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Everything posted by fopylo

  1. Lately I've been eating a lot more junk food, I've been more on social media, barely meditated, barely watched Leo's videos (not as consistent and as serious as before). Man I just hate it, fucking sucks. I'm learning all those things like how to stop backsliding, visualization, spirituality, attachments, Maslow's hierarchy, morality, and like I'm not managing to combine them all. I'm slacking off. I don't have even clarity of what I want to do with my time, lacking clarity and decisiveness. How in the world would visualization help me if I don't know what is the ONE thing that I need to put all my efforts into for like 3 fucking months, so much stress and of course Imma slack off in such a situation. Should I go with Maslow's Hierarchy or with my desire? Maybe I should eat healthy, but I'm trying not to 'should' myself in the foot so I go to the other end, eating unhealthy. I want to create. I know it deep deep inside even if I'm not always thinking about it. I have so many "problems" that just cloud my vision of reality. What in the world is happening in my life that causes me to slow down meditation, thus being less grounded and being a bit unstable in my life. But even if I decide, say, to create music (because I really love music and I know I will want to create music in the future) but it never hits me that this is the MOST IMPORTANT thing I should be doing with my time. What about investing time reading about finance so that I don't need to worry about money? How about a book on meditation? How about a book on human communication because I lack it. I can't even decide the more subtle things which determine my life trajectory, filled with more indecisiveness. It's like I'm meta-indecisive (this is how it feels sometimes). I've just finished high-school (final ceremony on the 21.6) which is really sad. Since I live in a small locality, we basically know each others' faces for 12 years, and leaving all that behind is really fricking sad and identity-threatening. I wouldn't consider most of them good friends of mine, but I still enjoyed their company somewhat. And in like 2 months I'm going to my camp for 6 months before the military (which is for 2.5 years). So much change is going on and it can quite overwhelm me at sometimes and I think there is a correlation to some extent for my falling. Anyways I just need a plan, I need some helping hand. I am lost. I know I am lost and I'm glad I know this at least although it is also a curse. Just want to enjoy my life again and be on the uphill I was before that
  2. Every time I'm going to have lunch with a friend it's always me who's taking the initiative. Never (except maybe like twice) had someone taken the initiative to have lunch with me. But the thing is that the say yes when I invite them, and it doesn't seem as though they're doing me a favor, but rather cooperating. But still, why am I the one to always take the initiative? I'm telling you, I've tried leaving them for like a week or two and they didn't come back to me. I thought they just needed some space, but then at least will sometime recognize this space and decide to invite me. But yeah, they still have no problem coming when I invite them. However, there are also other kinds of "friends" with whom I speak to in school and I've known them for quite some years, but I'm slowly starting to rethink those friendships. They are nice but when the rubber hits the rode they disappear. They always can't have lunch with me (I wasn't nagging them. Maybe 3-4 times asked them, the said they can't and didn't ever initiate in return) and they never come to my concerts and meet one on one. Those people are still good friends of mine. It's just that it's quite bothering and confusing me why they never can/want to meet with me and take the initiative. In fact, I'm quite somewhere in the center of this "group" of friends (there tend to joke a lot around me about me in a friendly way and I make them laugh and bring interest into the conversation). So yeah, why do friends not invite me but act very friendly to me at school? (it doesn't seem even like they're faking it) Why do I feel kinda lonely outside of school, but in school I feel closer to the center within some groups of people? It is really confusing me and I don't want to make radical decisions of cutting out people when I might lack understanding
  3. I've seen Leo's episode on How To Stop Backsliding, and it was really insightful and I was really happy that I found the video that I needed - The no bullshit explanation of how to make change in your life/how to stop procrastinating. I thought it would help me with starting to create music. So he talks about things like homeostasis, proper expectations, support system, meditation and visualization habits. Sorry if my issues sound stupid or silly to some but I'm telling you that I am honestly writing that and for me it is quite big. Anyways - The issues: Visualization: I struggle to get on board with simply visualizing. I could visualize about visualizing.. about visualizing about visualizing... I just need this switch in my mind to start visualizing, because I feel I have mental resistance/dissonance towards building a vision in something realistic (and not like a dream) - I mean like visualizing me creating music on FL Studio (music software for those who don't know) and not me visualizing about myself being a great musician, being more reasonable. Also, isn't visualization counterproductive to developing awareness