fopylo

@Nahm There is obviously a technique for that. If you see an alien and the alien asks you how to ejaculate up the spine, saying "it's about letting go of thinking" doesn't help as it is not the way. From what I understood it involves the pelvic muscles and breathing up the spine and some shit like that, but it's messy in my head

@flowboy Wait I thought masturbation isn't entailed... I'm on a big nofap streak and I don't want to lose it by mistake

@flowboy Again, this is not about sex. People are commenting here about sex and I said already that I don't have a partner.

@Nahm I knew that already, just not exactly the how-to. I don't have a partner. Can I do it solo? @hyruga I don't mean ejaculation as in the release of semen, but rather the 'shooting it up your spine through your head', kind of what David Deida says in the book. Yeah, could someone explain it simply and easy to understand?

@hamedsf One at a time? Regardless, contracting the abdomen makes it hard to breath. Contract which muscle? And do I contract that muscle while inhaling and exhaling or just when exhaling? I tried before to breath deep while contracting my pelvis, and it was quite hard to breath and I was moving oddly. It felt like I'm becoming more energetic like a kid but it still felt very uncomfortable on my stomach and my groin didn't feel that good (a bit nauseous).

@Roy Just 'broke up' with me yesterday. Didn't feel offended or anything at all. She anyways wasn't exactly my type and I new I didn't want her really, it was just for experience so I wasn't that attached. Just too bad I didn't seize the opportunities and got to the sex stage.

Just finished my 30 minutes Shamanic Session (after letting my body rest a little). Time is 15:40 as finished. I am on Holiday of Rosh Hashanah. Tomorrow I'm going back to camp, so I thought it's a good opportunity to "kill" myself a bit before I set off again. I was a bit anxious doing this session since all of my family is at home, but I had to do what I had to do, so I did it, and I didn't think much about it during the session. This session was pretty relaxed compared to the previous one. I didn't push myself too much. I let it be more natural. Also, I changed the position of my arms like Leo does. I feel like this was a very smooth session. Didn't even check the timer once. I again didn't get any hallucinations. I hope this exercise is helping somehow because I can't really tell. I'll probably still do it when I can. Until next time

I am on my second day in camp. At the start, I was friendly to everyone, and slowly slowly I'm getting tired from those interactions. It's like I don't have a problem meeting people, but maintaining is what's hard for me. Anyways, I've been feeling a bit down tonight. Even the shy kid that I've befriended seems to be opening up more and more, and throughout the whole time it seemed he is in his own world, his first person perspective. Now he is more talkative to others and is more authentic and seems genuinely enjoying himself. Oh, and he also plays video games on his laptop in the room. In contrast to him, I have been talkative at the beginning, and now, when people are starting to know each other better I'm getting back into my fucking homeostasis! I really did believe I changed. I actually did, but reverted a bit. I am having a hard time connecting to my own true thoughts and opinions and saying them, and I believe it is because I am so bad at group conversations and I feel I always need to protect myself and be heard and not ignored or interrupted, that I fear going deep into my true thoughts because of the potential damage if someone interrupts me. One defense mechanism I use is to try to be talkative at the start and give a persona of a leader, knows how to talk with others, friendly. Now that I've built those appearances it is easy for me to handle the situation and future interactions, for the short-term, little did I know. I found it surprisingly hard to talk to some other people and to talk more with others I've barely talked with. And I'm telling you, I did not run away or stay in the room to avoid social interaction like this kid, but tried to get myself out. Now I'm fucked and I don't know why. Without being aware I still might be faking a persona of someone confident, strong, can handle the big guys, is good with women. Fuck me. Why is it that always I'm putting in all the effort at the start to always end up feeling the shittiest. I just want to be happy and easy going with others, but from a sense of giving and wanting to add value while being full in myself, rather than feeling like I have a hole I need to fill by interaction with others. Just for your information I'm friendly with this guy, but I envy that he is opening up while being centered and not neurotically faking a strong persona just to feel worse afterwards, like I did. Also, people are starting to interact with him more as they are trying to befriend him and as he is befriending others. I on the other hand feel like some are less talking to me and I get a weird vibe (one kid comes to mind, probably the most liked one. Not because he is alpha or something, but because he is quite philosophical, "spiritual" and talks about life and seems confident in a not neurotic way. Something about him triggers me a bit even though he is chill, but it still tends to come when he comes to mind). I also tend to be a bit of a nice guy, even though I've been working on it a bit. I am getting this unpleasant feeling I'm behind the curve. Some people also just seem to be easy going with everyone and everyone wants to be with them just because of their personality. Sometimes I just have enough of it and it's overwhelming that I just have to sit here and write it so that I can get it off, gain awareness and understanding of this leeching problem. I would appreciate if I could get help maybe from you since I know you know a lot about this topic, and also from others. How do I deal with this, it fucking frustrates me, thanks. @Eph75 @Nahm

