Jannes

Instead of philosophy as my main subject in my two-subject-bachelor I might switch to I could also do educational science and philosophy second. That might give me way more options.

The fact that I got productive which I was never able to do for years and years might trigger a whole net of old behaviour in my nervous system like pressure, alertness, ... which could also explain why I suddenly wake up so early. So I have to recondition my nervous system.

Yesterday was weird. I feel like in my impro theatre group people looked at me different, like I had more status. One guy in particular looked at me when doing an act for validation and even lost it for a brief moment starring a little at me and when I catched that he kind of attacked in a very subtle way trying to gaslight and regain his status, as I was looking out the window he commented on my absence. You cant really fake confidence, it will manifest in some way. I am sure I did some of that when I didnt have much confidence.

I am struggling with good sleep. This was no problem at all before I was productive.

Something tragic just happened to a friend of mine. This distresses me a bit.

Having good health enables you to live a purposefull and happy life. But if your life isnt purposeful and happy, why would you try to enable it with health. Focusing so much on health can actually make you imagine having all kind of sicknesses. Its also possible that people overfocus on this one domain, because they are too scared to work on other domains and health isnt that scary of an domain. Thats how it was for me.

NoFap has been quite a big topic on this forum sometimes, I did it way back and got not much out of it, but I recently found out some healthier ways to go about porn. It comes down to this: Notice the difference between physically being horny and psychologically wanting to distract yourself. For me sometimes I get really horny, get a boner and its clear that my body gives me a signal. Its usually a very fast job and I feel okay afterwards. Imagination is usually enough as well. Other times I want to watch porn in the exact moment when things become difficult. It usually takes way longer and I feel messed up and confused afterwards. I can only do it with porn as well. Just becoming conscious of that difference will have some curative effect.

That sucks. I am just thinking the obvious that we often process things in sleep that we repress in waking life, so maybe you repress your sexuality for some reason in waking life which results in sexual dreams. But I dont know your situation of course.

Wow, good for you.

There is more conscious porn out there if you actually care about that. Porn for females is usually more conscious.

I can almost do that when I am really conscious and that feels by far the healthiest. The more force you have to put in (physical and heavy porn) the less conscious and healthy on the mind it is.

this has a very short introduction:

What is sad about any kind of content is that the viewer is only conscious enough to appreciate so much of it. I think there is so much beautiful content made with divine creativity but you cant ultimately get to that state by the content alone, maybe you see a glimmer..

The meditation music ended so I took a short break to write all of my thoughts down, but now its hard to get back into it. I also need more meditation material. Finding the right material is hard because I want something guided but at the same time I never now how long I want to meditate. Maybe I should look for meditations starts which give instruction for the first 20 mins or so but then go for 3 hours. When you consciously think about problems with the intention of solving them you can actually solve them wow.

Thinking about a moment at the Fusion two weeks ago. The people there definitely welcomed me and were probably offended a little that I didnt take the chance, it just didnt click in my mind fast enough. I think I have to be as conscious about these situations as possible. When I contextualize the situation very consciously and feed this into my unconscious then I might change patterns. _________ Socializing is super light. I still make it a bit too much of a heavy thing.

Part of the reasons its hard for me to find friends is because I am not interested in most people and I am sure people feel it. I couldnt see that because I needed help for regulating my emotions. Now that I feel more grounded I am more able to see this dynamic.

There is my conscious mind thinking about stuff and then there is all the underlying stuff which I especially notice in my dreams. I should put some more attention to it. So I was thinking about this situation a lot in my dreams, or basically if I want to have sex or not with her. She isnt really my type but she honestly has great character so I was debating this a bit. You should only do what feels right in the end.. and it feels like I do have some sexual blockades. Its hard for me to make male friends and I realize that the few femals friends I had kind of thought I couldnt game or didnt have that much experience. When you act like a gamer you loose some comforts. I always wanted a lesbian female friend.. Or I have to maximize my fuckboy energy and then I can hang out with the girls I cant get peacefully.

Yeah I was right, I am coming in contact with my authentic self. I remember I felt like crying a bit.

I felt very strange the whole day. I fixed my printer but that was it, I mostly distracted myself. I craved a certain nostalgic distraction though and digged deep... I felt pretty tired and I kind of overwhelmed but I couldnt really point out what it was exactly, maybe just unconscious processes, I felt like I needed to meditate but waited for it till night. Now I did a bit of that and my whole experience flipped. I feel like all the process from the last couple of weeks accumulated and brought me to face more of my inner self. As I meditated I let go of some resistances and blockades. I just had experienced some weird energy again. Its really tight and strong energy and I can kind of move it around. I dont quite now how to control, how to increase or decrease or not, how to create or not loose it. But I felt this energy occasionally when I meditated since I started like 8 years ago. And I could never really explain it. Today I put it on my 'third eye', cause I didnt know what else to do with it until it vanished at some point. It seems I have a natural connection to this energy, so I should figure out what it is, how to control it and what to do with it.

Golf is one of the few sports where you dont need to be super physically athletic. Maybe his 'I dont give a shit' mentality gave him the calm to play golf well in high stakes situation.

When I change my degrees I might not get (free) student loans anymore, this is something I am calculating now.

i NEEDED to get back into body doubling work today. I noticed how I was avoiding it, how I was avoiding change, slacked off, numbing myself. I became very emotional a few moments ago for some reason. On adhd medication I always very easily become sick, now that I am productive without the medication I also feel like I could more easily become sick. Just that it makes you more productive means that your system is stressed more.

Nothing works today, I couldnt pay for Flow Club or anything else and I cant get on body doubling Discord server because Discord doesnt sent me a SMS for some reason. So I do some recorded body doubling, surprisingly it works.

When I was productive the day before I feel more awake after sleep as when I dont. Not sure what it is but it is probably my mind naturally getting back to work instead of resting. I wondered why I have such little control in trips, and thats partly because I dont control most of my daily life as well. When I do the body doubling sessions though I can work and I take that mentality with me throughout the day. I took a few days break now. Not sure if its an ego backlash as I do need to make quite a lot of important decisions right now so I might need that time to process. But I want to get into the habit again. My beginner trial on FlowClub ended so I need to pay my first 20 dollars for the first month. Long term I am looking for a free version, but this doesnt feel like the time when I want to switch as I want to make it a habit -- although thats what I wanted to say yesterday, but idk I feel adventurous today, will see.

I have only ever done shaven and stubbles with my beard and I think light stubbles suit me well. I would like to test a light version of the balboo. https://hairstylecamp.com/balbo-beard-styles/