of thoughts? Visualization presumes that I know what I want to achieve, the one thing, which leads me to my second struggle - Clarity: I said that I am very interested in getting into (more like back to) music creation and I feel that I could do really great in it if I put the effort. I would be quite obvious for me to solely focus on that since I believe it is probably one of the things that can change me the most, but is it the most important thing? It would be really nice to have a habit of creating music, but how do I know if it is more important than focusing on the habit of practicing piano which I've got back into not long ago? Or maybe focusing on developing my awareness is the number one thing I should be doing...maybe starting to invest my money and reading books on finance? Leo mentioned that focusing on 2 things is not good in producing success and that it is the best to focus on one thing at a time. For me this will probably be hard as I tend to switch objectives. But let's say I have managed to get clear and focused on one thing, I feel like my life would be boring only putting my focus on it. And even when I achieve it and I move to the next, and next, and next, I will already lose progress from the things I've already changed and will go back to normal. I really struggle getting clear on what I want and I'm also entering a new phase of my life, quite scary for me if I'm being honest, and this in itself is already threatening my homeostasis. So how do I deal with those 2 major issues? It will really change the world for me if you could provide me with solutions to this very very tricky vicious rut that I've been stuck in for years already and took a long time to just get basic understanding of what's going on with me thanks to Leo's videos and especially this one.
  4. I hope it's not only for me. For some reason messages I've sent to people just got deleted. Also I've found that some comments on threads of mine got deleted. There was no crossing any guidelines, pure simple conversations. @Leo Gura Could you check into this? Let me know if also others have it. Quite frustrated that the messages I put effort into got erased as well as of other people
  5. Leo's video on overcoming addiction suggests you sit with this feeling, but recently I see him and others say to fulfill this desire (such as wanting to have ice-cream) and savor it consciously until you transcend it. Problem is that I still find myself having ice-cream quite often. With what approach should I go? Should I fulfill the desire and express it consciously or suppress it and feel the emptiness?
  6. @OctagonOctopus I have never really seriously contemplated that but I feel I have a good idea. In general I want to move people through music. All of that presumes I'm clear that I want to focus on creating music. I said I feel like it's almost a calling, something that could change my life, but for this phase in my life there might be other things which are more important to focus on. I can't ditch everything else, as I want to grow in more areas in my life. Can't focus on one thing at a time - fitness, developing awareness, creating music, practicing piano, practicing my social skills, studying. I will break down that way. This is so tricky omg
  7. @Eph75 I'll try to reply faster, sorry for keeping you waiting long. By the way I read what you write like at least twice and it takes me a long time to go through it lol, so I'm preparing lot's of energy and focus to go through what you wrote and I can't do this just whenever. I need to be focused and in the right mind. So then what is the purpose of having "relationship/friendship goals"? It's almost like you're saying to instead change it to "giving goals". In that case I won't have goals such as getting a girlfriend in the next 3 years, keeping in touch with friends from high-school, developing friendships in the camp. It would be more like "what can I do to give this girl, what can I do to make the kids from high school feel good about themselves, what can I give those people in the camp". It can be interpreted as being a nice guy, and also there is a lack of objection. How can I expect to form any relationship without the objective of forming one? I believe relationships are important and I can't just be "fuck it, I'll just give and whatever. I'll aim to feel the love in me rather than aim to connect to people, I'll be detached from them". What do I give myself? Self-love? Well then why in the world do our brains produce these chemicals if it ruins us eventually?? How can it serve us if the great feeling comes from this self-love? This sounds exactly like the opposite of what you were saying. It seems like an expectation - "I see how much you give me, and I'll match it up with how much I give you back in return". @Julian Fernando Ok, so now thinking about it you might be right that I never really felt love when I needed/expected it, in fact I felt quite bad, so you got that point. But from the very few moments that I remember experiencing love, I don't remember that I was necessarily "giving" something. I know for sure that I wasn't expecting anything but I don't think I gave something. It was more like the other person did something and I was just in a different state of being, not needing. I might really be wrong and probably not accurate in my memory, or perhaps I am just understanding it in an inaccurate way. It's as if it had to do also with the participant/s of the situation. Perhaps I am not aware of all the types of "giving" that I have emanated in those moments..