@Eph75 Do you feel that you want to open up and there being a discrepancy between that need and the self judgment that it is being seen as you being weak? Yes. Or, are you still trying to find a new way in an attempt to be accepted and liked by others? Oh shit.. you got me. It shifts sometimes, depending on how important it is to survive in the current situation. When I feel that I want attention, or envy that others are being more loved and in the center of attention - I try to find a new way, yes. Yeah, so eventually I read your post again after I wrote my previous post. It helped me understand a bit better about how to get out of a rut and start riding my life. Your knowledge about authenticity is fascinating, and I appreciate that you're helping me get going through this big lifestyle shift. Thing is that I don't have really time to seriously go over most of your posts. I can try to read here and there, but the quite time at night that I have with myself isn't that long, emphasis on quite (I do have sometimes alone, but not enough quite to think deep about this and concentrate). That's why I still sometimes write stuff, hopefully as I'm already subconsciously integrating stuff you've already wrote.

@Eph75 So as the days are going along, I'm starting to realize that it is like I have a cycle of feeling good and not good. Everyday. There is morning, lunch, afternoon, evening, and night - At least in one of those I don't feel good, anxious, worried, depressed. When I catch myself in such situations I try to focus on my breath and I have kind of a mantra that goes something like "ultimately, all I want is to feel good, and I'm trying to do this through thinking and analyzing, which doesn't work. So I'll shift my focus into perception because I believe that could be the answer to what I really wanted". Anyways, so yesterday I felt shit, and today also a bit shit. I'm getting worried about being attached to one person here because I know how it can fuck me. I would like to be part of them. Remember this shy kid I was talking about, the authentically reserved kid who is becoming open? That kid is quite the center of attention now. This kid is so open now, and when I mean open I don't mean talking about himself (although he still did a bit), but mostly making jokes and having the confidence to say and act how he wants and they all love him. Oh and that kid I said I envy because of his leadership capabilities and incredible presence? Both of those kids became very good friends. I imagine you can understand how this might feel after following up until now. I'm becoming myself socially anxious, again, like once. Old limiting beliefs about myself are slowly growing again. But man... I'm going to live with these people. The growth is so fucking painful. It is painful for me to open genuinely to people, without being fake, and to look them in the eyes, and not do this forcefully like I'm trying to get somewhere. I've also noticed the recurring belief that I fear people being above me. And it is shocking how powerful of a belief that is. It must be one of the most powerful limiting beliefs I have. This limits me from genuinely connecting with people, but most importantly - limits me from letting true emotions flow in the moment. I'm like: How do I fucking let go? Why should I just express my true emotions? Am I less than them? Do I, I, the great powerful person, need the love and compassion of others? I don't need any man to make me feel he knows more than me, I feel like I'm way wiser than them. And especially with women, scared to be some Mama's child. Those limits are obviously shaped by past experiences. Today at the afternoon, I'll be honest, I was scared to go out of the room to the meeting (all day we have many group meetings). Everybody there were becoming real good friends. Dude, what the fuck. They are like being super good friends. And I feel like I'm left out because they are already becoming friends, and my limiting beliefs are getting stronger. Close to the end of the day I was like 'fuck it' and I was able to briefly let go a bit to allow myself to show my boredom and tiredness (not he deepest), and at the last meeting I was showing here and there, very quickly signs of tiredness that was a bit depressed style, sad style.But that was fucking scary and I don't know what my mind was trying to do. I am getting very very overwhelmed from those simple interactions. Can't let it be that some other person has power over me, that I am the one who is opening up and he/she is the one who is supporting, that I am the weak (I know this takes courage and everything, but it can still feel like weak, and it also depends on how you open up, you need good timing and to have tact. By the way, I feel like I need to read again what you wrote, so sorry if I'm annoying. Your help is not taken for granted, and I'm so fucking glad you are here. You are giving me lots of hope so thanks. @Nahm Regardless of everything discussed, I'd like to have a session with you. I'll contact you. I know how much it will help me, especially now, when thing are more real and not airy-fairy what if, but actually happening right now.

