Jannes

With finding your LP you want to take small bets. An art degree is a big bet. Coudlnt you already create whatever you want to create and learn by doing that?

I dont feel that good right now. I kind of isolated myself for three days now, gotta get out there again. I had a few partying options but didnt feel like it, my social spot with table tennis, games and light talk was perfect. Maybe I shouldnt hold onto it too much though, there isnt always a guarentee that thats available.

Made a walk today which got me to process some of it. I was kind of surpressing what already happened between us. One time when she poured so much into it, it stirred up so much in me that even one painful childhood experience came up to the surface. Thats not really the kind of playing field you want to hookup or want to meet someone in, it way too much. And I was so confused about her. Sometimes she is there, sometimes not and when she is there its 100%, otherwise 0%.

Thanks

This is basically how I feel about it right now, I feel like I cant breathe:

I wonder if this is like the most objective way to look at this. Basically I dont know which inner voice I should trust. This would be to follow the voice of reason. I dont know what the highest intelligence here is. Interestingly thinking and feeling seem to be pretty balanced in my personality type, maybe this is a situation right here where this manifests.

"Thank you Mr.Philly, I liked the interpreted dance." This reached free love. I would love to know the context of this.

I feel bored.. GOOD!

Got a message from a friend this morning who wants to know whats up and how I feel. I was happy to hear from him the first 30 minutes after waking up, same with the wpmi-girl, I thought we could just go for a snack and then do something sexy or talk or something .. But I get into my patterns very fast and I dont want to open up nearly as fast just a few minutes later. I already wrote my friend where I opened up quite a lot.. The reason why I sometimes push my own boundaries is because they are disfunctional. But maybe I cant escape them. Maybe I need to respect my own disfunctional high boundaries because thats the only way I ever get comfortable.. ? I dont know.

I read it again and cant see it. But its telling I guess that from these few lines you draw that conclusion. Indeed its hard for me to catch a breath. Just my brain chemistry, I can only do so much.

Its sensable to do exactly that. Its just that I kind of need a plan to move forward and when I stall on purpose I kind of use her as a training object. But this is still maybe the best thing to do, as how else would I go about it really. I should just be mindful to not stretch it and give her direction as soon as I found some clearness. Or maybe go directly for a talk? Its hard to tell.. Btw I also experience some things much more intensely so thats why I put it in such strong words.

Just getting of youtube and doing some reflection really opens up my emotional processing. No wonder I was so peaceful the last couple of days, my emotions are scary.

Missed a few chances for plays at my old theatre club. I kind of played with the idea of going again but really I didnt feel any strong urge to do so again. One reason seems to be that I saw some of the members or ex-members of my old-theatre club and they didnt really want to hang out with me. I was just basically 3 years constantly emotionally unstable and leeched onto them in some way. I wasnt really emotionally strong enough to stomach the fact that they didnt really want me. Well no, they did like me, but they didnt want to deal with my emotional unstableness. But yeah so I finally stomached that a few dynamics with some guys werent honest connections and really I dont know what I am looking for there. Well I do know but its a high emotional price to pay. I just remember the last time I was so confused for days. There are very few people, well basically just one girl atm I actually care about and some other people I appreciate and then some potentential connections but also likely burnt ones or ones which would take a lot of effort to built .. or I could just chill with my new people there.

The better I feel emotionally the more I am open for intimacy. But still with feeling better right now, I dont really feel like it. Which is interesting because I chased intimacy before kinda. Maybe I am just more conscious right now of what I really want, or maybe the connection from socializing gives me some of what I am looking for in sex.

The situation with the wpmi-girl (who put much in girl) is also interesting right now. I just feel completly overwhelmed. I cant take that much closeness in all in once. I feel like she really tries to make it work but its a bit much for me. Wow just articulating that for myself feels freeing. But now I kind of want her though .. I am just not comfortable that she throws so much effort and seemingly admiration on me. I dont have much power in this dynamic. Thats how smart women rule over men though. Gosh I feel like I sound like an incel. No, I think she just heard stuff about me and wants to give me the feeling that I am appreciated and safe around her and it does work out somewhat but not completly. I would rather see her authentic side a bit more. And if she just wanted to smash then that much emotions arent healthy for a hookup.

So I saw one of my old school students in a store today. And my reaction was quite different to usual. Instead of being kind of ashamed and afraid I was super cool with it. I would have no problem chatting with him shortly. I just gained so much social confidence the last couple of weeks and months and also a lot of inner peace and clairity as well. My problem as a teacher was partially a lack of having these social problems and of course I wouldnt look confident in school as a result and was easy picking. It would have been a completly different game had I been more confident.

I am not sure why I havent written that much in my journal the last couple of days. I unblocked Youtube kind of and I guess that addiction eats me alive. Just making a short break just makes me rememeber a few important things I wanted to write!

Its way to late to still be awake, my sleep routine is really fucked.

This is more like a Youtube shitpost, but the writing here is absolutely brilliant.

Ofc, the point is that it takes some of your success away but your success is still in a another league compared to not having game.

I am an overthinker, but what am I overthinking here?

No, but thats a good point.

Kind of right? We are not isolated things, someone walking implies a ground to walk on. One could realise he could walk without a ground in vacuum, but if he didnt find ground to walk on, except that one ground he was given to him then whats the point? But when even one ground for his feet exists whatsoever it means there is generally a possibility to manifest this dynamic in a similiar way again. I hope that made some sense, I am struggling to put my thoughts into words. She isnt a training object for me to get to insights though, she will move on or get resentful if I treat her that way and then I will draw the wrong conclusions from that as well. But I get it, to a certain extend this is the way to go and likely even wanted. Its a balancing act. Thanks you for your input so far 🫶 .

I was never in a relationship before but I had a pretty deep f+ a year ago and this dynamic happened as well. But it was particularily psychotic. Thats interesting. I am gonna try to observe my mind on that one, if I dismiss seemingly healthy individuals for example and gravitate for not so healthy ones. Super true, but gosh thats one hell of a difficult conversation to have. My mind already went through so many possible ways to approach this. But that seems like something you just dont have power over, whatever happens happens.