Jannes

Wow that meditation went terribly at the beginning, I couldnt keep focus on my breath for more then 3 seconds. But this shows me where I am, which is also valueable. So towards the end it got me thinking that the last days also forced me out of my rythm, so I need to recollect myself. But thats more of a small point. The deeper point which I kind of repressed and or didnt think much of but might be bigger is something that happened to me two days ago and might also influence my relationship to the old club. So I got basically a bit of weird text message from a girl from my current impro club being a bit necessarily open about a detail which I feel implies a step towards building trust, possibly intimicy. She seems to be in a polyamorous or open relationship with another guy from the impro group which I really appreciate. So first, even if they are open these relationships models are messy and I dont want to disturb the friendly vibe going on and second I dont even think I want to sleep with her, the vibe isnt really there for me and it would also be hard to make it a one time thing. At the same time at my social spot I found the other girl who was nice but not really my type. And then she made some hints which seemed like an implication towards sexual interest, like that she looks for a way to relax but she also cant sit still and always wants to move. Of course that isnt a direct sexual implication it can mean other things as well, but because of our dynamic from before this would make sense. So basically there seems to be little room for normal 'platonic' socializing. Yesterday at the gym I felt a bit of disgust for female energy, female body, even pussy.

Usually in moments of emotional confusion, meditation can be very valueable. Its the last thing you want to do and thats why its the best moment to do it. And I havent finished making a list of good guided meditation audios.

I feel strangely emotional/ moody today. I am thinking back about my old acting club that I left and the leader of the club who hasnt messaged me back and it seems like he likely wont, maybe I was hoping to get something out of it and the opening is closing. Or because I couldnt take care of myself that well in the hardcore seminar phase, so the emotions are coming now. Or because unconsciously I meet some kind of developmental milestone. I dont know. I like it when I know where my emotions come from, when some random fuzzly hard to identify emotions come up.. I hate that, its like being smacked but you dont know by whom.

Yesterday and today I feel slight tingling in my feet for some reason. I also experienced it a few weeks back once as well. My diet is good, I take my vitamins. It might be because of underlying stress. Well on the outside I do feel pretty relaxed but there is a lot of inside movement/ growth happening. So maybe that inner stress manifests itself through slight tingling in the feet.

I did it. Its interesting, each time I have such a long break that its so fresh that I have a new idea each for training each time. This time I did stop at the top for lateral raises but at like 45 degrees, so I stayed in the 45 to 90 degrees area where the tension is the whole time. That seemed to work really well. But training just feels pretty boring. But it feels healthy, like my body and mind feel better now.

I am running circles from going to the gym. I took a break for about 3 weeks for some reason. I often went to the gym to feel somewhat productive after not accomplishing anything. But now that I do thanks to body doubling and the added exhausting I feel less motivated to go. But this is the moment now!

Watched a few of those videos and I feel drained. Its always like this. With a hit song as well. I wonder if it has something to do with adhd that there is less limit on my emotions. It can be used in some cases like in acting though.

In most cases it implies that you eat certain foods that arent good for your gut health and mind. Like you just feel bad when you eat too much wheat. I must admit that I dont know how it would be for carnivores who get their whole calories from meat. I see. Yeah the fiber can become a little much at times with legumes and stuff. You can adapt to it over time but there are limits to it.

When you get to little and only take a shit every 3 days its also terrible for the brain. You would need to elobarate again how you did the diet otherwise I am not convinced it wasnt for some other reason.

Your brain is connected to your gut, a healthy gut supported by fiber can definitely have a big impact on your mind. Also eating healthy makes you feel good of course.

I feel like wrestling is one of the funniest things to examine metaphysically. I feel like wrestlers are people for whom regular fighting sports just dont give enough satisfaction, like punching someone in the face still isnt satisfying enough. So they make a whole art about celebrating 'punching someone in the face' in the most powerful and artistic way possible.

In terms of working through shadow stuff, I have little shame about being interested in porn, but for raw presentations of power I feel intense shame and cringe that I get one up when I indulge in it.

