Jannes

From god consciousness!?

Perfect. Well I dont know shit but intuitively this makes sense.

My friend who invited me to the festival just asked how I am doing. Damnit I cant find the quote, somewhere here I wrote that I sometimes push people back who come to close to me. The difference between taking the quote from the past and writing my feeling down about it is that the later is more of a reaction and could have less interprative value, but maybe more actual value. Anyway this overwhelms be a bit. Guess I just write back while I breath slowly.

Yesterday I slightly screwed up. I wanted to leave at some point but I always dont know how to, like who should I hug or give a fist bump or what, its too much grey area. So I stayed as usual. At the end I was alone with 3 other guys and that openly talked about chilling a bit outside and I was kind of integrated but also not completly, my social battery was low and I was looking for any sign that they wouldnt want me in. So because I left so late it was pretty obvious that I rejected their offer to chill, one guy even asked me if I didnt have any time or if I am uninderested to chill with them.

Realistically I probably dont need to cut every week but I learn much faster with higher frequency and because my haircut is still mostly in tact after a week its also easier to not mess up.

Second haircut ever completed. Not only did it already feel much easier, I also understod much more what was happening, how the way I cut affected my haircut and so on.

My neighboors are doing some construction work. It makes me constantly irritable holy f*ck.

Socializing wasnt fun today. My fear was relatively small and subsided fast but I just really wasnt in the mood, all this intense socializing the previous days still need recovery.

Its time to go to my weekly social spot now. I dont want to and I am kind of scared but I am going anyway, this is important.

Elon Musk is a role model of mine in a very narrow way. No I dont like his fascist tendencies, his big ego and narcissism. What I deeply appreciate about him though is that he has so much talent and genius despite being very bad with words publicly. I sometimes struggle with great good articulation on the forum, my writing ability isnt all that great and it takes me a lot of time to write a few lines sometimes, especially if I am not 100% emotionally there. The problem is that your ability to articulate yourself is almost always on the forefront, just great articulation alone can carry you a lot. So I like to see someone who isnt good at articulation still succeed. That being said I sometimes have my moments where my articulation is actually very strong, especially in deep one on one conversations but thats relatively rare.

I took this very serious this morning and asked chatgpt for advice. It is about staying conscious about these emotions, not avoiding them, but leaning into them while relaxing and breathing slowly. I managed to really process quite a lot to the point that most of this unconscious emotionally charged mess was gone and with some light music and a chill attitude I got some things done today completly without body doubling. Maybe because of the remote viewing exercises I probably do soon I realized the importance of getting into a relaxed and concentrated state.

My horniness also increased.

I kind of had that romantical thought of myself that my confidence wouldnt increase from the hookup as my 'soul simply starved for depth'. But I notice that my confidence indeed increased. Well that it didnt explode might be a sign of high development. But that it increased to a significant degree means that I didnt fully integrate that I had all these options before. Well there is a undefined path from potential and actually making it happen.

All good reminders perhaps, but were there really any you havent heard of?

The forum user "Jehovah increases" always posts the same style of music. This melancholic, beautful but also painful music. I am often in the mood for exactly this music, the previous months and years even more so.

I could only sleep for about 6 hours today even though I was so tired. Not sure why. Also feeling very emotional -- when I say emotional I mostly mean moody and with unprocessed negative emotions coming up. Its interesting to look at this fresh after a break. But I should really ask myself, where are these emotions coming from? How do I process them?

Sometimes you think you know something but you actually dont. Didnt know you could do all these things with your beard, but my barber always made my beard look better then I could so thats why. Shaving and cleaning a beard looks satisfying.

Also my ego is catching up a bit from what happened at the festival. Its not like it didnt push my ego at all, I was just too tired to process it. I kind of miss her even though I dont think we really match. I dont think hookups are healthy for my psyche but also I dont know how the other option of finding love work for me now because I am in a higher position of status. When you dont have many options any girl that makes herself available to you, you will feel emotions for because you dont have other options and the girl wants love at least as security. It is love from dependence. And unconsciously I kind of thought about love that way. So I am closer to loving freely, but will I even find somebody then?

Just went grocerie shopping and I am very slow doing my tasks, really need to get some more sleep. Interestlingly that short remote viewing session brought me into a very different state of consciousness. Its almost like a spiritual exercise in itself.

