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Everything posted by fopylo

  1. My parents just announced to me and my brother that they are getting divorced. This was quite sad and brother took it harder. I wasn't that surprised to be honest. My parents are really not great and neurotic each one in his own way. I could kinda predict this was coming. My relationship with my parents is very not great, but I can also see how they are falling into a suffering loop they are creating for themselves, and even though I don't like being with them, the only thing I wish for them is that they will understand some of the exclusive wisdom I've gained about spirituality/suffering/self-help... What can I do to help them? My mother gets very angry and annoyed at the world all the time, eats junk, she doesn't get much attention in the small family because she is annoying. My father seems hopeless, anxious, low confidence that he is trying to hide, criticizing sometimes. I am not interested in spending time with them, as I'm also in camp. How do I somehow help them start their journey towards self-liberation. They are probably living in some hell that is quite in the background without them even realizing
  2. It is best to start your post with a spoiler warning of some kind
  3. It's a common theme (was a common theme back in highschool) to act stupid, silly (to make people laugh) and people just make fun of me and I don't attack back and they call me cute and I don't know how to respond, and keep calling me like that. I thought coming to this camp will bring to a fresh start. I was wrong. I am playing cards with 3 others and they are laughing with me (at me, I felt attacked) saying I am hollow in my skull, stupid, cute (from being "naive"), white boy, my accent, small dick, weak. I am just taking all of that in kinda laughing but deep down I am repressing aggressively my sadness and that I am breaking down. I am starting to hate this girl (the main one who is talking trash like that on me). It is humiliating and it fucks up with my focus on those thoughts. Please help. I am at camp and I am living with those people. How should I respond?
  4. @Nahm I don't think I quite understood how it has to do with what I really said. I find it lately hard to adapt myself to social groups. Feelings of not belonging to the group, not wanted, don't have enough energy for socializing... I've realized that at some point of friendship, when it gets a bit too close for me it overwhelms me with ideas and thoughts which lead me to actually stray away from them and try to focus on being separate from them. I also don't really like the image people have of me, me as a person - the silly guy that people tend to make fun of and sometimes even bully me in a friendly manner, but still, it hurts by limiting myself from acting assertive and more serious, but rather take this victim role because I also don't really know how to respond to such situations.
  5. @Nahm I can't take this shit anymore. I'm bad at socializing, and I envy how the other guys are becoming very good friends already (the way they talk to each other, touch each other, hug each other... I really wish I could have such friendships). It really frustrates me. I feel like I'm not very accepted (it's tricky because they also think I look handsome and I always try to get away from those compliments). I am actually going away from social gatherings, even though I know that my goal here was to create great friendships that may hold for life (in that 6 month period of camp. We're almost 2 months in.) It is also hard for me to stand for myself and be assertive. There is this one kid, this one kid that subconsciously I know I want to connect to him, because I'm attracted to the way he treats friends, yet for some reason, in actuality, I kinda stray away from him, not knowing exactly why.. maybe I fear of being too pushy? Or to bother? Some people here are going through not such an easy period, but are still getting help from other people here, one on ones. I've never yet got the help. I've never yet got the help Feeling stuck behind, as if I'm returning to my older self - always trying, but never quite there yet It sucks, it really does But maybe I'm just too clouded Is that what I really want? I desire it, yet stay away from it, like a hot stove - The closer I get the more overwhelming So then, why do I tell myself I want it? I feel like two people, like two voices are playing the game, or one unstable voice What am I really trying to get? Sadness is what I wish to show, but doesn't show Sympathy is what I want to get, but never shows But I don't want that Because at the same time I am a handsome man that is born to get the girls And play big, to succeed To master the emotions To understand To observe and know
  6. @Nahm Thing is that I still isolate myself a lot lately because I don't feel like being with people and I don't want to put the pressure on myself to do so
  7. @Nahm I resist letting go. Why the fuck do I keep holding on? Am I fucking disabled? You Toledo me many times that it is all about letting go, yet I'm still struggling with this shit. And even when I did manage sometimes (especially some time after the sessions), I still find myself forgetting about letting go, and decide to still hold on. Now I'm at camp and I feel really shitty. Everybody seems to be doing socially fine and acting naturally, and I'm isolating myself and somewhat of a scapegoat. Parents also got divorced recently so it isn't the easiest. I am living within my limitations Not really here and not really at home Where am I What am I really trying to get Is it the love within me that I'm lacking? Perhaps I decide to isolate myself, thinking it will get me somewhere, or take something off of me Where are those lost dreams? Where are they? I want to be like him, like him, and like him. I see hidden traits in myself, in them I love ruminating, because it feels goody good. I love being the victim, because it feels comfortable, but very limiting. I live in fear. Fuck, I just don't know how to flow, how to let myself flow. How much longer can I take it, this camp, or myself... Because wherever I am, I am there Where is this happiness within me Ok, I'll stop here. Just tried to create a poem without editing
  8. @Nahm @Nahm I don't think I quite understood. I want good friendships and that people will want to be with me. @mandyjw I didn't understand... (Tagged by mistake, bug, but now it makes sense)
  9. @LSD-Rumi Thank you very much
  10. @Nahm But I do want to have great friendships and I want to be loved here. Those are expectations which are harder for me to let go, and when I get frustrated then I try to isolate myself and it feels like shit @mandyjw (My phone is stupid, don't know why it is tagging you for fuck sake)
  11. @mandyjw (sorry I have a bug on my phone. Don't even know why it tags you. You can ignore if you want). So I still get laughed at a bit and it still annoys me. Lately I'm pretty quite and more closed, less open than the other guys, not showing signs of a real man. The only thing I "have" is that girls are telling me I look handsome and like how I look and sometimes say that they love me (in a joking friendly manner, only like 2) and I don't know how to react and it feels weird. It may have to do with the story of me being seen as cute and everything that they feel comfortable talking with me like that. Another guy was telling me to come to party some time, which felt slightly like in a joking manner, but probably not, but many people see me as cute and funny so I don't know. As I'm trying to be more assertive on my place, and stop being "bullied" (in a "friendly" manner) I feel like I am not really resonating with the guys here. I am not getting the juicy friendships here that others are getting. And those others are so chill, don't care too much, flow, acting natural. I have some issues with things bring clean and tidy, order, and it feels like it's separating me a bit. I haven't yet felt what's it like when people want to see me and are excited for my attendance. @Nahm all those conditions... It was what you were talking about, right?