  8. @Rigel Yeah, and to stop backsliding. I'm getting closer and closer to uncover the truth of this matter. Posted a more updated version of my perspective on this matter. After I saw the video How To Stop Backsliding it changed my view on it and I see the structure differently. I just wrote about it here:
  9. I've been taking a long break from the book Music Habits: The Mental Game Of Electronic Music Production (if anyone heard about it) and it's quite insightful. One of the things he talks about is the fact that building the habit comes prior to building your skills, and that thinking that you need more "knowledge" and tutorials is just an illusion. Once you build the habit then everything becomes way easier and you actually do create music instead of just fantasizing. So basically he gave an exercise (or advice) to open your DAW and create everyday for 15 minutes (though he said you can do even up to 30 minutes, but I'll stick with 15). He says that it can be very trashy, but as long as you create something , it's good. So I've been doing this exercise in the past (not consistently, skipping some days), and let me tell you my experience and maybe you could help guide me. So here are some struggles I faced with it: I felt pressure to create something and be creative. Even tough he said it can be trashy I still felt the anxiety to create something, bring an idea onto the table and make it sound good. I also felt sometimes pressured by the time. 15 minutes never gave me enough time to start and finish something. This made shorter beats that are mostly on loop with nothing special. I don't want to go also overtime because I don't want my brain to think that like 20 minutes is what I should be aiming for next time, putting more pressure. The biggest reason why I skipped days (imo) is because this process feels so dumb. I have this notion that I'm capable of reaching very high levels with my music if I really put my effort into it. And doing this exercise really makes me feel trash and hurt. Some of the instruments are just too heavy for my FL Studio to render, which is frustrating and very limiting. About the last point, I'm really interested in creating orchestral music. I just think it's so damn beautiful. The problem is that my laptop can't fucking render the good quality violins while I'm creating. It is a real pain to play a few notes and then make a sample out of it because this is the only way to render it, and even then it's really a mess. I've been really inspired by the YouTuber Alex Moukala if anyone knows. But back to the writer's block. I just don't really know what to think about in this process. What are some good mindsets and ideas I should take while doing those 15 minutes. I get also really frustrated when my song is just a loop, or the sounds are not as I had in my head. I've decided that I want to get back into creating music. I wouldn't be surprised if it's somehow tied with my life purpose. All the time fucking delaying it with excuses that seem so valid, even such as "I'm taking a break to practice mindfulness and meditation so I can come back stronger" is a very genius get-away. Anyways, I would appreciate guidance and advice from fellow musicians here who also went through such a period. Thanks
  10. @kag101 Maybe. Hard to define. Tell me if you understand this: I did have some hobbies in the past, but due to day-to-day life events I've built resistance towards certain things which I could consider "hobbies". I avoid many things out of some unconscious fears, even if it's stupid things like buying a video game. I don't let myself too loose on those stuff. Don't get me wrong, I mean loose in general to both healthy and unhealthy things. I used to engage in many things, but as I'm entering this self actualization journey I've realized that it can't be sustainable to pursue all of them at the same time, as if they would all grow eventually but in a longer period of time. This is false, and I need to focus on one thing. Being clear on what's the one thing is what I struggle with and have some fear around. Fear of missing out is one of them, I don't want to fuck up with this. Due to this pressure I don't go out and make a decision, just stay stuck in my homeostasis, not doing pretty much anything... I just saw the video How To Stop Backsliding which was quite insightful. I feel like I have almost all the tools I need to go and make a change, but I need to be clear on that. Taking the life purpose course isn't something very convenient for the time being. I'm just looking for going after something clear in the moment. I'm also not saying all that to complain, so please don't get the wrong attitude. I'm still growing and perhaps I'll find the answer for myself in not so long. Just had to let a bit out. The synchronicity of Leo's videos are amazing... aren't they?
