Judy2

[i feel stupid, i hate this journal] i am grateful for sleep and rest i am grateful for having a comfortable bed to sleep in i am grateful for having access to spiritual and self-help teachings i am grateful for having beautiful writing materials and journals to write in i am grateful for my pink keyboard and mouse because they look aesthetic and make working a lot more enjoyable i am grateful for the work i have put into my thesis these past two weeks i am grateful that it finally seems like i may manage to write my thesis i am grateful that i had the motivation to shave my legs this morning i am grateful for the existence of my friends

~

not really happy and feeling a bit bad about myself...

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it is okay to feel how i feel, in any given moment.

i'm still scared. all of this is new. i'm still unsteady, only learning how to walk. i only know the world in terms of extremes, and when that is gone, i get quite confused as to what to believe and where to hold onto (or "what to do with myself", as i would have phrased it in the past when i was still hesitant to do what i am doing now...and i do it now, not because i suddenly know it all, but because i know probably even less than before? because what i thought i knew before didn't really get me anywhere.......i'm just swimming (or walking, to stick with the analogy) out into the open, and there's Nothing there, no path....i have to create it as i am scrambling along, have to figure out where to go as i am walking, and walking itself isn't something i haven't mastered yet. for some reason, balance and moderation are scarier than any kind of unhealthy excess that i've become acquainted with throughout the years. with extremes, at least you know what's up and where to go. with balance, you're so unsteady, hovering in the middle, not sure what to use as orientation, how to get a clear sense of direction. that balancing act of hovering somewhere in the middle takes a lot of emotional confrontation, i guess. a lot of needing to tolerate and hold the emotions as they come up in my body, to sit with them patiently...which is practically entirely new for me.

hey:) so these past few weeks i have been trying to make a lot of changes in life, but i find that there's a high level of stress in the background that i don't quite know how to deal with. i'm constantly trying to "get thigs done": go for walks, journal, think about how to get better in life, think about my thesis, go to the gym, listen to self help podcasts, make or go to appointments, etc. etc. etc. i don't quite know how to relax, because anything i could do to relax, e.g. going for walks, is just more stuff that i need to get done. but doing nothing and just sitting around is really boring and doesn't seem to help me relax, either. ...would appreciate it if you guys have any insights on this or any suggestions as to what might help:)

@Princess Arabia i think the part where i'm supposed to do things for their own sake did the trick:) cause then there's nothing left to worry about, at least in that moment.

it's still scary to be me. i'm still very insecure. also, i'm realising that this whole process is less about "the good and the bad" and so much more about loosening my dichotomous patterns of thinking and cognition.

... got something a bit weird to share lol. so these past few days i've been watching some videos by Teal Swan and it got me thinking in terms of parts work and so on. i inquired into the whole bloating situation and played around with some perspectives (food-body-me, treating all of them as though they had a consciousness of their own) and came to some really odd conclusions. maybe i have now cracked the code for mindful eating...not sure. so basically i was asking how my mind - body - food all think of each other. as of now, neither of them is really trusting the other, so i tried to think of it in terms of how they might show respect or appreciation for each other as to build more trust. and then i sort of realised that i probably haven't been showing a lot of respect to the food that i eat, so there's a huge discord between it and my mind and body, and that may be causing the bloating. given that we are talking about a relationship with food here, i could turn eating into a whole conversation or communication between me and my food, and essentially tell my food how i feel about it while i prepare it and eat it? kind of stupid that i haven't thought of this before...it's like we're eating all the time and so of course there is a relationship aspect going on, and of course we should be mindful of that and show respect to our food. that sounds so odd, probably like i am on drugs or something...but it might actually be helpful? i'll try it out for a few days. ...it definitely feels quite vulnerable to be talking about food on here, to be honest. to be talking about my relationship with food - given that i have struggled with that for about a decade now, probably long before that, probably since i was a kid. very vulnerable. but i guess vulnerable is my new thing now? i'm still very scared, but i'll keep pushing myself. it seems like the right thing to do? to "feel the fear and do it anyway", as stereotypical and outdated as that sounds.

@Princess Arabiayes i was just joking around, i know what you meant:)

it's still difficult to focus on my thesis when emotionally, i'm dealing with so many things all at once. but i'll try my best.

