Jannes

Missed that ome I think.

I noticed a pattern of mine yesterday. When I meet new people I often just follow my instincts, so to many girls I just look interested at a new face. After a bit of that many girls built interest back and only then do I become conscious of the situation. I often inspect the girl more closely if she is even my type and so on. I dont know if this is normal or if it would be normal to built anything after I already found somebody interesting. I kind of look for answers why my behaviour often caused confusion and heartbreak. It could also be that I am simply very derisable but refuse to take my spot as a 'high value male' so I am an opportunity.

I overslept today and broke my working out in the morning routine for good. It did have some benefits, but just doing a long walk had even more benefits. The benefits came from just going outside, breaking my trance. I dont think a routine is something you can and want to maintain really. And in terms of benefits from working out, sure there are quite a lot of benefits but jogging and the gym just suck, I need to do things which I actually enjoy. I have a "chair" on my working desk which is just a block so it forces me to work in natural postures. Thats one example of how I can just "work out" by just existing basically.

Socializing went pretty well yesterday. I did so much self reflection that I thought, I may be too much into my head but that wasnt the case. Actually I may have been in a better state ever, even though I was still scared to go. Today my favourite social spot ever opens again after summer break. I should be excited, but that amount of socializing yesterday was quite a lot.

@PurpleTree Sad that Michael left the forum, he would likely have some answers. Well you are stuck with auto immune disease for the rest of your life, so wouldnt it be worthed to try out everything under the sun? I read that sugars and refined carbs are almost always the enemy, you could cut those out as a start.

Pretty good foods, but not a complete diet. You need veggies, fruits, fats, proteins. Eating until your full doesnt mean you will eat excess calories. The winning combination of foods that will fill you up the most by having the least calories are proteins + fiber. You already lost weight in the psych yard, did you try to eat less there or were the foods just more filling for the amount of calories? https://www.eatthis.com/what-100-calories-looks-like/ Yeah but willpower is a limited resource. Nobody wants to be overweight, if it were that easy to loose weight overweight people wouldnt exist. If you do a hardcore diet you will only crash.

What was your diet before? If you ate crap, all you gotta do is clean up your diet and eat until your full. Make your healthy meals taste good, restriction mostly backfires. Find cardio that you enjoy, if you like jogging go for that. Some people love to ride their bike.

This is somewhere in Leos Blog. I took a lot of understanding out of what this GIF conveys.

I cant get remote viewing out of my head, I dont really think about alternatives. As I said I must find out if its bullshit or not fast, the only problem is that it can take time to learn. Maybe I need to connect to other remote viewers to get a better feeling if its real or not. What I have seen so far makes it likely that it exists, nothing smells fishy, only the question remains why doesnt everybody know about it.. ?

This looks really cool, a hoodie but with a collar, so you dont look like a dumbass. Found this AI generated picture in blue. Kind of destroys the vibe even though the color is beautiful.

Okay this is really off topic. Most clothes in blue strike me either as boring (plain blue has nothing to it even though the color is nice), conformist (your typical suit or professional wear is blue) or childish. (babyblue) I like blue as a color but its hard to integrate if you want your outfit too like a little more vintage or artistic. I collected a few examples where people made it work, feel free to add to this list.

Or on extremely pale skin. I have seen it work which was so cool, a whole black outfit with a bright orange coat. That was so cool. Aura Sing from Star Wars, she can also wear orange as an example. Yeah everybody has his own color palatte which I actually find really cool because that way its unique and everybody looks a little different. I like your style. It looks chill, well put together, you look like you smell good but it also doesnt look overly conformist. Not sure about the belt, I dont think its a perfect match but I also wouldnt say its a mismatch. Certain blues and greens can work very well together.

Thats exactly my experience. When you dont have a social circle as a base then its hard to normally talk to strangers because you dont have that sense of basic belonging. You need some regular socializing which isnt on pick up level just to not be akward. But also the herd can make you complacent. I dont think about pick up when I am in a group.

Maybe my social struggles make it more likely that I tend to go for the PUA route. But random sex isnt even all that satisfying to me so there isnt much of a reason to do it. The problem is sometimes I just so horny and I dont want to feel restricted from this opportunity. I was think that when I seriously commit to a relationship that it will probably hold a lifetime because thats just what I am really good at. Maybe I am also overestimating myself idk.

How animals give each other ommunication signs. Reminds me of a situation I had at a club and others. When a situation doesnt seem accidental it most likely isnt.

Its interesting that my social problems are the first thing I tackled. For more then a decade now I tried to get better but there seemed to be such heavy blockades. Really on most days I mostly think about my social problems, my age, fashion, how I can make money, how to avoid work, my old club, how to get pussy and why I dont even want it at the same time and maybe a bit of spiritual stuff also. When I do think about the spiritual stuff its beautiful though. So generally I have to come to terms that I am not really there yet. God, philosophy, meditation retreats, many LP opportunities, all of that needs a survival foundation first.

Okay so I kind of hoped that I would find patterns in there that I didnt see before. But really I just found myself having the same insight over and over again from different angles. I got a lot better though over the months as I moved closer to the core of the problem I already identified. So my problem is obviously that I was hurt socially and that these unhealed wounds shape my current experience in such a way that when a new social opportunity arises these experiences are like a wisdom lense from the past from which I interpret the new situation which is quite problematic. This is how they effect my social situation: - I feel blockaded from opening up - Connecting feels painful - Authentic parts of myself, like bold, crazy or energetic energy rarely come to the surface - I underestimate my social value What made the healing process unsucesfull so far: - Moral concerns, I dont want to use people who give me support but whom I dont give anything back - I see very fast if a person isnt trustworthy. I am overly sceptical. - Its dangerous to connect to the wrong person and get hurt by them because I am so ungrounded so I pass non optimal chances. - Because I dont understand my own value, I often dont think a person would actually want to help me - I get side tracked chasing pussy. Also my authentic self might be vulnerable by nature. With adhd I often do dumb shit, so I have to take backlash regularely. And I am likely just sensitive and helpful by nature which is easily exploitable. // Interestingly summarizing this feels very hard for some reason as it seems I am fighting with my unconscious which wants to stay alive with unconscious pattern. Shows me that I am working in the right direction.

Wow, I can post again. I guess a Mod or Leo helped with that.. Well Thanks!

Never would have thought that it would take so long to read through the entire journal and I only quoted the most important things here, I didnt even make sense of them yet. _______ For some reason I cant make new posts in this journal anymore. Maybe the fact that I quoted so much blocked the mechanism of making another post. Oh this is not just blocked from this journal but in gerneral I cant make new posts or start a new thread. That is shitty. Wanted to write a PM to ask for help and it said I reached my posting limit, I should wait 24 hours. No problem I will post tomorrow then. I can at least work with this post editing it again and again.