  12. @Nahm Honestly, not that bad all the time. I do some silly things by mistake, and sometimes I just decide to act silly. It feels like I'm on a 'high' but then sometime later there is a little discord. How do I do this? (it is quite different from mere thoughts).
  13. @flowboy Thank you! I'll try to find a way I can implement it. I need to upgrade my inner game though. @charlie cho I'm currently at camp so I can't, however I've been taking martial art classes (karate) for a relatively long time and so I don't feel that anxious when it comes to physical violence. In fact, sometimes I played with girls with playful violence sometimes.
  15. @mandyjw You mean just to be smart and clever? It doesn't sound exactly like 'cute'... Not the exact thing to define it in my opinion. I don't think I quite understood what you said here, what do you mean? Hmm.. interesting. I am acting dumb like that because it makes people laugh, and I feel loved that way.. don't really know. I feel the attention I get when I act stupid. Thing is that there's another kid who is acting also dumb and weird humor and sometimes it feels as though we (probably mostly me) are secretly "competing" for being more silly. I want to have my unique place. He has his weird humor and people laugh and I have those dumb moments. I don't think so. Honestly I am not as sharp as I thought I am in social situations. It's hard for me to 'act smart'. It is not funny and I fear that they will see me as above them in some ways. I brought my chess board with me and almost every game I'm winning, and I am starting to get scared of winning. Sometimes people here say I'm a genius and I don't know how to respond so I shy away.
  16. You guys are telling me about cutting ties and surrounding myself with better people. You have to understand that I'm in camp - talked about it many times on this forum already. I'm living my day to day with them, having activities and break times. The goal is to learn about the cultures of the country and also connect more as a group. I can't cut those ties. I just want more respect and that people will like to be around me and rely on me and not think of me as some beta
  17. @Max_V So if I tend to feel 'fake' and inauthentic (like I'm quite a nice guy and gosh I smile all the time it hurts my fricking face and I expend a lot of energy), what kind of music is recommended to listen to - to music that empathizes with my situation or music that is all about letting go (for example) ? Or maybe something else.. How does the genre affect as well?
  18. So for the first few days of camp I had there were 2 guys who were into metal and I was talking with them since not really anyone else was into music, and so I listened to some metal here and there. Was eh, fine. For a long time I've only been playing classical music and jazz, and I didn't realize back then that I had a subconscious rule that I shouldn't like other genres of music because classic and jazz are 'my thing' and metal doesn't vibe with them. It almost contradicts it and I thought it might threaten my personality and my self-image somehow. When I came back home I was listening to "Open Car" of Porcupine Tree (it is the morning alarm of one of the one guy that was set to way to early and fucking woke us up 4 guys at like 4:00 a.m lol. If you know this song, imagine..). I'll just link it to save you the effort: So it got me opening up to this kind of music. It is actually kind of good by now. Another major thing those kind of songs helped me (especially of Porcupine Tree, for those who know) is to shatter my "goodness" and accept the more "dark"/bad/violent parts of me that I all the time suppress. Not saying I have so much of that in me, but still - it's almost like the wild part, the part that can be dirty sexually and like an animal in bed. Obviously the lyrics are way farfetched to my personal experience, but it still, to some extent makes me feel more grounded and real. Classical music is super amazing and beautiful, however it can make me go a bit into fantasy more. So I was experiencing more with metal and the types of metal, and I very quickly realized that I just LOVE Power Metal. Got introduced to NorthTale and I love their songs. Here are some of my favorite: I quickly realized I love power metal. I always loved it, that's the thing. Many og anime have this kind of music (mostly in the theme) and also in some cartoons. It gives the vibes of children cartoons and anime, like "main character vibes" - power, exactly. The high tones of the male voice means the power that's inside, intrinsic motivation ready to be unleashed. I hope I am not the only one who interprets it like that. It got me realizing that I've been suppressing myself from liking this type of music for a long time because of what I said above. I did like a few songs here and there before, but not from like a well known band, and I didn't even know it's literally a genre in itself. In conclusion, I've been listening to more metal, and I feel more real for accepting the darker, dirtier aspects of me (in my mind, it goes against the beauty and tidiness of classical music). The power metal really helped me find that I really like it and it's ok to embody it and that I'm not limited to liking only one or two genres
  19. Did a 30 minute session. I am feeling kinda sick so maybe it wasn't the best time to do it but as I said, I believe it is the best for me if I do a Shamanic Breathing session ever time I come back from camp. Since I was sick I was caught by surprise by the speed of the breathing required, and the breath work. I didn't slow down (I need to keep with the rythm of the drums), but did breath more shallow (still made sure it reaches the diaphragm). My focus this time was literally to enjoy this session. I tried to find comfort and good feeling just in the breathing, in the experience. I prefer feeling good rather than chasing an ideal future state in my mind.
