Jannes

A disappointing evening. For one the girl who put a lot of warmth into our connection was significantly more distant today. Well I didnt match her energy so that makes sense. And I was wondering what her goal was.. There were a few moments today where she seemed to test me, a few times she came really close looking me into the eyes and there wasnt much space between our lips. I have a poker face in these situations though. I just naturally couldnt match her energy. She sat next to me once coming close and snuggling a bit, when I sat next to her I came as close but didnt touch her body. The thing is, I enjoyed that closeness, but I didnt have it in me to match that. Obviously that kind of killed the vibe or at least I felt so. I can resist, but I cant make something happen with the same energy. So there seems to be some kind of overestimation on myself. I wanted to built my state but I kind of couldnt. If you spent like 5 hours socializing you have to be careful with your energy anyway. To talk about something I even randomly talked about this K-Pop romance thing I watched which also seemed a bit like a vibe killer. Men I just felt so incredibly incompetent today.. Even at the goodbye I didnt really match her hug, I let myself hug way more then I put in. The artist girl didnt come today. I am friends with a girl there and she told me that the artist girl seems to have a bf. I really didnt expect that as she asked for my phone number. I want to go back in the ring goddamnit.

I was doing some research on K-Pop-Boy-bands as I found the phenomena of very feminine men very interesting. And I stumbled across this video. Never watched anything like it, a bit overdramatic but wholesome at the same time. Let em be.

I was so productive, it doesnt make any fucking sense.

I was avoiding 1 on 1 body doubling sessions for some reason. Just started one again.

When I was walking from the social spot yesterday, I was talking to one of the guys there who casually talked about all kinds of things. I know the dynamic well, when someone wont open up, in this case myself, you just talk about shit yourself without an invitation. Well in this case though it was weird. He talked about that he did sexual work on a cam. He opened up about something else last time which was okay, but I didnt really like this. Usually I am open and find stories like this entertaining, but this time it triggered some pain in me. In hindsight I didnt want to listen to it. I was surprised myself, I really have some unprocessed wounds regarding sex.

I was getting the thought that maybe with this girl who seemed to support me I could talk about the experience with my old theatre club. Appearently a lot still isnt healed there. I was thinking that I probably wont find somebody who I could talk about this anyway, so now with this opportunity this might open up some things, especially because she seems to know people from there.

Will be in the same situation today. Really, going for a hug or going for avoidance are both bad options, even if one is less worse. The root of the problem is that I created this situation somehow.

I appreciated the insight that the head of a successful company has to corrupt his mind to create a realm where the employee can effort to be truthful because the head of the company directs the company in a corrupt way to be compedetive.

Also I think I am becoming a bit more loose with whom I would have sex with. Girlfriend material is one thing but even there.. its interesting, when I am socializing a lot I seem to become a little less picky. Not sure why.

Today was one of the most uneventful social evenings since some time. Well one thing was a little difficult at the beginning. I didnt go for a hug with one of the girls I knew. That wasnt something I really routinely did but she established that last time and I have many people I go for a hug for so I kind of exclude her. It felt right in that moment though because we kind of built a weird connection and I didnt want to entertain that anymore. But then I felt a lot of inner pressure that this such a dick move. I greeted another guy with a hug and then finally decided to go up to her for a hug as she stood there alone. This immediately put me also at ease and into more of a social state. Its hard to relax with kind of an unsolved conflict and it did feel natural. But she kind of looked for a connection at times, so I wasnt all wrong with cutting that off, it was pretty fair. Another guy seemed really nice to me. I talked to his or one of his girls and avoided her completly after he overreacted a bit. Interesting. Getting back into real socializing today was good, I think I can take more closeness when I am in the moment, its just that when I am on my own its a bit different. Feel really tired right now.

DOESNT HELP THAT MY PONY LOOKS FUCKING RETARDED!! -- sorry for my french 😂😂😂

Its great that I have built such a long diary though, they give me strong pointers.

Maybe a special mushroom meal could open my eyes, but in this state I really fight with the edge of my consciousness. The support is so so important for me that I cant judge things sober.

. .

Just had this crazy thought. When I have troubles connecting with other people because I experienced so much abuse because I couldnt assert myself, maybe I find connection through creating borders.. Well with some people who I knew I had some kind of power balance advantage but who were cool in general I could open up to. How pathetic on my end.