I just thought about what has really changed since I came to my first articulation, because it seems like its still somewhat similiar. Purely for LP: I seemed to heal a lot which helped to narrow down my LP. I accepted that teaching isnt for me. What hasnt changed is that I still cant let go completly from acting or the theatre. But in a way thats also process as even if I might not work professionally there, I might have to accept that I will integrate it as a part of my life. Small theatre groups are everywhere.

Again I seem to come to a similiar conclusion: But maybe its not about just healing, I think I had a bias towards it because I needed healing myself. But coming in contact with the existential is beautiful in its own way although a side effect can be healing. I think I am very good at finding truth/ an authentic voice and I am naturally very creative and abstract thinking. This renewed articulation seems more true to me now as it comes less from a sense of lack. > Conveying existential truths in abstract artistical ways to make people more conscious.

I did an internship with people with handycap years ago. What I realized there, was that I could be pretty emphatic but the goal of this place was simply to help these people go about their day so they dont suffer to much and have some enjoyment. But that was it. And its really not like this is nothing. But it wasnt for me.. In the same way I am not sure if I want to be a social worker helping people just go about their day. If I can I would rather want to guide them towards something higher, help them heal in a deeper way, or create something extremely beautiful.

Acting just doesnt leave me. And the theatre itself also not, it just gives so many possibilites to express in an over the top adhd style. Well I dont have to become a professional actor to have it in my life, but when I do it with non-professionals you just dont come to the same quality. At least the impro theatre group I am in is so far away from actually doing acting, like none of them try or might even think that it is possible to make things seem authentic.

So I have had another informational talk for changing my degrees today. Turn out when I take education as my prime degree over philosophie in my doubles bachelor degree then I can make my bachelors degree about a certain other field I like. But while I was doing this talk I constantly thought to myself that I would rather either be a real psychologist or an artist, like I just want to create something. But if I want an easy degree that gives me some options this bachelor would be it. And I can practice at home learning animation if I really want to. But then again, acting just seems so cool. But it might interfere with my emotional well-being and spirituality. But I constantly mix acting with the club which I was in which was bad for my mental health. Maybe in another club it would be different.

On average I think this would improve the section a ton. I personally would feel much more comfortable posting in this section then and I imagine others members feel the same. But there are probably some cases where this wouldnt be good. For example when you are an artist, maybe you want guests to view your art as well. Thats why having the option to turn it public or not would be good, or maybe two sections, one private one public could work as well. But thats just my opinion, we could make a poll!

I would like the Self-actualization-journals-section to be reworked. For threads you need: 1) Ability to turn members commenting in the journal on and off, bonus if you can invite certain people to be allowed to comment in the journal (Sometimes its also unclear if you are allowed to comment in someones journal or not. This way there wouldnt be any confusion) 2) Ability to make the journal invisible to guests

https://www.actualized.org/insights/actualized-quotes-272 I dont understand this quote -- maybe this dumb follow up question can help: Then how did Santa Claus never manifest? Millions of kids each year spent a ton of imaginative power into Santa Claus and yet Santa Claus doesnt seem to manifest.

Yeah @Flowerfaeiry comes to mind. But Its been a while since I saw one of them online. So you are one of the few or only active female mod right now.

Congrats! I also enjoy it that we have a female mod in charge now. I know we are above repressing women, but its nice to also see the "proof in the pudding".

I enjoyed that documentary. Didnt know that crocs were smart.

Just a detail, but I have to say that Hunter Bidens style is really on point. All the colors match perfectly. I wonder if he has a stylist or something, or if its because he needs to look presentable as the son of the president.

Seminar done, in the end it became quite interesting. Traditional morality from Kant and Mill got slandered which was great. Unfortunately the girl I liked much was at work. I got into a weird situation. Yesterday a girl invited me to go to the baker in lunch break as we talked a lot. We worked together well and got along fine but I wasnt interested in her. Today I asked if goes to the baker again and she said that yeah but that she needs to learn. I didnt want to come off as needy so I went to another spot instead. I came back earlier and had a talk with another girl in the seminar and I changed my seat to talk to her more. This kind of created a bit of a subtle underlying vibe as 'seeing girls as replaceable'. In this case it was just by chance but I did notice how my unconscious ego tried to get something out of that dynamic.. If you learn to talk to a lot of girls because you worked yourself towards it, you will be tempted to abuse your position. If you never learned that, there is no power you could abuse.