...i can feel and be all of those things. but i feel so scared. but i can be alive and feel alive, and interact with life in a safe, effortless way. the feeling safe while interacting with life just needs some working on, i guess. a lot of working on. but when i do interact with life while feeling safe - and those moments do exist, i know - it feels safe and "normal" and effortless, nothing too deep, too existential...just normal existence. and yet that's something so special to me, even though it's so ordinary, cause i tend to think i don't deserve it (at least "not now, not yet"). it's so trippy to give myself that benefit of the doubt and to start believing that i am allowed to EXIST in this dream. it changes everything. takes time. takes stamina, calling it back into memory again and again...not falling for old beliefs. when the mind is used to those dichotomies of black and white thinking, and your very permission to exist, to BE hinges upon things being either right or wrong...it's funny what dimensions everything can take on. specificlly in regrd to your relationship to yourself, your own emotions, other people, randomly selected parts of experience that you project significance onto, life itself - everything. they're either heaven or hell, and in some moments the sense of contrast can elevate certain aspects of the Mind, of experience, to such spiritual realms, such highs...isolated highs, that only exist because of the dichotomous cognitive patterns. so if that cools down, if your permission to exist is suddenly unconditional...it all takes on a very ordinary note (i theorise?), it loses its massive heroin-like shininess along with the potential for the inevitable hellish come-downs...taking on this very ordinary, moderate shininess? (may need to rephrase this later.) don't know if i'm making sense here or if i managed to put into words what i was trying to say. had too much caffeine again. MIND, the dream, THIS, BEING HERE, BEING ALIVE ...is so trippy. ... i feel fascination for all the things that MIND can do.

(i'm scared.) life is scary. i'm not safe here. i want to feel safe. i want to feel happy, grounded. held, relaxed, connected.

i feel really bad about myself, like i'm really bad because life is still chaotic and i still am and feel unstable and unsteady so it's really, really, really wrong of me to be doing things differently and to be acting as though i knew what i was doing and as though i am allowed to exist and be here. that is so so so bad of me.

i want it to be seen and acknowledged how much hard work i am doing right now. ouch.

i feel bad. because i am - and i certainly still feel - so inherently unstable, so what am i even doing here, trying to do things differently now. that's bad of me! i'm not supposed to be doing that, not allowed to be doing that... ...i'm supposed to be doing the dysfunctional stuff, supposed to be quiet and silent and meek, self-contained...small, tiny, starving myself, hurting myself, hating myself. i'm supposed to be doing all of those things. so what am i even doing here, doing all of the opposites? that's bad of me. that's evil. i shouldn't be doing that. i'm not allowed to be doing that. and given that the paradigm is that people can only change with therapy, it's twice as bad that i am now suddenly able to change even without someone telling me how, or someone supporting me throughout, or someone reassuring me that that's the right thing (cause that's whati would have needed cause it is fucking difficult). that's so bad of me....i shouldn't be doing this, it's so wrong of me. to be doing all the hard stuff and the next therapist will tell me how i only changed on my own because i wasn't properly sick enough and not struggling enough.... i'm in pain.

trying to change is so scary. maybe part of why i am feeling so upset right now is because i wish someone could see or acknowledge how hard i am trying right now? how much energy and emotional labour it takes to do things differently... because if they only see it later on they'll all be like "oh yeah that's because you weren't really sick, otherwise you wouldn't have managed so easily...so like, it didn't actually take any effort for you at all, it's just that you weren't sick enough and so you just accidentally slipped into a different mode because really it wasn't hard for you at all." ...i suppose i want someone to validate HOW MUCH effort, strength, faith, foresight, and emotional labour this is taking right now, and that it's not easy for me at all. i wish someone could validate it...or i suppose i am spelling it out so fervently as to make it seen and validated.

mood swings are intense today. i really am trying now. i wonder if anybody believes me on this. cause like, doctors would say that's impossible that i'm doing it all on my own, without proper therapy. so like i'm not even "supposed" to be managing well right now, i'm expected to fail and expected to be dysfunctional, and it's wrong of me that i am resisting - knowing how painful that is (resisting the dysfunctional coping strategies, i mean), i SHOULD feel guilty for trying so hard now...it's bad of me that i'm trying not to hate me anymore! ...and on and on...living in my head is really stressful. it's painful. it's painful to be so strong and to be dealing with everything all on my own now. i feel guilty for "managing so well" despite how painful it all is, when some would say i'm not even expected or supposed to be able to manage. so like why am i doing it, if it feels so wrong and it's so painful? ouch.

@Princess Arabia i'm very much aware of how much of a problem i am lol;)

@Princess Arabia ok:)

...thought about it and i think this one's crucial to remind myself of:)

trying to share this not to prompt pity or anything, but to express these thoughts and emotions without needing to believe them (and without needing to act on them by punishing myself). to acknowledge that these thoughts are there, but i know they've been there many times and i'm allowed to be smarter now than to fully buy into them. i don't need to buy into these thoughts. but oh GOD it's painful.

this is usually one of those points when all good intentions collapse because the triggers are so intense, the emotions are so painful...and i just turn back around and go back to my old habits. because this is uncomfortable, the world keeps on being messy and painful and full of contrast...so this can't be the time to change yet, i must wait, it's not right to try and do better now. in fact it's even wrong of me to try to do better, it's evil, i'm not supposed to be so free when the world still looks like this, when it is this ugly.... ...this is exhausting and i'm in a bit of pain. it's uncomfortable.

i don't know how to protect myself in functional ways. i'm really trying to figure that out, but it's really painful and i kinda feel really bad about myself.