Jannes

So lots of inner things happened yesterday. I was in my impro group again and noticed how I felt kind of ackward because I isolated myself the days before but I rapidly regained grounds and I felt it. I was looking for an satisfying inner click which didnt happen but it wasnt necessary. I realized that I am often pretty reserved and often the people who do exactly the things which seem akward are the most confident. So through that desperation of wanting to shake off the akwardness and the ideal of how genuine confidence would function I went more out then usual. But because I spent lots of time alone I also had completly fresh batteries from human bullshit, so I could take that. We went eating afterwards as ususal and one of the people there who I appreciate talked about going to a festival for a few weeks which I asked him about and he said explicitly that he would like it if I also came. And that triggered something in me. Its not that I am usually not integrated but it seems like what I need is a very authentic signal, everything else doesnt really penetrate through my skin. But also the last couple of days I felt very content just on my own, constant contact and drama with other people isnt for me, so that was confusing, how I could be triggered, if I would actually be happy on my own. But I got a bit turned up afterwards. And it revealed how I often feel so much like an outsider usually. It was very revealing how my psyche kind of made the switch: This person accepts me, therefore people in general accept me. There are many people in my life which I am kind of close with and suddenly the idea spawned in my mind that I should maybe get in contact with them again or speak about some things that need to be cleared up. That this would have such a strong effect on my mind is nothing new to me, its scary that I have forgotten this. I want to locate that fu*king switch in my mind and make it autonomous. ... I think I already made my mind pretty autonomous and maybe this actually makes socializing harder because socializing is often co-relying on each other. But I also cant get to the next level of complete autonomy because I likely get less and less support. Not sure if complete autonomy is even possible and what that would mean.

"One thing led to another"

Yes Talking about these things seems like creating low risk opportunities to get to know you without much pressure. The first would probably work well, the second probably too if you keep it light (dont make it explicit that its a date).

And then the atom bomb was invented.

Also the trap is I think way bigger in spirituality then for example in tech. You want to create a new technology which saves the world, not that much can go wrong. You want to start a cult to share the truth and save the world, uh oh.

@Spiral Wizard I think with your intuitive open questions you seem to already understand that this was a nuanced take. I think its important to keep in mind how many people who 'tried to save the world' did incredible harm and how many people who just shared something they enjoyed or wanted to help just a little helped to improve the world in some way.

Club exists where you can literally have sex directly in the club. I wonder how this effects the chances.

It wasnt that stupid imo. Owen asked what the name of her favourite pet is and answering dog is so unexpectitly unoriginal that it opens up some 'adorable energy' is in the air and if you are in the right state of mind and sensitive enough you can use and cherish this opportunity. Owen did it in a way where he made fun of it, but not from above but also by making fun of himself.

@Xonas Pitfall But spirituality can deconstruct what you have built up with survival and LP, yet these things are important to have handled to be stable and grounded enough to do spirituality. So either you do ignorant survival with a toxic LP building something up which you then completly destroy afterwards with spirituality. Or you try to get both things done at the same time, but then it will take lots of time to make progress in each direction.

It was uploaded 10 years ago, so that makes it likely it wasnt created by AI.

Yeah, you dont know what you dont know. Even though much will be recontextualized, some things will stay more or less, at least your physical body and likely some character traits, but the more mental it becomes the more potential for change there is..

When awakening is mandatory for genuine happiness, for a successful life, what would you say is the best order? (Of course its always individual and messy but the general trend) survival -> awakening -> authentic LP (not coming from distraction) ?

Just had a brief informational talk with a processor. Its unlikely that I am going to get further student loans if I switch degrees. I basically have to find pretty radical arguments why I cant continue my study, I can ask chatgpt to scan this diary for reasons I have listed. If I dont get further support I would need to take on a part time job. I wouldnt even hate that.

I have always wanted to show people a middle finger with a robot hand. 😤😤😤

Yeah I agree. Even a Somalian with Somalian bias will likely be happier in a developed country if he spent some time there, because the living standard is just so much drastically better. But when we compare the US and china, who are not that drastically far apart in terms of living standards, your bias of your culture and ignorance of other cultures can easily overshine objective criteria. Many americans are ignorant to chinas living standards, are quite nationalists and value (the feeling of) free speech because of their upbringing. Chinese have their own prejudices about america, their own nationality and so on.. So thats all I wanted to point out, its hard to find a person without bias who can objectively say where they would rather want to live which would determine which country is better.

Just made myself a certain spicy tea 🍄 The ingredients are very old though, I almost got nothing out of it.

I have drawn a bit today. I dont have a lot of tolerance for frustration when things dont go well. But I am capable of getting into somewhat of a flow state in drawing, something I rarely experience and would like more of. I still feel like acting is a more natural creative pursuit to me though, but I havent drawing and all the other pursuits to the same degree yet.

Wrote an email with questions to a Remote Viewing school. This could be my way in.

I am about to do some commitments. What I realize is that a lot is kind of in the air and I have no routine. I still havent changed degrees ultimately, still havent started Remote Viewing, havent started any creative pursuits, have no outside routine like university or a job right now. I do socialize though. I may need a bit of a structure.

But when the difference isnt that black and white, bias can easily overshine.

In my research and from talking with poly people being jealous in poly is actually quite normal, it is not a bug. Poly people simply learn to accept it. Their jealosy doesnt sting after 3 years or so anymore. Heck I even had a 'poly-ish' situation with my ex-F+ , where I helped her process emotions right after she had a hookup. It was really painful but also EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL. Havent felt something this beautiful for like a year now even though it was very painful at the same time. And since when is spirituality something easy you can get for free?

Even though its a simple model, it looks quite accurate to me. Although I wouldnt hold my ability to judge such a complex matter too high.