Judy2

...how to handle the burden of making life choices all the time without being too self-centred? these past few weeks, i have noticed just how selfish and self-centred i am, and i don't like it. i don't mean that i make inherently selfish decisions per se, but the mere act of needing to overthink life plans feels a) exhausting and b) like it inevitably requires great deals of selfishness or at the very least, self-centredness. how can i handle this burden that is my inevitable, inescapable existence as a person, right here, who wakes up again and again, every morning, and feels so limited, feels constant discomfort, constant pressure because nothing is ever enough to make me feel special or whole? i notice this pattern and how i project my incompleteness onto everything and everyone, and yet, i can't stop. i hate being so self-centred but i don't see any alternative, given that there is always stuff i need to "figure out" to try to finally make things okay in my life.

that's one of my favourites:)

yes...i mean, that's easier said than done. have you done it? permanently, i mean, not just by taking some lsd. i switched from watching videos to listening to audiobooks because i feel like that's a little less 'invasive' when it comes to having something to soothe me to sleep.

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it's so annoying to constantly try and figure out what to do next to make this moment okay... do i need better skin care? a thai massage? laser hair removal? a ninja creami? do i need to exercise more and that's really it? read more fiction? get audible to listen to audiobooks that help me relax? do i need to look different, have different clothes, get better at doing my make-up? do i need to travel more? do i need to draw up a schedule to check off every time i meditate? do i need to learn five languages to be able to feel worthy? do i need to be more disciplined writing down my dreams every morning, feeling and appreciating the depth of them? do i need to get pedicures more often to feel like i am taking care of myself? do i need trauma therapy and that'll resolve everything? do i need to feel my emotions more and just 'be more conscious'? do i need a nicer apartment with prettier furniture? do i need the piano that's currlently not at my place but at my grandma's, so that i can finally relax? ....it's so pointless, but i can't stop and don't know what the alternative is.

i love that:) thank you for reminding me!

@Ziran thank you:) i guess what's missing is a sense of belonging or being at home. which is a bit paradoxical to achieve when things are constantly moving and developing, and yet, i'd probably complain about being bored if they were too static and there was nothing left to work toward. it's just hard to balance those two.

in the mental health section someone alluded to it when i replied to their post about how therapy should be done exclusively by AI. and somewhere else someone got upset about my character, too.

for example my forum journal. it's been criticised before and i am very aware that i am a bit self-centred in it, although i'm not sure how that's not a more or less essential part of journalling. it feels cathartic to me to put my emotions into words and helpful to share sometimes, but i wonder all the time what others think and if this is wrong or something. to me, journalling/writing unites my passion for emotional reflection/introspection and languages and i've been doing it for a long time even just for myself. sometimes the additional element of sharing what i write feels nice because it's like some of the thoughts and emotions going on in the mind, i do find interesting or fascinating, after all, and then it's more fun to express that and carry that out into the world. does that make sense? is this wrong? i think since it feels so natural to me, it's okay that this is a part of my life, but maybe i should practice this in healthier or more deliberate ways? though i am not sure what that would look like, either.

thank you for explaining. i think i'll have to re-read this a couple of times before i understand. i definitely recognise this tension of wanting things to change or stay the same all day.

yes, i know....i've heard and thought this about a million times, but i still can't stop cause i don't even know what the alternative would look like.

maybe i just need to do more of the things that make me forget myself? but idk if that approach is fool-proof.

noted:)

i thought about this recently. maybe the constant rebirthing is also something you are doing again and again in this life, and to stop doing it would mean to stop (over)identifying with/ getting overly attached to things/identities even just within the scope of this lifetime.

context?

yes i can relate:)

...still struggling. i wish i wasn't, but there's still so much worry and fear in my system....and then i'm quite sad about that, too. just so much going on rn. so many thoughts i can't quite sort through them even though most of them are running on repeat. i can't get over the fact that i am so behind in life. wish i wasn't. i feel so stupid. i know i basically lost two whole years due to traumatic events a couple of years ago and how i coped by just doing nothing at all, sitting around all day waiting for something to happen....now i am so freaking hyperactivated and i try to do it all and i don't have enough time and i STILL don't know what should become of me. of course it's ironic that mental illness is why i am so behind, and now my "mental illness" gets very upset about this and hung up on it. i just worry so much because i want to be happy and i literally don't know how. sorry for being so self-centred...

much better day today:) i had a great time at the gym, i am feeling hopeful because exercise is helping me a lot (so it's a valuable resource i have in my life) and i am wearing one of my favourite outfits now (dark blue skirt and a white top with little light blue flowers).

