Judy2

hey:) so these past few weeks i have been trying to make a lot of changes in life, but i find that there's a high level of stress in the background that i don't quite know how to deal with. i'm constantly trying to "get thigs done": go for walks, journal, think about how to get better in life, think about my thesis, go to the gym, listen to self help podcasts, make or go to appointments, etc. etc. etc. i don't quite know how to relax, because anything i could do to relax, e.g. going for walks, is just more stuff that i need to get done. but doing nothing and just sitting around is really boring and doesn't seem to help me relax, either. ...would appreciate it if you guys have any insights on this or any suggestions as to what might help:)

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i have been thinking that it would be good for me to take some time off from the forum. journalling can sometimes turn into a bit of a compulsion for me, and i tend to feel as though i can outsource some of my problems in life by writing about them. ...so i'll try my best to be present moving forward, and see again how it feels to confront challenging situations in life without needing to relate them on paper/online. as much as this journal and this forum can be a bit of a safety net, i think it's also important for me to see that i don't depend on it. luckily, i have multiple counsellors at this point, so with anything that i may need help with, there'll be support available. another reason for my planned break is that i feel that i should eliminate any distractions that this place may represent, and instead focus my mental energies on finishing my studies in the months to come. i'll try my best to be well and take good care of myself while absent from this place, and use it as an opportunity to become even more present with myself, from moment to moment...without the need to write about everything that's going on:) and with full permission to simply be for being's sake, and to feel for feeling's sake. will probably be back in a few months and i wish you all a good time until then🙏🏻

which one?

how?

@Schizophonia when i encounter other people who are underweight, i don't perceive all of them to look "oh so innocent". some of them, yes, but not all. that's interesting for me to register, for sure. this may be odd, but for years there's been quite a bit of sadness concerning the tragedy i perceive in this. when i was at my lowest (and, in my mind, most beautiful), i rarely had the energy to socialise, and i had to have quite rigid routines to somehow make the energy deficit bearable...and then through recovery, suddenly people start seeing me more, and to me it's totally tragic that no one saw me when i was really skinny, because that's the me i wanted to be seen the most. when i was in high-school and had my phases of trying to recover, one of the worst triggers used to be the "oh you look so much better already!" type of comments (mostly imaginary ones). it felt really painful to me that people wouldn't understand how, oftentimes, regaining the weight is so much more exhausting mentally, than is being underweight. somehow people assume that girls who are anorexic only weightrestore because magically, their mind has been fixed while underweight, and now they don't want it anymore. the reality is that it takes a lot of courage to push through with recovery despite an internal split, and usually the time when the weight has been restored but the mind still needs to catch up is the hardest, and the most vulnerable. because emotionally, many things are still the same but you no longer have a body to show it, and so people assume you're fine when you're still struggling. this has been a HUGE trigger for me for many years, and i guess it's probably the same for others, and people don't really understand this...so if anything, i wish to raise some awareness around this. anorexics don't just gain weight because suddenly they changed their mind and no longer want to be skinny. it's a really difficult, painful process of leaving this addiction behind, and the mind can't just switch off all the old beliefs associated with the image of being emaciated. even when weight restored, concerns around body image and everything related to it can still be really, really loud. eating disorders are mental disorders, restriction and its physical consequences are a symptom. if an alcoholic decides to quit drinking, doesn't mean his mind is cured. same goes for eating disorders.

for example when i'm on holiday with family, we're sat in the car and my parents have an argument. or when my dad had his clutter lying around, or when he excessicely scratches his breakfast bowl with the spoon. or the pressure of getting marks at school - it all points to emotional vulnerability, in my experience. so these are the situations that being too skinny could shield me from. in my mind it could protect me from anything that's bad in the world, because physiologically, my number one issue was being malnourished...and so the neediness inherent in that automatically made everything else seem less important, at least in theory. plus, i could always tell myself that the world i'll recover in will be much nicer, but i'm not there yet, so i must wait and restrict and keep dreaming...basically:) essentially, it's just much safer on the sidelines of life, if you can always tell yourself life isn't there yet...and how perfect life could be when it finally starts. so the conscious restriction enabled a lot of fantasising about an ideal parallel universe where i was allowed to fully be there, exist, and feel alive. a universe without conflict, without contrast, and without anything that could hurt me even when i'm "actually there". by not eating (or undereating), it was as though i wasn't really alive, and that was kind of useful to not be there for all the things that weren't right...but it also meant i couldn't be fully there for the things that were good. which didn't seem to be a problem because fantasising about the perfect life was much better anyway...plus, i engaged in these perfect fantasies from a place of perfect safety, not really living, but still existing in a body that i found overwhelmingly special and it was a huge ego boost that i could be that skinny.

