Gianna

For me it's really good for connecting with my body, letting go, surrendering, etc. But yeah, as @Thought Art said, it can be addictive and I would add that it's hard to not get dependent on this tool. Congrats @Thought Art for doing a great job quitting!

@Tristan12 This song is tagged on YouTube as #healingmusic, hehehe.

@ValiantSalvatore well you said that people were way too dense with their ideas and couldn’t be helped. So I was saying that you had the belief that people couldn’t be helped because you said that, not because I was projecting— you said it! Hehe. Yeah I know what you mean. I’ve had that experience too. It’s not shaming, it simply saying why relief would sound good to you after intense states like obsession and intensity. It doesn’t matter if they’re good or bad, I wasn’t implying good or bad. I was just saying why relief would sound good after intense emotions like that. Anyway yeah this is a lot. Hope you get it all settled.

Also, hatred is about rejection. So if you have hatred in you, it’s coming from a part that feels rejected and the rejection it feels turns into hate. But hate is really a cover emotion for feeling vulnerable. Anyway, whats most likely happening is you are unconsciously rejecting this part so it is rejecting giving you your LP/joy. Maybe you don’t have the “have to” mentality, but maybe you have the “so that” mentality. I am doing all of these things (courses, retreats, meditation) so that, I can be X (x=different than how you are, which is why this part is interpreting you as rejecting it). “Why do I have to be anything other than what I am right now?” is how this part feels and why it is rejecting giving you your joy.

You are a paradoxical person because your wires are crossed. Working feels like relief to you. Instead of just settling on this you need to ask yourself why that is. Why are you paradoxical? Question yourself instead of just telling yourself that’s how you are. But why are you obsessive and intense? This is why you are not aligning with your LP. It’s not because you don’t believe you can help people— you do think you can help people which is why you’re having the second thought, “well people can’t be helped.” It takes the first thought to even have the second thought. You do think you can help people but you are questioning whether or not you even want to because you think it’ll end in exhaustion or disappointment because you have a belief “people can’t be helped.” Maybe you are thinking too much about service and not enough about your own joy. LP feels like joy which is why you can’t align with it because you cannot reach joy you can only try and reach for relief because you are obsessive and intense. Yeah I’ve taken the course.

Yeah, that’s everything!

What you were describing at 4:22 is called bulbous-teeny. Have you heard of it? Or at least it sounds like that’s what you were experiencing. It’s a physiological response/sensation (like the one you were describing) that happens when you reintegrate the purity that comes after purging out your burdens.

If this is happening it’s because you have been living a life with an intense “have to” mentality. You have reached a point of exhaustion that not even a life purpose sounds good anymore. Everything you will try to do (even if it once sounded pleasant) will turn into pain with this mentality. You need to let yourself let go completely and give yourself the permission to do nothing. Absolutely nothing with no plans or ideas for what action or purpose to take or anything. What feels like relief to you? Laying on a beach? Watching a movie? We are scared that if we let ourselves go into these things we will never get out, but will instead be stuck in our lack of motivation and misery forever. But this is not true. What is true is that if we really give ourselves the permission to do nothing (which takes courage/bravery from a mentality of this state), our desire for relief is satiated, and our energy will begin to find its way. Your mind is agitated with beliefs. Give yourself an intense break from thinking and planning.

Wow, so insane! Thank you for sharing.

Hehehe, literally. I really like this.

@Lyubov

@Julian gabriel LOL! With scientist goggles.

Here are some potentials/ideas: - we're becoming more expressive and accepting of the dark sides of our humanity. - it's a capitalistic strategy for views. - our inner turmoil is being reflected externally. haha. - people like to see something they see as a reality instead of unrealistic fiction. Idk, there are probably a number of reasons!

Go out somewhere where it is safe and throw glass plates against rocks as hard as you can and watch them shatter. haha. Don't forget to cover your eyes! This is how I would express rage. I actually think there are places for it now. And smashing other objects too. Bring a bat. hehe.

