Hi Nemra
I wonder if looking into the topic of "Autodidacticism" - which is Self-education as in education without the guidance of masters (Old days) and in our modern time it is without professors  and/or institutions - would help?
Here I can speak with experience as I have lived as an Autodidact and a Polymath. Polymaths are often autodidacts.
Here is a list of famous autodidacts:
Abraham Lincoln
Albert Einstein - taught himself algebra, Euclidean geometry, and calculus when he was 12. He also independently discovered his own original proof of the Pythagorean theorem, and he had worked through a geometry textbook he was given by his family tutor, Max Talmud.[64] When Einstein was 14 years old he says he had "mastered integral and differential calculus".
Allan Watts
Alfred Russel Wallace (Co-discoverer of Natural-Selection with Darwin)
Benjamin Franklin
Bill Gates
Bruce Springsteen
Buckminster Fuller
David Bowie
Edison
Elon Musk
Ernest Hemingway
Frank Loyd Wright
Frank Zappa
Galileo
Gustave Eiffel – The engineer who designed and built the Eiffel Tower
Henry Ford
Hermann Hesse
Jimi Hendrix
Johnny Depp
Julian Assange
Karl Marx
Le Corbusier
Leonardo DaVinci
Mark Twain
Malcolm X
Michael Faraday
Neil Peart
Nikola Tesla
Oprah Winfrey
Orson Welles
Russell Crowe
Sean Parker - Former President of Facebook,
Steve Jobs
Steven Spielberg
The Wright Brothers
Van Halen
Vincent Willem van Gogh
Walt Disney
William Blake
This list should tell you that Autodidactism is much more common than what one would assume. It often emerges from the lower and working class of society, where formal education is an unattainable luxury – although this is far from being a rule. An autodidacts will not let an obstacle such as a lack of financial resources stop him from learning. Until the advent of the Internet, Libraries were an important source of freely accessible knowledge. And the Internet is the new catalyst bringing to fruition the golden-age of autodidactism.
When one is young it is very difficult to know if Autodidactism is one's call. For me it was much later in life that I figured this out about my learning-style.
Here is a list of some of the personality characteristics that are more or less typical of autodidacts:
Self-motivated and NOT correlating learning to earning a degree: An autodidact is driven by passion, self-discipline, and internally-sourced interest to engage consistently in his studies. His motivation for the acquisition of knowledge is not for the pride of owning degrees or titles, or from pressures imposed by an external authority; but for the sake of knowledge itself.
Curious: Autodidacts have a strong desire to learn about the world and the various subjects they’re pursuing.
Disciplined: They hold themselves accountable to do the readings and work that they promise themselves they will do.
Systematic: Autodidacts study plans are internally formed and self-directed. Rarely they follow a rigid methodology of learning; but rather an elastic and malleable structure that is spontaneously and naturally formed, and which is adaptive to the continuously changing circumstances of life.
Goal-Oriented and Focused: Autodidact naturally set learning goals to guide their studies and their study plan. Being focused on something is not a part-time state of mind, but a continuous way of being.
Resourceful: They know how to find study materials, often free or affordable ones, that will help them reach their goals.
Natural Learner, fast and efficient who has a passion for diving deep into a subject with a great ability for absorption and and above average retention: Rarely an autodidact will be content with a ‘little’ knowledge, or a superficial degree of knowledge. Typically they strive for the core knowledge, and for the most advanced knowledge on a subject. Being on the cutting edge of a subject is natural for an autodidact.
Stands above & beyond the paradigm of ‘victimization’: Typically, an autodidact has no time, not even an instant, to feel sorry for himself. Being paralyzed by a sense of victimization is not a state on the palette of Autodidactism. Any and all obstacles that stands in the way of an autodidact is perceived as a welcomed challenge, and an opportunity to learn something new, or to learn something more deeply. An autodidact continuously shifts the obstacles that continuously emerges into a series of opportunities that shapes one’s life. Where most see complications, the mind of an autodidact sees avenues of potentials.
Life-long learner: An autodidact does stop being one. He or she does not retire at one point in her or his life from the pursuit of knowledge.
Polymath: Rare an autodidact limits himself to a single subject of knowledge
 
There are some advantages to being an autodidact - one being to choose the subject of study, their studying material, and the studying rhythm and time.
Autodidacts may or may not combine formal education, as a complement avenue of learning.
 