@Schizophonia i still feel triggered. but it's ok:)

you are correct. in my mind, at least, there's a strong association with innocence. i felt extremely innocent when i looked like i do in those pictures. i don't think many people will be interested in this, and it won't say much to you, either, but this is sort of the dynamic i am writing my thesis about, too. i am writing about the female protagonists of two Victorian novels, who are very much infantilised and "innocent". one of them is a complete victim and is exploited for it, the other is more smart about it and uses masquerade to "act cute" and prompt men around her to protect her. there's also a painting of her that portrays her in a different light, revealing the more sexual facets of her personality, which is quite shocking to the men who only know her as the cute, innocent, childish "angel in the house". coincidentally, the novels also both include a discourse on female insanity ...so in other words, i find these two protagonists quite relatable lol:)

@Schizophonia yes, i think i see what you're trying to say:) thank you literally anything that's perceived as "negative" or challenging in life or social interaction. it can be really small, random things.

i'm scared that people are judging me and that what you guys see when you read all my ramblings is a whole lot of ugliness in my soul. a whole lot of egotism, obsession, dysfunction. for the most part, what i share here, i share out of a deep fascination for existence and psychology, and my individual psychology is the most direct point of reference i have for this. this fascination also exists independent of whether my psyche is making me suffer, or whether i am successfully healing it. although i like to believe that so far, it has helped me survive and it will help me heal. i would also write the type of thoughts that i share here in a private journal - only that private journaling has come to feel a bit futile throughout the years. i don't care who reads this and who doesn't, but just the idea of "putting things out there" feels nice at times. i don't know if this makes sense, and what the objective moral judgement of my journalling situation is. all i know is that sometimes it does feel helpful to put things out there. also, about the fascination with psychology: i think it can be both a coping mechanism, an adaptation to traumatic events, and a useful skill in life. it can be both, and that's legitimate. i'm sure Leo's insistence on TRUTH is also not as pure as he portrays it at times, i'm sure there's a story of individual psychology that plays into this, more than he likes to admit - but this is not wrong, either. there are probably thousands of doctors and lawyers on this planet who found their calling based on past traumatic events. this doesn't take away from their purpose; if anything, it makes it more real. ...don't know if this articulates the point i'm trying to make.

maybe it is wrong that i am sharing so much of myself, my psyche, my deepest emotions online.

acknowledging what's difficult/challenging: i feel as though i am too much i feel guilty and embarrassed for having expressed too much of myself on here (my emotions, contemplations, struggles) i feel as though some of you guys are judging me because i'm still struggling while in recovery. maybe this feels bad because i fear that i'm doing it wrong, or i feel misunderstood, or i feel as though you guys don't believe me that i'm really trying to do better atm. i feel worried that people may think i'm too much when i have so many emotions to share all the time. maybe it's wrong to share all of this publicly...not sure. acknowledging what's good, positive, what i am grateful for: my mood is alright this morning (edit: it's good. i feel positive, hopeful, safe, and good and comfortable in my own skin...) i had an enjoyable session at the gym and it felt as though i had more energy than on Wednesday it is valid that i want to look good and feel good in my body i am hoping to be productive and make progress with my thesis today dad and i plan on going cycling by a riverside this evening, and if it's anything like last evening's ride in the cool night air, it'll be quite nice:) i finally got the ratio right and really enjoyed my shake this morning

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@Schizophonia please don't feel obligated to respond to everything i wrote today:) i wrote most of that just because it came up and not to you in particular...and it's not your responsibility to help me deal with all this. i myself am getting a bit of a headache now cause all this was quite a lot to ponder.

idk it's like when i'm fully here and not engaging in any form of dissociation, that's when people and life and conflict can really get at me. and the other part is that i think i uncovered a bit of an attachment paradox just now. that i desperately want to be saved but for that i need to get close to people and that in itself feels unsafe so i preferred saving myself and recovering without help when i was in that situation, but then i still felt unwell after that. but you're right, technically it doesn't even make sense to say any of this because there's no actual danger. there's just a lot of perceived danger in life and in social interaction. emotional vulnerability, i suppose.

expressing that i feel weak and that i want to be protected and loved and taken care of. it also didn't work in other regards, for example the part where i'm able to fully participate in life.

this makes me confused because i am always fundamentally confused about whether i can be that good self or if i'm doomed to be the bad self that i fear i am deep down. (borderline...and maybe some vulnerable narcissistic traits, i was told.) my soul is probably just as conflicted as me, cause i am my soul. and even if it's disembodied, it is carrying out the exact same strugges. the exact same desperation to achieve perfection and purity, the unwillingness to tolerate contrast. so there's not really much resolution to be found in thinking of this as non-physical, disembodied energy...because already, the theme of wanting to be weak and wanting to be saved has always gone far beyond physical appearance. ...but i re-read the task and it didn't ask if my soul was good, it said my soul is safe, good enough, and the inner goddess that i want it to be and that i sometimes feel it can be. so maybe i'll just have to take that as a given and feel into it from there, and note down the associations that arise.

