Judy2

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i feel extremely overwhelmed because of the thesis. scared that i won't manage. i have got no idea what i am doing and don't know how to make this go anywhere good. plus i'm stressed because i can't talk to anyone right now, so i'll probably waste two weeks until i can speak with a counsellor again. too much emotion! thinking about hurting myself (i won't but the thoughts are there). i don't feel safe!!!! feeling super uncomfortable. i hate this. i hate myself! it's all too much, i don't want this!!! also, my neighbour is extremely disrespectful and listening to odd music at an unreasonably high volume.

pushed myself to go outside because it is supposed to help with my mood saw two purple butterflies the sun is shining the sky is nice and blue, with some white clouds there are some green trees, they look nice in the sun walking feels good i am being nice to myself and taking care of myself. it's new that i am able to do this. this is progress, i'm not stuck. the soft breeze feels nice on my skin

~

pushed myself to go outside because it is supposed to help with my mood saw two purple butterflies the sun is shining the sky is nice and blue, with some white clouds there are some green trees, they look nice in the sun walking feels good i am being nice to myself and taking care of myself. it's new that i am able to do this. this is progress, i'm not stuck. the soft breeze feels nice on my skin

[ low energy and motivation today. hopelessness, fear.] i talked to my dad and told him i could use his support to help me re-direct with my thesis i booked a coaching session for tomorrow and hope that it will offer some insights as to how i can improve the things i am currently struggling with ... still feeling really low, lost, it seems futile to even try to pick myself up again. idk, maybe i just need a break. not sure.

there's also so much stress and emotional pressure/tension because of the thesis right now. i am scared, i feel overwhelmed. i'm scared i won't manage. ouch.

i feel as though i am being abandoned/let down, and there are so many challenges right now that i had hoped i could get help with...i don't know how to manage all of these obstacles on my own right now...it's too much.

my counsellor sent me an email saying she's ill, and it'll be another two weeks until i get to speak with her again. so i'm left all on my own, having to deal with the stress, the thesis, food and body image. not great! i would have really appreciated receiving some support today!

... i hate my struggles with food and bloating. this is NOT okay. it's so stupid, such an unnecessary source of suffering and discomfort. Why??? why do i have to struggle so much with this, when for others it's all easy-going and they have never had to give much thought to it? i have been struggling with this for years and years, it seems hopeless, i'm scared that i will never overcome this, that i'll never be at peace with my body, that food will always be a problem in my life in one way or another. i feel scared and hopeless. i look back at all these years in which i DIDN'T succeed at resolving this. so what makes me think i have any chance of resolving this now? i desperately want it to be resolved, and yet i don't know how. i feel angry at the nutritionist for not providing better assistance, i feel disappointed...as a specialist for people with eds she should be able to help with this sort of thing and have something wise to say about it...she didn't, and now she'll keep me waiting until mid-September. a lot can happen until then. i'm scared, left alone, without support. i hate that. i hate all of this. i hate myself for being so stupid and struggling so much with the most banal, unnecessary things. food shouldn't be such a big deal, it shouldn't be such a big struggle. and neither should appearance/body image.

i am trying to be nice to myself despite feeling really low today. it seems as though i can't do anything about the low mood...so i'll just let it be and hold on, knowing that it won't last forever and i'll feel better in a few days. i really like my outfit today: a black jumpsuit (very flowy pants) with a black and white cardigan. looks good and makes for a nice silhouette. i keep working on my thesis even though i am scared had a nice chat with a friend of mine (the one who showed me the workouts) in the hallway [feeling bad, etc.] [hating myself, uncomfortable.] going for an evening walk because i know that it's good for me *cultivating hopefulness: i am hoping/praying that my meeting with the counsellor at university tomorrow can help me find solutions for my struggles with food, body image, the thesis...and everything else. she seems competent and like she'll be able to give at least some new advice that will help a little bit. music feels good walking feels good

@Eskilon thank you:)

i'm really scared! just in general.

i guess the point is that even though i'm eating, i'm still really insecure and scared around food. it still feels forbidden and dangerous on some level, so i'm trying to cope with that by figuring out all the 'right' choices.

probably buy a nice house in a nice location:) and then do something good for humanity with the rest. what spontaneously comes to mind is children in need, and maybe improving the education system to account for more general life skills, mental and emotional well-being...as this isn't taught or prioritised enough yet, and it could have a huge positive effect on many people's lives, and the kind of society they will go on to co-create in the future. ...this is just what i spontaneously came up with...but what you're saying makes sense! so for me it's like a mixed interest in education and psychology...haven't yet decided between the two. as of now, i'm not actively pursuing either...thanks for reminding me that i should:)

...noticed that i've been trying for two weeks to figure out the perfect meal plan, thinking that once i figure it out, i'll be released from this whole struggle and never have to think about food again...when in reality this whole endeavour led me to think and obsess a lot more about food than i would have needed to. so i'm letting go of this expectation now. i can stop thinking about this. i trust myself to make reasonable decisions that are in line with my goals (health, satiety, self-care, fitness). i trust that things can evolve naturally over time, and that i can tune in with myself, my body, my emotions...and learn to make reasonable decisions around food. ...by the way, i tried the avocado at lunch today. it was really good, so i'll probably stick with that for a few days and see where it goes. other than that, i figured that hemp seeds might be a nice source of healthy fats to try because i don't really see myself bingeing on those, so i'd be totally fine having just a tablespoon or so a day and using them up slowly. dinner today was a bit bad because i got bloated again, but that went down and by now i'm already feeling better. it's okay that i am still struggling there and i'll do my best to figure out how to resolve this and make small improvements in the days and weeks to come♡