So this happened (and is still happening). This kid that is shy and starting to easily make friends while being authentic, and authentically reserved - I'll name him Y. Today was my birthday and I was overwhelmed with too many "happy birthday"s and it was hard to withstand the level of equanimity required to handle it. They joked a lot. I also became more friendly with Y and with R (which is a nice dude that I sometimes envy because of his strong presence and calmness). There is a lot that happened, and I might talk about it in more depth tomorrow but maybe not. I was feeling quite down because I was resisting and wasn't always feeling comfortable when people were jokingly singing happy birthday every time they saw me lol. No but for real I was also feeling kinda down. The thing is that towards the evening and at nighttime, I suddenly felt like I have more energy and I was more easy going. I don't know how this really happened. I was just genuinely talking with R. And also at night I gave a show playing my melodica while L (another roommate) was singing and it was nice. I also in general felt quite in the center at that time in general. It made me feel good. But this time it was different in the sense that I questioned whether this is something good. I might have been attached to this ideal image I was talking about and I became more of it, hence I felt good, attached. @Nahm About his last paragraph, is it a good thing that happened, that I felt good because I was in the center? I might feel worse afterwards. I've also read what you wrote, and I've been practicing getting into my senses and breath when overthinking too much, because ultimately, the reason why I'm overthinking is because I'm trying to solve something, to manage, to feel good, and sensing feels good. I need to read probably again what you wrote because I was planning replying to you and/or Eph7. Thanks for the support man. Tomorrow I'm going to Tzipori, and I'll meet a friend of mine there in a parallel camp in the evening probably. Until then, I have like 5 hours of sleep so I'm gone.

Please read this in order to understand the context of everything here: So I've been saying it a few times in this forum, but for whoever didn't get to hear - I'm leaving for a 6 month pre-military camp. This means I'm going to live with a bunch of people, traveling, learning about the country, moving a place every 3 weeks or so and I'm coming home once in 2 weeks. For you to understand the difference in lifestyle, the last few years I've been living so comfy hardly going to school (because I've finished some of the subjects already) and coming home to be so free to be on my laptop the whole day thinking about my life. I was living a fantasy, mostly in my head, thinking that one day all that and all the consuming of self-help videos will get me somewhere. Anyways, I drifted, so I'm leaving in a few hours to Jerusalem and about to start this journey. I will be using this journal to record the things which are happening in the camp, but mostly my thoughts and feelings to share with others and myself. This is quite a scary shift in lifestyle and I really think I'll need some support. I'm entering into an unknown territory, circumstances are changing and becoming more difficult to manage. I gotta get on track on my life. For that I have decided to get help from people here and decided that a wise decision would be getting coached, like with @Nahm. I will try my best to inform you about this whole journey. It came sooner than I expected, and my access to this forum and the internet and self help and whatever will be limited. Finding the freedom to just manage the basics of my life is foundational to having the freedom to direct my life in a great direction. Anyways, after all I'm just a guy behind a screen typing in some text, and will type text here and there, but my whole life is fucking changing right now and it's overwhelming a bit. I hope the best for myself.

You both say very similar things. @Nahm And how do I practically do the loving and not caring what people think and to stop comparing myself? Is it like Eph7 suggests, to just observe? @Eph75 The thing is that even tonight I kinda tried the experiment (maybe not, you tell me). I was feeling already so fucking drained and I had to go to some area, and some kids were talking and I was just standing kinda in a conversation and at the same time kinda not. But at some point it just felt weird to stand and not do nothing and not interact. I had to break it by either forcing myself in, like I always do, squeezing the little juice left it me, feeling fake, or, I somehow get out of the situation and escape (which happens less often, and when it does, it feels more relieving). For your last question, honestly I don't so know. It's been some time since I've felt it. Contemplating for a minute, I believe it's to accept (see and not judge) everything to the point where time ceases to exist for you and you open yourself to deeper emotions and the depths of challenging emotional situations with flow. By the way, this night, since I feel drained and tried to experience 'not faking it', my tone was very apathetic, and I don't know how good I feel about it. It still doesn't feel that pleasant, yet in some way it was a small release from having to to exhaust myself faking myself.