i feel angry at the world and the people who tell me to love myself and that i can only save myself, but when i do save myself it's also wrong because it's actually okay to want to be saved, but when i wanted to be saved and did a pretty good job putting myself in a position where i needed saving, no one was there and no one saw me. and then i hear 5 years later that i would have been saved, but i wasn't, and so maybe it was just stupid of me that i recovered all on my own. but really i hate people and i don't like anyone being too close to me anyway so it's not like i would have enjoyed being saved because that itself would have felt too vulnerable and unsafe...which is why i moved halfway across the country and away from everyone i knew, because i knew they'd only make me feel triggered and unsafe...but then even when i recovered i kept feeling unsafe and like i want someone to save me. ...or in other words, i'm weird, and there's some serious attachment trauma causing me to feel so conflicted, and that's a deeper underlying thing that is probably persistent in my psyche even beyond the realm of the ed. @Schizophonia not angry at you:) just trying to understand/feel through the emotions.

it feels wrong. why do i call it recovery from an eating disorder if it's not ill, if it is in fact the cultural norm for a woman to care about a certain beauty standard? and if it is in fact socially accepted as essentially feminine to put on a performance of weakness, to play victim, to depend on someone to save me? isn't it stupid of me to start loving myself, if i should in fact keep waiting until someone loves me because i'm so good at hating myself? i was very good at that. but when i do that, people keep telling me how i got it wrong. yet, when i try to do it differently, it's also wrong. this is difficult to deal with, psychologically.

acknowledging what's challenging/difficult: triggering thoughts about the ed and everything related to it - i mean it's also good to confront these emotions, but it's still challenging. part of me feels ugly and bad about myself. maybe when i think about how profound and "smart" the ed is, and i feel like i'm stupid and ugly for being the character who let go of embodying that and can now only theorise the profundity while looking ugly and being too stupid to engage in those behaviours...""".... like i said, it's challenging to confront all this. i feel ugly. i feel as though i'd be more beautiful and everything that is good about me would be more beautiful if i wasn't so stupid as to choose recovery. (this is where the split gets so intense that i project my disdain onto the bottom half of this list and tell myself "all those gratitudes are annulled by the fact that you're so ugly and bad now"....and i don't even feel that ugly today, but energetically it's still a thing...ugh... it's an odd thing, but recovery and health have been associated with guilt for a long time, and this keeps popping up sometimes. it hurts to be dealing with this. i feel guilt and like maybe i am doing something bad by trying to be healthy and nice to myself. i feel as though it might be bad of me to no longer hate myself and hurt myself. maybe people like me better and find me more beautiful when i'm mistreating myself. maybe i shouldn't have stopped doing that and it's bad of me that i try to heal and be healthy. maybe by doing that, i'm ruining any possibility of me ever being loved, or accepted, or good enough, or beautiful....ouch [feels like this supersedes what would be appropriate to write in a "gratitude journal"...] ...why am i so stupid as to "confront all these thoughts and feelings" when maybe i could just accept the beauty of how it works when one lives as an overtly vulnerable, frail, fragile self? i feel stupid for being too lazy to keep hating myself. it feels bad to choose life, and health, and recovery. i'm really stupid for doing that. gratitudes: i like the current length of my hair this afternoon i noticed that i was procrastinating, noticed that it didn't feel good, and stopped myself made some progress with my thesis after all:) feeling inspired to write down a schedule for myself again to keep track of daily routines:) my triceps feels different because i trained it yesterday this evening i spontaneously went cycling around town, in the dark, with my hair down. i felt the cool wind in my hair and on my skin. it felt nice. [it's hard right now to resist the very familiar thought that all of these don't count because i'm ugly and bad and not good enough...] [it hurts that i am kind of happy, i kind of feel good, i felt happy when cycling, but i also feel an inner conflict. ouch.]

@Schizophonia okay i do feel a little triggered. but it's kind of my own fault and i don't know if there's anything we can do about it. i don't want to live like that anymore, but it hurts to be reminded that it worked. it worked better than anything else, anything i could say with words now. and still, in those moments no one was there and i had to save myself. it hurts to think that maybe i should have just waited longer and then someone would have come around to help me. in my experience, that never happened and i had to let go of it all by myself. although i suppose there's the additional aspect that i have disorganised attachment so either i feel as though i depend on people saving me but never fully accept help, or i run from it and feel too vulnerable to let others help me.

@Schizophoniait's okay:) thank you