(:

okay:) i don't think it will stay this way forever. things can change, your perspective can still shift, and maybe some of that aliveness, richness, joy is yet to be discovered:)

"but it would be so much humbler and more virtuous (and safer) to keep hating myself." but it doesn't lead anywhere. working against myself doesn't lead anywhere. i'm already here, with all of my emotions and all the rest. i can't undo that. so instead of working against all that, really, what choice do i have but to work with that? to integrate, rather than to disintegrate...and so on.

...these past few weeks, every now and then i have found myself wondering if you guys think i am being too self-centred, especially in my two new journals. i notice that a lot of my gratitudes are about "myself" - and that's not supposed to seem narcissistic or anything, like i'm using this to now show off an inflated sense of self. [i guess i'm really scared i'll seem narcissistic and arrogant if i stop hating myself and being mean to myself?] i was self-centred before, too, when i was actively engaged in staying miserable (had to be cause i was scared for my Life), and i'm self-centred now, trying really hard to improve my self-image and change the internal programming i have about myself and the world. i hope this doesn't come across as too narcissistic and i'm sure there'll be times when i'll be ready to be more outwardly focussed. the positivity i am trying to practice in regards to my self-image is not supposed to be an unhealthy narcissism...it's supposed to practise and improve my ability to notice things about myself and my life that i dislike, and to allow them to co-exist with other things that i find beautiful, positive, inspiring. to allow this colourful mix to exist...and that takes a lot of work right now, because i'm usually very attached to a sort of idealism - my (ego) mind's version of Existential Purity and Perfection. perhaps once i got used to this practice, i'll be able to be more outgoing as well...or maybe i already am (at least in daily interactions), it's just that my journal entries are still really self-centred, because that's the locus of the hard inner work i am doing atm. but really, this practice doesn't just apply to myself, it also applies to how i see others...that i can appreciate their beauty, without feeling too threatened by it because i feel inferior...and to be more accepting of other people's apparent weaknesses, because i know real life is messy and complicated and challenging, so i empathise with them and their flaws.

[i am scared; i have doubts] i would like to See that it is possible for me to be and stay Lean in a way that feels Healthy, Balanced, Sustainable, Stable, Joyful, Pleasurable... i want that to be possible for me. i want to feel beautiful and be fit, from a place of self-love [rather than suppression, self-hatred, needing to restrict or force myself to do things] i want this to come natural to me, to feel joyful, and effortless. not to say i am not willing to do things for this (exercise, gym, general activity, healthy nutrition), but i don't want it to feel as though i am working against my body or being mean to myself. i want it to feel as though i am working for and with my body. i want to be beautiful and lean and fit in a way that is healthy for my body, soul, and mind that feels sustainable and that leaves me feeling good in the long term. !

~

@Sugarcoat...a few more thoughts, cause i'm feeling inspired: it's not just that you have a life or that you are alive....you ARE LIFE! so it is really natural for you to want to be alive - because you are Life - unless there's a part of you that feels separate from it, which tends to make the matter a whole lot more complicated, as you can see when you look at the average human being and the way in which they suffer. you're still Life, in that case, but a bit like an illusory knot in the fabric of life that tries to be its own thing, and wonders why it feels so separate and disintegrated. you say that you feel disconnected or that you lost your sense of self, but i am assuming that this is not the same as the sort of spiritual dissolution of the separate self. in this case, i would suppose that it's more as though the self has gone into hiding and that something is being suppressed to a more intense degree than before. perhaps this is worth inquiring into a little further. ...just my impression from what you are saying and without any judgement whatsoever, it's just what i understand the situation to be from what you have shared. perhaps inquiring a little into this can help you. it's possible to let this sort of thing go full circle, rather than judging yourself for feeling even more separate or disconnected than what is considered normal. so you could in fact see this as an opportunity to find out what true connection means. all the best<3 and sorry if i couldn't articulate this any better...i hope i'm making some sense here.

from the Mind's perspective, Life is an interplay of duality and non-duality. that's what makes Life interesting - moving liminally between these lines and experiencing shifts in perspective.

i went for a walk yesterday because i knew that it would be an act of self-care i like my hair and the length it is at right now i slept well i am trying to have a good day and make positive things happen randomly polished my nails for the first time in a while and now i'm happy every time i look at my hands:) the nails are nice and shiny, with a subtle hint of glitter:) suppose this will make working on my thesis more enjoyable in the weeks to come. sounds a bit stupid, but typing with polished nails is more fun; it gives the brain something aesthetic to focus on while working. went to the gym...i like that my legs and arms are leaner (not in the sense of emaciated, non-substantial or non-existent, but toned, defined, well-proportioned) than they ever have been. like a healthy type of thin that i thought i could never be....so it's cool to see that i can be that.