Sugarcoat

I have thought that too. It’s like a backwards question, someone might ask “ why are you suicidal” but to ask “why are you not ending yourself “ is a bit weird. It’s like “why are you not going to the store and buying 10 bananas and placing the peels on the floor so people slip”

@UnbornTao “Allow yourself to feel emotions” would change my experience if it was the case that I was repressing them to begin with. A scientist can observe nature and come to conclusion about something. In similar way you can observe your internal and come to a conclusion. Whether it’s true in the absolute sense could be questioned, we can call a chair a chair but is it really a chair because where is the actual border of the chair? But I guess you aren’t talking in absolute terms now. I didn’t say emptiness was a negative experience. It’s a neutral experience because it’s devoid of both positive and negative emotion. But it can be viewed logically as negative, without necessarily ~feeling~ negative about it because one recognizes that one misses out on positive human experiences in that state. And there might be different types of emptiness, the non dual emptiness that you talk about could still include emotions, but a state of being empty doesn’t. Both could coexist at the same time, one could see the self as empty, with or without emotion. You emphasize the power of the mind. I personally have not found a way I could create positive emotion using my mind. And I doubt you could turn off all your emotions and reach a state like mine using your mind. If you can, seems like a special ability. The mind may be powerful but it is not all powerful. I see your point about the creation of the distinction between positive and negative emotion. But still it doesn’t mean that a person couldn’t experience only one side of the duality for a while. I include concepts and the mind in “experience”. You can use your mind to describe your mind. You can say that you experience your own mind. Even if the self is purely mind, you could describe the experience of a weakening of that self, a dissolution of that mind self. Here we connect back to the point about if the mind is self generated or not. If you think the mind is ALL my own doing, then you’re saying I was the one who caused the weakening of my self, but if you recognize some aspect of mind can be inherent to how you function and beyond your total control, you can recognize an objective change in your experience that occurred beyond your control. Using the mind in functional, healthy ways can help yes. But I still see the mind as somewhat limited in its power. There could be experience beyond the minds doing, positive or negative, or neutral.

I haven’t gotten diagnosis as of yet for the physical. When I tell the doctors about the mental aspect they consider it a “delusion” so they put me on anti psychotics, which didn’t help In my journey of partial self dissolution, every time a layer to my self would dissolve, it felt freeing and I got more happy/peaceful. But it was temporary Towards the end, it started to rather feel like I was approaching a kind of nothingness, which is the emptiness I’ve described Problems I had in the past , such as social anxiety, existential anxiety, self image issues, all vanished the more my self weakened. So yes you and the spiritual people are right, it is freeing But mostly in spirituality they talk about complete self dissolution, and it’s described as positive sometimes (although some describe a nothingness too) Partial and full self dissolution are two different things, they don’t really talk about how it is to partially dissolve then being stuck in that state. It’s a different matter I plan on starting to exercise more soon, and going back to eating really healthy. I don’t know if I wanna do meditation tho lol .So I will see how that goes. I do think there is a neurological component. Like attention, the mind, awareness can and has changed something neurologically- seems possible. Dissolution of self seems to have neurological component (as you see I haven’t dropped the dissolution concept😂) I agree there’s two kind of self awareness. One which is just pure awareness of the internal. And another that is a self centered focus and concern for the self image. I find I have a lot of both. So yes I’m full of myself, but not only that I still don’t understand how negative and positive emotion arise simultaneously, do you mean that someone can’t be JUST happy for a moment? Like there’s always a negativity in the background of that? It’s ok if you find me impossible to talk to because I keep returning to the same description. To me it’s just me describing my experience

You’re funny I just looked at the response but I’ll reply later . Maybe I left the tab open or something so it seems I’ve been here for long

I have stopped it to some degree. So there is a degree of direct awareness of it. It’s just that some patterns can repeat themselves because they’re so deeply ingrained in us, so it takes some work to stop Lack of emotion, both positive and negative, is what I call neutrality, whether it’s more suitable to call apathy, maybe, I don’t know the exact definition. But yes it’s my state most of the time, and it’s not due to lack of internal awareness. I have always been very inwardly focused (it contributes to the neutrality) I don’t have that good memory of the past but I don’t see how positive and negative emotions arise together I have made some improvements to my mindset that has helped me. But yes there’s still more improvement possible .