You are stuck in a parallel reality. It is the most painful state to be in. I know it doesn't seem or feel like it, but when you suffer the collective suffers. The best thing to do to get out of the parallel reality is to use other people and join their realities. Over time your parallel reality will open enough so other people can join you in yours. Then you will see that other people are real.

@RickyFitts showed me this beautiful art piece. I just love it! It reminds me of our beautiful inner children and emotional body– the canvas of self-love!

Well, artists create the piece first and foremost for themselves. So the end result is really just a communication for themselves to receive. The sharing for others could be secondary and whatever. But the exploration and communication are both done to and from the artist, to and from themself. If that makes sense.

I hate that vegan options are so expensive. I just spent 18 dollars on a burrito.. but maybe that's just that shop. It was the most organic place I've seen. I have to admit, it feels good to not have the feeling of meat weighing me down. And don't even get me started on the intolerant feeling of dairy. I want to feel cleansed and free. I like being vegan but it's so damn hard. And our stupid society doesn't make it easy. I mean, California is actually really good but then again it's $18 for a burrito. I hate cooking. I even hate eating in general. I wish I could primarily live off of life force energy. Kind of like I did back at university when I didn't even have enough time to eat. I would basically drink all of my meals in the form of protein shakes, smoothies, and coffee. The caffeine took away all appetite and so did bartending and school and excessive exercise. But I was too skinny back then and abusive to my body. I acted like a dictator to my body. But ever since experiencing its consciousness I now work on creating a loving and symbiotic relationship with it. I want to nurture it and meet all of its needs. But it's not easy and very tiring. It's like taking care of an infant. We haven't found a routine– something that works and is effortless for the both of us. I would prefer to eat the same thing every day so I can just get on with it. Eating feels like a chore. But my body wants a diversity of nutrients. In other words, it doesn't want to eat the same thing every day. It wants an abundance of healthy bacteria, omegas, and to be alkaline and all of that. It wants intimacy with the food it ingests, so food meditations. It wants me to be present with it while it eats and while it digests. It's just a lot. But plant-based foods are pretty loving. I like meeting and feeling its consciousness, unlike the consciousness of meat. The consciousness of meat feels like death and fear, abuse, torment, defeat, and sadness. Anyway, I can ask the plants to make my body feel loved and supported as it goes through me. Oh yeah, that's what I should do. I should subscribe to one of those meal plan things where they send you food to cook. I feel like I would enjoy cooking more if I didn't have to measure and cut the ingredients. Because it comes already organized and ready to go, I can just throw it in the pan and watch it cook and simmer. I think that would work for us. And I don't mind doing food meditations. I'm willing to do them in the morning and then we can figure it out for lunch and dinner. hehehe. I probably won't do it before dinner, I'm not going to lie to you my dear one. But I think a meal plan will work and be really good. We'll see how it goes.

Integrity Staying whole. Following your callings. Not being influenced by other’s energy. “Our quest for integrity is in radiating our heart’s waking vision as opposed to trying to fulfill a dream someone else has for us” — Michael Brown Authenticity Allowing. Not restricting energy. “Our quest for authenticity is an awakening into an awareness of what we are as opposed to who we think we are supposed to be.” — Michael Brown Intimacy Becoming one. Witnessing divinity. Being in eternity. “Our quest for intimacy is when we honor our life experience as it is, instead of behaving as if it were supposed to be different.” — Michael Brown “Just as the fullness of the experience called integrity awaits us beyond the quest for authenticity, and just as the fullness of the experience called intimacy awaits us beyond the quest for integrity, so too there is an experience that awaits us beyond the sweet embrace of intimacy.” — Michael Brown