  11. @Rigel Just watched the video How To Stop Backsliding. Has amazing points and great theory. Gonna use some of the ideas. What I need is also clarity. I need to get clear on what is the most important thing I want to achieve
  12. Thanks guys. By the way I was lying on my bed before, feeling this empty feeling, and then went and had the ice-cream feeling into it. I don't think it was a good decision (like always) but at the moment it felt like it @Zigzag Idiot By the way I don't understand this image at all ?
  13. You've done part 1 quite a while ago and I think it's time for part 2... lol Emotions are a very important topic, since once you master them you can easily master your life
  14. @Swarnim Just eradicated the words I used ? What do you mean by "they add friction to your life"? As a follow up question, why would you personally want to engage in low consciousness entertainment?
  15. I used to believe 'expressing an emotion' means to find the emotion and then to let it be fully, to get it out and let it be. Now I've realized that true expression doesn't mean I am expressing, at least not in the way of letting it go, as though it was caught and now I'm trying to release it. From my direct experience it's more like expression expressing itself, or just expression being. There's no need for me to try and take it out, expression will already do that for me (a sneaky need to monitor. The more I advance, the sneakier my mind gets). I am still newbie in this understanding but I feel I'm getting somewhere with this one stepping stone. Another quick realization I had: I always have this need to reconcile paradoxes in spirituality, personal growth and in how everything that's happening interconnects. Like if spirituality is supposed to be like becoming free to do whatever I want, then why do I still prefer sticking to meditation and self actualization work rather than watch entertainment and listen to very low conscious youtubers. How do I reconcile the validity of lower consciousness things with higher ones. I've came to an incomplete conclusion that spirituality means the acceptance of everything as it is, and reconciliation is coming from a need for order, but that will just follow me every time there is something new in my discoveries. I must always remind myself as the foundation that everything that is happening right now is valid just from the fact that it is existing prior to my interpretation of it.
  16. @Thought Art I am at the stage where I don't know whether I need a hard kick in the ass (which is neurotic), or I need a compassionate understanding and help to get the right frame of mind. This is making me nervous knowing that my only free time I'll have for a while is now for less than 3 months (like I said in other threads, I won't be free for 3.5 years because of military stuff which you have to go to in my country)
  17. I've took a break from this book since I feel like I need to implement more of it's content before I can continue. The author suggests to build first the habit and then build your skillset, and that setting the habit is way more important. So the exercise he gave is to practice for 15 minutes everyday as long as you're creating something, doesn't need to be perfect. But I always get super anxious to approach this task. Always feeling the need to create something great, and this pressure causes me to procrastinate. Would like to hear your advice. I've made another thread about it. I might be mentally masturbating but I need help
  18. I really really appreciate all those kind comments I'll say however that I've lost my drive to create music a few days after posting this thread. A few days ago I had a bit of motivation but had lot's of limiting believes and wrong mindsets and understandings which disable me from creating music. Now I got tired of it, dropped it aside and lost motivation. I don't feel frustrated, but just nothing (maybe a tiny bit frustrated). But I know what will happen - Like always it will come back to me. Music is very very powerful in the way I experience it. It will surely come to me in a new way not far from now, that it is a higher calling for me. And then all those unresolved deep issues will show up and prevent me from "getting on the grind" (or just simply building the habit) @Rigel This is a very great ideal. Problem is that it doesn't work so well for me if I already have resistance towards it. Trying to start with baby steps, but baby steps are backfiring on themselves...Kinda funny not gonna lie