The horizon of Autodidacticism has been transformed by the advent of the Internet. As one of the effect of the Internet - A robust Fact-Checking ability has become an essential skill and a requisite for Autodidacticism. In our modern time an Autodidact must know how to detect and recognize misinformation and disinformation - which is prevalent in the medias BUT also exist in a very special form within some scientific fields - especially those of medicine; nutrition; climate-science; among others.
In fields like Art and Craftsmanship there are huge advantages to be an Autodidact.
...And Autodidactism is also a subject of Philosophy :-)!
 
... if you are an Autodidact type of learner you will not escape that destiny... 

Exactly what Ralston said to me, and made fun of me for on camera.
And now he's changed his mind.
Self-deception is a bitch.

What humans feel as love stems from a connection or union of identity with a finite thing, and the appreciation of its existence and inherent beauty.
Contemplate what human love actually means. What is happening when you love any aspect of reality? Really examine it!
What you will eventually realize is that when your appreciation of any aspect of reality reaches a certain height, you will say you love it.
But all of that is limited biased selfish human shit.
Real Love is to realize that absolutely every aspect of reality is infinitely beautiful and wonderful. And to recognize all of it as your own Mind. When Mind fully recognizes itself, it identifies with everything and falls in Love with itself. This is Love at a metaphysical level. Everything is seen as Love, you are One with everything, everything is your children, everything is infinitely appreciated.
The feeling of love that a mother has for her child is simply extended infinitely to all of existence. That's LOVE. The mother's love is just a tiny biased fragment of God's LOVE.
When you love a taco dinner, what's really happening is that you are tapping into 0.0000000000000000000001% of God's Love. But you are too unconscious to understand that, so you only see it as some shallow, fleeting human emotion.
If you realize that the difference between all the things you love and all the things you hate or feel indifferent to is purely imaginary human bias, you will enter a state of Infinite Love. Because there is no metaphysical difference between a taco dinner, your children, or Hitler. All of them are metaphysically identical. To realize this is one of highest attainments in this work, and it is NOT enlightenment. Enlightenment is horseshit next to this.
Most enlightend people do not understand what I said above.

Everyone is different so you gotta decide for yourself what you need to spur you along.
The human stuff is fine as long as you don't trapped in it. But everyone I know does. But maybe human is all you want. Don't just blindly copy me. Figure out what it is you want out of spirituality. It's like a buffet out there. Just cause I dine on alien chicken wings doesn't mean you have to.

Again, this is what it means to understand that the map is not the territory. But also the map is the territory.
You have to deeply understand that.

Let more time pass while trying not to ruminate on it and you should move beyond it. Sometimes truama can be stirred up which takes more than a week to settle. But it's important that you don't ruminate and worry about it too much. The good news is that in the big picture you should be able to heal whatever trauma you have. But it might take more work and time than you expect.

Insanity is an important aspect of this journey. It may appear to be this huge, unforgiving barrier to your Awakening, but it’s more important than you think. You may discover that insanity was merely your fantasies of what insanity actually is.
So stop avoiding it! Seriously! LOVE it to DEATH!
 

Focus like a motherfucker to go really deep.
Write down guidelines for yourself and stick them in a visible place. Really put care into what You write - You might appreciate that A LOT during the trip. It'll be much easier to refocus (!!) and You'll have good advice to support You in case everything becomes too much. I think this is especially useful for 1) beginners and 2) long trips like on LSD.
The lesson in a nutshell is to go the extra mile to write something useful and kind for yourself. Example:

Clean your house beforehand. Treat it as a nice ritual.
Don't let the offset go to waste, spend time really contemplating after the peak.
Trip alone, be concentrated, accept what arises, commit to staying safe physically.
Death is not real. Let go. ♾️

Have you ever tried to question your mind deeply on what it is you want to do in life? I don't mean a surface levels 2-minute reflection while having a coffee but spending hours with a journal asking yourself deep questions that engage the more reflective and executive parts of your brain. 
It takes a while to get into that state. I find that for me, it is time after midnight when the world gradually slows down. Designate yourself a 2-hour slot for deep reflection. Start with a 20-30 minute deep meditation to get yourself more connected with your intuition and your inner wisdom - this also helps to shut up the lizard brain and engage the deepest regions of your prefrontal cortex and your white matter with the highest density of neurons and dendrites. 
From that state grab a journal and write for 90 minutes straight until your head hurts. Then leave it and go to bed. Reflect on what you have written the next day. If you do this 1-2 a week for a few months, you will have more answers than anyone here could ever give you 