stupid allostatic load:) it's starting to make sense, though, why it could be useful to learn about this stuff. i had a bad day today, and yesterday evening didn't go my way, either. but i think i sort of understand where i'm at now, and that it's a problem (maybe the problem) that i put so much pressure on myself to have everything figured out RIGHT NOW. i tend to feel that the problem is my not having things figured out, but maybe the problem is the forcefulness with which i try to resolve everything in an instant, as though that would guarantee my happiness - which i know it wouldn't, and i'd probably feel more depressed than ever if i suddenly had things mapped out and then inevitably had to ask myself "really, that's it?". it's not great to procrastinate on making big decisions and plans, but wanting to do the exact opposite and needing to resolve everything right in this moment, putting this burden on my present self to have all the answers and more for future-me doesn't seem to work for me, either - it's more harm than good, really. so actually, i may be a bit bold now and do a little bit less, chill, relax, tell myself that it's ENOUGH to focus on healthy routines and hobbies for now. i don't have to have my entire life mapped out. i can still do that half a year from now, if it's obviously too much of a burden to place on myself presently. and it counts as success, too, if i'm a bit behind in terms of jobs if it means i can take good care of my mental health and have fun focussing on my exercise and other hobbies in the meantime. which is what i'd promised myself to do a year ago, anyway - but somewhere along the way i seem to have forgotten about it. in general, i keep forgetting about this perspective all too often.

i am experiencing a lot of confusion and fear. what the hell am i even doing? how do i know that what i am doing is "right"? feels impossible to know. i'm so scared. it's been helpful to focus on my exercise routine, go cycling in the evenings, and practice running. the rest is just super overwhelming. it feels hard and scary to deal with all of this confusion and uncertainty on my own.

now there's the emotion. our cognitive neuroscience professor made us watch this. i was expecting more technical, abstract information on resilience - instead, Lucy Hone casually drops how she lost her 12-year-old daughter (without a single tear) and then goes on to tell how she survived that experience. great video. emotional all throughout:) very sad, but very .... comforting?, too.

okay now i'll calm down again and focus on the things that are good:) i like running, i like the gym, i got new sportswear that i can wear tomorrow, i am here, i am safe, i got me, i can feel myself, it's all good, i'll be okay.

i feel tired, exhausted. too much thinking and studying. just because i'm fascinated with emotions, dreams, the Psyche, doesn't mean i wanna hear sciency, cold, mechanistic blob about neurons all day. it seems kind of delusional how universities dissect the psyche into pieces, blatantly ignoring the Presence of Consciousness as a whole - the way it is right here, around us, within us, this very moment. all these lectures kind of lack intuition, emotion, feeling - which are the things i am after. i just wanna be a housewife, spend all day in the kitchen and start having babies. i'm pretty sure i'd be happy doing that. i wanna be, and feel. still such a struggle for me to know how to be happy. maybe i just wanna write cookbooks, after all. but i need a bigger kitchen for that, and someone who can help with the photos. and a better relationship with food and my body and my sense of self. ... or maybe, just maybe, it's time to take my own therapy more seriously and actually talk about how i feel scared and lost and insecure and not sure about what to do with myself. which would then also grant me some nice access to the consciousness and feelings i mentioned feeling fascinated with. it's just tough because of my current avoidant tendencies, and how it feels safer to shield people out completely or basically interact with them in ways that make me think afterward "yeah i'm glad that didn't count i won't really let anyone in and they can't get near me now let me go home and be safe and in peace". writing does feel nice. English feels nice, too. that confuses me so much. English and French. i remember languages being there every time i exited more depressive, conflicted phases of suffering, and they make me feel good and cool and change my personality. which is another thing - is it good, is it bad, that i probably picked this because this, too, is just another expression of how nonexistent my sense of self really is? how much i need an ego boost by saying hey look i can speak so many languages and have such nice accents... i don't want my first degree to be all in vain, and it won't be...but i'm just really not sure how to be happy, and i've felt pretty convinced that teaching won't make me happy and i need something more intense, more loaded - work with sick people and traumatised people, victims and perpetrators...., in intense situations, with intense emotions - and i get the vibe, ...but ...oh God i'm so confused. or i could just chill, open a café, write books, teach some English and French here and there.... no matter which way i imagine this, my brain always projects so much lack, so much inadequacy - so how can i even make authentic choices when there's such dense overlay attributing my (lack of) self-worth to all of this, and no matter what i pick i think it's not enough??? and i also wanna have kids soon, and how do i make that happen when in my mind other people aren't even real or serious enough for me to bother interacting with in meaningful ways. like my brain's still in fantasy land and i just like being on my own - but then i have to find a job in a world that's real, with real people, and i have to be a real person, most of all - which i hate - and i wanna have a real baby and a real family and real friends...all the while, i don't want to be real, don't want this to be real, don't want Life to be now....cause it's always so imperfect and messy and mixes all the beauty with fhe ugliness and the chaos, and it's never enough - i'm never enough, always WAY too ugly! then that's another thing with bpd - that opening up in therapy is mega-twisted, because how do you talk about your attachment wounds without your attachment wounds getting in the way when you know exactly you got only x sessions left and then they'll abandon me anyway, so why should i even bother???

maybe these are also confusing times because, once again, i'm trying to look at all the loose threads of the past and piece them all together into one coherent image - which is a lot of pressure to put on my present and future self. so a nicer approach would be to look at the things that interest me • cooking • nutrition • writing • English • French • exercise • criminal/forensic psychology • psychotherapy/mental illness and mental health and then take small, incrimental steps every day to see what's possible in each of these respective areas - without pressuring myself to have to know the outcome, trusting that i will find the right way. there we have that word again: trust. duh!