@Nahm @Eph75 Alright, I've read both of your comments a few times. I've tried practicing fully focusing on my breathing when I notice myself getting stuck in my head because ultimately I wanted to feel good. It worked for a bit but I then kept on with the conversations. I am putting on myself expectations and I am starting to feel shit. For some reason it's always at the nights that I feel very shit and drained, like Eph7 said, I hit the wall, exhausted from keeping up with this state. This is perhaps why it strongly hits at night. But today afternoon I actually had a great time and was laughing with others, the center of attention. But I was the center of attention for something stupid. And people were calling me stupid and weird. Even of they were joking I didn't really know how to respond in an empowering way. Like some guy called me something insulting (I didn't get insulted) as if it was normal and then continued to the conversation but I feel like I had to respond in a more assertive manner and not let people just walk on me. At this point it is hard for me to tell whether I'm authentic or not. My laughs seem and feel forced and I really don't like it. Sometimes I see myself do that in the mirror or on video and I just cringe. Anyway this roommate I was talking about before - he really seems to connect with others quite well at this point and I am really envying him and feelings of anger and hate rise. It is also becoming hard for me to connect to others and maintain those friendships. Even if it's 3 days I can't stand it, can't see how things will get better soon. I want to be friendly and that people will like me and things will be easy going. But I also really want to be authentic and more assertive. I am trying to push myself to be someone who I'm not but I can't not do that. You know what, I don't know. I don't have energy for people really and I had really fucking enough of this shit. Couldn't believe it would follow me even to the camp. People are building authentic friendships here while I'm forcing my presence, draining myself, and then it is ruining my relationships, and this really frustrates me. I just want to get to this way of living (like you both described, the more true authentic way). I had enough. I don't know what to do at that point. I'm trying my best. How am supposed to contact people

@Goldzilla like how?

Lately I've been making lot's of progress with my meditation, and I've become more and more authentic, sometimes too much that it drives me crazy. After 1 hour, even 30 minutes of Do Nothing I feel trippy. Should I keep at the meditation practice, or should I give myself a break?

So today I had my first day at camp. I was quite nervous before getting there, and when I got there I took a lift with another 2 girls from the camp and we got to the main bus, where everyone waited for us basically. I was surprised to see myself getting out of my comfort zone and I was greeting everyone hello. I even literally went seat by seat to say hello and recall the names and have small chats. I felt like quite a Chad. I heard from a girl after we got off that I'm very friendly. So since we're like 40-50 something kids overall in this camp, we are divided into 2 groups of like 20 something each, which we are going to travel with them for the entire 6 months. Here we are separating ways. The guides tolled us the groups at the beginning and I was very happy with the people I got. Later in the day we were divided yet again into two communions of like about 10-15 each, which is the most intimate group, but overall we will be mostly with the 20 something combined groups of both communions. The 5 kids I got to share a room with are very nice and glad I got them. Sensitive, compassionate, I don't feel intimidated by them (maybe 1 of them is less of all of that and usually smokes and shit but overall I believe he is good). A small problem I've faced today is that down feeling of after being very social for the whole day. In the evening it was becoming hard for me to keep up with the social energy and I didn't feel like pushing myself. Later we had a talk with the most intimate group, and perhaps there I discovered how to overcome this problem. At some point we talked about personal things, and also "one-on-one"s with random people, and I got to share my true thoughts and fears with one of my roommates. I told him about how the whole issue of the showers and sleeping and organization and basically how living together made me stress towards the night. He could relate and eventually things ran smoothly here. I hope things continue this way. I'll be living with them here for the next 4 days and I hope to grow somehow from all of that.

Hi, so for those of you who don't yet know that I'm leaving to a camp and changing my life, then here you go. I've wrote more about it right here: I just want to say a couple of words before I leave. @Leo Gura Thanks for being an incredible inspiration for my life. Your work has truly build me up to live deeper and handle life in a better way. I would argue that most of my ability to handle such life challenges are because of the teachings you spread. @Nahm I haven't gotten the opportunity to talk to you that much, but hopefully you can continue help me to bring myself closer to the light that I am and release myself from my own self. You truly understand what you're talking about and I'm sure many people would agree that you changed the life of many here. There are many other people who've helped me in the forum (those were just the ones that came up to mind quick), but there are others that I've got the chance to dm or even simply chat with on the forum. Anyways, I still hope to stay in touch with you all, even though you are all virtual relatively (like I don't know/see you in real life). I'm gonna miss this place. I'll see you later. Bye for now, and thanks a lot. ❤