I dont really want to go to my social spot today. Its just so much atm. I dont know wether I am resisting because of trauma or because it isnt authentic to me. Which would be important to know. Well I am socializing because I feel like there is a lack so I guess I am right on track. I had this vision of having a flip turned where socializing would finally just click and it would be all awesome. Of course thats not how it works. Its slow progress. But the progress I already made is really good.

Yesterday evening: I feel weird. Well no, I think how I feel can be put more concretely. I feel pretty strong emotions and not really in control. The out of control makes sense as I spent in kind of a flow with socials spots, then with my parents, then too much YouTube. And emotionally it's a mix, sometimes I can't wait for my social spot and to see these people again, other times I feel overwhelmed. All of this support was great but I notice that creating your own love feels actually more pure. But maybe I only notice that because I feel a bit too dependent. The confidence I gathered really held up even to today. I can't really decide. There have been times where I enjoyed being around lots of people. These moments have been scarce but also what I have too keep in mind that maybe all my problems just kept me back most of the times. And then most of the time I was just looking for a few authentic connections. Deep connection is like a distant memory of mine but I think it felt so so good.

Sounds like a story Andrew Tate made up too boost up his ego and also defend himself.

My hairdresser even cut the sides of my beard down to what looks like 1mm. For some reason it looks really good, even though it didnt really look good before.

Went to the hairdresser. Luckily a guy whom I maybe only had one haircut from worked by himself today, so I didnt see the need to feel so bad for breaking a long term relationship ahaha. I got huge value from that haircut in terms of experience. Well the haircut is kind of fucked up, because the pony is way to short. But I observed very closely how he cut the rest. On the sides he only used one length which he faded with this going up technique I also used. Higher on the sides he used scissors to cut the hair shorter. In went up to a certain height and at that point left the hair as it was. I think I made a different cut but even with a different cut I could shorten the hair on top of the sides with a scizzor as well. For the area around the ears and the area behind my head where my head ends he took quite a lot of time. I knew some of the techniques he was using though. Thats the difficult part which always sucked. My sides are also shorter which looks better, but that is obviously something I can just do myself. In summary with the expection of the pony where I just made the wrong call my haircut does look significantly better. Some detail work and some cleaning work really do show. This is just motivation to do it better myself though.

About a month ago I bought a pair of shoes which were pretty much tailor made for me. The are barefoot-ish with more room for toes and are flat, they have a stylish off-white and beige mix and generally look good. They were pretty expensive though and might not fit every outfit. So I couldnt decide wether to keep them or not and waited for 30 days so I would loose my option to send them back so I am forced to commit to them. When you dont make a decision you make a decision. Well I could still sell them as new quality shoes.. NO, I am keeping them now!

Told my adhd doctor about changing my degrees and she said that maybe I could help in democrazy education, likely hinting at the rise of the far right party "AFD". I have nail polish on my left hand which probably implied sympathy with left leaning parties so that she got comfortable stating her position. I also noticed a very slight difference in how female cashier treated me, they seemed just a bit more comfortable around me -- not that they were particularily uncomfortable before but it just seems to be a little more relaxed now. This all seems a bit crazy, it brings me out of the position of a strict observer. Although when I ran around as a minimalist in black with Jeans I looked relatively right leaning as well.

Its about time to cut my hair again. But this time I thinking to go back to the hairdresser. I really just want to see if I made any mistakes and there are a few things which I feel I cant replicate that easily like cutting a cool pony. Its akward though to go back and after detching them for a haircut machine. I am thinking that I can maybe pay extra for hair + beard. There isnt much to do for my beard anyway, but it would be a sign of appreciation. After that I could settle into only haircut again or leave forever when I take all the lessons. I will make tons of pictures though.

I already boasted about how I almost perfected my beard. Well it was hard for me to admit but it didnt really work out. With my mustache at 3mm or so and the rest of 2mm it didnt match well and I didnt know why. A few days ago I accidently cut the sides of my mustache and then everythink looked in place again. I need a clean seperation between mustache and the rest of the beard, then different lenghts work really well. Not I feel like I really figured it out.