Right now I am feeling as if my emotions are crossed– am I feeling excited or anxious? Am I feeling lonely or sad? I am going to journal my emotions here. Excitement or Anxiety? I'm not sure if I've ever felt anxiety but I've been paralyzingly excited. I wrote a thread about it because it is kind of a problem– when really good, happy, loving things happen I think I have anxiety attacks? I don't even know because I don't even know though because idk if I've experienced anxiety really. To me– and because it is when good things happen– it comes off as excitement. But it's really overwhelming. Click here for the full thread on excitement: Loneliness or Afraid? Yesterday, I had just got back from a long trip home. I was finally in my safe place. Except, when all of the chaos from home settled, I felt this kind of emptiness. This post-chaotic stillness made me feel lonely. Except when I dug deeper into the feeling– and I really felt it– I realized that I wasn't 'loneliness' at all. I was deeply afraid. What was I afraid of? I still don't know. But it made me realize that my 'lonely' and 'afraid' emotional wires are crossed as well. I wasn't afraid of being lonely because I desire to be alone. That might make me inauthentic but it doesn't make me afraid. At least, I don't think.

I plan on this! I think it will be a great growing opportunity. And thank you Ricky, I will!

This is not the main thing to liberate everyone. What liberates everyone is disidentification. And when you don't have the feeling reference of what Leo is really pointing to when he says you are alone, you will try to understand it through identification which is what leads to solipsism and why so many people get stuck on it. The alone thing will absolutely not liberate you if you are not, or can not, or have not reached beyond the level of total disidentification. Again, you have it backward. The world being a mirage is not what liberates you, it is what you come to realize after liberation. You can think others are real and still reach liberation. It is you who must be seen through as not real because you are others. So when you see that you are not real (and this goes beyond just intellectual understanding of the concept of ego, it is a feeling experience) you will inevitably see that others are not real. In other words, it's best to start with you, because you are where everything starts and ends.

@RickyFitts Thank you, Ricky, it was a miserable state to be in.. haha. A lot of tension and anxiety. And I agree about the masseuse. I just don't want to break her spirit as her spirit is so high while talking. I am either sensing her sensitivity and treading lightly, or I am projecting it onto her. Regardless, I am sure she is capable of understanding. So I think that's great advice. Thank you soul brother <3

I agree, the simplicity of the answer doesn't provide much insight for those who don't have reference for the deeper implications. So the deeper implications can sound/feel like this: Let's say that you're creating something and you don't really know why or where your desire or inspired beauty of the creation is coming from. You're kind of creating from your subconscious mind, so to speak. Well, the subconscious mind is not something we have access to, consciously. In other words, we don't have conscious understanding of our subconscious mind, that's why we call it subconscious. But when you create something out of this subconscious field you now have a physical representation of it that you can look at, analyze, and understand with more crystalized meaning. So, for example, let's say you create something like an art piece, or photography, of something that is emo. The emo-ness is coming from a subconscious feeling of depression, despair, or sadness, but on a conscious level, you see the beauty of it which is why you make it into art. Art is highlighting facets of reality that you see as beautiful. So in this sense, art can be really healing because it's almost like you are integrating the part of your subconscious that is sad, depressed, and in despair by joining it (by creating the art from it) and then shining your love and light on it (by consciously seeing its beauty, purpose, meaning). I hope that makes sense! And answers your question for 'why art'. Art is very healing, and integrative, and beautiful. And having those things (which come from the inside) reflected in your outside/external reality is quite a remarkable experience. It provides knowledge, understanding, appreciation, more love, more ideas, and thus more expansion. This is the entire purpose of the 3rd-dimensional reality we are living in. It's a learning and loving hologram we created for ourselves to see ourselves and to expand ourselves. Also, Leo has an episode titled What is Art. I think it's one of his strongest episodes. I highly suggest listening to it.

Jody made me the most delicious Japanese vegetable fried rice tonight. It was really good and my body loved it. But I accidentally ate too much sugar afterward for dessert and now my heart is racing and chest is tightening. I feel a sharp pain under my right clavicle that shoots through my back right shoulder blade and up the side of my neck. What the frick, I'm so mad at myself. I just want to drink a bunch of water and go to sleep but my body is shaking. I never want to have sugar again!!!