@Thought Art Yeah, I'll try those sometimes when I have time. But I think I need to ease up a bit. I am sometimes feeling overwhelmingly free that if I continue for long enough, I might get into this psychosis state Frank Yang is at

@ted73104 Yes it is true. We are about to start our next phase of life that comes after high-school. Actually this isn't true. I don't even watch movies. Here is where I'm also nervous. Honestly man, I don't feel like having a long term relationship. I might be sounding like a jerk for saying it but my initial intent with this relationship was for experience's sake. And yet, I still seem to be affected by it. What do you mean?

I finished school while ago and I'm starting my pre-military 6 month camp in 2 days. But yeah, I really really don't want all this drama shit in my life. I just want to be free man. I want to focus on actualizing myself. But it's really hurting deep inside those life changes. I know all my grade classes (when I was at school) for at least 6 years, some even 12 years. We all live in this small town-village. I'm leaving my old lifestyle behind, the freedom of being a 12th grader and having life easy and could rely on parents. Everything is hitting me at once. The camp is already scaring me because it is a HUGE shift in lifestyle, and now I'm adding on top of that a relationship, like wtf?? I am really scared of a mental breakdown. It will kill me. I can see myself having a breakdown. I've been living very good for the last couple of months, maybe this is the potential suffering.

Hi, so as a preview, this is the girl I'm talking about, I'll name her N: Basically she is very into me - I know because I got many signals from her and heard from friends. She also seems like she is more open to sex than most others, I think. So we are planning to go for a walk in the fields and also have a small picnic. It has been a few days already that I've been contemplating this potential relationship, and maybe I could get some of your thoughts: Thing is, she is really into me. I'm very lucky to be in this position, and I'm still a virgin. On top of that, we are both going to our separate camps and so we will only be able to see each other once in like 2 weeks (this makes it less embarrassing because it means she won't be too much involved in my social life, and when we're together it will most likely be in private. And also, of I feel like breaking up then it will be easier since it could happen more naturally because of our long times separate during the week, and maybe she'll want more commitment. I have this backup and I'm lucky). Now the other thing is that I feel like she is not the one for me, meaning I don't find her really that attractive (although you could also argue that I haven't met her really yet. True, I'll see then). I get from her a bit masculine vibes, like she isn't that radiant and is quite monotone and dull in text, and not to womany for me. But as I was thinking about it, I thought: Why not? This could be for a great experience. I have a great opportunity and I might regret it if I don't take it. It will improve my skills. Hopefully I'll manage to get a first kiss and maybe even lose my virginity or something. I'm still nervous nonetheless, you know, the whole 'leading' thing and these small minutiae that might get me neurotic. Anyway, I'd really appreciate your thoughts about what I said, like what do you think about this approach? And also, if you have any advice for the first date it will be very helpful. Thanks

@something_else Kind of true, yeah, although I'm still a little into her, a little, for experience's sake mostly. Interesting point, although I am not really feeling all those emotions running through my mind like you said, perhaps not in my awareness.. But yeah, it was scary, but eventually when the kiss finally came - It was dull. I felt apathy, and still do, this is perhaps why I feel shit. I kissed for the sake of kissing rather than because I love her. I don't know if I honestly really want a relationship. Could be nice though to build experience, but man.. I'm scared of going through a mental breakdown.

@Spiral Thanks for the support and reassurance that it is ok. Feels good to read that. I've obviously finished the date and did already what you said. @something_else So yeah, we eventually got close in the bed like you said, trust me, but not like you said about making out already very quickly. Actually those things you guys said did kinda happen, like I did behave in those ways. But eventually I felt very terrible and drained after it. Just wrote a post about it if you're interested:

We planned on watching the movie but never have I explicitly said at her house, but it seemed as so. So I just asked her if we are then going to her house. She asked if I can at mine and tolled her I can't so she agreed at hers. Her family will be there though and we'll be at her room which makes me nervous and kind of puts the pressure on me as the guy. Actually, surprisingly she is shy and I am less but she seems like she could easily take part in the leading. This puts some odd pressure on me as the man. After this meeting, next times we'll be able to see each other is once in two weeks at most. So I am thinking maybe today I should escalate things fast and maybe she has the same in mind. Bro, why is this happening to me? There is no escape but I also don't want to escape