  19. Hi, so I've just finished watching the newest episode of how the role of experience plays in life and it is quite insightful. I feel like my level of experience of life is very low and I don't really go out there seeking to acquire more experiences, like Leo said, I'm comfortable in my own rut. It is very overwhelming me to go and experience more of life, even the things most people would consider very small like just hugging a woman (as a friendly greeting), being genuine with people about how you feel, talking to groups of people, feeling excited with more people, laughing with others and more. I fear life. I fear the death of my ego from this overwhelm of life. I would also add that having more experiences can really shake my paradigm and threatens my homeostasis. So how do I overcome this fear of life and start to experience more? Leo suggested that I need to develop more skill by gaining experience, but I still fear this change. I've always knew that at some point will come a time when I'll need to overcome my fear of life. It's as if I had this intuition many years ago and now it's happening (I could almost say like it feels part of the plan I always knew on the deepest levels). Another question I had is regarding the life purpose course. In less than 3 months I'm going to a camp of 6 months which is basically something before the military service. I chose to go to this camp, and afterwards I have a duty of serving for 3 years in the military (I'm not so pro this idea but wherever I am it's a must to serve in the military). So during those first 6 months of camp I'm going to be there with the people for like most of the time, and come home only once every 2 weeks (later, in the military it will most likely be once a week). So as you see, I won't have time to work on my life purpose as I am kind of confined and limited with what I can do. What should I do in that case? Should I just wait until I finish those 3.5 years and then start taking the life purpose course? Also, how am I supposed to practice self actualization work and meditations there? I fear I might be worse off. (by the way, the reason I decided to go to this camp from the start was to get out of my comfort zone and live with people my age and grow socially. But as time comes closer I start fearing this experience and I start seeing the negatives of it)
  20. @WelcometoReality But I had to be aware enough to see that expression is something that is happening on its own. It's not enough to just say 'be present'. We are used to being the ones who are controlling, but hearing the opposite - that we are not in control, has a passive connotation for beginners like me. That's why we need to redefine "no control" and set a proper image for it. It seems like "no control" could be perceived as being very free because you're just flowing. So what is happening in the instances when I decide something? What is happening when I'm making a choice, trying to change something? Who is doing the thinking, analyzing and brings the subconscious emotional drives? Does this go into the territory of enlightenment? (I don't know anything about it, didn't watch Leo's videos yet)
  21. @Eph75 what did he gain though? If his focus is on adding value, then what about the wholeness and self-acceptance that he needs? How can adding value to others automatically make you whole and fulfilled inside? You need to build yourself up before you can start giving
  22. If I REALLY REALLY want I can get out of this situation but it is very common for Israeli citizens to serve in the military (it is expected from you, otherwise it isn't seen as something good). You are right in the sense that in downtime I could find time to meditate and contemplate. I could also maybe read books on my phone. I just prefer to do it mostly in private, you know... Thanks for the encouragement, I feel more hopeful. However, I still can't go wherever the fuck I want, can't be on my laptop, can't try out new hobbies. It's a bit sad thinking about it but I'll try using the time to probably read more and if possible to watch your videos and practice privately
  23. @Leo Gura But it's kind of putting my mood down the fact that for 3 years I won't be able to make any progress discovering my top values in life and finding what fulfills me. I might go insane seeing that I'm not making progress because of those limits. I must say though, over the months I have periods where I'm more sure of what my talents are (those are usually in times when I'm progressing a lot in life) and periods where I'm clueless and doubt whether I am even skillful at anything, like now. Even when I discover that I do have some talents here and there, I don't find myself to be very great at one of them, certainly no master, not exceptional. I believe part of it has to do with my fears of going all out and probably more, but I hope you see the situation I'm in
  24. @Eph75 Very insightful holy shit man! Thanks for putting the effort into helping me understand life better
  25. That is quite beautiful. But let me be brutally honest. Why the fuck would I want to seek a relationship in order for me to add value? What is my gain? Doesn't it make more sense to seek a friendship/relationship because you can gain something from it? Otherwise why seek it if it doesn't add something to you?