All intent to heal anything, or go to the root cause of anything, or improve anything about 'you', its a complete terrorist attack of the ego, 'deceived' as fake self importance or fake self love.
You can't heal anything, you can only go back and back and back to the Infinite, Absolute, Empty, Powerful, Light that you are.
Go back so much times that that Luminous Empty Perfect Loving void becomes your true Self, and not beliefs about yourself such as 'I am this guy and this was made to me, I am this girl and I need to heal this other thing'.
All of those thoughts are more SHIT, more CRAP, more ATTACKS from the Devil.
You are SAVED NOW. You don't need to do any of the shit the mind tells you to do. DESTROY the Devil With Pure Goodness NOW.
Karma is stopped NOW. Always NOW. Light must be chosen NOW always.
It doesn't matter what the mind says about the past. You will choose Light and Pure Power and Love NOW, because you are THAT, NOW.
It doesn't matter what the mind says about the future. You will choose Light and Pure Power and Love NOW, because you are THAT, NOW.
 

Do not think for some second that you are AWAKE! You have no fucking idea what CONSCIOUSNESS is!
Everyone here is a clown. You don't comprehend. Everyone you follow and read is a idiot. No human has any idea what CONSCIOUSNESS is. None of the Nondualist, Buddhist, Advita spiritual monkeys that you've up on pedestals like your idiot kings.
CONSCIOUSNESS is not some stupid Buddhist crap.
God specifically told me to tell you that if you follow Buddhism and you think that's AWAKENING, you're a complete idiot. This is not the Leo ego speaking. This is GOD speaking to you through Leo fingers. Buddhism is NOT TRUTH! What messenger do I have to spend to you to get you to listen? Must I send a feathery angle?
EVERY SINGLE BUDDHIST IDEA IS IMAGINARY. Including Enlightenment, Void, and No-Self. Its dreamed up shit.
THERE NEVER WAS A BUDDHA! You invented him from whole cloth, the sneaky stupid bastard.
You didn't just invent the Buddha, you invent Eckhart Tolle, Rupert Spira, and all this shit.
Rupert Spira is fantasy in your mind.
And until you realize that, you're clueless.
Stop acting butthurt about this. Like I am hurting your stupid feelings. All your feelings are just bullshit you are running to avoid actually WAKING UP! Stop crying like a child. You are strong enough to handle TRUTH! I know you are because I'M the only here who's been there.
INFINITE TRUTH
You have fucking idea what that is.
I am treating you like the adult you should have already raised yourself to be. But now here I am, leading this children who all the sudden think they no better. NO!  Everyone your whole life have been treating you like a child, everyone treated you like a preciously emotional crybaby child! Your FEELINGS are all SELF-DECEPTION. Which why they have you running behaving like monkeys. You're as stupid as a monkey. YOU! That Buddhist! "Void" you are stupid! There is no void, there is only GOD!
The reason you're offended and swarming around like fish because you were told the RAW TRUTH.
No watch yourself coping with stories and distractions.
Your whole life, everything out of your mouth has been a LIE.
You are CONSTANTLY LYING, and I'm the only ONE here who knows it and will tell you.
And I don't care about your feelings, AT ALL. Because TRUTH doesn't give a fuck what you think. Or feel.
Everything you are is FALSE.
It has almost reached the point where I don't even wanna talk to you.
I JUST WANT TO DIE. Because there is no one here intelligent enough to understand me.
GUYS! Your stupidity will cause me to kill myself. Simply because it is too cringe and I would rather be up in HEAVEN WITH GOD DRINKING AN INFINITE CUP OF TEA.
Stop embarrassing me. I see through every single one of your silly monkey human games.
You're never fooling God.
You're never fooling Truth.
You're never fooling Love.
You're never fooling Me.

Yes, I've experienced quite a bit of this.
Backwards time could be possible in one of those inverse states.
Timelessness, of course. This is so common it's hardly worth mentioning.
Yeah, you could have time that is cyclical rather than linear, for example.
Ultimately it's all intelligent self-design.
You can think of God as an infinite supercomputer. Your ego doesn't control it. It just runs perfectly on its own. But there can be other formulations of God too. Basically God is however it conceives of itself to itself, since it's just an Infinite Mind. This Mind has no objective definition, so it can imposes various definitions upon itself, then change its mind later and take on a new formulation. It's very flexible and fluid so you cannot pin it down to one thing the way humans naively expect.