  20. Hi, I've just done my first Shamanic Breathing session and want to write about it. So I've seen Leo's video on this topic not long ago and he bought me into this idea that it can heal my deepest emotional wounds very easily, and very simple. I got excited. However, it doesn't mean I don't expect it to be difficult, scary and overwhelming. But emotional mastery is just so important to me. Setting: It was around 22:40 in my room AC is on (23 degrees) Parents not home (makes it ideal) Process: I laid down on my bed listening to Shamanic Drumming and put a timer for 15 minutes. Spread my arms wide and started doing this deep breathing. As I was doing it I started feeling electricity flowing through my chin. Soon afterwards I started feeling this same feeling of current flowing in my arms and hands. My hands were feeling stiff and slow. Afterwards I started feeling this current through my neck and cheeks. It's like all my body was buzzing (besides my legs for some reason, probably because they were under the curtain). All along I've been trying to be mindful of my breathing. Then something quite scary happened. I could barely move my hands, they were like paralyzed. Not only paralyzed but clutching (my left hand was holding the edge of the mattress). At some point I didn't know if what I'm doing is even ok for my body, but I kept going. I know this is not true and I know it has benefits that I must yet to see. When it was over my timer beeped but I could barely move my hands to turn it off so it was a bit of a struggle lol. Afterwards I was just laying there, trying to adjust my breathing and get the blood flowing again properly. I was laying there for a few minutes until I sat up. I felt (and still feel as I'm writing) slightly light-headed, but not too much. Conclusion: First of all, it left me with some questions: Am I supposed to feel more emotionally free now? What exactly did it do? Did it work? Will the effects come unexpectedly later? Will it come in a few minutes? Or when I go to bed? Yeah so since it was my first time it left me with some open questions. I wonder how valuable it will be for my life. My goal is to master my emotions (and thoughts, come together). For that I've been practicing basic meditation, mindfulness (with labeling) and a bit of journaling. I want to assess this Shamanic Breathing in the future in order to see if it's the real deal or just something small I can do on the side. After walking a bit, I felt lighter, lighter emotionally speaking. Perhaps it did help let go of some emotional blockages, subconsciously? Who knows.. Not me yet. But I'll figure it out. Feel free to follow (though it might be boring sometimes) if you want. You can also drop some replies if you want to mention something I said and elaborate/answer/help me understand better. There are no rules but I hope you understand the vibe. I'll come back with more!
  21. @Manusia Very interesting. Also I'm the person that hardly ever gets angry and never gets sad and I do have those moments where I yearn to just get a sense of what it feels like to 'ride' my life and have power. I personally don't have flat face because I usually fake a lot and I always smile, disconnected. So like, what do you listen to that gives you more power as you say, and what do you mean by 'even towards the toxic meter'? I believe capacity (for a certain feeling) = equanimity. If so, it sounds great.
  22. @Manusia You say to integrate this love for burn and power and 'dirtiness' for integrating those and making yourself more vast? Please explain what you meant
  23. @Max_V This is powerful, thanks for sharing. So let's say I get sad sometimes/ feel weak but repress it, will listening to music about sadness/weakness help me? If I'm scared of something, then songs which will bring up the fear help? It sounds a bit odd.. (I believe the purpose of all of that is to love those songs so that you can accept those aspects in yourself more, but you probably need to like the music to vibe to it. It's not like subliminal magic, you need to love it, no?)
  24. Primary psychopathy: 2.1 (higher than 50.45% of people who took the test) Secondary psychopathy: 2.8 (higher than 60.38% of people who have taken this test)
  25. @ivankiss So basically you say it's important that when I'm feeling angry then it is better to listen to 'lower consciousness' stuff rather than calm meditation music?