's worse when it's about important things (like applications and finding a job), but it's still bad when it's about totally insignificant things. i don't know if strangers on the internet can provide any insights on this. you probably can't tell me either. but i feel so broken because my emotions work that way and i don't even know why i react so strongly. oh, and my mother and i sometimes try having rules about simply not bringing up certain topics because i notice they keep hurting me, but then we break these rules again and again and in a moment of connection, we want to talk again and share our ideas, and then she signals some subtle misunderstanding again and i feel so hurt. it's the same pattern again and again.

i might be wrong but i think many sleeping medications have antipsychotic effects. to quiet the mind. *not that many, but it's a thing.

yes, that's an interesting way of looking at it. i think i sort of came up with some of the values this way. especially trust, love, consciousness/awareness/presence, health and emotional regulation are values i chose because i've lived through their opposites. i don't value emotional regulation because i'm so good at it already, and i don't value trust because i'm already such a trusting person - but precisely because this is what i need more of, because i'm usually quite anxious, worried, and distrustful, and so i can see the tramsformative potential of becoming at least a tiny bit more leaned back (and emotionally regulated). is this a legitimate motivation for choosing a value?

please reach out for support instantly. the link below shows you where to call depending on what country you're in. https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/

hey, thank you for sharing. this is devastating and my love goes out to the boy's family and everyone who knew him. sometimes things happen that don't make sense in life. but i fully agree with you that we as a society must find better ways to help those who are experiencing suicidality and also set in place more preventative measures. just make sure you don't lay it all on your shoulders; this is a shared burden and maybe for now, your part in it is allowing yourself to grieve, and also to allow yourself to find happiness again. i know that this can be the harder part, but it's crucial.

@Shakazuluok:) i'm starting to have fun looking at a thing i'm doing and thinking about how many boxes (values) it checks. maybe i should lean more into this attitude. writing the values down in the form of a list is confusing, though, because it artificially breaks down something abstract into sub-components. my brain works the other way around; if anything, i learn other people's models, but i don't typically create my own.

had some weird dreams tonight and woke up again for a few hours. then i went to the gym in the morning, but had to leave early because i had a headache. the afternoon wasn't great, but i did less paperwork than yesterday. it's not like there are any deadlines atm, so i'm not missing out on anything if i take a day off? anyway, this afternoon i randomly started doing my make-up, now i'm listening to music and dancing and suddenly in a much better mood. thank God:) i'm still a bit stressed because i feel as though i need to do a better job at structuring and organising my values list (and all the sub-goals i'd like to assign to each value, for overview and inspiration), my dream journal, etc. it's all a bit of a mess and i feel as though it's always difficult to keep up with all the stuff that's going on in my head. i've also been wanting to start a new list with activities that help me relax.... atm there are almost too many ideas, too much creativity, i can't follow up on it all? but i guess that's better than being depressed, although i'm also struggling with the fact that i can't do everything as perfectly as i'd expect myself to do.

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i understand that you don't want to be abused, and that your life hasn't been an easy one so far. however, it seems that change is only possible once you expand your scope of empathy and look just a tiny bit beyond your current horizon. if you don't want to be abused, why abuse others? i am not saying this to judge at all, but to point out that this is a huge learning opportunity for you.

yes, i've tried ifs before but never gone beyond identifying the conflicting parts.

do you think it's possible to fully understand why this is triggering? is it necessary to fully understand this if i want to heal?

i'm not sure. she basically says i always have her unconditional approval and i know by her actions that she's always just trying to be supportive. my parents always said i always have their approval and never pressured me about grades or anything, but then i still struggled a lot with very high expectations for myself at school, even though they basically told me to study less. i don't quite get how their saying "do less" resulted in my thinking i need to earn their approval...so idk if that's entirely it, or if it's something else.

(: i can see how growing up with autism must have been extra challenging at times. two weeks ago i visited a school for kids with special needs and there were a few autistic boys who were struggling a lot. sometimes the adults had a hard time knowing what was even wrong/what triggered their meltdowns. i almost cried along with one of them because i imagined their world must be so confusing and overwhelming.

i am not sure if this is it. it's not like it's the same phrase that upsets me every time. maybe sometimes it is, but not always.

when i was little i always thought life ended with prison and that type of thing would literally be the end of the world. it isn't. prison environments are hositle, even deadly, for sure, but generally speaking they do a good job at giving people time to think and reflect on their behaviour. if you're smart, you can use this time to help you become a better person. sometimes 10 years of being locked up are necessary for people to change tracks in life. it's still up to them, though. no one will do it for you. and even if you don't go to prison after all (i'm not sure if this has been decided yet?), this sounds like a good point in time to start reflecting more on the impact of your actions. do you feel any remorse for touching this person inappropriately? have you taken the time to empathise with their experience? have you considered apologising?

thank you. this really resonates♡ have you also struggled with feeling misunderstood and with difficulties to emotionally self-regulate?

@Hojo i'm friendly around friends and strangers, and when i get along with my parents. and when we don't get along, i turn a bit cold. but this doesn't happen that much with other people, only with family.

okay. it's just weird because i think from my family's point of view sometimes i'm super unfriendly for no reason even though they didn't do anything wrong.

@Yimpa do you just completely avoid talking about emotional/charged topics then? or only bring them up after you have already figured them out on your own?

i don't think she has any bad intentions. i'm overreacting for no reason.

@Hojo she doesn't even say anything hurtful at all. she's supportive all the time. i only feel like she's hurting me because i'm a bit weird sometimes.

i don't know why, but this makes me sad. isn't it mean if i "abandon" her? i mean i'm kind of obligated to identify with my mother. it's cruel to say she has to identify with me forever and i don't. that's completely mean toward her. and it's kind of a sad thing to say about motherhood in general.