Self might be non existent, but there’s still a SENSE of self. If that sense of self permanently weakens, to various degrees, that’s what I call partial self dissolution. You are the one who has your sense of self, so you’re the only one that can know for sure if it has weakened. For me. It led to almost loosing the center sense. It left me empty (emptiness is not suffering to me, it’s neutral because it lacks both positive and negative emotion). It left me with no libido, almost no sense of “dopamine hit “ from anything. It’s not suffering. It’s just a lack of positive experiences, and lack of sense of experience at all. Mind you, when I took 5 Meo dmt , and dissolved the self even further temporarily. I also experienced this emptiness . So there seems to be a correlation between weakening of sense of self and those things I mentioned. I am sure that something in my brain has changed (neuroplasticity?) over the years. The lack of dopamine I feel is one sign. So I’m sure it has some neurological component . You’re funny I mean, isn’t anything a story. It’s just describing direct experience. In the same way we are aware of external world and can describe it (like my house is yellow) we can describe internal experiences using our internal awareness.

I see your point Several months since I was at the doctors for my mental health so I don’t know when next one will be Im not looking forward to anything in particular

I recognize that me imagining the future and feeling resistance is something that is unnecessarily being generated in the present moment. And that there is the possibility of stopping that. I’ve been trying to do that and had a little bit improvement . Trying to change my view of it into something manageable rather than negative As I said before the majority of the time I feel neutral. I genuinely don’t know how to feel good, I don’t know a method to produce good feeling. The negative resistance I can feel sometimes is very subtle btw. So I’m not able to generate strong negative emotions either. I just don’t know how to generate significant emotion

It’s a relative understanding , it’s like in the same way I can say that the sky is blue with certainty I could write a post going into detail about my story, it would be shocking to people, because it’s so radically different from anything anyone has ever heard. It’s beyond spirituality even. But I don’t write in detail or clearly about it because I don’t feel a need to. So yall that are commenting on me don’t know the entire story so your comments aren’t really grounded If anyone thinks I’m delusional to that I can say that I’ve tried two anti psychotics, one for over a year (I’m still on it) and it makes ZERO difference But I still see your point. It could happen that someone creates a narrative in their head that hasn’t really happened.

It’s just random self expression coming from a place of occasionally viewing suicide as an escape from this current life where in particular the future doesn’t look bright I don’t really feel joy . Most of the time I’m neutral or just so slightly worse than neutral

I see doctors yes I will try to just deal with it as long as I have it. As long as I can bear I find that my mental issues are a result of an irreversible process of self dissolution (not complete but partial self dissolution).But it sounds very weird so I’m perfectly fine if you don’t believe that. Over a year of mental medication has done absolutely nothing . If someone just can’t bear it no more I don’t see it as unjustified for them to kill themselves. Nobody has an obligation to live.

I’ve tried to not view it so negatively because it adds to the suffering. To not stress about it before hand in my mind. Some spiritual teachers say that pain and suffering is not the same. So suffering is pain+ resistance. It’s hard idea to swallow but I’ve been trying to identity the ways I resist in my mind and seeing if I can stop doing that, if it could help the pain. I see your point. It can apply to many. It’s common for people to apply a normal world view onto my mental problems that are in no way normal. It simply isn’t applicable in the same way I won’t go into if my problem is permanent or not because it’s not necessary but I do find I have an understanding of the mental aspect of my problems.