Woah

I finally did a trial session in remote viewing. I wasnt fully recovered from the festival yet, but it was the last possible date before summer break from this provider. First I asked a few questions about how you can get paid for the work in remote viewing etc. He also explained some theory to me -- if I had to explain it remote viewing works like this: you just connect to something via a target number and then ask the universe, the matrix, whatever.. about it and you get direct experience about it and also concept. You write down your direct experience which he calls essence about it and also the concepts you have about it. The concepts are always bullshit but by writing them down you get them out of your head and can connect to direct experience again. Like in meditation where you dont fight your thoughts, you let them pass. At the beginning he said that he would connect to me and basically view what I view which raised an eyebrow in me, as this made remote viewing even more hard to believe. We did an exercise and it was really hard for me, half the time nothing at all came up. Somestimes it felt like he was present, but it didnt feel good, I didnt like his presence, it wasnt as deep as mine, I would have liked to kick it out. There were so many distractions going on, I was tired, my headphones stopped halfway, people working outside, ... At the end it was revealed it was a yellow speed boat. Self critical I said that I maybe got 30 percent right to which he responded it was at least 50 percent. I did get a few things spot on though, like yellow was the first thing I wrote down and freeing was an emotion I wrote down which also fit perfectly. Cant tell from this if remote viewing works or not, but it seems believable, like the kind of woo woo that remains when you take all the bullshit out of it. And it takes a lot of awareness to pull off which could explain why not everybody does it for a living. I dont have a really good feeling about him though, I liked Stefan Franke way more. But his course is way cheaper and it gives me immediate access to work afterwards (if it works). It also felt like he was unfomfortable around me. I needed to go pee at the end, maybe he remote viewed that information incompletly haha.

I feel like there is so much material to dissect for reflection from the last days but I am just so tired af right now, I need some sleep first.

Feeling mixed emotions. I am kind of mad at myself for a situation that happened after the camp. There was a girl at a bus station who seemed to be completly my type, we had a short conversation and then a guy she knew came to her. It bothered me quite a lot and I kept completly out of the conversation. She said to me they would go to the bus and I followed but then put my stuff a bit distant to theirs as it was difficult to put it directly where they were but that kinda put a final distance between us. I signaled interest unconsciously with some smilesbut the vibe was kinda off. I dont know why I was so bothered, it was relatively obvious it wasnt her bf. I also kind of miss the girl I was intimite with on the festival. Sex isnt free, at least for me. There are always emotions involved.

Festival notes: I got so little sleep and my mattress was broken so my goal was to get some sleep in a hammock and chill. Couldn't take any drugs I wanted to take as well because I already built tolerance with LSD and shrooms. Found a few chill places and felt back alive. I kind of wanted distance from the girl I met the day before but after I recharged a bit I kind of wanted to see her again. It connects well to another experience I had where I posted a thread about it. Almost the whole group came back together in the evening and we danced into the night. The arousal brought me into a nice stimulating environement in my head where I contemplated all kind of abstract ideas. Obviously it wasn't great socializing but I didn't feel like it. I left when around the middle of the pack left. The leaving part was a difficult situation to manage because I didn't know if I should hug everybody or what. So I waited for like 20 minutes until I finally sayed goodbye, slightly touching a girl on the back arm and she immeditaley went for the hug. Did the same with two other people who also immediately went for the hug. So I hugged the last two people as well and waved to the first person. This got surprisingly easy fast. __________ Didn't sleep well at night on the hard ground. It wasn't terrible but also not that my tiredness just didn't make me notice the hard ground. A girl in the group who was socially very supportive to me even asked me for my phone number to maybe add me to the group. Got a chance to speak a bit more with the artistic girl I saw at the beginning, not sure if I wrote about it in the beginning. She seemed super poly relatively intimately touching my friend and another guy at the camp at the same time with rebellish well grown armpit hair no make up and so on. But she has a natural beauty to her. In the first days I suddenly noticed a bottle of wine in my tent. I thought my friend put it in there but he didn't and later a glass of olives which seemes to be hers. When I put the bottle of wine in the middle we asked who wants to take the bottle home and they asked the girl if she wanted to take it with her as this was fully her taste in their experience.. She seemed very open in the beginning but it was a weird vibe with my friend also being close to her and I didn't really dare to do more. When we all left we all hugged each other for a goodbye but often left individually. I was one of the last person to leave. The girl and another guy wanted to wash some things and I waited for them to come back to say goodbye. Eventually the guy came but the girl didn't. I saw her lurking around another group. I thought maybe she didn't want to say goodbye to me. Two guys went into the direction of the camp anyways so I just joined them and goodbye hugged the creative girl. I also told her that if the camp was maybe a week longer I am sure we would have had some deep conversations. It was just the right amount to convey that I hoped for a little more without being overwhelming I felt. When I went back to the bus I noticed that I am able to get pretty much everything across that I want which wasnt the case at all years ago.