Sugarcoat

@Schizophonia omg that’s so sweet of you

I still wanna do more psychedelics. Maybe I’m wired differently

I feel I have different ways I’d like to go i would either like to have a normal ego like others have. Or id like to have full dissolution. What could be negative when there’s no ego there? or id like to, maybe this is the ideal one, self realize beyond the ego. So seeing that the ego is illusion, but it could still be there

Wow hundreds of trips and you’re still not permanently dissolved? There’s no hope for us

What is that “death” you talk about?

It was like that up until a certain point. In the beginning when I was shedding layers of ego I’d feel more alive after it happened But then it got to a point where it broke down so much ego that I didn’t have a normal ego left, only a tiny speck, so I felt more dead instead. It’s like im almost in an empty void /nothingness all of the time So you still want a certain level of ego to feel alive. It’s quite fascinating, when my ego was at its thinnest. As I wrote in my other post, it was almost like there was nothing at all. Almost like death Yea. But I still say and I’ve said it for over a year now. It’s very simple. It’s incomplete self dissolution

Omg you put in words something that I’ve had on my mind. I’ve thought it’s like the self illusion can drop without dissolving the self. So there’s still a self structure in place but it’s “seen through”. Because I still have the illusion of self intact, I still feel I am the self. But what i say is that I’ve dissolved a big portion of its structure, because it used to be way denser in the past I remember Oh like derealization / depersonalization, yes it’s not that. right now as I’m writing this I barely feel like I exist. The sense of self is so thin and weak. It’s like it’s super “subtle” that’s the best way to put it in words. And it has been like that constantly for over a year now.

Maybe there’s different forms of awakening? So not all of them lead to this “levitating with so much energy” id agree with you. I don’t agree with those who say it’s easy . Exactly , monks spend entire lifetimes and some dont get there still. I personally believe it’s something in the brain that creates the self so you gotta break through that You won’t believe this but what I have basically done since childhood is a form of observation of the self/self inquiry. And that’s why so much dissolved april 2023 I had a big breakthrough that put me in this subtle yet profound bliss So I’m stuck with this thin sense of self (that’s why I feel I barely exist) . And I’ve been stuck with for over a year now.

They have total self dissolution. It’s a whole different thing. Difference between 1% and infinity is major. Can’t compare I’m talking about having a little ego left that is discontent with its “barely alive” existence A consequence of the partial self dissolution is that I feel an extreme “lightness” in my body (because it releases tension). Im not really looking for help with this post. Just writing as self expression.

”there’s no ego really” is just words to me. To me there seems to be a real ego/self pretty much constantly present. What happened to me is that I went through a thinning of it, so it’s much thinner than it used to be I walk 15 k steps a day I feel it makes no difference But thanks anyways. I’m not really looking for help with this post I just write like self expression for no reason

@meta_male It’s that I went through a lot of shedding the ego over the years so it left me with this tiny ego . So the boundary between me and the rest is not so strong i do exercise a little maybe I should do it more…

I feel like you can do spirituality and all of that. Contemplation, meditation, psychedelics. And it all has a kind of mechanism, maybe a mechanism in the brain, how it affects the sense of self, and can contribute to breaking it apart (that’s the goal right? What else is there to do if you wanna see the reality instead of breaking the self? But the thing is, what happens is that “spirituality” then turns into a world view, ideas and beliefs you hold. It turns into an attachment of your ego, you identify as spiritual person. Your worldview in your mind shapes your view of the world like a mental filter, so you see through your own mental filter. the trick is that it’s precisely THAT you want to BREAKTHROUGH. That’s kinda what happened to me. I meditated and saw how “spirituality” was a world view I held attached to my ego, so that layer of my mind/ego dissolved upon seeing that. So today I could do spirituality , but it would be without the attachment to ego, it would be “pure” so to speak.

Thanks .

Yea could be a form of that. The difference being I don’t feel “distant” but rather I could lowkey melt into the enviroment at any moment and loose myself and my connection to myself.

Then I know who to write to if I ever need some info … for now ima just keep working on trying to become independent from my family

Ofc you know you hippie Im just a lone wolf

Yea then it’s a matter of finding them. Or just fuck it and do it alone

Or better because they’re Christian ima say I’m trying to tap into Christ consciousness

Yea exactly. If I need a trip sitter I’d have to get to know someone

Thanks. Well I’d like to try more of it but I live at my parents and they keep an eye on my transactions so I have to be sneaky somehow.

I lowkey feel like the meditation did nothing for me (maybe I needed even more of it), but psychedelics immediately attacked the self structure. That’s why I wanna try them more. I believe it’s all scientific, meditation and psychedelics do something in the brain that affects the self structure, more or less. So it’s a matter of breaking that mechanism

@Salvijus thanks. But would you believe me if I said that my situation is due to ~incomplete~ self dissolution? So it’s like I have tiny ego left that that is less than regular ego

@Breakingthewall i tried to do meditation a few months ago, 2-3 hours a day and i did that for a little while then stopped. Its lack of desire for it , i can do things when i have strong desire for it, but i dont have strong desire for it (or for anything for that matter) I did in teenage years daily meditation for over a year but then stopped too. I’d like to try drugs

@Breakingthewall to be completely honest, I don’t have enough desire to meditate that’s my issue. I guess psychedelics would be better for me then

It was like the end of “something”