Because brain produces self illusion and psychedelics act on the brain to break down that mechanism that imagines a self Ive experienced how changes in brain changes self. So the brain and self go hand in hand. Mind creates self (maybe not all of it), but what produces the mind🤔

I wonder the same. Like if the self is the veil wouldn’t all of reality be revealed when the self is seen through or “drops”. The non dual nature of reality. And devoid of a veil what could be hidden? If awakening includes realization of infinite love, nothing, infinity, wouldn’t that all simultaneously reveal itself after self is dropped because it’s the only thing that has ever veiled it? Its one of the deepest questions you could ask

Years and years of self inquiry led me to a point of being almost devoid of a self. Stuck in this “in between “ state of life and death

🤫

I find the subtle depression (it’s hard for me to tell how depressed I am, but it’s not so severe) to be linked to it but not the rest

I have neurological issues that cause physical pain. Doctors haven’t came to a definitive diagnosis yet. Meds don’t help. Suicide can simply be because someone can’t bear their suffering. Even if the suffering isn’t permanent per se it can still be going on for a long enough time. If someone is suffering in unbearable ways, why does it matter that maybe in 2 years it will improve? It’s still unbearable in the present moment and for a long enough time. Some may not find it bearable to go through at all On top of the physical stuff I’m in this constant 24/7 state of feeling like I almost don’t exist at all, like nothing exists almost, severely empty, slightly depressed, like I’m walking around in almost a void. Zero emotion, zero libido, romantic nor sexual (that’s why I can’t date for example). Meds don’t help it either. I can have a positive thought but the thought is so weak, it doesn’t change my state both mentally or physically. A thought cannot create a positive emotion, it cannot fulfill me, it doesn’t have that power. That’s how it is for me at least. I find that the reason I haven’t killed my self yet is that it hasn’t gotten to an unbearable point yet The mental part is bearable. I can handle being empty and slightly depressed and devoid of emotion, libido and human connection. The physical has been kinda bearable too. But it could get worse Until then I’m holding on.

I can’t know if my problems are due to ego because I don’t know if they would be there if my ego was fully dissolved. But it does seem to me like my problems are due to ego, the self reacting to a disconnect within the self/lack of self Self dissolution is self dissolution, it means what it says. My self almost completely disappeared: and it hasn’t came back to normal for over two years. It feels empty because there’s a lack of a sense of “something”. The appearance lacks significant substance. My skull feels hollow like I’m barely there, same with other people. I used to feel bliss when my self got thinner: but it was a temporary bliss. Ultimately it led me to an almost empty state. You can’t really compare me to Ramana because he reached full enlightenment and I’ve never been there.

I deal with physical pain and I have been able to shift my mindset to think less negative about it but only to a certain degree . It’s like it’s so deeply ingrained in us to have aversion to physical pain it feels extremely difficult to think positively about it. I have been trying to stop resisting it and have found it help a little bit I find I understand why I’m suffering I am in a quite unusual state. Years and years of self inquiry left me in this very empty disconnected state that I’ve been in constantly for over a year now. Its not caused by my thinking. No I don’t expect life to just be handed to me. I don’t know why you’d ask such a question

Strong🙏🏻

I’m coward to actually do it 😆

Thanks

I have also found changing your mindset can help in overcoming some of the suffering. But then it’s also so ingrained in us to feel negative about certain circumstances so it can be hard to stop the mind. Emotional numbness is a symptom of the state I am in. I am slightly depressed and that’s also a symptom of the state I am in. The enjoyment I feel from connecting with people on here is like a 1 out of ten in strength. It’s really weak. I have a subtle wish to live To answer since you asked I am alone sometimes but it doesn’t bother me. I can talk about my struggles to my family but I don’t feel the need to. I don’t have much of a need to talk about it at all. I have a more casual view of suicide than the average person. I believe it’s up to me so I don’t mind having things around that could help

It seems to me letting go is a big piece of the puzzle because there’s a lot of energy that goes into maintaining the self But I don’t feel like it’s the entire puzzle. It seems to me like my mind/brain somehow maintains a kind of core self without my own effort or doing